CHAPTER 7

Last night, after Zoe had left, had been rough for Iris. Alone with only her thoughts as companions, made sleeping almost impossible. She was full of guilt over being angry at John and to find out that he was…gone. Dead. God it was hard to even think that! Knowing that there was no future with John was devastating. Even when he'd broken up with her, she'd felt she would at least have still seen him at work. But now…..she'd barely kissed him good-bye. But work had always been her solace, being able to get her mind off of her loss by helping others deal with theirs. She found herself actually looking forward to work.

Walking back into the precinct after being off a few days, Iris was surprised at the energy that pulsed through the main room. Talking was loud and excited. Groups of people stood around in deep conversation. More were sitting at their desks, intent on what was on their screens. There was tension in the air but it was balanced by their eagerness to find out what happened. The captain saw her walking toward her office and headed in her direction. Following her into her office, she shut the door behind her.

"Sorry you had to cut short your time off," the captain began. "But this missile in the middle of NYC is a big deal!"

"That's quite alright, Captain. I want to be where I'm needed." Iris replied. Sitting down in her chair, she put her elbows on the desktop and folder her hands, and looked up at the captain.

"How many people did we lose to the explosion?" Iris was concerned about the effect on people more than where missile came from or who launched it.

"So far we only know of one possible fatality and one injury."

Raising her clasped hands to her mouth she gnawed on her knuckle to help her keep control. "That's very sad about the one death but very good for how bad it could have been." said Iris. Searching for the right amount of professional concern she asked, "Have the families been notified?"

"Detective Lionel Fusco was injured and he's in the hospital. He's been in touch with his family. The one known fatality is Detective John Riley. Can't seem to find anybody to contact about him. His file lists no next of kin." explained the captain. "Feels strange not to have anyone to notify about a death."

The captain knew about their therapy sessions, since she was the one that ordered it, Iris was careful just how much she shared. "I agree. But that may have been why Detective Riley chose a career in law enforcement. He may have felt the need to "create" his own family to take care of. And that there would be no one to deliver such painful news about his death." Fighting to hide the break in her voice, Iris concluded, "If there is no one in need of my services here at the moment, I think I"ll go by the hospital and see Detective Fusco."

"Sounds good. Let me know how Lionel is doing. Tell him I'll be by to see him this afternoon." said the captain walking out, shutting the door behind her.

Iris dropped her head to her hands, releasing the breath she'd been holding. This was going to be much harder than she thought. As she'd found with Zoe, shared grief was a huge help to coming to terms with the loss of John. But fighting to NOT share such obvious grief was unbelievably hard to do.

Lionel was on the phone talking to his son when Iris tapped on his hospital door. "Come on in." came his booming voice from inside. "Hey son, I gotta go. Finally got some company in this darn place." There was a pause as he listened to his son's answer. "Love you too Lee, love you too. I'll call ya later."

Hanging up the phone, Lionel looked toward the door and was startled to see Dr Campbell. For a moment he was speechless. She was the last person he expected to see. Then he remembered that she was the shrink for the whole precinct and she was probably here to see how he was handling the explosion and his injuries. Then it really hit him. She was probably here as a grief counselor to help him with the loss of his partner.

The pain from that thought caught him off guard. He thought he was handling it pretty good til something brought everything back into focus. Maybe he did need her services.

"Hey Doc, come on in." he said with a tentative smile. "Have a seat"

"How are you doing, Detective? I know you've been in touch with your son and your ex-wife. Have they been here to see you yet?"

"Yeah, talked to my son as soon as I got here. I knew he'd hear about the explosion so I made sure he knew I was ok. Or as ok as I could be with a stab wound. I talked to my EX once on the phone. I was suppose to get Lee this weekend but don't think that's gonna happen."

Suddenly Lionel sat up, he remembered that there was 'something' between John and the doc. The unexpected movement had caused him to groan out loud. Iris sat forward in her chair, reaching for his hand in concern over the obvious pain she saw in his face. "Detective, are you alright? Should I get the doctor?"

"Nah, I'm fine. Just need to take things a little slower." he answered, holding onto his side. Then he really looking at her closely for the first time. She seemed paler than she usually was. There were shadows under her eyes he didn't remember seeing before. And most of all the secret pain he could see in her eyes, the pain that she was trying to hide.

Looking toward the closed door, Lionel reached out and grasped the hand she had offered. "How are you doin' doc? You ok?" he asked quietly.

Lionel's question shook her. That was not a question she thought anybody at the precinct would ask her. She looked at Lionel in alarm.

Skirting around the subject of John was making them both feel ill at ease. He was literally like the elephant in the room that neither was willing, or able to bring up. And yet he was the source of the pain they were both feeling.

