CHAPTER 16

Zoe put in a call for her car service to pick them up. Meanwhile, Iris and Meg exchanged phone numbers and a quick timeline to get things going. All four women felt relief that something was actually being done to bring John Reese 'back'.

As the car pulled away from the clinic, Iris reached over and took Zoe's hand, squeezing it tightly.

"I have no words to thank you enough for what you have done." As happy tears rolled down her face Iris continued, "After all this time to find out he is alive. And how easily he could have completely slipped away from us…...but he IS alive! He did NOT die!"

Wiping the tears from her face, Iris suddenly frowned. "We need to let Harold know! And Sameen and Lionel!" But then she paused, "No…... maybe not yet." Again Iris was back into 'doctor mode', working things out as she spoke to herself. "Maybe it would be best to wait. He's going to be even more confused when we come back tomorrow." She looked at Zoe for affirmation.

Zoe nodded and Iris continued, "I won't know anything for sure til I talk to him, but I have a feeling, from Meg's description, that his mental state is rather fragile right now. I think too many 'unknowns' at one time will do more harm than good." Pausing again, Iris marshalled her thoughts over the events in the last couple of hours. She couldn't help but play out into the near future. So much had changed since Zoe called her only hours ago! Quick on the heels of that thought was also a reminder of how much her world had changed when Zoe called to tell her that John had died. John was not going to be the only one who would have the weight of a new world thrust upon them. She made a mental note to watch herself for the signs of stress. She wouldn't be able to take care of John, she might actually do him more harm, if she wasn't ready to take on all the baggage that came from caring for a man like John Reese.

Looking over at Zoe, Iris smiled "Thank you so much for being such a wonderful friend to John. You never gave up hope. I did, Harold did. Sameen and Lionel did. But you didn't." Once again she gave Zoe's had a tight squeeze. Zoe smiled back and squeezed her hand in understanding.

For Zoe's part, she looked at Iris and saw the love she obviously had for John. John had told her a little about his relationship with Iris but he'd always been rather vague. But she'd known he had feelings for Iris before even HE knew he had feelings for her.

"John is a very special man in many ways. He means different things to different people." She watched Iris's face to try and gauge the best way to ask something she had long been curious about. Finally she decided to just ask, "When did your relationship with John change?"

Iris sat up straight and pulled her hand back into her own lap. Her lips came together tightly and her eyes took on an inward stare. Zoe knew she'd touched on something very sensitive in Iris. She didn't want to bring any further emotional turmoil after all that had happened today….. Zoe knew she had to be sure that what John had with Iris, that it would help him to get better, not leave him worse off than he was now. She needed the details and frankly, as a woman John had once had feelings for, Zoe needed to hear it herself.

Iris seemed to be having an internal argument …..with herself. Emotions were flowing over her face, no one particular one seemed to hold sway over the others. Leaning back against the car seat, Iris closed her eyes and seemed to withdraw into herself. Zoe held her breath, hoping she had done the right thing by asking; it just felt important to know.

Zoe's stock and trade had been in watching, observing and reading people. She had gotten to know Iris rather well in the last couple of weeks. The pain of loss knew no barriers. She had watched Iris take care of them all, their mental and emotional well-being. Iris had given herself unselfishly for people she had just met based solely on their connection to John. Yet of all of them, Zoe had been the only one to see Iris give into her own personal loss. Iris had been strong and showed a capable, friendly, understanding side to her impromptu patients, Harold, Sameen and Lionel. But Zoe couldn't help but wonder who Iris HERSELF talked to. What was that saying.. Physician heal thyself? Zoe felt that she was about to find out.

Iris opened her eyes but didn't turn to look at Zoe. She started talking in a monotone but that didn't last long. The deep pain bled its way into her voice.

"I realized I was having feelings for John. Which was wrong. Very, very wrong. I found myself looking forward more and more to our sessions. There was so much to admire about him. He truly is a good man but he did have a 'hero complex' ….apparently from a very young age."...her voice trailed off in distraction as she relived some of their sessions.

Finding her voice again, she continued. "The more I learned about him, the more I wanted to know. He was making great progress. He was finally opening up and really talking to me." Again she paused but this time there was a smile of memory on her face. But it lasted only for a moment and then a frown appeared and her shoulders slumped.

