"All women have insecurities and bad times. What counts is how you overcome them"- Irina Shayk
Well I was a dead man, or at least that's what it felt like. I'm not sure when I fell asleep, I had spent a lot of time on Hanako's painting, but when I rose from my bed the following morning, I could even concentrate enough to do my...um...uh, memory-thing that I do.
Mutou seemed to have a similar dilemma as he read to the class from the textbook, which I honestly could have done myself, it the worlds most dull voice ever. I felt like I was going to fall asleep at any moment but my leg, the fake one, was starting to itch. That wasn't really helping my concentration either. I was tracing the lines in the wood of my desk again when the teacher called out someone's name.
"Ikezawa?" Wait, Hanako?
Hanako jumped to her feet as all the classes eyes turned to her, my own included (much to my shame). She doesn't run though, so progress. "Y-Yes?"
"In this particular example of a redox reaction, the combustion of methane reaction actually produces one more product than is listed" Mutou spoke "That product is...?"
I had no idea. She took her time answering, biting her lower lip a bit in the process "Um...h-heat?"
"Well done" the teacher smiled "This is an exothermic reaction, with the reaction giving more heat than is put into it"
I smiled at Hanako, although she might not have noticed as she dropped back into her seat with a relieved sigh and eyes downward.
"Right then" Mutou said "For the remainder of this class I'd like you to work in groups on the problems in chapter 12. I'll be here if you need me" And with that, he sat down at his desk and started on some paperwork.
"I suppose we have a group, then" Hisao sighed next to me, gesturing to the grinning faces of Misha and Shizune. I sighed, this would be painful.
"Hicchan! Kaito!" Misha smiled "You want to work together? That's great! It's really been a while!" I gritted my teeth at the noise of her voice as well as the noise of desks being moved around the class. In times like this I had to wonder whether or not being deaf could actually be a blessing.
At least with Hisao and Shizune working together, that would mean I wouldn't have to work very hard. My eyes wandered around the class, widening in surprise as I saw Hanako approach us.
"Good afternoon Hanako!" Misha called upon seeing her.
"Um..." Hanako froze in her tracks "Hello"
It took Shizune a while to realise what everyone was looking at, but when she saw Hanako, she tapped on Misha's shoulder to get her attention, signing away.
Misha, ever the helpful one, translated "Good afternoon Ikezawa. I'm afraid our group's already a little bit big. Perhaps you could find another?"
Hanako's face dropped as she turned away. I didn't like that so I spoke up "Wait" Hanako turned to look at me "You wanna join us?"
Hanako's face went a bit red as she nodded, although Misha's grating voice spoke once again "Kaito, while your offer is nice, our group already comprises of four people. Five may be a bit much for this activity"
"I want her to join us" I complained. I didn't often argue but this felt important.
"Come on Shizune," Hisao spoke up, "One more helping hand isn't going to hurt. Besides, Mutou never insisted on a limit to group sizes"
Shizune and Misha shared a look before replying "Very well then. Hanako, if you wish you are welcome to join us"
Hanako nodded and left to pull her desk over. Misha and Shizune said something to Hisao but I wasn't really paying attention. I was just happy that Hanako was joining in on the group work. Joining me. I got the feeling she didn't do it often.
She joined us and sat down, her eyes focussed on the floor below her. Confused as to why, my gaze wandered to find that several persons in the class were looking at our group with curious expressions. That irritated me. What was so damn interesting? Was it Hanako? Did they really have nothing else to talk about? They never batted an eye when she'd leave class but now that she's actually trying to make an effort they're going to act like she's done something wrong?
"Hey Kaito" Hisao nudged my shoulder "You alright?"
I realised I must have been making a face. Making a conscious effort to unclench my fist, I merely replied "I'm fine"
So we spread out the textbooks amongst ourselves, taking advantage of all the desks being together.
"It's nice to finally work with you, Hanako!" Misha smiled, seemingly intent on making conversation.
