I wandered through the streets till the late hours of the night, then returned home.
The Flash. What an ironic name to give to a huge criminal. My phone rang for the umpteenth time during the hour, all the calls from Caitlin trying to reach me. Telling me to comfort Cisco, but I couldn't do it because every single time I look at him it reminds me of what I had done to his family. Diggle and Lyla were supposed to have a baby girl Sara to honor the memory of Sara Lance, and now they couldn't do that as well because I took it away and turned their baby into John Junior. And yet, Iris is still my loving girlfriend and I still have a caring dad-detective Joe West. My family hasn't changed in the slightest bit. It isn't fair. Why do I still have all this when I have inflicted so much pain in other people's lives and families? Why do I deserve happiness?
I walked into the bathroom and my gaze flickered to the razor lying on the sink.
My mouth quirked into a smile, a sadistic one even. The answer is simple, really. Because I don't deserve happiness. What I do deserve, is to be punished, and to feel multiple times the pain I inflicted onto other people.
Swiftly, I removed the blade from the razor. The metal glinted under the dim light in the bathroom.
I slid the blade across my wrist. Blood started beading up from the wound. Then I did it again, only deeper and this time, blood started flowing out in a much quicker speed. I did it again multiple times and hissed from the pain. It was unbearable, yet welcoming. Strangely enough, I also felt relieved. I snapped out of my thoughts and tidied the mess i created then stared at my wrist. It's a bad time to be doing this really, seeing as it is summer, but I heal quickly anyway, and I'll just make sure to be careful enough not to be caught.
My phone rang again. This time, I picked it up, and sped out of the house, on my way back to star labs.
Caitlin and I were comforting Cisco, whispering lies into his ears when a metahuman struck the city. This meta could control the electric current. He would shut off all the electricity in the city, rob the banks then turn it back on, leaving us no way to know his location. However, according to Caitlin, last time he left behind a piece of cloth during his attack, giving something for Cisco to vibe with. Needless to say, once we got his location, we caught him successfully and put him in the pipeline.
That was how life when by day by day. I'd cut, go to work or star labs, then meet with Iris, then cut before bed. That was what I called normal. I'd even bring a razor with me if I feel particularly bad or anything one day, risking the chance to be caught, to feel the relief flooding through the blood. Part of me wanted to get caught actually, so they'd think I'm crazy and send me away, far far away. Until the dominators attacked us. That was when all hell broke loose.