AN: Oh my god. This one was EXHAUSTING. But also SO much fun to write. But it's not so much a fun chapter. It's one of those real life ones. But not angsty, so don't worry! Just very real. And maybe a little controversial? I mean, not to me, but maybe to some people. I don't know. Like I said- it's real. So, I wanted to keep it that way.
As always, thanks for the reviews. I love them. Except for the ones that are rude and offensive to me as a hardcore Andy fan. But, for the most part, keem 'em coming!
Sam's life quickly fell back to its old ways—his classes, Boyko's classes, homework, grading, and what little time with Andy he could get. His neighbor was taking more care of Boo than he was and he only saw Oliver and Jerry in passing. His week away had caught up with him in more ways than with just Andy. He was behind in his classes and Boyko was livid with him for leaving with only an email.
Andy or Oliver called him nearly every night to see if he wanted to go to a movie or to dinner or to the Penny. Jerry didn't call at all and every time he saw him on campus, he looked a lot less put together than he normally was. So, when he asked Oliver about it, he said, "I don't know. He hasn't said anything and he hasn't been coming out at all."
When he asked Andy if it had anything to do with Traci, she explained, "I'm not really sure. She's been super busy with school and working on her RA application. Maybe they're both just stressed with school."
So, because he was stressed with school, he believed her. And, then, he talked to her for a few more minutes because he missed her. He could picture her alone in her room, sitting on her bed, staring up at the ceiling while she told him all about her basketball game against Chris. She won and he could hear the pride in her voice.
"You know, I think I might be caught up by this weekend," he told her.
"Oh, yeah?" She asked and her pride turned to excitement. "Does that mean I get to see you?"
"You can do a lot more than see, McNally," he promised and she laughed—loud at first until she remembered to pull the phone away from her face and cover her mouth. "All this work I need to catch up on is just making me feel even worse for leaving in the first place," he said quietly when he heard her breath in his ear again.
"Hey, no more beating yourself up about it," she told him. "You did what you had to do. There are always consequences, but you needed to do it, right?"
"Do you really believe that?" He asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.
"Of course," Andy said—quickly and confidently. "If I didn't, I would have let you breakup with me. I probably would have done it myself. Just because I was hurt doesn't mean I don't understand."
"You sure are something, McNally," he told her and she laughed lightly on the other end of the line. "I kind of miss you."
"Well, of course you do," she said. "I'm very missable. But, I'm going to let you go so you can finish up that work and we can have a nice weekend together. If you know what I mean."
"Yeah, Andy, I get it," he laughed, opening his book in front of him again.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow," she said and just as he was about to hang up he heard her again. "Oh, Sam?"
"Yeah?" He asked, putting the phone to his ear again. "What's up?"
"I really miss you," she said and he smiled to himself. "Good night."
"'Night."
When Sam hung up his phone, he let out a deep breath and rolled his shoulders to stretch himself out a little. He'd been at his table for three hours doing work that was leftover from his past two nights in the library. He'd been back from Scarborough for nearly three weeks and his professors had been extremely lenient with him, but he could sense that coming to an end. If he worked the next three nights the way he had been doing, he was certain he'd be up to date with all of his classes like he promised Andy.
Sam needed that weekend with her, too. For the two weeks since he'd run into Jamie Brennan, they'd seen each other only four times and spent only one of those nights together. Seeing her and spending time with her would be his reward for finishing his schoolwork.
"Hey," Traci said when she walked into the room. Andy tossed her phone down on the bed and sat up. She'd just told Sam that Traci was busy, but now she was looking more worn down than usual. She looked the way Sam described Jerry.
"Are you okay, Trace?" Andy asked. Traci hesitated for a few seconds, shuffling her feet, before heaving out a deep sigh. "What's going on?"
Traci started walking toward her and her bed, so she sat with her back against the wall and moved over so she could sit with her. She didn't sit, though; she lay down, resting her head on Andy's lap. It surprised her a little, but she slowly began to run her hand through Traci's hair until she was ready to talk.
"You and Sam are safe, right?" She asked finally—quietly.
"What do you mean by safe?" Andy asked, her heart pounding at what she could be getting at. Did she know something about Sam that Andy didn't? Was he done with her? Was he planning on breaking up with her over the weekend?
