Chapter 34: Pay Day
"REPORT," Wesker barks, getting no one's attention. He holds up some papers, slapping them intently. "REPORT, DAG NABBIT. HOW MUCH CASH DID WE MAKE?!"
"He's starting to sound like Alexia," Morpheus grumbles, rolling his eyes. Marcus snorts gently, offering a smirk. Morpheus takes the smirk and thanks him.
"I agree," Marcus replies, tossing his hair aside with quiet gusto. Meanwhile, Wesker is in the background just stomping his foot ineffectively into the sand while yelling. "And that's a bad thing, because while her authority is iron-fisted and firm, Albert would look ghastly in a dress."
"REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Wesker hollers, throwing his head back. "-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
Alfred, who is building a sand castle with Nemesis, covers his ears and glares in annoyance at the man. Nemesis sighs, his massive legs splayed on either side of the little castle. He plants a tiny flag on top.
"-OOOOOOOOO-" Wesker's face is starting to get red.
"SHUT UP!" Salazar shrieks, throwing sand at him, but it just gets caught in the wind and comes back to hit him in the face. He starts screaming and running around until he falls into the ocean, where his garbled screaming continues underwater.
Hunk stomps up, slaps a sticky-note into Wesker's hand, and walks away again.
The bespectacled badman adjusts his shades, having ceased his cry, and focuses on the note. "'Dear Wesker,'" he reads aloud, "'this is Kamesen. I wrote most of this chapter, but then it got erased because I was writing it at work and my POS Dell work computer broke. I'm..I'm so sorry. Anyway, let's get this show on the road.'" Wesker crumples up the note. "Well good. Where is that idiot anyway." He chucks the note at Carlos, who stands unflinchingly as the ball of paper bounces off his head.
Krauser peeps out at the ocean, watching as Salazar's body floats by face-down. "He's not out here," the large man grumbles.
"Maybe he'd respond to a bribe," Irving slathers, stuffing a Boston cream doughnut into his mouth and chewing messily. He horfs amusedly at Excella, who just beans him upside the head with an alarm clock.
"As if," she scoffs. "Ah wait I'm supposed to be drunk, aren't I..?" She whips out a bottle of champagne, eyeing it somewhat hungrily. "At least, I was in the earlier draft of this chapter."
Carlos folds his arms across his chest, looking thoughtful. "Champagne is nice, but it would be better with some PIZZA."
Salazar's body is lifted suddenly as Kamesen pops his head out of the water. "Pizza?!" he shrieks, scrambling to slog out of the surf and onto the beach, tossing Salazar to the sand along the way. "Where. Where pizza." He looks from Carlos to Excella, the latter of whom regards him with more distaste than a cat glaring at a chunk of boiled broccoli.
Wesker teleports over, slapping Kamesen across the face. "There is no pizza," he informs, giving the shocked author a minute to recover before continuing. "Now that we're all here, I would like everyone's official report." He snaps a straightened hand at Krauser. "Go."
The warpaint-clad muscle man makes a frowny face. "Despite the thousands of times that you kicked me, no money was made at our booth."
Wesker frowns pretty hard, but directs his attention to Alfred and Hunk next. "You."
"Nothin'," Hunk grunts, shrugging nonchalantly.
"Regrettably," Alfred adds, "I confirm this. There was no flow of cash, none at all." He lowers his voice, sighing. "Despite my suffering at the hands of those vicious little tykes." This earns an amused snort from Hunk.
Wesker sighs eight times at once, and moves on, gesturing to Excella and Irving.
"Um," Irving starts, looking nervous, "We.. we didn't really.. have a booth."
Wesker's expression hardens. "What."
"Don't give me that look!" Excella warns, placing her hands intimidatingly upon her hips.
"I won't," Wesker assures, continuing to glare at Irving, who panics for a few moments before literally burying his head in the sand.
Wesky groans in aggravation and moves on, gesturing with a half-hearted arm flop at Morpheus, Marcus, and Nemesis.
Marcus steps forward, beaming with pride. "Our combined efforts yielded two dollars and forty cents!" he announces, fighting the urge to break into song. Morpheus claps his fingertips together gleefully, his shoulders so inwardly scrunched with barely tamed excitement that his collarbone snaps in half.
While Morpheus rolls around in the sand screaming, Wesker emotionlessly accepts the money from Marcus. "That's… it?"
Marcus recoils, insulted. "What do you mean 'That's it?'?! We worked tirelessly at our craft to earn this money!" he insists. Nemesis barks in agreement.
Wesker just sighs for the thirtieth time that day and pockets the cash. "Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, wonderful." He makes a 'shoo go away' gesture with his hand, prompting Marcus to 'hmph!' and waltz off angrily. Then Wesker addresses Carlos, Salazar, and-
"Hey, come back here!" Carlos shouts, reaching over to grab Kamesen's shirt as the author tries to slink away.
