AN: WOW! Forty chapters. This one being something close to 9,000 words. That is straight up bananas. Can I just admit how exhausted I am? This was an UNDERTAKING. This chapter, this story, it's been a lot of work. I loved doing it, though. This might be the most fun I've had writing fic for ANY show. I can't believe I started this in June and am just finishing it now. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S FORTY CHAPTERS.
Honestly, though, I can't believe people are still reading it. THANK YOU. Seriously, that's pretty damn awesome. PLEASE let me know your thoughts on the epilogue. I'm kind of nervous for your reactions, but really excited. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
When Andy walked into the dark, crowded bar, she couldn't see a single one of her friends. There were people filling every available space between the walls and it took every ounce of her strength to walk to the bar to order her drink. New Year's Eve was crazy no matter where you were, but in downtown Toronto, you were lucky to get a foot in any door. Her plan had been to stay at home watching movies on her couch.
It was the first year, after all, that it was her couch. No more living with roommates, no more living with her dad. She was on her own, working as much as she could while attending grad school. All of her friends were paired off across the city, so it wasn't surprising she ended up alone. Chris and Gail were back together for the fifteenth time and living together a few blocks from Andy. Traci and Jerry were living together. Dov and Chloe had a nice, little studio downtown. She didn't see them much, but Oliver and Celery had a cute house—white picket fence and all.
And Sam? She didn't know much about him. She never saw him. People knew enough not to bring him up in conversation. All Andy knew was that he and Boo were living in Toronto. He'd been a cop for almost a year, at the same division as her dad. And that he broke up with her right before he moved to the city, the summer before her senior year of college.
Her apartment with Gail, Chris, and Dov was small, but it was perfect. She loved having her own place. Even if it wasn't technically her own. Ideally, she would have been living with Sam and Boo in his apartment, but he finished grad school the same time she finished her junior year. He finally decided he was starting the Academy and he was going to do it in Toronto. It didn't make sense to move in with him if she'd just have to move out a few weeks later.
Andy thought they would be okay. She'd graduate in a year and move back to Toronto. It was her home, after all. She never wanted to go to grad school at the same school as her undergrad. Her plan was always to get her Masters in the city. She and Sam had made it two summers apart—only seeing each other once every few weeks—they could handle one year of school. It would be hard, but it would be fine.
She felt that way up until the night before he left. His truck and the moving truck were both packed up. He and Boo were planning on staying with her for the night and Oliver was going to help them move the next day. Then, Sam showed up to her apartment. Alone with no bag holding clothes for the next day. Nothing. Just a blank face.
Thankfully, her friends were all out at work or at dinner. She knew, without a doubt, that her next conversation with Sam was not going to go well. "What's wrong?" She asked as soon as they were in her bedroom.
"We need to talk," he sighed, tucking one of his feet underneath the opposite knee. She couldn't help but notice that he hadn't even bothered to take off his shoes.
"About what, Sam?"
And he went on, uninterrupted, for almost five minutes. He told her that living apart for a year would be too much for them. He was going to be busy and stressed with the Academy. She was going to be busy and stressed with senior year. He wasn't sure it was worth it to put them both through so much pain if it would just end up crappy anyway.
"The timing's not right," he said finally. Andy actually laughed. He dragged his eyes up to hers with a slight scowl and she laughed again. "Maybe our timing has always been off."
"We've been together for almost three years, Sam," she reminded him and he nodded. "We've made it this far and you don't think we'll make it any farther?"
"I don't want to want us to end up hating each other, Andy," he said and she deflated against her pillows. "I never want to hate you."
"Sam, we're in love, right?"
"Of course," he insisted. "But I don't think it's enough. Not right now. Not when so much is changing."
"So, what? We wait until I graduate and move back to Toronto?" She asked and he shook his head slowly—sadly.
"No, we move on," he said.
"Oh my god, you're serious," she realized and he nodded. "This is happening. We're done?"
"I'm sorry, but this makes the most sense to me," Sam said, moving to cup her knee and she nudged his hand away. "Andy…"
"You can go," she told him, sitting up taller. "You said it yourself. We're done. Please leave."
He saw her the second she walked through the door. For months, they'd been living in the same city, sharing the same friends, and made it without seeing each other. But there she was—beautiful as ever. Sam hated that she looked better now than when he broke up with her a year and a half before. He hated that he broke up with her and that he hadn't made an effort to make things right.
He also hated that he couldn't do it there either—at a New Year's Eve party with all of their friends and way too many strangers. That bar could not be the place where they spoke for the first time in a year and half. Sam wasn't sure where that place would or could be, but it wasn't there and it wasn't that night.
He could just barely see Oliver and Jerry on the opposite side of the bar as Andy. Her friends were scattered around them, too, and he could feel Gail's eyes shooting daggers at him every so often. His beer wasn't nearly strong enough for New Year's Eve with his ex-girlfriend. Sometimes, he still couldn't believe he'd broken up with her, that she was, in fact, his ex-girlfriend.
