Chapter 31: If You Build It...
"Hammers and nails, ladies! Hammers and nails!" Chris yells, while slamming a hammer against a random piece of wood on the ground. He hauls off and smashes himself in the thumb, screaming immediately as he rolls onto his side and starts crying.
Beside him, Jill is erecting her own booth. "Easy does it, Christopher," she advises, tucking a nail behind her ear, holding one in her mouth, and then closing one eye to zero in on the nail in her hand. She carefully taps the nail into the wood, smiling at her progress- although that causes the nail in her mouth to drop down her shirt. "AAH! NO NO NO!" Jill screams, flailing around.
The others are spread out along the boardwalk as well, working hard to build their booths. Setbacks seem to be abundant. Leon is trying to upgrade his hammer, and Ada won't stop cartwheeling around and sabotaging everyone's work. She keeps insisting that she can't help it, but Claire has taken to chasing her around with a power saw after Ada shot a grappling hook through the window of her booth. Sheva and Josh have dropped by to help, but a swarm of chickens arrived as well and they have been tasked with rounding them up. Barry is helping them by strutting around and flapping his arms. Billy is making Steve build his booth, while he writes love letters to Rebecca. Steve hands that job off to Brad while HE writes love letters to Claire. And Brad is just sitting in the sand and crying. The Birkin couple is squabbling over whose booth blueprints are superior, while their daughter sighs uncontrollably. Ashley is holding her hammer upside-down and trying to pound a screw into a rock. Anthony, having glued his hands together, is now just looking at a pile of equipment and wondering how all of this stuff got here in the first place.
On the bad guy side of the beach, Wesker is shouting commands while laughing evilly. Krauser has assembled his robots to do his dirty work. Marcus has assembled his leeches, but they are having trouble dragging planks of wood around. After Krauser starts making fun of this, the robots and leeches quickly wage war upon each other. Kid Nemesis is just plopped on his fanny in the sand, quietly building a sand castle. Morpheus is doing his hair. Hunk, like Ada, can't help his saboteur urges and is currently hiding behind a sand dune, trying to resist the urge to knock down Salazar's booth. Alfred is trying to shout over Wesker and give orders to Kamesen, who is just standing with his arms crossed and shaking his head with wide, unblinking eyes. Carlos, on the other hand, has removed his shirt and is sweating under the morning sun as he fiercely pounds nail after nail into his booth. A small crowd of women, and even one or two men has gathered to behold this spectacle.
After a good couple of hours' work, the crews take a rest. Wesker has fallen asleep on his feet, and is mumbling commands between snoring. Krauser has converted one of his robots into a George Foreman grill and is cooking up burgers on the beach, while Kid Nemesis watches and licks his teeth in anticipation. Alfred is complaining about sand in his shoes, to which Marcus and Morpheus simultaneously yell at him to just go barefoot. Carlos and Salazar have set up a couple of hammocks, and are strumming on guitars and singing Spanish lullabies. Kamesen sings along, but only on the words that he knows.
On the good guy side of the beach, Claire and Barry have gathered some driftwood. Leon uses his trusty lighter to start a fire, and Josh and Brad start cooking some franks'n'beans that washed ashore in crates from the crashed sub. Ashley is grateful to have something other than porridge to eat. Chris and Jill are sitting back-to-back, Chris playing a harmonica while Jill fans herself with her beret. The Birkins have gathered several crustaceans, and dug out little pools for them to swim in while they discuss which would be the best to transform into a monstrous creature using the G-Virus. Rebecca is rolling her eyes at this, but taking notes anyway. Sheva and Steve try to figure out what kind of condiments they could scrounge up to go with the franks'n'beans, and Anthony sits by the ocean to see if he can refine sea salts with a magnifying glass and some leaves. Billy is sitting a little ways down the beach, looking for shells to make a necklace with.
Aaaand Hunk and Ada are making out in the surf, liplocked and rolling around as waves crash into them.
