"In our deepest moments we say the most inadequate things"- Edna O'Brien

So I had my shower. It was cold. Very cold. I managed to work a bit more on the painting before I was interrupted by a loud banging noise "Who is it?" I called out. No answer, although the banging continued.

Opening the door, I stuck my head out to see Misha and Shizune knocking on Hisao's door. Really loudly I might add. "Can you stop that?" I complained "I'm working"

Misha snapped her head around to look at me "Kaito!" she grinned. Shizune, having noticed Misha face turn around, looked to me as well and signed "Smith, can you explain why Hisao is not answering his door?"

"He's sleeping" I thought that was obvious

Shizune gave me a funny look before responding "You would think that someone who is capable of hearing would wake at the sound of someone knocking on their door"

I shrugged. I wasn't sure why he wouldn't wake "Maybe he's really tired"

Shizune sighed, seemingly unsatisfied but unwilling to push the matter further, signed something to Misha, to which Misha nodded and looked to me "Well, it will not be long before class starts. Kaito, if you'd be so kind to take this, and make sure Hisao gets this should you see him"

With that, Misha handed me what looked like an envelope. It was addressed to Hisao, but on the letter was another name. Iwanako.

"Okay" I nodded, tucking it under my arm "I'll keep it"

"We expect to see you in class" they said to me. And like that, they left me. So I went back into my room.

They were right, class started soon.

Hanako and Hisao didn't arrive to class that day. Not surprising I guess, the amount they drank it would only be natural that they'd be ill. I'm pretty sure I called it.

Misha and Shizune descended upon me like crows after the bell.

"How are you feeling today, Kaito?" Misha asked me in her usual bubbly self.

"Um, okay" I shrugged. I wasn't too sure what she wanted. She had to want something, right? "Why?"

"Oh, no reason" Misha smiled in a way that reminded me of my aunt's cat when it had caught a mouse "We just thought it was weird that out of the entire group of Hisao, Hanako, Lilly and yourself, you are the only one that came to class.

Did she know? A bead of sweat may have ran down the back of my neck. "What's your point?"

"Well..." I didn't like the piercing look of Shizune's eyes "We merely thought it was odd. So, we had to ask, what were you doing? Or what were the others doing?"

"Um...I don't know" I shook my head. I was tired and didn't have the energy to bluff

They were smiling at me. It made me uncomfortable "Did something happen last night?"

"We...uh" I looked at Shizune "You knew Lilly was going away? You're her cousin, right?"

Shizune's eyes widened, as if she was surprised "Lilly told you that?"

I shook my head "No. Akira did. I met your brother, uh...Hidi...Hidi-something..."

Shizune rolled her eyes "Hideaki?"

I nodded "Yeah! He told me"

Shizune tapped Misha on the shoulder "Oh, okay...We're getting off-topic. What does Lilly's leaving have anything to do about it?"

"We had a little party" I said "To send her off"

"So why are you the only one in class?"

I shut up there. I couldn't think of an answer that would give away the alcohol "No reason"

Misha and Shizune shared a sly look between them. I was worried that they knew. Fortunately, they let me go without asking anything else.

I stopped at Hisao's door on the way back to my own room. Gently, I tapped on his door "Hisao?" I called "You in there?" There was no reply. I was worried, although I was pretty sure he just had a bad hangover "I've got a thing for you. If you're feeling any better, I'll be in my room"

I spent a few hours in my room doing homework and studying my notes, followed by more work on Hanako's painting.

Hisao never showed up for his letter. I'll give it to him in the morning.

My name is Smith Kaito, Kaito Smith. I was in an accident. I lost my left hand and lower left leg. My parents are Johnathan Smith and Harumi Yamamoto. I live at Yamaku Academy. My friends are Hanako, Hisao and Lilly. I have a letter for Hisao. I'm going to give it to him today.

I never saw Hisao in the corridors on the way to class, although he did turn up. Hanako came in too, although I never managed to talk to her until the bell.

"How you feeling?" I asked her.

She smiled "I'm okay"

"Hey" came Hisao's voice "Did either of you guys, uh..."

"Tell someone?" I finished the sentence "No. Not about the drink anyway. Misha and that know we had a party"

"And how do they know that?" Hisao asked, giving me a hard stare.

"I told them" I decided to be honest "Was that wrong?"

"No" Hisao sighed "I guess not"

"Hicchan!" came Misha's cheery call from the side, followed by Shizune (as usual) "Not feeling well yesterday?"

