Author note: Here is the chapter in which Matty reads Mello's journal(s). Take from it what you will. Please read, review and enjoy. Oh yeah, each of Mello's entries were labeled '##' because, well I'm too lazy to think up actual dates for each of his entries. I think in most you can figure out an in general time that he wrote it. It starts from the beginning and moves on.
Private Secrets
Mello had offered to read it to Matt while the red head listened but the other had decidedly turned him down. He guessed that Matt didn't trust him enough not to change certain entries that he never wanted to see the light of day. That was more truthful than he was willing to admit. He was allowing the red head into his world. He was giving himself to someone else. That was something that he had never believed would happen but if it was anyone he guessed that Matt would be that person.
The red head had retreated to his bedroom with the notebooks and shut the door. He hadn't been heard from since but Mello guessed that he was reading right now. The idea of it made him cringe. He closed his eyes but even sleep wouldn't come when he was agitated. He sighed opening his bedroom door to glance across the hall. It was all or nothing. Since when did he care so much what Matt was planning on doing? Was he so lonely that if Matt moved out he didn't believe he could make other friends? No, Matt was just more important than friends. What the hell did that even mean?
~*xXx*~
Entry ##
Roger once told me a while back that Matt was my saving grace. At first, I didn't know what he meant. Before he had said that I had never noticed Matt for anything more than my roommate, my friend and the person I spent hours yelling at for being stupid. When Near came he was the only person that could calm me down when I flew into a rage. The only person that could weather my hurricane and come back out intact with more words to spare. I see now that Matt is my saving grace. Without him I'm not sure how things would turn out for myself or anyone else in this house. He's the one thing that pulls me back once I've gone over the edge. I would never tell him that but I really like Matt. It's like we share an unspoken bond and it's something that I never want to lose. I can't lie. A world without Matt and I would be painfully lonely. I'm glad that I have him.
Entry number ##
I told him that he should have stopped talking while he was ahead and he didn't listen. I told him that if he didn't back down I would hit hm. I told him this and he still stood his ground. That stupid smirk and those stupid goggles and that stupid pinging of that stupid video game. So, when he didn't listen to what I told him I hit him. I hit him again and again and again. He took every last one of those hits like they bounced off of him and still smirked at me when I was done. Stupid Matt using himself to calm me down. Stupid, Stupid Matt. Now he's lying on the bottom bunk attempting to stop whimpering in his sleep so I don't know that I actually hurt him. Now, I feel bad but I won't say that I'm sorry.
Entry ##
Matt came up with this ingenious plan to sneak out and go into town to watch the match tonight. At first I believe that he was absolutely out of his mind but the more that he said the more that he wore on me. Finally, I went with him. We don't have much experience with the outside world but Matt is the only person that I've ever met to actually just take a lie and run with it. Before I knew it he had everyone in the pub believing that we were 19 and just wanted to come out and have some fun. He doesn't know it but as strange as he acts at times he has a likeable personality. I certainly like it.
Entry number ##
I haven't had the change to write anything. Truthfully, I'm not even sure why I decided to bring this stupid notebook with me but somehow it's something to replace Matt. I left him behind in Wammy house. I couldn't drag him out into the world without knowing what was out there for us to face. If anything I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something ever happened to Matty. I've spent years making sure that no one bothered him to the point that he's finally set in his ways. He's spent many years saving me from those that I want to hurt. It hurt me to leave him behind standing there in the window watching me walk away. He was the only person I made aware of my departure from Wammy house and I'm positive that he will be the only person that I'll miss. I couldn't bring him with me. Matt in this world would crush me. Matt, hanging onto my coattails and following me into hell. If there was anyone that I wanted to save, it would be Matty. Only Matty.
Entry ##
Still another gap since I've been able to write. I managed to make nice with quite a few unsavory individuals while attempting my recruitment. They need my mind and I need their power. In the last few days I've managed to do things that would make Mother Mary sob. I have to work my way up. Just because I'm intelligent doesn't mean that I won't double cross them which the sentiment is correct though I'm not working with anyone else. The most that I've been able to do was become introduced to the Don. He questioned me on some business and what I would do in this kind of situation. It's very basic but I have a lot to learn. I was right in my earlier idea not to bring Matt here. He wouldn't be able to stay here with me. I wouldn't allow them to drag Matty through the mud.
Entry ##
I actually killed someone today. My hands are stills shaking uncontrollably. I never believed that the day would ever come but I don't understand what made me believe that I would be different. I've found that I have steeled my emotions and I no longer feel fear but my soul. Mother Mary won't even be able to take my side at this point. I purposely shot that man in order to assure my spot here and to move up past a soldier. I watched the blood explode form his form and hit me in the face. I could feel the warm crimson and almost taste it but I didn't dare drop my gun. They were actually proud of me. I wasn't even given a reason to shoot the man just the order to do it. The pure power of the moment is still coursing through me .This is my time. I've finally managed to make it somewhere where I can catch Kira and beat Near. There's no turning back.
Entry ##
Today I was almost tempted to go home. Home. It's strange that I call a play that I haven't been in years home. If anything where I am now should be home but it's not. Today is Matt's 18th birthday and there's no doubt that he's going to be leaving home to begin a new life. I can't believe I'm still thinking about someone that I haven't seen in ages. I hurt him. The way I left him. When I left him. There's not logical reason for Matt to even be thinking about me anymore and yet right now more than anything I want to track him down just to wish him a happy birthday. Even in this world he's still my only friend but I believe to him I lost that title ages ago. I still consider him a friend. I'll always consider him a friend. Happy birthday Matty.
