Resident Evil © Capcom
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Chapter Thirteen: ...Jill Takes A Shower
"Ooh, I don't want anybody else oh no, oh no, oh no..." A singing feminine voice echoes down the dank corridors deep within the shelter. Water drips from some unseen source, and several rats scurry about in the dimness. As we pan further down the hall, the sound of running water becomes louder, as does the singing. The sudden squeak of a handle being turned accompanies the gradual decrease of water flow. However, the singing continues.
Suddenly, we cut to a spacious and brightly lit bathroom filled with steam. Jill Valentine slides across the tile floor, clad only in a white towel wrapped around her torso. "OOH I don't want anybody else! When I think about you, I touch myself!" She stands poised before a mirror, shaking her hips in rhythm with the song, bobbing her shoulders alternately up and down. Her hair whips about as she flings her head to the side, belting out lyrics.
But as she sings, an unseen figure creeps through the steam. Jill grabs a slick bar of soap tightly in her hands, squeezing her eyes shut tightly as she hits a high note. "OH NO NO NO-" the bar of soap squirts right out of her hands all of a sudden. Jill's note falters as she blinks in surprise, watching the bar of soap spin end over end. As if in slow motion, it falls towards the ground. Jill's breath catches in her throat, her blood freezing in her veins. The soap hits the floor with a dull, resounding boom. It bounces lightly, clattering to a stop by her feet.
Jill swallows hard, looking from left to right nervously as she wrings her hands. The tension is rising by the moment. Her heart slams in her chest, adrenalin racing through her veins as she bends over, reaching for the sudsy bar-
"Hey there, Stranger-"
"-AAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEHHHHHH!" BLAM!
(meanwhile...)
"GUNSHOTS!" Barry shouts, jumping up from the couch.
"There there, Barry," Chris coos, sitting the man back down gently and stroking his hair. "It was just a bad dream." Barry settles down, tucking his knees up against his chest and sucking his thumb.
"Actually, I think those really were gunshots," Annette chimes in.
"Nonsense, dear. What sort of tomfoolerous idiot would be ignorant enough to try and launch a piece of metal from another piece of metal using miniature explosions?" William scoffs. He and his wife go back to their calculations.
Around the room, the S.T.A.R.S. and co. are trying their best to keep occupied whilst thinking up ways to acquire a new set of wheels.
Wesker is pacing, as you may have guessed. In fact, he's worn a five-inch trench in the floor. It's getting deeper by the moment.
Brad is laying on his stomach and coloring in a coloring book while humming merrily.
Rebecca, Billy, Anthony, and Sherry are playing reverse pseudostrip bottlecaps in the middle of the floor. Billy is wearing Rebecca's sports bra and Sherry's schoolgirl skirt. Rebecca is wearing Anthony's t-shirt and boxers, and Sherry's socks. Anthony is wearing Billy's pants, no shirt, and Rebecca's panties on his head. Sherry is wearing Anthony's pants and Rebecca's shirt.
Billy concentrates hard, kneeling over a bottlecap as he poises another cap overtop of it.
Rebecca leans in, mumbling quietly. "Taking acid ride it ooout taking acid ride it ooout taking acid ride it ooout.."
"Dang it, quit trying to mess me up!" Billy grumbles. He snaps the bottlecap through the air. It flies across the room and hits Wesker, knocking him out cold.
"UN GOOOOOAAAAAL!" Sherry cries, throwing her arms up. "Gimme dem panties!" She scrambles for Anthony's head, reaching for Rebecca's underwear.
"MINE!" Anthony shouts protectively, grabbing the girl's wrists. Sherry growls, clenching and unclenching her fingers.
"Fine!" she snaps, defeated as she pulls her arms away and sits back down. "Well then at least put mine on your head too!" She starts struggling with the belt of Anthony's pants (which she's wearing, remember.)
