She drew her knees closer to her chest.
The water kept spraying above her, hitting the back of her head. The room was full of steam but her body kept shaking as the sobs wrecked havoc on her body.
For the past 10 minutes she let her frustrations seep out of her as feelings of woe overpowered her usually mild-mannered demeanor. Outside, she pretended she was fine, answering questions thrown out at her left and right. She knew that her responses were crucial to Samcro so she carefully constructed her answers to keep the outlaws and herself in the clear.
Normally, she would had been proud of her astute answers but given her current situation, there was not much to celebrate. So much of her future lay uncleared and it was incredibly unsettling for her.
Her fingernails were filthy. Usually, her surgical hands were immaculate but then again she was not in any normal situation.
She tried to steady her sobs as she scrubbed her hands with the bar of soap that Margaret gave her but the adrenaline coursing throughout her body made the task increasingly difficult.
What has happened to her?
Another sob escaped her lips as the hot water continued to cascade down her back. She tried to get up from the tile floor but she barely had any strengthen in her body. So she drew her knees tighter to her chest and allowed for the tears to stream gently down her cheeks.
"What the fuck is taking them so long?" Jax paced in the small office, an unlit cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth.
Opie watched as his best friend continuously paced around Margeret Murphy's office. Jax often ran his hand through his long hair, a nervous habit he has never parted with. Opie sat quietly, choosing to remain silent instead of engaging Jax in any sort of conversation. No words could bring comfort to Jax, not when so many things were on the line and up in the air.
After a few more silent minutes, Jax looked at Opie. "You got nothing to say, bro." Jax removed the cigarette from his mouth and threw it in the nearest wastebasket.
Opie shrugged his shoulders. "Not much to say, brother. You fucked up. And you fucked up bad. I told you that the porn slut was a dick move. Tara might forgive you, eventually, but that sting of that betrayal will never go away."
Jax glared at Opie. "That's not what I need to fucking hear right now."
"You want me to lie to you instead, Prince Charming?" answered Opie, his voice full of sarcasm. Even after her ten year absence, Opie had nothing but love for Tara, who was like a sister to him. When Jax fucked Ima, Opie wanted to ram his fist in his best friend's face for hurting the one woman who has stood by him since he was sixteen. The only thing that saved Jax was the fact that Abel was missing.
Jax flinched. Opie knew how much his best friend hated being refer to as Prince Charming. Jax sat in one of the empty chairs, his arm still bandaged from the ax cut. He ran his fingers thru his hair as he sighed. "No. Never lie to me, Op. You and Tara are the only ones who keep me honest," he muttered as he looked at his hands.
Opie nodded. "You fucked up bad, bro. She walked in on you with that whore, while she had your baby in her belly. Did you ever think how bad it was for her? The choice she had to make when Cameron held her at gun point? Her having to choose between standing up to the Irish and possibly having him kill Abel, then her and the baby she was carrying? Or for her to stay quiet so she could save the lives of all three? If it weren't for Tara, we would had not known that Cameron took Abel. Her watching as the Irish took the baby boy she has been raising since day o..."
"ENOUGH" Jax yelled, his face crimson. Jax stood suddenly and punched the nearest wall, his hand going right thru the plaster. Jax body turned away from him bracing the wall in front of him. His body started shaking right as Opie stood and walked towards the door.
"Make shit right with her man. You lost her once. Don't lose her again cause this time, I doubt she is coming back."
Jax turned away from the wall and looked at his best friend as silent tears streamed down his face.
Her sobs had subsided but the tears kept on coming. The water had her shivering but she couldn't muster the strength to get up from the floor. Her ribs hurt, her head hurt, her heart hurt... All of her hurt.
She sensed him before she even heard his soft footballs against the linoleum floor. Her body had been tuned to him since she was sixteen, always aware when he was around.
She continued to stare out in front of her even when she heard his clothes drop to the floor near the stall.
"Tara," he whispered as he knelt next to her, the cold water making him shiver slightly.
She ignored him, choosing instead to look ahead.
He tried moving her face so she could look at him but she slapped his hand away making him flinch in the process.
"Please babe..." his voice broke. "Please look at me."
"Don't call me that. You lost the privilege the moment you fucked that whore," she answered menacingly. The feelings of sorrow she was feeling before his arrival quickly switched to anger. Pure, unadulterated anger.
Tara stood and grabbed the soap that Margaret had left for her. She shut off the water and walked to another shower stall, leaving Jax kneeling by the floor. When she turned on the water, she allowed for the full blast to hit her in her face, washing away all the excess tears and their tracks. She lathered her hands and washed away the grime of the attic and that dried blood from the woman Salazar killed in front of her. There was also Luisa's blood to consider. So much blood in so little time.
