CHAPTER 21
Thursday morning was fast becoming the morning from hell. Zoe had been on the phone for hours trying to coordinate the delivery of the medical equipment that Meg had recommended. Then getting the prescriptions that were ordered by Meg to be delivered and arranging for an overnight nurse for the first couple of nights. Zoe had to use all her talents in navigating through all the red tape and bureaucracy that was the medical supply system in NYC.
On top of that, she was fielding phone calls from her current clients. A couple had been testy about her putting them off but her reputation for getting the 'job' done tempered the ruffled feathers. Some she did have to work on, making the phone calls and gathering the necessary information. Normally she lived for the 'stress' and 'tension' in her job but right now that took a backseat.
Uppermost on her mind was John. John would be coming here, here to her home. John who had haunted her dreams for the last month. John who was alive and on his way to being well. At least physically.
Once the medical equipment was delivered and installed and the numerous medicines John required she was ready to go see him. She made one last call to the nursing service to verify the times the nurse would be needed and she was done. Making a quick call to Iris to let her know she was on her way, she checked John's room one last time. This would be his new home for awhile. She wondered if he would ever remember all the times he had visited here. Shutting the door she grabbed her purse and was gone.
After a rough night of very restless and broken sleep Iris had given up and gotten out of bed. Wandering into the kitchen, she fixed a cup of coffee and took a seat at the kitchen table. Opening her laptop she turned it on and waited for it to boot up. Holding the hot cup in both hands she tried to get her thoughts in order for the day.
Rereading her notes from the night before, she developed a strategy that would be the most effective as well as being least stressful way to help John. She realized that she didn't really know just how Meg and Joan fit into John's life. It had been obvious that Joan meant a great deal to him, but that could also be because she was the only one he remembered. She was going to have to talk to both of them before she started really talking to John in depth. She needed to get a feel for all the others who would play a part in John's recovery. She needed to make sure that each and every rock that John stood on during his uphill battle to regain his memory, was a stable one. Yesterday had been Zoe's day and today was her day because tomorrow they were all going to be together when he moved into Zoe's place.
Suddenly she sat up, almost knocking over her coffee cup. John didn't know he was leaving the clinic! He didn't know that he was going to be moving in with Zoe! What if he didn't want to? He probably wouldn't want to burden Meg anymore but he didn't know Zoe or her at all! What if he resisted moving in? She knew he wouldn't want to appear to be a burden. He'd always been so self-sufficient. He just might balk at taking help from either of them. But it was a problem she'd have to solve if it cropped up. How, she wasn't sure yet but she filed it away in her mind to be considered in the event John did not want to go to Zoe's to continue his recovery.
Consolidating her notes with the information she had gathered last night, she felt she had a good handle on how to proceed with John and dealing with the PTSD. Depending on how accepting he was of her diagnosis, it could be a long or short process. Her biggest worry was when those memories started coming back; would they be one at a time or a torrent?
She was dressed and ready when Zoe called to tell her that she was downstairs. It was now time for her to take the lead in John's recovery.
Getting into the car, Iris was immediately enveloped in the delicious smell of Italian spiced food. Looking at Zoe and then the to-go boxes in the seat opposite her she asked, "What's for lunch? Smells divine!"
"I ordered to-go from John's favorite Italian restaurant. We dined there often. Thought it might reawaken a memory or two." Zoe answered with a smile.
Nodding her head, Iris smiled back. "Excellent idea! Sensory memory is very important and helpful." Remembering the taste of John's whiskey-flavored kisses herself, she blushed. Zoe noticed but said nothing, completely understanding the unspoken thought.
"I called ahead and let Meg know we were bringing lunch. She said they would be on the patio in the back. Unless she had a patient, they would all be there." explained Zoe.
"I'd really like a chance to talk to Joan alone before I talk to John today. And Meg too. Maybe you could take in the lunch and get it started while I talk to them?" asked Zoe.
"Sure, won't be a problem. I'll get a little alone time with John myself. Maybe between the food and the conversation something might ring a bell for him."
John woke up after his own night of restless sleep. His dreams had been all over the place. Dreams from his days in the military, missions he'd done on for the CIA, dreams of life on the streets with Joan. They had been short but very vivid. But it was the other dreams that refused to let him rest. Dreams that were out of focus. He couldn't see the faces in these dreams, they were blurry.. Even the locations of the dreams were foggy. Fuzzy hints of events he felt were part of his life. The frustration at trying to penetrate that fog finally woke him up completely. He felt more tired than he had been when he'd gone to sleep.
Using his one good arm, he rubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes. He gave up trying to get any more sleep. He'd hoped to dream about the two women who had come to see him, maybe subconsciously figure out where they fit in that 'gray time'. But if they had been in his dreams, they were too blurry for him to recognize.
Running his hand over his chin he felt the scraggly beard that had grown unchecked for the last month. Then he felt his hair. It was a good bit longer than the 'business man's haircut he remembered wearing for most of his life. Instead this was more like his hair was when he'd lived on the streets with Joan. Maybe he should shave before Zoe and Iris came back. But he'd need Joan's help to shave and cut his hair. He reached for the nurse call button.
