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Chapter Fourteen: The Hottest Merchant Ever
Unfortunately, Steve catches up to the trio. Leon, Claire, and Ada walk ahead of him along the desert road, trying to drown out the whiny teen. "GuyyyYYYyyyys, slow DOOOooowwwWWWN!" Steve moans.
"This little light of mine," Leon begins.
Claire and Ada chime in wearily, "I'm gonna let it shine."
"Guuuuys..." Even Steve is starting to sound worn out.
Leon has his infamous RE4 jacket slung over one shoulder, revealing a plain white t-shirt underneath. Ada's black hoodie is tied around her waist, while she sports her traditional Chinese red dress beneath.
Claire squints at the two as they all walk along, suddenly feeling the urge to remove something as well in the 'heat' of the moment. Haha.
Without further hesitation, she grabs the waist of her pants and pulls hard, tearing them off in a flash. Everyone stops and gawks in amazement as her RE2 tight black spandex shorts and pink denim cutoff shorts are revealed.
"WHOOAA!" Steve screams, his eyes bugging out. "Is it just me, or did this desert just get a lot hotter?"
Leon claps slowly, trying to keep his tongue from lolling out of his mouth. "That's...that's some trick, Claire," he stutters.
Ada just walks past, sizing Claire up with a 'hmph' as she passes. The ponytailed Redfield shrugs and slings her ruined jeans over one shoulder as the group continues on.
(meanwhile)
"Mush! Mush! Mush!" Marcus commands.
"Sssstaaarsss..." Nemesis chimes in, standing proudly atop the head of Del Lago. The giant salamander obediently swims through the seas, carrying its three passengers.
"We should be hitting land soon!" Morpheus speculates. The group continues on in silence for a minute. Then, Morpheus squints in deep thought and opens his mouth to say something. "Um...correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't salamanders freshwater creatures?"
No sooner does he say this, when Del Lago begins sinking beneath the surface of the ocean as it utters a death rattle. Nemesis claps a hand over his eyes in dismay, while Marcus just glares hatefully at Morpheus as they too sink lower and lower, still drifting forward through the massive ocean.
"I hate you," Marcus states firmly, the last word cut off by a stream of bubbles as the trio is submerged.
(um...elsewhere...)
Robert Kendo comes in out of nowhere, entering the main room of the shelter where the S.T.A.R.S. and their compatriots are gathered. "Who are you?" he demands, menacingly aiming his crossbow at the merchant's face. "What are you doing here?"
Everyone stares intensely from Kendo to the merchant.
"...What are ya buyin'?" the merchant asks simply.
Kendo breathes a sigh of relief, lowering his weapon. "Whew...sorry about that, babe."
Sherry snorts with laughter, pointing at the merchant. "Heheh...he called you 'babe'."
"Actually Sherry," Barry starts, stroking his beard, "I think Mr. Kendo is right."
"What on earth are you babbling about?" Annette asks from under the workbench.
Barry smirks triumphantly, pointing a finger at the shady figure. "That merchant is a WOMAN."
Ten whole seconds of awkward silence pass.
Finally Jill stands up, re-adjusting her bath towel as she scowls in confusion. "Barry...what in the HELL are you SAYING?"
"Men's intuition," Chris adds. He nods to the merchant. "Go ahead, ask her what she's selling."
"No way man, he freaks me out!" Jill exclaims, hiding behind Chris. The group (minus Wesker and Brad, who are still unconscious) begins to argue amongst themselves.
"I'LL ask her!" Billy shouts. He looks around for the merchant, who is crouched by Wesker and poking the man repeatedly. "Uh, excuse me um...Miss uh...merchant...lady..."
"Oh get out of the way!" Rebecca shouts, pushing Billy aside. "There's no way he's a chick." She storms up to the merchant. "Hey! Merchant! Show us your wares!"
The merchant turns to look at Rebecca, then stands up and pulls open the long gray trenchcoat to reveal-...
(haha, cliffhangar! ok we'll come back to that in a bit. but meanwhile...)
"AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Alfred screams shrilly, running as fast as he can while jets of flame rush after him.
Alexia is hovering around the main chamber of the fortress, laughing evilly and blasting her brother with death from above.
Saddler is just cowering on his throne, with his knees pulled up to his chest and a 'last will and testament' being hastily written out on some notebook paper.
