Chapter Twenty-one: No Shortage of Short Shorts
"I say we take the bus!" Christopher K. Redfield trumpets bodaciously, assuming an Alpha Male pose.
Ada flashes gang signs and gets all up in his grill, causing the muscled man to cower shamefully. Suddenly, Chris gets a hold of himself. "Oh wait, hey Claire."
"Hi Chris," Claire replies with a little wave, rolling her eyes. Her brother runs over to her, wrapping his big ol' arms around her and swinging her back and forth. "I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE OK CLAIRE-Y WARE-Y WARE," Chris screams, tears bursting from his eyes. Claire grunts as her spine pops.
"It's so beautiful," Billy sniffles, wiping a tear of his own. He attempts to grope Rebecca under the guise of reaching for a sensitive embrace, but she shuffles away from him and swiftly mutters 'Don't touch me.'
William Birkin takes this opportunity to interject with his own ideas. "Well, while we would certainly have enough room for all in the bus, there's the little issue of what to do with those two.." he notes, gesturing towards the tied-up Hunk and Krauser.
"I WORSHIPED YOU," Hunk screams, addressing the male Birkin.
William squints in annoyance/distaste. "Man, shut up."
Steve is quick to make a suggestion, muscling his way through the small crowd until he stands before the two bound villains. "I say we spank them silly!" he beligerates, spinning around to face the group, expecting approval. He receives no love from anyone in return.
"YOU SHALL DO NO SUCH THING, AMIGO," someone Spanish yells suddenly. Carlos B. Oliviera marches/staggers forward, all cool, hair all blowing in the wind, face all dirty from the explosion. Everyone gasps in horror and tries to hide behind each other, resulting in a huge, pointless shuffle.
Brad steps off of the bus tenderly, looks up, sees Carlos, promptly turns and gets back on the bus.
"LEAVE MY HERMANOS ALONE," Carlos g-g-growls, pointing his fingers accusingly.
Barry leans over to Billy, whispering "That's Hispanish for 'brothers'," in a hoarse, informative tone. Jill slaps Barry upside the head.
Meanwhile, Carlos continues to advance upon the group. Tensions rise. Passions flare. Underpants soil.
Sherry tugs on Anthony's sleeve. He looks down at her despairingly, expecting the worst. She squints a bit, in discomfort. "Sir, my panties are in a bunch."
Anthony sighs and squeezes his eyes shut very tightly.
"CARLOS, SAVE US!" Krauser shamelessly squeals, struggling in his ropes. Leon makes ready to pistol whip Krauser, but Carlos swiftly shoots the pistola out of Leon's hand. Leon squeaks in surprise, and Krauser lets loose a tear of admiration.
"NO TOUCHY," Carlos blurts, spinning his revolveristas. Leon draws in a huge breath through his nostrils, looking angry/tense. Claire rubs his back and silently tells him that it'll be alright.
Finally, Chris decides to take command of the relative standoff.
The male Redfield stands before the group, facing their adversary. He quietly begins to speak. "…Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage."
"That's just a Smashing Pumpkins song!" Annette contends, ducking a backhand from William.
"HEY!" Steve shouts suddenly, pointing pointedly. "They're gettin' away!" Everyone turns to look where he is pointing. Sure enough, Carlos has manned the remaining Power Wheels jeep and driven off with Hunk and Krauser.
"GRR," Billy, Leon, and Chris growl, performing mannish poses. "We hates ye!" Barry adds helpfully, snarling and curling his upper lip whilst squinting his right eye.
Ada kicks a rock, grunting and gesturing violently after the escaping villains.
Meanwhile, Sherry exaggerates a shrug/youthfully innocent gaze. "What do we do NOW?" she queries.
Chris plops a big ol' hand on her head, violently tussling her hair. "Little girl whose name I forgot, we're gonna get RIGHT on that bus, and we're gonna CHASE 'EM!"
Claire clears her throat. "You mean get the RE5 game."
Chris reiterates without missing a beat. "I mean get the RE5 game!"
Jill backflips nervously, and lands in a ballerina pose, looking worried. "But won't they be reporting back to their HQ for backup?"
Barry steps in, squishing Billy's foot obliviously. "She's right! We should go after those three before they can reach their base!"
Billy yanks his foot out from under Barry's and grunts in annoyance. "Naw, son. My marine training tells me that those jerk-wads are too far out from HQ. They'll likely report in and then receive some stupid orders to keep on truckin' and try and get to Japan before us."
Rebecca, who had been quietly been getting her hair combed by Anthony, suddenly pipes up. "Uh isn't RE5 already out in the U.S? And people have already bought it and played it and beat it and-"
Chris interrupts her with one heck of an overly violent coughing fit. "UM WHATEVER anyway let's get on this bus and GET ROCKIN'."
With that, he leaps aboard the yellow school bus and plops down in the driver's seat, starting that baby up with a twist of the key.
Jill shrugs apologetically, half smiling half licking her lower lip. "Um I heard that in the Japanese version of the game, I get naked in one scene?"
Everyone enthusiastically piles onto the bus, regardless of their moral standing/sexual identity.