"This is the life," Krauser says, taking a bite out of his burger. He pauses chewing as he watches Kid Nemesis shove three burgers into his gaping maw at the same time, chomping messily.
"I am inclined to agree," Marcus replies, tossing some burger to his leeches, who devour it while making cute grunty noises. Morpheus nods while chewing, thoughtfully squishing his burger in one hand. A duck waddles up suddenly, quacking as it snatches the burger in its bill and swallows it whole. "HEY!" Morpheus shouts, chasing after it.
Alfred squirts some mustard onto his burger, frowning as he gets some on his expensive Victorian jacket, but chooses to ignore it for the time being. "Where did we even FIND this food?" he asks to no one in particular, taking a hearty bite of his burger.
"You're welcome," Kamesen grunts, jamming an entire pickle into his burger.
"YOU did this?" Morpheus blurts as he jogs up, the duck quacking and kicking its feet under one of his arms.
Carlos shrugs and reaches for a slice of cheese. "He IS the author, after all."
Kamesen snaps open a beer and raises it with sarcastic ceremony before taking a swig.
Salazar sets his plate aside, looking betrayed as he hops to his feet and brushes sand off of his bottom. "Wait, where deed you get a BEER from?! I want a BEER!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Kamesen replies, holding the beer to the side. A young woman in a bikini smiles and takes it, holding it for him.
Krauser narrows his eyes. "And where did those supermodels come from?"
"JUST SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR BURGERS," Kamesen yells.
Back on the good guy side of the beach, everyone is enjoying franks'n'beans. Except Steve, who is eating udon noodles in a sea salt broth with spinach, artichokes, and shitake mushrooms.
Jill furrows her eyebrows, looking down at her bowl and then Steve's. "Where the HELL did you get that?!" she demands.
Steve shrugs, slurping up a noodle. "I'm a vegan. The author has accommodated my needs."
A distant 'SHUT UP' can be heard from the other side of the beach.
Chris leans over, peeking at Jill's bowl. "I think you got more franks in your franks'n'beans than I did," he mumbles. Jill angrily responds by grabbing his cheeks and squishing them.
William and Annette are dissecting their meal, conducting experiments with the beans and taking many notes. "They don't seem to like the beans," William notes, poking at a crab which promptly grabs his stick in its big claw and snaps it in half.
"Good," Annette says. "More for me." She makes a quirked face as she shifts to the side. Moments later, William raises his eyebrows, frowns, crinkles his nose, and glares at his wife.
Sherry, Ashley, Barry, and Brad are using bits and pieces of their meal as bait, attempting to catch some fish off a nearby pier using sticks and string. "I got a BIG one!" Ashley declares, reeling in her string quickly. Her excited smile slowly becomes a frown of disappointment as a withered old boot appears at the end of her line. "Aw NUTS!" With a huff, she chucks the boot behind her.
Just then, Sherry gets a tug on her line. Curious, she tugs back. Del Lago explodes out of the water, roaring furiously. The four fishermen leap up from the pier, scrambling for the shore.
Claire and Billy are poking at the fire with sticks, while Rebecca, Leon and Anthony do pushups in the sand. Anthony has fallen asleep on his face after two pushups.
Suddenly, Ada walks up and plops down on a log, breathing hard and soaking wet. Her hair is a mess, despite her attempts to fix it as she nervously looks around the campsite. Claire raises her eyebrows, glancing at the woman, but saying nothing before turning her attention back to the fire. Billy just suppresses a chuckle. Anthony is still asleep, and Rebecca has chosen to use him as a pillow, kicking back to catch a few z's herself. Leon is the first to speak.
"Let me guess. You were just 'distracting the enemy'," he sneers, rolling his eyes.
Ada glances at him, somewhat wide-eyed, water still dripping from her hair. "Yes. Yes I was," she states.
Leon blinks, surprised. "Oh. Ok." He hands Ada a bag of marshmallows that she is making grabby hands for.
Over at the bad guy side, Hunk drags himself over to a beach chair and plops down in it, blowing out a slow breath as he peers around the camp. Everyone is just staring at him and chewing their food very, very slowly.