(oh dear. uuuh, MEANWHILE...)
"I'M the cute one!" Lott yells.
"I AM!" Lilly retorts.
"YOU'RE BOTH FUGLY LITTLE WRETCHES!" Vincent screams.
Ark lets go of the wagon and it rolls down a hill, accompanied by the terrified screams of the passengers before it slams into a wall and explodes...
Ark suddenly blinks, snapping out of his daydream. He glances back to see the wagon handle still in his hand, and the wagon full of sleeping people.
Ark sighs and keeps walking.
(elsewhere...)
"Carlos, how many more miles to Japan?" Hunk asks, squinting in the glare of the overhead sun.
Carlos stops twirling his pistolas for a moment and looks to Hunk. "One-thousand-three-hundred-and-twenty-seven," he announces without a blink.
"Crap," Hunk curses, glancing out at the forests in the distance as the two of them continue to walk along the narrow footpath. Oh yeah, and Mikhail's there too.
ZZzzzzIP-PWING!
"OOOW! " Mikhail bellows annoyingly, grabbing himself in various places with both hands.
"Oh shut up," Hunk mutters. "That didn't even touch you."
"Dang it!" echoes a voice from the distance.
(and meanwhile, in the desert...)
Leon stops walking. Ada bumps into him, Claire bumps into her and Steve sees it coming but he bumps into Claire anyway and starts groping her.
"Get OFFAME" Claire hisses, flailing her arms and slapping at him.
"Ow, OW!" Steve hisses back, shielding himself. They then focus on what exactly the holdup was.
Looking past Leon, they see a figure up ahead. Three, actually. A massively muscular man in camouflage pants and a red beret, a Spaniard with duct tape over his mouth, and a whiney blonde in a plaid skirt and an orange sweatervest.
"LEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—"
"AARGH!" the group collectively cries out in agony as Ashley's cry explodes throughout the desert, causing a miniature earthquake. They grab their ears in anguish, gritting their teeth and doubling over.
"—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" Finally she shuts up and pouts pathetically.
(ten million miles away, in space)
"—EEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"
The windows on an alien UFO crack and the whole ship implodes, killing everyone inside.
(back in the desert on earth)
"Ashley!" Leon cries, taking a few dramatic running steps forward before halting even more dramatically. "Grrr, KRAUSER!"
"Grrr, LEON!" Krauser mocks, sticking his tongue out. "Take one more step forward and you can say goodbye to your girlfriends!"
"MRMRMGRMRGMRGRMG!" Luis growls through the duct tape, flailing and kicking uselessly.
Krauser just smirks and chuckles, but is interrupted by a swift kick to the groin from Ashley. He grunts in pain and promptly drops the two hostages, falling to his knees and then onto his face. "You...bitch..." he squeaks.
"LEON!" Ashley cries, running over to him.
"ASHLEY!" Leon cries back, running to meet her.
Everything changes to slow motion as the scene fades between Leon and Ashley laughing and running while cheesy feelgood music plays in the background. The scene also fades to Claire and Ada who are just rolling their eyes and standing there with hands on hips, and to Krauser who is groaning in slow motion agony and rolling around on the ground while holding his groin.
Ashley bowls Leon over and starts slurping his face like an excited puppy. "AAAH! Ahahah!" Leon laughs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to push her away. "Ahah..ok...ok that's really kind of weird." He pushes her onto the ground and stands up abruptly, wiping his face off and looking around nervously. Ashley just sits there and stares up at him with big puppydog eyes, panting excitedly, tongue lolling out and all.
"Ashley, you're not a puppy," Leon says with a sigh.
"Awww but she's sooo cuuuute!" Steve coos, stepping around Leon to gaze at her.
"Steve, shut your damn mouth."
Steve shuts up and goes back to stand with Ada and Claire.
Meanwhile, Luis is doing the worm to try and make his way over to the group. (He's tied up, don't ya know.)
"C'mere, El Spanko," Ada grumbles, setting Luis free. She starts peeling the tape off of his mouth.
"No no, Senorita, leave the tape on!" Luis says hurriedly, stopping her. He smirks knowingly. "It makes me look muy sexy." As the others stare in awkward confusion at him, Luis replaces the tape and goes to lay down in the sand by Claire's feet, who regards him with an blank stare.
