All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom
Anything else © whoever owns it
SPECIAL THANKS TO TENACIOUS D FOR THEIR AWESOME SONG WHICH I AM USING WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION
Chapter Fifteen: Sex and Violence, Mostly Without the Sex
"DAAAH!" Leon throws himself to the ground, the rocket rushing through the air where he had just been standing. Claire and Ada dive to either side, and the rocket flies past them and explodes in the distance, blowing up an orphanage.
"WAHAHAHAAA!" Krauser laughs, and orders his legion of explody-bots to attack. Heavy metal rock music blasts out of nowhere. Then it is revealed that Ashley has put on black eyeliner, spiked her hair messily, and is wailing on a guitar w/amp. Somehow. Steve on drums.
Anyway, Leon hops up like a madman and whips out two six-shooters. "BANGBANG!" he screams, as he pulls the triggers furiously. Bots exploded in bright clouds of shrapnel and mayhem that reflect in the ex-cop's icy blue eyes. Oh the intensity!
Ada and Claire eagerly join in the fray; Claire whipping out her 9 and Ada pulling an SMG out from behind her back. "KLAH KLAH!" Claire shouts as she fires her handgun, gangster style. More bots fall, detonating violently in the sand.
"BRATT-TATT-TATTA, mutha f-" Ada growls, a loud explosion cutting her off as more of the exploding robot things are destroyed under the hail of SMG fire.
The robots are quickly losing. But meanwhile, Luis is doing the worm! I mean Krauser is getting ready to attack. Sorry. Yeah, Krauser is pulling out his knoife. "IMMA GUT YOU, SUCKAH!" he screams, pointing a finger at Leon and licking his knife like a psycho. Suddenly, Krauser cuts his tongue by accident. He starts screaming, then crying deliriously, then screaming again. Perhaps his gangsta talk has disoriented him. Well now he is jumping around and screaming amidst the wild battle.
And Ashley and Steve play on, their insane death metal music blasting through the desert accompanied by various gunfire and explosions.
It is awesome.
(meanwhile)
"Hang on," Carlos says suddenly, and stops. Hunk stops walking as well. Mikhail plows into him and then falls on his ass and is knocked out.
"What is it?" Hunk asks, his voice edged with tired annoyance as he ducks under another of Nikolai's shots and lights a cigarette at the same time.
"DANG it!" the angry Russian screams from the distance.
Carlos's eyes narrow. "I...I think I...hear something." He turns around and peers into the dense trees beside the path.
Hunk joins him, pushing aside a large fern leaf. "What in the hell is that."
A gigantic alligator stampedes through the woods. Chief Mendez sits on its back, screaming delightedly as he is jostled around by the beast's hasty stomping. He is wearing a big sombrero.
Hunk lets go of the fern leaf and turns away from the woods. "Ok. We should...keep going."
"Affirmative," Carlos softly agrees, suddenly feeling homesick. He takes out a sandwich and starts eating it. They each grab one of the unconscious Mikhail's legs and keep on walking.
(MEANWHILE)
Anthony Mihovich, rookie S.T.A.R.S. member and cousin of Leon Kennedy, feels like he is going to die. The last leg of the group's tricycle journey has taken them to an insanely steep hill which supposedly overlooks the bus station. The rest of the group has pushed on, racing up the hill with relative ease. But Anthony, laden with not only an unconscious Brad Vickers, but ALSO Sherry Birkin clinging to him, is taking a bit longer.
Squeak...squeak...squeak...
The tricycle squeaks and whimpers under the strain as Anthony slowly but surely forces his feet forward in the peddles. The road on the hill is basically a seventy-five degree incline. It sucks. Squinting, he can faintly make out everyone's silhouettes at the top; their forms dimly outlined by a lone streetlamp.