"I knew that my feelings were wrong, unethical. You learn that in medical school and as I got further into my field of psychiatry you are told to never get involved with a patient. It is hammered into you repeatedly." Now it seemed that Iris was talking more to herself than Zoe. "I had to stop our sessions before my feelings began to show."

Once again Iris fell silent as her thoughts went back to 'that' day. "I told John that I was going to transfer him as a patient to a colleague. That we had gone as far as we could but that he needed to continue seeing a doctor." Iris looked down, biting her lower lip. "I can still see his face when I told him….." Closing her eyes she tried to control the feelings that this particular memory brought up. "He's very good at hiding what he is thinking and feeling…...but for that one moment…after I told him….he looked so lost, so... hurt." her voice trailed off into a whisper. "But he shut down completely. He got that bland, blank look on his face. All he said was 'fine' and turned and walked away."

Zoe slowly reached out and took Iris's hand in hers once again. Sharing her strength with her.

Iris gripped Zoe's hand tightly but didn't look at her.

"After that, he avoided me. He would see me in the hall in the precinct and turn around and walk away. If he saw me in the squad room, he'd turn his back on me." The pain of that memory came through Iris's voice. "When I'd try to speak to him he'd turn even colder and walk away, He was so angry…so withdrawn".

Raising her head Iris watched at the streets of NYC passed by. Looking at the passing scene she seemed to come to a decision. Turning to face Zoe, she found compassion staring back at her.. Not the judgement she'd expected…but rather compassion.

"I was watching all the hard work we had done, all the progress he had made disappear. I just couldn't let that happen! I couldn't!" said Iris with tears in her eyes.

"I realized then that all he knew was that I no longer wanted him as a patient. That after he had finally opened up to someone, told them about his past, his deepest, darkest secrets, that that person no longer wanted to be associated with him, to have contact with him. And that someone was me….." Bowing her head, she let the tears fall. "I can only imagine the anger, the bewilderment, the hurt he must have been feeling. I had gotten him to talk and then turned him away..." Sobs of recrimination wracked Iris's body and mind. Zoe sat there, holding her hand and letting the Iris cry away over what had happened.. Eventually, the tears lessened although looking at the woman in front of her, she knew the feelings had not. Zoe tried not to judge the ethics of what Iris had done; God knew she couldn't throw stones, and yet…. Zoe took a deep breath and a thought occurred to her. If Iris hadn't acted on her feelings, where would John be now? He never would have known those few weeks of peace he'd gotten when he was with Iris. And if this didn't work, if John never regained his memories, they might be the ONLY ones his damaged brain would ever let him have as he searched for himself in the darkness. So no, Zoe couldn't, wouldn't begrudge either of them for the feelings they had for one another.

By then the car had arrived at Iris's apartment. Zoe handled the payment and sent the driver off. She walked inside and rode the elevator up with Iris. She was glad there was no one around. Iris was in no shape to see anyone. Zoe wasn't even sure Iris wanted her here. But she knew she couldn't let Iris be alone right now. Not after the visit to the clinic, finding John and now finally telling someone, about her relationship with John.

Being in charge was second nature to Zoe. She held her hand out to Iris for the key. Iris fished it out of her purse and handed it to Zoe. Opening the door, Zoe let them both in quietly. Shutting the door she turned around to see Iris just standing in the middle of the room. Zoe recognized emotional exhaustion when she saw it. She urged Iris to go take a shower and get comfortable. She assured her she'd be here when Iris was done.

Watching Iris walk slowly into the bedroom, Zoe slowly shook her head. This was not good. She needed Iris. JOHN needed Iris. Meg had admitted to her that she felt the PTSD diagnosis was the right one AND that she was out of her depth in being able to treat something like that. Iris was the best person for the job.

Walking into the kitchen Zoe looked to see if Iris had added any alcohol to her shopping list. Once again…..that particular cupboard was bare. Using her phone Zoe called her favorite liquor store to have them deliver. She ordered a bottle of merlot and a fifth of John's favorite whiskey. She'd developed a taste for it. She told them that there was an extra 20.00 if they could delivery within 30 minutes.

Walking back into the living room she could hear the shower running. Thinking that what Iris needed was either a glass of wine or good stiff drink and then sleep, she went into the bedroom to turn down the bed.