Sure, he thought it was the right decision. And he was right about how busy and stressful the Academy was going to be. He never would have had the time to see her, to hold her, to love her properly—the way she deserved. In the process of breaking up with her, though, he broke his own heart. Sure, now he had his dream job and he was working with his best friends, but it wasn't enough. And for so long he wouldn't admit why. Now, though, it was clear.
Andy wasn't there for his graduation from the Academy. She wasn't there when he got his tie cut after six months on the job. She wasn't there when he had a really bad day and needed someone to talk to. She wasn't there. And it was all his fault.
The night he did it, the night he broke up with her, she was right. They'd been together for almost three years—the longest he'd ever been with anyone—and they were in love. They had made it through two summers and three winter breaks. They probably could have made it if they really tried. Maybe they wouldn't see each other, but at least he'd have the freedom to call her up and talk to her. He'd have someone he loved to spend his birthday with. It was her fault he cared about birthdays, anyway.
Sam woke up like it was any other day. He showered and took Boo out for a walk like it was just another summer Saturday. When Andy called, he answered, because that's what he always did when his girlfriend called.
"I miss you," she said before he could even get a "hello" out.
"I miss you, too, McNally," he laughed.
"Happy birthday," she sang. He could hear the smile in her voice. He could practically see her excitement shining through his cell phone screen. "Did I mention I missed you?"
"Yes," he laughed again and so did she. He missed her laugh. He hadn't heard it in person since the day he dropped her off in Toronto. "And thank you."
"I'm so sorry I can't see you. I promised you and I got scheduled and apparently your birthday is some national holiday no one told me about because no one will take my shift," she rambled and he nodded along from his perch on his couch.
"Andy, it's fine," he insisted. And it was. Birthdays didn't mean anything to him. It was any other day.
"It's not. I suck."
"I promise you, you don't."
"Well, what are you doing without me?" She asked and he told her all about his plans with Jerry and Oliver—driving range, lunch, movie, bonfire. It was sort of tradition at this point, even if they did spend his last birthday apart.
"Have fun," she told him and he nodded even though he couldn't see her. "I have to go to work now. Happy birthday. I love you and I swear I'll see you soon."
"I love you."
When they hung up, Sam left Boo sleeping on the couch and left to spend the day with his friends. They never made his birthday a big deal, but he knew they would if he let them. So, he was more than happy to spend the day making them happy. The sheer act of Sam being happy and having fun was more than enough for Oliver and Jerry.
Golf wasn't his game. It wasn't theirs either. The movie was good, but nothing to write home about. By the time he picked up Boo and got to Jerry's, he forgot the actual plot. He was really looking forward to the barbeque and the bonfire and his friends. That's what his birthday was about. No pressure, good food, and his favorite summer activity. If Andy couldn't be there with him, it was as close to perfect as it would get.
Instead of driving to Jerry's, he chose to walk and take advantage of the summer heat. Sam hated winter and loved summer. He lived for the heat of July. When he rounded the back of Jerry's house, the first thing he saw was the roaring fire and he smiled at the sight of it. Then, he noticed the number of chairs scattered around it and it was way more than three. When he turned to look at the porch, that's when his smile turned into a full-fledged grin—dimples, teeth, the real deal.
"Happy birthday!" Andy called, skipping down the small staircase into his open arms. "Are you surprised?" She whispered into his ear and he just held her tighter and leaned into her.
At one point, the amount of people watching them would have gave him pause. But he was just so happy to see Andy, to hold her and to smell her. He didn't care at all about who saw them. When she pulled away enough to get a look at his face, he couldn't wait a second longer to kiss her. That's when Oliver started applauding and the rest of their friends started singing Happy Birthday.
She'd gotten all of their friends to come together for his birthday. She surprised him even more with her own presence. At that moment, Sam wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his birthdays with her in his arms.
It took way too long for Andy to get the bartender's attention. She looked good. At least, she thought that before his usually flirtatious eyes skimmed right over her five times. "Andy, what are you in the mood for?" He asked, trying to sound casual, but she could hear the strain behind it.
"Scotch, please," she called and he nodded before pouring her a glass. "Thanks."
After she dropped her money on the bar, she had to push her way through the mass of people again to find her friends. As she was squeezing through the crowd, she felt a small hand circle her wrist. Turning her head quickly, she spotted Traci watching her with a serious look.
"Come to the bathroom with me," she said and Andy nodded. Traci dragged her in the opposite direction and once they were in the bathroom, she let go of her. There were other girls in there, waiting in line, but Traci pulled her into the corner where it was the quietest. "Sam's here."
Andy didn't blink, she just dropped her jaw and downed her entire glass of scotch—and coughed. "What?" She asked and Traci nodded. "I thought you said- I thought Jerry knew- What?"
"I don't know what happened," Traci said, shaking her head. "Everyone knows not to invite you both to the same parties and dinners and drinks, but something fell through the cracks. Someone invited him and I don't know when. I don't know who. But I know he's here. I know he saw you."
