I woke to Boromir's gentle shake, very reluctant, and the second our eyes met a jolt of adrenaline and fear shot through me. It was a memory of that nightmare, that thing that hadn't happened, and he must have seen the fear across my face because he was quick to stand and step a few feet back.
"It is time to ride. I have cooked us some simple food." He said softly. "Did I scare you?"
"Bad dream." I muttered and smiled weakly. The visual reminder of the rape was fading from my brain as fast as it had when Gandalf had destroyed the illusion. Maybe I'd never fully forget it, maybe it'd always haunt me from time to time, I couldn't be sure. The smell of cooked food got my attention. "Food?"
"Aye. We need energy. I found something and I believe we need to hurry." Boromir sat down and started to bury the ashes of a tiny fire. He lifted a stick from a rock where several sat and held a stick out.
It was a bird.
I took the stick and stared at the poor little bird. Head gone, all plucked, Boromir looked very pleased with himself. "Is this a-"
"They were searching for food not far. Eat." Boromir ripped off a wing.
"They were cute!" I almost dropped the stick, horrified, and put it down on the stone it'd been kept on. Oh my god. Boromir was eating a wing. Oh, gross. Gross! "I can't eat this!"
Boromir laughed and ripped off a bird leg. The poor leg was barely longer than my pinkie finger. I gawked at it, horrified, staring at a leg. A leg! It still had a claw! Oh gross. Meat. Meat was suddenly not fun. Gross!
"No, I'm not eating it! I'll eat..." I fumbled in my pocket. Lembas. Legolas was going to get one hell of a hug for this. "This."
"As you wish, my lady." Boromir grinned at me, clearly amused by my reaction, and returned to doing his barbaric sinking of teeth into poor birdy flesh. Seeing a pile of feathers to one side did not help. He glanced back at them and shrugged. "I will take these back for arrows."
Arrows. Used feathers.
"I think I want to be a vegetarian." I muttered. A vegetarian ...archer. Oh gross.
"A what?" There he was, finishing a bird. Eating another.
"They only eat vegetables and dairy, like cheese, eggs, stuff like that."
Boromir's face was priceless. He actually held out a stick again. "You talk as a mad woman."
"I seriously am not going to eat it. Offer to me it again and I bury it. Give it a funeral." I shuddered, eyes catching on the eaten corpse of the last bird, bones showing. I opened up the lembas and took a bite instead. Not very satisfying. But it was much better than eating poor birds.
"They are just birds, Wenduin."
I didn't answer. I stood up to relieve myself as he finished off his murdered birds, heading for the water, and washed my face and hair. It was growing dark, birds singing, which didn't help the twist of my stomach at the reminder of what he was eating. Ew.
"This is what I found." Boromir said softly, kneeling beside me, holding something out. An arrow. Black. Red tip. "Tis from my people, from the White City, a cry for help from Rohan. It never made it to Theodan King. The man I knew, a good man, was dead for some time. Several days, maybe more." He breathed out slowly, sad, standing up slowly. "Gondor calls for help. It will not be long before they try again. We must return to deliver this to Theodan King. Tonight we must ride fast and hard."
"Understood." I stood up as well, dusting myself off, and followed him to the horses. With his help Tinkerbell was ready again, the big gray mare seemingly better than she had been that morning, her ears forward once more. "Ready to go?" She seemed to listen to me, ears flickering, soft velvet nose butting into me as if she was encouraging me to just get on already so we could get going.
"Come, my lady." Boromir held out his hand. "We ride for Edoras."
I mounted, partly with his help, and tugged the cloak over my head and shoulders. Boromir leapt up easily onto his horse.
We traced our way slowly out of the ditch, a golden sunset to one side as Boromir led us into a fast gallop towards the direction of Rohan, the stars slowly re-appearing in the sky as the sun vanished once more. The lembas did give me energy. Amazingly, I didn't loose energy or concentration, and the ride didn't scare me as much tonight.
As the night went on though, my energy faded, Boromir's energy fading as well. Even the horses couldn't keep at a run for that long. We had to slow down, the horses stumbling somewhat after a while, and by morning we were at a walk.
I leaned against Tinkerbell's neck in the early morning light, the exhaustion finally filtering in, meeting Boromir's face. He was sweating and tired too. Tinkerbell's soft hair was sweaty as well, her sides heaving, head drooping towards the grass. We had been riding along steeper terrain now anyway, up and down, which must have been harder on the poor horses. Now that it was light I could see mostly only uphill.
"I would keep riding but-"
"But?"
"We may fall off." He smiled weakly. Reached down to stroke his horses neck, affectionate. "They will need a rest before we continue. They will need it to ride back down these slopes safely."
"I think we're supposed to travel by night anyway, aren't we?" It wasn't an excuse. I was actually concerned about the nas-gal things. I glanced at the sky, somewhat anxious, Boromir's eyes following mine.
"Aye." He agreed quietly. Boromir nudged his horse towards the edge, nothing more than a cluster of rocks and trees near a steep slope, less of a shelter than the last place. "We will rest until midday and decide."
I nodded, and tried to urge Tinkerbell, who just stood there. She ignored me.
"Climb down and lead her. She is tired." Boromir called.
Doing as he said, I dismounted once more, and led her towards the shelter. As Boromir tried to, his horse suddenly reared, nearly throwing him on his ass, and was charging off before he could grab it. He swore, much to my amusement, reaching down to grab a stick and throw it. It obviously didn't help.
I reached up to stroke Tinkerbell's beautiful face, who just stood there passively, as Boromir turned and stomped towards his shelter. She followed me happily, didn't wander away when I unsaddled her, and stood there under the shade of the trees, trembling slightly.
"This will slow us again." Boromir growled softly. He seemed angry and embarrassed all at once. It was kind of funny. The man clearly wasn't a big horseman.
"Yeah, I know. You sleep first." I sighed.
Boromir didn't argue. He stripped off his sword and armour, face still tense with anger at his horse, and lay down heavily.
As he slept, I nibbled on the lembas, and kept watch. Like before there wasn't much to do, to see, it was mostly sleeping. Not much happening. It was a bit anti-climatic, but then I was finding a lot of this was, like not everything about this war or this fight was endless excitement. There were boring bits.
Somehow I was starting to enjoy the boring bits. Something great about just sitting there, Boromir snoring close beside me, watching flowers slowly open and turn towards the sunshine, a dew covered spider web 'vanish' as the dew evaporated, find shapes in white fluffy clouds, all these peaceful things that I would be too distracted to see during the 'exciting bits'.
It gave me time to think.
Gandalf, Legolas, and about wizards and elves knowing of 'other worlds'. Or Saruon, maybe able to mess with my world, and how catastrophic that'd be. What if he already had? If I could come one way then things could go the other way. The whole 'never mess with the other worlds' law made sense.
And it had been Galadriel's daughter who'd brought me here.
I fiddled with sticks, sticking them in the ground absent-mindedly, balancing them as I tried to think on what I knew of my own life. I should have been more interested in it, shouldn't I? But what I could remember was kind of repulsive. I could remember that I had a boyfriend. Beautiful boyfriend. Some parts of it, how he'd be so sweet, but then he'd be so nasty. How I felt like I didn't deserve him.
That same feeling came up now with Legolas. It had been since I'd given into him, I realised with a start, that resistance to his attention. Yes, the fact that he was some kind of 'Prince', an 'Elf', all those things worried me, but it was more than that. I wasn't sure I deserved someone special like that. Hell, even Boromir, I might have thought the same of him.
