CHAPTER 15

Zoe took the initiative and spoke first, "Hello, My name is Zoe Morgan. This is Dr. Iris Campbell. I spoke to Dr. Tilman earlier today? About a patient here?"

"I'm Dr. Tilman. We spoke on the phone".

The women stood there for a moment, taking stock in each other. Zoe saw a rather young doctor who seemed quite capable and very much her own person. She must be to care for the sick and injured in this neighborhood while running the clinic. Zoe had done her homework between her conversation earlier and picking up Iris.

The older woman was a mystery. She obviously was not a doctor and wasn't dressed to be a nurse. Her clothes were clean, despite being very worn. Zoe was at a loss to figure out where she fit into John's life.

Meg took in the two women in front of her. One of the women, Zoe, was sophisticated, polished and very attractive. Her self-confidence immediately set her apart from others. Her clothes were on the high end, her hair was perfectly coiffed. She seemed to be woman in charge of herself.

The other woman was harder to peg. She'd been introduced as a doctor but Meg didn't get the feeling she was an MD. There was a 'naturalness' about her that seemed soothing. Maybe it was the long red gold hair, or the casual clothes she wore. She seemed to be the more anxious of the two. Or at least the other was just better at hiding it.

Joan had her reservations. She was extremely protective of John, especially in the confused state he was in. But she was also desperate to help him. Her instincts, honed to a fine edge after years on the streets, told her that these two women were close to John and would do him no harm.

"May we see him?" Iris asked softly. "Please?"

Meg glanced at Joan. Returning her look, Joan gave the slightest nod of agreement. Both Meg and Joan wanted John to get better and these two women might be the key to that. Joan thought it was worth the risk of possibly upsetting John if it turned out these two women didn't know anything helpful.

"John is sedated right now. He won't know you are there. I would like to leave him undisturbed until he wakes up." Meg answered, looking at Zoe and Iris.

"Sedated? Why is he sedated? Are his injuries that severe?" asked Iris anxiously.

"His physical injuries, while severe, are healing quite well. It is his memory loss that's the problem now. His frustration in trying to recover his past is causing him to have severe migraines. Severe enough that sometimes I have to sedate him to alleviate the pain."

Seeing the worried eyes staring at her, Meg was quick to continue, "We'll talk more about this after you see him. See if he is your friend John."

Meg led the way out of the break room and to the back corner of the clinic. Quietly opening the door, Meg stepped in. Seeing the quiet form of John under the covers, breathing normally she motioned the others to come in.

Holding her finger to her lips she beckoned for them to come closer. Zoe grabbed Iris's hand as they walked toward the bed. Hope and fear were fighting within each of them. Fear it wasn't their John and hope that it was.

The man on the bed was lying on his back. Long legs could be seen under the covers. The salt and pepper hair seemed a little more salt than pepper. The couple of weeks growth of beard covered the lower part of his face. A large bandage still covered a part of his head, covering his right eye and forehead.

Neither Zoe nor Iris could tell anything definite…...if it was John or not.

But then he turned his head away from them and they both gasped out loud. Their clasped hands gripped each other tighter. That tell-tale V spot in the back was clearly visible. That distinctive hairline made them both gasp. Was this their John? Had they finally found him? Found him ALIVE?

Suddenly he groaned softly and moved restlessly on the bed. Both Zoe and Iris were silently willing him to turn toward them, to let them see that face they thought was gone from them forever. Turning slowly in the bed, obviously favoring one side over the other, the man in the bed turned his face toward them. And then both women saw what they had been yearning for….

John was alive!

Meg put a restraining hand on Zoe. Shaking her head, she pulled her back toward the door.

Zoe turned and gave her a puzzled look.

"Like I said, he's sleeping right now. I do not want him awake yet. I've given him something to help with the pain from these headaches. I'd prefer he wake up on his own."

Zoe nodded and looked back at John's sleeping form…...and then at Iris standing next to her.

She was transfixed staring at the man they had both thought was lost to them.

Zoe squeezed Iris's hand to get her attention and led her towards the door.

All four women walked out into the hallway and the door shut quietly.

"We need to talk. We need to figure out what it the next step for John's recovery. The next BEST step" said Meg, looking at Zoe and Iris. She felt they were at a crossroads how best to get the John they obviously all knew and loved…..back.

Zoe was the first to recover from the shock of seeing John alive. The relief of knowing she'd been right, that he had not died on that roof top, left her shaken..

"I agree. We need to have a plan in place that best suits him and his continued recovery. Can we go talk in your office?"

"Of course, right this way." Meg said as she led them down the hallway. Zoe paused when she realized that Iris was not following. Turning around she saw Iris looking through the window at John. And Joan was right there with her. Two very different women who were alike in their obvious love for one man.