"Y-Yeah" Hanako replied
Shizune smirked and signed something "Are you the reason the boys have been avoiding us, lately? Shicchan says it's a little rude, but if Kaito or Hicchan wanted to spend some time with a cute girl, it's understandable!"
Hanako's face flushed with colour again, her head still held low while she fidgeted "I-I don't t-think it's like that..." she said
"Really?" Misha looked shocked "So neither of them were hanging out with you yesterday?"
"N...No..."
I squirmed a little in my seat. I didn't like the look of Hanako appearing so uncomfortable, but I also had a faint memory of Lilly asking to keep our shopping a secret. She wanted Hanako's party to be a surprise.
"I was with Lilly" Hisao explained. His cover was easy. He was always with Lilly, so no-one batted an eyelid at that knowledge.
"That doesn't explain Kaito's whereabouts!" Misha declared, her finger pointing at me like she was Naruhodō Ryūichi (or Phoenix Wright, I played the game in both languages) "Where were you yesterday?"
"Um..." My brain struggled to come up with stories even in the best of times, let alone in my tired, frazzled state "Elsewhere?"
"Really?" Neither Misha nor Shizune seemed convinced by my admittedly weak answer "I wonder what so important that you would not spend time with anyone, not even Hanako. It's really interesting..."
"W...Were you with Lilly as w-well?" Hanako asked me.
I gave a quick look at Hisao, he seemed as surprised as I was that she'd figured it out "Um...Why would you uh, think that?"
"Y-Yesterday Lilly said something s-similar" she explained.
Damn.
Shizune smiled with glee "Suspicious! Kaito! I demand that you explain yourself!"
"Hey," Hisao spoke up, thankfully intent in changing the conversation "Shouldn't we be doing this assignment?"
"But it's so mysterious!" Misha whined "Even Hanako wants to know!"
My eyes hadn't left Hanako, and it was true. I didn't see any way out of telling the truth, but in my panic state, I kind of made a fool of myself, desperate not to break a promise "Nowhere! It's was nothing I-I-I...I wasn't anywhere with-"
"Kaito," Hisao sighed "It's alright" He looked at the girls with a defeated expression "I went into town with Lilly, and Kaito came along. Lilly had asked us to keep it quiet because we were..." he sighed again "...because we were shopping for gifts. For um, for Hanako's birthday"
There was a heavy silence throughout the group. Shizune and Misha shared a disappointed look (I guess they were expecting some juicy gossip of some kind). Misha looked to Hanako, who's face appeared to have turned very upset very fast. Not weepy upset though. I didn't have a word for it.
"Hanako?" Misha was unusually quiet "I'm sorry..."
Hanako shook her head "I-It's...okay..." I figured out the expression she had. She look tired, drained of energy. It was weird.
"Sorry..." I started to say, but the words failed me. I didn't want to risk upsetting her further.
With the conversation dead, the group went about answering the questions. I naturally didn't do anything, my gaze was locked on Hanako. She hadn't started either. She just stared down at the paper in front of her, pencil in hand, making no effort to start.
"Hey, Hanako" Misha asked her "Do you understand any of this?"
"I-I...um...n-not really...I g-guess" she answered, her entire body tensing up as she did. When Misha looked away she breathed out again, like a deflating balloon. Misha smiled, and took her through the solution to the first answer step-by-step, the same way Hisao helped her. Hanako nodded when she asked if she understood. Misha looked away, and Hanako still didn't move.
"Hanako?" I said, my voice quiet. Barely a whisper.
No response. Hanako doesn't even move her eyes "Hanako?" I asked again, a little clearer. The others looked at me, then to her, concern beginning to settle on their faces. I guess they were figuring, like me, that Hanako's was being unnervingly withdrawn, even for her.
