All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom
Anyone else © whoever owns them
Chapter Sixteen: Things That Start With 'P'
"You go in."
"YOU go."
"You."
"YOU."
"FINE."
Chris kicks the door open with vicious bravado, bringing his gun to bear as he enters. "GAAAAAH!" he screams, his bloodcurdling cry carrying through the halls of the bus station. Jill and Barry cringe in horror, throwing each other shocked expressions.
"Maybe I shouldn't have told him to go," Jill laments, nervously fondling her 9mm. Barry nods solemnly, and takes a drink from his water pistol. Jill worriedly glances at the darkened bathroom doorway. "YOU OK IN THERE, CHRIS?" she screams.
"IT SMELLS LIKE POO IN HERE!" Chris yells back. A few moments later, he stumbles out of the bathroom, waving a lit match and looking like he's just sucked on a rotten lemon. "For the love of...GAAH...EW.. Smells like...carrots in throwup!" Chris plants a hand against the hallway wall, doubling over and making dryheaving noises. "Huuaa...HUAAA-A-A-AAeeeeegh! HUAAAH..." Jill frowns in concern and pats his back.
"But you're good to go now?" she asks timidly.
Chris stands upright immediately, brushing himself off as if nothing had happened. "Yeah, I peed. It was good."
Barry nods several times in a row. "A-ok! Let's saddle up and go find out what that huge monstrous roar was!"
"Wait a minute!" Chris barks suddenly. His face softens to a confused expression as he looks from side to side. "...Where's Billy?"
A moment of silence passes. Jill takes a deep breath and gives a wide-eyed 'I don't know!' look, complete with exaggerated, open-mouthed frown.
(nearby)
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Annette cries, before popping another weird painkiller/stimulant into her mouth for no reason.
William slaps her.
Rebecca is thoroughly checking Anthony over for any other injuries, while Sherry watches from a slight distance and growls when the young medic appears to be getting a bit too frisky.
Brad's still unconscious. Actually, he did wake up for a moment but then Plant42 roared again and he fainted.
Anthony obediently lays on his back, remaining still as Rebecca lifts his arm, drops it, lifts it again, drops it again, and makes a few notes in her medical journal while glaring in stern concentration. "What about you?" Anthony asks, glancing at Rebecca.
"Huh?" the young field medic gawks, looking up from her notes, which are actually a jumble of tic-tac-toe games and doodles of stick figures with hearts between them.
Anthony props himself up on one elbow, smiling softly. "Do you have any injuries? I should give you a look-over."
Rebecca blushes like a cherry blossom (DAWW AIN'T THAT KEE-YUTE) and rubs the back of her head. "Oh, I'm fine!" she insists.
"Really? What about...here?" Anthony sits up and pokes Rebecca's sides with his index fingers. She giggles and swats his hands away playfully. Anthony chuckles and starts tickling her. Rebecca breaks into a fit of giggling as she tries to fight him off.
"HEY!" Sherry screams, interrupting them. "If you two FRUITCAKES are done playing DOCTOR, then I suggest we get a MOVE ON."
Rebecca sighs, and is about to reply when Billy shows up all of a sudden. "Billy!" she exclaims. "What are YOU doing here? And did you guys find out what made that awful noise?"
The muscled ex-marine shrugs. "I dunno. I was just uh...coming here to uh..." he looks around the lounge. "SHERRY! I was here to see Sherry." To everyone's shock, Billy runs over and scoops the twelve-year-old up in his arms. "Hey honey."
"Oh my g-.." Rebecca can't even finish the sentence.
"Whoa..." Anthony comments simply, looking traumatized.
Sherry seems surprised as well. "Uh, hi..."
"Hi there sweetie," Billy coos, grinning smugly. He then sets Sherry down and pats her head as he leans towards Rebecca. "Jealous? Huh? Little envy there? Hmm? Feeling a little green, are we?"
"Not...really..." Rebecca replies, still in shock at Billy's outrageous actions.
William is up in Billy's face in an instant, huffing and puffing angrily. "Stay...away...from...my...daughter," he growls.
Billy furrows his brow. "Pff...what are YOU gonna do about it?"
In a split second, William suddenly transforms into his hulking stage 2 g-type mutant form.
Billy stares at him with wide eyes for one full moment, and then lets out a shrill, girlish scream.
(Horrible violence ensues.)
(MEANWHILE, ELSEWHERE)
Lily and Lott have resorted to sticking the magic markers up Fong's nose. She's still asleep. Bruce is wagon-sick and puking out the side. Vincent is writing in his journal and reading aloud as he scrawls each word furiously.
