Chapter Twenty: Alfred Is Stupid

Captain Albert J. 'Jackal' Wesker cruises down the stretch of highway on his brand new Harley Davidson, sporting an all-black outfit which includes a leather jacket with his face on the back. "I am absolutely a badass," he reminds himself with a grin, glaring out at the highway through his dark badass shades. His immaculate blonde hair cuts the wind into ribbons as he rides. Bugs disintegrate before they even touch him. "I will have my revenge on Christopher F. Redfield, so help me Satan." With a twist of the accelerator, Wesker pops like five wheelies at once and speeds away.

ooo

"WE NEED TO GET CRUNK UP IN THIS," Alexia Ashford screams furiously, her clear and properly enunciated words echoing with violent and shamefully sexy fervor throughout the Fortress of Doomology. Saddler has fallen asleep on his throne, with an afro wig covering his burnt hair. Alexia growls growlishly at the lack of henchmen. She had spent the past half-hour clubbing Saddler over the head and setting him on fire, merely because she was tired of beating up Alfred.

"I am a lesbian," Alexia states to the air, as per fan suggestions. She sighs and rolls her eyes. "This campaign against the good guys is beginning to annoy me. I wish I had someone…to love me…"

No sooner does she express this wish, when Alfred Ashford prances into the chamber, wearing a lovely dress. "Hello, dearies!" Alfred coos in a high-pitched voice, tittering girlishly.

Alexia fumes. "IS THAT MY PROM DRESS?!" she screams, jumping up from her throne and forming several nasty fireballs in her hands.

Alfred screams and runs. Alexia takes chase.

And then, Alexia suddenly tumbles down a thousand-stair flight of stairs.

"AAAAAAAH THE INTERNAL BLEEDING!" she cries on the way down. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!"

Kamesen pops his head into the scene. "Fan suggestion!" he explains. He then looks right at you. "Hiya, folks!"

Alexia's voice then sounds again, from much farther down the stairs. "I WILL FEAST UPON YOUR BOILED ENTRAILS."

Kamesen smiles again, albeit nervously. "Bye, folks!"

Saddler half wakes up for a moment, sticks a comb in his afro, makes some gang signs, and then falls back asleep.

ooo

Meanwhile, Leon, Claire, Ada, Ashley, and...Steve...are STILL falling. Luckily, Sydon, a resident of the lego castle they had crashed through, equipped them with parachutes. Leon yanks his parachute, and a large red white and blue chute billows out. The colors are faded, however.

"This symbolizes my lust for justice," Leon explains on the way down, gripping his harness, "paired with my jaded past and angsty demeanor..." Suddenly, GameM parachutes past 

Leon and gives him a huge thumbs up. "...Crazy fan-suggestions," Leon mutters, rolling his eyes.

Claire yanks her cord, and a big pink chute flies out, complete with a bomb-toting Valkerie design. "This symbolizes the fact that I fancy the color pink," Claire explains, grinning, "also, bombs."

Ada pulls her cord. An invisible chute pops out. "I am a spy," Ada hints with a nod.

Ashley, having woken up, decided to cling to Leon's leg instead of pull her own chute. Much to Leon's dismay/sexual confusion.

Steve proudly yanks his cord. It snaps. "Mother said this day would come," Steve announces, and plummets violently, letting out an ear-shattering girlish scream the whole way down.

ooo

"Alright what else've we got," Chris Redfield declares in a Southern Belle accent. He has taken control of the bus again while Jill takes a nappie-poo.

Anthony Michael Mihovich, team rookie, potential love interest for Rebecca Chambers, and all-around naïve goofball reads from the list of fan suggestions.

"Well," the rookie fumbles, scratching the back of his head, "It hath been requested that Jill's shirt fly off, Rebeca's shirt fly off," he blushes and begins to stutter, but continues b-b-b-bravely, "an Ada/Jill lesbian love scene, Krauser falls in love with Steve, and something about a giant beast and a rip in the space time continuum. Also, Alexia pole dancing."

The lonely rumble of the bus's engine is accompanied by only silence for the next half of a minute.