"LEON YOU BASTARD!" Krauser screams, his voice about as high as a chipmunk's. The group busts into laughter at him, as he clears his throat and starts again. "Leon, you bastard!" Krauser yells once more, his voice having normalized. "This isn't over yet! I propose a duel!"
"Deal!" Leon accepts immediately. "Steve, hold my jacket." He picks his jacket up off of the sand and throws it on top of Steve's head. Steve immediately starts screaming like a girl and running around, until Ada knocks him over and rips the jacket off of his head.
"Ok Krauser, let's do this!" Leon whips out his sweet-ass desert eagle and loads a clip. "Ladies, if you please."
Claire and Ada sigh in exasperation.
"Ladiiiies, if you PLEAAASE!" Leon demands. "Come on, I need this!"
Claire and Ada cup their hands over their mouths and start doing that theme to 'The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly'.
"Ai-yai-yaaaa...waaaa waaaa waaaaaaaaa-a-a-a-a..."
Ashley fashions a tumbleweed out of some twigs and tosses it towards the two men. It just sort of hits the ground and doesn't move.
"Choose your weapon," Leon challenges.
Krauser pulls a rocket launcher out of his pants and grins manaically, aiming it at Leon.
"Um...that doesn't seem fair," Leon starts. No sooner does he say that, when about five dozen of those stupid exploding robot things pop out of the ground and all turn to face our hero. "...Ok, now THAT'S not fair at ALL!"
"TIME TO DIE!" Krauser screams, firing a rocket. And then all hell breaks loose...
(HAAAH! another cliffhanger! oh man I'm such a bastard. now, where was I...)
"WHOA!" all the men (except Brad and Wesker, who are STILL unconscious) exclaim.
Standing before them is the merchant, with her (it's obviously a her now!) trenchcoat pulled wide open. Underneath, aside from an assortment of weapons, she is wearing Jill Valentine's RE3 costume!
"Hot damn!" Chris yells, his eyes bugging out. Jill slaps the back of his head.
"WOO YEAH!" Billy shoves two fingers in his mouth and starts whistling frantically. Rebecca slaps the back of his head.
"Good gracious!" William exclaims. He pulls off his shoe and starts hitting himself with it. Annette slaps the back of his head.
"That is undoubtedly the hottest merchant ever," Anthony notes aloud. Sherry slaps the back of his head.
"What a hottie!" Kendo shouts. Barry looks around, then slaps the back of his head for good measure.
The merchant continues to pose, showing off an impressive assortment of curves- I mean weapons. And items. And uh, stuff. Ballistics. (I knew this was a bad idea)
"So..." she begins, her sparkling eyes peering out from the gap between her facemask and hood. "What are ya buyin'?"
"A-daah daaah daah," Chris mumbles in reply, grabbing his lower jaw with his hand. Jill punches him in the shoulder and shoves him away to sit next to Barry.
Billy, unblinkingly, starts to point towards the merchant's wares. "I want...those..." he murmurs numbly. Rebecca slaps his hand down furiously. And then slaps him on the head. And again. And again and again and again. Pretty much she just beats him down until he's unconscious.
"Perhaps I could make a few suggestions as to what we should purchase," William states, and begins getting up off of the floor.
"Don't even THINK about it," Annette growls icily, yanking him back down under the workbench.
Anthony looks to Sherry. Sherry just glares at him and folds her arms over her chest before looking away. He shrugs and looks at the merchant again. "Um, excuse me, miss merchant...lady...uh...do you have Resident Evil 5, by any chance?"
The merchant shakes her head slowly. "Sorry, stranger. It's not out yet."
"Hmm," Anthony snaps his fingers in defeat and looks down thoughtfully. After a moment, he looks up again and asks "How about a date!" Sherry just growls.
The merchant shakes her head again. "Not enough cash! ...Stranger."
Anthony gives a half-hearted laugh and waves his hands. "Ok ok ok seriously, what HAVE you got?"
The merchant takes a deep breath. "WEEeeeell..."
"Handguns, rifles, shotguns, launchers, ammo, grenades, squirtguns, darts, blowguns, puppy chow, mortars, proxy mines, remote mines, mine mines, flinstones kids chewable vitamins, crossbows, bolts, explosive bolts, acid bolts, incendiary bolts, peanut butter bolts..."