"Dear Diary...still on this stupid wagon, with these STUPID people!" Then, in a lower voice as he huddles closer to his paper and peers around nervously, "Farted twice on the way down that last hill. I think I have to poo but I don't want to make a fuss about it. Someone will laugh at me, undoubtedly…" Vincent straightens up then, raising his voice once more. "And also, everyone on this wagon is a big fat dummyhead!"
The others regard him with dull stares and annoyed facial expressions. Bruce nods towards Vincent. "Do somethin' about it."
"YOU do something!" Vincent retorts angrily.
Bruce sits up in the wagon, setting his jaw. "YOU."
"FINE." Vincent throws his diary out of the wagon. Ark trips on it and falls backwards into the wagon. The entire group screams their heads off as the wagon careens down the hill and then up another hill. Their cries of horror echo across the ravine below as the wagon flies into the open air, soars in a stomach-churning arc, and then plummets…
(meanwhile… … …………………………………………………..!...)
Everyone is walking behind Leon. He's doing some kind of pimp walk which looks really odd out in the middle of the desert. The order is: Leon, Claire, Ada, Ashley, Steve, Luis (still with the duct tape across his mouth).
"Uh, 'SCUSE me," Ashley blurts, pushing her way past the other two women. They stumble aside and toss her angry looks as she prances to the front and takes the spot after Leon. Then, smiling brightly, she skips and hops merrily behind the special agent.
"As IF," Claire growls, shoving Ashley out of the way. The blonde is flung aside with a squeal of surprise. Claire hooks her thumbs into the belt loops of her shorts and lets her shoulders sag as she marches lethargically behind Leon.
"Don't think so," Ada mumbles, ducking low and popping up between Claire's legs, standing up abruptly then and dumping her behind. Claire shrieks in surprised rage, collapsing to the sand as Ada takes her place with a seductive strut.
"Out of my way!" Steve squeaks, plowing through the ladies until HE is behind Leon. Steve then mimics Leon's pimp walk with surprising accuracy.
"MMMHH! MMM!" Luis staggers forward, but he falls off a cliff.
Leon finally turns around to see what all the fuss is about. He sees everyone squabbling amongst themselves. "Alright guys, ALRIGHT! Come on now, SETTLE DOWN!" Everyone stops fighting and watches Leon. "How are we going to decide who gets to walk behind me?"
Kamesen is there suddenly, staring at the group with a bland expression on his face as he crams his hands into his pockets. "…Underwear pillow fight. Claire and Ashley. Go."
Ashley and Claire blush furiously, glance at each other, and then quickly look away. "I don't think that's going to be necessary," Claire notes aloud.
"Oh I think it is," Kamesen argues. "Remember, this is for Resident Evil 5."
A few awkward moments pass. Steve is gasping like an early nineties schoolgirl at a New Kids On The Block concert and clapping retardedly. "Steve, you can't watch." Steve slowly stops clapping, and lowers his head with a dejected 'awww' before turning around.
Claire and Ashley both sigh and realize that the author has awesome powers over their actions. They begin to strip their clothing off-
(LOL, MEANWHILE)
"Uuuhn…" Wesker groans, opening his eyes halfway. "Mrs. Butterworth?" he stutters. The room is very blurry in front of him. He can't move his arms. Struggling weakly, Wesker realizes that he is tied to a bed by his wrists and ankles. The only thing he's wearing are his prized Mickey Mouse boxers.
He struggles a bit more frantically as he comes to this horrid realization. And then the memories start flooding back. He'd been escorting Alpha Team to Japan in order to purchase Resident Evil 5… The bus had crashed…somehow… And then…walking…walking…finding an abandoned…thing…getting knocked out…somehow… Wesker Chick… WESKER CHICK?
Wesker's struggles become violent in nature. "MUST…ESCAPE," he frantically grunts, out loud for some reason. As he futilely flails and writhes, Wesker's paranoid eyes glance from left to right, noting signature items around the room. Metal hand restraints on the wall. S&M gear slung over a bondage chair. A bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's Homestyle Butterscotch syrup on the nightstand.
Footsteps sound outside the doorway.
Wesker freezes for a moment, heart pounding. Silence now. He lets out the breath he was holding-
BAM! Wesker Chick kicks down the door for some reason! She is grinning ear-to-ear, and her eyes hold a psychotic excitement that rivals Annette's painkiller-induced crazy gaze from RE2.