"No, but I'm feeling better now" Hisao smiled, although it faltered when he saw Misha's "You sound like you're not being completely serious"

"Oh no, Hicchan, we're genuinely pleased that you're all better now" the girl smiled like butter would not melt in her mouth "In fact, we were quite worried about you. After all...You, Hanako and Lilly were all absent from class on the same day"

Hisao looked at me, then at Hanako, then finally back to Misha with defeated sigh "I guess you have your own theories about this. Could you just kinda...not tell anyone?"

Shizune crossed her arms with a stern look "It's a bit late for that, Hicchan" Misha mirrored her expression "The only reason why we're giving you such a hard time is that you ignored us yesterday morning!"

"Oh, right, the knocking" Realisation dawned on his face "That was you two?"

"It was, and you left us there for ages after we'd taken all the effort of coming to your dormitory early in the morning"

"Sorry" he apologised "I was having a...problem with nausea? A problem with nausea"

Was that really the best excuse he could come up with? All the possibilities and he went with nausea? Then again, I guess I couldn't be one to talk. I didn't say anything merely because I couldn't come up with an excuse.

"So why were you knocking?" Hisao asked

Oh yeah, I almost forgot! "They had a letter" I explained, fishing into my bag "They had a letter for you, but they gave it to me" I handed him the letter "I knocked too, but you didn't answer"

Hisao looked at the letter, and froze when he read it "...Iwanako"

He stared at it for a long time, long enough that I almost asked him if anything was wrong before he looked up at us and pocketed the letter away "Thank you" he said to us.

"I should think so," Misha grinned "After what we went through to get it to you"

Hisao was quick to say goodbye and leave. Hanako and I left for the library.

Hanako left to go find our hiding spot, having already found her book. I on the other hand went into the maze of books to find something, with only my thoughts to comfort me.

I was trying to wrap my head around my new feelings for Hanako. I hadn't thought very hard about it yesterday, but seeing her today had brought it all back to the surface. I knew I liked her, as a friend. I knew that. But as time went on, I was feeling other stuff...Stuff I wasn't entirely sure how to put into words. Funny feelings in my gut and chest when I saw her. When we hugged...

Something knocked into me, spoiling my train of thought "Sorry!" came a voice. I had walked into Yuuko, she had been carrying a stack of books and never saw me coming.

"Sorry" I said, leaning down to try and help her pick the books "Never saw you"

"It's okay" Yuuko said very quickly "I should have looked where I was going" She stared at me "Can I help you look for whatever it is you're looking for?"

"Um..." Oh yeah, I was meant to be looking for a book "Just, um, no thanks. I'm good"

Yuuko looked at me "Are you...feeling okay?" she asked me. I was either easy to read, or she was perceptive than I gave her credit for "You look troubled"

I scratched the back of my head "It's uh, it's nothing. Just got a lot of things on my mind"

"Anything I can help with?"

"It's uh..." I felt my cheeks feel a bit warmer "It's Hanako"

"Hanako?" Yuuko looked confused for moment, before her mind seemingly came to its worst scenario "Is she okay?"

"What? Yeah, she's fine. She was a bit ill yesterday but she's fine"

Yuuko sighed with one massive breath "That's a relief" Her face returned to one of curiosity "So what's the matter?"

"Nothing" I said "It's just..." I struggled to voice my thoughts, afraid of ridicule "You won't tell anyone?" Yuuko shook her head. I suppose that was the closest I was going to get a promise out of her. I took a breath "Okay. I've been having weird...feelings about Hanako"

Yuuko suddenly looked a little uncomfortable "What kind of feelings?" her voice hesitant.

"It's not much" I said "I still feel happy around her and I still like her as a friend it's just...It feels like I feel...more for her than I used to. I don't know what it is. I don't know..." I sighed, hanging my head "I just don't know"

Yuuko gave me a weird look, but smiled anyway "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were...falling for Hanako"

"What do you mean?"

"You're attracted to her" Yuuko explained "Falling in love?"

There was that word again. Love. "No. I don't think it's love" I shook my head "Love's a...a strong thing. A thing that takes years to grow. Love is for married people. I've barely known Hanako..." I made a vague waving gesture with my hand "...For barely a year"

Yuuko smiled at me "Someone people fall a little faster than others" She tapped my arm with her hand "Your feelings may feel 'weird', but they're real"

"But why?" I was confused. I didn't know how to deal with these feelings "Why do I feel like this? Why Hanako? Why now?"

