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Chapter 17: Sweet New Ride

Christopher F. Redfield stands in the doorway of the bus station's spacious garage and blinks. Once, twice, three times. He cocks his head slightly, and begins to drool. "I...I can't remember...what I was doing..." the Alpha team leader (Wesker is still uh…tied up) whispers musically.

"Gee," Jill Valentine snaps, "I wonder if it's because a certain AUTHOR named KAMESEN hasn't UPDATED this STORY in MONTHS." The blue-eyed badass female cop spins around, facing the others in the group. "HUH!? DO YA THINK THAT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT?!" Barry (carrying Brad), William and Annette, Billy, Rebecca, Anthony, and Sherry just stare uncomfortably at her.

"OK ok ok," Chris calls out, settling everyone down. "The reason we're here is that we must find a way to reach Japan in time to buy 'Resident Evil 5'." Everyone nods in agreement. "Good," Chris finishes, with an extra firm nod of his own. He then turns and kicks down the door to the garage even though it's already open.

Before the team rests a brand new yellow school bus.

Billy lets out a laugh which quickly dies out as he looks around at everyone else.

Rebecca lets out something between a whimper and a chuckle.

Brad regains consciousness for two seconds, sees the schoolbus, and faints again to Barry's dismay.

"I am NOT riding on that thing!" Annette proclaims loudly, earning a backhanded slap across the face from William.

Chris takes a deep breath. "Alright ALRIGHT alright alright alright. Alright." He calms everyone down again. "We have no choice. This bus is watertight and lightweight. It's got everything we need to finish this journey. Now let's DO it!" he cries.

Everyone just sort of half-raises a fist into the air and groans their hesitant approval before piling onto the bus.

Barry dumps Brad into the back left seat and then plops down in the adjacent one. Billy (still rather banged up from getting the living daylights beaten out of him by William after hitting on Sherry (see previous chapters)) hobbles near the back of the bus and takes a seat.

Chris bravely takes the driver's seat, and Jill determinedly stands next to him, glaring out the windshield as if they were flying down the highway at 80 miles per hour. William and Annette grab a middle seat, Annette arguing the design flaws of a school bus's framework while William plugs his ears and loudly sings 'The Little Mermaid' theme songs in monotone.

Anthony and Rebecca take a seat together up front, quietly talking. Suddenly, Anthony looks down to see Sherry sitting in his lap. "What are you doing," he demands, exasperated. Sherry turns to face him. "That'll be five dollars," she counter-demands. Anthony grimaces in confusion and discomfort. "Get offa me!" he yells. Sherry juts her lower jaw out, scowling as she shuffles out of the seat and stomps towards the back of the bus.

"All abooooAAAARD!" Chris calls out, tooting an imaginary whistle. He starts the bus, and Alpha team (and co.) heads out into the night...

ooo

Carlos Oliviera stares quietly at the two 'Power Wheels' jeeps sitting pristinely in the jungle clearing.

"No," Hunk remarks simply. "Just no." He starts walking away. Mikhail stays with Carlos.

A few minutes later, Hunk is walking along the treeline when he hears the sound of tiny electric motors in the distance. Turning around, (and also ducking under another of Nikolai's sniper shots, earning a 'DANG IT!!' from the distance), Hunk sees Carlos and Mikhail zooming steadily along the grass in their Power Wheels jeeps.

"I don't believe this," Hunk mutters, lighting up a cigarette as Carlos and Mikhail rumble on over to him and come to a stop next to the black-clad man. Both men are sitting with their knees practically drawn up to their chests, crammed into the tiny children's toys. Mikhail gives his jeep's horn a honk. 'meep meep!' the horn sounds. Mikhail chuckles in amusement. Hunk rubs the bridge of his nose in silent misery.

"Come on, Hunk!" Carlos begs. "Get in! It sure beats walking, amigo."

After a few hours of cursing, pacing, muttering, and cigarette smoking, Hunk finally gives in. "Alright, fine. But there's no room for two in those things. Mikhail, you're riding on the hood."

ooo

Claire and Ashley are just finishing putting their clothes on as we rejoin Leon's team.

"That was one..good..pillowfight," Leon affirms numbly, nodding his head as he stares, transfixed. Ada slaps the back of his head, frowning vilely. Leon hisses in pain and promptly decks her. (Jeez, I need to cut back on the woman-bashing. I swear, I never hit women in real life! Or make them fight each other with pillows in their underwear. …Yeesh, now that I think about it, I must sound like a shallow, chauvinistic bastard.)

Claire sighs heavily. "Ok Leon, now what." she groans.

Leon nods sharply. "Good question, Claire-ee-doo!" he shrieks. Everyone covers their ears, except Steve who is jumping up and down and clapping excitedly (and Ada, who is unconscious). Leon points toward the horizon. "And the answer is...we keep walking."

Steve immediately stops clapping/jumping. He resorts instead to weeping softly. Claire just sighs and takes a step forward, but stops as Ashley grabs her shoulder. "Wait a minute, Claire!" the blonde shouts. "Haven't we walked enough?! I DEMAND to be CARRIED!"