"So," Wesker begins, "how much money did the snack stand bring in?"
Kamesen swaggers forward, hands on hips. Excella spits out a mouthful of champagne, doubling over with laughter at the sight. "A whopping TEN CENTS, PAL!" Kamesen announces, throwing a dime at Wesker's head. Wesker snaps it out of the air with a blurred movement, causing Kamesen to turn and run off shrieking. Krauser nails him in the back of the head with a Nerf arrow. The author hits the sand and just lays there crying.
Wesker fondles the dime calmly, doing the math in his brilliant head. Three hours later, he says "Still not enough money. We would need to double this somehow."
Irving yanks his head out of the sand. "We could steal it from da good guys!"
"Excellent idea, dirtbag," Wesker notes. He nods at Hunk. "Hunk, go do that."
"I'm on it," Hunk says in a low, husky spy voice. He crouches down and stealthily hurries away toward the good-guy side of the beach.
Moments later, Hunk and Ada are violently making out in the surf again.
MEANWHILE, ON THE GOOD GUY SIDE OF THE BEACH..
Chris has everyone lined up and he's marching by with his hands clasped behind his back like some kind of drill instructor. "ALRIGHT YOU MAGGOTS," he shouts, "YOU ALL BETTER PAY ATTENTION."
Billy is trying not to laugh, as he was actually in the Marines and this is hilarious by comparison. Jill is cross-eyed and sticking her tongue out, doing her best Benny Hill salute. Brad is trying not to cry.
Everyone else is more or less unenthused, except for Anthony and Rebecca who are standing sharply at the position of attention. Anthony forgets not to lock his knees and promptly passes out. Rebecca quickly tends to him.
Chris continues his tirade. "WE WORKED HARD FOR DAYS TO SCRAPE TOGETHER THIS CASH. NOW I WANT TO HEAR SOME NUMBERS. SHEVA. LEON." He gestures with bravado to his teammates, who perk up somewhat as their names are called. "HOW MUCH MONEY DID WE MAKE?!"
"STOP YELLING!" Annette yells.
Chris pouts at her, but lowers his voice. "How much how much how much. How much."
"Thirty-five cents," Leon mumbles. Sheva sprays him consolingly.
"You were there Chris," Sheva speaks up then. "The children were wild about the idea of chicken chasing at first. But then they became content to just sit there. Petting the chickens." She sighs. "For three and a half hours."
Chris frowns pretty hard, his pride obviously having been bruised by this news. "Thirty-five cents.. that's not a whole lot. Nope nope nope." He scratches his scraggly chin. "Well, it's a start."
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT, BROTHER!" Claire screams, running up and slapping him on the back.
He just looks pissed off for a second, but then sighs and waves a muscular arm at her. "Ok sis how much did the rootin' tootin' shootin' booth make?"
Billy flips him a nickel.
Unfazed, Chris stares at him while the nickel bounces off his chest and drops to the sand.
A quiet moment passes, Chris and Billy regarding each other with silent, unblinking gazes.
"THAT'S IT?!" Chris shouts. Billy shrugs and scoffs and kicks up some sand in teenage-like retaliation.
"INSIDE VOICE," Annette reminds him sternly.
"Takes it or leaves it," Billy mutters. Chris begrudgingly scoops up the coin.
"I'm sorry Chris," Josh laments. "It wasn't exactly the roaring success that we had hoped it would be."
Barry is trying really hard not to cry.
"Ok ok ok so that's.." Chris starts, going slightly cross-eyed as he stares at the collected change in his hand. "..Jill help me out with the math here."
Jill looks around, starts panicking, and then rips off her beret, searching for a calculator.
"That would be forty," Ashley states.
"Thanks, kid!" Chris screams. He then snaps his gaze to Jill again. "By the way, Jill la Jill, how much did you and Ada rake in?"
Ada, sopping wet, is examining her nails casually. "Thirty-two thousand five-hundred and eighty-two dollars and twelve cents," she states calmly.
Chris lays an egg.
Jill sighs. "But we had to give it all to the cops to bribe them not to charge us for assaulting all those men."
"DANG it!" Chris grunts, tenderly slapping a fist into his palm. "Freakin' cops!"
She regards him with a deadpan stare. "Chris, we're cops."
"FREAKIN'..US," he reiterates.
Ashley raises her hand. "Next on the program," she announces without enthusiasm.
"Yes," Chris points a hand at her. "How much did you two make at the makeover booth?"
"Nothing," Ashley reports, and drops her hand. Steve hides behind her as Chris grabs himself by the face and begins muttering obscenities.
Annette pipes up. "We made some money!"
A somewhat hopeful Chris glances at her, prompting the woman to proceed.