John asked the nurse to get him a mirror. Seeing his reflection gave him pause. In the five weeks since he'd woken up here in the clinic, he had not shaved nor had his hair cut. The reflection in the mirror was of the way he last 'remembered' himself. His hair was shorter but the shaggy beard was the same. He used his one good hand to stroke the beard again. He was definitely going to need Joan's help to get rid of the unkempt mess.
Joan tapped on the door and waited for John to respond. Opening the door she was surprised to see him staring at a mirror. To be such a good looking man, John had never struck her as someone overly concerned about his looks.
"Joan, can you help me do something about this beard? I don't think I can do anything with just one hand."
Joan walked up to the front of John's bed and really looked at him. The change in his looks had been gradual these last couple of weeks so she hadn't really noticed the difference. But he did look like he had when they'd first met five years ago. His hair was shorter now, and seemed there was more gray mixed in than it had back then.
"Yes, I can help you with that. Did you want to shave off the beard or just…..neaten it up?" she asked
"I think I just want to neaten it up for now…and maybe I should trim my hair too while we're at it." He replied.
.
After about 30 minutes they came out of the room and headed back toward the patio. The nurse saw them when they passed by and did a double take. With his haircut and facial hair trimmed, he looked like a different man!
Arriving at the clinic Zoe and Iris brought in the multitude of to-go boxes. The nurse at the front desk got them a cart to load everything on it. Once it was loaded Zoe looked at Iris. "Who would you want to speak to first, Joan or Meg?"
"I'd like to speak to Joan first please. I'm going to speak to Meg about using her office but I'd prefer to speak alone with Joan first."
The nurse advised Iris that Meg was finishing up with a patient and would be out shortly. She told Zoe that Joan and John were already out on the patio.
Pushing open the doors to the patio, Zoe was busy trying to get the cart of food through and didn't see John at first. Joan was quick to help her with the door and get the cart over to the table to set up for lunch.
Zoe turned to speak to John and was caught completely off guard by the man sitting in the wheelchair in front of her. The neatly trimmed beard was shorter and his hair was shorter and combed. This was much closer to the John that she remembered.
"Well hello there." she said with a smile. Glancing at Joan she was met with a nod and a knowing smile. What a difference a pair of scissors and a razor could make!
"Good morning, or is it afternoon?" said John with a slight smile. He'd been waiting impatiently for Zoe and Iris to return but now that they were here, or at least Zoe was, he felt slightly unsure, almost ill at ease. Oh, it wasn't the kind of unease he remembered feeling during his missions, the kind of unease that a soldier listened to or else he died. Just felt uneasy because he truly didn't know this woman, didn't know how to react to her and THAT was something he didn't feel often around women. He vaguely recalled his mom teasing him about that.
He glanced at Joan who gave him a warm, reassuring smile. As anxious as he was to learn about the missing part of his life, he was also apprehensive about just what he would find out. The fact that all four of these women, Joan, Meg, Zoe and Iris seemed happy to see him wasn't much of a reassurance. He still had reservations about the past he couldn't remember because of the things he'd done in the past that he did remember.
"It's right at 12:00, lunch time!" said Zoe. Turning to Joan she said, "Iris wanted to see you for a moment, if that's ok. I think she's in Meg's office."
Looking slightly surprised, Joan patted John on the shoulder and went back inside.
"You look very nice today, John. More like the man that I knew…know."
"Hope you're hungry. One of your favorite types of food is Italian. I ordered this from one of your favorite restaurants we used to go to. I thought you would enjoy it and it might bring back some good memories."
"It smells wonderful and I am most definitely hungry!" Giving Zoe a big smile, "Can't think of a better way to try and bring back some memories."
Shortly thereafter Meg came out of an examining room drying her hands on a paper towel. Seeing Iris she gave her a welcoming smile. "So are the two of you the source of that amazing smell? What's for lunch?"
"Zoe ordered some food from one of John's favorite restaurants...hoping to maybe stir up some memories." Iris replied.
Changing the subject she asked, "I would really like to speak to Joan alone before I see John today. Would it be alright to use your office?"
"Certainly you can! Anything to help John."
"Thank you, I was hoping you would say that. Zoe has taken the food to the patio and was going to send Joan back up front. You go ahead and grab a bite to eat while I talk to Joan. And, if you don't mind, I would also like to talk to you alone before I talk to John. Maybe after Joan and I speak?"
Giving Iris a quick hug Meg said, "Anything you need, let me know. We all want the same thing...a healthy John.. Yesterday was an emotional day for all of us." She handed her office door key to Iris and headed back toward the patio and the wonderful smell of good food.
Once in Meg's office, Iris sat in one of the two chairs in front of her desk. She felt more comfortable talking to people without the 'desk of authority' between them.