What has happened to her?
She felt his hands on her back as she continued to wash herself. "Get off." She tried to shrug him off but that just prompted Jax to hold onto her even tighter. She washed the remaining soap and shut off the water.
"Tara..."
She turned around and slapped him with all her might.
Jax stood slightly shocked and silent looking at her green orbs. Those green eyes he has loved so much were looking at him with so much disgust that he didn't even know what to do with himself. Tara scoffed and walked away, leaving him standing there in the middle of the shower stall.
He rubbed his cheek and quickly made his way out of the stall. Gathering his clothes, Jax made it to the main locker area, where Tara was quickly toweling off. When she dropped the towel to the nearest bench, he noticed the massive bruise which covered her whole left side and he gasped at seeing how pale and thin and banged up she looked.
"The baby..." he said and noticed how she tensed up at his words.
Tara wordlessly put on fresh underwear as he continued to wait for any acknowledgement of his words.
He threw his clothes on the floor and walked to her and turned her around ignoring her shock gasp.
"Is our baby ok, Tara?"
She tried to shrug out of his grasp but he held on, desperately waiting to hear the words that would sooth part of his soul.
"Get the fuck off me, you stupid piece of shit," she said the tears threatening to spill over once again. She slapped him again but Jax held on to his beloved as she continue to slap his face and punch his chest, grunts of anger escaping her sweet lips.
When she didn't have any strengthen left, she collapse onto him, her sobs wrecking havoc in her small frame.
But he held on... held on for his dear life...
She continued sniffling way after her sobs subsided. Jax continued stroking her hair as he held onto her, her face resting against his bare chest, his back resting against the lockers.
She felt drained. She knew that there were people waiting for her but exhaustion had her paralyzed on that cold floor.
"Tara," he muttered against her hair, his lips kissing her crown gently. "We got to get up. We got to check on our baby..."
She closed her eyes. "Gemma couldn't keep her mouth shut, could she?" she whispered.
"I'm glad she didn't" Jax replied. "When were you going to tell me?"
Tara remained silent for a moment or two. So much of her future depended on this conversation. On their future. Did they even have one at this point? She felt hurt and betrayed and lost. Jax was part of who she was but she didn't know if he would ever forgive her for failing him at the most crucial of moments. She let Cameron take Abel without a slight fight.
"Please answer me, babe."
"Don't call me that. I am not your babe." She pushed herself from him and stood. She needed to put distance between them. She grabbed her sole spare jeans from her locker and put them on quickly. From her peripheral view, she saw Jax stand, all naked. She only hoped that he had enough sense to lock the door when he came in.
She winced when she moved hastily to grabbed one of the spare shirts she kept in her locker. That small movement was enough to have Jax rushing to her side. Usually, that level of commitment would had her smiling but he cheated on her. The one thing she would not tolerate, he did so to hurt her.
"Tara let me help you," he pleaded.
"I don't need your fucking help, Jackson. Why don't you go and find that porn bitch. I bet she could use your help now. " She put on the shirt and gasped at the pain she felt when she rose her arms.
She grabbed her boots and socks and walked to another bench on the other side of the locker. She gently sat and started putting on her socks when she heard the cry. She quickly looked up and saw Jax sitting in front of her locker, his hands on his face as his body gently shook from his sobs.
She has seen Jax cry a couple of times since they became what they have become. When they were younger, he was more likely to break down in front of her than in front of any of the club members, Opie included. But as the club sucked Jax into its vortex, the sensitive biker she fell in love with became harden and colder. Although Jax freely expressed his inner turmoil to her, she has not seen him cry in over eleven years.
"Jax?" she quietly rose from her seat.
He looked up at her with tears freely coming down his cheek.
"Don't you see, Tara?"
She walked towards him a lump forming in her throat. She had to remain strong. He was her kryptonite but she couldn't falter to him, not now at least. There was too much on the line now.
"Don't I see what, Jackson?" she answered coldly. She sat besides him keeping a safe distance between the two.
"Don't you see how much I love you." He grabbed her right hand and put it above his Abel tattoo. "Feel that, Tara." His heart beat gently against her palm. "Feel how this heart beats for you and only you. I would give anything for you. I would do anything for you. I did what I did for you."
She shut her eyes and removed her hand from his heart.
She stood and walked away from him, leaving him there, sitting with tears streaming down his face.
He watched her as he felt his heart breaking in two. Her distance had him shaking out of pure fear. He has had guns pointed at him, his life dangling before his eyes but never has he felt so much fear as he is feeling now. He fucked up and he fucked up royally. He was not one to beg but today would be the day that he would beg this woman to forgive him.