"Like… Like safe," Traci sighed, rolling onto her back so she could look up at Andy's confused and worried face. "Sex wise?"
"Oh," Andy said, nodding immediately. "Yes. I'm on the pill, he wears condoms… Most of the time. We're safe," she explained. "I mean, sometimes, the heat of the moment comes up and we don't use a condom, but we're both tested, so I'm not completely worried about it. But, yeah, we're safe," she insisted, rambling enough to know she needed to calm down and stop repeating the fact that they were safe. "Wait, why?"
"I don't know," Traci said, turning onto her side again and Andy ran a comforting hand up and down her shoulder.
Traci wasn't saying anything more and she wasn't moving and it was really starting to concern Andy. Traci was the most reliable person she knew, so she wanted to be there for her, but it was difficult when she wasn't willing to talk about what was wrong in the first place.
"Jerry and I are usually safe," she started suddenly—like she was in the middle of a conversation. She was playing with the tear in Andy's jeans, right on her knee, and Andy could feel her breathing grow faster. "But, we weren't so safe a few times."
"Traci?" Andy asked, worried again. Not about herself, but her best friend. "Is everything okay?"
"Do you ever just have one of those days where nothing goes right?" She asked, turning onto her back again.
"Have you met me?" Andy asked, forcing a laugh and Traci barely cracked a smile. "Of course I have. Are you having one of those days?"
"Try one of those weeks," Traci sighed, sitting up next to her. "I told Jerry a couple of days ago that I think I'm pregnant. We decided to wait a couple of days to see if I got my period, but… He just went to go buy a test. He's going to pick me up on his way home. I don't know what I'm going to do."
Andy didn't know what she could do to comfort her. When her jaw fell open, she clamped it shut as quickly as she could and then she put her arm around Traci's shoulders and pulled her into her side. She didn't know what to say before she felt the tears on her shirt and the only thing she could think of when she did was just a few comforting words strewn together.
"What am I supposed to do?" Traci finally asked and Andy breathed in deeply before letting it out.
"You're going to find out first," Andy said, rubbing her arm. "You and Jerry are going to take that test and then you're going to make a doctor's appointment. Then, when you know the answer, for sure, the two of you are going to figure something out. I know you will. You two are solid and you can handle anything."
"What if we're not?" She asked, sliding out of Andy's arms and off of the bed to pace in small circles. "What if we think we are and we end up ruining everything? What if I am pregnant and we decide to keep it and one of us ends up leaving in the middle of the night? What if I don't keep it and one of us ends up resenting the other? What if we decide to keep it and then something happens and I lose it? What if we decide to put it up for adoption and then we can't work up the courage to let it go and we end up in a mess we weren't prepared for? What if-?
"Okay," Andy said, shaking her hands before pushing herself off of the bed. Just as Traci turned toward her to start pacing in her direction, she put her hands on her shoulders. "You need to breathe, Trace. Just breathe, okay? You'll figure this out. We'll figure it out. I'm right here, okay? I'm not going anywhere. So, if you need me, I am right here. Got it?"
She watched Traci take a couple of deep breaths before nodding. She pulled her into a tight hug and it took a few seconds, but eventually, Traci squeezed back and started breathing more steadily. That is, until her phone ring. They pulled apart and just stared at it on the desk until Traci shook herself out of the trance she was under and picked it up.
Andy listened to half of the conversation, knowing it was Jerry waiting outside. Traci told him she'd be right down and then turned back to Andy. "Thanks," she said, sliding the phone into her back pocket. "Seriously. I love you."
"I love you," she smiled. "Go. Let me know what you find out."
"I will," Traci nodded, pulling herself together. Just before she was about to open the door to leave, she turned toward Andy. "We kind of decided we weren't going to tell anyone until we found out for sure, so can you not tell Gail? Or Sam? Or… Anyone?"
"I promise," Andy nodded and Traci smiled. It was a small one, but it was something.
As soon as the door shut behind her, Andy went into full-on Andy mode. She practically ripped open her laptop as she fell into her desk chair. Once the internet was up and running, she went straight into researching birth control statistics and methods she may not have been familiar with. She kept a watchful eye on her phone, looking for any sign from Traci, and continued to scour the internet. Apparently, her sex ed teacher was right, abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancy. Well, it was a little late for that.
