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Chapter Eighteen: Not Your Mother's Survival Horror

The standard buzz of jungle life is gradually replaced by the buzz of small electric motors. Hunk and Carlos zip along steadily in their Power Wheels jeeps, both men crammed in awkwardly with their knees pulled up to their chests. Carlos glares ahead in grim determination, occasionally honking the plastic horn. Hunk, meanwhile, is wishing that this journey would end before his sanity does.

Mikhail is unconscious, tied to the hood of Hunk's jeep with an apple stuffed between his teeth for good measure.

"So...what's the deal here?" Hunk asks over his Power Wheels jeep radio. "Are we the good guys? The bad guys?"

"Beats me, compadre," Carlos answers. He pulls up next to Hunk, the wind blowing his long Spanish hair around wildly. "As a U.B.C.S. member, it is my duty to do whatever Umbrella says, become caught up in a mysterious and intriguing plot by them to take over the world, and eventually turn against them and be killed. All for the sake of finding Resident Evil 5."

Hunk stares at his companion as the two of them race along in their little jeeps. "...Wow. Ok." The two of them zip along in silence for a while.

"Alright," Hunk huffs, flicking his cigarette into the wind. "This is taking too long. Let's do this thing." He slams flips the nitro switch and his Power Wheels jeep charges forward in an explosion of power. Carlos blinks in astonishment, and then does the same.

Two minutes later, Nikolai comes running up all ganky-like, huffing and puffing and wheezing as he clutches his rifle. "DAMNYOU...KEEDS...HHHHH...HHHH..." He collapses to his knees and starts crying.

ooo

Chris glares out the windshield intensely, gripping the steering wheel of the school bus with white-knuckled fervor. Jill stands hunched beside him, glaring as well and singing chase-scene theme music to keep him pumped. "DUN-dundundnddundudndnudnu-DUN DUN-dudnudndudndun-DUN DUN DUN-"

Barry sits right behind them in his seat, clutching two huge cymbals and banging them together every time Jill's 'song' reaches a peak. He too is glaring intensely, his jaw set with determination. For whatever reason, he has decided to bring Brad along with him. The Alpha pilot is asleep, but is jolted awake every time Barry bangs the cymbals.

Billy is stretched out in the middle of the bus, taking up two seats. He has ganked Chris's Gameboy, and is now playing 'Super Mario World'. He is holding the Gameboy upside-down and having a hell of a time.

William is in the back, occupying a makeshift bathroom stall that has been fitted into the school bus. Annette stands right outside the stall door, with one hand on her hip and the other hand banging relentlessly against the door. "Will you hurry up in there, you nincompoop?! Annette has a runny nose!"

"SILENCE, HARLOT!" William retorts, banging on his side of the stall door as if that would shut her up. Secretly, he hasn't been using the bathroom at all. Instead, he's simply been writing out scientific equations in glow-in-the-dark magic marker all over the inside of the stall.

"WHAT?!" Annette shrieks in disbelief. "How DARE you call me a harlot! I have remained faithful to you for-...for..." she falters, glancing at the ceiling as she tries to remember.

"HAH!" William hoots. "You can't even remember how long we've been married!"

"Yeah well neither can you!" Annette yells back. "Now COME OUT OF THERE!!"

William huffs a few times and then puffs his cheeks. He sticks his tongue out, and makes a slow and heavy farting noise with his mouth, tightening his lips at the end to raise the pitch.

Annette slowly backs away from the door, staring in open-mouthed horror as her eyes narrow. "OoooHHHH!! WILLIAAAAAAAAM!!!" She spins away from the bathroom stall and stomps angrily up the bus isle, muttering obscenities under her breath and swatting Chris's Gameboy out of Billy's hands as she walks by before randomly throwing herself into an empty seat and crossing her arms in anger. Billy mopes forlornly for a moment and then picks up the Gameboy to continue.

William snickers to himself from inside the stall.

"Jeez," Rebecca notes aloud. "Your parents are uh...pretty special, huh?" She, Anthony, and even Sherry have moved to the back of the bus and are taking part in a 3-way card game of 'war'.

"Yeah sure," Sherry replies hastily, setting her cards face down. "Look," she starts, glancing from Rebecca to Anthony and back, "we've apparently put aside our differences for the moment. Now, I realize that there's some sort of rudimentary romantic interest thing going on between you two-" Anthony frowns, anticipating the worst; he and Rebecca share worried glances as Sherry continues, "-so I'm willing to make a sacrifice. Threesome, right here, right now. Whaddaya say?"

The blood drains from Anthony's face. Rebecca just sort of inches away from Sherry uncomfortably, wincing. The 12-year-old girl looks from Rebecca to Anthony again, frowning as she notices their unenthusiastic expressions. "Aw COME ON!" Sherry pleads, throwing her hands in the air. "You-...j...COME ON!"

"Um, thanks but no thanks," Rebecca says, forcing a smile. Anthony just shakes his head rapidly.

Sherry huffs in defeat, her shoulders drooping. After a few minutes, she picks up her cards. "Alright well just keep it on the backburner, in case you change your mind, ok?"

Anthony and Rebecca share yet another uncomfortable glance as Sherry obliviously continues the card game.