"Hanako?" Misha's voice was soothing and soft when she wasn't being loud "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Y-Yes" came the robotic reply
"Are you sure?" Hisao asked her
"I'm fine"
I didn't believe her, but I didn't know what to do. Her head had turned away with her last response. She was looking at the floor again. Everyone went back to their work. Hanako didn't move, didn't make a sound. She was worrying me. I started to twitch, my fingers tapping the desk and my leg starting to bounce, like I do when I get really stressed. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. Say something, a voice in my head demanded (I don't know whether it was me or Hanako it was willing), say something!
Shizune seemed to take notice first, looking at me with frustration, then she followed my line of sight to Hanako.
"Kaito, you've barely done any work! And Hanako, you're being too quiet. You have to contribute too! Someday, we might work on a bigger project, like one that's so big it's worth celebrating afterwards, like with ice cream, or cake, If you act like this, we won't take you along!"
I'm not sure what she and Misha were trying to do, but I also didn't think it was working either. If anything, Hanako looked worse.
"D-Don't..." the words seemed to get caught in my throat "Don't say that"
"Kaito," Misha smiled "It's all in good fun! Shicchan says she teases everyone, anyway"
"Not Hanako" I grumbled.
Regardless of whether or not they heard me, they backed off and got back to worked. I tried to make an effort, but my groggy brain couldn't make sense of the questions, and I kept getting distracted by Hanako. She still hadn't moved.
"Hey, the clock's ticking down" Hisao noted "You should probably hurry this up"
"Hicchan!" Misha said "You sound a little like Shicchan, there..."
"Just because I looked at my watch?" Hisao said jokingly "Jeez, is that all it really takes? Time management, and suddenly I'm the Student Council president?"
Conversation died as everyone finally noticed what I had seen (what felt like) ages ago. Hanako's pencil hung uselessly in her hand, not even spinning like she normally does when she's thinking, it hadn't touched the paper in ages. She hadn't moved at all, it was like she was shutting down. She seemed to register our eyes on her though, a expression of absolute panic on her face. Everyone drops their gaze but me, I couldn't bring myself to look away. It was like I was watching a car crash unfold before my eyes; knowing that something was terribly wrong, yet unable to do a thing about it.
"H...Hanako?" I spoke, the concern in my voice crystal clear.
People from the other groups had started to look, their work almost complete. Stop looking, I silently willed them, stop! But I couldn't even look at them, I couldn't look away from Hanako, despite knowing my eyes upon her was probably the last thing Hanako wanted.
Misha keeps asking her what is wrong, her volume control completely gone. Her voice goes out to the entire classroom. I want to snap at her, to yell at her, to tell her to shut up, but I couldn't get my voice to work.
Hanako's eyes were shut now, silent tears streaking down her face.
"Hanako?" It wasn't even a real question any more, and I wasn't even sure if I was saying it aloud. I couldn't think of any way to help her, to calm her. The class was watching, and any attempt to help would only bring more attention.
Hisao looked uncomfortable, Misha looked really worried, Shizune was biting her lip and God only knows what I must have looked like. None of us knew how to deal with this.
Hisao called Mutou over as quietly as he could. Hanako didn't even look like she was breathing anymore. I was scared.
Mutou began to ask us what was wrong, but stopped the moment he glanced at Hanako.
"Did..." Misha's voice was quiet again "Did we upset her?"
"Don't worry" Mutou said.
Don't worry? Don't fucking worry? I could I not do anything but worry? Hanako, the closest thing I had to a friend was having a breakdown less than five feet away from me, and there wasn't damn thing I could do about it! How was I meant to feel, if not worried?
Mutou gives Hanako a close look at Hanako's face before speaking clearly, loud enough for those listening to overhear "Hi, Ikezawa. Can I help you at all?" Hanako, of course, does not reply and he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. She started to violently shake under his touch. I wanted to leap out of my chair, but I knew there was nothing I could do. Her gaze was unfocused, she was clearly off in her own world now.
Mutou grimaced as he straightened up, taking a deep breath before speaking "Is that it? Nothing's wrong then?"