Though her mind was on Traci, she began to wonder about her own situation with Sam. Yes, she was on birth control and, yes, her birth control had good reviews, but still wasn't 100% reliable. For the majority of the time, she and Sam were extra safe and used condoms, but that also wasn't reliable enough to calm her raging nerves. As she continued to read, she began thinking more and more about her birth control use.
Did she take it at the same time every single day? Did she even remember to take it every single day? She checked her stash and, for the current month, she had. But what about the month before? What about months in the future? What were some other options? How could she ever tell her father if she was pregnant? How could she tell Sam? Would they keep it? Stay together? Quit school to raise it? Have an abortion? Give it up for adoption? Cry? Fight? Breakdown completely?
She needed to take her own advice. She needed to breathe. But she couldn't, not when Traci sent her a text with one, singular word: Pregnant.
Another night at his kitchen table and Sam was still busy catching up with all his work. The end was near, though, and knowing that gave him the biggest sense of relief. He could see the finish line. He could see a weekend alone with Andy. It was so close.
When he had arrived back to his apartment after two of his classes, two of Boyko's classes, and two hours at the library, it was pretty late. Boo was waiting for him at the front door and Sam showered him with as much attention and affection he could before taking up residence at his table. Not twenty minutes after he sat down, there was a knock on his door—a slow, loud knock.
Sam sighed but got up to answer the door, surprised to see Jerry standing in front of him with a case of beer. "You got a minute?" He asked and Sam nodded.
He still looked the same as when they'd passed on campus—tired, defeated, a little messy. "Yeah, of course," he said, moving aside to let him in.
Boo got excited at the prospect of someone new to play with, but Jerry headed straight past him and sank into the couch. Sam whistled and Boo trotted, defeated, over to stand in front of him. He walked into the kitchen, pulled out a treat, and gave it to Boo with a rub behind his ear. Then, he sat down next to Jerry on the couch and accepted the beer that was being held out to him.
"If Andy was pregnant, what would you do?" Jerry asked and Sam's face immediately plummeted at the bluntness.
"Um, wha-What do you mean?" He stuttered, biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from saying anything more.
"I mean, what would the two of you do?" Jerry asked slowly, enunciating each word. Sam took a long sip of his beer, all the while watching Jerry's blank expression on the other side of the couch.
"Is Traci pregnant?" He finally asked and Jerry nodded. "What are you going to do?"
"That's what I'm here for, Sammy," he said, finally looking at him. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what she's going to do. We have no idea what's going to happen."
"Did she go to the doctor's yet?" Sam asked, breathing in deeply.
"Tomorrow," Jerry said and Sam nodded. "She took a test at home, so we thought it was best to go in as soon as possible."
"Good," Sam nodded, smiling a little to alleviate some of the tension. It didn't work.
"What would you do?" Jerry asked again and Sam sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.
"I don't know, buddy," he said truthfully. "I've never thought about it."
"Well, can you do me a favor? Can you think about it and give me some insight? I'm kind of freaking out over here," he said and Sam nodded, doing as he was asked.
Kids were something he maybe wanted, one day. If he had the chance to do it, to be a dad, he didn't know what kind he would be. All he knew was that he wouldn't be like his own. And if Andy was pregnant now… what would they do? God, the thought was way too much for him. Hadn't he already had one breakdown about how serious they were? A kid would just add to that. He was afraid he'd bolt—for good.
But he wouldn't. At least, he wouldn't want to. If Andy were pregnant and she wanted to keep it, what would he do? He'd stay, he'd go to every doctor's appointment, he'd defer school until they were settled, he'd get a job with his degree, he'd make them safe and comfortable, he'd love them, he'd be there. But it wasn't what he wanted—what either of them wanted. They both had school to finish and lives to live. They had plans and they were still learning about themselves—individually and as a couple. They were not ready for a kid, but if it happened, he'd take care of it.
"I would do whatever McNally wanted," he finally said and Jerry nodded, focusing on the beer in his hand. Sam still didn't know what she would want or how he would react, but that seemed like the safe answer. "If she wanted to keep it, I'd be there to stay with her and raise it and take care of them both. If she wanted to give it up or terminate the pregnancy, I'd be okay with that, too. As long as we talked about it, I'd do whatever she wanted."
