I Won't Pretend
Misa Amane pursed her lips as she sat there on the sofa, staring out of the window and watching the rain drench the glass. Her eyes were downcast and her body language seemed to convey unhidden sorrow. Her hands rested in her lap and her facial expression remained untellable. The model's socked feet stayed rooted to the ground, unmoving. It was like she was a statue; her breathing wasn't even visible. The sound of violent thunder breaking the sky didn't even cause her to move, neither did the harsh strike of lightning.
Yes, the girl was very forlorn. In her mind, her thoughts were all jumbled up chaotically and they were only filled with doubt, despair, self-loathing, and mild rage. The anguish was bigger than all of the rest of the emotions though. Happy memories danced throughout her brain and she constantly tried to push them away. Unfortunately, they would not. They were taunting her, reminding her of things she would never experience again. Times she would never have with Light Yagami.
Misa loved Light so very much. Truthfully. The model would do anything for him without hesitation…and that even meant writing down people's names in the Death Note (but she currently did not have any memories of the Death Note at the moment). Still, that was something she would definitely do for Light without question. Misa adored him and her whole heart belonged to that young man. The girl didn't just love him for his looks, no. She loved him for his personality, how intelligent he was, how polite he was, his characteristics, his smile, his voice, and, well…the list could go on forever. Honestly, the girl could write a whole novel about all the things she loved about Light. That was how much she noticed about him. Misa felt as though the world would end if something were to happen to him or if he were to leave her for someone else.
And that's what was happening at that moment. The world was ending. Not the world itself, but her world. It was disappearing. Everything was turning black and white. The jovial times in the past were taunting her, messing with her mind, portraying that she would never have that again. Life seemed so meaningless. Misa hid her negative emotions well around Light, L, and the rest of the Task Force whenever she was around them. She kept up her bubbly and oblivious character, but inside, she was weeping and hurting. Her heart was in complete agony because of something she realized a week ago.
Light Yagami did not love her.
Yes, he did care about her, it seemed, but…that was all. She was only a friend to him. Misa started to notice that he really did not seem interested in her in that way. He never voluntarily hugged her, never kissed her, never held her hand, never touched her in an affectionate way. Never. It was always her that initiated everything. It was like Light was only pretending to be her boyfriend so that he wouldn't hurt her feelings. The blonde knew that Light really did not love her; she knew that now…and it hurt so much.
So, Misa Amane kept up a constant act around everyone, putting on a false smile and chattering nonstop about nonsense. She sent sweet words Light's way and continued to give him loving hugs and sweet kisses. The model suggested they go on several dates and he went along with them only because he felt he had to, just not to hurt her feelings. That façade would always be on Misa; she wore it to protect what she was actually feeling inside. Misa did not feel like living anymore, but she performed like she did.
That was how she felt right now; a performer. She was an actress in a play, projecting false emotions to hide her true ones. She danced along the stage, tricking her companions and throwing out untrue statements. Conveying impure honesty. She put on that bright simper, but it was never real. Her heart had been shattered into a million pieces, unable to mend properly. Numbness covered her bleeding heart and she could feel nothing there.
The love remained though.
The love she had for Light, but would never be returned for her. She gave her heart to Light and he stabbed it.
"I won't pretend…that I intend to continue to live…"
Removing herself from the sofa, the blonde model bowed her head and walked toward the sliding glass door that led out to the wet balcony. The rain was still coming down violently and lightning flashed everywhere. The wind was blowing dangerously and the thunder was causing explosions in the sky. However, she did not care. She did not care about anything anymore, not even her own life.
Misa opened the sliding door and then stepped outside. It was instantly freezing. The rain pelted her unmercifully and the wind tried to knock her down. Immediately, she was soaked. The model trekked to the balcony and placed her hands on the cool and wet railing, staring out into the city. It was foggy and the rain was still coming down in torrents. She narrowed her eyes and looked down, trying to see the street below. Misa knew that it was a very long drop and that she would not survive.
"Good…" She thought hollowly. "I don't need to survive."
Without thinking much of it, Misa climbed up on to the wet and slippery balcony spreading out her arms and throwing her head back. She wobbled a little bit, heart pounding within her chest. Of course, she feared death, but there was also some excitement. She would be free of these dark emotions and her soul would soar into the unknown. Her thoughts would cease and she would no longer feel any pain.
