Chapter 28: A Punch To You
Previously, on Resident Evil Super Quest:
As Wesker and co. sprint across the beach, towards the good guys' crashed sub, Ashley throws her head back and lets loose a cry for aid! "LEOOOOON! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"
(the camera zooms in on Ashley's mouth, her uvula dangling as the powerful call blasts through the air..)
Now, on Resident Evil Super Quest:
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP-!"
The camera cuts back, showing a wide view of the top of the sub. The enigmatic, evil, and ever-brooding Wesker stands on one end, with the fearsome and hulking Nemesis, the weirdly beautiful Marcus and his slugs, the androgynous electric tyrant Morpheus, the roguish mercenary Carlos, the tittering delusional psychopath Alfred, the mysterious operative Hunk, and the ready-and-raring muscular manbeast Krauser.
On the other end of the sub, Chris, Jill, Ada, Leon, Claire, Barry, Billy, Brad, Ashley, Steve, William, Annette, Sherry, Rebecca, and Anthony stand ready to battle!
Jill is hopping side to side lightly, shaking out her hands while taking a few quick breaths. Chris is pounding a fist into his palm and frowning really meanly at the bad guys. Ada is glowering heatedly at the enemies, occasionally swiping a thumb across her nose. Leon spouts a few experimental one-liners, while Claire resorts to hunching over, growling and lightly beating on the sides of her head to psyche herself up. Barry is carefully refilling his water pistol, and Billy is giving a thumbs-down to the baddies with one hand while he writes a love letter to Rebecca in crayon with the other. Brad struggles to not wet his pants. Ashley assumes a brazen pose, lifting her chin and pulling her arms back slightly while pushing her chest out in a proud stance. Steve glances at her and tries to copy the pose, but becomes disheartened when he realizes that his chest is very flat and does not lend to what would otherwise be an intensely regal look. Meanwhile, William Birkin is stoically flipping off Marcus with both hands while the robed man shouts enraged swear words at him. Annette and Sherry simultaneously shove their hands in their labcoat pockets and nod their heads upward in a dismissive 'sniff' movement to their foes. Rebecca quietly fondles her pistol as she anticipates the coming fight, while Anthony just sort of throttles the air and grits his teeth, making gestures suggestive of violence to the bad guys.
The salty sea wind whips everyone's clothes/hair about awesomely, and the seagulls above flee the scene as the tension builds. Alfred sets down a cage and opens it, releasing a flock of doves which fly past Wesker as he launches the attack!
A collective cacophony of crescending cries courses 'cross the.. cattlefield.. as foe meets foe in open all-out fist-thumping war!
Wesker quickly confronts Chris, cackling vilely as he sprints toward the man. Jill will have none of this, as usual, and intercepts Wesker in order to protect her partner- thrusting a leg forward and tripping the blonde baddy.
"GAAH!" Wesker flails and tumbles hard to the deck, sprawling like a child flung from a go-kart. Jill is too busy laughing her ass off to defend herself as Wesker growlingly jumps to his feet and puts her in a headlock, assaulting her with a vicious noogie. Her hearty laughter quickly turns to angry shouts of 'QUIT IT!' as she grabs at his arms. Chris is swift to rush to his partner's side, shrieking furiously as he brings his fists down over and over, thumping Wesker on the back relentlessly.
Alfred and Brad clash next, in a shocking display of.. not cowardice, both men emitting ear-piercing screams as they furiously slap at one another.
Meanwhile, Hunk and Ada face each other. As the chaos explodes around them, the two mysterious agents regard one another with narrowed expressions of unbridled..mysteriousness. Neither physically makes a move. For the moment..
Carlos, on the other hand, is a whirlwind of movement. He takes on both Barry AND Billy, brandishing dos pistolas and firing off each weapon with intense bravado as he spins around and sings loudly. The other two men are taken aback by this, backpeddling to avoid the stray bullets and the spinning Spaniard.
