The commercials are over. The lights go down and you see rolling waves. The picture moves to show the empty beach with a cross sitting in the sand. It is red. It represents the love that was lost. It represents the love that was shared. It has a stuffed turkey sitting next to it and about a dozen wilted roses. It has a name written across it. My name. At the foot of it is a rock with my last day painted on it in scribbled handwriting. That was Emmy's handwriting. I could recognize it anywhere. I had seen about two hundred counterfeit notes with that scribble written on them. She was a trouble maker. Just like I was at her age. She had bigger dreams than I could ever have imagined though. She wants to be a doctor. We all know that she has the handwriting for it. The writing for the cross was detailed and planned. The white paint was a symbol of innocence. It was written by the only person whose innocence I stole. My beautiful Bay. The love of my life. She brought out the roses a week ago. The cemetery was so far away. She knew I would never be happy there. See, this is where she put me. Scattered in with all the sand. Looking out on our ocean. Looking in on our house. I was so close to her and yet we are so alone now.
The picture moves to the house. I built that house for her. Five bedrooms, a screen in porch. It was just big enough for our family. She didn't want a house that was big enough that we never saw each other. Her childhood home was so big, but so lonely. She never wanted our children to feel that way. I would have made it bigger though. How was I supposed to know that we were going to have six more children though?
On the door that leads into the house there is a wood sign, with the words Wilkerson Castle carved into it. She called it our castle. It was the perfect beach house. She decorated it in a coastal theme. She used to say she felt like she was on vacation every day. Every room is filled with pictures of the family. But, in the living room there is something special. As soon as you walk in you see a wall with framed shirts on it. They are surrounded by pictures. Each one representing the college that one of the children went to. There are eight. One for me, one for her, and one for the six children that have made that decision. Emmy isn't old enough. Soon, though. Addie ran off to make a career. She was never the school type.
When you turn away from the wall. There are two desks. One was mine. The other was the children's. That is where she is sitting today. Her black curls are draped over to one side as she leans over a notebook. She is writing the shopping list. I can tell by the way she sighs. She hates going to the store ever since the accident. She was making baked spaghetti that night and we were out of garlic bread. She hasn't had spaghetti or garlic bread since. This was her Thanksgiving list. She always outdid herself on the holidays. She made a ham, a turkey, and a chicken. Last year at Thanksgiving she made eight different types of potatoes. I can't help, but to wonder what she is going to do this year. I thought about it. The way I see it she will either go bigger than she ever has, or she will have nothing but TV dinners. If only I could get my eyes on that list.
Her cell phone rings and I think I get my answer. She always turned her ringer to a Christmas song this time of year and when "Christmas Vacation" fills the room, I know. She still has her Christmas spirit. She still has some hope then. She even dances a little and hums with it before answering it. I knew who it was as soon as she started talking. "Oh, so they still have phones, there in New York?" She asked into the phone with a laugh. Piper always was bad at remembering to call. She had a lot going on. She was our star. She was in the theater program at Yale when she got the part of a life time. She goes to NYU when she has down time. I don't know how she finds time, though, she has her plays, and her album that she just released. I wish I was at that party. You know alive at the party at least. I never thought one of my kids would follow in my footsteps. Our footsteps, I should say. I just wished she knew how proud I am of her. I can't make out what she is saying, but I can tell it is bad news. Bay drops her shoulders and when I look at her face I see a tear roll down her face. "Yeah, that is a great opportunity." She says softly as she starts crossing things off the list in front of her. "There is nothing like riding on one of those floats." She says after a while. "I will be watching you on television. It just sucks that the parade couldn't be Black Friday." I get enough of the conversation to see that my daughter has been asked to be in the Thanksgiving Day Parade. She has probably known about this for a while. Probably even before the accident. I bet it was hard to do this. Bay would have done the same. Then again Bay hasn't talked to her mother since she was seventeen. "I love you too." I watch as Bay hangs up the phone. "Well, this can be a good thing. I don't have to listen to the constant vegetarian complaints." She said as she looked at her list trying to smile. But, the smile falls too soon. "I am going to miss her pestering." She says softly. She just looks up and the tears are falling so hard. I can't stand to watch her like this. I can't stand to see her hurting. So, I act like the cowardly spirit, I am and I leave.