"HONEY!" Wesker Chick yells, brandishing a pair of pancake tongs (what the hell?) in one hand and a bowl of batter in the other, "I'M HOOO-OOOME!"
Wesker faints.
(oh dear. Um, anyway…elsewhere…)
Jill pulls back the slide on her 9mm and lets it go, chambering a round. "One for the money…"
Chris whirls his gun several times before grabbing the butt (hehe…'butt') and smirking. "Two for the show…"
Barry just stares off at nothing for a moment, lapping at a tiny stream of water from his water pistol. "…Three to get ready…" he notes aloud.
Billy hobbles up on crutches, severely beaten to crap. "Fuh…four…to g-…g-…go." He stumbles past the others and collapses against a nearby door, knocking it down.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAARH!" something screams! Good heavens!
Jill, Chris, and Barry peek into the room from various angles through the doorway as Billy just lays there on the floor. The room that they are staring into is quite large, with a high ceiling and a fireplace even. In the center of this giant room…is a giant plant! And on that giant plant…is a giant mouth!
Barry glares in horror. "…and if you give the giant plant a giant cookie…he will ask for a giant milk!"
Chris and Jill try their best to ignore Barry; instead concentrating on shooting the plant. It growls and belches as 9mm bullets slam into its huge…green…plant body thing. Billy just sort of lays there and tries not to get eaten.
Within moments, it is obvious that the giant plant is impervious to bullets, mostly. It's just really pissed off now.
"DAMN it!" Chris yells, reloading as he ducks under a large vine that strikes at him. "We're knee deep in plant fodder if we can't beat this thing!"
Jill quickly ducks as well, reaching up only to grab her beret, which is comically spinning around in the air where her head used to be. She reloads as well and throws a glance to Chris. "Why are we even FIGHTING this thing?" she asks.
Chris rolls his eyes in exasperation. "Jeez, Jill, come on! The buses are OBVIOUSLY on the other side of this giant-ass plant! We HAVE to fight it! DUU-UU-UUH!"
Jill just pouts like a five-year-old and returns to shooting at the plant. But she freezes in horror as she sees what is happening now. "BARRY NO!"
Barry, incoherently screaming the names of random Smurfs/Dwarves, is running forward to face the plant one-on-one.
Chris falls to his knees, throwing both arms out helplessly. "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!1111"
"RAAAH!" Barry yells, glomping the plant and administering a mighty 'CHOMP!'
"OWWIE!" the plant screams. Then, with a gut-wrenching monstrous bellow, it slams onto the floor, dead.
Then it disintegrates in like half a second.
Barry sits up, and belches. "LOOK at those MONSTERS," he mumbles. Jill and Chris run up to him. Even Billy manages to hobble over.
"Dude, like…what the hell just happened?" Billy asks.
Barry, still sitting, turns his head to look at the ex-marine. "Dude, like…I totally don't know."
"I think I can explain," a voice says.
With a collective gasp of shock/wonder, the group jumps up and spins around to face none other than WILLIAM BIRKIN (who has de-transformed back into a regular human, and is wearing is lab outfit again somehow.) Billy whimpers and hides behind Jill.
No one talks for a couple of moments.
Chris finally clears his throat. "Ok, so uh…explain away."
William blinks in momentary confusion. "Oh, uh…right. Ok. Like uh…hang on, lemme see that." He walks over and reaches for Barry's water pistol. The bearded S.T.A.R.S. member scowls like an angry child and lets out a sharp, tight-lipped 'MMMMN!' of disapproval. William just rolls his eyes and opts to take a sample of the destroyed Plant 42's remains instead.
Meanwhile, Annette runs into the room with Brad on her back. She dumps the unconscious man onto the floor, slams her foot into his ribs a few times, shouts at him, throws a bottle at him, and then stalks viciously over to the other side of the room in a violent huff.
Rebecca and Anthony walk in then, chatting quietly to one another and chuckling every so often. Sherry walks in right after them, fuming. She makes an unintelligible jealous/enraged noise at Anthony and Rebecca, goes over to Brad, kicks the unconscious man in the ribs a few times, hits him with a notebook, sticks thumbtacks in his pockets, beats him with a wiffle bat, and then stalks viciously over to where Annette is and paces angrily around that side of the room.
Anthony and Rebecca share a moment of awkward silence at the odd scene, and then continue chatting.
"OK ok ok check it," William says, still talking strangely out of character for some reason. He holds up two test tubes. "These…are test tubes," he announces bluntly.