Lifting the pillow to pull the sheet down, Zoe discovered the shirt. John's shirt. The one that Iris had held onto that awful night that she came to tell her about his death. Finding it hidden under the pillow moved Zoe like nothing else had. She looked toward the closed bathroom door and vowed to herself that things would work out….for everybody.

Putting the shirt back under the pillow, she folded down the sheet and the comforter to make the bed look more inviting and comfortable. Turning the bedside light on, she walked out the door and turned off the overhead light.

A light tapping on the door about 15 minutes later and the wine and whiskey were delivered. Zoe paid handsomely for the quick service. Taking the bottles into the kitchen she poured herself three fingers of whiskey. Taking a sip she walked back in the living room and waited for Iris.

Iris came out of the bedroom in comfy pajamas and her hair wrapped in a towel. Her eyes looked too big for her face, the sadness over the current conversation overshadowing the happiness of a few hours ago. Standing at the doorway she looked lost . Zoe motioned to her to come over and patted the couch next to her.

Once Iris was seated, Zoe told her, "I took the liberty of ordering in some alcohol since you seemed to be fresh out." Watching her reaction Zoe was heartened to see the ghost of a smile.

"What did you get?"

"Something good!" replied Zoe. "I've got a nice bottle of merlot and a bottle of whiskey in the kitchen. Which would you prefer?"

Iris thought for a moment and the said "Normally I'd probably prefer the wine, but after a day like today, I think it's going to take a good, strong whiskey would be in order."

Zoe's eyebrows shot up in surprise. She never would have thought Iris would drink whiskey. "It was John's favorite drink the few times we had something here. I developed a slight taste for it." said Iris with a smile.

Zoe smiled and got up and went to the kitchen. She returned quickly with another glass of whiskey and she'd refilled hers and had the bottle under her arm.. Handing Iris her glass, she held up her own glass,

"To John Reese, may he never have secrets again!" and then clinked glasses. After taking a sip, Iris held up her glass to Zoe "or never having a need for secrets again!' and they clinked once more before both women downed the whiskey on one swallow.

Zoe quickly refilled both glasses and sat back. Iris removed the towel from her hair and towel dried her hair. Running her fingers through it she just left it down. Taking another sip of the whiskey she looked at Zoe. "Do you want to know the rest of the story?"

"I sure as hell do!" said Zoe with a smile.

"I realized that I had taken the coward's way out of a sticky, ethical position. I had chosen to run from my feelings instead of controlling them for the sake of my patient. By turning away John and forcing him to go to another doctor, I was sending the wrong message at the worst possible time. John had just started really opening up and talking to me. Truly talking to me and I had shot him down…..literally and figuratively.

Taking a big sip of the whiskey, Iris made a face. "Since I had done the damage to him I had to be the one to explain that it was NOT him that was the problem. And I had to get stern with him because he was becoming very good at ignoring me." Irish finished up the glass of whiskey with two bigs swallows.

"I think I need some more liquid courage to be able to tell you the rest of this….." Iris said, holding out the empty glass.

Quickly complying, Zoe refilled both glasses and sat back.

"Because John wouldn't speak to me, I actually had to demand that he come see me in my office. He had been doing an excellent job of ignoring me."

Taking a sip from her glass, Iris made another face and then gave Zoe a half smile. "I will learn to like this stuff…eventually"

Holding the glass with both hands, Iris appeared to be deep in thought, reliving that all important moment when things had changed between them.

"I tried to be professional about why I had stopped our sessions. I told him I should have told him the truth….that it was for his own protection." Iris sat there, slowly shaking her head side to side, reliving the moment. Reliving the fear that she had done irreparable harm in her handling of their…..her situation. "I was being a coward…."

Zoe said nothing, waiting for Iris to continue. She had the distinct impression that this was the first time Iris had spoken about this. Seeing it in the cold light of day…

"He just stood there looking at me, waiting for me to continue." Taking another sip of the whiskey seemed to drag her back out of the past. "He was standing by the door, so stiff, unyielding…...resistant. The look on his face was unreadable. He was completely closed off from me. It felt like all those sessions where he slowly relaxed and had been willing to talk about his past had never happened. That we were literally back at square one.." Looking over at Zoe, she continued. "And that hurt. It had taken so much to get him to let down those barriers he'd been building for all those years. It was a defense mechanism that took both of us to breech. And I had caused him to retreat behind those walls again: All because I didn't trust myself around him."

