Chapter Twenty-three: And Now, The Next Scene
It had to happen. It was inevitable. And now we see it in all its truthful glory.
All the girls had moved to the back of the bus. And all the boys invariably shifted up front.
Chris and Billy have come to an agreement, and each man holds the bus's steering wheel with one hand. Both stare into each other's eyes respectfully/non-homoerotically, and nod from time to time.
Barry strategically refills his water pistol, gasping softly as the rocking of the bus causes him to spill some water on his hand. Brad, miraculously ousted from the bathroom by Ashley's rantings, sits next to his bearded compatriot and wiggles nervously while sweating.
William Birkin sits alone a couple of seats back, beatboxing and occasionally tossing in a few lyrics about how his 'bros' at 'White Umbrella' have 'dissed' him.
Leon and Anthony toss a few Pokemon cards back and forth, even though neither of them has any freaking idea how to play. They're just trying to look cool.
Steve keeps trying to walk back towards the girls' section of the bus, but they continuously yell at him until he goes back up front.
"Stupid girls," Steve mutters, fussing about in general. "I bet they're just talking about stupid GIRL stuff anyway." He huffs and puffs and folds his twiggy little arms across his twiggy little chest.
"Like what?" Brad queries quizzically, cocking his head at a comical angle.
"I dunno," Steve angsts. "Boobies."
Barry chuckles heartily at this. His chuckles begin to grow louder, into voluminous laughter that echoes through the midday busride bus. Even the girls' quiet conversation tapers to a halt as they look over to watch the large man guffawing. Barry is practically ascream with booming laughter at this point, flailing in his seat, his face beat red as tears pour down his cheeks. Chris shoots a nervous look in the rearview mirror at the hysterical teammate.
Barry's explosive laughter withers to quiet wheezing as he passes out in his seat, uttering quiet little titters of unconscious laughter every so often.
The girls resume their candid convo. Steve resumes shooting glares back at them and mimicking what he believes them to be saying. "Myeh myeh MYEH. I'm a GIRL. I talk about BOOBS and I don't let STEVE listen. Myeah myeah MYEAA-" Steve is promptly knocked out by a boot to the head from Leon.
Meanwhile, in das back of das autobus, the girls talk their girl talk. In actually, it is a heated discussion regarding cellular mitosis, led by Rebecca and Annette. Ada is taking notes. Jill is filing her nails and looking bored. Sherry is trying to will her body to hit puberty early. Claire is making quiet horse noises. Ashley is in the bathroom.
"And THAT'S why I believe the G-Virus is ultimately fallible!" Rebecca argues, tossing down a jumbled notepad of equations and tic-tac-toe matches.
Annette Birkin draws in a slow, steady breath through her nose, her eyes widening angrily. The tension is thick as she stares at the young S.T.A.R.S. field medic, this upstart who has just devalued everything that she and her husband worked to create. Just as Annette is about to explode into a multi-faceted tirade regarding Rebecca's status as an upstart and the glory of the G-Virus, Claire reaches out and pokes her in the boob.
"Honk," Claire states simply. Annette deflates, sobbing into her hands.
"G…G-Virus," she mumbles.
Sherry rolls her eyes. "Mom you're such a drama queen." Nevertheless, she pats her mother on the back and hands her some uppers. I mean some…jellybeans. Annette downs them and flaps her hands about, the universal sign for 'give me water for f&^% sake'. Ashley conveniently pops out of the bus bathroom and hands her a glass.
Annette downs the water, smacking her lips appreciatively. Ashley just smiles. "That was toilet water." Annette stares at her for a full minute before spewing the water everywhere, causing the girls to recoil in horror/disgust.
Ashley is laughing her ass off and rolling around like a fool. "IT WASN'T TOILET WATER. AAHAHAHAH."
Unbelievable violence ensues, involving the two blonde women. Leon glances back and half-heartedly calls for them to pull each other's hair, then just sort of shrugs and returns to his game of Strip Pokemon with Anthony.
All of a sudden, Ada shoots a disturbed glare out the back window of the bus. "HEADS UP!" she cries.
Barry pops up from behind his seat like a prairie dog, brow furrowed in mute concentration.