"Tara, I am so sorry. So sorry for failing you. For not protecting you from Cameron and Salazar and Kohn. For not protecting you from Derek. I am sorry for not protecting you from the violence and death. I am so sorry for not putting you and Abel before the club. I am sorry for not taking your pain into consideration and drowning in my own sorrow instead of leaning on you for love and support." He stood and walked to where she was standing. "I am sorry for letting the club getting in the way of the life we could have built over the years. I am sorry for letting Gemma dictate my life when I was a teen. Most of all I am sorry for not being the man you needed me to be. For looking for an easy way out instead of fighting for us...instead of fighting for our family."
Tara's lips trembled as she watched him get closer.
"Please forgive me, Tara. Please forgive me for the sake of our son and our baby. For the sake of our family."
"Abel..." she whispered as the face of the baby boy she loved so much came to mind. She placed her hands on her belly and she allowed for the tears to follow freely once again.
She failed Abel. She failed him the worst way a mother could fail a child. She didn't protect him from the evil of the world.
If she couldn't protect Abel, how would she protect her unborn child?
"I can't, Jax..." she whispered, her eyes closed.
She heard another sob and opened her eyes. Jax was crumbling in front of her.
"Why not?" he managed to get out. "Just give me another chance."
Tara shook her head. "I wasn't talking about us. I couldn't save Abel. He took him from me, Jax. He plugged a knife into Half-Sack and pointed a gun to my face. Abel started crying and I couldn't get to him," she cried. She silently relived that horrible afternoon but she never voiced the crippling fear she felt as soon as she saw Cameron entering Jax's home. "How could I be a mother to this baby, when I couldn't even save Abel?"
Her looked up and saw Jax looking at her with utter shock. He walked towards her and tilted her face until their eyes connected. "Tara, listen to me. What happened with Cameron is not your fault."
She shook her head. "It was Jax. I should have fought, I should have screamed, I should have sav..." her words were cut off when she felt Jax's mouth fuse with hers.
His hands made their way to her hair and he felt her relax against his touch. He poured his soul into that kiss and felt her tears against his face.
He loved this woman so much. He lost her once when she left for San Diego. He was not about to lose her again. His son needed her. He needed her.
He sought entry to her mouth with his tongue and to his surprise, she allowed him. Jax was like a man possessed. He devoured her sweetness.
She felt his tongue seeking entrance to her mouth and she let him. As much as she hated what he did, she still loved him. Jax was part of her. He was so engrained in her that it was like he was part of her DNA.
Her heart started pounding against her chest and she knew she would cave in if they continued at the pace they were going out.
He felt her pull away from him but he held on.
He peppered her face with kisses.
"I love you. I love you. I love you," he said between kisses.
She gently pushed him away. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "That love doesn't mean anything, Jax. Not if you don't make a change. You can't crawl into bed with the nearest whore just because things are difficult between us. If you want us to work, I need to be able to trust you and I don't trust you. Not anymore. You could say all the 'I'm sorries,' you want but that won't change the fact that you cheated on me. That was my only deal breaker. Not all the bullshit things you do for the club or all the murders you probably witness or partake in. Cheating was my line on the sand. You cheated on me when I needed you the most. You cheated on me regardless of the pain I was feeling for losing Abel. You acted so selfishly when I risked my career and my life for you and Samcro. For what? Cause you were scared of what the club life might bring to my life? Maybe you should have thought of that 7 months ago. I was ready to leave Charming but you stopped me. You told me that I was the only face you ever saw. Did you see my face while you were fucking Ima?"
Jax hung his head low. Every word was like a knife being jammed into him.
"But you know w hat was worse?" he rose his eyes to meet hers when he heard her voice crack.
"It wasn't being in the attic, helpless. It wasn't seeing that whore with your shirt on. You said I wasn't your family. After all that I have done for you. For Abel. You said I wasn't your family. What did the last couple of months mean to you, then? Was I just a familiar pussy that you fucked every night so you wouldn't feel the 'disconnect'?"
Jax shook his head furiously. "No, Tara. I..."
Tara held up her hand."Just don't. I am done with all this crap, Jax. When you left for Ireland, I use to say to myself, 'I don't deserve this,' but I got it all wrong. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve the love or dedication I poured out into this relationship. For over ten years, I held myself back when I was in other relationships because of the love and bond we shared back when we were teens. Apparently, that didn't mean shit to you. You haven't changed. You are still the same boy who lets his mother dictate his life and who allows Samcro get in between his duty as a man."
Tara turned to walk away. "Tara! Wait!"
She turned slightly.
Feeling vulnerable, Jax reached for his boxers and put them on. Sighing, he ran his hands thru his hair. "What do I have to do? Do I have to crawl on my knees and beg you for my forgiveness? Tell me what do I have to do?"