"You think we're at the points in our lives where we could be dads?" Jerry asked, a little surprised and Sam shrugged.
"I think we're at the point in our lives where we love the women we're with," Sam said and Jerry nodded again. "And we're at that point where we'll do whatever is right for everyone. It's not ideal and it's not in the plans, but it's feasible."
"I'm not ready," Jerry whispered and Sam reached over to pat his shoulder. "Traci's not ready."
"Okay, well no decisions have to be made today, Brother," Sam reminded him and he hung his head. "Talk to Traci, think about it together, figure it out. You know? Whatever you guys decide, I'll be around if you need me. I'm sure McNally is more than willing to be, too."
"Yeah, about that," Jerry sighed. "Trace and I decided we weren't telling anyone until we went to the doctor's and knew for sure. So, you know, don't tell Andy. Or Oliver."
Sam sighed, but nodded. He didn't want to keep that kind of secret from Andy, but he also couldn't go and break Jerry's trust. He'd gone to him for advice and support and Sam was going to stick to his word.
Jerry hung around and they continued drinking beers while watching some TV—Sam's homework flung aside for the moment. But, as they watched and drank and didn't talk, Sam started noticing little things scattered around his apartment that didn't belong to him. Andy's earrings were on the coffee table next to a tube of fruity chapstick he was used to tasting on her lips. There was a pair of her flip flops with a pile of his own shoes near the front door and one of her jackets hung over the back of one of his kitchen chairs. He knew if he were to look through his clothes, he'd be missing at least two sweatshirts and who knew how many t-shirts?
None of this bothered him before, none of it even crossed his mind. Now, with Jerry sitting next to him—terrified and worried about being a father—Sam remembered why he'd left in the first place. Things were serious between him and Andy. And, yeah, he loved her. And, of course, he'd want to be there if they got pregnant. But, they could avoid that… Right?
She was on the pill. He knew that—he'd seen her take it time and time again. And he wore condoms. Well, he almost always wore them. Sometimes, things got real heated real fast and all decision making went out the window. Sometimes, there was no time for a condom when he couldn't think straight enough without touching her or being touched by her. Sometimes, he needed to be inside of her faster than was even possible. And, plus, they'd both been tested since they started sleeping together and, with her on the pill, he didn't put much thought into the forgotten condoms.
How effective were her birth control pills, though? He knew condoms were only, like, 97% effective—which were still pretty good odds, if he was being honest. But, if he didn't want to end up like Jerry and Traci, should he and Andy think longer and harder about their birth control methods? Was there anything else they could do to keep from getting pregnant? They could stop having sex, but could they really? Would they?
On Friday, Andy took initiative and skipped her two classes. She knew Traci was at the doctors getting checked out and a more official pregnancy test than the ones that came from a box. She knew that she was freaking out and that Jerry had been a huge support since they'd taken the test, but she also knew how much Traci didn't want to be pregnant—not now, not with so much school left and plans made. And Andy knew, in her heart of hearts, that no matter how much she was in love with Sam and no matter how much she hoped they'd be together forever, that she could not have his baby as a freshman in college.
Okay, well, she could and she believed that, together, they both could. They didn't want that, though. Not that they ever talked about it, but she assumed as much. And she felt it was a safe assumption. Sam was still scared of them being so serious and putting so much into their relationship. He couldn't possibly want to be a father when he wasn't even sure he could be a solid boyfriend or when he thought she might bolt at some point. They weren't ready for kids. She was still a kid.
So, instead of class, Andy went to the on-campus walk-in clinic. She'd only ever been there once when she was sick first semester, but she remembered a whole slew of pamphlets set up. She'd go in, grab as many about birth control and pregnancy and adoption and abortion that she could find. She'd study it to death and she would, at some point, feel more confident about her options and her decisions.
She walked in, pulled off her hood, and turned right for the rack of literature. She picked up one, then another, then another five. She stuffed them all into her backpack and turned to leave just as someone came out from behind the reception desk.
"Is there anything we can help you with?" She asked—a nurse, according to her badge, young, pretty, definitely someone who could have been in Andy's shoes once upon a time.
"I don't think so," she lied, wringing her hands behind her back. "I'm just looking for some pamphlets."