I didn't know why I felt like this. Like I wasn't good enough for Legolas. I just knew, from my limited memories, that I'd felt the same way about this 'boyfriend'. And it'd meant he could be nasty to me and he'd get away with it.
Brian.
His name came to me, easily, like it had always been there. Brian. Now I saw it. Brian, this beautiful man, this man I'd believed was 'the one'. I'd dreamed about him for years, hadn't I? The beautiful man with long blonde hair and grey eyes. Then there was Brian, straight away, and we met through a Lord of the Rings chat room when I was fourteen and he was seventeen.
Everyone had said it wouldn't work. But when I turned sixteen and he had just turned twenty, he asked me to move in with him, and I did. I started to rent a room in a share house, Brian in the room next to mine, and I'd spent half my time in his bed anyway. Sneaking out early morning so our house mates wouldn't notice where I'd been.
He was so proud of me, his girlfriend who could sew his cosplay, a famous Olympian, boasted about me, took me everywhere, and kept trying to decide for me what I'd eat. So I'd sneak food, then feel really guilty, and when he'd make nasty comments about my weight, I'd agree. When he'd say stuff like 'You know, you could try just not eating for a while', I'd seriously think about it.
I hadn't always put up with it though. We'd broken up and got back together half a dozen times since I was fourteen. This time we'd lasted three years, not counting the 'break' period, and boy did he love to boast about it.
The media loved us though. I stared ahead, at the clouds, remembering it. God, had they loved it. Brian and Kimberly. That had been my name. Kimberly. The 'innocent love', the engagement, how he'd talk about how he was waiting for me to be eighteen before we married and 'made love' for the first time.
In private, he had wanted sex, and it was probably the only time I really stuck up for myself. I wasn't ready. It hadn't felt right. I'd let him do other things, made myself do things for him, going down on him, but it had really been one sided. It was to keep him happy. When he was happy, I was happy, we were both happy.
It wasn't like he was always mean though. He got mean when he was worried for me or scared. Most of the time he was sweet to me. Sometimes I'd wake up and he'd have made me breakfast in bed, or he'd drive me to school, and that was nice because I didn't have friends at school so it was kind of cool... Brian would wait for me after school, he'd hug me, he'd kiss me, and he'd do it in front of everyone. Or he'd come in the middle of my lunch hour with my special lunch.
I didn't feel as lonely or sad when he visited. Sometimes he'd bring his friends. They'd sneak in, past the teachers, and we'd hide down the back while I ate. He'd never let me skip classes. Brian would take me on holidays, just the two of us, to movies, he'd take me to concerts, and we'd go Cosplaying together. With him, I felt like a woman, I felt loved, and Brian always protected me. Always. Sometimes he'd follow me when I went on my own, to make sure I was safe, he'd buy me clothing, and he kept my money so we could save. He even paid for my phone bill so I didn't have to worry.
How could I have forgotten all this? It crowded into me now.
My dislike of him faded somewhat, memories of his sweet side, but …
It still felt like it belonged to someone else. I didn't feel like 'Kimberly'. I still felt like Wenduin. He was all I could remember and …
"Some lookout you are." Boromir's voice cut in, as his hand clasped my shoulder, making me jump. "Tis midday."
"I remembered something." I said faintly, staring up at him, amazed at how much time had gone. It didn't seem real.
"Your horse seems refreshed. We will ride. Tell me as we ride, and then rest."
"On horseback?"
Boromir nodded. I stood up with his help, my legs kind of trembly, head swimming with Brian. Who I hated and loved. But … not like Legolas. It was hard to explain, to separate in my head, except that what I'd felt for Brian had been different. It'd been desperation, almost, a need for Brian, and every time he'd said we should just break up, I'd felt so frightened. So desperate. I needed him to protect me, to love me, I'd felt like I'd die or suffocate without him. Like life wasn't worth living.
"Come on, Wenduin." Boromir prodded me. I blinked at him, he was already on Tinkerbell,and climbed up in front of him with his help. He squeezed her sides, Tinkerbell moving forward, arms on either side of me, ticklish cheek against the side of my forehead. "Tell me."
"My name was-" I hesitated. I didn't want to say it. I didn't want … to be that name. It just didn't feel right. "Well, I can't remember now. But I was dating a guy called Brian. A man."
"A man?"
"Yeah." I suddenly really missed Legolas. It was hard to explain. I'd felt like Brian had been the real thing, the right kind of relationship, that I'd needed to be protected and taken care of. Legolas didn't do that. Oh he did, sort of, he protected me when he had to... but Brian would have made me stay in Rivendel. Locked me there if he'd had to. He would have made it perfectly clear to Boromir WHO I belonged to. Legolas never had. Even though he'd spent hundreds of years waiting, even though he'd decided how important I was to him, he'd waited with only a nudge here and there.
I guess he never had to.
"I don't know. I loved him but now-" I tried to still my trembling legs. "I don't know."
"Love can fool us. Tis not them we love, but some part of our heart we neglect." Boromir's words were surprisingly deep. He urged Tinkerbell faster up the slope and she responded. "Did he behave as your partner or was he something you lacked?"
I didn't answer him. But his behaviour filled my head. Possessive, almost obsessive, deciding what I'd eat, who I'd see, who I'd talk to, where I'd go, what I'd spend my money on, this assertive man who I ended up depending on. He'd decide what media I'd be interviewed by. How long I'd study for. He had strength for both of us. Confidence. I didn't need to be confidant or strong. I trusted him. Even if he was jealous, sometimes, or possessive of my time. If he refused to let me stay in the Olympic village, or thought my male coach was flirting with me, so I'd have to hire a female one that we 'both' liked.
But had he done it because he loved me and really wanted me to succeed? I wasn't sure any more. Once I had been. I'd stopped talking to my parents because of him- because they thought he wasn't good for me. Only, I couldn't remember them still. I could only remember Brian. It felt like he'd been my whole world anyway.
"I don't know what to think."
"You do not have to right now. Rest, as I ride, and we will try and return to Edoras quickly."
I didn't rest that well, not really, drifting in and out against Boromir's chest. It was almost a relief as we came over a edge of the slope and suddenly saw it, in the distance, against the darkening sky. Edoras. At the sight of it I tried to put my memories behind me. Tried to forget my real name. I was Wenduin. Not Kimberly. Not Kim-baby.
"Tis a few hours before we reach it." Boromir said against my ear, squeezing me in a hug, sounding exhausted. "I must rest a moment. Do you mind if I have a bite of the lembas bread?"
"Go ahead." I held Tinkerbell still as he dismounted, heavily, his face tired again, and held out the lembas for him. "Just a bite seems to be good."
"My stomach has not felt well since the birds. Perhaps you were right to avoid them." Boromir smiled weakly as he took a bite and sighed. "It seemed like a good meal."
He vanished into the bushes for fifteen minutes, returning, looking a little ill. Boromir re-mounted, drinking a good mouthful of water, and off we went again.
"Birds?"
"Birds." He growled softly. "I will stick to chickens from now on."
I laughed softly, as Tinkerbell got a kick of speed, and we rushed down the slope to the plains surrounding Edoras, flying through the increasing dark. The lights of the Hall burnt bright in the darkness, drawing us close, and the closer we got the more my energy picked up.
He was right- it took some time to get there. We had to stop several times as well, Boromir's poor stomach, and by the time we were in the gates of Edoras, I was twitching in the saddle in front of Boromir.
