Chapter Nineteen: I Need To Update More
Krauser H. Krauser (otherwise known as 'Jack' Krauser) smirks triumphantly as the flock of zombie crows carries him high over the ocean. "Hah!" he squawks, folding his arms across his big fat manly chest. "Thank goodness for reader reviews and suggestions! I'll have that game in no time!" Sure enough, a copy of Resident Evil 5 flies through the air, and he snags it. "Now it's time to bring this back to Saddler and Alexia!" Krauser says aloud, pointing to the horizon. "ONWARD, CONVENIENT FLOCK OF ZOMBIE CROWS!"
"Hey. Ese. Wake up, ese."
Krauser blinks, and opens his eyes, sitting up. He is not flying through the air. He does not have RE5 in his grasp. Luis Sera is sitting next to him in the desert, and there is a campfire going. Krauser glares at Luis. Luis smiles. "Let's keep singing 'kumbaya'!" the Spaniard squeals, and pulls out a guitar. "Kuuuumbaaaayaaaa-"
Krauser jumps up and grabs his head, running off and screaming in horror.
ooo
Hunk and Carlos are flying through the woods in their Power Wheels jeeps, doing wheelies and stoppies and whatnot despite the fact that they are in Power Wheels jeeps. All of a sudden, Krauser H. Krauser comes tumbling out of the brush ahead of them, frantically struggling with a flimsy vine that is tangled around him. "It's in my HAIR!" Krauser screams, flailing. "IT'S IN MY HAIR!!!"
Hunk and Carlos skid to a stop, Hunk skidding to such a hard stop that the still-unconscious Mikhail goes flying off of the hood of his jeep and sails off a cliff. "We lose more characters that way," Carlos laments, pouring some tequila onto the ground. Hunk whips out a plastic butter knife and cuts Krauser free.
The big lummox gulps down several panicked breaths, wiping away tears. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh I was lost in the woods and it was so scary," Krauser mumbles.
Hunk slaps him across the face. "Snap out of it, soldier," he grunts. Krauser just starts crying again.
(three hours later)
Krauser finally stops crying.
Hunk MacGuyver-ishly constructs a passenger seat out of some wood and vines, and attaches it to his jeep. "Alright let's do this," he grunts. He hops into the driver's seat. Krauser daintily seats himself in the passenger side. Carlos, wasted on tequila by now, stumbles over to his jeep.
"YEA LES' GO," Carlos yells, honking the plastic horn. He takes off immediately, with Hunk and Krauser close behind. Hunk struggles to follow Carlos's swerving, unpredictable driving pattern through the jungle path...
ooo
"What in the HELL is WRONG with you?!" Alexia screams, making everyone else in the chamber (Alfred now dressed in his "normal" clothes, Saddler, Salazar, zombie #3, and Kamesen) jump two feet in the air.
Kamesen claps his hands over his eyes, gritting his teeth in frightened dismay. "I don't know, ok?!" he cries. "I was writing a chapter, when suddenly I got KNOCKED OUT, man! Next thing I know I wake up and CNN is on-"
"A LIKELY STORY," Alexia bellows, fire actually seething from between her teeth. Alfred screams like a girl and both he and Salazar take cover beneath Saddler's robes, who stumbles in shock and anger.
Kamesen peeks out from between his fingers.
Alexia continues to glare at him, so glaringly that it is bad. "If you don't start updating faster, I will cut out your heart and finish this story MYSELF! And you WON'T like the ending!" she yells.
Kamesen furrows his brow. "Hey screw YOU, man!" he responds angrily, pointing at a now shocked Alexia. "It USED to be about the MUSIC." With that, he storms off, purposely knocking over random candle stands on the way out.
Everyone just sort of stares after him, Saddler giving a half-hearted 'Pff' of distaste.
A stunned Alexia comes to her senses. "Wuh-…wait! He can't leave here! GO, MY MINIONS! ATTACK HIM!"
Alfred and Salazar bound forth from underneath Saddler's robes all of a sudden, barking and snarling as they run across the floor on all-fours to chase Kamesen. Saddler falls over in a heap, becoming unconscious. Alexia just takes like this huge breath and looks all stern and sexy with the glaring and the tight-lipped brooding anger and whatnot.
Anyway…
ooo
"Alright, whadda we got," Leon requests. He and the gang (Claire, Ada, Ashley, and...Steve) are currently plummeting off of a cliff while sitting in a Chuck-E-Cheese purple choo choo train.
Ada hands him the list of suggestions from the readers, and Leon reads them off while Claire counts off on her fingers. "'Steve is hard gay for Leon,'" Leon reads, with some disgust. Claire raises one finger, rolling her eyes. Steve stares dumbfounded at her, trying to mimic her counting with his own fingers, but failing. Leon sighs and clears his throat.