"Well," Yuuko looked as confused as I was, merely shrugging "People fall in love for a reason. A part of you must like her for a reason. Attraction doesn't just develop on its own, after all"

I looked at her, a long stare that in hindsight probably made her a little uncomfortable, before sighing "Okay". So I liked Hanako, more than a friend. I was 'attracted' to her, I could work with that word. I still had no idea what I was meant to do with all this information "What do you do to find out if someone likes...is attracted to you, back?"

"You could always ask" Yuuko shrugged

Was that a serious answer? I could barely string two words together when I'm nervous, and I understood nerves! I didn't understand my current feelings, I couldn't process them! "N-No! I-I c-can't!"

"Okay!" Yuuko said quickly with panic "Okay, you don't have to say anything. I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you scared"

I took a moment to breathe "Okay. Anything else?"

Yuuko rolled her eyes as she thought "You could...maybe try and get closer to her. Figure it out in time. Maybe spend time with her, give her a gift..."

A gift? The painting!

The bell rang, making Yuuko jump in the air. I felt like my bones had been filled with iron. I knew what to do "Thank you" I said to Yuuko before I left to go back to class.

I ran into Hanako on the way back "Are y-you okay?" she asked me "You never came back".

"I'm okay" I assured her, "I was just talking to Yuuko"

Her face seemed a little sad "Oh, okay"

A gift. That's what I needed. I swore to myself I would spend all my free time working on my birthday present for Hanako. I'd sleep as little as I could so I could get it finished as soon as possible.

The city may not have been my favourite place in the world, but during the night...well, it still wasn't my favourite but at least it was a little calmer than what it was in the daytime. At least I thought it was.

I was there with Lilly, Hisao, Hanako and Akira. Everyone was in some casual clothing (if I didn't know any better I'd say everyone only had one outfit apiece). Akira had driven us, which was far better than the bus (even if she drive like mad).

Hanako looked great. I was that used to seeing her in the school uniform that I was absolutely stunned when she turned up in a pink blouse, black pants and a denim jacket. She also had a little black hat on her head, which she currently using to hide her face from passing people.

Concerned, I sped up a little to walk beside her "It's nice tonight" I said in an attempt to start conversation.

Hanako smiled "E-Everything looks so p-pretty at night..." before dropping her gaze again as someone looked in our direction.

"Hey," I gave a friendly nudge "It's alright. I'm here" I probably shouldn't have said anything, but I just wanted Hanako to calm down a little. Even if people paid her less heed in the dark, Hanako still walked like a coiled spring.

"So where are we going?" Hisao asked Lilly, as he walked by her side.

Akira, walking on Lilly's other side, smiled at him. I suppose she was the one in charge tonight. I wasn't sure whether or not that was a comfort "You'll see" she said with a big grin "Just follow us"

So on we walked, passing several perfectly good restaurants, cafes and other establishments. Every now and then I had to swerve to avoid some drunk as they stumbled out of a bar.

Hanako, on the other hand, spent so much time staring at the ground that she didn't notice "S-S-Sorry...!" she stuttered at some drunken businessman knocked shoulders with her. The man didn't seem to notice as he stumbled away, mumbling his own apology. Hanako looked back down to the floor and sped up to catch up to us.

As gently as I could, I reached my arm around her shoulder and edged her a little closer to me.

"Hisao?"

"Sorry!" My hand left her shoulder "It's just...stay close, okay?"

She looked at me for a while without saying anything before nodding "Okay"

It took us a while before we came to a stop. Akira led us away from the brightest parts of the city, below the more modern walkways and into the older districts. There was a smell of cigarettes in the air that I couldn't help but wrinkle my nose at.

"A jazz club" Hisao said, noting the sounds of the music inside the club "I have to admit, I wasn't expecting this"

Lilly gave an amused smile "Somehow I feel like I should have known it, Akira"

Some people were giving us funny looks. I knew I wasn't just being paranoid. Was it because I only hand one hand, or was it just because we were the only teenagers in this part of town?

"C'mon guys" Akira smiled "Just because you're teenagers, doesn't mean you can't have a taste. Right?"

"Taste of what?" I asked her

"Everything!" was her incredibly vague answer

"I don't mind the music, if that's what you mean" Hisao said

"I-I...don't mind it...either..." Hanako nodded, her voice incredibly quiet and restrained. I wished she speak with a bit more confidence, like when we were in school. It was meant to be calm night on the town.