Entry ##
I was online doing a bit of last minute research before I had to report to the Don and I believe that I came across Matt. I didn't want to simply come out and tell him that I knew who he was. Matt who lives his life believing that someone is after him and constantly watching. I didn't want to alert him so instead I read his progress. It seems that he's doing well for himself and he's still a nerd. His username was the first thing that I noticed when I checked the site, 'MarioMatt,' apparently he's some form of hacking God. I wouldn't put it past him to be able to do a bit of damage. I'm just glad that he's doing alright for himself.
Entry ##
I actually saw him today. Matt was sitting in a new import convertible smoking a cigarette. When I lifted my visor to get a better look I thought he looked directly at me. Actually, he did but he was too far off to be able to actually see me. Instead of saying anything I waved at him and he smiled back before switching gears and taking off down the road. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to be able to follow him home and finally…be with Matt. Why should I feel this way for someone who didn't even notice it was me on the motorcycle? No, Matt just didn't see me. He didn't know that I was there. I think it's about time that I find Matty. It's been far too long. Judging by the look I got at him today he's grown up. I won't go into details, that would be a bit too much but in due time.
Entry ##
Matt isn't nearly as hard to find as I had originally believed that he would be. Actually, I had been able to locate him with a simple easy hack into his computer. Sometimes tells me that Matt lowered his own security in the hopes that I would use the things that he taught me to find him. I couldn't help but laugh when it worked. So now I know exactly where he is and whenever I get up the courage I'll go and find him. Somehow, the idea of me going to find Matty isn't something that makes me jump for joy. He's the only person that I want to see but something inside is telling me that I shouldn't go to him now. I've delved myself into a world of crime and hurt. If they were to ever find Matt they could use him against me. I've worked had to come out on top and to make sure to show that there was nothing in the world that I valued. Even my own life but Matt…I can never allow them to know that Matt lives. That there's someone in the world that I would stop at nothing to save. In this world I don't have much and even if he hates me I still have Matt. I can't do this to him. I just can't. I'm sorry.
Entry ##
Matt and I moved in together today. It was actually pretty interesting to watch an introvert walk around and attempt to talk to people. I nearly buckled over watching him attempt to explain to the neighbors that we weren't lovers but just friends. I still don't think that they believed him. Over the last few years Matt is pretty much the same personality wise though he's still acting cold to me. I haven't once told him what it was that I do for a living or where I get my money but then again he never asked. I didn't bother asking him the same thing but there are very few things in the world that people like Matt can do to make the kind of money that he does. The only difference besides his attitude is the way he looks. Matt had actually grown up in my absence. I'm actually quite ashamed that I wasn't around to watch something so amazing take place. His boyish jaw has lined itself out. He's a skinny as a pole but cute. His hair still covers his face and he pulls his goggles down so I can't watch him but he's still Matty. We sat for nearly two hours in our living room talking to each other. No furniture or anything. He still looks at me the same, even with this scar on my face. Matty's the only person who can make me feel beautiful just by watching me.
Entry ##
Matt got himself into some kind of fucked up trouble. The most that I know right now is that he doesn't remember anything about himself or me. It's actually unnerving to be standing there and to watch him follow me from one side of the room to the other with his gaze now. At least My Matt wasn't so blatant about everything that he was feeling. He kept it to himself and…I keep my thoughts to myself. Especially the ones that I won't even attempt to record here. He's far more sexual, apparently he even slept…with…a …nurse? Can you believe that? Matt actually had sex with someone. Somehow, the idea of it pisses me off more than I can explain. I guess I never imagined that Matt would have sex…before me. Or maybe there's something else. I don't really know but I want My Matt back.
Entry ##
I kissed him. I actually kissed Matt and I can't explain how it felt. I didn't even mean to do it but he was back after all the hell that he had put me though he had returned. He looked so beautiful and confused that before I knew it I was holding him in my arms. I…I can't do this right now. All I know is that now he's not talking to me. I've ruined our friendship, again. I can't believe this.
~*xXx*~
Matt shifted staring down at the array of journals that the blond had given him. Everything was here from the very beginning to just the other day and after reading it he didn't feel any better. Nowhere here did it say that Mello felt the same way about him that he felt. Mello didn't understand what it felt to go through day after day wanting someone. Mello didn't understand what he felt like to want to wake up beside the person that you love. Mello didn't understand that he just wanted him. He could never understand.
He sighed standing up and gathering the books. Mello was probably waiting on him right now. Knowing Mello he would sit up all night if it meant that he got the effect that he desired. There was only one thing that he could think to do. He shuffled forward knocking quietly on Mello's door before opening it. "Mell?" He watched the blond look up before moving to sit up on his bed. For once he wasn't wearing his leather which showed that Mello wasn't about to leave for anywhere anytime soon. He wore normal cotton pajama pants and a warm shirt. "Here's your stuff."
The blond nodded gesturing for him to set it down wherever. "Look Matt, I'll respect if you want to move out but we've just got back together." He paused thinking about how his words sounded. "I really would miss you if you left." He mumbled his hair pulled into a ponytail leaving his face exposed for once. Matt could see the sincerity in his face as the other watched him. "Matt…"
The red head held up a hand, "We'll see Mell." He stood there in the doorway watching the other for nearly another minute before smirking. "Have a good night blondie. Don't forget to say your prayers."
Mello gave a small smile, "I won't. Good night Matt." He watched the door shut behind the other before his head fell to his hands. "Dammit."