Leon himself is backing up as the mighty Krauser advances, if only to try and spout off his latest one-liner before the angry man can interrupt him. Surprisingly, both men come to a stand-still as Krauser halts his advance and begins whipping out one-liners of his own. Claire, starting to pull a minigun out of her shorts, now stands there with the weapon awkwardly half-drawn, looking from Leon to Krauser as the two continue to try and outdo the other. "Get ready to meet your end, 'comrade!'" Krauser quips. "Not today, I'm afraid!" Leon snarls. After a minute, the platitudes begin to degenerate into 'your mom' jokes. Claire grits her teeth and pulls out a grenade instead, tossing it in-between the two men.
"GO, MY MINIONS!" Marcus bellows, gesturing forth with a robed arm. His leeches hop and slink towards the Birkin family in a cutely menacing way. William has not stopped flipping the man off. Annette, meanwhile, turns her upper lip in a disgusted snarl and kicks one of the leeches off the sub. Sherry takes out a salt shaker, dousing several more of the leeches. They squeal in misery and fling themselves into the water below to escape. "MY BABIES!" Marcus cries in horror, nearly fainting. He recovers though, and growls with unrelenting furious fury as he rushes the group, unleashing a fierce opera high note. Annette steps forward, halting the man's attack with a vicious right hook. She and Sherry take either side of the flailing evildoer, beating the ever-living crap out of him. William still has not stopped flipping Marcus off.
Ashley and Steve decide to take on Morpheus, who just chuckles patronizingly at the two of them. He throws a laugh over his shoulder, whipping his weird head tails aside as he does so and putting his hands on his hips, striking a pose. Ashley raises her eyebrows, sensing a pose-off, and easily rebuts with a pose of her own, tossing a hand through her hair and lifting her chin, adding a derisive 'Hmph!' as she elegantly bomps-the-bomp and shifts her hips, placing her hands on either one. Morpheus eyes her with a shocked look, but quickly hides it, gritting his teeth. "No one out-poses ME," he growls under his breath, and prepares to change poses.. Steve beholds this with growing anxiety/wonder, gasping in anticipation and chewing on his fingertips.
This leaves Rebecca and Anthony. As the fighting/slapping/name-calling/posing unfolds like a discarded pizza box in a hurricane, they stand together- each of them wondering what will happen next. "Uh," Anthony starts, clenching and unclenching his fists in a shameful display of unease, "so.. who are WE fighting?"
Rebecca quirks her lips to the side and raises an eyebrow as she looks upward, unknowingly becoming the cutest thing on the planet for a second. She then begins counting off on her fingers. Then scratching a few notes on the roof of the sub beneath their feet. Then consulting a magic eight ball. Then adjusting a makeshift sundial. "Hmm.." The curious medic stands up, brushing her hands off on her pants. She takes a deep breath, looking at Anthony, her hair blowing around a little as she squints.. "I have no idea," she admits, exhaling and dropping her arms to her sides.
Nemesis slams down in front of them with a horrific impact, shaking the entire sub. Anthony and Rebecca both jump a foot in the air, screaming in fright as Nemesis arches back and lets loose a deafening roar.
"THIS IS NOT OK!" Rebecca notes aloud, grabbing Anthony's shirt and clenching down pretty hard as she beholds the monstrous creature before them.
"CONCUR," Anthony yells, trying not to let his voice break while he in turn grabs his own shirt and wrenches the fabric in hysterical fear.
Nemesis cares not for their pitiable plight. With the force of a thousand really big monster trucks, he swings his arm in a mighty backhand! Anthony and Rebecca manage to duck at the last second, wincing at the wind whipping over their heads.
"SHALL WE RUN LIKE FRIGHTENED CHILDREN?" Rebecca proposes to committee, trying her best to keep her knees from knocking.
"YEP." Anthony replies, swallowing quite hard.
They flee.
In an uncharacteristically graceful display of acrobatics, the pair cartwheel and dodgeroll their way across the battlefield, avoiding the various scuffles, fights, brawls, and tiffs spilling out across the roof of Brad's submarine.
They regroup on the other end of the sub, breathing a little hard, perhaps even sweating a bit. Anthony looks at Rebecca and nods. Rebecca returns the nod, smirkin'. "We lost him!" she declares, stamping her foot victoriously. The two of them clink champagne glasses and prepare to drink, but they suddenly realize that they are not standing on top of the sub anymore. In fact, they are being held two feet above it. Slowly looking to the side, the imperiled youths realize that Nemesis himself has grabbed them each by their shirt collars and is preparing to obliterate them.