As he drew up in front of the stables, I leapt off Tinkerbell, and right into Gimli. He was laughing, arms out, hugging me hard as Legolas stepped into the gentle light of the lanterns, his arms crossed a smug smile on his face. Clearly he'd known I was coming back. Had he seen us? I didn't even bother asking. He was tense, amused and happy, but tense.
"Gimli!" I hugged him, as Boromir climbed down, looking green all over again. My eyes met Legolas, who moved to grasp my shoulder, "And Legolas."
"The Elf said he saw you two coming."
"We had to change our plans when I found a runaway." I glanced back at Boromir, who was heading for outside, the sound of his stomach trying to throw up again audible even to me. "Did I miss much?"
"No." Legolas answered softly. "Gimli, let Aragorn know they're here."
"And Boromir's got himself sick by eating innocent birds." I added.
Gimli chuckled. "I'll take him inside." He headed off into the darkness outside, leaving myself and Legolas alone in the stables.
Legolas moved to help me with Tinkerbell, the two of us removing her saddle and stuff, his arm brushing my arm. When one of the stable hands came to take over, I followed Legolas outside, neither of us touching until we were alone in that tiny room.
He pulled me into his lap, as he sat down on the bed, burying his head in my neck and inhaling slowly, one of his hands tracing down my back and resting against my lower back. Tension faded from his body slowly only now. "You are safe."
"You really surprised?" I teased softly. "With your magic Elf foresight?"
"Not everything is seen. But-" Legolas leaned back, eyes meeting mine, adding, "You can take care of yourself."
The words made my chest kind of swell, warmth flooding me, there was a kind of pride and warmth there. I reached up to touch his face, Legolas leaning his head into my touch, love flooding me. "You too." He shuddered as my fingertips made contact with his ear tip, his eyes shutting with pleasure, and I leaned forward to kiss him gently.
"I remembered things." I said quietly, against his lips, and rested my chin on his shoulder. Legolas' arms tightened around me automatically, like he knew I just needed a hug, his body shifting to balance my weight better.
"They are not pleasant?"
"Not exactly." The words were automatic. It was true too. It wasn't like remembering Brian or the obsession with him brought me joy. "It's just confusing. I don't even ...feel like her any more, you know? My boyfriend, my life, nothing seems ...I don't know if I like it. The name doesn't even seem right."
"What was your name?"
"Kimberly."
Legolas actually laughed, which was a relief, as he pushed me back somewhat and stared up at me. "That is a terrible name, Wenduin, and I shall never call you it."
"Please don't. Like I said, it doesn't seem right." I smiled weakly. "Brian was my boyfriend. Lover."
"I do not like him. His name tells me much." There was jealousy there, suddenly, Legolas frowning.
"Like what?"
"That I do not like him." He tried to smile, arms tightening, kissing the side of my neck. "Your face when you say his name tells me more."
"It does?" Though that wasn't surprising either. I still didn't know how I felt. I could feel how I used to feel- the love, intense desperate love, the insecurity without him, the incredible pleasure it brought me to have him beside me. To have him happy. I wanted to make Brian happy. I felt that fear of him dumping me, seeing how useless I really was.
But then I saw Legolas, and somehow, it was different. Some part of me wanted to say 'Fuck your happiness, what about mine?' and kick Brian in the balls. What was the point of him being happy if I was afraid of doing the wrong thing all the time?
Teeth nipped my lip as, Legolas getting my attention, and I kissed him gently. The taste of him, the feel of his mouth, and how …. while he liked to be in charge, he loved it when I did... If I knew anything it was that I cared for this stupid Elf. My stupid magic Elf. My kiss seemed to relax him all over again, and he was tipping me back onto the bed, weight pressed against mine.
"Tell me of him and you." He said softly, leaning back, sitting between my legs as he tugged me up. "Everything. Share it with me."
I did, quietly, struggling, Legolas bringing me water midway as I struggled to actually speak of it. And when I had, when the candle had burnt down, Legolas showed no repulsion.
"You thought you had dreamed of him?"
"Yeah." I said quietly. Legolas waited for me to speak, waited for me to understand what I had said, and the pieces clicked together slowly. It wasn't Brian I'd dreamed about. "It was you, wasn't it?"
"You should stop doubting yourself, Wenduin." Legolas reached up to tuck hair behind my shoulder, fingers grazing over where I'd lost an ear, and I felt his hand tremble. "I have seen you blossom and I do not wish for you to hide again now."
"I don't want to return to that." Now that I'd told him everything, every sordid embarrassing detail, I felt exhausted. "Boromir okay?"
Legolas listened, his eyes going hazy, and he nodded. "He is sick but improving."
"Good." I yawned, leaning against his chest, and his hands pushed me slowly onto my back again. "I couldn't eat those birds."
"Our heart knows best always. Go to sleep, my love." Legolas was standing, slowly, and bent down to tug off my belt. "Let your past go for now."
I nodded, curling up and pulling the blanket over my body, feeling him sit beside me, his fingers sliding under my tunic to stroke my back slowly. The sleep started to wash over me and I muttered, "I could get used to falling asleep like this."
Legolas laughed softly. "Good, for I will be beside you for many a year."
This somehow was a nice thought. I leaned up to kiss him, a sweet slow sleepy kiss, and escaped into a deep comfortable sleep filled with song and warmth.
It was well into morning before I woke. A window was open, a sweet warm breeze blowing in, birds singing outside. Legolas had not left the room, or if he had I hadn't noticed, and now he was sitting beside me on the bed, legs crossed, singing softly to himself in the light of the morning.
"Were you singing all night?" I asked sleepily, as his head turned to meet mine, Legolas nodding.
"It comforts those weary of heart." He responded before he continued to sing, quiet, the Elvish words beautiful. I shut my eyes and lay there relaxed beside him, feeling him crawl in to lie beside me, the soft rumble of his voice against my forehead.
He was right. Somehow the weight of my past with Brian felt a little easier to bear. I felt rested, comforted, and secure. Safe. I felt like I could be myself right now, even fart, and Legolas would only laugh and keep singing. It was an amazing feeling.
After some time, listening to him sing, Legolas went quiet and we lay there some time.
"We should rise." Legolas said softly. "Wash, and dress."
"I guess you're right. About what I remembered, and my name-"
"I will not speak of it." Legolas promised, as he stood up slowly, "And will call you Wenduin until you ask otherwise."
Which might be never, I thought, as I stood up slowly. He went for hot water and soap and we washed together in the sunshine. Halfway through washing, I couldn't resist, and 'bathing' was interrupted for a quick but sweet lovemaking session that left me wanting another nap afterwords.
"Hall." Legolas said, amused, as he slid his leggings back on. "Help me dress."
"Okay, okay." I teased. "Ordering me, Prince Leggy?"
He laughed softly. "If my lady asks, I am her servant first."
I helped him dress, not that the Elf really needed it, and found that he was more than happy to return the favour. Only when we left the room did we really stop touching, walking just inches apart, the urge to stare at him fighting with the urge to not be stared at by others.
Still, Merry and Gimli were great distractions, and I slid down to sit beside Gimli, relaxing back, accepting water.
"Gandalf will probably be there by now, won't he?" Merry asked softly.
"Yeah. Shadowfax was so fast." I agreed. "It was amazing."
"They'd be safe there." Merry said softly. He seemed kind of sad though.
"The walls of Minas Tirith are strong and tall, the gate strong, so yes." Boromir flopped down in front of us. "Pippin and Gandalf are very safe. I have not seen you for hours, Wenduin." He grinned, a grin that suggested he knew exactly where I'd been, adding, "Or Legolas."