I wanted to complain that there was something clearly wrong, but the people around us had turned their gaze away, getting back to their own work, so I guess Mutou must have known what he was doing.
"I think," he says in a quiet voice "For Ikezawa's sake, that it would be good to quickly take her somewhere away from others. Nakai, Hakamichi; could you please take Ikezawa out of the classroom? I'll keep everyone settled, so please don't worry about anything but her, okay?" He looked to Misha to translate, but she had already finished doing so.
Nodding, Shizune and Hisao got to their feet and went to either side of Hanako. Gently, they lifted Hanako out of her chair and led her to the door. They had to move slowly, and I was all to aware of the eyes of others on them as they left. I had to grind my teeth and remind myself to breathe just so I wouldn't get angry.
Mutou continued as if nothing was wrong, but some curious eyes still made glance towards me and Misha, confused as to what happened.
"You think she'll be okay?" Misha asked me. I didn't respond. I couldn't. The only sign I had heard her was the speed of the taptaptaptaptap of my fingers on my desk.
Shizune came back inside and sat down as if nothing was wrong. Misha frantically signed a question, to which she responded "Hisao's taking her to the nurse" Misha told me. I was silent, but I nodded in understanding.
Hisao came back after a while as well. My eyes immediately went to him, asking the silent but obvious question.
"Nurse says to let her rest" Hisao said "We can check on her later this evening. They'll have moved her back to her dorm by then.
I nodded, still unable to form words. It was going to be a very long day.
"Smith" came Mutou's voice "Can I speak to you outside?" he left without looking at me.
Wordlessly, I joined him outside.
"I can imagine this must be difficult for you" he said "You appear to an empathic sort"
I'm not sure what he meant by that, so I just nodded.
"Tell me, Smith, do you what the purpose of this school is?"
Huh? I'm not sure where that question came from "To...um..." my throat felt dry as I tried to speak "To, uh, help those with special needs?"
Mutou looked at me and shook his head "If all we wanted was that, then we could rebuild the school right now. One floor, interactive whiteboards and call it a day. No, what we're here for is to grant you the opportunities you wouldn't have in any other school"
"Huh?"
"Think of it this way. If we wanted you to graduate and go straight into a hospital, do you think we'd put in this much effort?"
I was a little thrown by his bluntness "I...guess not"
Mutou nodded "That's right. We want you all to leave here as useful members if society"
"Oh-kay" I was still a little confused as to his point.
"I see potential in you, Smith. Maybe not in the field of science, but from what I've heard you have much untapped potential in your other subjects. Potential that could take you to a university. Have you ever considered that?"
I suppose I should have been honoured or touched by his words. But I hadn't thought about university in a long, long time. Long before even my accident "Not in a while" I admitted to him.
"Well, what have you considered? For your future, that is..."
"I..." I wanted to be honest with him, but I knew that wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. This was just like when Lilly asked me the other day. I had spend ages in hospital just learning how to use my hand and leg again. I was enjoying each day as it came. I didn't know what would happen in a week let alone what would happen at the end of the year. That uncertainty scared me, a lot. I never want to admit that.
Mutou seemed to take my silence as answer and sighed "Think of this place as an opportunity. Here you have boundless facilities, good teacher, plus the added bonus of the nurse and his staff. You should be doing nothing but thinking of the future"
I wasn't really listening, instead voicing a question that had long since bugged me "Why does no one care when Hanako doesn't go to class, or when she leaves?"
"Smith," Mutou sighed again "It's not really simple to explain. Every student has special needs; if it weren't for that then we wouldn't have a school here. For example, I wouldn't keep you in class if you were having trouble breathing, would I?"
"But..." whatever I was going to say was cut off but Mutou.
