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Chapter Twelve: Rebecca ACTUALLY Takes A Shower
"Everyone...hang...on..." Ada grunts through clenched teeth, holding on for dear life to her grappling gun. The cord stretches taut, slowly retracting as Ada weakly holds the trigger. Leon clings like a little lost boy to the woman's legs, while Claire in turn clings to his legs and Steve-...well, Steve just sort of hangs there on Claire's ankle via the handcuffs that have magically appeared.
"I'm...slipping!" Claire cries, digging into Leon's sturdy pants.
"Ditch Steve!" the man yells frantically, turning his head to look down at Claire.
"I...can't, he's...handcuffed to me!" the young woman explains. Leon turns his head again, trying to get a better view.
"S-stop that!" Ada stutters between fluttery girlish laughs.
"Stop what?" Leon asks, turning his head up to look at her.
"THAT!" Ada cries, wriggling. "You're tickling my leg!"
The entire group begins to sway as Ada writhes.
"Oh, sorry!" Leon apologizes, tilting his head back down again. Ada lets out a quick cry before bursting into a flight of giggles once more.
Claire looks upward, her face an annoyed death glare.
((A brief look inside Claire's thoughts))
Amidst a bright, colorful haze, Ada lays across several silk pillows while laughing ecstatically. "Oh Leon," she moans, "that tickles..."
Leon is tickling her with a feather while she feeds him grapes. "Coochiecoochiecoo-"
((pop!))
Emitting an animalistic growl, Claire promptly bites Leon on the thigh.
"DAAH!" he cries, squeezing Ada's (honk!)
"AIEE!" Ada squeals, her finger tightening on the grappling gun's trigger. The whole group shoots upward as the cable retracts at an alarming speed. So fast, in fact, that the four survivors overshoot the cliff and go sailing above it, flung freely into the air... They land with bone-jarring impact, and all goes black...
(meanwhile)
"Keep on running!" Enrico orders gruffly.
"Yes boss!" Billy and Rebecca respond in unison. They huff and puff, running through the forests as fast as they can go. Well...as fast as they can go while dragging Enrico in a makeshift sled behind them. Both grasping a rope, pulling hard, they make their way to what they hope will be safety.
"I really wish that I hadn't stubbed my toe back there," Enrico laments, relaxing on the sheet of metal that they are using for a sled.
"It's alright," Billy reassures him. "I'm an ex-marine. I'm used to carrying around worthless sacks of sh-"
"-it looks like...something...up ahead!" Rebecca interrupts, her chest heaving with every breath. She looks like she's about ready to die.
Sure enough, through the trees up ahead, there appears to be a light shining through the night.
"Onward!" Enrico cries, munching on a chicken wing and then gesturing forward with it. Groaning in dismay, the two sled-draggers push on.
(MEANWHIIIIILE)
"You really think we'll be safe here, sir?" Chris asks, watching as Wesker paces around. The S.T.A.R.S. Alpha team has taken shelter in a...shelter sort of place...in the woods. It's rickety, spooky, and mysterious, but it has power and running water.
"Hell if I know," Wesker replies. He pauses and watches everyone stare at him in discomfort. "...I mean...pff...of course we'll be safe, like...totally." He shrugs it off and continues to pace. "Until we find some new wheels, we'll stay here."
Jill is sitting on a musty couch, folding her legs back and forth and fidgeting anxiously. Barry sits beside her, trying to copy her movements. The Birkin adults are speaking quietly to one another in a corner of the spacious room, while their daughter continues to torment Anthony.
"DAAAH I'm gonna go explore this place," Jill finally cries, throwing her arms up in the air. She pushes off of the couch and stomps off down a random hallway.
"Atta girl, Jilly!" Barry cheers. He then promptly falls asleep. Chris starts tinkering with some of the tools at a workbench on one of the walls, while Wesker just keeps pacing around and looking evil.
"C'mon," Sherry coaxes, sidling up to Anthony on another couch.
"WAIT!" the S.T.A.R.S. rookie exclaims suddenly, leaping off of the couch and running to the other side of the room. "I...hear something!"
"This better be good," Sherry grumbles, folding her arms across her chest as she eyes Anthony with a skeptical glare.
"...I hear it too," Chris adds, walking forward slowly.
Scccraaaape...scccrraaaape...sscccrraaaape...
Everyone draws their guns. Sherry pulls out a rubber band and cocks it on one finger. Anthony assumes a laughable kung-fu crane stance. William and Annette hide under the workbench.
Lightning flashes in the windows. Thunder rumbles ominously... Tree branches scrape and scratch at the sides of the building.
