Disclaimer: As always I do not own these characters and no copyright infringement is intended.

I woke feeling extremely groggy and to be honest as if something had crawled into my mouth and died there, but as I laid in bed trying to bring myself around, vague hazy memories assaulted me. Only this time I knew that these were not the workings of my rambling mind; they were the truth. Tanya had been front and center when James tore my life apart in such spectacular style. She stood by and watched as he hit me, she tore my heart out in the parking lot of the café, and then expected me to forgive her betrayal. I just couldn't. I understood that I hurt her, I knew that she had deeper feelings for me than I did for her,and yet I continued with our relationship, arrangement, whatever you want to call it. I cared for her yes, but love? No, it was never that for me. I never really knew what love was until I finally admitted my feelings for Bella and we starting seeing each other.

Bella, shit! My thoughts went straight to her and the vicious way that I had treated her. But then again I didn't know the truth, but I should have trusted her, shouldn't I? My mind just could not cope with all of that information. It hurt so much to think. Theobvious choice for me? Not to think or feel anything would have been the easiest way. I felt a pain in my hand and looking down I saw that I had some small cuts on my knuckles. My eyes instinctively went to where the large mirror was in my room. It was gone, an empty space was all that was left. I saw that a lot of things were out of place as I looked around my room. Books were either missing or not how they should be and when I remembered back I had visions of pulling them off the shelves,and also throwing objects around. I remembered Emmett wrestling me to the bed, and I began to panic. It reminded me of the night in the parking lot with James when there was nothing that I could do to protect myself. I also remembered feeling trapped as I was pinned to the bed. I know that Emmett was only trying to help and I hoped that he would forgive me.

I laid there contemplating what I had found out in the last 24 hours and my brain struggled to keep up. I just wanted to be left alone, but I knew that my family would not allow that. They would want to help and make things better, but this was my mess and I needed to sort it out. Everything was just so crowded in my mind but I just wanted to work this through, alone. My initial thoughts were interrupted when my dad knocked lightly on my bedroom door before he let himself in. He sat in the chair at my desk. I pretended that I hadn't seen him by continuing to stare at the ceiling.I waited until he spoke.

"I'm glad to see that you are awake. How are you feeling this morning?" He was faced with silence, so he moved his head to check that I was awake before he continued. "Well, your mom will be pleased to hear that you are awake. Do you feel okay this morning?" He then sighed. "Edward, please speak to me?" I rolled over onto my side turning my back on him, hoping that this would put him off enough and he would leave me alone, but I was not going to be that lucky. "Okay, so you do not want to speak to me. I understand that and I am sorry about last night, but you need to understand that you were going to hurt yourself and I couldn't allow that to happen. I am a Doctor, but I am also your father,and I love you so much Edward. Nothing that I have heard or seen will change that. You are my flesh and blood and my love for you is unconditional and unwavering. You need to believe me that I will not give up you on you." He paused as if waiting for me to reply. My only response was to turn toward him. Our eyes met and I could see the concern in them; it was written all over his face. A flush of guilt coursed through me. I was hurting my family yet again without meaning to. I just needed to have this feel correct in my head before I could speak to them about the fucked up mess that my life had become. My thoughts were broken by him speaking again. This time there was a firmer edge to his voice, "Edward are you listening to me? Please son, I need to know that you understand what I am saying to you."

I nodded in response which seemed to appease him as he spoke once again while reaching out toward me, but I flinched away from him. He didn't react but instead spoke in a low, calm voice.
"Okay, if you need anything please come to me. I can help you. If you need me to call Janet then…I won't I promise. Are you going to come downstairs? I know that your Mom is worried about you and we need to work together as a family and decide where we go from here. I'm going down now. Okay?"

He stood and left me where I was, slowly closing the door behind him. I heard voices outside and knew that my mom would be wanting to come and see me. Luckily my dad had caught her in time, but I heard her ask. "Carlisle? What's wrong?"

I didn't hear his response making the assumption that he led her downstairs to tell her what he said to me. I just wanted to be left alone, in peace, but I knew that being in this house it would be practically impossible. The only way to get through this until I knew what I wanted was to be alone with my thoughts. I was relieved that my self preservation instinct seemed to finally kick in. It was such a shame that it hadn't been activated so much sooner since it might have saved everyone a lot of heartache. I needed to be alone and the only way I would be able to do this was to withdraw, lick my wounds and try to rebuild myself. My family didn't need any additional pressure on them. This was my mess and I needed to make it right once and for all.

I smelled breakfast being made downstairs and my stomach growled. Nice to know that some things never change. No matter what I was going through I still needed food. I could smell my favorites being made. I had the feeling that it was mom's idea to make me comfort food with the hope that I would open up to her. I made my way downstairs as slowly and quietly as possible, hearing the voices coming from the kitchen so that I could assess who would be there. It seemed like it was the full family, including Emmett. I was dreading seeing him. I owed him an apology, but right now I wasn't able to voice the words required so it would have to wait. As I walked into the room, they all stopped talking and mom rushed towards me with her arms outstretched. I automatically flinched away from her. I didn't mean to; it was just a reflex as a lingering symptom to the injuries. Yet again, I felt like everything was my fault. Everyone saw but no-one said anything. I felt shame at the upset I was causing. She turned away from me. I know that she would be crying and I felt wretched. Rose was instantly at mom's side and put her arm around her in support.

My actions caused a cloud to hang over breakfast. Even Emmett was quiet. I was terrified that he would try to corner me and get me to talk to him. I just wanted to be left alone. People made polite conversation with, and around me, never mentioning the events of yesterday. I would just respond non verbally anytime someone spoke to me. I did notice that my mom and dad were exchanging glances. She even tried to engage me directly in conversation but I would not answer her questions. Shrugs and nods were all that I was capable of. The rest of the day was spent with me flipping through the t.v in the lounge, or when I needed time alone I would retreat to my room. Time alone with my thoughts was not ideal, but I had to do this, alone.