"I am fine, thank you detective. Any time you lose someone, no matter what the relationship, it is painful. You've lost your partner, someone you lived with day in and day out. I know this has been rough on you. If you need to talk about it, or anything at all, please know you can call on me. That is what I am here for." She carefully closing the door to any other discussion about herself personally.

"Sure Doc. I know. I've talked to shrinks...um..sorry, head doctors, before. I'll let you know. Thanks for stopping by."

"I'll check back with you this afternoon if that's ok, detective. The captain said to tell you she'll be by later." Iris said has she stood up to leave.

As Iris opened the door, she almost ran into Zoe who had her hand raised to tap on the door. "Zoe!" gasped Iris, surprised and thankful to see her new friend.

"Hello Iris. Good to see you. How's Lionel doing?" Zoe answered as she backed away from the door, letting Iris walk into the hall. Letting the door close, she followed Iris down the hall. She had the distinct impression that Iris was trying to get away from something.

Almost falling into the closest chair in the sitting area, Iris tried to compose herself. She knew Fusco from the department. She knew he was John's partner. Having him acknowledge that she too had suffered a loss was unexpected. But then again it should not have been unexpected because John WAS his partner and there is no closer relationship than between partners in a police department.

She became aware of Zoe taking a seat across from her. Looking up, she welcomed the feeling of friendship and empathy that Zoe displayed with her smile. Being the 'shrink' meant people came to you with their problems but shrinks seldom had someone to go to for their problems. Zoe had become that person for her thanks to that one moment in her apartment.

Before she could actually say anything to Zoe, another woman's voice called out "Zoe! Damn I'm glad to see you!"

Zoe stood up to greet the petite woman coming toward them. The unexpected hug surprised Zoe, since Shaw was not normally a demonstrative person but then again, these were not normal times.

Seeing the dark hair, Iris felt sure she was seeing Sameen Shaw for the first time. John had told her quite a bit about her. She was very curious to meet the woman that John admired so much and yet had aggravated him so much at the same time.

"Sameen, I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Iris Campbell." Zoe did the introduction, watching the two women who meant so much to John.

Shaw was her usual distant self at first. By nature she was not a friendly type, always taking her time to decide if someone was worthy of her interest. Seeing the woman that John had finally let his guard down with intrigued her. She was curious to see just what attracted Iris to John.

The three women sat down together in the waiting area. There were no other visitors in the waiting area so they felt free to talk. Sameen filled them in on the medical aspects of Harold and Lionel. Both were physically out of the woods. Their wounds had been treated and each would make a full recovery. Sameen paused and looked at Iris, anxious to get her take on their mental states. She knew she most definitely was not qualified to talk about that.

Iris explained that she'd spoken to Lionel and with just one visit, all she could tell was that he seemed ok but she would know more when she saw him again. She told them she had not even met Harold yet, much less made any kind of assessment.

"Zoe told me about John and Harold's working relationship." Iris said, still fighting for control when she said John's name. "But I really need to know more about the man so I will be able to help him if I think that's what's needed."

Shaw caught the emotion in Iris's voice, even though she had done a masterful job of hiding it. Her eyes took in the red hair pulled back, very little make-up, the casual, tailored clothes that seemed both comfortable and functional, more than stylish. Hearing her voice, it was soft and soothing to the ear. Sameen was caught up in the air of calm, of serenity that flowed from the woman. And then she knew what it was that had attracted John. In their chosen line of work, their livelihood, they lived on the edge, never knowing from one minute to the next what would happen but with Iris it was like the world had slowed down, there was a feeling of peace. Shaking her head, Shaw was surprised at her own thoughts but even more surprised to realize she liked her. She liked Iris. She knew she had made the right decision to enlist her help with Harold…..because Harold was in a very dark place.

Comfortable with her decision, Shaw began to paint a picture of the world that she and John and Harold lived in.

Walking into Harold's room, Iris was not prepared for the shrunken man in the hospital bed. His face was turned toward the window, he didn't even acknowledge her coming into his room. She had read his chart and knew that physically, he was out of danger and should make a full recovery. But seeing the psychological state that Harold was in, she knew he was feeling the guilt of the damned.

Using the information that Shaw had provided about Harold, his past and his relationship with John, Iris began to try and reach the very sad and obviously heartbroken man. She introduced herself and was surprised at his reaction to her name. He had turned to look at her and was shocked at the intensity of the pain in his eyes. She barely heard him muttering "no no no no no" as he turned his back on her again and seemed to shrink down even further into the bed.

Harold's mind was a lonely dark place. All he could see, over and over, was the faces of those who were gone because of him. Because of what he had created. Everything and everyone he touched was destroyed. And now the woman that John had finally allowed himself to become involved with, to try and have that normal life they both wanted so badly, she was now in his room! Hating himself even more for ANOTHER life he had destroyed…..he burrowed even deeper into the darkness that seethed in his mind.

He didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone. He didn't want to eat or drink. In all honesty, he wanted to just slip silently away to join all those others he'd wronged with his poor choices. He just could not live with the grief he felt.

Then Iris came. Oh he knew who she was, knew what she meant to John, and he knew that John had broken things off with her probably because he knew he wouldn't be "coming home". More guilt.

What right did he have thinking he could create something to make a better world? Who was he to think he knew better than everyone else? Nathan was gone, Nathan who had been a friend for so long, who wanted to do the right thing and tell the world. But no, he'd resisted, called him a dreamer and a second rate programmer. He could still see the smile on Nathan's face when he saw him on the ferry….right before it blew up. He could still see Grace's face smiling at him and at the same time, crying because she thought he was dead. And Root, these last couple of years she'd tried to get him to unleash the Machine. But all that had done was turn her into a target, again because of her relationship with him, with his Machine. And John, a man who'd saved him without even realizing it Gone, blown into a million pieces just to save Harold, a man didn't truly deserve to live after all the pain he'd caused to those he loved. That was the most painful of all.

Finch's response to her presence surprised Iris. He was resistant to her attempts to connect with him. He refused to acknowledge her questions. His only response was to close his eyes and ignore her even more.

Shaw had told her that Harold was aware of her relationship with John, and that he approved of it. That meant he knew exactly who she was and that she would be experiencing grief also. Then it clicked, she realized that he probably felt responsible for her loss and for her grief also. Zoe had told her that Harold was a very private man but seemed to feel deeply for those he was close to. That gave her the leverage she needed to reach Harold in the depths of his despair.

Iris walked around the bed and sat down in the chair by the window. Finch's face was a picture of abject despair. His eyes were closed, there were tears slowing rolling down his cheeks and his mouth moved with little or no sound coming forth. The frown on his face showed such misery that she ached to brush her hand across his forehand, to try and ease his pain. But that was not the way to start her struggle to save Harold Finch from himself.

She began talking in a low voice, introducing herself. She talked about her job and why she was here, talked about the explosion, talked about his injuries, talked about his prognosis, talked about speaking to Lionel. She got no response from anything she said. She hadn't really expected one. She was just laying the groundwork and getting him use to her voice.

Understanding who this man was in front of her, knowing now what an influence and impact he had on so many lives, especially John's, had given her the very tools she needed. As painful as it was going to be, she had to talk about John's death. Once again, even thinking the words brought tears to her eyes and a physical pain in her chest. Pushing down that strong emotional response she took a deep breath and said "We really need to talk about John."

Keeping herself in check, she watched quietly for a response from Harold. At first she was concerned because there was absolutely no response. Maybe he was deeper into the dark place than she thought. But suddenly his eyes opened as he searched for her face.

Making eye contact with her he whispered, "I'm so sorry. I am so very, very sorry for the pain I've caused you." Closing his eyes he continued, "I am not worthy of your forgiveness."

Iris didn't even acknowledge his last words but continued her one sided conversation. If she ignored his words, it would mean that she didn't agree with Harold. That she didn't believe he was unforgivable. So she continued her one way conversation, talking about John, being careful to keep the things she spoke of in the present tense. Describing his gentle but wicked sense of humor, the seldom seen smile that was so worth waiting for...she mixed in some of the details that Sameen had shared, to keep things current. She found that the longer she talked about John the easier it got.

Harold finally made eye contact with her. But the deep pain she saw there almost broke her tightly held control. She continued her monologue while looking out the window, and glancing back at Harold every so often. She was encouraged that he didn't look away.

From the little bit that she was able draw out of him, she deduced that he felt totally responsible for the deaths of so many people. He believed his ego was their downfall. His belief that he was right and they were wrong caused him to ignore what they were saying…..and that his hubris and pride were what killed them. At least that was what she thought she heard in his words. He muttered and mumbled the little he actually answered her. But he needed different surroundings than the four walls of this hospital room, a different view than the neighboring roof top out of his window.

Patting Harold on the hand, Iris promised to check back on him, saying that he still needed his rest. She barely caught his slight nod, his eyes slowly drooping closed. Standing up she walked toward the door. Looking back at him in the bed, her heart went out to him. He seemed so lost…..so alone. He was feeling John's death deeply. He was taking full responsibility for it…right or wrong. He was taking responsibility for everything and everyone. What he didn't see was that he'd mattered to so many people; that he'd immeasurably changed so many people's fates for the better. She saw it now, what John had seen...This was a man who deserved to be saved, a man who the world could ill afford to lose. But there was much work to be done to help Harold Finch survive.