"I haven't seen or spoken to Sam Swarek in a year and a half," Andy said. She could feel tears at the corner of her eyes. "I'm surprised that it's been so long, since we have all the same friends, and I love you all for doing that. But I don't know how to see or talk to him anymore. He broke my heart."
"I know," Traci nodded, using her thumb to carefully wipe away a fallen tear. "He broke his own, too. This isn't going to be easy for either of you."
"He broke up with me, he doesn't get to be brokenhearted," Andy reminded her and she laughed.
"That's what I keep telling him," Traci promised and Andy finally smiled. "I'm glad you're both here, though. I've got to tell everyone something."
"What?" Andy asked, eyes wide with anticipation—the prospect of seeing her ex-boyfriend pushed aside for the moment.
"Everyone's here, so everyone will find out together," Traci laughed, gripping Andy's hand again. They walked back out of the crowded bathroom into the crowded bar. Traci was much better at navigating her way through the crowd than Andy had been, so she let her pull her to the back side of the bar where everyone she knew was. Including Sam.
The two of them just looked at each other for a minute or so. She didn't smile or wave and neither did he. They just locked eyes until even that was too much for her.
Andy had no idea what she was walking into. All she knew was that her first class of her first day of sophomore year had been changed without her knowledge. She only found out when the note on the door told students that section had been cancelled and everyone was re-enrolled in another section with a different professor. Andy had no idea who that professor was. Or who her TA would be.
When she walked into the new class, she was happily surprised to see Chris and Traci sitting in the second row. When she sat down next to them, though, it was the man behind the podium that shook her to her core. "Shit," she said and Traci tried to contain her giggle from the seat next to her.
Andy stared at Sam—who was staring back at her—with a slack jaw and wide, worried eyes. She had purposefully not taken any classes with Professor Boyko so she and Sam could avoid doing the whole TA-student thing again. They were able to hide it from the professor the first time around, but almost a year into their relationship later, it would be much more difficult to hide. And they just wanted an easy, stress free start to the new year.
They didn't look away from each other until Boyko walked into the room and surveyed the class, muttering something under his breath about lazy professors and ungrateful department heads. He wasn't happy to have Andy's old section mixed in with the one he'd been expecting all summer.
"Take roll, Sammy," he instructed and Sam nodded, looking down at the two lists of names in front of him.
"Andy McNally," he called eventually, looking right at her, and she raised her hand just enough for him and Boyko to see it. It took him a second to shake out of his trance and call the next name, but when he did Andy didn't look away. She had a feeling he was going to want to tell Boyko about their relationship. And she was afraid that might set her back when he insisted one of them had to drop the class.
There wasn't a hard and fast rule against TAs and students dating, but Boyko was old school. He liked things a certain way. He had high expectations. And Sam needed his job as his TA. It was the only thing he had to make money since school started and he had to quit the garage until the following summer.
After the class ended, Andy rushed to the front of the class to try and talk to Sam. He held a finger up to her, signaling he'd be just a minute, and she watched with bated breath as he strode to Boyko's desk to talk to him.
When he finally walked back toward her, he was smirking at her as he shrugged his eyebrows excitedly. She still wasn't excited. She wasn't sure she wanted Boyko to know about her and Sam, even if he was okay with it.
"Where you off to now?" Sam asked, nodding to the door. She walked out in front of him, but waited out of Boyko's eye line until he caught up to her.
"Did you tell him about us?" She asked, wringing her hands behind her back and he shook his head. "You didn't?"
"I wasn't planning on it," he said, hand falling to her hip and she grabbed his backpack strap to pull him with her into an empty classroom. When they were alone, they huddled in a dark corner and she finally let out a cleansing breath. "He just told me I was finally getting my last paycheck from the research I did for him this summer. I need that money."
"That's good!" She said and he nodded, brushing a piece of hair away from her face. "So, what? Are we going to hide from him all semester?"
"I don't think he's going to pick up on anything," Sam admitted. "He's far too preoccupied with himself. It'd be ideal if he didn't find out, but I don't think he will."
"Then why wasn't I going to take any of his classes?" Andy asked, laughing.
"Because it would be ideal?" He said again and she rolled her eyes. "And I have a hard time not noticing you," he said, his voice deep and quiet as he got closer to her. "You're very distracting."
Both of his hands were on her hips now, her shirt riding up as his thumbs brushed over her skin, and his lips were on her neck. They were still getting used to being near each other again—a summer apart with only three or four weekends together. They'd spent the whole night before locked in his bedroom.
"But it's okay?" She asked, her voice way too breathy for her liking. She couldn't help it, though. She missed him. "I'm okay in the class?"
"We managed once," he nodded before kissing his way up her neck and down her jaw. "We can do it again."
When Andy finally looked away, Sam still stared after her. Even as she went on to talk to Traci and Oliver, Sam stood, silently staring, next to Jerry and Chris. She looked the same, but she looked older, too. Her hair was lighter, but just a little bit. Her smile was just the same. When she laughed, it was still loud and purely her. He couldn't stand around and stare at her. That wasn't an option. He needed to get out of there.