"Ikezawa's case is very much like that. But instead of CPR or a pacemaker, what she needs is time and space. The faculty was made aware of this from the day that she arrived, thus whenever she the need to leave classes, we let her do so. And even though she isn't a star pupil, she passes all of her exams, so it hasn't affected her ability to study. Isn't that enough?"
I couldn't argue with him. I couldn't find a fault in his argument.
"I understand that you might not be used to this kind of thing yet. It's been a big change for you, That said, it's less than a year until graduation now. Maybe you won't have to get used to this school. If you keep your down, I'm sure you'll do well enough in your exams"
I nodded. I thought I was used to the school, but it seems like I was wrong.
"What...What about Hanako?" I asked
Mutou takes a moment to think of an answer "I believe...well, I hope, that she will perform well enough to do what she wants to do. What that is, I don't know. Not all students leave school with an idea of what they want to do, unfortunately"
The pair of us stood there in silence for a while he spoke again "Like I said, this day must have been very troublesome for you, and I doubt you'll be able to concentrate after all that's happened, so I'll allow you to take the rest of the day off. Despite your poor attitude in class, your grades are good, so I don't think you'll have any problem catching up. Go collect your things, and I'll see you tomorrow"
"Oh. Okay. Thanks"
As I did just as he said, my mind wandered all over the place. I wanted to say that I understood Hanako and that I could help, but now I realise that I had no idea what I was talking about.
I wish I was right. I really did.
As walked back up to my room, my thoughts did not settle. I was left wondering about my bond with Hanako, or my lack thereof.
I knew next to nothing about her. At least anything that mattered. She told me about her accident, but only in a brief basic way. I didn't know any about her family, or if she had any. What was her old school like? Her friends? Wishes? Ambitions? Her favourite music? Favourite food? Favourite movies? All the little things that a friend should know, but I didn't know any of it. Just what the hell have I been doing all this time?
I was angry, I was upset, I was confused, I was scared.
I looked at my fake hand. I stared at it and tried to make a fist. The digits twitched, but it didn't form the shape I wanted: a white-knuckled fist to match its other.
I slammed it into my table. And again. And again. And again and again and again until I heard a crack and felt a lack of pressure on my arm. I watched as my prosthesis fell off my arm and clattered on to the carpet. It had never fully worked, and now it was broken.
Like a floodgate had opened in my chest, I started to cry. Not quiet silent tears like in the movies, I mean loud heaving sobs like a child. I sank to my knees, hand holding on the stump that was what was left of my left arm. a criss-cross patchwork of scar tissue that ended just under my elbow. A mess of flesh under a clean, flawless fake. I'm sure that was something symbolic.
The bells rang, I didn't care. My phone rang, I didn't care. Hours must have ticked by while I sat there, back against the bed, my eyes red and nose running.
A knock at the door grabs my attention "Kaito?" It was Hisao "You in there? I tried to call you, but you didn't answer"
"Come in" I call, my voice coming out in a rasp.
Hisao opened the door, looked at the door, looked at the broken hand on the floor and back to me "You okay?"
"...No"
Hisao sighed "Lilly called me. She wants to talk to us"
Slowly, I rise to my feet, wiping my nose with a old shirt on the floor "Okay" I sighed.
We left together, Hisao occasionally stopping to look at my stump. I suppose it is the first he's seen it.
We found Lilly in her room, sitting on her bed with a saddened look on her face.
"We're both here" Hisao told her
Lilly nodded "How are you, Kaito?"
I took a breath "I'll be fine" my voice was a little stronger now, although it did sound like I had a cold.
Hisao recounted the events to Lilly, while I merely relived the events in my mind. I was still looking over the events, just seeing whether I not I could have done something. I couldn't find anything, but I had a feeling could have done something.
"I see" Lilly sighed "She said her therapist sessions were helping, but I had my doubts. It's quite a shame. Her birthday has caused problems, but I had hoped that she would have improved with more friends and her more intensive therapy...Where is Hanako now?"