"Oh yeah," Steve chimes. He takes a deep breath. "I'M HARD GAY FOR LEON!" Steve screams, as the wind continues to whip by them while the train continues to plummet.
"Fantastic," Leon mutters. Ada gives Steve her overly-joyous open-mouthed grin and thumbs-up. Leon reads the next item on the list. "'Steve suffers a lot.'" He turns in his seat and whacks Steve across the face.
"OOOoooow," Steve whines, grabbing his head. Ada laughs her ass off, while Claire just sighs and counts a number two with her fingers.
Leon reads the next item. "'Ada-...flushes Kamesen'?" Leon lowers the list and twists in his seat to stare bewildered at Ada. The Chinese double agent squints in confusion.
"Gimme that," Ada demands, snatching the list from Leon. She skims over the notes. "That last one was written in blue crayon." She suddenly narrows her eyes even further in hatred, a vein popping on her forehead. "And 'flashes' is spelled wrong."
"Well Kamesen isn't here," Leon quickly affirms, grabbing the list back from Ada. "Onto the next item." He skims down the page to the next note. "What the-...it says 'Leon and co. crash into a floating Lego ca-"
Just at that moment, Leon and co. crash through a floating Lego castle.
ooo
Meanwhile, Wesker the Fabulous is fleeing (in his underwear) from Wesker Chick (who is now married, if I'm not mistaken. ...Although I don't suppose that would prevent her alter-ego from chasing Wesker. Anyway...) "FASTER, DAMN YOU!" Wesker screams, pounding his fist against the dashboard of the snowmobile or whatever he was escaping on. (I know, folks. It's been far too long since I updated. (Kamesen, quit interrupting the story with your damn in-parenthesis interruptions.) Sorry.) Wesker reaches into the glovebox for something..ANYthing. He withdraws several pancakes. "Figures," he mutters, remembering how Wesker Chick had exercised some weird obsession with pancake batter, butterscotch syrup, handcuffs, and-...Wesker shudders and blocks out everything that had happened to him. Clutching the pancakes in one hand, he half-turns to glare back at the encroaching Wesker Chick, who is chasing him on a...a...oh jeez some sort of fast Japanese motorbike of some sorts, I don't know. "CATCH, BUCKY!!" Wesker screams, hitting the brake.
His vehicle slows suddenly, while Wesker Chick careens forward. Wesker laughs miserably and crams the pancakes into Wesker Chick's mouth, who spirals out of control and lands in a mattress factory full of life-size Wesker pillows.
"Screw that noise," Wesker barks, revving his engines. He races off towards the sunset, plotting revenge on his comrades for leaving him behind...
ooo
"Eighteen-trillion-five-hundred-and-thirty-two-billion-nine-hundred-and-twenty-seven-million-four-hundred-and-twelve-thousand-six-hundred-and-three bottles of beer on the wall! Eighteen-trillion-five-hundred-and-thirty-two-billion-nine-hundred-and-twenty-seven-million-four-hundred-and-twelve-thousand-six-hundred-and-three bottles of beer!" Chris Redfield sings gleefully. "YA TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND-"
Jill suddenly grabs his cheeks, breathing heatedly in the man's face. Her eyes narrow icily. "STOP. SINGING. THAT STUPID. SONG."
Chris continues to drive silently into the night that never ends.
After two seconds, he promptly grabs Jill by the shoulders, shakes her confidently, and seats her behind the wheel. Jill straightens her beret in confusion and drives the bus herself.
Meanwhile, Chris assesses the gang.
Billy and Barry are playing 'the punching game', which basically involves taking turns hitting each other in the shoulder until someone gives up. Barry took credit for inventing it.
William and Annette Birkin had been reviewing J-Virus formulae, but had given 'the punching game' a try at Annette's proposal. William knocked her out with one punch, and now he is drawing stick figures of himself mutating and killing Umbrella soldiers.
In the back of the bus, Rebecca and Anthony are asleep, leaning against one another. Her right arm and his left rest on their thighs between them, pinky fingers linked. Sherry Birkin, after hours of huffing and puffing and threatening to blow the bus down, has resigned to a deep slumber beside Anthony, using his lap as a pillow. Any subconscious attempt from her to move his free hand to a more 'comfortable' position is met by an equally subconscious resistance from him.
ooo
Nemmy and crew are still out at sea, riding on a whale or something. I don't even remember what the hell they are doing. Maybe they all drowned and died.
ooo
And back at the Fortress of Bad Guys, starring Queen Alexia, a special guest has appeared.