So, he downed his beer, left the bottle on the closest table, and turned toward the coat check. He only stopped because a hand on his shoulder gripped too tightly and he was stuck in a crowd of people. He was able to turn his head just enough to see it was Jerry's hand on his shoulder and his grip only tightened when they locked eyes.
"You knew this was going to happen eventually, brother," Jerry reminded him. "You can't leave yet. I need to tell you something."
"So, tell me," Sam said, glaring at his hand until it dropped. When it finally landed at Jerry's side again, Sam turned the rest of his body toward his friend, only making the briefest of eye contact with Andy a few feet away.
"It's kind of a… Group thing," he explained poorly. "You're going to have to wait a couple of minutes."
"Brother," Sam sighed, his eyes pointedly looking at Andy and Jerry shrugged.
"I bet you regret that stupid ass decision you made a year and a half ago," he laughed and Sam just rolled his eyes. "Sammy, you're both grownups. This is what grownups do."
"How did you do it?" Sam asked and Jerry narrowed his eyes in confusion. "I broke up with her because of the Academy and the distance and the stress. You did all of that while dating Traci. How did you do it?"
"I… don't know," Jerry shrugged, looking over his shoulder at Traci. "Breaking up wasn't an option. I'll never understand how it was your only option."
"I live a good life," Sam said, ignoring Jerry's last comment. "I have a good job and, yeah, one of the most respected detectives in our division won't look at me or speak to me because I broke his daughter's heart, but I get along with, surprisingly, everyone else. I've got friends and my sister. I live a good life."
"Were you living a bad one when you were with her?" Jerry asked, knowing the answer.
"She was my entire life," he said simply and Jerry laughed, void of all humor.
"You miss her."
"Yeah," Sam admitted. "I do. And this? It's too much for me."
"Be a man, Sammy," Jerry said, shoving him in the shoulder. "Go and talk to her, even if it's just about the weather. Do something about it. And be here when I tell you my news."
Jerry loved fanfare. Sam had always known that. It was part of who Jerry was. He liked being the center of attention. He liked having the floor. It didn't even matter that it wasn't his own news he was sharing—he did it so eloquently.
He and Traci decided to have a Christmas party. They had all their friends come together the Saturday night after winter break started and made sure everyone dressed up and brought food. Sam was wearing a tie that Andy had handpicked for him. It was black and he appreciated that it was understated. She was in a short lace dress with long sleeves that fit her body like a glove.
They had a big fight the day before about something stupid and hadn't really spoken since they arrived to the party separately. She had taken a cab from her dad's to Jerry's new apartment downtown while Sam had driven in from his apartment at school. Andy had said one word to him since they first arrived. "Hi."
The day before, when she left for her dad's, he asked her to stay with him until Christmas. She said she couldn't—she had plans with her dad to go to New York City on Monday for the week. He got mad because she never told him her plans. She got mad because her dad had surprised her with them only an hour before. And they fought for the rest of her time there about how they needed to communicate better.
All he knew was that they were both exhausted from school and finals and another impending month apart. He didn't want to fight, but he didn't want to admit he overreacted, either.
When Jerry stood on his coffee table to give his speech and share the news he'd been holding onto like a kid with a lollipop, Sam just so happened to be standing next to Andy. He kept his eyes on her even as Jerry spoke. She finally looked up at him, smiling, and he smiled back. His hand landed on the small of her back and she rested against his side comfortably. Even if they were fighting more often than ever, they always ended up okay.
The fights were always small and petty. They were always easy for them both to get over quickly. But when they started, toward the beginning of her junior year, it worried him. They'd made it two years without fighting much. Now, it was every couple of weeks.
"Traci's studying abroad in Spain!" Jerry announced, capturing both Sam and Andy's attention. "She leaves the second week of January! Sangria's in the kitchen to celebrate!"
Then, he hopped off the coffee table, kissed his girlfriend, and they both raised their sangria in the air for a toast.
She could see him from the corner of her eye, still watching her. When he started toward her, all of her senses were on overdrive. She completely tuned out her friends and listened for his deep, slow breaths as he got closer. Her eyes found his again and they watched each other as the gap between them got smaller and smaller. She could practically feel the weight of his hand in hers—like a ghost of their dead relationship.
When he was finally in front of her—for the first time in over a year—her whole body reacted and she stepped closer without any hesitation or direction. Magnets.
"Hi," he breathed, nervous, and she was relieved she wasn't alone. Though, she probably could have gone all night without talking to him. It was too much. He was always too much to her.
"Hey," she said, nodding once. Her eyes fell from his, but focused on the sheen of sweat on her palms. "Did, uh- Did Jerry tell you what the big reveal is?" She asked. She just wanted to feel somewhat normal around him. Although, normal for them now was not seeing or speaking to each other. Normal was lonely.
"Nope."