Everyone stares at Ashley for five whole minutes.

(soon)

Leon grunts lightly with effort as he walks along, Ashley in his arms and Ada slung over one shoulder (still unconscious). Claire walks beside him, trying to keep from laughing.

"HEEEeeeeyyyy!!" Steve whines, "I wanna be carried TOOOoooo!!"

Claire points at Leon and bursts out laughing, unable to control herself. Leon grits his teeth in frustration and shakes his head at the sky...

(soon)

Claire Redfield glares wretchedly as she carries a satisfied Steve Burnside in her arms. "Wheee! This is the life!" Steve howls, clinging to the young woman's neck.

"I swear I'm going to burn this whole place to the ground," Claire seethes under her breath, trying to block out the off-key tune that both Ashley and Steve are trying to whistle. It doesn't occur to her that they are still in a desert.

"Anything," Leon huffs, shutting his eyes in a wishful expression, "ANYTHING! PLEASE SEND US A VEHICLE-OOF!!"

Everyone tumbles to the ground in a heap. "Ow, my ass bone," Claire mutters, pushing herself up off of the gritty sand as she rubs her arm.

Surprisingly, the violent tumble has awakened Ada. The Asian spy rubs her head for a moment before squinting at the ground. "Train tracks," she mumbles, pointing with her other hand.

Sure enough, there is a small set of train tracks half-buried in the sand. Leon stands up, helping the others to their feet. "Well what the heck are they doing all the way out-" He is cut off by a shrill hoot.

Everyone turns to stare at the tiny purple choo-choo train that huffs along the tracks, approaching them slowly.

ooo

Nobody likes the Gun Survivor characters, so they're all dead now. Except Morpheus because he's with Nemmy & co.

ooo

"A WHALE!!" Marcus cries, pointing at the gargantuan mammal that bursts up through the ocean surface. On its back rides Sephiroth, a penguin, and a zombie elephant.

"Are we hallucinating?" Morpheus speculates, waving a hand in front of Nemesis's face. Nemesis simply tries to eat the hand.

"CLIMB ABOARD, YA SCURVY SEADOGS!!" Sephiroth shouts boldly.

"QUACK!" says the penguin, holding out a fin. Nemesis, Marcus, and Morpheus all climb onto the whale's back.

"Starrs...staaaars.." Nemesis grumbles, saluting Sephiroth and the penguin in thanks. Sephiroth salutes back and grabs hold of his penguin friend. Together, they climb the elephant Lord of the Rings style and take off into the air on the animal.

Nemesis and crew can only watch in awe and wonder.

"Well," Marcus says with a smile, "we're off to Japan then."

The whale gives a big honk of approval and promptly dives underwater, cutting off the horrified screams of its three passengers.

ooo

Meanwhile, Wesker is laying chained to the bed as we left him, sobbing. Who KNOWS what horrors Wesker Chick has exposed him to?! I don't want to know. But it probably has something to do with Wesker, pancake batter, a waffle iron, and Mrs. Butterworth's butterscotch syrup.

Anyway, Wesker's freaking out like no tomorrow. Wesker Chick is in the kitchen downstairs, humming to herself as she whips up more delicious recipes. Suddenly, Wesker breaks the entire floor in a fit of terror! The floor, the bed, and Wesker crash into the kitchen, directly in front of Wesker Chick.

"FREEDOM!!" Wesker cries, delirious. "HORRIBLE HORRIBLE FREEDOM!"

"WeskyyyYYYY!!" Wesker Chick scolds, starting for him. But before she can lay a hand on the blonde beautiful bioweapon, Wesker leaps away from the rubble and sprints for the door. "WESKYYYYYYY!!!!!!"

Albert Wesker, donning nothing but sunglasses and Mickey Mouse boxer shorts, dashes across Wesker Chick's front lawn and hops onto one of her hovercrafts parked in the driveway. Hotwiring it in a matter of nanoseconds (this man works FAST when he's terrified), Wesker zooms away with Wesker Chick hot in pursuit on her snowmobile.

Author's note:
First of all, I apologize for not having updated in four months. There are many reasons for this, ranging from my term in the Air Force ending to my art school classes starting to me getting a girlfriend (gee who'd have thought THAT would ever happen again?) Anyway, I'm sorry if I let anyone down. I really am very grateful to have all of you readers enjoying my story, and I'll do my best to continue bringing you new chapters!

SO! The story continues. Looks like everyone has found a new mode of transportation! (I tried to fit in all the suggestions as best I could; sorry if I couldn't meet all of your standards. I did my best!)

And the race to Japan goes on. Will the good guys grab Resident Evil 5 first? Or will the evil-doers intervene?! Does it even MATTER?! Why are they fighting over a game in the first place?! And what the heck are Saddler and the Ashfords doing?! ((Alfred clings to a chandelier, screaming for his life as Alexia laughs evilly and hurls fire at him from below. Saddler just watches, crying.))

See what happens next time, on 'RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST!!' Please enjoy!