"And then we had to give it all back except for ten cents from a kind old woman who claimed that her bowels had never been clearer of gas than wh-"
"OH-kay," Chris interrupts, making a 'gimme' motion with one hand.
William nods to Sherry, who nods to Rebecca, who nods to Sherry, and the two women nod at each other for a moment while Rebecca pats herself down in search of the dime.
"I think your mom has it," Rebecca says finally.
Sherry nods, then turns and nods to William, who shrugs. She punches him in the arm and he sighs, glancing at his wife. "Honey, pay that man his money."
Annette is chugging a bottle of champagne. She tears the bottle away from her mouth for one moment, glaring at William. "I'M CELEBRATING," she snarls. Everyone looks on in awkward silence as Annette continues to 'celebrate' while William resorts to digging around in her pockets.
"A bit premature," he mutters, finally coming up with the coin. He tosses it to Chris, who adds it to the very small handful of change.
"That maaakes.." the leader begins to say, looking upward in deep thought.
"Fifty!" Barry shouts enthusiastically.
"Cool beans." Chris looks to Brad and Anthony. "How much did you two dopes make at your stupid kissing booth?"
Brad puffs out his chest, smirking proudly. "Seventy-five whole cents!"
"Gimz," Chris grunts, snatching the change out of Brad's waiting palm and eliciting a whimper from the other man.
"Daaang," Rebecca starts, nudging Anthony in the ribs. "Someone got his smooch on!"
The gangly lad shrugs sheepishly. "Eh, it was mostly Brad making out with that one guy, and.. Ada… making out with herself."
Rebecca guffaws briefly. "You didn't see any action, huh?"
Anthony winces slightly, furrowing his brow. "I.. kissed a little girl," he recalls, looking sour-faced. "On the cheek. At gunpoint."
"BUCK TWENTY FIVE," Chris shouts then, closing his fist around the change. "Not.. even close to five dollars."
Barry puffs his cheeks out, looking pretty stressed. Tension is high.
"We need a PLAN!" Claire shouts, grabbing her brother by the face. "YOU. PLAN. NOW."
"ANTHONY," Chris shouts awkwardly, slapping his sister's hands away. "Go find the enemy! Seduce them; no one will suspect you!"
"I..what?" Anthony stutters, looking immensely confused as usual.
"Go! Go!" Chris chants. "Seduce them! Steal their gold!"
"B-.. I-"
"DO IT OR YOU HATE AMERICA."
(two seconds later)
Anthony haltingly walks up to the bad guy side of the beach. He is immediately confronted by the hulking manmeat Krauser, who shoots him in the head with a nerf dart.
"Aaah I'm dead I'm dead," Anthony moans blandly as he keeps walking.
"YEAH!" Krauser screams, pumping his fist in victory. "KILLED that dweeb!"
Eventually, Anthony comes across Excella, who is sipping champagne while sitting on a beach lounge chair. She glances up at him, makes a face hinting at revulsion, and looks away again.
"Excella Gionne, I'm here to seduce you," Anthony states brazenly.
Excella purses her lips just noticeably. She then pulls them in further, her mouth becoming a thin line as she fights to keep from laughing. As Anthony watches in growing despair, the woman before him covers her mouth as her shoulders shake and she begins snickering. As she glances at him again, the titters explode into full-on hysterical laughter. Champagne is spilled as Excella guffaws at the ridiculous concept that has been proposed to her.
The others on the beach begin to laugh as well. Salazar zips by on his Powerwheels™ jeep and shrieks with laughter. Excella can barely breathe at this point, brought to tears by the continuous laughter. Even Chris runs up and points at Anthony.
"What a loser!" he shouts, joining in the laughter.
Passers-by start lining up on the nearby boardwalk, chuckling and pointing as well.
A helicopter hovers overhead, and lands. A man opens the door. He then leans over to another man seated inside, listens, and nods. Now he addresses Anthony. "His gloriousness, the emperor of Japan, wishes to impart this upon you." He clears his throat, and then points and laughs at Anthony. The door closes and the helicopter takes off with gusto.
Sighing, Anthony turns and walks back to the other side of the beach, followed the entire way by the salty, salty laughter.
(moments later, following a melancholy if not peaceful series of crossfades featuring softly crashing waves and birds chirping over the beach)
"I'm tired," Anthony grunts, plopping his fanny down onto a beach log next to Rebecca. She is happily chewing on a sandwich, and pauses to deliver an incomprehensible but heartfelt mumbling with her mouth full. He just nods to her, shrugging both inwardly and outwardly.
Rebecca swallows.
"HAH!" Kamesen laughs, and is promptly kneed in the groin by Rebecca.
Back at the log, Rebecca pats Anthony on the back. "It is ok, my son. Forget about it."
He gives her kind of a weird look, but then they both start laughing.
Jill walks up then, fanning herself with her beret.