"I told him that I stopped our session for his own protection. That it was not because of anything from his past. That nothing he'd told me would make me run from him. I knew that was what he'd thought. It was so like him to go back to thinking that he was a monster."

Again Iris paused, closing her eyes as tears slowly rolled down her cheeks. "I can still hear his voice when he asked "Then you're not afraid of me?" as her voice trailed off.

Zoe could easily see the scene unfolding in front of her. The only time she had seen John look lost was when he came to her after breaking up with Iris. Now she understood. John trusted very few people and even those few knew very little about him. Whether it was from his CIA training or just his natural instincts, he excelled at compartmentalizing his feelings. She could easily see his hurt and bewilderment over being 'let go' by Iris when he had literally bared his soul. Iris was correct, he would definitely fall back into that mindset that… and then he'd let Iris go. And she knew very well his defense mechanisms to handle that type of pain. He'd used them with her, although to a lesser degree since he knew she could handle herself in most types of danger.

Watching Iris, Zoe was surprised by the sudden smile on her face. Obviously the woman's thoughts had come to a happier moment.

"My answer surprised him. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you that doesn't happen very often with a man like John Reese."

"I told him yes, I was afraid of him….I was afraid of the feelings I had for him. That most definitely was not what he was expecting. I truly think he was speechless. All he said was 'Oh'..."

"I remember that I rambled on about how wrong and unethical it was for me to have feelings for a patient, to get involved with a patient.. That I could lose my job, a job that I loved, but that I kept finding that every time I was with him I would feel….."

Iris paused so long that Zoe leaned closer to see her face and smiled. Iris was actually blushing. Blushing at a memory!

Seeing Zoe lean toward her, Iris smiled and said, "So I said to hell with it…..and I walked up to him and kissed him. It was wrong, but it felt so right. I pulled away because I had crossed that line…but…"

Once again Iris was wrapped up deeply in a memory. Zoe had to know how it ended so she patted her on the arm and said "And?"

"He grabbed my hand and stopped me from walking away. And he kissed me. But it was what he meant when he reminded me that he was pretty good at keeping secrets… it made all the difference. He was telling me that even if no one else in the world thought my feelings for him were acceptable, HE thought they were alright and that he returned them. And then he kissed me again…"

Watching Iris, Zoe got the impression that a great weight had been lifted off of her. Something that Iris may not even have realized was there, but had been weighing her down.

"I can only tell you, from my point of view, that you were a positive influence on John." Zoe told her. "There was a serenity to him that I had never seen. An inner peace. He actually seemed happy. I didn't see him as frequently as I used to but the change was noticeable to me. For John's sake, I think you did the right thing. For your sake, I think you did the right thing." Pausing to collect her thoughts after this revelation, Zoe looked at Iris and smiled. "For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing for both of you. Others may not think so, but the only ones who matter are you and John."

The smile that lit up Iris's face was as heart-breaking as it was breath-taking. Zoe felt like she had hit upon Iris's biggest worry about her relationship with John. To finally have someone who knew the history between both of them and was on their side meant everything to her.

Taking the last sip of the whiskey, Iris's eyes took on a sleepy look. Zoe noticed immediately and stood up and made the announcement that it was time for Iris to get some sleep and that she had some things to do to get ready to bring John home.

Iris stood up and walked Zoe to the door. Before opening it she hugged Zoe tightly. "Thank you for being John's friend and believing him and thank you for being my friend"

Zoe got misty eyed hearing the love in Iris's voice when she hugged her. "We've got him back physically…..now we are going to get him back the rest of the way."

Iris locked the door behind Zoe and took the two whiskey glasses back to the kitchen. Turning off the light she realized just how lonely she had been. Zoe was a force all her own. She easily filled the vacuum with her personality. She was an amazing woman. And if it were not for her they would probably never have found John.

Going into her bedroom she climbed into bed. Reaching under her pillow, she pulled out John's shirt and hugged it tight. Tomorrow was going to be a very emotional day for all of them.