Chapter Twenty-seven: Glorious Nihon
"Will you STOP SMOKING IN HERE?" Alfred squeals, waving his hands violently amongst the fog inside of the tiny submarine, as if swatting at a jillion enraged bees. Hunk regards the screeching Ashford with a James Dean 'I do not care for your insignificant trifles' sidelong glance, but puts out the cigarette anyway.
"Alright then Mr. Sqeaky," the grizzled Umbrella covert ops veteran retorts, "what do you suggest as a replacement?"
Krauser, who has been sitting on the floor while Carlos tends to the stationary bike which powers their sub, offers a box of saltine crackers to Hunk. "Hwuh," Krauser grunts, his cheeks full of the dry, crumbly treat. Hunk just stares at him. "Hwuh", Krauser says again, gesturing to Hunk with the box as crumbs fall from his mouth.
Wesker, surveying this rampant display of idiocy, removes his sunglasses to reveal another pair of sunglasses underneath. "How long have you been eating those," he queries angrily, snatching the box away from Krauser, who responds with a deplorable whimper.
"Hey Cap," Carlos speaks up, "mind hooking me up with a few of those sustenance..es..?" The mercenary is looking pretty pooped, but he continues to pedal hard. "Mi estomago.."
Wesker pegs Carlos with the empty box, knocking him off the bike. "No crazy talk in my sub."
With no one manning the bike, the mini-submarine suddenly plummets into a milk-curdling spiral dive, accompanied by blaring red lights and the whine of a stalling aircraft engine. Everyone immediately begins running around the tiny cabin and screaming.
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
"MAN THE LIFEBOATS!"
"THERE ARE NO LIFEBOATS, YOU IDIOT!"
"YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"
"WE'RE GOIN' DOWN TO CHINATOWN!"
ooo
Meanwhile, in the other sub, Ada Wong lifts her head and narrows her eyes.
"What is it, Ada?" Leon asks, still picking at some porridge in his bowl.
The Asian double-agent shrugs. "Dunno. Felt vaguely insulted for a moment. Not sure why."
Leon raises his eyebrows and shrugs, returning to his porridge.
ooo
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Wesker screams at Carlos.
Carlos just frowns deeply and widens his eyes in cold anger, silently shaking his head back and forth.
Hunk grins widely at the two of them. "Time to make my escape," he announces, yanking a ripcord on his vest. A parachute deploys loudly behind him, and awkwardly deflates as he stands there. Everyone stares at him. After a few moments, Hunk just sits down and lowers his head.
"FOR SISTER!" Alfred hollers suddenly, grabbing the only lever in the tiny sub. With a tremendous eight-year-old-girl shriek, the Ashford pulls using all his might. In a stunning display of teamwork, Wesker grabs Alfred and pulls, Krauser grabs Wesker and pulls, and Carlos grabs Krauser and pulls. All four men grunt and grind their teeth in mannish effort as the sub continues to plummet.
"IT'S NO GOOD!" Carlos yells over the din. Just then, two strong hands grab him. Shocked, Carlos turns his head to see Hunk smiling at him. "Hunk!" the Spaniard exclaims. "You came back!" The A-Team theme song starts playing.
"Couldn't let you boys do this alone," Hunk smirks, and heaves-ho. "LET'S DO THIS!"
Several minutes of grunting, screaming, flexing, and sweating go by. The lever jerks into place with a sharp metallic noise, sending the five men into a heaping dogpile.
"We did it!" Alfred squeals.
"Of COURSE we did," Wesker adds confidently.
"All for Umbrella's sake," Krauser mysteriously grunts.
"I could have done that for a few more minutes," Carlos shrugs.
"Please get off of me," Hunk contributes. "You are all very sweaty and large."
Everyone climbs to their feet, brushing themselves off and slapping each other on the ass with enthusiastic cheers of 'Good game, bro!' Alfred slaps Wesker on the face by accident, and gets a good talking to.
Finally, Hunk approaches the periscope. "Gentlemen. Shall I check our bearings?"
"Please do," Wesker concurs, gesturing leader-ishly with a gloved hand.
The grizzled mercenary nods, and centers the periscope to peer through it. "…Um."
Wesker paces back and forth behind him, stepping on everyone's feet. "We should be about one or two miles beneath the surface, and I'd say.. less than a hundred miles from the coast of Japan at this rate," he estimates.