"NOT ALLOWED!" Anthony screams, jumping up and running across the room. He barrels right into Jill, who bursts from the hallway clutching a towel around her. "OOF!"
The two collapse to the dingy wooden floor in a heap.
"MONSTERS!" Brad cries, diving behind the couch.
Chris stands up, hurrying over to them. "Are you guys ok?"
Suddenly, a shady figure steps forth from the shadows. "Howdy, Straaangers..."
Everyone turns around and gasps...
(elsewhere...)
"STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!" Morpheus and Marcus shout in unison. They sit atop Nemesis's back as the poor bioweapon swims for his (un)life from Neptune. The huge shark is gaining on them fast, gaining, gaining, GAINING-
((CHOMP!)) Del Lago, the giant salamander, swallows Neptune whole out of nowhere.
"HOORAH!" Marcus and Morpheus cry, throwing their hands up in victory. But their joy is short-lived as Del Lago belches and then sets its sights on the trio.
"DAAAH KEEP STROKING!" Morpheus screams, swatting Nemesis on the head.
"SSSsssstaaabrlrbrlrb..." Nemmy groans, paddling as fast as he can.
"I'm too beautiful to die!" Marcus sobs.
Morpheus just stares at him for a moment. "...Um, excuse me, but I'M too beautiful to die."
"Oh is that so!"
"...Sttaaarrrsbslsbslbs..."
(still elsewhere)
"...and then I cut him up into smaller blocks and made miso soup out of him."Hunk takes another drag from his cigarette as he walks.
"THAT'S a lot of TOFU!" Carlos screams, walking beside him. He jumps as a bullet ricochets off of the ground by his foot.
"Dang it!" a far-off voice echoes angrily.
Carlos squints out into the distant fields. "Who keeps shooting at us?"
"I dunno man," Hunk replies coolly, inhaling and then letting the smoke from his ciggy trail out from between his eyelids. "Probably Nicholai." Hunk smirks. "He's such a punk."
"Come along then, Mikahil," Carlos urges.
The somewhat chubby Russian waddles along faster, over-exaggerating his own chubbiness despite not really being fat. "I'm coming!" He lets out a few broken farts as he runs along.
Carlos and Hunk decide to walk a bit faster.
BLAM!—twanggg! "Dang it!"
(EVEN MORE ELSEWHERE)
"Alfred...I leave everything...to you," Alexia gasps weakly, reaching towards her brother as she slumps in her throne.
The 'male' Ashford leans in close, his eyes sparkling with anticipation. "Really?"
Alexia snorts with laughter and sits up straight. "Naah, I'm just messin' with ya. OK STATUS UPDATE."
Her sharp command echoes through the huge chamber. The only reply is the droning 'bonk' and 'bing' of Krauser's pinball machine. That, and the light, steady tone of Saddler's snoring.
Alexia's cheeks puff with anger as she lowers her chin, eyes blazing. Alfred ducks slowly, putting his hands over his ears. His sister gradually pulls in a large breath through her nostrils, chest swelling as her lungs fill with air.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Alexia screams, her eyes burning crimson red as she leans forward in her throne and shoots a raging stream of fire from her lips.
"AH SH- WHAT THE-" Saddler jumps in his throne on the west wall, cowering at the sight of flame burning the air. "HOLY CRAP!"
Finally, the huge fireblast vanishes with a vacuum-like 'whoosh!' Alexia smirks quietly, propping her head up with a hand as she folds one leg over the other. (SEXY)
Saddler is swatting a few flames on his dress- I mean robe in a panicked frenzy.
Krauser lazily crawls out from under his charred pinball machine and continues to play.
Alexia frowns, scowling (CUTE) "You all SUCK!" she snaps.
"YEAH YOU GUYS SUCK!" Alfred squeaks. Alexia slaps him for no reason.
Everyone groans in dismay as the whiny electric motor sounds from further down the halls. Sure enough, Salazar's silhouette can be seen weaving unsteadily down the corridor on his Hotwheels™ battery-operated toy car.