"Well, you've probably been glued to the chamberpot." Merry retorted for me.
Boromir's face went slightly red but he ignored that.
"I guess you've recovered?"
"Twas just brief." Boromir dropped one foot on the table, only for it to be knocked down by Gimli,amusement in his face. "I was not that ill."
"I heard he didn't sleep all night. He was-" Merry's mouth was covered fast, Boromir sliding forward.
"Not the thing you tell a Lady, Merry."
Merry shot me a look, amusement on his face, and I grinned. I got the idea. I'd ridden on the horse with him for hours smelling the farts he kept letting off.
"That's what he gets for eating innocent birds." I muttered. I heard Legolas make a sound nearby, somewhere behind us where he'd leaned against the wall, an exhale of air that I knew was his version of 'soft laugh'.
Theodan came in to eat, food brought out, Gamling with him. They spoke softly. I had to guess it was strategy, there was a map there beside the food, or something to do with King stuff. Didn't know.
There was a shout suddenly, echoing up the hill, the sound of Aragorn approaching. ""The beacons of Minas Tirith! The beacons are lit!"
Aragorn burst at that moment, doors flying to either side, his shout echoing around the hall and electrifying me right down my spine. "Gondor calls for aid." As breathless as he clearly was, he stared at Theodan, waiting.
As if everyone had been waiting for this, on edge for this, Aragorn was suddenly surrounded. Literally. The mood in the hall went from 'peaceful lunch' to 'ACTION TIME'. Or, okay, maybe the peaceful lunch thing had just been me. Everyone else had probably been waiting for news for days. Soldiers, generals, Eomer, Eowyn, it was like everyone had just been three or four feet from the Hall. Waiting.
Now all their eyes were on Theodan.
I heard him say the words I already knew he'd say and knew. The peace was over. Or maybe it had never really been peaceful? Either way it was back to war and action. It was time to go back into action woman mode.
"And Rohan will answer! Muster the Rohirrim." Theodan's voice boomed around the room. No words, no sound, although in my mind I suddenly heard answering music. I heard the soundtrack.
Or was that the music for the 'Flee to Helm's deep?'
In reality, right now, there was dead silence. Theodan's voice echoed around the hall and there wasn't a single voice answering him. The only answer was the sudden movement- Gamling gathering up the maps, heavy feet thudding, Eomer doing the same, Aragorn heading for us. Other than their feet, it was so quiet that I could hear the fire cracking suddenly, the wind dancing around the Hall outside, the soft feet of Eowyn as she moved away.
Theodan strode to a heavy carved door at the end of the hall, which I had to assume was for the King's quarters, and shut the door hard behind him. Gamling wasn't far behind.
"We must ready ourselves too." Aragorn moved straight towards me. "Let's go." He met my eyes, nodding, reaching up to draw me to my feet. "We have rested long enough, I think."
"Yeah, you're right." I agreed. "Let's suit up." The words seemed wrong, sort of, but they clearly understood what I was getting at.
"Aye." Boromir stood. A rumble from his stomach made Merry snort with laughter. "Let us."
"Theodan King will not take long. Let us all be ready with haste." Aragorn clasped Boromir's arm. "It is good to have you too."
Boromir actually bowed his head to Aragorn, a smile there, and I felt Legolas tug on my arm lightly. Yeah. I wasn't surprised it'd be him with me as I suited up.
"Meet you all outside." I called, following him towards the armoury, breathing in deeply. Okay. Whatever came... I could do it. Yes. Don't panic and know where my towel was. That was all I needed. Right?
Gimli jogged to join us, the three of us helping each other, not that it was really necessary. Arm guards for Legolas and myself, lightweight leather for both of us, Gimli with the heavier chain mail. The dwarf was like a tank. All bulk and weight.
"Theodan King is already at the front." Legolas said softly. He handed me my bow, before sliding his over his back, and he and Gimli met eyes. There was a grin on Gimli's face, as he turned, heading out. Legolas met my eyes, smiled somewhat more, and it put me at ease. Okay. Orc killing. Yeah, I could do that.
"You two let me know who has the higher count." I teased, turning and heading after Gimli, only to be yanked back. Hands closed around my waist attaching one of Legolas knives once more. Lips pressed against the back of my neck.
"It will be me."
"You say that now, Elf, but when Wenduin kisses the winner, it won't be on your baby faced cheek!" Gimli called, glancing out from the door, grinning wider. "Will she, Wenduin?"
"We'll see who gets the kiss, won't we?" I nudged Legolas back, even as he stepped back,adding, "Let's get our horses."
"Horses." Gimli snorted.
The stables were buzzing with activity now, shouts called, horses led in and out, and our two horses already all dressed up waiting for us. Dressed up? Was that the right way to put it? I reached up to stroke Tinkerbell's face, her nose nudging against my face in return, no trace of her earlier tiredness there.
"She is ready." Legolas was with his horse. "As is my friend."
"What you doing, lad?" Gimli almost seemed alarmed to see Legolas sliding the bridle and saddle off his horse.
"Elves need none of this." Legolas responded. He dropped his saddle bags onto my horse, hand brushing across mine, before he held out his hand. "Do you need help on your horse?"
"No tack indeed. We'll see who falls this time." Gimli grunted as he went to stand beside his and Legolas horse, sliding a box across as he did.
I slid a foot into the metal thing and hoisted myself up the giant big grey mare. It took some effort but ...it worked. I grinned down at Legolas, who hadn't helped me for once, and shook my head. Gimli was waiting on the box, Legolas springing lightly up onto the back of his white horse, Gimli climbing up with clear distaste of the 'We don't need no saddle' idea.
"Where's Aragorn?" I asked, as we rode out, ignoring the stares for now. Yes. Lady on horse, in pants, with sword.
Legolas twisting his head around before he answered. "Speaking with the Lady Eowyn."
Ah. Of course. I glanced in the direction he looked and saw the two of them, mounting, close to where supplies were being loaded onto cart once more.
"We're moving quick today." I commented.
"Not all taken to Helm's Deep was yet unpacked. I believe Theodan King was preparing for this the past three days." Legolas added, "We all were."
Believed? He'd probably overhead it. Gimli shifted, uncomfortable on the horse, grumbling under his breath.
"Boromir had an arrow to give him."
"Did he?" Legolas asked, much to my surprise, "What did that mean?"
I stared at Legolas. He seriously didn't know. Why did it surprise me so much to find out that there was something my Legolas didn't know? "Um. It was a special arrow- a request for help. One of the Gondor men was found dead with it. I guess the beacons were Gandalf's second try."
"There was much activity last night." Legolas said softly, thoughtfully. "Theodan did not sleep much. Perhaps he made his decision last night."
"Maybe." My eyes went past the chaos around us, the horses being dressed and mounted, the carts already leaving, the running soldiers, to where Theodan stood at the edge of his Hall. Merry was there, kneeling, and I smiled somewhat. "I like hobbits."
"I do too." Gimli nudged Legolas. "Come on, when are we moving?"
"Now." Legolas was no longer smiling. Thoughtful, maybe, but not smiling. He urged his horse forward to join the crowd of men gathering at the head near Theodan, Tinkerbell following automatically, her anxiety showing in the way she danced on her hooves.
Boromir was probably right. I could ride her, more or less, but in battle? We weren't even there yet and she was already getting edgy and a little out of control.