"WHOA!" Chris screams. "WHOA." He jumps up from where he and Jill were playing tiddlywinks to pass the time. "No WAY, man! No WAY, MAN! That's…that's frigging CRAZY!" The young ex-pilot grabs the sides of his head, walking in circles. "I don't believe it! TEST TUBES? REALLY? GET OUT."
William does not look amused. "Yes, test tubes. And they're filled with Diet Juvi Juice and dead plant cells."
Everyone just sort of stares at the scientist. Annette is too busy cursing and kicking the wall randomly to cheer and applaud her husband's discovery.
William clears his throat again. "Yes, well…anyway, it seems that Plant 42 is toxically allergic to Diet Juvi juice. And since Barry has obviously been drinking that juice out of his gun, he transferred the substance to the plant when he bit it."
Jill blinks in bewilderment. "How do you KNOW all this?" she asks.
"AHA!" Rebecca screams suddenly, making everyone jump. She'd been listening in… Now, she stalks towards William with a triumphant smirk. "It's because…HE'S A TRAITOR!" With a quick motion, she grabs the man's face and pulls. It comes off like a mask, revealing monster Birkin's face beneath. Monster Birkin growls demonically, and Rebecca releases a high-pitched scream of terror. She quickly replaces the man's face and backs away.
William sighs in annoyance. "No, I'm not a traitor, you retard. I'm simply…a GENIUS." He pauses for a moment to pose heroically.
Anthony claps three times and then abruptly stops. "Alright, awesome. Let's get our gear together and get to the buses." He starts for the door behind where Plant 42 had been, but Chris stops him.
"You're not the boss; I am," Chris states firmly. Anthony shrugs and nods. A few moments pass as Chris surveys the team. "…….Ok, let's get to the buses...with the gear and stuff." Everyone springs lethargically into action.
William coaxes the ranting Annette towards the door with a shiny new bottle of painkillers. Chris and Jill headbutt each other, exchange enthusiastic heavy-metal screams, and head for the door as well. Barry slings Brad over one shoulder and makes his way towards the exit too, with Billy hobbling behind and grumbling quietly. Rebecca and Anthony trail behind, chatting once more and exchanging goofy faces and chuckles. Sherry stomps along behind the two, setting her jaw in frustration and growling the whole way.
Beyond them lay beautiful buses of freedom…
(and now the loose ends of the chapter)
"Alexiaaa," Alfred groans, digging his finger out of an empty jar of peanut butter. "We're out of peanut butteeerrr!" He frowns as his sister shoots him a psychotic scowl.
"ALFRED!" she screams. "ADDRESS YOUR MORTAL CONCERNS TO SOMEONE WHO GIVES A DAMN."
Alfred throws the empty container down in a fit, and stomps away from his dinky little throne. He pauses at the bottom of the steps, and turns to glare at his sister. "It USED to be about the MUSIC." Alfred seethes. With that, he spins on his heel and stalks out of the chamber.
Alexia just growls with her mouth open and grabs at the air in a primal fashion.
(elsewhere…)
"We'll NEVER get out of this stupid ocean!" Morpheus cries.
"Oh DO shut up," Marcus pleads, rolling his eyes.
Nemesis just belches and then waves the air in disgust.
Suddenly, the three of them turn and notice something in the water nearby. It's…IT's…IT'S…
(A CLIFFHANGAR! Lol. Meanwhile…)
"We'll NEVER get out of this stupid jungle!" Mikhail whines.
"Shut your el moutho!" Carlos grunts, picking his nose.
Hunk just takes a drag of his cigarette and blows the smoke out of his nostrils. Then he ducks to avoid another pot shot from Nikolai.
Suddenly, the three of them turn and notice something in the trees nearby. It's…IT'S…IT'S…
(ANOTHER CLIFFHANGAR! LOL!)
Alright! Thank you all very much for reading, and thanks a lot to those who reviewed as well! I love reading your reviews; and I am always open to constructive criticism and especially to suggestions! Speaking of suggestions… Got any ideas for new vehicles? Namely, what do you think Carlos & co. /Nemmy & crew found? A submarine? A jeep? YOU decide! This should be fun.
In the meantime, what will happen to the main group? After defeating Plant 42, they seem to have found more buses with which to transport themselves! Hoorah! But one-sided tensions are rising fast between Sherry, Anthony and Rebecca! Does anyone else in the group even care? What about Ark and the gang? Holy crap. Find out next time, on 'RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST'! Oh and also find out what happens to Leon and co., with the underwear pillowfight and whatnot, blah blah. AND WESKER! POOR, POOR, LUCKY WESKER.
p.s: sorry for the long wait. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! ((nervous chuckle))