Hunk is silent for a moment. "Uh, yeah. Do seagulls normally live two miles underwater?"
"Huh?" Alfred huh's, quirking his lip and eyebrows into a severely puzzled expression.
Hunk walks over to the exit hatch, grabbing the handle-
"DON'TOPENTHATWE'REUNDERWATER!" Krauser screams, scrambling to stop the man.
Hunk grunts for the eighteenth time that day, and pops the hatch.
Cool shore breeze greets the men. The sound of seagulls and the gentle roar of the surf can be heard. Everyone stares at the hatch in shock. Hunk pushes the door fully open, to reveal that the sub is sitting on the beach.
Nemesis, Marcus, and Morpheus are sitting a few feet away, around a small bonfire. All three of them are staring at the open hatch. Marcus waves. "Hello."
Wesker gently places his hand on Hunk's shoulder, moving the man aside. He directs a question to the trio sitting on the beach, his voice calm but very firm. "How long has our submarine been beached here."
Morpheus checks his watch. "…About three hours or so," he replies.
"What was all that screaming and grunting a few minutes ago?" Marcus asks, squinting one eye in the sunlight.
Wesker's eyes are unreadable behind his sunglasses. His lips draw to a thin line, and his jaw tightens. His team members watch him with growing anxiety as the blonde man slowly turns and walks back into the sub. They glance at one another and then quickly tumble out, scrambling to escape the cramped craft.
The hatch closes behind them, and not a moment later Wesker bursts into violent hysterics, cursing everything under the sun in a shocking display of foul language, incomprehensible screaming, and general name-calling.
Everyone else, outside the sub, cringes at the outburst. "Jeez," Carlos mutters. "He should be happy we made it, anyway." He brushes a hand through his hair, peering around the beach. "I mean.. this IS Japan, isn't it?"
Nemesis speaks up, grumbling tiredly. "Staaars… aarrrhrhgrhg… harrrr…"
Morpheus nods, then addresses the others. "Captain Nemmy says that according to his navigational map, he has… exactly no idea where we are. At all."
The group shares a solemn moment of helpless silence. Then, realizing that Wesker has stopped screaming inside the sub, they all turn to look at the beached craft. The hatch is open again, and the treacherous man is standing at the open entrance, his eyebrows raised and his face slowly burning with a new rage at Nemesis' recent revelation.
"Uh-" Krauser starts, but Wesker has already slammed the hatch. He begins an even louder yelling session inside the sub, causing the group to cringe once more.
"Yeesh," Marcus scoffs, sticking his tongue out. "We were stuck in a sub for a while TOO, you know."
"Yes well anyway," Alfred interjects, taking up a spot by the small bonfire. "Anyone got any marshmallows?"
Krauser looks at him like he's an idiot, but then Nemesis reacts with an expression of sudden realization and an eagerness to be useful. The giant bioweapon reaches into his trenchcoat and withdraws a bag of marshmallows.
"Staaars," he grunts, tossing them to Alfred, who shrieks with delight and tears into the bag.
"GIMME SOME OF THOSE," Krauser yells, tackling Alfred to the sand. Carlos just starts laughing, while Hunk, Marcus, and Morpheus sigh heavily.
ooo
"Wait," Rebecca says, her brow furrowing in thought. She halts the game of wall checkers, scratching the side of her head with the butt of the pencil she was using to mark her progress.
Anthony glances at her. "What is it?" he asks, shifting uncomfortably amidst the coats and other closet whatnots. They have remained hidden in the cramped compartment for ten minutes or so, hoping that the bizarre children outside would get bored and leave.
"Brad was originally piloting the sub, right?" Rebecca queries, batting a renegade scarf out of her face.
"Check," Anthony responds, digging in a random coat pocket and looking shocked as he fishes out some loose change.
"And then Sherry took over after that," the young field medic continues, narrowing her eyes.
"Right," Anthony affirms, chewing on some gummy bears he found. He spits them out almost immediately.
Rebecca's eyes narrow to slits as she continues to ponder the situation. "But then we randomly decided to age her up, at which time she reported to this room.. so…" her eyes widen in horrible, horrible realization. She meets Anthony's bewildered gaze. "Um. Who's piloting the sub right now?"
ooo
"I'M A DEEP WATER SAILOR JUST COME FROM HONG KONG," Barry sings, while doing a jig. Chris and Jill clap along with the merry tune. "YOU GIVE ME SOME WHISKEY, I'LL SING YOU A SO-" the sub shakes violently all of a sudden, keeling to the side as the lights in the cabin flicker.