I wander off to a little apartment on the other side of town. It's not much. However, it is much better than the first apartment me and Bay had. They have two bedrooms and matching furniture. They have very few pictures on the wall. They haven't been together long enough to make the memories that go with the pictures. But, those few memories they have made me smile when I look at them. There is a diploma from Columbia University with the name Mason James Wilkerson on it. I smile with pride. My son. My first born, graduated with honors from one of the best universities in the country. Next to that glorious piece of paper is a picture from that day. He was in the middle. Bay was on the left. I was on the right. He had placed his cap on his mother's head. We were all smiles. Even though, I hate to admit it, I cried a lot that day. Tears of joy. Tears of terror. He was grown and that piece of paper was proof. It was funny, I didn't cry when he graduated high school. That moment is forever frozen just below the first. I guess it wasn't real then. I walk along the wall and there is a picture of him and his love. Rachel O'Neal flew into his life like a hurricane last year. They meet when he was covering a charity ball for the paper. Her father was the host. It wasn't six months and they were engaged. I never meet her in person, though. She never had the nerve to meet us. Bay will never let her live that down. Although, she might when they finally get the nerve to tell her their biggest secret. I just walk into the second bedroom to see the crib where the desk used to be. Mason got that last week. They are almost half way there. There is a sonogram picture sitting on the dresser. If I could cry, I would. I will never get to hold my grandchildren. I will never get to wear that silly shirt that says "ask me about my grandbabies". I wanted one of those. Bay would have one to match and we would sit in rocking chairs watching dozens of children run through the yard.
There is a red rocking horse in the corner. That was one of my memories. I bought it for Mason, the day I found out about him. Each one of my eight children played on it. I wonder how he got that out of the basement without his mother seeing. It belonged there though. Maybe in fifty years I will be looking at it in the room of my great-great grandchild's room. There is no pink, no blue. They must not know yet. Everything is white and beige. It looked staged and lifeless. Bay will fix that. I know she will. I stand there looking for a while. There is no one here though. Nothing to see. It's just empty rooms half full with painful memories. I decide to keep moving. There has to be something to see.
I find myself in a diner in the heart of town. I sit in a booth as if a waitress can see me. Two tables over there is a teenager with my blonde hair and her mother's beautiful brown eyes. She was looking at her best friend. Bay and I practically raised that boy. His father didn't care enough to make family a priority and his mother ran out years before. We never had the worry about the two of them though. She was the prom queen. He was a stereotypical geek. He just ran his hand though his mess mop of black hair as Emmy laughed. Emmy. She is my baby. We knew she was going to be the last, so Bay gave me full reign on naming her. There was a sweet old woman I worked with at Wal-Mart. It was my first job when we got to Los Angeles. She busted my chops a lot. She also taught me a lot about life outside of the privileged life I had in Kansas City. When Bay and I made it big we bought her a house before we even thought of building the house. She only lived five years after that. Her name was Emmie-Lou. I knew Bay wouldn't want the baby to live with that name, so I found Emmalyn. I was prouder than I think I had ever been before when I held Emmalyn Louise Wilkerson for the first time. I called her Emmy her whole life though. Many people thought it was because of the Emmy. My family knew, though. I just watch them quiz each other as they share a plate of fries. When the waitress walks by I want to stop her a say "That's my girl. My future doctor." They couldn't hear me anyways. I have to move when the waitress sits someone at my table. I move closer. I can almost reach out and touch her.
"Do you want to order another plate?" Lucas asks as he looks at the empty plate. Sometimes I think that boy is a garbage disposal. Other times, like this one, I see what he is doing. I didn't use to. But, maybe it is this solitude that I feel now. I can see that he is holding on to her so that he doesn't have to be home alone. I see the pain in his eyes when she just closes her book.