"Don't you understand? It's too late. This can't happen anymore. You and I aren't meant..."
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT!" shouted Jax, his face turning crimson. He walked towards her and stood in front of her. He grabbed her face and forced her to look at him. "Don't you fucking dare say we aren't meant to be. You and I are soulmates. We are one soul that flows in two bodies. Before you I wasn't alive Tara. When you left, I was walking on this Earth on autopilot. I cannot exist without you, babe. Do you want to know why I threw myself into the club after you left? Do you know why? Cause when you left, you took all of me with you. I had nothing left but Samcro. When you came back, it was like I took my first breath in a very long time. I felt alive. Then the shit with Abel and Wendy happened. You saved him. Just like me, you gave him life in a way that not even his biological mother could have. Now you have our baby growing inside of you. All three of us belong to you. Me, Abel and that baby. We wouldn't be alive for if it weren't for you. We all belong together. You are my family, Tara. We are a family, babe," he kneeled down to his knees and placed his head on her belly.
"You are right, Tara. I don't deserve you. Fuck, I knew that when I was sixteen. But Abel and this baby deserve having a mother. They deserve to have you and only you in their lives. When I go inside, I want you to raise our babies. You are the best side of me, Tara. I don't want them to grow up with the darkness I have. I want them to have your light and goodness, babe. Please stay and save our babies. Stay for them, if not for me."
She knelt down in front of him.
"You want us to have this baby?" she whispered.
"More than anything, Tara. I want you to be the mother to our children. Please babe. Please stay. Please forgive me."
And you don't blame me for what happen to Abel?"
Her heart pounded against her chest as they both knelt in the hard floor.
"I never blamed you for that, Tara. Cameron is on me. Salazar is on me. You did what any good mother would have done. You kept our babies alive." He reached over and placed one of his hands on her stomach.
She looked down and saw his hand on her belly. She felt the spark between them. The restless energy that would never be calmed. As much as she wanted to forgive him, there was one other major hurdle they had to overcome.
"Why her, Jax?"
She looked up and saw him close his eyes briefly. She saw how he was formulating the right words in his head before speaking.
"She was just an easy way out. Ima was just there and I was drunk and high and hurting so much. I had lost Abel and I had pushed you away. It was like before you two came into my life-I felt like I had nothing so I buried the pain. I used booze, weed, and pussy to drown out my sorrow."
"And what else Jax?" she needed to hear the words coming out of his mouth.
His eyes looked down.
"I swear to God, Jackson, I will walk out of this locker and never have any contact with you again. What else?"
"Please don't make me say it, babe," he pleaded.
Tara stood and left him on the floor.
"Wait," he stood quickly and grabbed her hand.
"Say it," she demanded.
He knew getting Tara to forgive him would be difficult. Not only did he know it, he was expecting it. What he didn't expect was this... Everything depended on this one confession.
"I knew she got under your skin. I also knew that you would come looking for me."
He felt Tara recoil but he held to her hand tighter.
"Let me ask you something, Jackson. What is one thing you hate about your mother?"
His eyebrows rose in surprise. "What do you mean?"
"The question is fairly simple. What is the one thing you hate about Gemma?"
Jax furrowed his brows in concentration. Since he was a kid, Gemma always tried to dictate the way he should live his life. As angering and frustrating as that was, he knew she did it cause she wanted him to inherit the gavel one day. But whenever he decided to do things his way, Gemma always manipulated the situation so to get the results that she wanted.
She saw the realization dawn on him.
"When you decided to sleep with Ima, you became as manipulative and as conniving as your mother, Jackson. I guess that apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
He hung his head low. "Yea, you are right, Tara."
Her blood started boiling. "If it were me with another man, how would that made you feel?" She noted the flash of anger in his eyes.
This pissed her off even more. "Imagine, I ran to the nearest doctor or male nurse and fucked him. How would that make you feel, knowing that someone else made me scream his name in passion? Maybe I should do just that to see how well you would take that."
"You wouldn't dare..." he whispered menacingly.
"Why not? Cause I am your 'Old Lady'? Well, guess what Jax, you are my man. And from now on, whenever one of those sluts get near you, remember that I will leave you if you cheat on me again. Am I making myself clear?"
"Yes, ma'am." He had a hint of a smile on his lips.
She was taking him back. With conditions but she was taking him back.
"Now put on the rest of your clothes. We got a sonogram to get to."
He quickly put on his clothes. He had less than 24 hours with his family and he was going to make them count.
When he finished getting dressed, Tara extended her hand. "Are you ready?"
He gave her a peek before answering. "With you, always..."