Andy nodded again, her eyes moving to study Sam's hands instead of her own. They were the same as she remembered—big and strong and comforting. Her chest was rising and falling too quickly, her heart hammering against it, and she felt like she would fall apart at any second. A year and half had passed, but she wanted the same thing now as she did then. Him.
That's why being there with him was so difficult. He told her that they were breaking up so they could move on. She never moved on. At this point, she couldn't imagine loving anyone else. He was always there on the back of her mind. She never let him wander to the front of it until she was trying to sleep. That's when she got to have him all to herself—in her dreams.
In her dreams, things were exactly as they should be. They'd taken a break, but never stopped talking and saw each other whenever possible. She was graduated and back in the city—living with him and Boo. They were in love. They were happy. Their reality, though, was not happy. It was strained and awkward and, in that moment, it was silent. A year and a half had passed and they had nothing to say to each other. How was that possible? How had they once been so connected and so in love?
"How have you been, McNally?" He finally asked and she looked up at him with a furrowed brow. "What?" He asked, reaching for his face like there was something to wipe away.
Before she could answer him, a glass of scotch came over her shoulder and she looked behind her to see Oliver smiling sheepishly at her. She took the glass with a grateful smile and his newly empty hand squeezed her shoulder in support. As he walked past her, she noticed him hand another glass to Sam. Instead of looking at him, she watched Oliver walk away as she took a small sip of the drink he'd bought for her.
"My dad doesn't talk about me?" She asked finally and was surprised when he laughed. "What's so funny?"
"Your dad doesn't talk to me at all," he admitted. "Honestly, whenever I work a case with him, he only talks to whoever I'm partnered with that day. He has no interest in me."
"That's not true," she promised with a small laugh and it was his turn to furrow his brow in confusion. "He's always talking about you. He's proud of you. Says you're a great cop and you'll make a great detective one day. Don't tell him I told you that, though."
"I promise," he smiled and she felt herself smiling back at him.
It never surprised Andy when her father ended up being the only person willing to talk about Sam to her. She also wasn't surprised to find out that he refused to talk to Sam at all. He was unsubtle when it came to her and how she should either move on or call him. However, he was fiercely loyal to her and would not go easy on Sam for breaking her heart.
"Andy-" he started, nervous again, and she looked at him expectantly. Before he could get another word out, though, Jerry interrupted the crowd.
She and Sam turned so they were shoulder to shoulder, looking over at Jerry and Traci standing in the same position. The only difference was that their position wasn't forced by the crowd, but of their love and devotion for one another. Andy chanced a glance at Sam, remembering when that was what brought them close, secretly wishing it was the same thing doing it now.
"Okay," Jerry called over the noise of the crowded bar. The group had somehow managed to capture a corner to themselves, but it was still loud and Andy knew Jerry's voice would be strained after the announcement. "Midnight strikes in ten minutes, but before then, Trace and I have an announcement."
"Two announcements," Traci corrected loudly with a wide, glowing smile.
"Two," he smiled, squeezing her shoulders. "We're getting married! Soon."
"And I'm pregnant!" Traci finished and Andy nearly yelped in excitement. She turned toward Sam to see a matching smile on his face and she was surprised to find her hand squeezing his in the darkness. Quickly, she let go of it and wiped her palm on her dress.
Before either of them could say anything, she pushed through the people in front of her to get to her best friend. "Oh my god!" She screeched, pulling both Traci and Jerry into a tight hug. "I'm so happy for you!"
"Good, because I'm going to need you to do me a favor," Traci said with a hopeful, tight smile.
"Anything," Andy promised, smiling up at Jerry quickly. "Hit me!"
"Will you be my maid of honor?" Traci asked and Andy quickly wiped away the tear that slid down her cheek.
"Of course. Yes!"
"There's more," Traci warned, biting her lip.
"I'm going to ask Sam to be my best man," Jerry told her and she felt all the breath leave her body. Her friends were looking at her expectantly and she smiled as wide as she could. Sam or no Sam, she'd be there for whatever Traci needed.
"I don't care," she told them. "I'm yours, Trace. Whatever you need, whatever you want, I'm there."
Even though she'd only been living in an apartment off campus for less than a semester, it still felt strange to go back to the dorms. She had promised Traci that she would help pack when she got back from New York with her dad. So, she showed up with boxes and tape with a smile on her face. Andy didn't want Traci to leave, but she knew how great the experience would be.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you," Traci said as soon as she opened her door. "They waited so long to tell me I got accepted, that I only packed the very least I would need for break."
"We've got this," Andy promised, folding a box open. "I've got enough boxes to pack this whole place up."
"Thank you," she said again, letting out a sigh of relief. "Jerry tried to help last night, but we just got… distracted."
"Yeah," Andy laughed. "You two are really good at that."
Together, they worked to pack everything into the boxes Andy had brought. They packed up Traci's mom's car and fell back against the trunk, exhausted. "Jerry wants to treat us to some drinks at the Penny," Traci said, still breathing deeply. "You and Sam in?"