"I haeif an idea!" the little Spaniard demon announces. He runs the car straight into the large step at the bottom of the platform leading to Alexia's throne. Everyone cringes as the back end of the car hops into the air, Salazar shrieking in dismay as he is thrown forward in the seat. After a few moments of struggling and grunting, the world's smallest villain pushes his hat up off of his face and looks around, huffing and puffing and glaring.
Alexia gazes at him with tired exasperation, resting her cheek heavily on one hand. "Ok," she concedes, loosely waving her other hand in approval. "Tell us your idea."
Salazar just sits there for a moment, his huffing and puffing gradually getting quieter as he squints in deep thought, lowering his head. After a few moments, he gives one more huff and then looks up to Alexia with a pained expression of deep confusion. "...What's for deener?"
(two seconds later)
"AAAAAH! AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH!" Salazar zips around the corner in his Hotwheels™ car, driving as fast as he can to get away. Several huge bursts of flame come reeling after him, burning the air and singing the walls. The whine of his car's crappy electric motor quickly fades away, as well as his pathetic screaming.
Back in the main chamber, Alexia is sitting in her throne as she had been before, propping her tilted head on one fist with her legs elegantly folded one over the other. She has a smile on her face again, but it is a psychotic smile and her eyes are still glowing crimson.
Krauser has fallen asleep on his pinball machine.
Saddler is nervously wringing his hands. "Um, er...I'll deploy Mendez and that giant alligator right away...ma'am." He trails off and begins to sweat profusely as Alexia continues to stare at him with that unnerving psycho smile and glowing red eyes. "Um...yes..." Saddler coughs, clapping his hands twice.
From one of the halls, there is a very brief and loud glimpse of Mendez riding atop a giant stampeding, alligator. Its wild bellows fade away as it runs off, the castle walls shaking slightly. "...Um..." Saddler wrings his hands some more, noticing that Alexia's eerie expression hasn't changed at all. "A...also, I'll have...Krauser bring the two hostages out...as incentive for our enemies to surrender..." He forces a shaky smile, turning to look at the heavily muscled ex-special forces agent. "...Right...Krauser?"
Ping, blingabling, plong. Bloop. Krauser's eyes never leave the pinball machine as he lazily slaps at the controls. Saddler gives a nervous laugh towards Alexia before turning back to Krauser again. "Ahem...I said...RIGHT, KRAUSER? HAHA?"
"FIIIIIiiiiiiiiine fine fine FINE," Krauser whines, smacking the machine and spinning on his heel to stalk off into the darkness of the halls. Saddler cracks another 'please don't kill me' laugh as Alexia's 'I'm going to kill something' psychotic smile grows even wider.
A moment later, Krauser comes back in wearing a big orange lifejacket. "I'm out," he grunts. Two Ganado zombies follow behind him. One drags Ashley graham, the other Luis Sera.
"LEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOON! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"
Saddler winces, forcing a good-humored grin as he half-claws at his ears, nodding to Krauser.
"-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"
Luis is screaming something like 'Shut the hell up already!" as the Ganados drag them away, but it is drowned out by Ashley's scream. In fact, the scream doesn't even begin to end, even as Krauser and the Ganados exit with their hostages. It only fades into the distance...
"What a BITCH," Alfred sneers.
"Aha, yes, mm," Saddler mumbles, still anticipating that Alexia is about to rip his head off. "Erm, claw guy, why don't you go with them."
Immediately, a Garrador bounds out of one of the hallways, screeching exactly like a howler monkey and leaping off into the night through the exit doors. "OOH OOH AAAH AAAH AAAAAH!"
Saddler clasps a hand over his eyes, squeezing his temples. "And...anything else we have prepared at the moment."