"'ey Jill," Rebecca greets, nodding. Jilly gives a tired little wave and shakily sits down on the log next to Rebecca as the two make room for her. "What's the haps?"
"Never talk like that again," Jill puffs, wiping her brow before putting her beret back on, and then wiping her hand on Rebecca's shirt. The younger woman makes a frustrated little inward squeal, but doesn't otherwise retaliate.
Anthony frowns a little bit. Just a smidge. "Are you ok, Jill? Do you need some water? Bite to eat? Mm?"
Jill grins, but then it fades. "Whew. Nah I'm good. I just coordinated a heated and passionate search effort with some hand-me-down metal detectors." She sweeps a hand across the horizon, Anthony and Rebecca ducking as she nearly whacks them. "The gang should be able to dig up some coinage.. hopefully enough to get us that doggone game!"
Brad fretfully jogs up then, one hand dragging his metal detector behind him as the other wipes saliva and tears from his sobbing red face.
"What's wrong dearheart?" Jill addresses motheringly. Brad sobs and points at his metal detector.
"Detector no workie," he mumbles.
Jill tsks and reaches over, flipping the device on. Hearing a fine electric hum stirring in the metal detector, Brad brightens instantly and hugs Jill before running off again. Jill smiles tightly and uses a tissue to wipe snot out of her hair.
"I wonder if the bad guys have got enough money yet," Rebecca grumbles disdainfully, pushing the sand around with her foot. Some gets in her shoe and she purses her lips, letting out another slow-burn high-pitched internal scream.
"Nah," Jill replies, pulling her beret off and wringing it out before plopping it back onto her noggin. "If they did, Wesker would be laughing in our faces by now, all proud and sh(car horn)t."
"Cocky little freak," Rebecca growls under her breath.
Anthony sighs quietly on the log and looks around. In the distance, the rest of the crew is scouring the beach for loose change..
Brad is running back and forth gleefully, too fast to actually find anything. But he's having fun, so no one bothers him.
Chris is slamming his detector into the sand in big rage-filled overhead swings, screaming and cursing the whole time.
Claire is making her way down the beach, going 'Beep! Beep! Beep!' while scanning with her detector.
Ada finds a broken rifle scope and just sighs.
Leon is playing his metal detector like a guitar. Ashley is clapping stupidly and cheering him on. Steve is clapping even more stupidly.
Josh is clapping a hand over his eyes in dismay.
Billy and Barry are marching precisely back and forth, eyes glued to the sand, mouths set in quite serous lines.
Sheva is trying to sell her metal detector.
William and Annette have modified a metal detector to serve as a jetpack. Jill tells them that a jetpack is useless to the crew right now, which sends William into a fit of sighing while his wife goes back to the drawing board.
Sherry is taking a nap.
Suddenly, Claire finds something! Her metal detector beeps, which confuses her because she is also making beeping noises with her mouth. "Beep?" she cocks her head, turning the contraption over in her hands and furrowing her brow at it.
Jill leaps up off the log, followed closely by Rebecca and Anthony, the latter of whom trips and falls on his big dumb face but shakes it off and keeps going.
"What is it Claire?!" Jill asks, leaping into the woman's arms. Claire drops her metal detector and glares firmly and respectfully at Jill, nodding. "I don't know, Jill! Let's find out together!" She then drops Jill on her ass. Jill jumps up and adjusts her beret excitedly, staring down at the patch of sand as everyone gathers 'round.
"Anyone got a shovel?" Sheva asks, looking around.
Billy holds up a plastic spoon. Chris shoots it out of his hand disapprovingly. Billy shrugs.
Suddenly, Ashley pushes through the crowd, panting and slobbering happily. She begins digging like a puppy in a backyard, flinging sand every which way.
Barry takes the brunt of it, sputtering and swinging his hands around, yelling about his beard. Leon comes to his aid with a comb.
Josh and Ada aim guns at the hole being dug, just.. in.. case.
Rebecca, arms folded over her chest as she casually watches, leans over to Anthony. "Nine times outta ten it's an electric razor," she explains, as Ashley continues to dig. Then she lowers her voice. "But every once in a while.. it's a dildo."
Anthony snorts, spitting up coffee that he didn't know he'd been drinking. Chris gives him a weird look as the lad alternates between coughing and laughing hysterically. Rebecca remains serious, simply nodding at the hole in the sand.
A few hours later, Ashley is still digging. The others have taken turns watching, snoozing on beach chairs, playing checkers, and testing again with the metal detectors. Something's down there, alright.. it's just a matter of time until Ashley finds it. The young woman digs fervently, tongue lolling out the side of her mouth, still offering a breathless yip or bark every few moments. Brad comes over to the hole and dumps water on her head for no reason, causing her begin snarling and yapping ferociously at him until Chris drags him away and Leon calms her down.