Rebecca shoots a frantic glance to Anthony. "What should we do?" she asks, fidgeting shamelessly.
"I've got an idea," the rookie responds. "Let's start crying like babies."
They do just that, flailing and screaming and carrying on. Nemesis, having had enough of their shenanigans, spreads his arms wide and prepares to smash the two captive heroes together into a big pink mess.
Rebecca squeezes her eyes shut, pleading aloud. "God! Jesus! Buddah! Macho Man Randy Savage! If anyone can hear me, HEEEEELP!"
"HOLD EVERYTHING!"
Everyone freakin' looks up as none other than Kamesen himself, the very author of this story, makes yet another appearance. The t-shirt wearing, five-o'clock-shadow-having, sandwich-eating man strafes in from out of nowhere and sidles onto the roof of the beached sub.
"Alright alright alright," Anth- er, Kamesen says, waving his hands about to calm everybody down. "I have been summoned, and it is due to the sides being terribly mismatched. Uh.." He surveys the group.
Wesker is currently squishing Jill's cheeks, while he stomps on Chris's foot, while Jill punches him in the tummy and Chris messes up his hair.
Alfred and Brad are red-faced and panting, slap marks adorning each man's face. They both look a bit worse for wear. In fact, Alfred looks about ready to start crying at any second. Then again, so does Brad.
Ada and Hunk are feverishly making out. As soon as they notice everyone has stopped, they immediately jump away from one another. Mouths are wiped, hair is straightened, clothes are adjusted, and throats are awkwardly cleared. Wesker gives Hunk a 'What the hell, dude?' look. Hunk points at Ada. "Sh-she was trying to seduce me!" he claims. Ada pulls out a metal chair and decks him with it.
Carlos, Barry, and Billy are looking quite roughed up. Barry has a bullet hole going through one end of his beard and out the other. Carlos's hair is sopping wet. And Billy is sporting a bruised pinky.
Leon and Krauser are deadlocked, knives in hand, each other's hands in the other.. hand. Claire is tickling Krauser's armpit with a feather. He is snickering hysterically, but trying to glare at the same time.
Annette and Sherry are taking a smoke/lollipop break on the starboard side, ignoring everyone else for the most part. Marcus is just laying on the ground, crying softly as William stands over him and continues to flip him off with both hands while staring wordlessly at the man.
Ashley and Morpheus are frozen in a pose-off, Morpheus shaking visibly while doing his best to look like some kind of ballerina flamingo, and Ashley using Steve as a seat to do her best impersonation of Auguste Rodin's 'The Thinker'. Steve is beginning to wobble.
"Well," Kamesen shrugs, "things look pretty balanced here. I don't see why I need to-"
He is interrupted by Rebecca clearing her throat insistently.
"In case you haven't noticed," the medic announces, still struggling in Nemesis's grasp, "WE'RE ABOUT TO BECOME DOG CHOW OVER HERE!"
Kamesen sighs, waving a hand dismissively and frowning in annoyance. "Oh, calm your.. undies."
Rebecca's eyes widen and she puffs her cheeks out, then begins flailing violently, swinging her fists and kicking her legs in mid-air, and shouting up a storm.
"STAAARS," Nemesis bellows in her face, blowing her hair around and making her squint. She just blows a raspberry at him, causing the giant bioweapon to give her a disciplinary shake.
Anthony decides to chime in. "Hey, uh.. Kamesen."
"Yyyyeeeeiiiisss?" Kamesen replies, smiling weirdly.
"Maybe you could like.. age Nemesis down or something. Y'know. Even the odds a bit."
Marcus sits up, looking over. "Even the odds? You outnumber us nearly two-to-one!"
"Oh shut your cake hole!" Jill yells from across the sub.
Everyone starts hootin' and hollerin' and makin' a big ol' fuss. Kamesen swipes his hand through the air. "SILENCE. I command it and such." Everybody sighs and looks over at the author again. He points to Nemesis, speaking in a southern drawl. "Suh, it occuhs tah me that ya'll ah too dahn pow'full. An' we just kinnott be havin' that heah."
Nemesis shrugs. Kamesen puts on a long-sleeve shirt, rolls up the sleeves, and waves his arms around. "By the power vested in me, make this monster now turn THREE!"