The grizzled operative starts to say something, then stops, starts again, then thinks for a moment. Finally he snaps. "I HAD TO DO IT," he blurts. "She... I didn't want her to sabotage our gear! So I...sabotaged..her heart."
Krauser clasps his hands beside his cheek, sighing wistfully while Wesker spits his food out in a nearby bush. Salazar just cackles.
Marcus stares quietly at Hunk, his lower lip quivering softly. "Hunk?" he starts, getting the man's attention. Marcus gathers his courage.. "What is it like to love a woman?"
Hunk is too busy shoving his mouth full of hotdog to answer. Morpheus reaches over and slugs Marcus on the shoulder.
Carlos and Alfred look up from their game of Uno as Wesker stumbles back out of the bushes, wiping his mouth off. "Alright you despicable vermin, back to work!" he orders.
Both crews spend a few more hours in the hot afternoon sun setting up booths. Lessons are learned.. friendships strengthened.. feelings hurt.. wallets stolen..
Chris instructs his sister about the do's and don'ts of using a table saw.
Alfred learns that paint taste bad.
Barry and Billy figure out how to make the perfect paper airplane.
Jill discovers fire.
Krauser throws Salazar into the ocean.
Rebecca teaches Anthony and Brad about mitosis.
Ashley teaches Steve about applying eyeliner.
Marcus and Morpheus form a barbershop duet.
Leon and Sheva build a sandcastle.
Brad builds a sadcastle.
Ada spies on Hunk.
Hunk spies on Ada.
Wesker orders Carlos to go get some 'really really good' sake.
William and Annette give Sherry, who is still aged up to 25, 'the talk'.
Kid Nemesis takes a nap.
Josh starts a boat collection.
Excella offers Irving some cheese to go with his whine.
"Wait how did they get here," Wesker demands blandly, pointing at the despicable duo. Irving retorts by breathing super hard between his teeth and drooling a lot.
Excella merely sighs. "Calm your forehead vein, Irving." She beholds Wesker in all of his tight-leather-pants-glory. "Wesky my dear, we are here to mend and defend."
Irving hops forward excitedly. "Meowth, dat's right!"
"Uuuurgh," Wesker rubs his temple. "These 90's pop culture references are killing me. Alright." He stiffly locks his arms by his sides. "If you want to help, then go.. freaking... well, Excella you can start by putting on a damn bra."
The once-calm-but-now-fiery Italian woman grits her teeth, glaring at Wesker. "How DARE you order me to do such a thing!" she yells, stomping her foot and inadvertently causing her boobs to flop out of her skimpy dress. Thankfully the censor blurs are quick to compensate. Excella calms down, tucking her chin to study the mishap. "Hmm. Ok, I see your point."
Irving nervously hands her his jacket and the two rush off to get changed into work clothes.
Whirling around three times, Wesker then slams his attentions toward Krauser. "Comrade Krauser, I need you to go spy on comrade Hunk who claims that he is spying on ex-comrade Ada, yet I really know that he's actually making out with her. Do this before things escalate and our comrade becomes a comdad."
Krauser psyches himself up quietly, and runs off. Little does he know that Hunk is secretly clinging to his back. Wesker sees this, and is about to say something, but stops. He shrugs to no one and reviews the rest of his crew.
Suddenly, from way down the beach, Salazar swervingly zips up in a miniature dune buggy and holds out an envelope. "Telegram for Meester Wesker."
Wesker bares his teeth and snatches the envelope. Salazar floors the gas and zips away again. Ripping open the seal, Wesker finds a note. He reads it aloud. "Dear Pesky Wesky, we will have such much better booths than you, you are dumb and stupid and a idiot ha ha ha ps this is Chris lol". Seething with molten fury, Wesker crumples the note in his hand and it incinerates to dust. "REDOUBLE YOUR EFFORTS TIMES TEN," he yells. "WE HAVE TO BEAT THOSE GOODY-TWO-SHOES FOOLS."
"AYE-AYE!" the crew answers heartily.