"Last time I saw her she was in the infirmary" Hisao responded "She's probably gone back to her room by now"
Lilly nodded. "You said you had bad news as well?" Hisao asked her
If it were possible, Lilly's face grew even sadder "My aunt has fallen gravely ill. I'm afraid I'm going to be heading back to Scotland to visit her, and to spend some time with my family"
Well that was a bombshell "When do you go?" I asked her
"Saturday"
"How is your aunt?" Hisao asked
"She is...stable"
So that meant she was in the hospital. I suppose it was better than dead. "Stable's a relief" Hisao said.
Lilly smiled, if only a little at Hisao's words "Unfortunately, I'll miss Hanako's birthday"
"That's why you wanted the party earlier" I realised
"Indeed" she said
"I suppose this makes it a going-away party as well" Hisao noted
"You make it sound like I won't be coming back" Lilly stated "I'll only be gone for a week, two at most"
"That's nice" I commented
"What did you do for her birthday last year?" Hisao asked
"Last year..." Lilly's face fell again "I literally couldn't get her out of her room. She'd locked the door. All I could do was leave food outside, making sure she was at least eating well"
This was far worse than I thought. If Lilly, Hanako's closest friend, couldn't help her, what chance did any of the rest of us have?
"Perhaps it would be better to throw the party before you leave then?" Hisao suggested
"That does sound like the easiest option" she agreed
"Hanako should know" I said "This happened because we didn't tell her. It can't happen again"
Lilly rose from the bed "Very well. Shall we go and visit now?"
We all agreed yes. I personally couldn't wait to see her. I was worried, although it occurred to me I probably looked terrible as well.
The door was unlocked so we went in. Hanako's room was pretty bare. Nothing hung on the walls, there was only a few books and papers strewn around. Everything was either in black or white.
Hanako herself was curled up on her bed. She wasn't crying now, but there were tell-tale signs that she had been.
Hisao gently lowers her belongings from class on to the floor, while Lilly called out to her friend "Hello Hanako. Hisao told me about what happened today...are you alright?"
Hanako's reddened eyes opened to look at us, if only a little "I...I'm okay..." she said. She noticed my staring "S-Sorry...f-for making you w-worry. R-Really...I'm f-fine now"
She wasn't. But she was calmer now, and I'd take what little victories I could. She still looked fragile though, as if the slightest touch could break her.
"Don't be sorry" I said "Never be sorry. Not for this"
"Yeah" Hisao sighed "We shouldn't have hidden something like this from you"
Lilly walked over to the other crouched down to her height "I'm the one who should be sorry, Hanako"
Hanako looked at her for a long time before sitting up, Lilly eventually taking a seat beside her and taking her hand. It was in times like these that I truly felt like an outsider.
"Do you want us to go?" Hisao asked, to who I don't know.
"No" Hanako's voice rang our "I don't...want that..."
And so we stayed. I sat on the floor while Hisao took the desk chair. We sat there while Lilly broke the bad news to her friend, and we tried to appease her with a small tea party to mark Lilly's trip away instead of a birthday party. I had never seen someone be stressed out by a birthday party, but as the day was making more and more depressingly clear, I didn't really know Hanako all that well.
"We'll let you rest" Hisao said, rising from the chair "Come on, Kaito" I rose after him.
"You know that if you ever want anything, you can always talk to me or Hisao or Kaito, right?"
"I...understand. Thank you"
Lilly smiled "Good night Hanako"
"Night..."
I exhaled a big sigh of relief as the door closed behind us "She's okay"
Lilly however did not. She looked pale "Are you alright?" Hisao asked her
"Just tired" she sighed "It's been...hectic recently"
Hisao placed a hand on her shoulder "Try and get some sleep, okay?"
Lilly smiled "I will. Good night Hisao, Kaito"
"Goodnight, Lilly"
"Night"
So Hisao and I made our way back to our rooms. I nearly tripped over my prosthesis in the dark. I'll have to talk to the Nurse about organising a replacement.