"What in blue blazes?" Billy exclaims, as he tumbles toward the wall along with everyone else. Steve grabs for Claire, but he can't grab her in time and he goes barreling into Billy.
Ada executes a perfect cartwheel, landing in a crouched position and bracing herself. She holds her arms out to the sides and catches both Claire and Leon as they stumble by.
Chris and Jill cling to one another, and consequently they both go flying across the room together, crashing into the bunkbeds. Brad peeks out from under the sheets, whimpers, and then covers himself again. Ashley, on the top bunk, sighs as her game of solitaire is ruined.
"Well slap my mammy!" Jill exclaims, straightening her beret as she clambers to her feet. "What on earth was THAT?" Chris stands up beside her, looking generally flustered, and he turns this way and that while panting uncertainly until Jill grabs his arm and calms him with a shush.
Enrico Marini runs in all of a sudden, pointing an accusing finger. "I'll bet it was that murdering bastard, Lt. Billy Coen!" he shouts.
"It wasn't," Billy states flatly, "and you're not in this story anymore anyway." Enrico puffs his cheeks out and makes a hasty exit.
Chris reaches over, pulling the bedsheet aside to reveal a shivering Brad Vickers. "Brad, why aren't you piloting the sub?" the team lead demands. Jill interrogatingly shines a flashlight in Brad's eyes for good measure.
"Sherry took over!" Brad sputters, waving his hands in front of his face. "STOPPIT," he yells, grabbing the flashlight out of Jill's hands and then turning it on her. "How do YOU like it?" Jill just covers her eyes and hisses.
Barry scratches his beard thoughtfully. "Sherry isn't licensed to pilot a sub."
Billy scratches Barry's beard too. "Well that would be a good indicator as to why we've crashed."
Chris reaches over, itching the hefty man's scruff as well. "We should make a plan!"
Claire squeezes a hand in and pinches the moustache portion. "I'm hungry again!"
Barry flails his arms about in frustration. "Everyone cut it out! Quit grabbin' my beard!" Jill offers him a large-toothed comb, and he snatches it out of her hand, pouting as he grooms himself.
Steve climbs atop a footstool. "EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME!" he shouts. All eyes turn to him. "We should send someone to investigate."
"Good idea Steve," Leon comments. "Thanks for volunteering."
Steve's face drops. "W-.. no, I mean.. not me, someone else!"
Ada glances at her nails, running her thumb along them. "You're the man for mission, Steve." She looks up at him. "Get to it."
The troubled teen huffs and puffs in rampant disbelief. "But.. but it's dangerous out there! I could be killed!"
Ada's eyes widen as she stares at him. "Killed? BAAAHAHAHAHAH!" she breaks out into sudden manic laughter, making everyone kind of uncomfortable. "AHAHAHA- take Ashley with you."
ooo
Annette Birkin, true to her character, is staggering around the sub with a pistol and half a bottle of.. some kind of stimulant-in-pill-form. "Whoneedssleep," the scientist mutters derisively, pitching sideways and crashing into an open bedroom. "Uuugh…" Annette lethargically kicks away sheets and pillows, sitting up in the bunkbed that she has landed in. After examining the room, she realizes that she is not its only occupant.
A young blonde woman in a labcoat sits at the desk, jotting down notes. On the opposite bunkbed, a bedraggled man sits with the sheet pulled around him like a shawl, reading comic books. The man, Annette recognizes, is her deadbeat (albeit not in the arena of science- for which he is a titan) husband. As for the young blonde..
"Where is my daughter?" Annette asks in a panicked British accent.
The young woman turns to face her. "Are you mad?" she responds, also in a British accent, "I AM your daughter!"
Annette raises her eyebrows in bored realization. "Oh. Ok." She turns to her husband then, glaring. "William, why didn't you tell me that you'd found our daughter?"
The male Birkin glances up from his comic book, wide-eyed, looking from Annette, to Sherry, to Annette again. "I found our daughter."
Annette cocks her head and smiles, beaming with painfully apparent sarcasm. "Thaaaaanks," she drawls, grabbing his face. William grunts, shrugging her off. Annette sighs and joins Sherry at the table. "Sherry, apparently you are becoming a young woman and it's high time I stopped treating you like a little girl."