"On… Pregnancy?" Nurse Beautiful asked—okay, so her name was Nurse Dawson, but Andy couldn't help but notice how pretty she was. She'd make a good mother; Andy could tell by her tone and the look on her face.
"How'd you know?" Andy asked, falling into one of those uncomfortable seats they have in waiting rooms all across the world. Was there a special catalogue doctors' offices and hospitals ordered from?
Nurse Dawson smiled and sat down next to her. "I was watching you the whole time, expecting you to have some questions," she explained and Andy nodded. "Do you have any? I actually work for and OB/GYN when I'm not here. I'm a great resource."
She hesitated, but when Nurse Dawson flashed her a smile, she dove in. She told her about the brand of pill she used and asked about it's effectiveness, even though she'd already done the internet research. 99% is she took it every day at the same time, closer to 90% if she was less diligent. She asked if there was another option she should consider if she and Sam weren't planning on never having sex again but still weren't ready to have a baby. Nurse Dawson suggested an IUD.
"Did you grab the informational literature on that?" She asked and Andy nodded, pulling it out of her backpack to show her. "Great, that has a lot of really good information. And what about condoms? It's always good to have a backup, especially to prevent any diseases."
"We use them," Andy said quickly. "For the most part. And we're both clean, but we still use them when we aren't jumping each other's bones with reckless abandon," she said and the nurse laughed. "Sorry. You didn't need to know that."
"No, hey, it's fine," she said, putting a comforting—motherly—hand on Andy's forearm. "I'm just glad you're safe. Do you have any other questions?"
"Just a couple," Andy insisted before asking seven more. Nurse Dawson didn't even bat an eyelash—just listened and answered whatever she could.
Andy left with a total of eight pamphlets—she'd missed one at first—and a referral to a doctor who specialized in IUDs. She felt both more overwhelmed and less scared. She was armed with information and answers and she—and Sam—could go on having a healthy sex life while avoiding becoming parents.
Yet, she could feel it deep in her gut that she wasn't ready quite yet to jump back into bed with him. Not, at least, until Traci got her results. According to text she got on her way out of the clinic, that wouldn't be until Monday. Andy knew she and Sam had plans over the weekend and she intended on keeping them, on staying with him even, but she also intended on abstaining for a little while. And, Sam being Sam, he wouldn't even fight her on it when it came down to her refusing his advances. Just one of the many, many reasons she loved him. He'd understand without having to ask—without Andy having to break her promise to Traci.
Due to Jerry's night with Sam, he still wasn't caught up on his homework. He was very close, though, so he told Andy to come over as planned. She wanted to cook dinner, so he asked if it would be okay for him to finish his work while she did. She insisted upon it and showed up ten minutes later—backpack and grocery bag in tow.
"Hey," he said, smiling tightly when he opened the door.
"Hi," she said, head down as she walked past him. When she kissed him—a hand between them on his chest to keep some distance, it seemed—it was more a force of habit than something either needed to do. "I'm really happy to see you," she said quietly before running her tongue between her lips to wet them. "Missed you."
"I missed you," he agreed. "You need anything?"
"Nope," she said, smiling tightly. "I know where everything is. Go. You'll know when dinner's done."
Sam nodded and kissed her on the temple before he started packing up his things to move to the bedroom. But, then, he looked at her bustling around his kitchen and he just sat on the other side of the table so he could work and watch her. Just because he had Jerry's situation playing tricks with his mind didn't mean he didn't miss her all week. It didn't mean he wanted to completely pull away from her. No, he still wanted to be near her. Even if he didn't want to have sex with her. Sex meant babies and babies were not in the plan. It would be a little while before he tried to have sex with her. And if she initiated, who knew if he could resist her? But he'd try. At least for now. At least until Jerry told him the results of the doctor's test on Monday.
She noticed him sitting there and smiled at him timidly, but then went about her work on dinner. As he focused on the work in front of him, he could hear her mumbling to herself like she did when she was focused on her own thing. He wasn't listening exactly, so he couldn't hear what it was she was mumbling about, but he liked the sound of her voice, nonetheless.
Eventually, Boo passed by the table and joined Andy in the kitchen and he looked up long enough to see the smile on her face at his presence. When she started mumbling again, she was talking to Boo more than herself. That's when Sam stopped working and started listening.