The door bursts open- "OOOOGABOOGABOOGA!" –some figure rushing in-
"KYAAAAH!" Sherry screams in fright, cringing as she lets the rubber band fly.
The projectile strikes the figure, who collapses to the floor in a heap. "Everyone stand back," Wesker growls bravely. He walks forward, holding his gun at the ready. The tension is high as our man in black nudges the body with his foot, rolling it over to reveal...
"MARVIN BRANAUGH!" everyone screams in unison.
"Jinkies!" Barry exclaims. Chris swats him on the back of the head.
Wesker narrows his eyes in thought. "Officer Branaugh has obviously been driven mad by the prospect of getting his hands on Resident Evil 5." He turns around, facing the others. "Everyone, you've got to FOCUS! You mustn't let this mission get to your heads! CONCENTRATE!"
...Prrrrt...
Chris swats Barry on the back of the head again. "Sorry!" the older man whispers harshly, wincing.
Suddenly, two more people burst through the door!
"KYAAAAAH!"
Billy Coen and Rebecca Chambers explode into the room, brandishing sticks and a broken bottle. For a moment, there is utter silence as the group takes them in.
"Rebecca!" Chris exclaims, putting his gun away and running over. "What are YOU doing here?"
The young medic drops her makeshift weapons and sighs with relief. "Thank goodness! Our bus crashed and most of us were taken out by monsters!" she explains.
"I'm Rebecca's lover, Billy Co-OOF!" Billy is silenced by an elbow jab to the stomach from Rebecca.
"That's Billy," she says blandly. "He escaped with me." Her face changes to a softly quizzical expression. "You guys...your bus crashed too?"
"Um...yeah," Anthony replies, staring dumbfounded at Rebecca. She turns to look at him, and a weird silence fills the air.
"Hunh," Rebecca grunts, suddenly becoming half comatose. "That sucks."
'Let's Get It On', by Marvin Gaye starts playing.
"My name's...Rebecca Chambers," Rebecca mumbles.
"I'm Anthony Mihovich," Anthony responds numbly.
Sherry looks back and forth between the two, her cheeks puffing with anger as a scream of fury begins to build in her throat.
Cue record scratch as Billy steps forward. "Um yeah, anyway...I heard a woman scream in here. Is everyone alright?"
"Wasn't me," Annette responds, peeking out from under the workbench.
"Nor I," William assures the group. "...Just for the record."
"Wasn't me this time," Sherry adds.
"And it wasn't Jill," Chris notes. "She went off exploring."
Wesker sighs and adjusts his glasses. "Well then who the hell was it?"
Barry stands up from the couch and begins to search around. "I think I'll stay and..look around more." Everyone groans in dismay at him, but they watch nevertheless in interest. Suddenly, Barry approaches a couch cushion. "The scream came from...HERE!" He yanks the cushion away-
"KYAAAAAH!" Brad Vickers is hiding underneath, and emits a girlish cry of terror as he is uncovered.
"BRAD!" the entire room screams.
"Get 'im outta there!" Wesker growls, hiking a thumb. The collective physical effort of Chris, Barry, Billy, and Anthony eventually 'coax' the squirming man out of the couch. Brad flops onto the musty floor with a yelp, kicking and flailing.
"TELL US WHERE YOU HID THE MONEY!" Chris screams, throttling the yellow-vested man.
"Or why you abandoned us," Wesker adds.
Brad sobs uncontrollably. "It's because I'm a cowardly little girl!"
"A brilliant deduction," William states.
Rebecca cocks an eyebrow. "Hey...aren't we forgetting something?"
"GUUUUUUUYS!" a voice cries from outside. Everyone turns to stare at the doorway as Enrico appears, holding an empty cardboard bucket. "Hey, we ran out of chicke-..." The mustached man trails off as he and Wesker lock eyes.
Tensions are high in the room, and the silence is deafening. Then, nonchalantly, Wesker snaps a rubber band at Enrico's head. "GAAH!" the Bravo team leader cries, clamping two hands over an eye as he stumbles backwards out the door. "I HATE YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS SUCK!" He disappears into the night...
"ENRICOOOOO!" Rebecca cries, falling to her knees. Two seconds later, everyone is pointing their guns at Wesker.
The Alpha leader stares comatosely at nothing in particular from behind his dark shades. "...I didn't do it."
(STILL MEANWHILE)
"Ungh..." Leon grunts mannishly, sitting up and rubbing his head. The last thing he remembered was reflexively grabbing Ada's...
"Ow my butt," Ada grumbles, pushing up off of the ground and wincing. Claire sits up beside her, looking dazed as well.
Leon surveys the situation. "Everyone ok?"