All eyes turn to the rear window, whereupon be viewed none other than Carlos Oliviera and his gang of misfit Umbrella mercenaries, Hunk and Krauser.
Trouble has arrived. And it's famished.
ooo
Alexia Ashford sits silently, staring at her stupid sibling. Alfred is playing trains with Salazar. Saddler is seeing how long he can hold his breath.
The female Ashford (yes, it's Alexia) parts her lips, speaking angrily/sultry…ly. "I grow tired of failure." Everyone kind of ignores her. Saddler heard her, but he's pretending he didn't because he's scared. Very scared.
Alexia rises from her throne, looking like she's going to either burst into flames or burst someone else into flames. "ALFRED," she screams, the dust from the walls trickling down as the very cornerstones of the building are shaken. Her brother cringes, mid-trainwreck.
"Y…yes, dear sister?" he squeaks, slowly turning to look at her. Alexia grins violently at him.
"It's time for the Ashfords to get their hands dirty," Alexia explains with dark enthusiasm, descending the stairs from her throne. Alfred quickly starts glancing around for a place to hide. "And by 'the Ashfords', I mean you."
Alfred lets out a mousey squeak of horror and does a double take, noticing that his sister is standing before him now. His face wrenches in distraught agony and he raises the trains that he was playing with, mumbling incoherently through horrified tears.
"KRAUSER, READY THE CATAPULT."
"Krauser's out, remember?" Saddler reminds her.
"Oh yeah," Alexia remembers. "SALAZAR, GET THE STEPLADDER OUT AND READY THE CATAPULT."
Salazar grumbles and picks himself up off the floor, dusting off his fanny as he scampers down the corridor. The others wait in awkward semi-silence as, from further off in the castle, the sound of a short person dragging a stepladder across cobblestones echoes.
Moments later, the catapult has been prepared. Alfred sits in the bowl, sobbing quietly and writing out his last will and testament.
"QUIT BEING SUCH A BABY," Alexia demands, her hand fondling the launching mechanism scandalously.
Salazar runs up, panting excitedly. "CAN I KEEP HEES RADIO BOOM BOX DEVICE EEF HEE DIES?!" he grunts. Saddler grabs the chubby-faced little man by the cheeks and gives him a shake. "No." Saddler states firmly, and gives him a second shake. "NO."
Alexia rolls her eyes and gestures aloofly with her hand. "Ok ok, happy trails, go get 'em, have a nice TRIP see ya next FALL!" With that, she yanks the launching mechanism with devilish fervor. Alfred Ashford screams horrendously as he is flung through the air-
-and slams into a stone wall.
"OOOooohhhh," Saddler yells, cringing. Salazar runs off to Alfred's bedroom to grab his radio.
Alexia turns around, doing a double-take at the sight of her brother's mangled body sliding painfully down the wall. "Oh for.. ADJUST THE CATAPULT. VOLLEY TWO."
We cut to outside the castle. Alfred's broken, bleeding body is sent careening through a window, and sails off towards the horizon.
ooo
Albert C. Wesker soars down the road on his Kawasaki motorbike. His thirty-foot long trenchcoat flaps behind him, knocking down houses and street lamps. Up ahead, he sees his former comrades' bus and behind it, the Umbrella mercs. "I HAVE YOU NOW," Wesker roars, and speeds up, popping one hell of a wheelie.
ooo
"What do we do what do we do what do we do?!" Brad screams, and quickly passes out. Sherry runs up to the front of the bus and attempts to wrap her arms around Anthony's leg, despite him screaming "NOOOO! NOOOOOOO! NNNOOOOOOOOO!!"
Barry hunches over and starts psyching himself up for the inevitable conflict. Billy is writing a love letter to Rebecca. Chris is sweating profusely and clutching the wheel like a pro. Leon is taking a headcount of the group, as per Claire and Jill's agreed upon order.
"SPEED UP!" William shouts to the front of the bus. Chris pushes his foot down on the gas. Annette is crushed against her seat. "NO NOT THAT FAST, SLOW DOWN!" she cries. Chris slams his foot on the brake.
The bus goes into a horrendous fishtail, tires squealing and passengers yelling. Leon is still trying to get that headcount, and Ada is remaining eerily calm- until Steve stumbles over and crashes into her. "Get. Off. Me." Ada states firmly, over the sound of wailing passengers and bursting tires. "YOU get off me!" Steve retorts, trying not to pee himself in fright.