Chris hits the gas and THEY'RE OFF.
ooo
Albert C. Wesker lowers his Toys'r'Us brand kiddy binoculars and smirks so hard that he nearly cracks his beautiful face in two. "Fuh fuh fuh. Hoo hoo hoo. Those jerktards are headed off. They think they can just forget about ol' Wesker." He stands, his eight-foot long trenchcoat flapping in the relative breeze. Then he spikes the binoculars suddenly, frightening the audience/making some of them pee themselves. "WELL NO ONE FORGETS ABOUT WESKER." he screams. "NO ONE FORGETS THAT THEY SOLD HIM TO WESKER CHICK SO THAT THEY COULD…THEY…" he breaks down crying, but recovers. "I'll get them. I'll get them GOOD." Ol' Albie-Walbie wipes away his tears like a big boy and flies off with his jetpack or whatever he had last time, and follows them from afar. Also he dodges a random sniper shot from Nikolai, who screams "DANG it!"
ooo
Uh what else. OH YEAH right anyway, back in the palace of horrible wonders, Alexia is asleep THANK GOSH. Saddler and Alfred are making quiet plans without her, plans to try and get the RE5 game so that when Alexia wakes up, she'll shut up and be happy.
"We could just go to the store and BUY it," Saddler argues. "It's ON SALE. RIGHT NOW."
"No no NOOOO," Alfred whimpers violently, thrashing about a small bit. "The author of this crap-tastic story thought that he could finish it well before the game was released, but now it's too late so we…sort of have to just work with this."
"DAMN IT" Saddler squeals, crapping himself. He hesitates, realizing what he has just unwillingly accomplished in his diaper. "DOUBLE DAMN IT."
Alfred stalks away proudly, pacing this way and that. Meanwhile, Saddler slips Salazar a couple of bucks to go buy him some more Depends.
Salazar throws down the money angrily, looking up at Saddler. "Pff son, this chicken scratch ain't gonna buy me no soda at the pub!"
"Double negative," Saddler replies simply, kicking Salazar in the crotch. "Go buy me my adult diapers or I'll kill you."
Salazar just starts crying and then passes out.
Alfred looks over, shaking his head and noting aside, aloud. "…Alright…we've gotta stop treating each other like this."
ooo
BACK ON THE BUS,
Billy is driving. Thanks to some golden eggs provided by Leon, he has fully recovered from the injuries sustained due to a confrontation with William Birkin over the conduct towards little Sherry (see one of the previous chapters, I can't be bothered to remember which one.)
Billy Coen, man meat. He pilots the bus like a lazy but cool pro, all driving with one hand. "I SURE WISH REBECCA WOULD COME SIT ON MY LAP," he turns and screams back to the general passengers. Everyone half listens to him, but then they return to their private activities.
Chris stews in his seat, steaming with anger and pent up…pentupness. Jill sits beside him, shaking him lethargically every so often and telling him that he'll get the bad guys in the end and save the princess.
Leon and Claire sit in the opposite seat up front, playing thumb war. Both of them keep cheating by using their index fingers in the classic 'snakebite' maneuver.
Steve is sitting in the same seat, although the seat is really only meant for two. So like…half of his buttcheek is pushed up against Claire, while the rest of his butt is hanging off the edge of the seat. He keeps pushing his way further onto the seat, only to have Claire occasionally turn on him and start barking angrily.
Ada is sitting one seat behind, seeing how long she can hold one belch. Currently, she's been belching the same long belch for three and a half minutes.
Opposite the isle, Barry sits alone, softly polishing his squirtgun and thinking of happier times, like..back before half the crew had died.
Several seats back, Rebecca is attempting to explain cellular mitosis to Anthony. He is furrowing his brow in an attempt to understand, but keeps getting distracted by her fine collarbone.
Sherry is underneath of their seat, tying their shoelaces together in jealous rage.
Across the isle, William and Annette are sitting next to each other, not moving or talking. The bus' subtle rocking and bumping about causes them to sway simultaneously although they do not blink or show emotion other than quiet distaste of their surrounding 'lesser' company. William makes a fart noise with his mouth. Annette snorts outwardly, her lip trembling. She then snorts again, chortling silently, doubling over in her seat and sucking on her lower lip to try and stop laughing, but tears are forming in her eyes. William continues to remain emotionless.
In the backity back, at the bathroom door, Ashley kicks and screams for Brad to open the damn thing. Inside, Brad fears the woman terribly and does his best lion roar from that MGM studios logo thing. Ashley is not intimidated by this. She continues her door-kicking rampage.
The bus drives on…and the ocean coast is on the horizon. Our heroes aboard, and our villains in pursuit. And our minds…completely lost.
Author's note time: Work, school, crumbling economy, writer's block, artist's stump, loop dee loop, hula hoop, you know the drill. I completely and absolutely FAIL at updating this story in a timely manner. But I am determined to finish it, and I am determined to entertain you, the readers!
Most of the reader suggestions involved lesbian sex scenes and whatnot, so I think I'll refrain from writing in the reader suggestions for a bit. Thank you for commenting, though! I read and value each and every one. In the next chapter, uuuuh...think Kamesen, think. NEXT TIME, ON 'RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST'...ACTION. ADVENTURE. ROMANCE. BROMANCE. BETRAYAL. BACKSTABBING. LOVE TRIANGLES. LOVE DODECAHEDRONS. MILEY CYRUS. COCAIN. CHEESCAKE? ALL SORTS OF STUFF. I'M JUST MAKING THIS UP AS I GO ALONG. I hope you will enjoy!