"I am," Andy nodded. She pulled the sleeves of her jacket over her hands to keep them warm as the snow began to fall. "I didn't tell Sam I was here. I'll give him a call."
Traci looked at her with questioning eyes as she dialed Sam's number from memory. She knew it sounded strange that she hadn't told Sam she was in town instead of back in Toronto, but she remembered how upset he was when she didn't tell him she was going to New York in the first place—even though she'd only just found out herself. She just didn't want to fight. She wanted to see him. She always wanted to see him.
"Guess what?" Sam asked before even greeting her. She could hear how excited he was and she wanted to know why.
"What?" She asked, turning away from Traci so they could have a little privacy.
"I'm doing it," he said and she asked him "what?" again with a laugh. "The Academy. I got my acceptance in the mail today."
"Oh," she said, walking away to get even more privacy. "Congratulations."
"Are you okay?" He asked, his excitement turning to concern. She smiled.
"Yeah," she insisted. "I'm just really happy for you. Come out and celebrate with me, Traci, and Jerry?"
"Sure." Andy could hear the confusion behind his words. "When will you get here? It's getting late."
"I'm here," she admitted. "With Traci. We just packed up her room. We're going to the Penny. I'd really love to see you."
"I'll see you in a little bit then," he promised and she smiled.
After they hung up and Andy slid her phone into her back pocket, she immediately felt terror wash over her. Sam was going to be a cop. In Toronto. She was going to be a senior. An hour and a half away. Before that, Traci was going to finish out her school year in Spain. Jerry and Oliver were joining the force in Toronto. Everything was changing.
"Like a punch in the gut, huh?"
Sam turned to see Oliver smiling at him, raising his eyebrows. "Yeah," he admitted. "Something like that."
"She looks good," Oliver mentioned, nodding at Andy.
"She does."
"You know, she starts her internship at HQ when her new semester starts up," Oliver said. Sam had no idea, but, then again, Tommy wouldn't tell him. He would tell Oliver, though. "We could probably manufacture a few excuses to find our way over there so you can get your girl back."
"Who says I wanted her back?" He scoffed. Oliver laughed loudly, causing a few people to look over at them.
"Please, Sammy. Don't insult me," he said and Sam rolled his eyes. "I can see it in your eyes every day. I can see it written all over your face right now. You've always wanted her, ever since she walked into your class late."
Sam didn't respond—he didn't want to lie to his best friend, but he also didn't want to admit he was right—he just turned around and finished off his drink. He only stopped because he walked into someone.
"Sorry," he said hastily, reaching out to steady them. He noticed, a little too late, that it was Andy. "Sorry," he said again, dropping his hand.
"It's okay," she said and she crossed her arms over her dress. "I was just coming to find you, actually."
"Really?" He asked and then rolled his eyes at how high his voice was. "Really?" He tried again and she laughed—quickly, but enough for him to catch it.
"Yes," she said seriously. "This is inevitable, right? Running into each other? It's a miracle we made it this long."
"I wasn't trying to avoid you," Sam said and she nodded.
"I wasn't either," she agreed. "Well, not really. But I probably would have run in the opposite direction if I did run into you," she smiled and he laughed.
"Fair enough," he said and she shrugged. When her arms fell to her side, Sam couldn't help but glance down at her body. He knew it so well, better than his own, and he had missed it. He still did. He missed her—body, laugh, smile, heart, love.
"I'm not saying we need to be friends," she went on, clenching her fist at her side. "I just don't want to pretend like nothing happened. We have a history, everyone knows it, and it's not going anywhere. And just because we don't have a future together, doesn't mean that our futures won't intersect."
"You said it," he nodded. "It's inevitable."
"So, we're… Good?" She asked. Her eyes were doing that thing that made his heart race and his palms sweat. They were boring into his soul, begging to let her in. He stopped denying her of that a long time ago. And Oliver was right. He wanted her back if she'd have him.
"No," he admitted, laughing. "I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I did this. I ruined everything. I always did and a year and a half ago, I made it impossible to take it back. To get you back."
"Sam," she sighed, shaking her head, backing away from him. He hadn't realized how close they were standing before that. "I can't- I have to go."
Sam broke up with her. He moved the next morning and Andy refused to get out of bed. She was so mad at herself for letting him leave, for insisting that he should leave. Obviously, she was hurt that he was ending things between them. Obviously, she wasn't okay with it. She honestly didn't think she ever would be. It was Sam. He was the only person she had ever loved. He was the only one who knew her better than she knew herself. They had a life together.
She was twenty-two years old and she was rendered immobile by just a few words. The man she loved left her alone and even after her roommates came home to find her crying, she still felt alone. She spent the night with her head in Gail's lap with Chris and Dov looking worried in front of them. Eventually, she strangled out a "thank you" and made her way to her bed.
She was sad, but she didn't want to be weak—not in front of her friends. She could be weak in her bed, so that's why she chose to stay in it for the remainder of the weekend. Each of her roommates, and Chloe, made it a point to check on her throughout the couple of days. She appreciated it immensely and she told them as much, but she still didn't get up. She couldn't do it.