"Indeed," Sherry replies, pouring a random test tube into a beaker and then throwing the whole mess aside, taking out a wall with a blunt explosion. She turns to face her mother. "I have cast aside the silly ideals of love and romance, instead replacing them with an admirable-if-not-psychotic-and-sleep-deprived pursuit of research in the field of biological science."
"So damn proud of you," William mutters to himself, shedding a tear as he turns the page of his comic book.
Meanwhile, Annette is practically sobbing with joy. "Oh Sherry, I'm so happy!" She violently hugs her daughter, causing the younger woman to grunt as her spine pops in several places.
"Thank you mother," Sherry replies, untangling herself from Annette to return to her studies. "By the way, one of you should go and see what that terrific collision was a moment ago. I believe we may have crash-landed at our destination, Japan."
William and Annette gawk at each other, then swing their heads around to gawk at Sherry, then swing their heads back to gawk at each other. In the next instant, the two of them are fighting to get out the door.
Sherry sighs deeply, and continues her research.
ooo
"Why do WE have to go see what happened?" Steve complains, swinging his fists at the air as he walks, which ends up making him walk really funny. Ashley skips along behind him, singing the same damn Hanson song over and over again.
"Steeeeeve," Steve's zombie dad moans, staggering out from a side-corridor.
"Get a life, dad," Steve mutters, shoving past his dad and heading for the exit hatch.
Zombie Steve's Dad droops with dejection, but perks up as he sees Ashley walk by. He raises his arms again, honing in on her ballistics.
"GET BENT," Ashley yells, cracking Zombie Steve's Dad in the face with a manhole cover. The undead pop-pop spins around from the blow, spitting out a few teeth before collapsing in a heap.
"Nice!" Steve compliments, raising his eyebrows. Like a true gentleman, he offers for Ashley to go first up the ladder. She curtsies politely and begins climbing. Steve follows, and is shocked to find that Ashley wears 'Hanes' brand underwear.
"JERK. BUTTFACE. PERVERT," Ashley shouts as she climbs, kicking Steve in the face every step of the way.
Finally, the two of them emerge atop the sub, Ashley heaving to push open the hatch. A mighty sea breeze carelessly kicks her medium-length blonde hair around as she climbs out onto the roof. Steve follows, wearing several bandaids.
"Well here we are," he states, putting his hands on his hips. "Uh…" He scans the empty coastline, shrugging. "Some…where."
Ashley quirks her lips, squinting at the vacant beach. "Something tells me this isn't exactly Tokyo." She flips open a compact. "Although, my GPS says this IS Japan. It's probably one of the remote beaches on-"
She cuts off suddenly, her eyes widening. Down wind, along the beach, Krauser catches sight of her and stands up, his eyes also widening.
The muscled maniac uses one hand to dab war paint down his cheeks, while his other hand points menacingly towards Ashley.
"Uh..oooh…" Steve says, gulping loudly. "That large and violent man seems to want something from you." As he says this, Krauser is joined by Wesker, Carlos, Hunk, Alfred, Nemesis, Morpheus, and Marcus. ALL of them are cracking their knuckles and laughing evilly. Well, Alfred is doing his best. "THIS DOES NOT LOOK GOOD," Steve cries, grabbing both sides of his head, his knees knocking.
Ashley puts her compact away and cracks her knuckles as well. Steve glances at her and follows suit, muttering an 'ow!' The President's daughter steels herself, widening her stance atop the sub as the wind picks up. "Steve, my lad," she says, "brace yourself. I'm about to sound the alarm."
Steve crouches and puts on earmuffs.
Meanwhile, Ashley slowly draws an enormous breath into her lungs, somehow puffing her chest out farther than it's ever been before. ((The author was slapped for this comment.))
Wesker leads the charge across the beach, his evil team following. Ashley lets loose the loudest yell of her life.
"LEEEEOOOOOOOOOONN! HHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLP!"
Author's Note: Good heavens! What a cliffhanger! Will Wesker and co. smash Ashley and Steve to itty bitty bits? Will Alexia laugh evilly at this? What the heck is Sherry up to? Does it matter? Will Rebecca and Anthony ever get out of that closet? I hope so! It's musty in there! Anyways, find out what happens next time on a very special and action-packed super fight in Resident Evil: Super Quest! Thank you for reading! I hope that you enjoy it!