"Horse men! I wish I could muster an army of Dwarves, fully armed and filthy." Gimli growled. He was still clearly uncomfortable.
"I'd like to see that." I had to admit, I did. I liked Gimli. It would be awesome to see an entire army of dwarves. "Would women fight?"
"Aye, lass, if there was need. But only in the desperate need of our kin."
"Your kinsmen may have no need to ride to war. I fear war already marches on their own lands." It was grim, what Legolas said, and neither I nor Gimli responded to it. The magic elf knew some things I couldn't. Was this one of them?
"I hope not." I said softly, as I urged Tinkerbell closer, "I would love to hear more about your kin. Even meet a woman dwarf."
"One day, both you and Legolas will come, and meet my mother." Gimli's face softened at that. "Never a finer beard on any lady, than my mother, never, and I thank her for it every time I see her." He was touching his own beard as he said that.
I laughed softly, shaking my head, picturing a female version of Gimli with the same massive beard. Okay. Yeah. I'd love to meet her. "Sounds beautiful."
"There is no woman fairer in beard."
This did make Legolas' mouth twitch, his 'calm distant mask' cracking somewhat as he and I met each other's eyes, and it was gone quickly. "We ride soon."
He was looking to Eomer. I focused, trying to get my attention back on Tinkerbell, as Eomer charged forward to the front of the crowd. Everyone's attention snapped to him straight away, this figure, this man that demanded everyone's attention just by ...well, being there. It was amazing. Aragorn appeared on my other side, Theodan moving to the very front, Eowyn close by him. Boromir was trying to help Merry move his poor pony, it seemed.
"Now is the hour, Riders of Rohan. Oaths you have taken. Now fulfil them all, to Lord and Land! Hah!" Eomer charged, suddenly, his horse almost rearing. The world shook, the horses charged forward without any urging, and suddenly we were moving. Off to war we went.
The ride was amazing- the ground shook, hundreds of horses around us, and as we went, I would see riders suddenly fork off and ride away, banners held high, their horses moving swiftly towards some unseen destination. I had to assume they were spreading the word- telling everyone to come meet us at ...well, wherever we were being led.
And where we were led, to my amazement, wasn't that far at all. I had expected a long ride, I'd mentally prepared myself for it, only to find myself more or less at this crazy tall cliff within a few hours of riding. It wasn't even dark yet and we'd only left at lunch.
"Make way! Make way for the King!" I heard a shout, as our party of horses charged past soldiers already gathered, stunned as I stared around. People had moved so quickly. Tents were being pulled up, hundreds of soldiers already pulling the saddles off their horses, there was this electric energy in the air. Excitement? Not exactly. Anticipation, for sure, everyone was moving as if on fast forward. They'd won at Helm's Deep and now they were ready to win some more.
"So this is where-" I called to Aragorn, as Theodan shouted orders, waved at things, hanging onto Tinkerbell as we continued at a fast pace right towards a cliff.
"This is where we await the rest." Aragorn nodded up the cliff. "We camp up there, as the guests of Theodan King. Ride swift."
Up... there? I stared up the cliff. How were we going to get up there? Magic? Then I saw it- carts, slowly winding up some near invisible road, and a shiver ran down my spine. Oh boy. That looked scary. Beyond it were great white mountains, almost bald, which didn't help the 'shiver' sense.
Just as I'd known how to hold a bow I suddenly knew that I didn't really like heights that much. Oh boy.
Nothing for it though. Our party of 'Special King guest or friends' was already heading straight for the road. I breathed in, tried to not think about this narrow road up the cliff, and followed.
This was simple until we reached the very bottom and suddenly had to ride single file. I moved behind another horse, I didn't even care who that horse was, and suddenly wished that I was a better rider. Luckily, Tinkerbell seemed about as edgy about this idea as I did, and she hugged the cliff side so much that my leg scraped across the dirt. I might have minded another time. Right now? I didn't care. I'd rather some scrapes and tears over ...well, going over the edge of the cliff.
It also didn't help that as we got higher we started to pass extremely creepy rock formations. Or that behind me, I suspected people were wanting to go faster, so energised by this fresh battle. What was with people and being excited about this? Who knew.
Somehow I was too though. It was hard to avoid.
Tinkerbell continued to hug the cliff, as we weaved back and forward along the rocky cliff, stones kicked off the side by her hooves in the narrower places. I was so relieved to reach the top of the road that I almost dismounted then and there, almost, except that there was at least a dozen horses trying to get off the road behind me.
I followed Aragorn to a very safe sheltered spot, far away from the edge of the cliff, Legolas and Gimli already off their horses and talking. Dismounting was such a relief- Tinkerbell, my beautiful big grey mare, was already much larger than half the horses here. Add that to a giant cliff? I dreaded riding back down it.
Now that I was down though, I could turn and be amazed once more, because ...tents were already up. Only two, sure, but others were lying flat on the ground, poles being laid out for each, wagons bringing extra up.
"They were quick to set it up."
"Theodan sent them ahead yesterday." Boromir strode over with his horse rein in hand, leading it behind, his face flushed with energy. Battle clearly suited him. "I delivered the arrow myself."
"Then he had already decided?"Aragorn wasn't that offended though, I suspected, more glad. "He does not move slow when he decides upon an action."
"Probably." Boromir shrugged lightly and reached out to ruffle my hair. "Ready, little sister?"
"To smash orc butt? Sure." I smiled, ducking away from his hand, bumping into Merry's pony.
"That cliff-" Merry breathed. He was white faced.
"I know." I reached up to grasp his pony as he tried to dismount. Merry did so, but awkward, almost falling on his but. "It makes you want to throw up."
"What kind of Lady are you, Wenduin? Throw up? Never have I heard a woman so openly say that." Boromir laughed. He strode forward to take the saddle off my horse. "I am not sure a woman can throw up."
"Well," I retorted, "They do. I just don't bother hiding it like a lot do."
"The kind hardening herself for battle. I believe Theodan King wished to talk with me." Aragorn nodded at me, before he strode off, heading for where Theodan was already giving orders. Moments later, after just a few words, he was gesturing to us. We hurried over, Merry staying away from the edge, and Aragorn met Legolas, Gimli and Boromir's eyes. "He has asked us to bring firewood up."
"Then we will." Gimli raised his axe.
"Only dead wood, Gimli." Legolas was smiling though. It was hidden, sure, but I saw it in his eyes. The Elf was determined to teach his dwarf friend how to treat trees apparently. "Only the dead wood."
"Yes, yes." Gimli grunted.
"And us?" Merry moved to stand beside me. "What can we do?"
"Eowyn will have tasks for you both." Aragorn moved away, the other three following,heading for the cliff edge.
"Yeah. Woman tasks." Merry muttered. He crossed his arms, disgruntled now, glancing sideways at me. It took him a moment to remember I was a woman too apparently. "Not that..." He shifted, awkward, embarrassed crossing his face. "...that a woman's task is ...lacking in honour. Sorry."
"They probably didn't ask us to get firewood because we were both about to run screaming from the cliff. I don't really want to go up and down that road all afternoon. It's already getting dark." I gazed out to where the sun was sinking low against the land. Maybe half an hour of light left, if we were lucky, and it took fifteen minutes just to ride up the stupid cliff. Merry seemed to be satisfied with that. "Let's just do the women's tasks."
"Yeah, good point." Merry glanced around. "She's there. Looks like hard work though... we could ...escape?"