Billy pops his head over the seat. "Hey, I'm game for a threesome!" he announces, grinning at Sherry. "Come on, you, me, and uh...Jill. And NOT Rebecca!" Billy says with a sneer, getting right up in Rebecca's face. "Jealous, Rebecca? Huh? HUH? Feeling a little left out? Can't take it? Hmm? Want a piece of this?"

Rebecca stares blandly at the ex-marine as the bus continues on, jostling them lightly every few moments. "...No."

Billy sighs, and turns his head to look at Sherry. A few moments pass. Sherry stares right back at him. Billy shrugs a little. "Well, h-"

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Sherry screams, pulling out a knife from nowhere and brandishing it at Billy. Billy, Rebecca, and Anthony lean as far away as they can from the deranged 12-year-old.

ooo

"STATUS REPORT!!" Alexia screams, shattering eighteen more windows in the castle. Saddler jumps in his seat, giving a light squeal of fear. "Uh," he begins, looking around. There is no one else in the vast chamber except for he and Alexia on their separate chairs. Well hers is more like a throne, but whatever. "S-status report...pending," Saddler whimpers, turning aside.

After a several moments of Saddler saying his prayers and adding a few more sentences to his last will and testament, he turns back to Alexia. "Uh, er...status update! Yes, uh...everyone died, and it was really sad, and the last thing they said was for there to be no more...status...updates..." he trails off, shrugging innocently and forcing a smile.

Alexia returns the smile, although hers is absolutely devilish and her eyes are glowing red as she clutches her throne's armrests hard enough that they snap off.

At that moment, Alfred struts in wearing one of Alexia's dresses, a blonde wig, and a heap of makeup. "HAY-AH!" he blurts, tossing a limp-wristed wave to his sister.

Alexia's left eye twitches as she grins malevolently. Saddler pulls his robe's hood over his head as much as he can. "HERE'S A STATUS UPDATE!" Alexia roars, shaking the whole chamber. "MY BROTHER'S AS QUEER AS A THREE DOLLAR BILL."

Alfred is shocked. He stands there for a full moment, staring and gaping at Alexia before breaking down into tears and running off awkwardly on his high heels.

ooo

"Stop...the music..." Ada whimpers, clawing at her ears. For three hours, she, Leon, Claire, Steve, and Ashley have been riding along on the purple Chuck-E-Cheese style miniature choo-choo train. Through the desert. While Chuck-E-Cheese music plays on an endless loop through the train's crappy speakers.

Ashley is asleep in Leon's lap in the front car, much to everyone's dismay/relief. Claire and Ada are in the middle car, both with hands clamped over their ears.

Steve is in the rear car, with a goofy open-mouthed smile on his face as he cheerfully snaps his fingers to the tune. "I think it's kinda catchy!" he blurts, squinting with glee.

"Must...kill...Steve..." Claire mumbles, clumsily gripping her 9mm and pulling it out of its holster. Ada sighs and pushes the gun down, despite her urge to also end Steve's life. "No Claire, we'll need the bullets for later," she sighs.

"Just hang in there, everyone," Leon says over his shoulder. "Hopefully these tracks will lead us to Japan...somehow..." Suddenly, his earpiece radio (cough CODEC cough) beeps. It's Hunnigan.

"Leon," Hunnigan begins, "those tracks do NOT lead to Japan."

Leon rips the communicator off of his ear and hurls it away. It explodes violently in the distance, taking out a cliffside. "Whatever," Leon scoffs. "We'll have to take this baby offroad then. Everyone, grab your seats and bunnyhop on the count of tree!" he orders. Everyone, except for Ashley because she's asleep, grabs a hold of their seats. "One! ...Two! ...THREE!"

All at once, the gang jumps while grabbing their seats. The train is derailed immediately, and suddenly careens off eight times as fast as it had been plodding along. "WHOA!!" Leon yells, grabbing at the plastic steering wheel. It breaks off instantly, and all he can do is glare at it. "Uh..."

Ada and Claire scream in horror and wrap their arms around each other.

Steve sits up, pointing at them. "LESBIANS!" he yells. He is promptly struck by a flying plastic steering wheel and knocked out.

"HANG ON!" Leon growls ferociously, running his hands through his luscious thick hair. Ashley is jostled around slightly from all the commotion of the speeding-out-of-control mini choo-choo train, and she starts drooling on Leon's pants.

Up ahead, a cliff appears in the distance. A cliff which they are heading straight towards.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!" Ada screams.

"I DON'T WANNA A VIRGIN!" Steve shouts, conscious now and clutching a bump on his head.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE NEXT TO STEVE," Claire exclaims, glaring back at the gimpy teen.

Ashley is still drooling all over Leon's pants. Leon is just staring down at her, wondering if this will be the last thing that he sees before he dies and whether or not that would be a good or bad thing.

"Where in the hell did all of these cliffs come from," Leon mutters to himself right before the train plummets into empty air...

ooo

Nemesis, Morpheus, and Marcus are clinging to their whale ride, holding their breath along the journey and gasping for air every time the whale comes up for a breath. Their journey has become even more torturous and anguishing. Laugh at their pain.

Note time!

Yay, managed to update sort of not too late again. Looks like our heroes and villains are nearing the end of their journey. For Japan awaits! …And waits! …And waits! sigh Stay tuned until next time, when things start coming together!

Also I need some suggestions about what the heck happened to Krauser. And did Wesker Chick re-capture Wesker? I'd love to hear what you think should happen!

As always, thanks for reading! ENJOOOOY!