(twelve hours later)
"...collapsable minibikes, a microwave oven, candy corn, fake IDs, Wesker's underpants- oh wait those aren't for sale... cheap movie tickets, some old gum-"
"WAIT! We'll take those bikes!" Chris exclaims suddenly. Everyone jolts awake (except for Brad and Wesker who are STILL unconscious, and Anthony who has been sitting in front of the merchant and listening intently to everything she's said.)
"Ok, that'll be five bucks," the merchant states.
Everyone starts digging around in their pockets for change. They come up with three ninety two and a paperclip. "Dang it," Billy growls under his breath. "Where are we gonna get another two bucks."
William clenches and unclenches his fists, looking down at the puny mess of change and a couple bills. "We NEED that money as a means of traveling to Japan so that we may get our hands on the newest Resident Evil game!"
Billy looks at Rebecca. "I'll sleep with you for two bucks," he offers. She slaps him in the face.
Suddenly, Annette looks like she has an idea. "Sell her the paperclip."
Everyone looks at her. "You think that'll work?" Jill contemplates aloud. "I mean...she's wearing my RE3 outfit. She's obviously high-class. She doesn't need paperclips."
"It's worth a try!" Chris decides. He picks up the paperclip to Kendo. "Here, you're a businessman. Go sell this paperclip to the merchant for two dollars."
Kendo snorts, taking the paperclip. "Ok, if you say so." But as soon as he walks past the window towards the merchant, the giant alligator's head crashes through and grabs him in its jaws. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHH WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?" Kendo screams as he is pulled back out the window.
"BUENOS NOCHES, SUCKERS!" Chief Mendez's voice echoes into the night.
Anthony, Chris, Billy, and Barry all drop to their knees. "KENDOOOOOOO!" they scream collectively. Meanwhile, everyone else (except Brad and Wesker, for obvious reasons, and the merchant who feels no fear) have crowded to the other side of the room and are shivering with fright.
"Great!" William cries. "Now we've lost all our money, AND the paperclip! How on earth are we going to-"
"Uuuhnh.." A groan interrupts William. Everyone looks over as Wesker sits up off of the floor and rubs his head. "What the hell happe-"
"WESKY!" the merchant squeals suddenly, pouncing on him. "WHEEE!"
"GAAH!" Wesker shrieks, trying to get away but to no avail. "Do something, you morons! Get this crazy girl off of me!"
No one seems to be doing anything, though. "Hey..." Chris starts. "If we give you Wesker, will you give us the bikes?"
Wesker looks horrified. "Why would you-"
"DEAL!" the merchant screams happily.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Wesker howls.
Two minutes later, the gang (sans Wesker) is peddling down the street on their new fold-up miniature tricycles.
Chris takes the lead in one, William and Annette share the second, Jill and Rebecca the third, Billy and Barry a fourth, and Anthony brings up the rear with the fifth. Sherry clings to his chest, while an unconscious Brad has been slung onto his back. He struggles to keep up with the others, teeth clenched the whole way. "I hate my life..." he mutters.
"That merchant said there was a bus station some ways down this road!" Chris calls out, the wind whipping lazily through his short hair as he peddles.
"Yeah but didn't she say there was something dangerous about it?" Billy asks. He tries to ignore Barry, who is clinging to his back and squirting at imaginary targets in the darkness.
"I think she said something like 'watch out for Plant42' or something," Chris answers. "I couldn't tell over Wesker's screaming."
"What's Plant42?" Jill yells as she peddles.
"Probably something stupid!" Billy scoffs. The group peddles on into the night...
Next time on 'Resident Evil: Super Quest':
What horrors lurk at the bus station? Will Leon and co. be able to defeat Krauser and his army of stupid robots? Will Nemesis and his 'crew' ever make it to dry land? Will Nikolai leave the gang alone? Will Alexia stop frying her brother? Will Ark break down crying? Find out next time on the next exciting edition of: 'Resident Evil: Super Quest'!11
Thank you all for reading and very much for your kind reviews! I'm glad that you're enjoying the story, and I hope that you like this latest chapter! As always, I will try to work any suggestions you all have into the story. It's FUN!
It's probably pretty obvious who the merchant turned out to be in this chapter. But ten random points still go to who can guess first :)