I followed his eyes and saw her. It was funny how she resembled her uncle right now, business face on, ordering men and women around as easily as Theodan was doing. When she made eye contact with me I knew we couldn't escape it. Eowyn had spotted us.
"Right." I said. "No escape. Let's go."
"Let's go."
Eowyn's 'women tasks' turned out to be tents. Literally. It wasn't easy, it wasn't pleasant, it was a lot of hard work, nothing about these shelters easy. One after another, we worked together with a few others, trying to get the tents up before the sunlight faded from the sky. The rope burnt my hands, my shoulders ached, sweat trickle down my spine with each one, but the work was done quickly with Eowyn's directions.
As we did that, fires were lit, firewood brought up, each tent filled with furs, bedding, banners. It was incredible to see- they weren't just setting up tents, they were like little houses, though the darker it got the more I understood. The wind was cold and bitter, the furs probably kept each tent warmer and more sealed from the weather.
"Enough." Eowyn said, finally, relaxing. She smiled. "We've done well."
"How long are we here for?"
"The men leave in three days." She was distracted though, looking away. "The women of the court remain here until their return."
"Here?"
"Yes."
"Me too?"
"You are not one of our women. I think you are free to do as you like." Eowyn looked at me again now, something flashing across her eyes, but it was gone too quickly for me to figure out what she'd just felt. "If you choose to remain, yes. You would be welcome to remain here and wait for your husband."
My husband. I glanced back, Legolas appearing right then and there, his hand brushing across my lower back. I should have felt shocked at this title. Somehow though, I didn't. Eowyn seemed to take this as a signal to leave because when I looked back to her, she was already heading off, calling Merry to follow.
"Come. We share a tent." Legolas moved away again, hand separating from me once more, leading me to a tent at the side. It was little and a number of beds were set up . Two were small, hobbit and dwarf sized, so it was a tent for all of us. "We do not get privacy now."
"Well, it's duty time, isn't it? We're warriors again." Warriors. Would I ever get used to that word? Probably not. I turned to Legolas as he lowered the flap, cutting the outside world out, leaving only the faint light of a lantern set up on a small table for us. "Legolas?"
"Yes?"
"We're married, aren't we?" I asked softly.
"In the custom of the Elves, yes, from the moment we joined in body. Did you not... feel it?" Legolas hesitated. He seemed uncertain now. Almost like he was afraid I'd ...what, reject it now "Did you not wish it?"
"I guess I did." I just hadn't really thought about it. But, I still felt okay about it, completely comfortable, like it was the most natural thing for us to be. Married. Of course we were. It was hard to feel as if we had ever been anything else. "Yeah. I guess I do want it." Still. Something did nag at me. The 'This isn't fair to Legolas' feeling I'd started to get since the talk with Aragorn. "So since Lothlorien."
"In our culture, in a time of peace, I would be your betrothed for a year and a day." Legolas moved closer, reaching out to take my hand, his fingers touching one of my fingers. "I would give you a silver ring and you would give one in return."
"So we rushed it?" Opps. Breaking Elf custom.
"This is not a time of peace." Legolas kissed the finger, leaning close, his other arm coming around. "In times of war such bonds are often made. I wished to bond with you in Rivendel."
"I remember." I laughed, leaning against him, remembering that almost strange madness he'd shown. "Crazy lust filled Elf."
"It wasn't your body. It was you. I had waited for you and I longed to ...finally bond." To my amazement, he'd actually gone a bit pink in his ears, or maybe that was my imagination. "I was told once that I would not bond with you. I would never marry. That you were too far. But then you came."
"I shouldn't have."
"No." Legolas' head twitched, hearing something I hadn't, and slowly he separated from me. "I am not unhappy that you changed our fate. We were witnessed in Lothlorien, blessed by the Lady Galadriel, and no better time can I think of now."
Witnessed in Lothlorien. That was right. Elf super hearing meant that someone probably heard us the first time. And they probably told everyone else. I may have felt kind of okay with the idea of being married to Legolas but still wasn't completely used to that idea. That had been my first time! I didn't want anyone except Legolas in on it.
"Legolas, is this really okay? You and me. I mean, it isn't common, is it? You can say I'm Elf in spirit all you like but in body..."
Legolas hesitated. That spoke more than anything else for me. The fact that he didn't respond straight away, that he needed to think of an answer, suggested that it wasn't actually going to be as easy as he probably hoped. When he did spoke my fears were confirmed. "It is … not going to be easy. I do not know what will happen with us. The fate of mortal and immortal is not something any can see. And our path. I do not... know what to tell you. I do not know what my fate is any more."
I sighed. He looked so tired suddenly. It really did bother me … that he was doing this. I was sure he was sacrificing a lot more than he was letting on. It was like when he'd known...well, thought... I'd been raped and hadn't told me. Was Legolas trying to protect me again? "Legolas..."
Gimli entered at that point, food in his hands, several plates worth on top of the one he was clearly digging into. "Food."
"Thanks." I accepted one of the plates and sat down. Gimli sat on another bed, one of the smaller ones, Legolas moving to lean against the table with his own. The warmth was gone from his face. He had that distant Elf mask back on and I suspected I'd get no more answers from him tonight about this.
Luckily, we had three days, and Legolas couldn't run far from me on top of a cliff.
Merry, Boromir and Aragorn joined us soon after. I noticed that there wasn't enough beds. Aragorn, probably, had his own space. It was amazing they let me sleep in here with the others, really, given that I was a woman. Maybe no one outside this tent knew.
I ate quietly, the others joking and laughing, watching them. I didn't feel anything for Boromir, not like I did for Legolas, and now suddenly I was starting to see how insane this was. Boromir? Easy partner. Same species. No one would even question it. Legolas? That was a hell of a lot of problems right there. It reminded me, with a start, of that Romeo and Juliet movie. I'd watched it once, bawled my eyes out, and refused to watch the end after that. I'd always cut the movie off right when Romeo reached the church and tell myself that Juliet woke in time, that they snuck away, and made lots of pretty babies.
It was absurd to even be thinking of this right now. We were about to charge into some giant battle. I shouldn't have even been thinking about it. But my emotions were too crazy to let go of it. I suddenly couldn't separate us from Romeo and Juliet- like I was half expecting us to have a terrible death like that. Food finished and Gimli was already half asleep when I was caught out.
"Wenduin!" Eowyn's voice made me jump as she flung the tent flap aside. "You sleep with me."
"Oh." I stood up. Couldn't even be bothered arguing. "Okay. Don't sneak off on me, you guys."
Eowyn and I were in a fairly beautiful tent, two beds set out on either side, soft fur arranged across the gap between. There were banners hung, a wooden table set up, a soft light from the lantern making the little tent look warm and cosy. Chests were at the end of each bed, as were, I noticed, chamberpots. The beds were soft too, I realised as I bent down to touch one, really soft. Eowyn was tying the tent flaps shut.
"I can't believe it's so comfortable." I admitted as she sat on the other side with a low sigh.
"Relax. You have rode and worked hard." Eowyn was undressing, sighing again, tension fading from her body as she got the dress off her head. "I am glad we finished it so quickly. I hope your husband does not mind but-"
"I don't think he sleeps anyway." I smiled weakly. I slid the blankets back, finding an under-dress waiting inside, and somehow managed to pull it on as I tugged my other things off. It reminded me- I'd have to repair a few tears in my leggings tomorrow. "So I doubt it."