"I can't. Mase is bringing the witch over for dinner. I have to keep mom from punching her." Emmy said as she started to pack up her belongings. She places money on the table for the bill and starts to stand up. "You want to come to dinner tonight? I can't promise it will be great. Mase is bringing it." She said as she looked at him. His eyes light up at her words.
"Oh, sure. You know, just to keep things civil." He added as he starts packing up as well. Nice way to hide it kid. I want to laugh at it, but I understand him now. I understand. I just get up to walk away. I just stop right in front of Emmy. I reach out and I see it in her face she feels it. She doesn't know what it is, but she can tell all at the same time.
"Dad." She breathes out almost too soft to be heard. Lucas just wraps his arm around her as he sees what is happening.
"Take care of her kid." I whisper to him before I disappear before disappearing. Not that they could notice.
In a blink of the eye, I am miles away. Ohio. That is one place that I never thought I would be. Hell, I was twenty before I realized it was a state. I sit in the back of a full lecture hall and I see why I am here. The class was Introduction to Music. I remember the way she complained to me when she realized she had to take it. She grew up surrounded by music, but just because she didn't take band in high school she was stuck in this class. She is sitting on the other side of the room. She was playing on her phone trying to pretend that she was listening. She was wearing the sweater that I sent her for her birthday. Not that I was worried about it not being a hit. She sent me the catalog with the picture circled twelve times. There were even stars and exclamation points. She started drinking coffee again, I can tell by the Starbucks cup sitting on the desk. She is curling her hair again. I move closer. I can smell her perfume. I used to hate how she and her sisters made the house stink in the morning. You cannot have six different scents sprayed at one time. She was like her mother. She wore Gingerbread all year round. In the heat of the summer, it started smelling like burnt cookies. She still wore it though. I watch as she signs the attendance sheet: Clara Lucille Wilkerson. She used to hate her middle name. I called her Clara Lucille more than Clare or Clara or Care Bear. She didn't start signing her middle name for everything until after the accident. She passes the sheet to the next person and makes a note in her phone to call Xavier. They never acted like twins before. Now they talk more than ever. Even though they are miles apart. Xavier is a strange one.
I must have been too focused on him because before I know it, I am standing in the California sun. He is leaning up against a tree with a model airplane. I wanted to laugh at his Star Wars shirt and the tape on his glasses. He could break those things in his sleep. He has broken them in his sleep. Clara used to joke that he got the brains and she got the looks. He got the oxygen and she got the food. Someone throws a football and it knocks into the model. The guy looked like a jerk. I would have knocked him flat if I was there. Then he looked at Xavier and just nods. "Sorry about…you know." He said as he grabs the ball. I notice his Ax Girl shirt and smile. That was the band that Bay and I were in. Xavier just smiles weakly. Another guy from across the lawn yells "Burn it down Forever!" That was a line from our biggest hit. It was plastered everywhere by Axheads after the accident. Speaking of KC Down. I smile as his phone rings out the song. He never liked my music. He was much more of a classical music guy. "How's the rain sis?" He asked as he answered the phone. Gwen. That was Gwen. She was a husky at the University of Washington. Rain is about the only thing interesting that happens in Washington. I feel myself moving. Here we go again. I sigh.
I am outside in an alley watching Gwen walk back and forth. She must be on break. I can see the coffee house sign from here. "I know that Mom is going to kill me, but I have to work Friday." She said into the phone. Gwen was the sneaky one. She found six different ways out of the house without us knowing by the time she was five. She also had the dream of Nashville since she was in Kindergarten. She wanted to make in country music. She wanted to attend Vanderbilt and take on the world. I guess the voice of reason got to her. Or I should bad reasoning. I always wanted my kids to follow their hearts and dreams. But, bad reasoning came with a name. Danny. Her high school sweetheart that convinced her that they could be college sweethearts. Then they could go on to be that sweet couple in a small town. He would teach high school math and she could teach elementary music classes. "Don't you dare Gwendolyn me. I was there last year when you went on that ski trip." She said into the phone as she rose her voice a little. She just looks towards me before she hangs up the phone. "Sorry about that." She said to me. I turn around to see she wasn't talking to me.