Zoe turned and continued on behind Meg. Once in her office they sat down and began to map out what to do when and where and most importantly …how they would be able to help John.

Joan stood next to Iris, watching her. She was there to prevent Iris from bothering John as he slept. Meg had taken very good care of John and he continued to improve...except for his memory. But watching Iris, she had a good feeling about her. Iris hadn't said much. But the look on her face while she looked at John told Joan a lot. She had learned how to 'read' people pretty well while living on the streets. Many times her life depended on it.

She felt that was a history there, between John and this woman. The sadness she saw in her face gave her pause. She seemed happy to have found John, found that he was alive but there was something more. Joan slowly reached out and took Iris's hand in hers. Iris turned to look at her, unshed tears in her eyes. Joan patted her hand and said, 'It will be alright. I mean that. It will be alright.'

Joan gently pulled Iris away from the door and lead her to Meg's office. There, Zoe and Meg were already deep in discussion about hard facts about the details of John's recovery. Meg was talking and Zoe was taking notes, nodding her head and asking questions to clarify things.

Meg told them she needed to free up his room for the normal weekend bloodbath. Meg had worked hard the last three weekends using the one exam room, shuffling patients in and out quickly. Twice, she had patients lining the hallway with nowhere to go but she refused to push John out before he was ready. But, she explained, weekends brought out the worst in people in the area where the clinic was located. She really needed to have both rooms available.

Iris came in and took a seat next to Zoe. Meg took a minute to get her caught up about John's recovery and rehab needs.

"He no longer need hands-on, day to day care. His bullet wounds are healing nicely. I hope there isn't any permanent damage to nerves or bones. But only time will tell. Not real sure how he got that lucky with as many times as he was shot." Meg said shaking her head.

"How many times was he shot?" asked Iris.

"A total of 5 times. One in his right shoulder, one in his lower abdomen, two in his right leg and one in his left leg. He's still got limited use of his right arm but I think with rehab he'll be close to 100%. His left leg is coming along fine but his right leg that took two hits, that's going to take longer. There was lot of muscle damage. I'm not sure about how much use of that leg he'll recover. But I would never use the word impossible when referring to John." she finished with a slight smile.

Zoe looked at Iris who seemed deep in thought, slightly slouched over in her seat. Zoe was a doer. Get things moving, organized, information gathered and used. She had a goal now and she was ready to push ahead.

"Iris..." she paused, waiting for her to acknowledge her name. After a moment, Iris looked over at Zoe, a slightly surprised look on her face. Obviously she had been 'somewhere else' in her thoughts while they were discussing things, not that Zoe blamed her. John's situation was a lot to take in.

"Iris, I...we need you in full-on head doctor mode. We have got to help Meg AND John now. Meg needs to free up the room he's been staying in. But we're not sure how to go about it as far as his memory loss and physical problems are concerned. What do you think?"

Iris sat up straight and looked Zoe directly in the eyes. You could almost see the doctor mode 'click in'. There was also a hint of relief that there was finally something she could do...could actively do...since her real desire was to go back to John and actually touch him...to prove to herself that he WAS alive.

"Dr, Tilman," she spoke, her voice clear and precise. "Let me get some more information from you about your observations of his mental state."

"Please call me Meg. We are all in this together for the same reason, a very special man." Meg said with a kind expression on her face. There was something more going on between John and this woman, she thought. She glanced at Zoe and was surprised at the knowing look that Zoe had on her face.

"At first, I thought his memory loss was due to the concussion. He was technically in a coma those first few days. Due to the severity of his physical injuries, that was probably the best for him. When he finally 'woke up' he had a very clear memory of Joan, " she nodded in Joan's direction, "and everything leading up to meeting her".

Looking down at his chart, Meg frowned. Re-reading some of her notes, more was coming back to her. "He had detailed memories of his time with Joan and the time before that, when he was in the military. But nothing after a late night ride on the subway. The way he described it was like a 'gray void' of nothingness." Again glancing down at her notes, she continued. "He has no memory of meeting me. None at all. I traced back and was able to figure out exactly when we met. It was October of 2011. So he has no memory from at least THAT time forward. That is 5 years worth of memory that he is blocking out."

Listening to Meg paint the picture of John's time after the explosion, an idea was taking shape in Iris's mind. She asked for more details about John's reactions to things, things he said and the questions he'd asked. She felt she was on to something. Her questions became more pointed as her theory began to play out in her head. His confusion over the memory loss, his anger over how much time he had no memory of, his physical reaction to trying to remember, the type of questions he was asking, especially the headaches that were causing him such pain the harder he tried to remember...