A light tapping on the door let Iris know Joan was there. Inviting her in, she gestured for her to sit in the chair next to her.
"We haven't had time to talk since Zoe and I appeared on the doorstep a couple of days ago. Things have been happening at a very rapid pace and some introductions have gone by the wayside." Iris began with a friendly smile.
She was rewarded with an answering smile from Joan. And best of all, there seemed to be no suspicion in her look. Only interest...and surprisingly, compassion.
"From watching you and John together, he obviously cares for you very much. What I have observed is that you seem to be his 'safe place', his anchor if you will. When things begin to get out of his control or when his stress level starts rising faster than he can control, you are the one the helps him find that control again. There is obviously a deep and caring history between you two. I think, if you are willing to share that story with me, it will help me help him."
Joan nodded her head. She liked the way that Iris talked to her. Not patronizing the way that most people talked to street people IF they even deigned to acknowledge their presence. No, Iris talked to her with consideration just like she would any other person. Joan looked closely at Iris and felt she was telling the absolute truth...that she wanted to know about her story so she could help John. The John that the both of them cared so much about.
"I'll tell you everything you want to know...but there has to be a trade off." replied Joan.
That caught Iris off guard. Maybe she had underestimated Joan. There was certainly more to her than she first surmised. Then she frowned, "Trade off of what? Information?" she asked.
"I'll tell you about how John and I met if you tell me about your relationship with John." She answered shrewdly.
Joan watched the reaction Iris had to her 'demand'. She had been right. There was a history there, a relationship…...but, she sensed, it had been different than the relationship that she had sensed between John and Zoe.
Looking at Joan she realized, that Joan loved John. Loved him very much. He was the son she had lost. And that Joan was willing to do anything to not lose John.
Looking Joan in the eyes she smiled and said "Deal."
And they exchanged their stories. Each telling more than they had ever told anyone else. There was an understanding between them that their love for John had the same fierceness that made them both want to fight for whatever was needed to bring him back.
After a pause, where they both felt talked out, Joan reached toward Iris and held her hand. "Bring him back. Bring him back to all of us…please" Patting Iris's hand, she stood up.
"I think I need to get back to John. He seems to get nervous if I'm gone too long."
Iris stood and followed Joan to the door. "He's going to continue to need you. Especially when his memories start coming back. I don't know if they will be one at a time or all at once…..but he will need you…..you ARE his safe place, where he will retreat to if and when, he feels overwhelmed." Placing her hand on Joan's shoulder she said "Even when he leaves here, he will need you. Zoe will make sure you are able to visit him anytime." Joan smiled, relief showed in her face that she would not be losing contact with him when he left the clinic.
Following Joan out the door, they both made their way to the patio. Lunch had been set out and John was already enjoying the Italian repast. Twirling the pasta on his fork like a pro, he seemed relaxed and happy.
Iris paused at the door when she saw John. A John with shorter hair, and a much neater and shorter beard. Other than the lighter color due to being grayer, he truly looked like her John. It had been easier yesterday, when he didn't look so much like her John. It had made it easier for her to keep him, and her feelings, at arms distance. But now, he looked almost the same. Her breath caught in her throat and she waited inside the door to collect herself. Biting her bottom lip, she took a deep breath and opened the door to the patio.
"Good morning John, how are you today?" she said in a soft, friendly voice.
Turning at the sound of her voice, John gave her a tentative smile. Trying to gauge her reaction to him, he was inordinately happy to see her smiling at him. He wasn't quite sure why that mattered so much to him, but it did.
Lunch was spent enjoying the food and talking about topical subjects; everyone carefully steering away from heavy conversation. Meg actually was able to enjoy a whole hour of lunch before another patient arrived at the clinic. Joan and Zoe began cleaning up the leftovers.
Iris looked at John and smiled. "Are you ready?" leaving the question open ended.
John knew immediately what she meant and nodded. "Out here or inside?"
"I think we'll do better inside. A little more privacy. Would your room be ok?"
John nodded and started rolling his wheelchair inside. Iris took over and began pushing him through the hallway. Once they were in his room, she let go.
"I'll be right back. I have a quick question for Meg."
"Sure, I'm not going anywhere." John answered dryly.
Finding Meg outside one of her examining rooms, she asked if she had a moment.
"You never had a chance to tell me how you met John. Since that seems to be around the time of his 'break' in memory I feel I need to know a little bit of detail."
"Sure, I'll be glad to. It was not a good place in my life, but John changed all that. He stopped me from ruining my own life…and taking someone else's."
That brought Iris up short. She listened with amazement to how John had changed the course of the young woman's life. And how this mysterious benefactor of his had helped set up the clinic they were standing in. Iris figured that benefactor was Harold but Meg said she never knew who it was. That would explain why Meg had not tried to find Harold. She didn't know about him.
After hearing the whole story, Iris was impressed with what Meg had made of her life once John had stepped in. She was actively giving back to others to give them a second chance just as she had been given. Iris was amazed all over again at the goodness in John.