Amidst the screaming and squealing and chaos, Chris Redfield does his best to control the out-of-control bus. The ocean is coming up fast.. "NOT INTO THE DRINK!" Chris screams. Jill covers his eyes for him. Sherry squeezes her eyes shut, pleading out loud "I DON'T WANNA DIE A VIRGIN!" Anthony slaps one hand over his face while his other hand grips an overhead handle. "YOU WILL DIE A VIRGIN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DON'T DO," he shouts from the bottom of his heart.
The collective cries of the passengers trail off to silence as the bus slows to a crawl, and then stops atop the sandy beach.
A moment of silence passes. Claire sits up in her seat, uncovering her head. "…Well, that wasn't so b-"
All of a sudden, Carlos, Hunk, and Krauser slam into the back of the bus in their Power Wheels jeeps. Jill stumbles forward somewhat violently, grabbing the dashboard and Chris's shoulder to steady herself. She stands up and straightens her beret with one hand, glaring out the windshield. "What in the HELL was THAT?!"
Wesker's motorcycle slams into the back of Carlos and co's jeeps. And explodes. The crew of the bus is flung about the cabin yet again, like ragdolls in a ball pit. Except the balls are grenades.
Several moments of silence pass by this time.
Alfred's body bounces off the roof of the bus with an audible 'donk' before hitting the sand.
The ocean gently laps at the shore, and a seagull or two squawks/poops.
Then, the doors of the bus pop open with a hiss, and Jill Valentine's body is flung out onto the sand. She faceplants, her heels jumping into the air and hovering over her for a moment before dropping with a thud.
"Uuugh my frickin' HEEEAAAD," she mutters, sitting up and wiping sand off of her face.
A booted foot slams vengefully down onto the sand before her. Jill glares like a champ, clenching her teeth HARD as she slooooowly looks up to see who it is.
It is Carlos.
He is aiming a Big Gigantic Handgun down at her face. His Spanish hair blows in the ironically calm sea breeze. "Say hello to your great grandfather for me, senorita," Carlos grumbles mannishly. He then coolly cocks the hammer of his enormous pistola and prepares to make Face Salad out of Jill's fine cabeza.
Thinking fast, our heroine snaps her hand up, thumb pointed skyward and index finger extended. "BANG BANG YOU'RE DEAD," she shouts. Carlos stumbles back immediately, dropping his gun and clutching his estomago. "AY, MI MADRE. MI ABUELLA," he grunts Spanishly, coughing in an overdramatic fashion. "AGH. YOU HAVE SHOT ME AND I AM DEFEATED. AVENGE ME, MY BROTHERS. AVENGE….meeeeehhhh…" Carlos sinks to his knees, briefly singing a Spanish requiem for the dead and pretending to play a little drum before slumping faux lifelessly to the sand.
Jill sheds a fake tear and then backflips sluggishly to her feet. "It ought to take him three point five minutes to realize that he is not. Actually. Dead," she states into her handheld recorder. Meanwhile, (most) everyone else is recovering.
Billy groans in feigned agony, and reaches out to grab a handful of Rebecca buttcheek. Unfortunately, the ass that he ends up groping belongs to Steve. Steve, meanwhile, is concussed enough to believe that it is Claire who is manhandling him. "Oh Claire," he titters, "your hands are so mannish and big, like an ex-marine's."
Leon and Anthony sit up, rubbing their heads and grimacing similarly. "You ok?" Leon asks. "Still in one piece!" Anthony responds wryly. Claire slaps him on the back of the head.
Ada climbs down from the ceiling and shakes Barry awake, who inadvertently squirts her in the face with his water pistol. He receives a slap of his own. Unfortunately, this knocks him unconscious again.
Brad and Ashley are fighting over who gets to hide in the bathroom.
Chris is clinging to the steering wheel, yanking it this way and that as if the bus were still moving. Jill climbs aboard and tenderly peels his fingers off of the wheel.
The Birkins are faring rather well, considering what disaster has befallen the group. William, in a shocking display of care, is tending to a black eye that Annette has received from a nasty bump. Annette yelps in pain and swats his hand away angrily. William huffs in dejected shock and backhands her, giving her another black eye in the process. Sherry has stowed herself within one of the seats. Realizing that they are out of danger, she pops up, covered in bits of stuffing.