"I believe what John is experiencing is PTSD." Iris said quietly. "Everything fits. The mind will always protect itself. Block out visions, thoughts, experiences, violence, loss. Those are all strong emotional connections that the mind will shy away from, will deny a person access to in order to protect itself." Pausing for a moment to get her thoughts in order, Iris was counting off all the 'signals' that John was giving off, according to Meg's observations.

"I think that moment on the roof top." Iris's voice broke. A sob broke from her, tears once again came to her eyes. Taking a shaky breath, she continued, "That moment when he was giving up his life to save Harold was a traumatic moment for him. After talking to Harold, Sameen, and Lionel I have some understanding of why John and Harold were on the roof. I learned about his relationship with Harold and the work they did together. That violent 'end' on the roof was a type of 'psychotic break' for John. Everything that lead up to THAT moment was excised from his memory."

Meg, Zoe and Joan looked at Iris in amazement. Meg slowly began to nod her head, seeing the logic that brought Iris to that diagnosis. Zoe's slow smile showed she knew Iris would find the problem, give it a label, something concrete they could work on. Joan smiled the biggest smile of all. She remembered her recent heart to heart with John about her son. She was so glad that John had these two women in his corner to help him fight PTSD, help that her son never had. She'd seen what the ravages of the mental illness could do in many of her fellow homeless and she didn't want that for John.

Meg was the first to speak. "That fits. That fits amazingly well from what I know about PTSD. I learned about it in medical school and how to recognize most of the symptoms in the ER." Looking down at her desk she paused for a moment. "We get a lot of veterans ending up down here suffering from PTSD. They're lost and seem to have no support network. I usually recognize it and get the VA involved pretty quick. I'm so sorry I didn't pick up on that as a possible diagnosis..."

Zoe was quick to jump to her defense, "Dr. Tilman, you were busy trying to save his LIFE! From everything you've said about his condition when he got here, you could have lost him. But you didn't. A fact we are all immensely thankful for."

Joan had been sitting there quietly listening to the three women. No one but John knew about her son and his PTSD. No one had been there for him. But there was someone for John. "Now that we have a name for John's mental condition, what are we going to do? How do we treat it? How do we treat him?"

All eyes turned to Iris who was deep in thought. They waited for her to speak. Since she was the one to make what seemed to be the correct, and only, diagnosis she would be the one to take the lead.

Suddenly Iris realized all talking had ceased. Looking up she was surprised to see 3 pairs of eyes watching her.

"Oh, what did I miss? I'm so sorry!"

"Nothing," Meg Tilman laughed gently. "Since you figured out what I...what we were missing, it only makes sense that you would be the best one to advise us on how to proceed"

"Thank you. I truly appreciate the confidence you have in me. " Iris paused, collecting her thoughts. Things had been rapidly clicking into place.

"I have dealt with quite a few people with PTSD. Each individual's symptoms were are different, their symptoms themselves manifest differently but the 'triggers' that bring on an episode tend to be similar."

"Dr. Tillman," began Iris. Meg interrupted her, "Meg. Remember? We are well past the need for formality. I have a feeling we're going to be working together a lot and I'd prefer to drop the formality."

"Of course," Iris smiled in response. She liked Meg's direct approach. "Please call me Iris."

"And please call me Zoe."

"And don't forget me, call me Joan, please." All of them smiled at each other, drawn together for their love for one man.

"Meg, you said that John has been getting headaches more often now than just after the explosion?"

"Yes, and sometimes they are quite severe. Like the one he had before you got here. It was bad one. I had to give him something to knock him out to be able to control the pain. But now that you have brought up PTSD, these headaches really started in earnest after he realized how big of a gap he has in his memory. He's actively straining to remember. The harder he tries to remember, the worse the headache." Shaking her head, Meg continued, 'I never associated the headaches with him trying to remember his past. I was still thinking it was connected to his concussion."

"That is perfectly understandable. From what you've told us, you have done an amazing job in keeping him alive. Considering his injuries, he should have died. "

"How did you get to have experience with PTSD? I thought only soldiers got PTSD from being in war." Zoe asked.

With a small grimace, Iris answered. "Anybody can get PTSD if the trauma is severe enough. Police are exposed to stress and trauma every single day. Violence is their job, even though they are called 'Peace Officers'. I've treated many different versions of PTSD. Some recover, some learn to live with it, handle it...and some never do." Iris's voice trailed off, remembering her first couple of sessions with John as Detective Riley. Her eyes smarted with unshed tears. Biting her bottom lip she regained control.

"Today is Tues and Meg you said you really need to have John's room available again by this weekend correct?" Iris asked in full-on doctor mode.

"Yes, this typically is a 'busy' weekend for this clinic. Government checks come out and there is more disposable income available ...for the wrong reasons." Meg answered.