"No," Chris then states firmly and simply, facepalming. "This sh(radio edit)t has got to stop. We are on a mission, dag nabbit." With a violent/upset-cheerleader motion, Chris slaps at the steering wheel.

Anthony nods, and then nods again firmly in succession. "Understood. …Hey aren't you in the new RE5 game?"

"I don't even care," Chris mutters. "I just want to get the game and go home."

"I absolutely agree with you, sir," Anthony agrees agreeably, shifting his legs in nervous excitement/discomfort. Chris softly looks at him, looking him up and down. Anthony immediately straightens up. Chris smirks widely. Anthony smirks softly. "I'll be a man and use my hand," he whispers muskily, reminding himself that sleep deprivation is not good for the writing best.

All of a sudden, Krauser.

"HOYOH. WHO ATE MY PORRIDGE," the muscled maniac screams from the passenger seat of the Power Wheels jeep as Hunk pulls alongside the bus.

Christopher F. Redfield throws a glance out the window, glaring heatedly. "LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT COMPANYYYYY," he screams in a sing-song manner, but no one listening because they're all asleep, except Anthony who is dazedly trying to remember how to fire a gun. "Anthony," Chris nods, tossing a noddish nod towards Jill's slumbering figure.

"Right," Anthony nods grimly, nodding. He turns to the peacefully sleeping female. Desperate times called for desperate measures. Carlos Oliviera is pulling alongside the other long side of the bus.. Anthony takes in a deep breath. "JILL I'LL TOUCH YOUR BREAST," he cries.

"THE HELL YOU WILL," Jill belts, awakening abruptly and whipping out like three guns.

"JILL THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE CONVENIENTLY AWAKE," Chris interrupts, hitting caps lock- the cruise control for cool, "THERE ARE DAS ENEMIES TRYINK TO DESTROY OUR MOTHER BUS."

Jill Valentine glares coldly. So coldly, in fact, that the bus like totally chills. Rebecca wakes up, her brow furrowed in confusion. "Why are my nipples hard?" she asks aloud, which wakes Billy, who begins giggling and drooling at Rebecca, who throws a shoe at him in retaliation, which hits Barry, who wakes up and starts crying like a baby, which wakes uh...which wakes William, who gets mad and starts shaking Annette, which wakes Annette, who slaps William, who slaps Annette, which knocks Annette out, and by this time Sherry wakes up and flips everyone off then goes back to sleep, and Brad is in the bathroom because he's a Nancy boy.

Anyway, Jill and Chris shove their guns out the window and start hell of unloading serious lead. Hunk gets a flat tire but remembers that trick from the one James Bond movie, and the tire re-inflates. Krauser gets scared and has flashbacks of getting his ass kicked by Leon, and he freaks out and starts crying. Carlos meanwhile is still a little drunk, and begins unintentionally/intentionally ramming the bus with his Power Wheels jeep, which doesn't really do anything. Inside the bus however, everyone starts reeling from side to side dramatically like in Star Trek when they go into asteroid fields and stuff.

"OH MAN THIS SUCKS," Barry squeals, firing his water pistol out the window and hitting Hunk in the eye. Hunk clutches his eye with one hand and begins hurling obscenities at the bus. Krauser blurts in shock at his injured comrade, and whips out a rocket launcher in retaliation, but then Steve falls from the sky and his fall is broken largely by Krauser's big fat head.

"Does uh, someone wanna like...give me a gun or something?" Billy questions aloud, but is mostly ignored. Rebecca huffs in angry sympathy though, and hands him her other shoe to use as a weapon. Billy smirks knowingly/thankfully at her, and hurls the shoe, clocking Carlos in the head. Carlos belches, swerving and screaming at the seagulls circling above, who are pooping on the road.

Meanwhile Leon and co. parachute down onto the top of the bus and begin a cool bustop battle/musical versus the zombie barbershop parachute brigade quartet who happened to drop in.

"THIS IS QUITE A BUS," Ada remarks, her Chinese double-agent spy superknowledge knowing no bounds, no bounds whatsoever.

"It's a magic schoolbus," Claire resolves, fatigued. She pumps down a Red Bull, shivers, slams the can against her forehead (verily crushing it), and roars with sexually explicit fervor before whipping out a huge chaingun out of nowhere and blowing away the tenor zombie.