Back at the good guy side of the beach, Leon is pounding some wood but good. Opposite him, holding up the wood that he is pounding, Claire encourages him with hardcore yelling. Caught up in the borderline carnage and general excitement, Brad is kneeling in the sand between them and looking back and forth from Leon to Claire, screaming at the top of his lungs. His face is really red.
Standing atop a lifeguard tower, Sheva constantly spins around while clutching some binoculars. She's got all possible entrances covered. Suddenly, she stops spinning and leans forward, wobbling a bit. "LOOK OUT!" she yells, pointing in the distance and promptly stumbling off of the tower into the sand below. "YA NEEDABE CAREFUL."
Everyone stops what they're doing, whipping out all manner of firearms. They spot Krauser chugging along the shoreline, hunched over. Seeing that he's been sought, the muscled mercenary looks around for a frantic moment before jumping awkwardly into the shallow surf.
"I can still see you!" Sheva yells, trying to get to her feet, still dizzy as heck.
Krauser holds his breath and sticks his face in the water.
Everyone just watches him. Hunk is still clinging to his back, but now he's just embarrassed by the whole thing. Hunk discreetly lets go and rolls off Krauser's back, running away.
A few bubbles break the surface near Krauser's head. After a moment, he pulls his head up, gasping loudly. Looking around, he notices that everyone is still looking at him. "GRR, no you don't see me, I'm invisible!" he growls.
Leon walks up, hands on hips. "Krauser what the HECK are ya doin' here," he demands demandingly.
Krauser jumps up, squaring off with the smaller, more beautiful man. "None of your BEESWAX, COMRADE," he grunts, putting HIS hands on his hips.
Leon slaps his face and runs off. Krauser tries to chase him, but trips over Anthony, who is still asleep. Jill cartwheels over and stands before the prone, struggling Krauser, sizing up the situation with her hands hanging by her sides and a thoughtful eyebrow quirked. She opens her mouth and coffee pours out, splattering onto Krauser's face. He squeals and flails about, defeated.
Chris runs up, holstering his gun. "Good work Jill," he says with a nod. "How long were you holding that coffee in your mouth?"
Jill tries to answer, but more coffee just spills out of her mouth, getting all over her shirt. She sighs and walks away to keep working on her booth.
Chris and Barry lean over to interrogate Krauser. "What's your problem, man?" Chris asks.
Krauser huffs and puffs for a few moments, but finally answers. "I'll never answer," he answers.
"LOGIC PUZZLE," Rebecca shrieks, racing forward to bury an intense World Cup soccer kick into Krauser's waiting stomach. He 'hoof's' dramatically, puking up a half-eaten cupcake before curling into a ball.
Suddenly, Salazar zips up on his dune buggy. He throws Krauser over the roll cage and flicks a booger at the good guys before racing off again at a high-pitched whine.
"Well, that happened," Claire states bleakly. "Ok back to work!"
Back on the bad guy side of El Beacho, Alfred is busy digging Krauser's grave. Wesker supervises, cackling evilly now and then. Carlos sings a really sad song.
"Oh you're back," Wesker mumbles suddenly, acknowledging Salazar as he drives up and dumps a sniffling Krauser onto the sand. Wesker hurriedly boots Alfred into the open grave, yielding a butthurt 'HEY' from the man.
Morpheus strides up, sipping on a coconut drink. "Soooo, how'd it gooooo," he asks casually.
Wesker shoves Morpheus out of the way. "Tell me everything that you found out," he demands, squishing Krauser's cheeky-weekys.
The blonde hunk of man-meat rises, nodding three or four times at his leader. "Yes," he answers. "The COMRADES have begun construction on their booths. I anticipate that they will finish them exactly at the same time that we finish ours."
Carlos raises his eyebrows. "Oh yeah? How d'you figure that?"
"Because the author is lazy."
Kamesen falls out of a coconut tree, slamming onto the beach. "I resent that statement!" he grunts. Wesker boots him into the open grave on top of Alfred. "ITAI."