Closing her eyes, Misa lifted her left foot and was about to allow herself to topple over, but there was a loud and panicked voice from behind her.
"MISA!"
Jolting in surprise from the familiar voice, Misa put her foot back on the railing and wobbled terribly, almost falling to her death. Her arms flailed about and she tried to keep her balance. When she found her balance again, she released a heavy breath and used one hand to wipe the rainwater from her face, but that did nothing. She looked over her shoulder and was shocked to see Light standing there with L standing behind him; the two were still handcuffed together.
"M-Misa…!" Light yelled again, eyes wide with tremendous fear. "What are you doing? Get down from there right now!"
Misa did not respond right away. Her sad eyes moved over to L and she watched for his reaction to this. L was just the same as ever, slightly hunched over with his hands in his pockets, staring at her with those large, black eyes. There was a blank expression occupying his face and he appeared to be emotionless, like always.
Her eyes went back to the one she loved so very deeply and she could see fright evident on his face. The male took a step forward, throwing out a hand in her direction in a pleading action. From the move, L moved also because they were connected.
"Misa, get down from there! Please!" hollered Light, his breathing increasing. "This isn't funny!"
"You don't love me, Light…" Misa commented lowly, her voice coming out shaky. She was about to cry.
Light froze and his eyes conveyed realization. "N-No…! That's not true! I…I do love you!"
"False statements will get you nowhere, Light," remarked L dully from beside him, hands still deep in his pockets. "You really are just making everything worse."
Light gave L a dark look. "Can it, Ryuzaki!"
"Why are you lying to me, Light?" questioned Misa, her tone emotionless.
"Don't be stupid! I'm not lying to you, Misa! Get down from there now!" Light took another step to her, hand still held out for her to take. "Don't do this!"
Misa slowly shook her head. "You don't love me, Light."
"Misa-"
"Committing suicide will not solve your problems, Misa Amane," spoke L in his monotone voice, hair and clothes soaked from the rain. He walked a little closer until he was standing right in front of Misa, staring up at her with his emotionless gaze.
Misa narrowed her eyes at him. "It will stop me from experiencing all of these…feelings. I am hurting so much right now. You…you wouldn't understand…"
L was silent for a long moment until he opened his mouth again, "Do you honestly believe that ending your life will get rid of your emotions?"
"Yes," Misa replied firmly.
L went quiet.
"Misa, don't do this to yourself!" Light begged, not wanting the model to kill herself all because he didn't love her. "I'm sorry for…for not loving you, but I genuinely cannot feel that way about you! I'm sorry! You're my friend!"
Misa now looked as though she were in some kind of forlorn trance. The anguish was clear in her eyes and she was still set on ending her life. Turning her head away from the two males, she looked down at the long drop again, spreading her arms out and shutting her eyes.
"My heart is broken and bleeding…" she whispered through the thunder and the rain. "It will never heal, not from something like this. Goodbye, Light. Goodbye, Ryuzaki."
Misa was about to let herself fall, but L's new words stopped her from doing that.
"Remember I said that I could actually fall for you?" queried L, staring at her with his big eyes.
Misa felt her body stiffen and she slowly turned her head to look over her shoulder and down at the dark haired man. Her throat tightened and tears filled her eyes. The tears rolled down her cheeks and mixed in with the oncoming rain. Misa suddenly felt as if she couldn't breathe.
"Yes." Misa choked out.
"I meant it."
As soon as those three words left the private detective's mouth, a violent sob escaped Misa's lips and she turned around completely to face him. She shut her eyes and pressed a hand to her chest, right over her heart. The weeping model felt a firm grip on her hips and those hands pulled her down from the railing and softly placed her on her feet. Once that action was completed, Misa collapsed into L.
Glancing at a very quiet Light, L awkwardly patted Misa's back with one hand while his other hand remained at his side. Misa buried her face in L's chest and continued to release harsh sobs of remorse and pain.
Suddenly, some color returned to Misa's world, but not all of it. A new emotion overcame her and that emotion was hope. Hope that there was someone else out there that could mend her shattered and bleeding heart…someone like L. The blood flow had stopped, but the pieces remained scattered.
L did not seem like the affectionate type or a man that could possibly be in a romantic relationship, but maybe it could be possible.
Maybe.