A horde of spiders from all the games, more crows, all the mutated zoo animals from Outbreak, the lickers that look like shaved chimps from Gun Survivor, U3/"It", plants, albanoids, dogs, more dogs, a zebra, three leeches, some bats, moths, Lisa Trevor-
We interrupt this program for a random creature wedding.
(a Grave Digger and a Gulp Worm are on top of a grassy hill, dressed in a tux and dress, respectively.)
Priest: I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Zombies wearing tuxes in the audience: (moan and clap lethargically)
Ganado woman: (cries and dabs at her eyes with a handkerchief)
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Grave Digger: RAAAAAAAAAAH (bites Gulp Worm's head off)
Now back to the show, already in progress.
-more dogs, a bunch of those g-virus offspring things from RE2, Yawn, those weird monkeys from RE0, and some hunters all stampede through the main chamber, roaring and bellowing and howling.
Several moments later, a pudgy old zombie doberman waddles into the chamber, following the others. "...Wwwuf...wwuf...hh hhhh hhhhh...www-www-wwuff..." Everyone watches as the dog slowly makes its way to the exit.
"Attaboy, General," Alfred nods.
The exit doors finally close with a quiet, resounding boom. Silence fills the chamber.
Saddler releases a pent-up, shaky sigh as he rubs his forehead. "There, now THIS time, our enemies will be properly dealt with. They have NO chance of winning against these odds."
The horde of creatures that just ran through all pile onto a bus somehow, accompanied by a collective animal roar. One of the RE0 monkeys takes the wheel, hopping up and down excitedly and screeching as the crowded bus rocks and creaks. It manages to find the key in the ignition, gives it a twist, and-
The bus takes off immediately, tires squealing and engine blazing. It slams into a tree four feet away and explodes.
The General plods up to it a moment later, panting heavily. "Wwuf...www-wwuff wuff..."
Saddler is holding his face with one hand. Wide, horrified eyes peer out from inbetween his fingers as Alexia's tight, malevolent smile twitches just slightly, her eyes widening into a terrifying glare.
P-pprrrRRRRRRrrrrt...
Alfred blushes, sinking down low in his seat. Alexia's burning crimson eyes flash to him, the death-smile still plastered on her face...
(meanwhile, else...where...)
Bruce McGivern and Fong Ling now share the wagon with Lily, Lott, and Vincent. It has become quite crowded indeed.
Ark continues to pull the group, although he's now found a less physically-strenuous way to do it. Squatting precariously atop a remote-control car, our hero bravely clutches the controller in his hands. The tiny electric motor struggles to compensate for the rope tied to its rear bumper, a rope which is attached also to a little red wagon holding five people.
Fong has fallen asleep on Bruce's shoulder, and is snoring and drooling quite profusely. Bruce grimaces, trying to shake her off to no avail. Meanwhile, Vincent and Lott are getting into a heated argument.
"...Stop touching me," Vincent grunts, flinching away from the boy.
"You're touching ME," Lott insists, squirming.
"Stoppit!" Vincent hisses, shifting again.
"AAAAaaaark, Vincent's touching meeeee!" Lott whines.
Ark turns halfway around to glare back at them, his face a twisted mask of rage. "SHUT THE F(beep!)K UP!"
Note: So ends another chapter! According to the reviews, (thank you very much to all who read and reviewed!), I tried to pack in as much as I could. Hope you enjoyed! Please feel free to continue giving suggestions! I aim to please.
Next chapter: How will Leon deal with Krauser having kidnapped Ashley and Luis? Will it delay his and Ada's and Claire's and...Steve's...quest to purchase the newest Resident Evil game?
And what of The S.T.A.R.S. and friends? Will the merchant help them? Does he sell WHEELS?
Will Nicholai ever hit his targets?
Will Alexia kill everyone?
Will ARK kill everyone?
WILL NEMMY AND CREW ESCAPE DEL LAGO!
Find out, in the next exciting episode of...RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST!
(ps: I fixed the spacing typos. Thanks, sylphstarwind!)