Carlos furrows his eyebrows now, turning to stare at the tree. "Are coconut trees native to Japan?"
"They are today," Kamesen answers, his head poking up past the opening of the grave.
"How are you doing that?"
"I'm standing on Alfred's face."
Unintelligible angry screaming comes from below Kamesen. He rolls his eyes and climbs out of the grave with Marcus and Carlos's help, then begrudgingly reaches in and pulls Alfred out too. The sassy Ashford responds to his newfound freedom by screaming some more and tearfully assaulting Wesker with many slaps.
Wesker ignores the slappings while gazing over at the coconut tree. "We shall use its bark to build our booths," he grumbles happily. And then breaks into half an hour of wicked cackling. Everyone groans in dismay and tries to ignore him while they work.
As the sun dips to meet the waiting ocean on the horizon, and the city lights do their thing in the distance, our heroes, anti-heroes, villains, and general miscreants step back to admire the fruits of their laborious wood-pounding.
Chris, Sheva, and Leon have constructed a 'Chicken Chaser' booth. It's a simple yet effective design, featuring a main gate and a large pen. The goal is to run around the pen and grab up any chickens you can. The more you catch, the more you win! How fun.
Meanwhile, Jill and Ada have set up a 'Spy & Lockpick' booth. It consists of several small hallways with locked doors. The goal is to sneak past Jill and Ada, pick the locks on the doors, and escape. Simple enough, right?
Claire, Billy, Barry, and Josh have built a classic shooting range. Various targets have been set up, from circular targets to cutouts of Wesker, and the goal is to try and hit the bullseye. Nothing could possibly go wrong there!
Then we have Ashley and Steve's 'Makeover Booth'. The goal is to...let them make you more beautiful? I don't even know.
What fair is complete without a kissing booth? Brad and Anthony wound up manning that one, somehow. Good luck, fellows.
Wrapping up the good guys' side is the 'Science Booth', featuring The Birkins and Rebecca. They have set up a lab bench with test tubes, beakers, Bunsen burners, and other equipment. William insists that all the 'chemicals' featured are completely safe, and Annette even claims that it's all just apple juice and food coloring. But who knows?
First up on the bad guys' side is Wesker and Krauser's 'Give Us Your Money And We Won't Kick You' booth. I think I get the gist of what this one is about.
Next is the 'Punch Alfred' booth, featuring Hunk and Alfred. It's a very stark design, featuring a sign with an arrow pointing to a stool where Alfred sits. Yikes.
'Drama Theatre', on the other hand, is a complex and elaborate booth with rows of seats and a small stage. Marcus, Morpheus, and Kid Nemesis seem very proud of this one. Who knows what sorts of interesting shows they will put on?
Carlos, Salazar, and Kamesen man the 'Snacks and Whatnot' booth. What sort of tasty treats will the author cook up with the help of these misguided mercenaries? I'm the author, and even I don't want to know what they're cooking.
Finally, the RE4 merchant has set up shop as well. His booth is chock full of fun-filled fun toys and games rather than ridiculously powerful firearms, though. Good on him for keeping this a family-friendly environment or something.
Quite tuckered out from all their building and screaming and sabotaging and stuff, the groups set up respective camps involving all manner of tents and hammocks and sleeping bags. The night may be young, but tomorrow is a big day.. Possibly the biggest doggone day of their lives.
Author's notes: Well grab your paintbrushes and color me excited, folks. We're slowly...steadily...crawling towards the climax of this amazing and well-written tale! Will the booths that the good and bad guys built be enough to raise five dollars for either side?! Who will raise the cold hard cash first?! What kind of hanky-panky nonsense is going to happen in the next chapter which is obviously going to be ridiculous fluffy filler bullcrap?! Keep this family-friendly, Kamesen! What the heck! Tune in next time to find out what the heck is up with Hunk and Ada (or not) and what the heck Alexia and Saddler are up to! ON THE NEXT 'RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST!' Please for f(car horn)ck's sake enjoy this nonsense.