"So we need to have John out of here by Friday. That gives us 2 full days to 'prep him' for the move. We definitely need a plan that we can all agree on. Since he doesn't seem to remember you Meg, I am going to assume that he won't remember me or Zoe." Meg nodded in agreement.

"I think our first step would be for you to mention our names and watch for a reaction. Zoe and I do not need to be here when you do that. It will only confuse him more. Mention Harold, who was his boss and closest friend, and Sameen who was...um, a sister to him." She paused for a moment when she noticed the confusion on Meg's face. They obviously didn't know about Harold. Or Sameen or Lionel. Continuing she explained, "And also Lionel, his partner in the police department. Watch for any kind of reaction...recognition, memory, good or bad, confusion...especially take note IF he gets a headache. and how quickly he gets it and its severity."

Stopping for a moment to map out the plan she had in mind. "Do that today. Let me know his reaction." Pausing again, Iris gave a slight smile as she continued. "Meg, you be the one to mention our names. But don't look at him." Looking over at Joan she smiled. "Joan, you seem to be able to read him very well. When Meg mentions our names, YOU watch his reaction. If what I think is true, he will not remember us or Harold or Sameen or Lionel. But at least get him familiar with our names. We can come back tomorrow..." Iris looked at Zoe who nodded, "and you can actually introduce us. How he responds to us when he sees us will determine how far to take the next step."

Once again Iris sat there deep in thought, oblivious to the other three women.

"I really hate having to kick John out but I've got to have access to that exam room. He's recovered enough that he doesn't need 24/7 care but he shouldn't to be alone in his mental state. Where will he go?" asked Meg.

"He can come stay with me." answered Zoe.

That got everyone's attention. Three pairs of eyes looked at her ...with three different expressions. Shock, disbelief and wariness. Zoe just sat there and smiled. "I have an extra bedroom. It is quiet. You can come by and check on him Meg, anytime. Joan I hope you will come to see him often. From what Meg has told me you are his anchor. He obviously still needs you and relies on you in the confusing world that he woke up in. Anybody else got a better idea?"

Looking over at Iris, Zoe smiled. "YOU however will have to be checking on him more often. You are the one that will be handling his mental state. Are you up for it?"

Iris returned her look. Somehow Zoe had figured out the best scenario to help John. Zoe was in her element: solving problems.

Nodding her head, Iris smiled back. "Yes I am. Anything for John."

Meg and Zoe immediately put their heads together to figure out the logistics of getting a semi-invalid moved from an inner city clinic to a high rise in the middle of Manhattan. Thank goodness Zoe had the financial ability to handle an ambulance to get him from one place to the other. Meg began writing up a list of medical supplies that would be needed.

Joan, once again reached for Iris's hand. Holding it tight, she pulled Iris out of her revery. Standing up, she pulled Iris to her feet and led her out of the office. Neither Meg nor Zoe noticed them leaving.

Stopping again at the door to John's room, both women stood looking in at the still form on the bed. Joan noticed the look of pure longing on Iris's face. Squeezing her hand she asked, "Do you want to go into the room?"

"Yes please." Iris whispered. "I need to see his face…" she said, never taking her eyes off of him.

Joan pushed open the door and led Iris inside. She motioned for Iris to go closer but held her finger to her lips to remind her to be quiet.

Releasing Joan's hand Iris stepped closer to the bed. He still faced the way, she could only see the side of his face. That tell-tale V spot was clearly visible but the longish, scruffy beard covered most of his face that she could see. She took in every detail; there was so much more gray in his hair. He seemed to have lost weight, which was understandable. How she wished he was facing in her direction. She needed to see that dear face, the one that she thought was lost to her.

As if hearing her thoughts, John slowly turned his head toward her. Still asleep, his eyes didn't open. A gasp escaped Iris as she saw the face that had haunted her dreams for weeks. One hand reached out as if to touch him but Joan's hiss from behind her caused her to draw back immediately. Standing there quietly, Iris memorized every line on his face, noting any new ones, as well as the way his hair fell over his forehand, the salt and pepper of his beard.

The door to the room opened behind them and Joan turned to see Meg and Zoe walk in. Iris was oblivious to anyone in that room except for John.

Watching Iris and the way she looked at John, for the first time since Joan had brought him into her clinic, Meg felt good, even optimistic, about John's future. These two women where the bridge to John's other life and his full recovery.

Zoe felt satisfaction that she'd been right. That John had not died on that rooftop. It would take more than a cruise missile to kill John Reese! But watching the naked emotion play out on Iris's face, Zoe realized that she herself was not John's 'endgame'...Iris was. And that was as it should be. Thinking back to some of their late night conversations, John yearned for a calm, quiet life. He had had enough excitement, danger and action to last multiple lifetimes. The serenity that flowed from Iris was just what John had been looking for. And now it was almost within his grasp, IF they could get his memory back.