"You're about as close to a baby as I can handle right now, you know that?" She asked and Sam's pen dropped out of his hand. "No babies for your daddy and Andy. Nope, not anytime soon. You know who has a doctor's appointment for some new birth control? Me. A nice, new IUD," she said, leaning over to kiss Boo's head. Sam just sat there, staring at her back while she put the chicken in the oven to bake.
"Uncle Jerry and Auntie Traci can have all the babies they want," she said and Sam started to shake his head over and over. "But they don't want them, do they? No, they don't. And neither do I. Not now. Not anytime soon. I've got you, though. Right, Boo?"
Sam continued to sit there, listening and watching, until she turned around and noticed his full attention. "I forgot you were there," she said, falling to lean against the counter. "What did you hear?"
"What I already knew," he said slowly and could hear her swallow from across the room. "Well, plus the fact that you don't want to have my kids."
"Now," she said, voice shaking on the single syllable. "I don't want them now. Or anytime soon. You… You know about Traci?"
"Jerry came over last night freaking out," he confirmed. "You know? Well, obviously you know."
"We should talk about this," she said. "Plus, I've got some things for you."
Sam nodded and watched as she picked up her backpack and sat down across from him. She pulled out a pile of folded pamphlets—the one on top saying something along the lines of "Safe sex and the advantage of condoms"—followed by an economy size box of condoms. Sam couldn't help but laugh at the size of it.
"I don't think we have that much sex, Andy," he said, pulling it closer to read the label. "Or that it's humanly possible to have that much sex."
"It is and, believe it or not, I think we do," she said. "There's another box at my dorm, just in case."
"McNally," he said, shaking his head. "We've literally never had sex there."
"Well, I'm sorry, but I want to be safe. I love you, but I can't have a baby," she said. "And I don't think you want that, either. Condoms everywhere from here on out. No risking it."
"Listen," he sighed, running his hand through his hair, scratching his scalp along the way to calm his nerves. "I don't want us to get pregnant. I promise you that. I know what Jerry is going through and I know I don't want to go through that. And, honestly, I'm glad you don't either. It's a huge relief."
"I'm nineteen!" She laughed—all humor lost. "Of course I don't."
"Okay," he said, breathing calmly. "As long as we know that, we can move past this. It's not even our mess. We're freaking out over something that's not happening to us."
"But it could."
"I know that. I understand why I've been running all the times we've had sex through our mind—and not for the fun stuff, either. It's all for the scary possibilities," he said, his foot tapping uncontrollably under the table. "We cannot, cannot have a baby. Not for, at least, another five years. And who the hell knows if we'll even be together at that point? No one. As much as we say we will, as much as we want to, we can't say for sure. We're not psychics."
"Believe me, I know," she agreed, her head shaking back and forth. "And I do want to be, but if we have a baby now, we're even less likely to make it that five years. Especially once my dad would find out. I mean, you'd be dead. You know that, right? Dead. He'd kill you."
"I assumed as much," he laughed, feeling a little lighter now that they were talking about it and knowing they were on the same page—the page that didn't involve a baby.
"Whatever Traci and Jerry find out on Monday," Andy said, breathing deeply and relaxing into her seat. "We just have to be there for them. If they are pregnant, for real, we just need to be their best friends. We need to support whatever decisions they make. And, as scary as it is, we need to think about what we would do."
"Whatever you wanted," he said and she squeezed her eyes shut.
"That's a lot of pressure to put on a college freshman, Sam," she said and he pursed his lips, shrugging. "You wouldn't have any input?"
"I can't say for sure, McNally," he said, biting at his bottom lip before letting it go. "I can't know until I'm actually in it. But, I'd stay with you and I'd take care of you no matter what you decided. You don't have to worry about me. I'm not going anywhere."
"You've said that before," she reminded him quietly, looking down at her hands as they flipped through her pamphlets. "I want to believe you-"
"I know," he said and she slowly dragged her eyes up to meet his. "And you can. I swear. I'm not my father, McNally. And I am not your mother."
Her whole face softened to the point where he could just barely see a smile starting up one side of his face. "Okay," she nodded, leaning over the table to kiss him. "Then I believe you."