In a puff of smoke and a flash of spooky lights, Nemesis (and subsequently Anthony and Rebecca, whom he is still holding) vanishes.
The other fighters/slappers/posers look on in awe and wonder. Sherry bites into an apple and remarks "Funny ol' world, id'nit?"
When the smoke clears, Rebecca and Anthony are standing on their feet again. Nemesis appears to have disappeared. But then the rest of the smoke clears, and a tiny Nemesis is revealed standing between the two, his little fists grabbing their pant legs.
"Staaars!" he yells, in a high-pitched voice.
Rebecca starts laughing at him, only laughing even harder as the mini bioweapon adorably pounds his itty-bitty fists against her leg in childish rage.
"Well that's just COMPLETELY unfair!" Alfred huffs, planting his hands firmly upon his hips in an unsurprisingly effeminate display of disapproval. "How is THAT supposed to even the odds?"
Suddenly, Krauser pipes up. "Hey, how about letting some of our COMRADES from Resident Evil 5 join us in the fight?"
"YEAH!" Alfred adds, his voice cracking.
Kamesen shrugs. "I s'pose that'd be fair. Alright, I'll allow it. Take five, ya'll."
The crew breaks up their fights for the time being, each side regrouping to either end of the sub while they await the arrival of more bad guys to even the odds.
Jill, Claire, and Ada take to dismantling and cleaning guns, Jill slapping Ada's hand every time the spy attempts to sabotage one of the weapons. "Sorry," Ada mumbles, scratching the back of her head, "bad habit."
Barry refills his water pistol with sea water, while Chris and Billy do pushups and take turns slathering each other in canola oil. In a surprising turn of events, Sherry Birkin walks over and starts doing pushups with them. She politely declines an offer to rub canola oil all over herself, though.
Annette and William are, of course, talking up a storm regarding viruses, betrayal, bullet wounds, research, trains, and Spiderman.
Ashley is helping Steve stuff his shirt so that he can appear as majestic as she does during future pose-offs.
Brad is taking lessons from Leon on how not to abandon your teammates like a spineless wimp.
Rebecca and Anthony are sketching designs for unlockable outfits for the gang. While this began as a somewhat serious venture, it quickly degenerated into drawing everyone in tutus with ridiculous moustaches.
Meanwhile, on the bad guy side, Wesker is pacing endlessly and wearing a steady rut into the steel roof of the submarine.
Carlos asks Wesker if he can go to the good guys' side yet. Wesker denies him this, causing Carlos to sulk to no end.
Toddler Nemesis is sitting on an upturned plastic bucket, occasionally growling/yelling adorably while eating a meat ration.
Alfred is fretting over a tear in his stupid uniform. He calls Alexia on the communicator, only to be told to 'Nut up or shut up'. After complaining in response, he is then subjected to several minutes of unintelligible swearing.
Hunk and Krauser are doing jumping jacks. Between noisy breaths, Krauser inquires as to Hunk's motivations regarding the passionate makeout session with Ada. Hunk just grunts and responds with "It's spy stuff. You wouldn't understand." Krauser begins to argue that he too was technically a spy, because he accidentally crashed a helicopter and then betrayed his country by kidnapping the president's annoying daughter. Halfway through explaining this, he runs out of breath and falls over.
Morpheus and Marcus are writing a battle song to use for the next round of fighting. Occasionally Morpheus demands "But where will we find a TUBA?"
"Oh what the HELL, man?" Wesker shouts suddenly, throwing his arms up in outrage. Everyone turns to look as none other than Resident Evil 5's Josh Stone of the BSAA slowly parachutes down, kicking his feet back and forth a little as he spirals in.
Alfred sputters with anger, beginning to say about eight things at once but unable to decide how best to furiously react to this injustice.
Hunk speaks up, putting aside the hoagie he was eating. "I was under the impression that WE would be getting allies, not YOU."
"I am not here to fight," Josh assures everyone, touching down. He approaches the good guys, met by Chris.
The two men salute one another, then spin around and high-five, then whoop, snap their fingers, blow a raspberry, slap the side of their boot, and pinch each other's cheeks.
"Good to see you, Josh," Chris states.
