Hey guys! I'm sorry I haven't been updating as frequent. I wanna thank all the reviewers for all the encouragements and positive comments. I appreciate it a lot. I so wanna be in the San Diego Comic Con so I can meet all these amazing actors and actresses in person! But guess what? Life has never made anything easy for us. So instead I'm drowning all my sorrows in baking. Or writing. Not that I'm particularly good at any of them but I am trying. Once again sorry for the crappy content and all the grammatical errors in advance, and I hope you enjoy.
Barry Allen's POV
Soon later, Team Arrow left, wishing me luck. Then everyone turned their gazes at me. And here comes the moment that I have been dreading for a long long time.
"So, what will you do now, Barry?" Caitlin enquired.
But what do I say? I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I don't know if I could still be saved from myself. I don't know anything. And I am so tired, tired of pretending, tired of lying to everyone's faces. I don't want to lie anymore. So that's exactly what I said.
"I don't know." I whispered, more to myself than answering Caitlin's well-raised question.
"Why don't we get out of the lab, go back home, and let Barry get the night off, have a rest, and maybe we can talk about this...tomorrow?" Cisco started.
They all turned and stared at him, shocked by his seemingly ridiculous suggestion.
"What? I'm just saying, Barry's probably exhausted, both physically and like, emotionally right? Shouldn't he like-"
Caitlin nudged him in the arm, telling him to keep his mouth shut.
"Okay, I'll just you know, stop talking."
"Barry," Iris walked over and linked my arm with hers. "Do you mind me staying over tonight?"
Which is coded for I'm-staying-over-to-make-sure-you-don't-do anything-stupid-and-I-don't-care-if-you-don't-want-me-to-because-you-don't-have-a-choice.
"Sure," I mumbled weakly. I am starting to get dizzy and I just want to go home and sleep and maybe never wake up ever again.
Now that they found out, I have two choices: either I try to get better and quit, or I be more cautious around people and still do it when they are not watching me like a hawk. I don't know. I'm just so tired tonight, and I just want to shut down, and stop thinking. I guess I'll just make the decision tomorrow, it's not like I'm gonna do it tonight anyway.
As soon as we entered my house, I fell face flat onto my bed and fell asleep. Just when I thought I was having a dreamless sleep, I woke up from a nightmare where Cisco was yelling at me, calling me a murderer and screaming profanities at me and how he wished I was dead.
Without thinking, I leaped up, raced to the bathroom and used a new razor blade to slice my skin open over and over and over again, crying as quietly as possible throughout the entire process. But the tears subsided quickly because after blood beaded up from my injury, a weird sense of relief washed through me, calming me down and bringing me peace. However, there was something new in this bundle of emotions, something I had never felt before, and that was guilt.
Which is why I am squirming under the scrutinizing gaze of Iris. We were sitting across each other at the coffee shop, and she had been talking about her colleague or something when she noticed the distant look in my eyes, staring off into nothingness.
"Barry," And once again, her soft voice fills my ears. Why did she have to treat me so well? Why can't she just leave me now that I have broken up with her? I don't want to hurt her, I really don't, but I can't stop, I realise that now. It was an action based on instinct. Running of to the safety of my blade was intuitive. And I'm dangerous.
Oh God. I'm dangerous. Just like the wild cats in their cages.
I started fidgeting. Nails dug into my arm, breaking the skin and drawing blood. I suddenly found the table very interesting as I stared at it.
"You did it again, didn't you?" I expected her to be furious, but instead she her voice was comforting, which is what caused me to break down, tears spilling over like a sprinkler.
"I'm sorry, Iris. I didn't mean to, it's just that I-" I cried, then started panting.
"Shhhh...shhhh, it's okay Barry..." Iris was by my side the next moment, hugging me close to her.
I felt the embrace, so warm, so reassuring, so much like my mother's. I mumbled string after string of incoherent words as I whimpered in that promising hold, so strong, yet so gentle. I clutched it like it was my lifeline.
After a while, I stopped crying like a 5 year old. Everybody looked at me like I have a mental problem or something, causing me to flush from embarrassment. How weak and pathetic. I took a look at my watch. Oh gosh, as if today wasn't already bad enough. I was 2 hours late for work, and captain Singh does NOT appreciate tardiness of his workers.
Either Iris is a mind reader or my facial expression told the story, because she said, "I called in sick for you earlier today."
I heaved a sigh of relief, grateful that I do not have to face an enraged captain Singh's ranting.
Together, we walked home in silence. I expected no one to be waiting for me, so I was surprised when I saw Caitlin and Cisco outside my door, waiting for me.
"Hey Barry, buddy, how you doin today?" Cisco asked as he pat me on my shoulder.
I must have looked horrible after all that pathetic crying, because Cisco cringed when he saw my face.
That bad, huh.
The four of us went in, and I got tea for them all. Iris gazed at me, eyes questioning if she could tell them what happened this morning. Listening to the story very nearly made me burst into tears all over again.
"Do you want to talk about it? Because we are all here for you." I could sense the sincerity in Caitlin's voice.
I do not want to disappoint them, but I'm not ready for this, not yet. I can't with Cisco there. So I shook my head.
"I'm not gonna lie and tell you it's gonna be easy, because it's not." Cisco began, getting immediate slaps on his shoulder from Caitlin and Iris.
"What? He needs to hear this. Look at me Barry, look at me."
I lifted my head from looking down at the carpet.
"I'm not gonna tell you that I know how you feel, because I don't, but what I do know, is that you need to let it out. You can't bottle it up inside you, because one day, you will break, or snap. Talk to us Barry, we are all here for you. You know we love you."
"I'm sorry, but I'm not ready yet," I uttered, voice low and eyes downcast.
"That's okay Barry, just, come to me if you have any problems okay? Or just call me, whatever. I'm here for you okay? We're buddies right?"
I don't understand this at all. How are you buddies with the man who murdered your brother? Your family? Shouldn't you be plotting your revenge instead? Then that lead me to my nightmare this morning. And I felt that Cisco jabbing his finger into my chest, shrieking at me for killing his brother.
It's too much, too overwhelming. I need to get to the bathroom, stat. So I left without making further comment.
A couple minutes later, there were fresh lines on my wrist. I had been staring at it, fascinated by it even, when the door burst open.
I totally forgot that there were people here, and therefore forgot to lock the door.
"Barry, hand me the blade." Caitlin said, staring firmly into me.
I clutched even more tightly onto my blade, turning my knuckles white.
Iris came over and hugged me, prying the blade out of my hands. At the same time, Caitlin opened my cabinet and took all the razor blades.
"You realise that I could just buy more right?" I asked.
"Barry, even if you don't want to talk, please don't shut us out, please. We are your friends, and we all love you, and we just wanna help you, so please, don't shut us out." Iris said, on the verge of tears.
They took away my blades, and attempted to force me to talk. They even caught me in the middle of doing it.
Cisco's right, this isn't going to be easy.
I am really really sorry for the crappy content. I just couldn't get my mind straight today. Next chapter, I'll be including more Cisco/Barry friendship, so stay tuned. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and please review! Thanks!