On Monday, she finally made it farther than the kitchen and sat down on the couch next to Chris. He didn't say anything, just offered her half of his banana while they watched highlights from the Blue Jay's game the night before. No one said anything until Traci came bounding through their front door. She'd been back from Spain for a month, but was tied up with RA training as soon as she got home.
"Sam broke up with you?" She asked while Chris looked between them with wide, nervous eyes. He never did well with tears and Andy knew he was glad hers were gone. She flashed him apologetic eyes and he squeezed her shoulder before silently excusing himself.
"He did," she finally said to Traci who sighed and sat next to her, pulling her into her side. "I'm okay. It's okay."
"No, it's not," Traci insisted. "He's an ass."
"He's not," Andy said, standing up to pace. "He's Sam. He had his reasons."
"They were stupid reasons," Traci told her and Andy shrugged, turning quickly to pace in the opposite direction.
"I'll be okay," she promised. "I'll… I will be okay."
"Andy, stop," Traci said and she stopped short, turning once more to look down at her best friend. She was patting the seat next to her and Andy sunk into it, curling into her side.
"I'm not going to be okay," she cried quietly and Traci squeezed her shoulders.
"You will," Traci said. "It'll take time, but you're Andy McNally. You can do anything."
Andy rifled through the coats hanging on the wall—she didn't want to pay for the coat check out of principle—until she got her hands onto hers and she pulled it on while she shoved through the front door into the falling snow. Her apartment wasn't too far, she could just go there. Her dad's was farther, but she could honestly use the comfort of his arms—especially now that she knew how loyal he had been when it came to Sam.
She started to wave down a cab when she felt a hand on her arm. "Don't," she spat, knowing it was Sam before she even turned to look at him.
"Please hear me out, McNally," he pled and she squeezed her eyes shut, knowing it was best to ignore him and just walk home. He would follow her, though. When he wanted something and he felt strongly about it, not much could stop him.
"Sam, you broke my heart," she yelled, punching him once in the chest. "You broke up with me with no real reason and I've spent so much time making legitimate excuses up just to make me feel better about myself. The one person I've ever loved broke up with me and his reasons were bullshit. I haven't trusted a single guy since you walked out of my apartment that night."
"I'm sorry," he said, bending his knees to look her in the eye and she scowled at him. "I was never good at being with you. I always felt like you were going to come to your senses and walk out on me and-"
"And you did to me before I could do it to you," she finished and he nodded sadly. "So, what's changed? What makes you think that you can win me back and we'll work out this time?"
"I love you," he breathed and she choked on the breath leaving her body, falling back a step. She'd wanted to hear those words for so long, even though she never would have admitted that to anyone. "I do. I always have. I said we should move on and I didn't. I couldn't."
Andy felt the sting of tears on her face. They were warm when they fell to her cheek, but turned cold quickly. She wiped them away hastily and walked in the direction of her apartment, knowing full well he'd follow her—but only as far as the front door. He was determined, but he wasn't inappropriate. He wouldn't overstep. He never did, not once in all the time she knew him.
They walked the few blocks together, but not really. He remained at least two feet behind her the whole time and she kept looking over her shoulder. "Happy New Year," he said once he looked at his watch to see they missed the celebration.
"Shut up," she mumbled and he nodded before she turned to look out ahead of her again.
When they reached her building she turned to him and got close enough to touch him if she pleased. "Andy," he was pleading with her and she looked up at his face to realize how much older he seemed. In only a year and a half, he'd aged quite a bit. The job did that to people.
Andy skipped into the Penny to find Oliver and Jerry in on a visit. She could see the pride in their faces after just having been cut loose. They weren't rookies anymore and she was so proud of them. She practically jumped into Oliver's arms when she hugged him, swaying back and forth.
"Congratulations," she said, squeezing him one last time before stepping away from him. "I'm so happy for you."
"Thank you," he said and he couldn't keep the smile off his face. "How's senior year treating you?"
"It's… good," she said, hating the fact that she just lied to him. "It's hard," she admitted and he nodded in understanding. "How's…" She was going to ask how Sam was, but she didn't want it to get back to him. She wanted him to at least think she had moved on. "How is the job? You know, without the tie?"
"Good," he told her, his face falling. He considered her for a few seconds and she started to wither under his glare. He looked older, more put together than when she saw him last. But he looked like a man who loved his life. "He's not, just so know. He's pretending he is, but… No."
Andy nodded and Oliver gave her another hug. She wasn't glad to hear he was taking their breakup badly, but she was glad to know she wasn't alone. "Thanks and congratulations," she said, smiling at him one last time before turning to the bar for a beer.
She was still looking up at him and he slowly reached for her elbow. She twitched at the touch, even though she was wearing her winter jacket, but didn't push him away or even glare at him. "I'm sorry," he told her quietly.