"And you also, Chris, Jill," Josh replies, nodding to Jill as well. She raises her eyebrows and makes a little fart noise with her mouth. Josh drops to one knee, digging around in a Hello Kitty backpack. "I have something for Agent Kennedy, actually."
The crew leans in, watching with interest as the soldier draws a codec from his bag. Leon groans in dismay, turning around and tossing his arms up.
Josh frowns. "Don't knock it, Leon. You have no idea how long it took me to steal this from Solid Snake." He hands the codec over to Leon, but the man refuses to take it. Josh sighs and gives it to Claire instead.
"No fair!" Morpheus yells. "They're getting stuff! I want stuff too!"
Wesker sighs, folding his arms across his chest. "We must bide our time for now.."
Suddenly, Josh spins around, whipping out a rocket launcher and firing it at Wesker. Wesker just leans to one side, nonchalantly dodging the rocket.
"Aw.. poop," Josh curses, snapping his fingers. "Oh well." He turns to address the good guys. "I have done what I came to do." Nodding to his comrades, he slings his Hello Kitty backpack over his shoulders again. "Chris. Jill. Good luck." With that, he hops into the air and his parachute catches the wind, floating him back to where he came from. Chris sniffles and waves a handkerchief, while Jill stoically holds back her tears and merely nods with her chin once or twice.
Claire waves the codec at Leon. "Dude, this thing is ringing. Take it away from me." After he doesn't respond, she chucks it at his head.
"OW. FINE." Leon turns around, picking the codec up off the floor and slapping it onto his ear. "Leon's Pizza," he answers dully, sighing. "You drill 'em, we fill 'em."
"Leon," Hunnigan starts. "Finally. What took you so long?"
"Your mom took me so long," Leon answers, rolling his eyes. Claire snorts, covering her mouth and spitting up a little bit of the chocolate bar that she'd been munching on. Ada hauls off and slaps her on the butt really, really hard.
"Must I remind you that you're still on duty?" Hunnigan shoots back icily. Leon mimics her noiselessly, making faces and mouthing her words while doing the 'talk talk talk' motion with one hand.
"Yeah yeah whatever," he replies, sighing super heavily. "What the heck do ya want anyway?"
Hunnigan is silent for a moment. Leon just shrugs, raising his eyebrows. Marcus is making lude gestures from the other side of the submarine.
Finally, the woman speaks up. "Did you know that if you shoot a Ganado in the foot, his shoe will fall off and he will be forced to hop around to keep his sock from getting dirty?"
Leon clenches his teeth, frantically tearing at his head until he rips the codec off. "EAT IT," he screams, violently hurling the thing into the horizon. It splashes into the water and then explodes, causing a depth charge-like shockwave to rock the sub.
Everyone goes back to relaxing and waiting for enemy backup. Barry grabs Leon's shoulder and shakes him reassuringly, while Claire rubs his tummy in little circles. The haggard agent nods his appreciation and sips on a juice box provided by Jill.
"Well THAT was a waste of time," Kamesen snorts, adjusting his position on a deck chair. Ada walks over and sucker-punches him in the face.
"What the heck is he still doing here anyway?" Billy asks somewhat rhetorically, gesturing to the author.
Annette scribbles something on a clipboard and then crosses it out and chucks the thing aside. "He's probably hanging around to make sure that everything is balanced between the two opposing sides," she theorizes.
A few more minutes go by. Chris has taken to pacing as well, trying to match Wesker's pacing…pace. Just then, without warning, the Redfield stubs his toe. "Ouch!"
Sheva Alomar appears from behind an exhaust vent. Her eyes are wide and hungry. Chris looks up, noticing her, and his expression becomes one of panicked alarm as he sees a first aid spray can in her hand. "No…NO!"
Chris runs as Sheva locks onto him and gives chase. "YA NEED TO BE CAREFUL!" she yells, dodging past everyone else. "YA NEED TO BE CAREFUL!"
"I DON'T NEED IT!" Chris shrieks, running around another exhaust port, then running back around the other side as Sheva follows him. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"
Everyone just sort of watches in stunned, bewildered silence at this bizarre spectacle.
"DON'T BE RECKLESS!" Sheva advises very loudly, Chris now pinned and flailing under her as she liberally douses him with first-aid spray.