"I understand that Elves have different ritual to Men with marriage." Eowyn said, watching me, either unaware or not caring of my inability to be open with my body like she had been. "My Uncle would feel more comfortable about offering you and him privacy, if you were all Elf, but you are also the sister of Aragorn. You have not wed under the law of man yet, have you?"
"We haven't really had a chance. I don't even know how it's done." I responded as I slid into the bed. The sheets were warm. "How come it's warm?"
"The blankets are hung over the fire briefly before placed in bed." Eowyn was quick to return to her topic of choice. "The marriage of men? The father of the bride offers her to the husband. They vow, before their parents and family, to spend a lifetime together. Then there is feasting and gifts offered, gifts to assist the wife to create a home and for the husband to care for her."
"To create a home." Domestic, in other words, to get the woman settled into her new domestic life.
Eowyn laughed at my face. "Yes. Jars, pots, bolts of cloth, clothing for the children to come. I did not feel very inspired by this when I heard of it either, as a girl, I preferred the man's gifts. Swords, fine horses, such things of use."
"They sound better, really." I relaxed back in my bed and shut my eyes. I could hear Legolas nearby. He was singing, very soft, just a few feet from where I lay. Eowyn hadn't noticed. "I guess this entire ...world seems weird to me. That women aren't equal."
"You must feel that you are a man's equal before he accepts it. You do, I see it, and so do I. The men of our life will have to accept it too." Eowyn yawned, stretching, and twisted around to blow out the lantern. "Sleep well."
I lay there staring up, listening to Legolas sing softly, almost sure that I could feel the tent move slightly as he moved to stand right beside me in the dark. I felt a hand, suddenly, press against mine through the tent fabric. It was amazing how he just knew.
Then, the hand was clasped around mine, and it wasn't the tent. I stared into the side of the tent, no longer made of canvas, but a small enclosed room. Stone and wood, carvings, much like Rivendel in beauty. Legolas looked older. Exhausted. Grief was etched across his face. Something was in his arms. And beside him, holding my hand, was a boy.
It was hard to tell- he was beautiful, this little boy, so feminine in appearance. But I knew it was a boy. Wide eyes, wide bright green eyes, staring at me. Maybe three years old, couldn't be older than that, but his eyes were so wise and old.
There was a baby in Legolas' arms. Tiny, pink faced, with the mottled skin of a newborn, distinctly pointed ears on the side I could see. Cloudy blue eyes. Still bloody, still wet, wrapped in a beautiful silver blanket, a circlet already across her forehead.
"Naneth?" The boy asked, very quietly, very uncertain. He was reaching out to touch me. I saw my own hand to reach out to touch the little boy, to touch his warm golden hair, and Legolas reached out to grasp my hand and push it back down.
"Rest and heal."
I was dying.
I breathed out, slowly, and felt my heart break when I opened them and saw that Legolas too, was dying inside. There was something missing in his eyes. It was like a light was fading in them. I was dying and so was he. Only, he wasn't able to accept it, he couldn't. I knew it. I knew I was going to die. I slid the leaf off, from around my neck, and as I slid it over the boy's head, Legolas flinched and turned away, his body shaking.
"We knew it wouldn't ...last long." I heard myself say, quietly, and shut my eyes.
When I blinked again though, I could only see the side of the tent, and I inhaled slowly, pain rushing through me, aware once more of Legolas leaning against the side of the tent. What had that been? A dream? Something else?
I slid over, to stare towards Eowyn, who was already asleep. How I knew this, I wasn't sure, but it felt like some time had passed. I slid up slowly, tugging on my clothes and cloak, and was not surprised to see Legolas waiting for me at the entrance to the tent.
"What did I see?"
"See? I do not know what you mean. Come." He grasped my hand, voice soft, and I followed him through the darkness to the edge of the cliff. "Stand with me as I keep watch."
I stood beside him, our arms brushing, Legolas gazing out into the darkness of the night. I wondered how much he could see. Probably a lot.
It hadn't been a dream. Had it? I wasn't sure what I had seen. But ...I had to assume it had been one. Maybe my mind, showing me my worst fears, showing me what I feared would happen to Legolas.
"How long has it been since I went with Eowyn to sleep?"
"Several hours."
His answer calmed me a little and I sighed, releasing tension I hadn't even realised I was holding onto, relaxing. Okay. It had to have been a dream then. It was my worst fear- dying young, because I was pretty sure I had been, and seeing Legolas die with me.
As I stood beside him, as I waited for the dream to fade, I gazed out into the darkness. I let my eyes wander. Dozens of camp-fires dotted the land below us, the darkness hiding the frightening drop of the cliff, and it was as if stars had fallen to earth. The stars above were bright, clear, without any light pollution to cut them off. I'd told Legolas that these stars were different. Now I wasn't so sure. Maybe the problem had been that there'd been so many that I hadn't seen familiar shapes?
Standing there with Legolas did the trick though. I started to relax enough to be sleepy, which was probably what he'd been up to, and lazily watched soldiers around camp-fires. To my amusement I saw two men embrace, literally kiss each other's faces off, and vanish into the bush. I didn't say anything though. So what? I had an Elf for a lover. ...well, husband. I wasn't going to comment on their choices when I'd accepted an impossible husband for a partner, was I?
"Are you relaxed now?" He asked softly, almost tenderly, though he didn't step towards me. We were clearly in the 'professional distance' part of our lives. Fighting and smashing things before snuggling and touching. I somehow didn't mind. Less distracting this way.
"I think I'm going to sleep." I yawned, voice soft. "Thanks."
"Dream for us." He met my eyes a moment before his eyes went back to the land. "Dream of good things."
"I'll do my best, lover boy." I teased softly. This time when I lay down to sleep, I did not have nightmares, only a heavy relaxing sleep with Legolas singing through my dreams.
The next day, as more soldiers turned up by the hundreds, I spent most of the day with Boromir training. He was clearly determined to get my sword skills good enough to handle Orc. And for once he didn't flinch when he injured me. If anything it just made him more determined to get me to fight.
Merry got Gimli for the morning. It was a good match, Gimli was as hard on Merry as Boromir with me, and their similar heights seemed to help Merry figure out better posture. Or that was what Gimli said. That afternoon, we swapped,Gimli with me and Boromir giving Merry a hard time instead.
I knew Legolas was watching. It should have unnerved me but instead it seemed to make things easier. I could have almost sworn that I could move faster, or at least anticipate their moves faster, and when I switched to archery, I seemed to do better. Was that to show off in front of him? Maybe. Maybe it was because soldiers were watching and I was the 'half-elf sister of Aragorn and lover of the Elf' and I had a reputation to live up to.
Probably not though. I didn't really care any more what they thought. I just wanted to survive the next battle.
That night, after Eowyn had fallen asleep, Legolas reappeared and as we had the night before, we went to stand against the edge of the cliff together, side by side, a little distance between us. A foot didn't bother me right now. He could have been a hundred metres from me and I'd have known he was there.
I glanced sideways at Legolas, who had that calm relaxed look on his face, and found wonder at him returning. As this relationship continued I should have been more distracted around him. Shouldn't I? Everyone knew we were in a relationship now. And yet, even though it was public knowledge, we held back in times like this. Neither of us tried to kiss or fondle the other, tried to find a quiet space to have some fun, though we could have if we'd wanted to. Duty before pleasure.
Instead of mixing the two, instead of craving intimacy with him in tense times like this, I found myself more able to concentrate. More able to be present in situations, to focus on what was happening, to be 'archer Wenduin' instead of 'Legolas' lover, Wenduin'. Yes, I was both things, but when I was the archer I couldn't fear for Legolas as I did when I was his lover. His wife.