Brad is snoring as he lays slumped precariously over Anthony's shoulders. Cold drool begins seeping down the rookie's shirt, and he shudders in revulsion. Meanwhile, Sherry is curled up snugly in his lap, singing songs while she playfully draws little patterns on his chest.
"Ass..and titties..ass and titties.. Ass, ass, titties, titties, ass and titties," the twelve year old sings.
Anthony glowers, clenching his teeth as he struggles to keep peddling. "Stop...singing...that...STUPID...SONG..." he orders.
Sherry pouts and pokes his chest. "I will if you give me a kiss. Deal?"
Anthony's eyes roll back in his head in pure exasperation as he wonders why he's been cursed with this. "No...deal..." he growls.
"You're no fun!" Sherry whines.
As they continue their painfully slow ascent up the hill, Anthony can faintly hear the others' voices at the top.
"...can see it from here," Chris is saying. "It looks deserted."
"Do you see any buses, dear?" Annette asks.
"No, I do not," William laments.
"Do you even know what a bus LOOKS like?" Billy asks, snorting.
Rebecca just giggles.
Jill sighs and checks her ammo.
"There's a bus!" Barry exclaims, pointing. I hope it's not Chris's b-"
"OK," Chris interrupts. "As soon as Anthony gets up here, we'll head in. Everyone check your ammo."
"I already checked mine," Jill announces.
"WooOOoo, aren't WE special? 'I already checked mine!'" William says in a mocking tone. "That's YOU. That's what YOU sound like."
"Hey why don't you shut your pasty white scientist mouth," Jill starts.
"GUYS!" Chris cuts in. "Come on." He looks around. "I mean, come on! Just...just come on." The group settles down.
Squeak...squeak...squeak...
Finally Anthony makes it to the top of the crest. Chest heaving, labored breaths huffing, he drops his feet from the pedals and plants them shakily on the ground to keep from rolling backwards. As the others formulate a plan, Anthony simply tries to catch his breath while looking back and forth between them.
"Well I have a bad feeling about this," Chris states, wringing Jill's hands. She just stares in bewilderment at him, but silently agrees with a somewhat uncomfortable nod.
"Where should we head in from?" Rebecca wonders aloud, peering at the bus station through a telescope. The dimly lit station glows softly under the overhead illumination of several streetlamps. One of them flickers ominously. Or cheaply.
"I say we go in THERE," Billy declares, pointing hard. He prods Barry in the eye by accident, causing the older man to cry out in pain and double over while clutching his face.
"Really?" Annette ponders this. "Scientifically, it would be best to go in through THERE." She points one finger, accidentally poinking Billy in HIS eye.
"OW!" Billy grabs his face and starts crying.
"You're both wrong," Jill says as-a-matter-of-factly. "THAT is the strategically best way to go," she informs them, gesturing wildly with a hand. She inadvertently backhands Chris.
"ACK!" Chris yelps, covering his face with one arm.
Anthony's brow arches slightly in worry as he watches the chaos unfold. He raises an index finger, opening his mouth to intervene, but can't seem to think of what to say.
"LISTEN to me!" Chris cries. "We're going straight through the FRONT DOOR!" He punches Annette in the face, who tumbles into William, who shoves Rebecca for no reason, who stumbles backwards-
-right into Anthony.
"OOF!" the rookie grunts, trying to keep his feet on the ground...and failing.
Squeak-...squeak...squeak, squeaksqueaksqueakSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAK—
Anthony, Sherry, and Brad careen back down the ludicrously steep road on their out-of-control trike.
"EEEEEEEEEK!" Sherry screams dramatically, clinging to Anthony's chest. Brad wakes up for a split second and joins in the screaming, his pitch just as high as Sherry's.
Anthony squeezes his eyes shut as they zoom backwards down the hill at blinding speeds into the night. "I REGRET NOTHING!" he yells in defiance. The bike crashes violently.
The others, at the top of the hill, all look around as the sound of shearing metal and cries of pain in the night.
Chris exhales and loads his gun. "Everybody ready?"