"GAH! PFFLTHTKGH-" Chris sputters, waving his arms around and trying to avoid the stuff. "GET OFFA ME."
Sheva jumps up and runs away, diving off the end of the sub as quickly as she had arrived. Chris sits up, wiping his face off, trying not to appear as flustered as he feels.
"Oooooh…kay…" Rebecca says what everyone else is thinking.
*INTERMISSION*
William Birkin: *standing in the lab, throwing test tubes around and generally making a mess* This is all for science.
Annette: *walks in, ducks a thrown test tube, looks behind her as glass smashes against a wall, then looks to her husband again* Man what the heck are you doing?
William: Making the world's most incredible edible virus. *takes a whiff of a petri dish, makes a horrible face*
Annette: *raises eyebrows* Brilliant! But aren't you worried that Oswell 'Pimp My Mansion' Spencer is going to backstab you and steal our research?
William: No. *turns to the camera and grins* I joined the Scientist's Union. I have Anti-Backstab Insurance.
Hunk: *walks in, looks like he really doesn't want to be there* Ahem.. *sighs, speaks in a monotone voice* I am here to steal your virus. *aims a plastic pop gun at William*
Annette: *shrugs, looks at the camera* Oh NO! *the camera stays on her a little too long, and she starts to look aside, then back at the camera*
*a plastic hammer swings down and bonks Hunk on the head*
Hunk: Ow.
*everyone turns to the camera and gives a huge grin/thumbs up*
*END INTERMISSION*
Wesker checks his watch. He grabs a telephone and screams into it. "YEAH CAN WE SPEED THIS THING UP?"
Meanwhile, in Alexia P. Ashford's Fortress of Flatulence, Wesker's big fat face appears on her brand new flatscreen plasma screen. "SHUT UP!" Alexia shrieks at Wesker.
Saddler farts helpfully. Salazar is unconscious on the floor somewhere.
Back on top of the sub, Wesker breathes really hard in and out of his nostrils, and his face gets red. He beans Marcus on the head with the phone, causing the older/younger man to slowly cry.
Just then, Krauser points his big muscle-bound arms at the sky. "LOOK, GUYS! OUR COMRADE IS FINALLY HERE!"
Ricardo Irving parachutes down very slowly, screaming the whole way. Wesker shoots his parachute, causing the man to plummet the rest of the way before slamming onto the roof of the sub. Irving jumps up, grinning crookedly and brushing off his suit. He steps toward the good guys, gesturing with his hands. "Would you all just DIE already? Ya' makin' me LOOK bad."
"Shut up," Ashley calls from the corner of her mouth, disguising her voice with a cupped hand.
"WHO SAID DAT?" Irving yells, looking around furiously.
Ashley points at Steve.
"IRVING!" Wesker yells. The bedraggled man looks back at his business partner. "SHOOT THEM."
Irving smoiks, then turns to face his foes, drawing a gun. "Meowth, dat's right!" he says, aiming at Chris.
Ada just shoots the gun out of his hand. Irving jumps, yelping, staring at his hand. After a few minutes of swearing and general exclamations of disbelief, he resigns himself to moping about.
Kamesen coughs loudly.
Jill sighs, taking her cue. She puts on a plague doctor mask and stomps over to Irving, slapping something into his palm. "Use this," she says, her voice muffled. Then she walks back to the good guys and takes off the mask.
Irving stares at the hamburger in his hand. He raises it to his mouth and takes a bite, chewing thoughtfully. After a moment, he gags and chokes, coughing violently. "Gahk!" Irving chucks the rest of the burger away from him, stumbling around like a dope and then falling to his knees. "Damn Excella.. I guess I wasn't worth the good stuff.." With that, he falls into the ocean and is swallowed by a whale or something.
"Did someone mention me?" a woman with a ridiculously terrible (Italian? Russian? Czechoslovakian?) accent says, sauntering seductively over to Wesker.
Wesker forces himself not to have the world's most miserable headache as Excella Gionne makes the scene, chuckling stupidly and dragging her hands all over his outfit.
"HEY, PAISANO," Ashley screams, hands cupped around her mouth to add volume, "THEY EVER GET AROUND TO INVENTING BRAS IN ITALY?"