I felt like I could stand beside him in any situation, in any kind of danger, and be able to focus. I didn't fear for him, I didn't feel like I had to watch his back, or that he had to watch mine, it was this absolute trust in him that he could handle himself and I could handle myself. That we could do our own thing when we had to, fight together when we had to, and that I didn't need him. That, when it came time for it, I could put my duty to helping fight this war above our relationship. It was the best way to honour it. Once the battles were done I could put aside my bow and we could do that lovey dovey thing with each other.
I snorted, softly, and wondered when I'd become such a hardened warrior anyway. Seriously.
"What is funny?"
"Nothing much. I'm just amused at ...becoming this. A warrior."
Legolas didn't look at me but I swore I saw his lips twitch in the dark. "I wish to be there when you reunite with your 'boyfriend'."
"Ex. He just doesn't know it yet." Or maybe he did. Who knew. Some part of me felt resistance to this, even now, the old Kimberly. The old me. I did still feel for him, more so now that I remembered him, but the feelings for him and the feelings for Legolas? Like vegetarian bacon against real bacon. It was always clear what was real and what wasn't.
"Why did you ask me to keep watch with you?"
Legolas shrugged, lightly, meeting my eyes a moment. "To show you that." He pointed at one of the camp-fires.
I stared down and blinked as I saw that same pair of soldiers, both men, alone at the camp-fire. Cuddling. Clearly not 'friends'. Okay. "So they're lovers. So what?"
"So, that camp-fire is two miles away."
The realisation that he was right staggered me. Suddenly, I couldn't see the soldiers, I could only see a distant blur of fire again. Woah. "How-"
"The bond."
"It makes my eyes better?"
"And mine a little worse." When I flinched, when my face fell, Legolas twisted his head in my direction to meet my eyes. He was clearly not upset. "I am still able to see, Wenduin, do not feel guilt. I share some of my strength with you and you share some with me."
"Like what?"
"Can you think of nothing men have that Elves do not?"
"Um." I was about to say 'beards' when I remembered what he'd said days before about rape. What Gandalf had said. Gandalf had said Elves were 'delicate. When I tried to answer, I sounded timid, unsure, half convinced already I was wrong. "I guess... I guess some strength... of some kind?"
"Endurance. I had to speak to Aragorn for the right word in the common tongue. Your kind, the kin of your body, can endure so much pain and suffering and yet continue on. I saw women, humans, gather their dead sons in their arms, carry their husband's bodies, find their fathers under Uruk Hai, after a night of waiting. I saw them carry them to be buried, to wash them, and yet somehow able to continue on clearing the dead. No Elf I have known could carry such terrible grief and still continue as those women had." Legolas looked away. He was thoughtful, shifting over to rest against the wall, adding softer, "We linger. Our feelings, our memories, and sometimes I have wondered if we live too long."
"Too long?"
"Yes, my love. We carry our hearts. Every mark, every love, every wound, we carry. We cannot survive terrible abuse as men can. When tortured, we cannot hold our minds. This was how the first Orc was created. The answered of all Orc is my own kin. Tortured, tormented, until they could no longer bear it. Until their madness changed them, mind body and soul." Legolas sighed. "I think we live too long."
I had not known that. I stared at Legolas, at the tired look on his face, seeing for the first time really how old he was. He was ancient by my standards. I wanted to argue with him but … I saw Lord Elrond, suddenly, speaking with Gandalf. In Rivendel. Telling him about when Isidur was supposed to have destroyed the ring. It had been thousands of years before, two, three thousand, I didn't know... and yet he'd spoken with the intense anger and pain, the resentment, as if it had been yesterday. As if it hadn't been thousands of years.
How could I argue with him?
"This is why my kin have never forgiven Dwarves since the days of betrayal." Legolas said softly. "I did not understand how wrong my hatred was until I came face to face for the first time with Dwarves."
"At Rivendel?"
"No. In my father's Hall. Gimli was not the first dwarf I befriended. Before him, was his father."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Legolas had clearly disliked Gimli and his father at the meeting. "But you-"
"Did not like him in Rivendel?" I must have been obvious. Legolas nodded. "Once, Dwarves and one hobbit crossed through Mirkwood, to face a dragon in the Misty Mountains beyond. I was younger than I am now. I had started to question what my father told me. When I met these beings, these horrors from my father's hurt, I found them to be ..." He smiled a little then. "...not so terrible after all. Bilbo, I liked, and not a single dwarf could I hate. I helped them escape my father."
"You what?" I gawked at Legolas.
"He was furious." The smile on Legolas face faded. "I do not know if I will ever be forgiven. My hurt, at my father's rejection, made me resent all dwarves and I started to believe I had been used. But now, now that I have met the son of Gloin, I know I did the right thing. My father holds his pain over his face and can not see the truth."
"He rejected you?"
"He loves me. I betrayed his love and trust. It has hurt him deeply." Legolas reached out to brush my arm, pulling me closer, so that there was only a tiny gap between us.
"And Elves hang onto things too long."
"One day he will forgive me." Legolas sounded more hopeful than certain, I noticed, his voice barely loud enough to hear. "But I am only a Prince now in name. Never will I rule the Elves of Mirkwood. I once was very sad. Now, I am at peace now with what I had to do. Now, I am grateful for the freedom he gifted me."
"But he sent you to the meeting, didn't he?"
"If he knew what was happening, it would not have been me . It would have been my brother. His heir." Legolas responded. Something did flash across his face then. Hurt? Resentment of his own? Jealousy? It was gone so fast that I wondered if I'd just expected to see it. "I only came to inform Lord Elrond of Gollum's escape."
"And here you are."
"Here I am." Legolas agreed. He smiled, sudden, drawing me close against his side, inhaling deep. "Here we are."
What he'd said about his father though worried me a little. That wasn't going to make this easy. This relationship. Or would it make it really easy? I wasn't sure. Either his father would reject me completely or he'd just pretend I didn't exist. I did not look forward to finding out which it was.
A soldier passed by and I was released. I stood nearby, as we watched the solider move past, Legolas' face shielded once more. Not just his face. Everything about him was suddenly hidden. For a few minutes he'd opened his heart to me, his mind, and shared something right beside that heart he'd have to carry for the rest of his life. It was amazing. When he was around others, he was distant, aloof, a presence that barely cracked. Around the Fellowship this changed. Not jut me. Aragorn, Gimli, even Boromir to some extent, and he'd started to show more of his true self.
"It must hurt." I said quietly, when the soldier was gone and Legolas relaxed a little, as I watched hi face. "For him to hold onto that hurt."
"I-" Legolas trailed off. Yeah, I saw it now, I did see the hurt. Like he was a child once more. Rejected by his own father. "Could ignore it more when around my own kin. We have so long. I did not see time as I do now. Now, now that I have seen … now that I have viewed the world through the eyes of mortal men, it does hurt. A little. I see time as you do."
He went guarded once more. I expected there to be a guard, or something, but no. Legolas was just shutting me out now. He couldn't expose himself any more. I didn't push, I didn't speak, I just stepped back and let it go. When he was ready to talk again he would.
I crawled into bed that night, Legolas remaining behind on the edge of the cliff, and lay there for a long time thinking on what he'd said. It bothered me. I'd never thought about it, how it was to live for so long, how hard it had to be on them. Endurance. I had shared my endurance with him. I wondered what that meant. Or what he'd shared with me in return.
It was not an easy sleep that night.