The others, all bearing black eyes and bruises, nod enthusiastically and ready their weapons. The bus station awaits...
(elsewhere)
"Sing 'Old Gray Mare' again!" Lilly screams as the red wagon bumps steadily along the road.
"No sing 'Old McDonald!" Lott frantically cries, pulling her hair. Lilly pimp smacks him.
"Both of you shut your little mouths!" Vincent snaps. The two kids shut up quick. Vincent straightens the collar of his expensive white longcoat and clears his throat. "I'll sing whatever I want and I'm going to sing 'Voi che sapete che cosa e amor, from 'Le nozze di Figaro: Act II'." He clears his throat and begins to softly sing the first note.
"Shaddap," Bruce mumbles, shooting him in the knee.
"GAAAAAAAAAH!" Vincent screams, clutching his leg. "YOU BARBARIAN!" he cries. "HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME!"
Bruce just grunts and belches, then blows it in his face.
Vincent just stares blankly. "...You probably think that's 'cool'."
Meanwhile, Fong is still asleep. Lilly and Lott start drawing mustaches and whatnot on her face with black sharpies that they randomly found.
Ark just continues walking, his haunted eyes slowly taking on a more and more worried look as the trip drags on.
(and ELSEwhere...)
Nemesis sighs and hungrily rubs his tummy, licking his teeth as he imagines a big juicy meat sandwich and some lemonade. He, Marcus, and Morpheus sit atop a slowly spinning, floating tire out in the middle of the sea. It was a lucky find, and it even appeared that the tire may or may not be heading towards land of some sort. Maybe.
"Incoming message!" Morpheus shouts. Nemesis and Marcus jump, quickly turning to look at the tiny handheld communicator that the weird female tyrant man thing holds.
All three of them peer intently at the small screen. It flickers and blinks, and then Alexia's glaringly angry face abruptly pops up onto it. The three edge back uneasily, wincing at her twitching eye and bulging forehead vein.
"Uh...yes...ma'am?" Marcus begins cautiously.
Alexia's expression seems to soften as an eerily pleasant smile crosses her full red lips. But that does not begin to put even an ounce of reassurance into the sea-bound trio. In fact, they begin to grow even more frightened.
The scarily beautiful woman tilts her head just slightly and narrows her eyes as the smile widens. "I was just calling to inform the three of you that you're a bunch of worthless f(beep)ing a(beep)oles."
Nemesis sniffles, and then begins crying like a baby.
"Aw you've made Nemmy cry!" Marcus grumps, sighing.
"Well he's a big crybaby who can't do anything right!" Alexia snaps.
Nemesis immediately stops crying and begins angrily barking at her like a rabid dog.
Alexia just grits her teeth. "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!" she yells at the screen. She then reaches off camera and pulls a stunned-looking Alfred into view, slapping him.
Nemesis sighs and rubs his eyes. "Starrrs," he grumbles. "Staaaars."
"Yes I know," Alexia replies with a stress-filled sigh. "I've sent claw guy to assist you three. Make good use of him, and TRACK DOWN THOSE INFIDELS!" she orders. She then pauses to take a swig of beer. Then, as if suddenly remembering something, she looks at the screen again. "AND DESTROY THEM TOO!" Upon having said this, she belches loudly. "Oh f(bleep)k."
The screen goes blank.
Morpheus sighs. "Well, it seems that our orders are clear. Still."
"Indeed," Marcus agrees. He softly pets one of his leeches. "But I wonder, how will the Garrador help us? What we NEED is a new BOAT." The group is silent for a moment.
Nemesis pipes up. "Starss. Staaars stars."
Marcus raises an eyebrow. "Good point, Nemesis. How WILL Garrador get here?"
All of a sudden, two insect-like novistadors carrying claw guy (garrador) come buzzing in from the distance. Garrador kicks and flails, squealing in defiance. The trio on their tire slowly look upwards in unison, watching the huge clawed mask-wearing man-monster.