The minutes continue to tick by.
"Oooooh," Billy sings, strumming a guitar, "makes me wonder."
"Makes me wonder," Barry echoes, singing along.
Jill plays a harmonica. Chris is asleep.
Sheva is taking potshots at Neptune's corpse that has washed up on the beach. Every time she pauses to reload, Annette runs over and takes a tissue sample from the mutated shark's body, before scrambling away again and cackling madly.
Steve's cheering Ashley on.
Josh is snoozing on a beach chair.
Brad is passed out next to the chair because he saw a crab and fainted.
William is calculating the endurance level of a college-age school girl who has the enthusiasm of a puppy.
Sherry, Leon, Claire, Ada, Anthony, and Rebecca are sitting around a small bonfire.
Rebecca is snoozing against Anthony's shoulder. He's poking the fire with a stick. Sherry is slurping on a Capris Sun she found. Leon and Claire are whittling away at some driftwood. Leon's making a flute of some kind, while Claire is content to just shave the wood down to nothing and then grabbing another piece. Ada is just trying to dry off after having made out with Hunk in the roaring surf again.
"Hey," Claire pipes up somberly, "what are we gonna do after this?"
Leon shrugs. "I dunno. Bite to eat I guess. Snack, mm?"
Ada nods sagely, wringing out her sweatshirt onto Rebecca who sputters and swipes at the air.
"Ada that was uncouth," Anthony says gently, earning two flipped-up middle fingers from the woman. He frowns.
Sherry is down to the dregs of her Capris Sun, slurping noisily.. it's at the point where she knows she's basically just sucking up her own backwash, but there's stiiiill that little hint of fruit flavor at the bottom.
"FOOOUND IIIIT," Ashley shrieks musically. The crew scrambles to attention, clambering to get a good look into Ashley's hole.
On the other side of the beach, Wesker slaps Kamesen on the back of the head.
Meanwhile, Ashley is holding up a tiny treasure chest.
"Give it here!" Chris shouts, gesturing toward his muscular torso using his muscular arm, and sweating a bit from the anticipation/effort.
"NON," Ashley shouts Frenchly, placing a hand on her generous hip and sticking her chest out defiantly. Chris gives up, weeping.
Leon peeps into the hole. "Give to daddy," he says gently, while Jill makes grabby-hand motions. Ashley smiles brightly at pop-pop and gives up the lil' box. Leon and Jill eagerly hoist it out of the hole.
"NOW ME!" Ashley screams. A cruise liner eight miles away sinks.
Leon sighs and reaches in, hoisting the twenty-something college lass out of the hole with ease. She grins and starts screaming and hugging him.
"STOP THAT," Leon grunts loudly, grabbing her face.
Ada hands him a taser, and he tases himself in the neck with it, slumping to the ground. Ashley gradually stops jumping around and just frowns.
Jill handles the box. "It's locked," she grunts. She hands it to Barry, who just starts biting it. "Oh wait," Jill splutters, realizing who she is. She reaches out and touches the box, unlocking it instantly.
Barry looks bewildered but pleased. "Master of unlocking," he marvels aloud, and opens the chest.
"What is it?" Sheva asks, looking through binoculars even though she's standing right there.
"Iiiiit's.." Jill starts, sifting through coins to count the numbers. Billy keeps reaching over and popping the bottom of the chest, making her lose count. "STOBBIT," Jill yells. Chris throws Billy on the ground and he just lays there. Jill continues counting. "IT…s…it's…ssss…."
Everyone is super tense with anticipation. Rebecca squirms. Anthony covers his eyes and controls his breathing. Steve and Brad are trying desperately to hold in squeaky little farts. Ada seems unperturbed, but then when does she not?
"Another buck twenty five," Jill announces anti-climactically.
"Bringing us to a grand total of two-fifty," Annette mumbles, stroking her chin.
"That is not five dollars," William grunts, munching on a stale doughnut. Annette decks him.
Josh sighs sadly. Brad faints. The crew is looking pretty wrecked.
Claire munches on an éclair, then swallows noisily, glaring. "Wait," she insists, licking chocolate off of her lips. She continues to lick her lips while everyone watches her. Realizing this, Claire becomes slightly embarrassed for a moment. But she quickly recovers. "Hear me out. If we have $2.50, then the freakin' bad guys probably do too."
"How in blazes do you figure that?!" Chris shouts. Jill pats him consolingly.
Claire just shakes her head. "Because the author's dumb ending is obviously to have both sides come together to play the game, thus ending the conflict, blah blah blah resolution."
"That's B.S.," Annette mutters. William nods rapidly, agreeing with his wife. Even Sherry seems perturbed by this notion.
"Is that.. really what's gonna happen here?" Rebecca wonders aloud.
