CHAPTER 20

The ride back to Zoe's condo was quiet. Both women lost in thought about the afternoon with John. Each reviewing in their mind's eye how he looked, how he sounded. The relief that they both felt was immeasurable. However their understanding was markedly different.

Zoe was still floating, exultant over on the fact that she had been right to not accept John's death and that her contacts had come through for her once again. It had been difficult to not reach out and touch him, just so that she could truly feel that he was real. She'd enjoyed telling him about their first meeting. And even more that she had elicited a chuckle from him several times. It had been glorious just to gaze at his beautiful face.

Iris was more circumspect. The joy at finding out he was alive was tempered with wariness about his memory loss. Meg, Zoe and Joan were leaning heavily on her to 'cure' him, to guide him in regaining his memory. She hoped she was up to the challenge. John was a strong willed man. He either would regain all of his memories by sheer force of will...or that same strength might forever keep those memories locked away. It was going to be up to her to find the right key to unlocking his memories. For a brief second, she allowed herself to consider if it really would be such a bad thing if John did not regain his memory. After all, the man had so much he felt he needed to atone for given his experiences. But then she recalled that among the missing parts of his life, were some of the best parts, the parts that had given him a respite from the self-recriminations. If John did not have that to balance out the terrible parts of his life that he DID remember, she knew he would never become the man that she'd fallen in love with. The man that allowed himself to develop healthy relationships with Harold, Zoe, Shaw and Lionel. She smiled ruefully to herself; It came down to the age old debate….nature vs. nurture. In John's case, she believed it was more one than the other and it was up to her to help him get what he needed.

Zoe finally broke the silence. "John looked quite different with that longer hair and that beard. But he can't hide those eyes." Watching Iris's reaction, she continued, " A little thinner don't you think? But I guess that's to be expected after all that's happened to him" Another pause and she asked softly, " Will we get John...our John, back?"

Glancing over at Zoe, Iris answered honestly, "I don't know. I think so...I hope so."

Then she smiled, "Yes, he looked quite different. I am used to seeing John in his white shirt and suit. On occasion he would wear something casual, but he was always either clean shaven or had that scruff. What he had today was a full grown beard!" Stopping for a moment she pictured him as he was yesterday. "His hair is definitely longer. His hair and his beard seemed to be a bit grayer also, didn't you think?"

"You're right! That what was so different. There is more salt than pepper now. Before it was the other way around." Zoe said with a grin.

"So many changes to get used to. For us and for him….." mused Iris.

"What time are we going back tomorrow?" she asked, getting back to the matter at hand.

"I've got some of the medical things being delivered tomorrow morning. I thought we could pick up lunch again and go about 12:30-1:00 ? "

Nodding her head, Iris smiled. She was continually amazed at how focused Zoe was about food. BUT she did have to admit that everyone seemed to relax when they ate lunch together today. It was hard to keep up shields and barriers while chewing your food. Lunch would probably bring the comfort level back quickly for John.

Zoe dropped Iris off at her place with a promise to call her later. Iris stood on the sidewalk watching the call car drive away. So much had happened in less that 48 hours. Her entire world had changed. And the changes were still coming, with more on the horizon.

Once she got settled in, Iris sat down and wrote up the entire conversation and her observations of their meeting with John. She called later talked to Zoe to clarify a few things and get her take on the conversation itself. She was gratified that Zoe had observed a lot of the same things she had and that they were still on the same page as to the way to proceed. She spent the evening doing more intense research on PTSD. She had dealt with it with the NYPD many times. Speaking to cops after officer involved shootings, dealing with crime scenes that at times were horrific all were common ways of developing PTSD. Some officers reacted well to therapy but there were some that had to leave the force. The more she read, the more she truly felt that it was the correct diagnosis. That alone was half the battle, to know what they were up against...what John was up against. She felt better about their chances of helping John.

Finishing up her notes, she made a quick call to Meg to see how they were doing and how John had handled the afternoon.

The conversation with Meg was brief but informative. She'd given him a mild sedative to take the edge off the pain. He'd slept for about three hours and woke with no headache. He'd asked about the two of them and seemed relieved to find out they'd be back tomorrow. But was also frustrated that there would be no more 'discussion' about the 'gray time' that day. He and Joan had spent more time on the patio and had later watched some TV until he finally went back to his room. She assumed he was asleep.

Thanking her again for what she had done for John, Iris hung up after saying they would be back there just before lunch tomorrow.

When she was done talking to Iris, Zoe walked out onto her balcony and took a seat, enjoying the view. As she sipped the whiskey she'd bought for him, she let her mind flow back to their conversation today. It had been so good being able to look at him, to talk to him. But it had been disheartening that there had been no recognition on his part. Not of her, not of Iris, nor Harold or the work John used to do with Harold. It was heartbreaking for her to see him struggling to remember...to remember anything. HIs frustration had been difficult to watch.

Zoe was used to being 'the fixer', the one who made things work out. But this was not something that she could 'fix' no matter how badly she wanted to fix it. She was not used to feeling so helpless. She was always the one in control, the one calling the shots...but not now. She hadn't felt so helpless since she was a child and her father had gotten in so much trouble due to his politics. She was just thankful for Iris and her knowledge and ability to deal with this.

Taking another sip, she let her mind flow back to better times, all those times when she'd been sitting on this same balcony with John, looking out of the city. Slowly the whiskey had the desired effect and she finally felt ready for sleep.