She looked at his hand on her arm and then back at his face. He felt her tug on his jacket and he stepped closer to her. He was close enough to just lean down and kiss her, but he wouldn't do that. Whatever happened was up to her. He did the damage and he didn't want to do anymore. Not when they were so close to something.
"For breaking my heart?" She asked, leaning her shoulder blades against the glass door of her building.
"Yes," he said, his hand drifting down toward hers before moving back to her elbow. He heard the breath hitch in her throat and steady itself again. "And for not realizing what we had and what I was throwing away. I messed it up. I messed everything up, my whole life."
"Don't say that, Sam," she said, her other hand gripping the other side of his jacket. "Remember, my dad tells me everything," she smiled and he laughed. "Your life's not all bad. You've come a long way from who I met that first day of college."
"You have to know that was you, right?" He asked and she narrowed her eyes. "I've only made it this far because of you, Andy. And since I walked out of that apartment, I've lost sight of everything but my job. I don't want my life to just be a job."
"You made that choice, Sam," she sighed, letting go of him just so she could push him away a step. "You chose the job and you should have, but it didn't have to be one or the other. I would have done anything to be there for you through everything and you could never see that. You were so scared to open your eyes and see how much I loved you."
"I know," he nodded. He did know that. He'd known it all along. And he knew now that he could do better. He could open his eyes. He could see what was right in front of him. "I was. I'm not that person anymore."
"I'm not that person anymore, either," she said sadly and he felt like his chest was caving in, like he was losing everything all over again. "Because you did leave and you didn't give us a real chance."
"Will you give us a chance now?" He asked and she licked her lips, biting her bottom one as she looked up at the stars.
"What does that mean? I don't know what you want me to do or who you want me to be."
"I just want you," he told her, stepping toward her again. "I just want us back. I want to be that person I was at Jamie and Maggie's wedding and I want you in any form standing next to me."
Andy's bridesmaid dress was long and fitted her every curve. Sam couldn't keep his eyes off of her as she stood up at the altar, a few people between her and Maggie. She kept looking out at him sitting next to her father, raising her eyebrows or winking. Every so often, Sam would actually look at the couple getting married, but more often than not, his eyes gravitated to Andy.
The wedding was small, but Ronnie was making it out to be the biggest wedding of the year. His little girl was going to have everything she wanted and he was going to do everything to make her happy. Looking over at Tommy watching Andy, Sam knew he'd do the same for his daughter.
The reception was where the real fun started. Andy dragged him out to dance despite his reservations. Once the music slowed, though, and she melted against him, he was happy to just be there with her.
Her cheek rested against his shoulder and her hand danced up and down his dress shirt—his suit jacket long gone, somewhere with her heels. His hands were on her back, holding her close, and he could feel each and every one of her breaths against his own.
"This is kind of perfect," he told her and she nodded against him before looking up at him. "You know? Low key, all the important people, fun. This is the way you do it."
"Oh, is it?" She asked, twining both of her arms around his neck tightly. "Is this how yours is going to be?"
"I don't know," he laughed. "You tell me, McNally."
Andy remembered Maggie's wedding like it was yesterday and not two years ago. She remembered the thoughts running through her head when Sam alluded to their wedding. Then, she remembered remembering that right after he broke up with her. She remembered her dreams falling apart with every step he took away from her. But there he was, saying all the right things, making her feel like she was nineteen again. And all she wanted was for her old dreams to come true.
"I've always been standing next to you, Sam," she told him and he smiled. "Even when you weren't next to me. If I say yes, can you promise me that you'll be there and that you won't turn your back on us?"
"Yes," he breathed. "I'm yours, Andy. I have been ever since you interrupted my roll call. I don't want to live a life without you in it anymore. I don't want to be sad anymore."
"Neither do I," she said, reaching for his face.
Their New Year's kiss was a little late, but it was everything. It was deep and passionate. It was warm and loving. It was Sam. It was always supposed Sam.
"Is this really happening?" She asked once the finally detached, touching her fingers to her lips. "I swear this is a dream I've had," she laughed.
"This is real life, McNally," he promised. "As long as you want it to be."
"I do," she promised, looking over her shoulder into the building. She kind of forgot they were standing outside in the snow on New Year's Eve. Well, New Year's Day now. "You want to come up?" She asked, biting the inside of her lip.
"Yes," he said without a second of hesitation. "Yes," he said again and she smiled, standing on her toes to press another kiss to his lips.
His arms wound around her waist, lifting her just slightly so they were as close as could be. He held her there, kissing her, until she ran the tips of her fingers over his jaw and he set her back down to the ground.
"Wait," she said, putting her hand to his chest. "You need to tell me how Boo is first."
"What?" He asked, laughing, and she nodded. "He's great. At home, asleep, I'm sure. You can see him tomorrow."
"He won't remember me," she said sadly and he shook his head.
"I don't know, he's smarter than he looks," Sam promised and she nodded. "He missed you, too. I'm sure of it."
"I hope so," she told him, lacing her fingers through his. "Because I missed you both. A lot."