Excella tries to pretend that she ignores Ashley's comment, but it's obviously stressing her out quite a bit. Just as she is about to formulate a witty comeback, Chris pulls out a laser pointer and aims it at her. Excella sees the small red dot wobbling around on her boob, and she immediately freaks out, flailing her arms and screaming.
"ALBERT, HELP!" the flustered woman yells, clip-clopping towards Wesker on her ridiculous heels.
"I DO NOT KNOW THIS PERSON," Wesker insists, speedily walking away from Excella as she fumblingly chases him.
"ALBIIIEEEE!" Excella cries, making a big sad face. "WE WERE SUPPOSED TO RULE THE WORLD TOGETHER!"
Hunk walks up and plants his boot against her butt. "Oops," the mercenary grunts, shoving Excella off the sub. She hits the water and splashes around, cursing angrily until Chris aims the laser pointer at her again. This causes her to scream in terror and hurriedly swim away in a clumsy, panicked manner.
"Thank you Hunk," Wesker says, blowing out a sigh of relief.
ooo
Meanwhile, back in the Hideout of Hatred, Alexia is on her twelfth martini.
"ANIOUNNUHFBBFGB," she bleats, hurling her glass at Salazar's body. Saddler is asleep.
Wesker's face pops up on the monitor. "SEND US SOMEONE COMPETENT," he demands. Alexia just stares at him for a moment, narrows her eyes, and then releases a tremendous, room-shaking belch.
ooo
Back on the sub, Wesker grinds his teeth at the communicator screen. "Ooooh, I hates her," he growls.
"HEY LOOK!" Morpheus shouts. He is jumping up and down and pointing at the sky. Everyone looks upward..
Fat Majini is parachuting down, asleep. He hangs limply from the chute pack on his back, snoring. As everyone watches, the enemy drifts aside, missing the sub, and lands in the ocean with a quiet splash.
Wesker is silent for a few moments. Then he removes his sunglasses and lowers his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.
On the other side of the sub, the good guys are all snickering quietly.
"Bring me.. everyone," Wesker orders aside.
Krauser creases his brow, leaning in to address the man. "Whaddaya mean, 'everyone'?"
Wesker spins around, his eyes full of rage. "EEEEVV-VEERR-RYYYY-OOOOOONN-NNEEEE," he screams, with precise enunciation.
Krauser gives a pitiable little squeal and feints. Wesker turns his eyes on Hunk. Hunk jumps a bit, widens his eyes, and looks left, looks right, then looks left again and hurriedly smashes his fist against a big red button.
Out of nowhere, seven figures burst through a metal-barred door! That crazy chainsaw guy, the other crazy chainsaw guy, the crazy chainsaw sisters, giant hammer guy, Lisa Trevor, and a bandersnatch. They immediately give chase to the good guys, scattering the crew.
"What ARE these things? Monsters?" Barry shouts as he runs, Chris and Jill beside him. Crazy chainsaw guy whoops and hollers, staggering crazily at the trio while swinging his chainsaw to and fro. Lisa Trevor hobbles along after them, drooling and wailing and making other disgusting noises.
Meanwhile, other crazy chainsaw guy has cornered the Birkins. Annette, William, and Sherry all back up, pointing at one another and trying to push each other forward.
Crazy chainsaw sister #1 riding on the bandersnatch's back and going after Leon, Ada, and Claire. Leon runs for his life, Claire swiftly moonwalks beside him while glaring at the enemy, and Ada chooses to cartwheel her way to safety alongside her comrades.
Crazy chainsaw sister #2 chases down Steve and Ashley, who wisely split up. The saw-wielding psycho looks left, then right, then shrieks in crazy rage and whirls around before going after Steve. His high-pitched screaming alerts Ashley, who bravely doubles back and runs to save him.
Billy has wised up, and is taking refuge with Brad inside an exhaust port.
That leaves Rebecca and Anthony to fend against giant hammer guy.
"HWURGH," giant hammer guy hwurghs, advancing upon the cowering pair.
Rebecca stamps her foot, looking super angry as their impending doom approaches. "This is such BULLSH(air horn)T," she yells. "Why do we keep getting stuck with the biggest, meanest monster? I mean we're like.." she swings her arm, gesturing to Anthony, "a hundred pounds, TOGETHER. If that! I'm a FIELD MEDIC. He's a...a..."