After Meg and Joan had said good night, John lay in the bed thinking about all that had transpired today. He'd met two beautiful, but very different women that knew him during that 'gray time' he couldn't remember. He'd had to completely adjust his line of thinking when he found out that the two people from his past were women and not men! He'd thought perhaps the two people were going to be fellow soldiers, military men or agents of the 'company'. Finding out they were women had been a surprise, a very pleasant surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. His whole pre-conceived idea of what he had done during that 'gray time' changed. He'd envisioned something more...intense. But the two women that had shown up didn't strike him as the tough as nails soldier type or CIA spy. But then that would also explain Meg saying how he was dressed when he visited her...in a well made, tailored suit. The work that they'd described must have called for a different skill set that just a grunt in the field. But now he had even more questions about that 'gray time'.

What had that younger woman named Iris said? That he'd worked for the NYPD? WTH? His mind took off in a million different directions with that thought alone. How did he end up with the NYPD, for God's sakes? And as a detective? The sheer volume of what he did not remember was fast becoming mind numbing. Numbing except for the headache that was trying to come back.

Pulling back from that part of the gaping hole in his memory, he decided to focus on the women themselves and what they HAD told him about that 'gray time'. It was a huge challenge to focus because he felt sluggish by the afternoon's events. It wasn't that the physical part had been draining but the mental part had taken a toll on him.

Zoe had told him about how they'd met. There had been a look in her eye when she talked to him that caught his attention. He felt there was a history there. He had a distinct impression that it was a very good history. She was very striking to look at with that long hair. Pausing for a moment in his musings he realized he seemed to have an affinity for women with long hair. Zoe had an air of self-confidence that was almost a challenge; as if she was daring him to misjudge her just because of her looks. She'd seemed relaxed talking to him, giving surface details that didn't require a deeper understanding. Her sense of humor had been very dry...very tongue in cheek. Her clothes were very high end in style and quality. She definitely had an air of an independent woman of means. He wondered what she did for a living.

It was the other woman that truly intrigued him. He realized he didn't know much about her at all. Zoe had done most of the talking but he'd gotten the strong impression that Iris was the one actually calling the shots. But why? Because she was a shrink? He'd noticed the looks that Zoe had given her. And even Meg had seemed to defer to her. There was a lot going on that he didn't understand and that put him on edge.

Iris hadn't said much but he felt she'd been watching him closely. AND watching how he interacted with Zoe and Meg. He'd caught her smiling at Joan more than once. She looked younger than Zoe, not quite as sophisticated. Her attire was nice but casual. Comfortable came to mind. That long, red gold hair had caught his eye. You'd think that would be something he would remember...but he came up with nothing. At least for now. The fact that she was the one who told him about working for NYPD and that she worked there also, made him very anxious to talk to her about his 'job'. But there was more. There was a softness to her, a kindness, a gentleness that he could feel. She'd seemed calm and in control. He felt she was being very careful in the way she looked at him, the emotions that she allowed on her face. What was she trying to prevent him from seeing? Was it something bad? He felt strongly there was something going on behind that carefully neutral facade. It definitely had to do with him and he was ready to find out what. And why did he feel there was a connection with her? One that was different than what he sensed from the other woman, Zoe.

But it was Joan that he'd turned to for reassurance after they had left. Joan knew he had been assessing the visit by the two women. She read him very well. Without him asking, she answered his question. "I like her. I trust her. I trust them both. " and that was good enough for him. At least at the moment. "They came looking for you, John. Remember that."

Finally sleep overtook him and his dreams were filled with the faces of two very different women who knew all about him and hopefully liked what they knew.

Joan had spent rest of the evening in the room she'd occupied since John had been brought into the clinic. Thinking over the events of the last couple of days, for the first time since she had discovered him in that pile of iron and concrete, she felt hope. Hope that John could make a full recovery. Both physical AND mental. With the help of these two women, she felt that he had strong chance that the emotional healing would happen as well as his physical healing had gone.

Remembering how her son had ended his own life, in despair, in loneliness and in fear, she felt John was getting farther and farther away from that terrible ending. Meg had done wonders with his broken, wounded body. She was still amazed that he survived the collapsed building AND the bullet wounds. She was truly a miracle worker. But meeting the two women yesterday she had been encouraged. Encouraged that they had cared enough to continue searching for him after so long. Encouraged that they seemed to be the missing 'link' to John's past.

Joan's skills at judging people rarely failed her and she'd watched and listened carefully to everything they'd said and done today. She watched Zoe talk in a friendly, relaxed manner about the first meeting between her and John. Weaving moments of truth with moments of light humor had helped with John's stress level. He was so focused on everything Zoe had said that he was wound tight. The times that Zoe was able to drag a smile or soft laugh from him, she could feel his tension ease. Watching her 'flirt' with John had also been eye opening. They obviously had been more than friends and co-workers, at least at some point. But she got the feeling that that was in the past. She smiled to herself, wondering how John was going to react to that memory. She had been impressed with the respect that Zoe seemed to have for John. She liked the effect she'd had on him.

Iris was quite different. She was a deep one. There had been a very strong emotional response from her the first time she'd seen John, even though he was asleep. And that strong emotional response appeared to be one of love. Joan thought she could feel the strength of that love just by watching Iris watch John. She sensed Iris had a history with John and she had a distinct impression that it was a recent one. But watching how Zoe and Iris responded to John when they met him face to face, she noticed that Iris did not show the same emotional response. She was controlling it, or hiding it. That made her watch Iris even more closely than Zoe when Zoe was talking to John. The lack of emotion showing on her face spoke volumes to Joan. Iris was hiding her feelings from John. But why?

Finally giving up trying to figure everything out at once, Joan decided to see what tomorrow would bring and she was able to drift slowly off to sleep.