"HOLD IT." Some guy runs in, and hands an 1892 model phone to Alexia. "Ya gotta call me on this first."
Alexia takes the phone...glares icily enough to freeze hell, and picks up the ancient receiver as the guy scampers back out of the fortress. She sighs icy vapor and states, "We've got no choice...we've gotta call him..."
Next door, a cell phone rings. Phoenix Helix is bludgeoning a zombie's head with a fridge door for no damned reason. He picks up the cell phone, flips it open and (in a sarcastic tone) answers with "Hola."
He nods as a speedy, unintelligible chipmunk voice says a few lines on the other end of the call. "Ya. Ya. Ya? Uh-huh. Ya don't say! Yeah well same to you, pal!" He throws the cell phone away and looks to the zombie.
"Was that Queen Alexia?" the zombie moans.
"Nah, that was Queen Alexia," Phoenix Helix replies. He eyes the zombie for a second, who cringes in zombie-ish fear. Phoenix smiles. "No worries, mate. I don't believe in hitting a man when he's down." The zombie sighs in relief, and promptly receives a steel-toed boot to the groin. "I kick 'em. It's a lot damn easier."
With that, Phoenix heads over to his bike, keys the ignition, and heads off towards Super Queen Alexia Doom Fortress Base to sign up for the bounty to hunt the rebels, especially Ashley Graham.
Three seconds later, he pulls up to Alexia's Castle House of International Pancakes and hops off the bike, pays a zombie valet to park it, shoots the zombie valet, and then runs inside of the castle.
"I AM HERE TO HUNT ASHLEY GRABASS," Phoenix screams eerily, and earns a sock full of quarters to the forehead.
"AND the others!" Alexia screams with the power of twelve Alexias.
"Right," Phoenix says, standing up and collecting his pay. "And Ashley."
"AND the others!"
"...And Ashley."
"...AND. THE OTHERS."
"AND. ASSLEY."
Phoenix and Alexia glare at each other. Phoenix's hair catches on fire. "BITCH!" he shrieks while pointing at Saddler, then runs off into the night.
Saddler just blows a raspberry, getting slobber all over himself. "Do you think that he will really be able to capture our enemies and procure Resident Evil 5?" he says to thin air.
Alexia decides to answer him. "No, but he'll at least be able to bring back Ashley. And then the others will follow and stuff, blah blah blah, plot plot plooot, I have boobies. HEY. STOP MAKING ME SAY STUPID STUFF," Alexia roars.
Kamesen, the author, cringes at his desk and nods softly while suppressing a fit of uncharacteristic giggles.
"Yeah anyway," Saddler resumes, waggling his non-eyebrows at Alexia, "I hear that the main man of RE5 is none other than that hunk of man meat Chris Redfield, and I love him soooo much like OMG, and I want to-" Saddler's brow begins to furrow in confused anger as the words spill from his mouth, "-give him huggie-wuggies and kissie-wissies on his facie-wacie- AAOOUGH now he's making ME say stupid stuff! I HATE my life!" Saddler throws his wiggling staff thing on the floor and stomps over to his throne, stepping on Salazar and Alfred (they squeak respectively) on the way. "HATE this..." Saddler sulks almost as tremendously as Alexia, plopping down on his throne which makes a fart noise, followed by smaller fart noises as he adjusts himself on the seat. He then proceeds to rest his jaw on his hand and glare the night away.
Alexia glares at him for a full minute. Saddler's hair catches on fire.
Author's note: (standing on a stool with a noose around my neck) OK OK I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T POSTED IN LIKE HALF A YEAR; PLEASE DON'T HANG ME. Yee cripes. School is hell, work sucks, girlfriend, sick mother, broken leg, three weeks left to live, etc. Ok some of those were made up. But school and work really have been hell, and my poor girlfriend...well she's going to kill me too. So I am very sorry that I have not updated in a while. I hope I haven't lost any fans! I am very grateful to each and every one of you who have read and commented on my story. It definitely keeps me motivated through these rough times
I tried to include every suggestion that was given to me by all of you. If I missed one, let me know! And please feel free to keep those suggestions coming. Want to be in the story? Want an anvil to fall on Wesker? Want Chris's pants to fall down? Jill's shirt to fly off? Alexia and Salazar to poledance- ok you get the idea. You suggest it, I'll include it!
NEXT TIME, ON RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST – These separate tales will converge as our heroes, our enemies, and those caught inbetween collide in a chaotic encounter! Stay tuned; you WON'T want to miss THIS ONE.
Jill:...(shirt flies off) ..Wh- HEY!!