"Coffee boy," Anthony interjects helpfully, sighing.
Rebecca throws her arms in the air, also sighing. "Right! How are WE expected to beat this THING, this-" as she turns around to gesture to the enemy, giant hammer guy is already bringing his giant hammer down on her!
"SHIEUFGEOEF!" Anthony flubbers, his lips twisting to form flabbergasted sounds of shocked dread at the sight of his unlikely but potential love interest about to be turned into kibble. Without further hesitation, he pulls out a Playstation controller and mashes 'L1' and 'R1' simultaneously.
A blurred cutscene ensues, with Anthony valiantly sprinting towards Rebecca and giant hammer guy. "Geeeyyyaaauuuurrrrgh," he shouts unflatteringly in super slow-mo. Rebecca likewise shrieks in horrified slow-mo, cringing reflexively.
Time speeds up again as Anthony tackles Rebecca aside, yielding a 'GAH, MY KIDNEYS,' from the medic as they hit the sub. Giant hammer guy's hammer smashes into the metal roof where Rebecca once stood, creating quite a sizeable dent. In classic bad-guy brute style, he stands up and looks around, wondering where his target went.
ooo
"Get up, Salazar," Alexia slurs, grabbing the little man and throwing him. His limp body sails a few feet and then bounces on the floor a couple of times before coming to a stop. Alexia sighs drunkenly and turns her eyes to Saddler.
The creepy robed villain straightens in his throne. "Um, er." He smiles confidently. "My boy Salazar will make sure those good guys follow the same fate."
Alexia blinks. "What."
"N..nothing," Saddler says, clearing his throat.
Alexia shrugs, plops Salazar on the same catapult she had used to hurl Alfred, and pulls the launch lever. "GO FORTH AND DEE-STROY!" The villainess yells, with a heavy southern drawl.
Salazar's body is hurled out the window with incredible speed, sailing into the distance..
ooo
Meanwhile, Rebecca and Anthony are slowly backing away from giant hammer guy, while trying out different karate poses with their hands.
"This isn't a fair fight!" Anthony complains. "It's more like terrorism."
Just as he says that, Salazar's body comes flying out of nowhere and slams into the roof of the submarine. The pint-sized menace immediately pushes himself up, getting to his feet. "Terrorism," he states, stroking his chin. "Isn't that a popular word these days.."
Before anyone can even wonder 'What the hell', Salazar jumps into his Hotwheels motorized jeep and starts cackling evilly and zipping around, joined by a half dozen Majini on dirtbikes.
Marcus claps his hands together, grinning. "Now THIS is more like it!"
Alfred plants two fingers in his mouth, letting out a sharp whistle of appreciation before clapping wildly.
"I think this might be overkill, man," Carlos states, and receives a slap to the back of the head by Wesker.
Anthony and Rebecca go back-to-back, looking around bewilderedly at the tiny Spaniard zipping by on his Hotwheels jeep, the rootin' tootin' hollerin' Majini chain gang on their dirtbikes popping wheelies all around them, and the ever-pants-crapping presence of giant hammer guy looming. Meanwhile, the others are still being chased around by the crazy chainsaw group, the bandersnatch, and Lisa Trevor. Things look grim.
"W-whadda we DO?" Rebecca cries, arms akimbo and fingers wriggling in anticipation as if she were a wild west gunslinger.
Anthony Mihovich swallows really hard, glaring at the swarm of enemies and trying to pretend that he's not sweating up a storm. "I got no idea…"
Salazar shouts a command and points his finger at the duo. One of the Majini bikers hollers an incomprehensible reply and swings a chain at Anthony's head..
Holy cripes on toast! Things are getting serious! Next time, on Resident Evil: Super Quest! Will the good guys be able to overcome these overwhelming odds! Will the bad guys step in and finish the job? Will Anthony get slapped in the face with a really big chain? Will Alexia run out of martini mix? Stay tuned for more action! More chainsaws! More screaming! More Wesker! More nudity! Less nudity! Plot holes! Ladies night! Drinks half off! I don't know! Please enjoy my show.