I had to admit, jazz wasn't my go-to genre of music. But I would not deny I liked it "Okay" I nodded "Do we, uh, go in?" My eyes were on Hanako, who looked ready for the ground to swallow her up. It made me sad to see her so withdrawn.

I was all too painfully aware how odd a group we looked. Hisao probably looked the most normal. Lilly, Akira and I all looked foreign enough to stand out, let alone by my scars and missing limb and Lilly's blindness. Hanako, of course, was Hanako. Her scars were mesmerising but that was attention she neither needed nor desired.

With a smile Akira led Lilly inside, followed by the rest of us. The lighting inside of the club wasn't that different from the light outside, which meant I wasn't immediately blinded. So that was good. There was an actual jazz band in the corner merrily playing away. I liked that. I always liked it when you could see the instruments in action. As I looked across the tables and bar, I noticed most of the patrons were men, with only a few women, and no one who wasn't at least in their thirties. We were the youngest people here. That made me a little self-conscious. Hanako, strangely enough, seemed to relax.

Akira rested at the bar with the look of a regular patron. Lilly and Hisao took to some seats as well as the bartender approached.

"Evening" he said in a gruff voice "What'll it be?"

"Just a scotch, thanks" Akira said "Lilly?"

"May I have a glass of champag-" Lilly was cut off by the impact of Akira's elbow in her ribs "Orange juice, please"

"I'll have the same" Hisao said

As the man walked away to pour, Akira looked back to Hanako and I as if she had forgotten we were in the room "You going to order something or are you just going to stand there?"

Hanako started to look restless. I can't say I didn't blame her. The idea of ordering a drink myself gave me unreasonable levels of anxiety, and I could probably pass off as someone in their twenties. Hanako, on the other hand did not.

Looking over her shoulder, I noticed there was a kind of games corner part of the club. I looked at Hanako to see if she wanted to check it out, but she was already looking at it.

"You want to play some pool?" I asked her. She nodded

Akira leaned back on her stool to look past us, before shrugging and sitting up straight again.

"It seems that you'll only have Hisao and I for company tonight" Lilly smiled

"Lucky you" Hisao chuckled

"Have fun guys" Akira smiled at us.

I nodded "Okay" and off we went, Hanako taking the lead. I suppose a nice quiet game was really appealing to her. Personally I agreed with her. There was no one else in this corner, so Hanako visibly unwound and stood a little straighter, her head a little higher.

"You...kn-know how to play?" she asked me

"I uh, I played once I think. With my father" I explained "I think I'll be able to make do"

"Eight-ball, then?" she suggested

I shrugged, I wasn't 100% sure what she meant by that "Okay then"

I grabbed the cues off the wall while Hanako set up the balls. Hanako broke and we began.

It wasn't until I was about to take my shot when we realised a problem: I only had one arm, or at least what remained of my left arm wasn't long enough to comfortably rest my cue on.

"Do you...want to try something else?" Hanako asked me. I wasn't sure what she meant, there was only the pool table and I don't think either of us wanted to go back to the bar.

My spirits were lifted slightly as I saw another cue on the wall "I have an idea" I told her as I took it off its hook.

It was one of those specialised cues that ended in an X-shape. Holding the X-cue under my armpit, I laid my other cue into place on top of it. It looked awkward as hell and I had to hold the cue in a strange reverse-grip kind of way, but I managed to pull off a decent enough shot.

"Huh," I smiled at Hanako "How was that?"

She smiled at me "Well done" It was nice to see she was starting to relax.

I nodded towards the ball I managed to sink "That makes me stripes, right?"

She nodded. I stepped back to let her take her turn, but she didn't move. Rather, she looked down a little and rubbed her arm.

"What is it?" I asked her. I had around her long enough to know some of her visual cues. That one meant she wanted to say something.

"It's nothing" she said "It's just...you have a n-nice smile. Do you like...playing this?"

I shrugged "I haven't played in...years I think" My mind felt a bit fuzzy as thought of the memory "It was...I think it was a good memory"

Hanako tilted her head "You think?"

"Yeah" I nodded "Since my accident, my mind gets a little funny sometimes. Memories lost, words forgotten. It's not as bad as it was but...it still happens sometimes"

"You said you played with your father?" Hanako asked. I guess she was trying to jog my memory.