And then the novistadors drop him. The trio below widen their eyes in shock as a shadow grows. "YEAAAAAAAARGH!" Garrador screams, falling like a rock. Marcus and Morpheus scoot aside on the tire. Garrador hits the hardened rubber with a sickening 'thud' before immediately sliding into the water.
Nemesis sighs and starts crying again.
(and in other news)
"LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE---OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO----N! HEEEE—EEEEE---EEEYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHH!" Ashley's French death metal scream blasts across the battlefield as she slams a chord on her guitar. The amplifier blows out, billowing smoke as the speaker cover hits Krauser in the head and knocks him over. A loud squeal of feedback slowly fades away as Steve kicks over his drums, getting his foot stuck in the process.
"GUYS!" Leon shouts, "It's over."
Ashley blinks several times at him. "It is? Oh!" She quickly rubs away the eyeliner and ruffles her hair until it returns to its original form. "Leon I'm so glad you saved me!" She bounds over and glomps Leon, squealing like a speed-laden fangirl. Leon just sighs and pats her head.
Meanwhile, Claire and Ada nod at each other while standing amongst the wreckage of hundreds of destroyed robots.
"We bad," Claire notes aloud.
"YEA we bad!" Ada agrees enthusiastically.
"YEAH!" Claire answers, slapping Ada hard on the ass. The asian double-agent's eyes widen in shock, and she simply stares at Claire. "Uh," Claire stutters for a moment. "Good game?" she adds. Ada nods approvingly and smiles.
Luis is pole-dancing with a cactus.
Suddenly, Krauser jumps up. "This isn't over, Leon!"
"Yes it is," Leon sighs in exasperation.
Krauser furrows his brow, pouting. "Is NOT!"
"It SO is!" Leon retorts, weaving his head intimidating.
Krauser's pout softens. "...Really?"
Leon nods. "Uh huh."
Krauser makes a pissed-off five-year-old grunt and stomps his foot. "Aw man..." He looks down at the ground, dejected.
"PSYCHE!" Leon cries, running over suddenly and kicking him right in the groin.
"AAAARGHHH!" Krauser screams, grabbing his crotch and falling to his knees, and then onto his face. For the second time that day.
Leon leaps up and punches the air enthusiastically, grinning hard. "YEAH! WOO! Take THAT, bitch!" He throws up the horns and ardently pumps them over his head as he chants. "U.S.A! U.S.A!"
Meanwhile, some guy walks up to Claire. Kamesen is with him.
"Hey," Kamesen announces. "This guy had a request for the story." He nods to the guy, who steps forward.
"My name is Sam, I'm very sexy, and would glomp Claire if I got the chance," the guy says.
Claire just stares at him. Several moments pass as Ada looks back and forth between the two in anticipation. Sam steps forward unceremoniously and hops onto Claire in the form of a glomp. Claire wavers a bit, with the sudden weight wrapped around her. Her brow furrows slightly in a worried expression.
Kamesen checks his watch and sighs, squinting out at the sun. Leon is still marching around, singing 'I'm a real American' in an annoyingly loud voice as Krauser just lays on the ground crying. Steve hops around, and falls over as he tries to get the drum off of his foot. Ashley puts on some cat ears and paws at the tumbleweed she'd made before.
Sam lets go of Claire and hops down, ending the glomp. He nods to Kamesen, and then leaves.
Kamesen claps his hands together once, holding them. "OK!" he says, rubbing his hands together now. "You guys can uh...keep on with your mission. Good uh...good luck." He sucks in a breath as he turns to leave, giving everyone a quick nod before he walks off into the sunset.
Claire just stares after him for a full minute. Then, emotionlessly, she turns and walks off towards Leon. Ada stands there for a moment, shrugs, then follows. They gather up Luis and Ashley, and all head off towards the coast.
