Thanks for the reviews, Jadeflower, Breezekit, and yolo! I'm sorry that I couldn't do every requested cat, but I tried. Remember, I don't actually hate any of these cats.

"Okay, listen up you bunch of derp faces. We all know by now that everyone who goes out there dies. So first and foremost, we're sacrificing Graypool because she's an elder and no one likes elders because the apprentices have to clean up their crap and clean their tick-infested bodies. Also, what even is a gray pool? Sounds like sewage water." Mistystar said to the remaining cats.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY I'M OLD AND DEAF AND I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Graypool shouted.

"You're going on a trip on our favorite rocket ship." Lionblaze said into her ear.

"ROCKET? THAT BASTARD HE CHEATED ON ME WITH MOUSEFUR." Graypool exploded in a shower of blood and guts.

"Lionblaze, you're not allowed to talk to elders anymore." Bramblestar said to the tom.

"Okay let's make this quick. Rainflower, you're a terrible mother so we're going to let you go off and die. Crookedstar, even though you're a STAR, to be quite frank you're hideous. Anyone who sees your face has blood leaking out of their eyes. The only reason why you're even a good fisher is because the fish see you and are paralyzed in terror."

Crookedstar burst into tears. "YOUR WORDS ARE HURTING ME."

"I don't give two ****s about your pain. Just get your job done."

"I'm proud of your emotional detachment, daughter." Bluestar said to her.

"Thanks, abandoning mother who I didn't even know was my real mother until I was full-grown. Now we will do a vote on who will be the last cat to offer as tribute. You all have voting ballots. No peeking at other cat's selections or you are automatically chosen."

"Icewing's cheating!" Dewkit tattled.

"ICEWING I JUST ****ING SAID NOT TO CHEAT YOU COMPLETE IMBECILE. AND DEWKIT, GO SIT IN THE TIME-OUT CORNER FOR BEING A TATTLETALE." Mistystar glared at him.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT! HE'S A THUNDERCLAN CAT." Firestar yelled.

"Technically, we're all in the same clan. StarClan."

"Fine. You know what? Dewkit, you can never have Mountain Dew again."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dewkit spontaneously combusted just like Briarlight.

"Did I mention that I like Cheetos?" Purdy asked.

"No one gives a ****." Amberkit replied.

"Ohhhhhhhhhh you just got burned by a she-kit!" Longtail laughed.

"SHUT UP CRIPPLE. ICEWING, RAINFLOWER, AND CROOKEDSTAR, GO TRY TO DISCOVER SHREK'S SECRET AND DIE TRYING." Mistystar screeched.

"Fine. Since I'm a mother****ing STAR, I'm leading." Crookedstar marched off, with the other cats in tow.

"I ordered some Doritos Locos Tacos while we wait." Dovewing announced.

"HAIL YEAH." The cats proceeded to get high on the tacos.

Meanwhile, Crookedstar, Rainflower, and Icewing, were about to cross a stream when they saw a giant Pikachu appear.

"EACH OF YOU CAN GIVE YOUR OWN SEPARATE ANSWER. THOSE WHO GET IT RIGHT CAN PASS, WHILE THOSE WHO GET IT WRONG WILL DIE." He squeaked. "WHAT IS NINE PLUS TEN?"

"It's twenty one." Crookedstar and Icewing chorused. The white she-cat flicked her tail nervously.

"You fools. It's nineteen." Rainflower raised her nose and waited for a passage to open for her. Instead, Pikachu used Electro Ball on her and left her fried carcass in the river. He disappeared, letting Icewing and Crookedstar to swim across the river.

"So… why'd you cheat?" Crookedstar asked awkwardly as he shook water from his thick pelt.

"I didn't! You can't even cheat when you're voting for a cat's death! I was checking on what my kits were voting for."

"You could have said that to Mistystar, AKA the cat who sacrificed her own uncle to death."

"Ouch." Icewing commented. And that was when she noticed that there was a fish in the river. "OH MY STARCLAN! FISH!"

"That's not a fish…" Crookedstar began. But it was too late. Icewing was eating his mother's corpse. "Nevermind. What's it taste like?"

"Chicken." As she said it, enormous cat that looked a bit like a chicken appeared.

"I AM CHICKENSTAR FROM CHICKENCLAN AND THIS INSULT WILL NOT STAND. YOU ARE VERY WELL AWARE THAT CHICKEN TASTES LIKE TURKEY, NOT FISH."

"Oh crap." Icewing was turned into a chicken and then was eaten by Chickenstar.

"TASTES LIKE TURKEY." He said before vanishing.

"WHY ME?" Crookedstar wailed, traumatized by what he had seen.

"You are destined to be a great warrior. Have some maple syrup." Her turned to see Mapleshade standing in the shadows.

"What?"

"It's fresh. Come on, no artificial colors or flavors or anything."

"Okay." Crookedstar drank some out of a bottle, despite the fact that he had no opposable thumbs. He exploded because the syrup was too evil.

"LOL I WIN! I KILLED HIM AND EVERYONE HE CARED ABOUT AND-" Mapleshade stopped speaking as a twoleg maneuvered around trees and bushes to join her.

"Mapleshade, you know we don't give free samples." BlazingFlames said, shaking her head.

"This batch was too evil."

"Oh really?" The twoleg girl chugged an entire gallon of it. "Tastes fine to me." She walked away.

Mapleshade was in disbelief. Even if that gallon had been shared between herself, Thistleclaw, Tigerstar, Brokenstar, Hawkfrost, and Darkstripe, they couldn't have handled the evilness. "Wait! Will you be my master?" Mapleshade meowed, chasing after her.

Later that day, everyone in the StarClan camp confirmed that the RiverClan cats must be dead.

"Shame," Mistystar sighed, while Willowbreeze, Oakheart, Shellheart, Silverstream, Minnowkit, and Willowkit all cried in the corner.

"Wait a second! ShadowClan can do this! We live in the swamp just like Shrek." Sagewhisker realized. Everyone absorbed this information and simultaneously facepalmed.

A/N: Any suggestions for which ShadowClan cat to sacrifice (or maybe not )?