I nodded "Yeah, my dad took me out one night. Can't remember why, but we played some pool at a place like this. I think it was only the one time"

The conversation ended, I let Hanako take her shot. Her expression was identical to the one she had when we played chess. Relaxed but focused. She made a few practiced motions before taking the shot, the ball going in the pocket despite the difficult angle.

"Good one" I smiled "You're much better at this than I am"

"I'm not...th-that good" she blushed

"You are" I stressed "It's the same with chess. You make this face, like a really serious face"

"I just..." Hanako put her cue against the table "I just like those kinds of things..." She was wringing her hands together "When I was in the orphanage...I just...k-kept doing the things I liked...before. If I p-played games with the others, th-that was enough for the helpers there, so..."

That made sense I guess. Those in charge of orphanages would want their charges to socialise, even a little.

"What..." I asked "What was it like, living in an orphanage?" before quickly adding "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want"

"W-Why do you want to know?" she asked me. I think I had touched a nerve "I'll...tell you, but..."

"But?"

"Could you...t-tell what your l-life was l-like?"

Oh. "Okay" I began to speak as I took my shot "I lived with both my parents. They were nice people. Dad was a construction worker, my mother was a...a...office person. An accountant I think. We lived outside the city. I didn't...I didn't have many friends" I took my shot, and missed. With a little curse, I backed off and let Hanako take her shot. She scored. "Good job" I said

Hanako started speaking as she took up her next shot "The orphanage...was nice. It felt a bit like Yamaku does...and the staff was r-really kind. But as th-the years went on, I realised something. I was d-different" the way she spoke reminded me of when she told me about the fire. Like she was forcing the words out. Her grip on the cue tightened as she continued "M-Most of the children there were up for adoption, just like I was. But unlike me...they gradually left, o-one by one. By the time I went to Yamaku, I was...among the oldest children there. For a while, I h-helped with some of the y-younger children, b-but eventually..."

I put a hand on her shoulder in what I hoped was a calming gesture "It's okay"

She looked, somewhat surprised, but nodded and put her cue down and turned towards me "Do you...really think so?"

I nodded "Yeah. I think. Even if Lilly's gone, you've got me and Hisao and that to look out for you. Right?"

Hanako just stared at me in response. It was a little unnerving. I was so used to Hanako not looking at people that her prolonged eye contact spooked me a little. She had really nice eyes though "H-Hanako?"

"I..." Hanako spoke "I understand. Thank you" She smiled and looked away.

As set up my shot, I looked at Hanako. She had head down and wasn't looking at me or even the table. I was worried, did I say something wrong? I know she didn't talk a lot, but I wish she'd say more, or at least speak her mind more often. With a thud, the ball knocked into my desired target, only for it to ricochet off the eight-ball and knock that into the corner pocket.

"That's bad" I noted "Isn't it?" I looked to Hanako, who was smiling again (maybe mistakes were worth it).

"I win" she said

I sighed. Seems like I was pretty rusty after all. Hanako started to shoot the remaining balls into the pockets when she spoke up again "Um, Kaito"

"Yeah?"

"I'm..." I'm sure what it was, but her voice sounded a little bit different when she spoke "I'm here for you as well"

That made me feel a little warmer in the face, and I found myself "I...Thanks. Thank you"

Hisao came over not long after that to tell us we were leaving. As the five of us walked out, I felt weird as I looked at Hanako. She was acting funny all of a sudden. I couldn't tell exactly what it was, but I felt as if there was some kind of wall between us now.

"So," came Akira's chipper voice "You guys enjoy yourselves?"

Hanako and I both nodded and agreed "Yes" The game was good, and I guess we did learn a bit about each other in the process.

"Worried about your trip, Lilly?" Hisao asked

"A little" she sighed

"So that means really worried" he smiled

Akira clapped a shoulder on Lilly's hand with a laugh. Even Hanako cracked a smile.

"You'll be okay, Lilly" Hanako said "I hope you can enjoy your time over there"

"Thank you, Hanako" Lilly nodded "It will be nice to be back with my family, after all, no matter for how brief a time it may be"

So we went back to the car, small talk passing between us. As we walked, I tried to get my thoughts in order.

My name is Smith Kaito, Kaito Smith. I was in an accident. I lost my left hand and lower left leg. My parents are Johnathan Smith and Harumi Yamamoto. I live at Yamaku Academy. My friends are Hanako, Hisao and Lilly. I am attracted to Hanako. I have...feelings for Hanako.

This is weird.