"Knowing him/me," Anthony starts, rolling his eyes, "probably."
Just then, Barry lets out a somewhat alarmed shout and points across the beach. Everyone looks! Sheva pops up with her binoculars also.
Wesker and his cadre of crumpled cranky kinksters stride across the sands like so many slippery serpents.
"IT'S THE BAD GUYS," Barry screams. Billy farts nonchalantly. Brad pretends to be asleep.
Wesker marches up to Chris. Chris marches up to Wesker.
"I'll fite u."
"Like heck u will."
Wesker sneers. Chris glares.
"I will rule the world and become a God."
"Ur fake and a ho."
Wesker's eyes widen in fury at this. He screams in a high-pitched voice and rushes Chris, and the two begin a horrid slapfight.
"GIMME YOUR 2.50."
"NO. YOU GIMME."
"NO."
(soon)
Wesker and Chris stand before the counter at the Game Champ, covered in bruises and bandages. Chris sports a black eye. Wesker's got a busted lip. Both men look tired, grumpy as heck, and partially ashamed.
The clerk looks from one man to the other. Each of them slaps down two dollars and fifty cents.
Everyone else is standing outside, plastered to the windows, aching to witness this historic moment.
Chris and Wesker glance at each other, nod (while frowning deeply) and then look to the store clerk. "We'd like to buy Resident Evil 5," they say in unison.
The clerk nods. "Alright."
Both men sigh in relief, chuckling briefly as they can't believe it's finally over.
"That'll be $5.15 with tax."
Chris immediately rips the counter in half and Wesker starts crying.
Outside, the two groups look heartbroken.
"Something's wrong!" Rebecca cries.
"That jerk of a clerk is swindling us!" Alfred exclaims. He shuts up quick as a familiar figure passes by. "SISTER?!"
Alexia Ashford kicks the shop door off its hinges, sauntering in furiously. She is literally on fire.
Wesker and Chris make room for the woman, both men looking equally perturbed. The clerk's eyes are widened in disbelief and a little bit of abject terror.
She approaches what's left of the counter, slapping down fifteen cents, making the clerk flinch.
He carefully looks at her. "Uh.. d-do you have a store card-"
"Give. Them. The. Game." Alexia leans in, the bio-etheric flames roiling on her flesh hot enough to feel from the close proximity. The clerk is sweating.
"Y..yes ma'am," he squeaks, moving one hand forward to collect the money while his other hand pushes the game away from him. "P-please enjoy it."
Alexia smiles; the sort of smile where your lips turn up but your eyes are full of death and destruction.
"Thank you," she whispers, snapping the game up and turning around. She slaps the game against Chris's chest as she walks past, leaving him stunned. Alexia strides past the groups of gawking good and bad guys outside, and then flies into the air, bursts of flame shooting out of her feet.
Alfred is clapping stupidly.
William just shakes his head. "I didn't know she could do that." He looks to his wife. "Did you know she could do that?"
(soon)
The entire group, bads and goods alike, is crowded around a t.v. and an (insert console of choice that can play Resident Evil 5).
"I'm a PC gamer," Steve sniffs derisively. Anthony is too, but he doesn't say anything because he
f(car horn)cking hates Steve.
Anyway, the crew has managed to assemble somewhat peacefully at a friend of a friend's apartment in the city. Japanese apartments tend to be pretty small, but the space is used efficiently. Everyone has room, the tallest stand in the rear while the lil'uns huddle up front. The couch is reserved for the players. Chris and Wesker are seated beside one another, frowning in distaste at each other as they accept the controllers that are passed to them.
"I can't believe it's actually happening," Jill cries, rubbing tears from her eyes. Barry also is crying. In fact, he's sobbing so hard that he isn't even making any sounds.
Wesker frowns at the screen. "I don't want to play as the girl." Sheva just slowly turns her head to look at him, her eyes full of serial-killer rage.
"Well I wanna play as myself!" Chris argues.
After a furious bout of rock-paper-scissors, Chris ends up playing as Sheva and Wesker as Chris.
All watch intently as the opening cinematic plays.
Wesker predictably spends most of the time letting enemies hit Chris in the game while the real Chris yells at him. Then they find grenades. Wesker immediately throws one on the ground and makes Chris stand on it in the game, chuckling as Chris's body is sent flying.
"Hey, stop that!" Chris yells, slapping Wesker's shoulder. Wesker just chuckles again, having more fun than he's had in a long time. Using Sheva in the game, Chris has her heal his digital counterpart using f-aid spray.
"Yaneedabecareful!" Sheva shouts in-game. In the room, Sheva folds her arms over her chest.
"I don't sound like that!" She insists. Josh stifles some laughter, and she slugs him in the arm.
After the thirtieth time of purposefully failing the quicktime events just to watch Chris die, the controller is finally wrestled away from Wesker's hands by Barry and Claire. He slumps forward a little and utters a dejected 'Aww..'