Hours pass. Krauser just lays there in the sand, mumbling obscenities. "This...isn't...done...yet...Leon..."
A wombat shambles over to him, takes a poo right next to his face, and then waddles off.
Krauser starts crying.
(and back to our main group...)
Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine are one with the nighttime shadows as they creep alongside the side of the building, keeping flat to the wall. The abandoned bus station whispers hauntingly to them as a stale breeze blows through it, carrying the scent of long-dead grass and dusty gravel. The two come to a stop by a corner of the building, and Chris raises a cupped hand to his mouth.
"Krrshk...Barry, come in. Over.
Just around the corner, Barry and Billy are flattened against the other wall. Barry's eyes widen as he hears Chris's "transmission". He turns to Billy. "It's Chris!" Barry whispers excitedly. Billy just rolls his eyes. Barry turns back, furrowing his brow in hard concentration. He carefully brings a cupped hand up to his mouth, eyes peeping left and right as if he felt he were being watched. "...Krrsshweeeewwwkrrsh...Chris! This is Barry! All clear over here. Over."
Chris nods, giving a thumbs-up to Jill, who just nods and flashes a patronizing smile. Chris then cups his mouth again. "Krrshhhhsht! Good job, Barry! Over."
Barry grins, barely containing excited laughter. "Krrsht! Thanks, Chris! Isn't this cool? Over!" Billy turns to glare at him in disbelief, mouthing 'what the hell'.
Chris grins as well. "Krssht! Yeah this is totally- OW!" He is cut off by a swat to the back of the head from Jill. Sighing, the Redfield sags his shoulders in defeat and walks around the corner. "Ok ok, let's get this over with."
Barry shrugs and follows him, along with Billy and Jill. Chris's expression takes on a serious, determined look of grim intensity. He makes a few random hand gestures, pointing this way and that as they walk. The other three glance at each other in wide-eyed confusion, and then just start meandering off into the shadowy recesses of the massive bus station.
A dark green plant tentacle slithers into the darkness... (insert ominous/creepy music)
Meanwhile, Rebecca and the Birkins are hauling Anthony and Brad up the hill. Annette and William carry an (again) unconscious Brad Vickers, while Rebecca helps Anthony along by draping one of his arms over her slender shoulders. Sherry decides to help push from the rear, despite Anthony's weakened, lethargic attempts to swat her away.
Finally, they too make it to the station. The Birkin adults dump Brad unceremoniously in a corner of one of the lounges and then huddle together in an opposite corner to discuss theoretical molecular recombination.
Rebecca carefully eases Anthony down onto a lightly padded bench, frowning in sympathy as he does his best to cover up a wince that blanches across his face. "Ow..." he mutters.
"Jeez, you really took a harsh spill. It's a good thing that you were there to break Brad and Sherry's fall, or else they'd be hurt too. Oh, and also your spine cushioned the bike from damage, which uh...saved the bike too," Rebecca notes, kneeling beside the bench. Anthony just stares disbelievingly up at the ceiling, then closes his eyes tightly and mutters something under his breath. Rebecca frowns, then the corners of her lips turn up in a sympathetic smile. "Where does it hurt?" she asks softly, smoothing his ruffled hair aside.
(hey have you guys seen that one Indiana Jones movie lol)
Anthony blows out a tired exhale, a wry expression crossing his face as he points to his forehead. "Here," he mutters.
Rebecca blinks once, her eyes watching his face for a moment before she leans in... and softly kisses his forehead, her lips pressing tenderly against the bruise and making the deftest of parting sounds as she moves away again slowly, watching his eyes. Anthony stares quietly at her, his own lips parting in subtle surprise. She smiles again. "Where else does it hurt?" she asks, her voice barely a whisper.
Sherry looks up from her coloring book, and breaks her crayon in half as her bottom jaw falls open in utter bewilderment and rage at the sight.