"Danny." I practically growl as I look at him. He is on person I was happy to be rid of in the afterlife. My blood pressure would be sky high as I watch them walk away. There is the upside for the day.
If you don't have daughters, then I don't suggest it. They make you crazy. They know just how to push your buttons. They know how to make you lose sleep at night. Well, I can't say that. I didn't start losing sleep until Addie came along. Then again, that two years did not give Piper enough time to be troublesome. I don't even want to think about it. She was a handful when she was little. That was before she ran off to make her career. That was before the studio apartment she was sharing with her boyfriend in Boston. That was before the tattoo. That was before hell set in. I still pray for that girl every night. I have too. Although, I can't blame everything on Addie. Chloe came around at the same time. She just hides her devilish side better. She doesn't dress like she came straight out of a tattoo parlor. Although, I lost faith in my little girl being on this side. It's funny what you learn on this side of life. I think the worst is the sleeping with the teacher's aide. No, using my death to seduce the T.A. that was the lowest I have ever seen her. Yeah, so if you have a daughter lock her in her room until she is fifty.
Then again. Sometimes I just like to sit in the theater during rehearsal and watch Piper shine. Or sit in the library and watch Chloe at work. I can keep an eye on them better. Plus, when they aren't causing trouble, I remember that those girls are my life. They defined me as a person. I was James Wilkerson III and I was a father. I was a great father.
Maybe, that's how I end up here. Sitting in my seat at the table watching my family. Even if it was only a small sample of my family. Sitting here in this room where Bay learned to cook. Even if it took two years. In this room where there is a height chart for all eight of my children on the wall. Here in this room where I watched us all grow up.
Toto came running in the house. The stupid beagle stops in his tracks to bark at me. Just like any other time that he sees me. I think he can actually see me. That could be crazy. Emmy who was sitting on the sofa throws a pillow at him. "I think that dog has lost his mind." She says to Lucas, who is sitting on the loveseat devouring a bowl of popcorn. She just looks at the dog that she begged us to get after Clara moved out. We gave in because one dog was about the work on one kid. Clara for ToTo was a fair trade. Bay named him, laughing that it was perfect. We weren't in Kansas anymore after all.
"ToTo shut it." Bay said as she walked in the house throwing a dog biscuit at the dog. "How was your day Em?" She asked as she looked over at Emmy.
"I had a chem test that reminded me how much I can't wait to be done with high school." Emmy said as she turned around to look at her mother. Bay just walked passed me to sit next to Emmy on the sofa.
"You could always fail and stay with Mommy forever." Bay said simply. She had been fearing the empty nest since Mason left. It was hard. She was masking it for so long. The sound of the television brings me out of my thoughts. I just sit there and watch it with them. Just like I would if the accident never happened. I just watch as Mason comes in without Rachel as holding a bag.
"Ma, I brought food." He said as he placed the bag on the table.
"Where is Mrs. Hilton?" Bay asked as she looked at him. You need to work on your zinger's Bay they are getting worse.
"Rachel is sick. So, I can't stay for dinner." He said as he walked over to hug his mother. She just looked at him.
"I will see you Thursday right?" She asked. He just stepped away.
"Actually, Rachel wants to have dinner with her dad." He said as he looked at his mother. She just stood up and walked over to the list she had on the fridge and crossed more stuff off.
"I don't see why I pushed eight of you out of my body when I can't even get you to show up for dinner." She said as she looked at him before huffing off to the bedroom. I watched as Emmy got up.
"Xavier has a final. Gwen has to work. Now you aren't coming. I thought you all understood. I guess you don't." She said before she ran upstairs. I watched as Mason looked at Lucas before his phone rang again.
"Go, I will try to fix this." Lucas said as he looked at Mason. I was surprised when Mason actually left. I just sat there watching the fallout. They need me. I am stuck here and they need me. I just watch as Lucas puts the food away. Feeding ToTo the rolls. "It looks like it's another lonely hearts dinner. I thought they were doing better. What can we do boy?" He asked the dog as if he was going to answer. Time to leave. Their pain just kills me. Even Lucas and ToTo looking that way... its like having a knife through my heart.