"Still in one piece," Claire affirms with a nod. A hand comes out of nowhere and gives her a huge bag of money.
Without a second thought, the three of them hop to their feet. "Ok good let's go," Leon says hurriedly, and turns on his heel to take a step. But no sooner does he set one foot forward, when an immensely annoying whine sounds from behind the group.
"HeeEEeEEeeeEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!"
Claire, Ada, and Leon all stop simultaneously, cringe, and then shudder. They turn halfway around while grinding their teeth to see a pair of handcuffs clinging to a rock on the edge of the cliff. The other end of the handcuffs has a pale hand stuck in it. A pale, wriggling hand. And over the edge...
"GuyyYYyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS!" Steve whines aloud, with enough annoying potency to kill an elephant on the spot. In fact, eight hundred miles away, in Africa, an elephant drops dead.
"Somebody...get Steve," Leon groans, waving a hand. No one moves. Suddenly...
"WE'LL SAVE STEVE!" a cluster of people shouts.
Ada gives them a skeptical look. "Who ARE you people? And where did you come from?"
A moment of silence passes. And then another.
"Ok, get Kamesen's ass out here!" Claire yells. Moments later, Kamesen himself (me) stumbles out onto the plateau.
"What, what, what is it Claire what WHAT," he blathers impatiently.
Claire opens her mouth, "Th-"
"What," Kamesen adds one more.
Claire just closes her mouth and glares at him, the wind ruffling her bangs a bit. Kamesen shuts his mouth and stares at her. "Kamesen, who wanted to save Steve?"
"...I can't remember," Kamesen admits. "Some people sent me e-mails too. And I'm an old man, see, and..and..."
Ada puts her hands on her hips. "And you haven't updated this STORY in FOREVER!" she yells, throwing a rock at his head.
"DAAAAHHH!" Kamesen cries, clutching his face. "AARGHHH...ssssssss...AAAAAHHHhhhh...sssssssssss...AAAAAAaaahhhHHHHHhhh...ssssssssssssssssss...AAAAAAaaaahhhh...sssssss...AAAAHHHhhhh..."
This goes on for about an hour.
Finally, Kamesen stands upright. "F(scratch)ck it, I'LL save him." He walks forward, moving through the small group of Steve fans and shaking their hands. "Pardon.. Hey, how's it goin'. 'Scuse me... Hi, how are ya. Watch it buddy! Commin' through. Hey. Hi there."
"He-he-heeeelp meeee," Steve whines, still hanging over the edge.
"Get your ass up here," Kamesen growls, yanking Steve up onto solid ground.
"I DIDN'T NEED YOUR HELP!" Steve squeals, slapping girlishly at Kamesen.
"GET OFF ME," Kamesen yells, throwing Steve into his crowd of adoring fans.
Leon, Claire, and Ada take his opportunity to run the hell away.
Note: Very sorry for the long wait between updates. My job is almost chaotic as my life. WHEEE, SPECIAL KOOLAID FOR EVERYONE! No, no, I love you all. Thank you for your patience and your comments! Especially the devoted Steve fans who responded. You've saved his life!
Next time, on 'Resident Evil: Super Quest'! A timely visit from t-
Chris: HEY.
Kamesen: WHAT.
Chris: ...You forgot to show Rebecca taking a shower again!
Kamesen: OH FOR THE LOVE OF- (stomps over to the shelter and walks through some halls, past a couple of people, through some more halls, and then busts into a bathroom and tears a shower curtain aside)
Barry: (wearing a pink shower cap) EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! (covers himself)
Kamesen: DAAAAAAAHHHHH (staggers away, clawing at his eyes)
(five minutes later)
Kamesen: (busts open another bathroom door)
Rebecca: (sitting in the bathtub, up to her neck in fluffy white bath suds, playfully honking a rubber ducky) Wheee!
Kamesen: THERE, CHRIS, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!
Chris: She's not taking a shower...
Kamesen: ...(stomps over, Rebecca watching him with an innocent wide-eyed expression as he grabs the shower head and sprays her with it)
Rebecca: Aaaah! (puts her arms over her head as water cascades down. The bubbles on her start to wash away, revealing-)
NEXT TIME, ON RESIDENT EVIL SUPER QUEST:
A timely visit from the merchant may save the group! Or not. Will they find a new ride? Or will the mysterious shelter be the death of them! What the hell happened to Nemmy and crew! What is Alexia doing! Is Carlos ok! I WILL DO MY BEST TO UPDATE FASTER SO THAT YOU ALL WON'T HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG AND YOU CAN READ THIS EXCITING NEW PLOT DEVELOPMENT!
Until then, be kind to one another. And if someone is mean to you, step on their throat until they stop moving!