Anthony slowly reaches up with his hand, touching a small cut on his cheek. "...Here," he repeats, his dry throat adding a mannishly sexy rasp to his voice. Rebecca leans in again, their eyes locked until they pass each other and she closes them as her lips part to deliver another tender, slightly longer kiss to Anthony's cheek. They share a momentary stare once more before Anthony then points to a cut on his lower lip. "...Here..." The tip of Rebecca's tongue slips out at the corner of her mouth, sliding along the edges of her lips and leaving a feint glisten as her hand nervously clasps the fabric of her pants, butterflies fluttering madly in her stomach. Her supple mouth parts again as she exhales faintly, feeling the tingling flutter in the pit of her stomach climb as she begins to lean in... His deep blue eyes cradle her warmly, his lips awaiting hers with unyielding tenderness. Their light, anxious breaths mingle as Rebecca draws closer, stifling a gasp as she feels his gentle hand cup the side of her face. She tilts her head and closes the distance-
"STOP THAT!" a young girl's voice explodes over several loudspeakers. Anthony and Rebecca jump, looking around the wide lounge in embarrassed bewilderment. "STOP THAT!" the voice repeats, more fervently. Finally, they see Sherry Birkin standing on top of the ticket counter, holding the announcement microphone in her hand. She looks PISSED.
After simply huffing and glaring for a few moments, Sherry grips the microphone more firmly. "THIS SAPPY-MOOD-FANSERVICE BREAKING MOMENT IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY SHERRY ELIZABETH BIRKIN!" she announces proudly. "YOU BASTARDS!"
"Oh look!" Annette says with an amused smile. "Sherry's putting on a little show! Isn't that adorable, William?"
William looks up from his notes. "Mm, yes. Amazing," he mumbles blandly. "Now, help me decipher this DNA coding for the Q-virus."
Rebecca and Anthony slowly look at each other, blush a deeper shade, and then look back to Sherry with very worried expressions.
The twelve-year-old takes a deep breath, and suddenly music start blasting out of the speakers...somehow. Sherry breaks into enraged singing. "WITH KARATE I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!" she sings as she points at Rebecca, "FROM HERE TO TIANANMEN SQUARE! OH YEAH MUTHA F(beep)AH, I'M GONNA KICK YA F(beep)IN' DAIRYAIRE YEAH-EE-YEA-HA!" Sherry winces in anguish, holding up a clenched fist. "YA BROKE THE RULES! AND NOW I'LL PULL OUT ALL YOUR PU-"
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Sherry drops the mic with a blaring ring of feedback as the monstrous roar shakes the room. Everyone looks upward as plaster and dust filters down from the ceiling.
"What on earth was THAT!" Annette wonders aloud.
William swallows hard. "Judging by what the female merchant had informed us of before, and by the sheer depth of that roar, I'd say it's a gigantic mutated plant monster."
Things don't look so happy right now.
Yo! How's it going? I hope that you all enjoyed this latest chapter. Sorry if it dragged at a few points. Rough night. But I'll do my best to entertain!
It looks like our heroes are in even more trouble! Will plant-42 devour their bodies like...like bodies? Or will they somehow escape? Will Nemesis and his crew EVER see dry land? Will Alexia ever stop slapping her brother for no reason? Will Ark have to bear the burden of that wagon forever? Will Leon ever realize how lucky he is to be traveling with three hot babes? What of Carlos and co.? What of WESKER? Holy crap. I guess we'll have to wait and see!
And in regards to the female merchant...yes, it was Wesker Chick! She's going to kill me! (big scared smile) Anyways, everyone who guessed got it right. But since sylphstarwind guessed first, she wins! (gives her a cookie) CONGRATULATIONS!
As always, thank you all VERY much for reading, and for your awesome reviews! I will do my best to please. Your continued support makes me a happy person:) I thank you. Look forward to the next edition of 'Resident Evil: Super Quest'! See ya then!