Ashley is doing her nails.

Leon blows away a zombie, does a little touchdown victory dance, and then looks around. "Yeah what happened to Steve," he wonders aloud, even though he doesn't REALLY want to know.

Everybody looks over to the jeep left of the bus. Steve is driving the jeep. Krauser and Hunk are hogtied to the back of the jeep. (Hunk had fallen asleep, and Krauser had been knocked out from Steve falling on him.)

"Holy crap," Claire mutters, "did Steve just accomplish something useful for once?"

Steve sticks his tongue out in angsty teen rage. "I KILLED MY DAD OK I CAN DO STUFF TOO SHUT UP."

Meanwhile, Carlos is singing 'Wasted away again in Margaritaville' in Spanish and puking out the side of his jeep.

"ALRIGHT THAT'S IT," Chris yells, slamming on the emergency brake. Everyone on the bus goes flying forwards, smushing into the windshield and each other. Anthony sighs in exasperation as Sherry uses this opportunity to take advantage of him. The back wheels of the bus buck into the air, throwing Leon and co. violently. Leon screams like a cowboy on a bucking bronco though, grabbing hold of the bus roof and waving his free hand. Ada quickly employs her grappling hook to secure she and Claire to the roof. Ashley just hangs on to Leon.

Steve slams the power wheels jeep to a halt with the two captured enemies (unconscious Krauser and sleeping Hunk) on board. Carlos' power wheels jeep goes shooting by, swerving and weaving across the road as he screams/sings incoherently. He vanishes into the distance, where there is a large explosion.

"Ok." Jill kicks the bus doors open, assessing the situation. Everyone clambers out of the bus wearily, shaken up over the recent violence. Brad, however, decides to stay in the bathroom.

Steve comes walking over, grinning obnoxiously/showoffishly, and prepares to announce his presence to Jill when he suddenly realizes that he is stupid and trips over his own foot.

Leon hops down from the bus roof, followed by Ada, Claire, and Ashley. "Yo yo yo what it is, mother f-"

"-SHUT yo mouth!" Claire snaps, whacking Leon on the back of the head.

Ada steps forward, deciding to be the rational-minded one for the time being. "Alpha group, I presume. Or...bravo...whatever, the damned author can't keep up. He's like eighty years old by now."

Chris, Jill, and Barry all nod vigorously. Jill speaks up. "We lost many, but we carry on." She bites her lower lip seductively/sadly, prompting the large bearded Barry to attempt the same maneuver. Chris ignores all this bullcrap and cuts to the chase.

"Join us and rule the galaxy with RE5," he gloats anonymously, realizing that he himself is featured in the game.

"Yes," Ada agrees. "It will be sexcellent." Everyone fistbumps, despite some annoyance/distrust of the Birkins by Leon and co. Brad still hiding in the bathroom, Sherry having a belching contest with herself, Krauser awake and whining, Hunk snoring, etc.

And so, they banded together. Good guys through and through. Well, Billy is sort of an anti-hero. The Birkin adults are evil scientists who are at the mercy of the group for some unknown reason, and their daughter is an underage kink. Ada is a double agent- ah ok whatever you get the idea. The point is, they all have joined forces in the quest for RE5!

So, another year another chapter -- GRAUGH WORK SCHOOL BREAKUP GET BACK TOGETHER ETC ETC I am horrible, aren't I. For those of you that have stuck around, thank you so very much for putting up with me. For those who have left, I can understand why. I'm not exactly the best at keeping a consistent chapter flow. Regardless, I do hope that you enjoy!

NEXT TIME, ON RESIDENT EVIL: SUPERQUEST – Our heroes will make their way to the coast together! From there, it's a simple matter of swimming to Japan or finding a boat or something. What will they do with the captured villains Hunk and Krauser? Is Carlos really dead? What of Nemesis, Marcus, and Morpheus, our foes already in the sea? What of Queen Alexia and her villainous cohorts? How long will it take for Kamesen to write the next chapter? HAH HAH! Aaah...that's not funny.