After a bit of work and some elbow grease, Jill manages to herd everyone onto a nice quiet spot on the beach. Carlos wakes up for a second, but Jill quickly tells him that he's dreaming. The misguided Spanish enemy lets his head fall back to the sand. Wesker, Alfred, Hunk, and Krauser are still out cold.
"Ok I say we make a break for it," Chris strategizes, striking the air with both hands in a very 'chop chop get her done' fashion. This impresses a few people, but largely the group is skeptical.
"That's almost a good plan," Billy begins, stroking his baby-smooth face, "except I don't know how far we're gonna get by swimming." The ex-marine gestures towards the vast pacific ocean, which greets them rhythmatically with pretty big waves. The group collectively furrows their brows in thought.
Suddenly, Annette stomps up to Chris. She slaps a sticky note to Chris's chest. "Here, read this," she mutters, and then stomps away again.
Chris stares after her in that classic Chris Redfield bewildered fashion, plucking the note off of his chest somewhat clumsily. He clears his throat and reads. "Meat. Pasta. Eggs. Laundry detergent. Fabric softene-"
"-AFTER THAT!!" Annette screams.
Chris skips down a few lines. He squints. "Uh. Then it's just the lyrics to Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now'."
Jill reaches over helpfully and flips the note around.
"OH!" Chris exclaims. He begins reading in a run-on, monotone voice. "'Tie all the girls together except Annette their boobs will keep us afloat for approximately f(x)=-b/square root of 7.." he rambles off the rest of a mathematical equation and then lowers the note. Everyone is just staring at him in disbelief. Annette looks smug. A breeze blows by.
"Well I'm sold," Steve pipes up, and starts for Claire. "Claire come here I have to tie your boobs up."
He abruptly turns and walks straight away from her as she nonchalantly aims her pistol at him.
Ashley steps forward, striking an angry pose with her hands on her hips and everything. "This is SO ridiculous! A girl's ballistics don't have anything to do with her standing!"
Meanwhile, Rebecca is attempting to disprove Annette's equation, and Anthony is covering his eyes at the absurdity of the very idea that had been proposed.
William is pointing at his watch and yelling about the time, Chris and Billy are repeatedly telling William to shut up, Leon is cycling through his one-liners to see if any fit the situation, Claire is telling everyone that she needs incendiary ammo for her crossbow, Ada is humming extremely loudly, Steve is yelling just to add his noise to the din, Jill is rubbing her temples, and Barry is frantically aiming his water pistol around, not sure what to do. Sherry is very angrily kicking up sand.
"STOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!" a shrill (not Alfred shrill, though) voice screams. Everyone does so, and stares in utter bewilderment at who had yelled.
Brad Vickers stands before them, panting a little.
"You can borrow my submarine," he states timidly but clearly.
Author's note: Ok, basically I'm just trying to finish this before I die. As always, I am very grateful to all readers, new and old! I hope that you will continue to be entertained. Also, I titled this one as chapter 23 so that the numbers would match up on the site.
Off camera, Steve was glomped by ObsCure2, and Wesker dressed himself as a cake. Salazar held a small Hannah Montana concert, but it was prematurely ended by a flame strike from Alexia.
NEXT TIME, ON RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST – WHY DOES BRAD SUDDENLY HAVE A SUBMARINE? WILL IT GET THE HEROES TO JAPAN SO THAT THEY CAN BUY RE5 (WHICH HAS BEEN OUT FOR SOME TIME NOW)? AND WHERE THE HECK ARE NEMESIS AND HIS BAND OF MERRY MONSTER MEN?!
…IS ALFRED DEAD?
I MEAN SERIOUSLY, HE WAS SMASHED INTO A WALL AND THEN FLUNG ACROSS THE COUNTRY BY A CATAPULT. HE LANDED ON THE ROOF OF THAT BUS AND PROBABLY BROKE EVERY BONE IN HIS BODY.
…
FIND OUT NEXT TIME! AND FOR PETE'S SAKE, I'LL TRY NOT TO TAKE AN ENTIRE YEAR TO UPDATE.