Chris is allowed to play as Chris, much to his joy. Sheva is allowed to play as Sheva. Wesker, standing beside the couch now with his arms folded over his chest, still chuckles every time Chris gets hit in the game.
"Ooh there I am!" Excella points, hopping up and down as she points to herself on the screen. It's the scene where she's fondling Wesker. Naturally, she attempts to do so in real-time as well, but Wesker fervently avoids her.
Irving, meanwhile, is lamenting his own in-game death.
Suddenly, the gameplay is interrupted by a call.
Alfred pulls the communicator out of his pocket. Alexia and Saddler can be seen on screen.
"Let us watch!" she demands. Alfred shrugs and points the communicator at the television. "This game sucks!" Alexia shouts. Saddler is trying to yell at Salazar, who just pulls his hat down and focuses on the t.v.
Steve is still asking when he's gonna show up in the game. No one has the heart to tell him that his first and last game was Code Veronica.
Hunk and Ada are being backseat gamers and criticizing Chris and Sheva's tactics during the Wesker/Jill fight. Jill, meanwhile, is sighing and shaking her head at the ridiculous outfit she's wearing on the screen.
Wesker is just cackling. But then he starts shouting when Chris shoots him in-game. Excella won't stop screeching in general every time Wesker does something in the game.
Barry has a fanboy moment when Sheva finds the ridiculously large handgun.
William and Annette bemoan the weird chest-device thingy, Annette rambling about how ineffective a device it would be, while William complains about how tacky it looks.
Sherry found some hot cocoa and she's just enjoying the show.
Nemesis claps when Chris and Sheva achieve another triumphant cutscene, but he hangs his head in shame when Krauser shoots him a snotty look.
Marcus and Morpheus appear to be making bets with Billy and Josh over..something or other.
Brad keeps fainting every time there's an enemy on screen.
Rebecca starts to worry that he's just going to keel over dead at some point.
Claire gets bored and starts bumping Chris's controller, causing the grown man to childishly slap at her hand and scream 'DON'T.' repeatedly.
Leon is getting way too enthusiastic about the gameplay. Ashley and Carlos have to pull him away from the t.v. when he gets too close.
Kamesen is just sitting on the floor drawing in a sketchbook. Irving keeps trying to get him to draw 'sick bewbz'.
Steve hands Kamesen a $20. Kamesen glances up from what he's sketching, and stares at the teen. Steve just smiles and nods, winking knowingly.
"Where did you get this money," Kamesen says flatly, glaring.
"I was saving it for an emergency," Steve explains. He lowers his voice to a whisper. "I'll pay you twenty bucks to draw Claire naked."
Kamesen reaches over quietly, aiming a very large handgun at Steve's head. From behind, Claire is also pointing an equally large handgun at the back of his head.
Steve very, very slowly reaches forward and takes the twenty bucks back.
"One pie," Claire says evenly, gun not wavering in the slightest. "New York style. Cheese."
"I-is that gonna be enough?" Steve mumbles.
Kamesen's eyes roll back in his head and he lets his hand hover over the $20 bill. He strains, breaking out in a sweat. Claire kicks him in the ribs. Kamesen grunts in pain, hand twitching. The $20 changes to a $100.
"Seven pies," Claire says.
Sherry peeks over. "And a coke!" She grins, having returned to her 12-year-old self.
Claire smiles and ruffles her hair. "How'd you get back to normal, ya little scamp?"
Sherry wriggles away from her hand, snarling and barking.
Annette hugs her daughter, settling the youngin' down. "When you forced the author's authoritative powers, he had already been taxed to the limit. Some of his power had to be taken from another source. Namely, my wittle aged-up daughter," she explains, pinching Sherry's cheeks. Sherry hasn't stopped barking.
Anthony glances over nervously. "Oh.. great. She's back."
Sherry pops up, scrambling across the couch as Chris and Sheva grunt and shift to look around her as she hops onto the opposite couch arm like a prairie dog. "YOU MISSED ME, YOU BIG JERK!"
Rebecca stifles a chuckle, pacifying the little beast with some fruit rollups from her pocket. Sherry is sated.. temporarily.
As the gameplay continues, the two groups.. actually seem to be enjoying themselves a little.
The pizza arrives and everyone cheers, Claire throwing the hundred-dollar bill at the delivery guy as hard as she can, only to have it flutter gently into his pocket. He speeds away without another word.
Claire and Hunk bring up the pizzas, setting them on a table for all to enjoy. She hands a slice to Chris, along with a napkin so that he doesn't get the controller all greasy.
Wesker teleports over and drools at the stack of pies while Hunk offers a paper plate with a fresh slice to Sheva, whispering cheat codes to her for infinite herbs as he does so.
Salazar is hopping up and down madly as everyone lines up for a slice. Leon takes pity on the poor lil' devil, handing him a slice. The tiny tyrant stuffs it in his mouth immediately, screaming with a mouthful as he runs away because it's too hot, but he keeps eating anyway.
Nemesis politely takes only one slice, chewing slowly on it even though he could easily devour a whole pizza by himself. Then Claire tells him that one of the pizzas is actually his. The hulking bioweapon immediately grabs a box and tears into it like Cookie Monster.
Hunk steals Ada's slice. Ada steals Hunk's slice.
Chris and Jill try to make a toast using their slices of pizza, but the pizza just kind of mushes together.
Barry is alternating between taking bites of pizza and then drinking from his water pistol, much to Annette's disbelief.
William takes a bite of his slice, looks around carefully, then spits it into a test tube and shoves it in his pocket. He begins chuckling evilly. Carlos just stares at the man, munching quietly and shaking his head.
Sherry, in the meantime, has devoured her slice and is passed out on the couch, leaning against the sofa arm and snoring lightly. Claire ruffles the gal's hair and puts a blanket on her.
Josh and Billy have a contest to see who can go the longest eating red chili flakes on their pizza without drinking water.
Rebecca, Morpheus, and Marcus awe at Anthony as he teaches them the 'pizza fold' technique where you fold your slice in half and eat it.
"Amateur," Kamesen grumbles, putting one slice face down on another and cramming them into his face.
Alfred teaches Brad the best way to blow on a slice to cool it down. "This really blows!" Brad jokes, and the two fall over in hysterical laughter. Excella resists the urge to stomp on them.
Krauser and Leon are sharing some toppings that they had stowed away. Krauser uses a knife to slice up some nice pepperoni, while Leon tosses some mushrooms on board.
"This is making me hungry!" Kamesen interjects. Everyone looks at him. He glances around, realizing how strange he sounds. "No I mean.. like in real life. Right now. ..As I'm writing this."
Jill just grabs his face and shakes it lightly.
Where was I.
OH right, Ashley and Steve are enjoying their slices. Irving runs up suddenly. "Heheh.. heheh.. you kids wanna see something craaaazy?!" he screams, and flips his slice around, biting the crust first.
Ashley just rolls her eyes. "This isn't stuffed crust," she grunts. Steve titters appropriately.
Krauser reaches over with a can of Squeezy Cheeze and sprays it in Irving's mouth. The man flails and screams with his mouth closed for a moment, but then his eyebrows lift in glee and he chews pleasurably on the cheese/crust combo.
Chris and Sheva finally beat the game, and everyone cheers. Except Wesker. He is fervently booing.
"I'll be back in the next game!" he shouts.
Leon shakes his head. "Naw, you're not in 6."
"I'm not?"
"No, but me and Chris are."
"Woohoo! Nah nah boo boo!" Chris taunts.
Ada gnaws on a piece of crust. "You have amnesia though."
"Am I in it?!" Claire shouts.
Ada shakes her head. "No, but Sherry is."
"Woohoo!"
"You're grown up though."
Annette grabs her daughter, crushing her with a motherly hug. "My little Sherry-ware all grown up! Is she a burgeoning biologist in the game?!"
Leon looks a little uncomfortable, clearing his throat. "Um.. not exactly. She's some kind of mercenary."
"YEAH MOTHER F(car horn)CKER!" Sherry yells, throwing a bowl of popcorn across the room. William shushes his kin.
Chris grabs his sister and gives her a noogie. "Don't worry Claire; I hear you're starring in an upcoming game, alongside one of Barry's daughters."
"My WHAT?" Barry pipes up, looking surprised.
Jill glances at him. "Your canonical daughters, Barry. You mentioned them in the first game. You showed us a picture of th-"
"I DID NO SUCH THING!" Barry shouts, crouching down and attempting to hide himself.
Meanwhile, Alfred pouts. "I only got to be in one game."
Ashley pats his back. "You had Darkside Chronicles."
He sniffles, patting her hand in return. "Thank you, dearie."
"HEY!" Alexia yells over the communicator. "Quit getting all nostalgic over there!" She and Saddler are eating toasted pizza rolls in celebration of the pizza-eating that is taking place currently.
"Yeah!" Saddler adds. "Some of us really only did get one game!"
Leon stands up, brushing pizza crumbs off his chest. "Saddler," he pauses, smirking. "You're small time."
Alexia starts laughing at Saddler while he moans Lucille Ball style. Pretty much everyone joins in the laughter, until even Saddler himself starts laughing, having apparently forgotten why everyone else was laughing in the first place.
All's well that ends well, right?! After nearly ten years of writing, the adventure finally comes to a close! Tune in next time for the bittersweet epilogue, where our heroes (and villains) go their separate ways!