My family was walking on eggshells around me in my self imposed silent prison, but I was scared and needed to be left alone. I know that sounds incredibly selfish but I knew that they had each other to lean on for support. Me? I neither had nor deserved anyone to be there for me. I had lied and hurt those I was meant to love and failed to see the truth that was so clearly in front of my face where Bella was concerned. I should have listened to her, but I didn't give her the time of day. I threw her out like she was a bag of garbage and meant nothing to me. That was far from the truth. Even at the height of my anger towards her there was a small part of me that still clung onto the fact that I loved her and wanted this to work out. It was my pride that ruled and caused me to hurt her so badly, just as she had hurt me by denying and laughing at me. I knew that I was wrong, but I had no idea how to go about putting things right.

I couldn't expect Bella to just allow me to turn up on her doorstep and greet me with open arms. No, I was convinced that she hated me and never want to see me again. She had hurt me, but what I had done to her was just as bad, if not worse. The hate and venom-filled words that I spoke were not able to be taken back. I spent the time staring blankly out of my bedroom window replaying everything from the past few months. Every scene of the night of the dance was there in glorious technicolor in my head, including the whole Tanya incident. I was to blame there too. She was hurt because of me and my inability to love her. I thought she knew that for me it was just sex, fucking, whatever you wanted to call it. I had made it clear, hadn't I? I never once told her that I loved her, never gave her any indication that we would be together, so why had she jumped to that conclusion?

Tanya could have had any guys she wanted, so why me? I was young, weedy with floppy hair and glasses. I epitomized geek chic. There were football players that were falling over themselves to be with her, yet each and every one of them she knocked away because of me. Shit. I had made an even bigger mess than I first realized here. I wanted to talk to someone about this. Janet - Dr. Crabb would be perfect, but that would mean that I would have to speak to my dad to arrange the appointment. I didn't feel ready to speak to them just yet, I first needed to get things right in my own head in order to sift through the mess and make some sense of things. Hmm. Maybe I could do this alone. It wouldn't hurt to try...or would it?

The next few days passed by so slowly. I didn't speak to a soul. The silence was a comfort to I was pleased that people were respecting my decision, although I knew how hard this was for mom in particular. I could see it written on her face every time she spoke to me and I barely responded like a human. I felt confident that it had to be handled this way, but I knew I was hurting her in the process. I worked through things in my head, knowing that there was the question of what to do about James and Tanya for their part in the events at the dance. I didn't want Tanya to get into any sort of trouble. Heck, she wouldn't have got mixed up with James if I had made it more clear from the start that we were never going to be anything more than fuck buddies. Unfortunately, I was young and very naïve. I needed James to pay for what he had done, not only to me, but to Tanya. The bruises on her skin were a visual sign of how far he was prepared to go and that he would hurt anyone who stood in his way.

Five days after the massive showdown with Tanya, I heard my mom leave the house for the first time. I watched as her car pulled out of the drive from my bedroom window and felt glad to finally be in the house alone. I made my way downstairs and went to the summerhouse to exorcise the ghosts that remained there. When I walked inside, I was assaulted my memories of my liaisons with Tanya, from the very first time she caught me jerking off to the last time I was with her when she gave me a blow job. I sat in that very same chair and the irony was not lost on me. Pulling my knees to my chest, I rested my chin on them, and closed my eyes. I was awoke by hearing my name being called, and shivered against the cold that surrounded me. My name was called again, and I was quickly on my feet, passing the garden to the house where I saw my dad standing on the porch. When he saw me his face changed. He ran towards me and grabbed my shoulders firmly, lightly shaking me in frustration.

"Edward! Where the hell have you been? I was worried sick!"

I shrugged at him in response. He pulled me to him and gave me a hug. "It's alright son, I'm not angry. I just couldn't find you in the house and your car was here. Where have you been?"

Pulling away, I pointed towards the summerhouse and his eyes followed. He placed his arm around my shoulder. Despite my flinching he didn't remove it.

"Son! It's freezing, your freezing! What on earth were you doing in there? Never mind, let's get you inside and warmed up before Janet arrives."

He started to lead me back to the house and I froze. I had forgotten about Janet coming back for another session. I stared blankly at him. "Edward, come on inside. You knew that Janet was coming today. She just wants to talk to you, no-one is going to make you do anything you don't want to."

I nodded in response, and we walked toward the house. Once inside he made me a hot drink and made sure that I was comfortable before Janet arrived. I was worried about the session. How was she going to react to the fact that I would not be talking to her? This should be a fun session, I thought. Sitting in the lounge staring out of the window I heard the soft lilting tones of her Irish accent filter through the empty house, and then she addressed me.

"Afternoon Edward. How are you today?"

I turned and shrugged at her. She didn't give up, "Do you want to do the session in here or shall we go through to your fathers office?"

I pointed , indicating that I wanted to remain here. She frowned at me, "Okay, then we will do it in here. Again, remember that these are your sessions. Anything you say will remain between us two. Now, is there anything that you want to tell me about? Anything that has happened since our last session that you want to discuss?"

Shaking my head at her, I really wanted to scream, "Yes! I have had my heart practically ripped out and trampled all over. I need you to help me work out what to do next. I have hurt everyone I care about and have ever loved. I should have died that night on the beach. I don't deserve to be here." If she knew how I felt then I knew that she would have no option than other to have me admitted under some kind of specialist care and I didn't want that, no way. I knew that I would work things out and it was just a case of needing the time and space.

Janet didn't give in. There were several times when I looked at her during our session that I wanted to break down and tell her everything, but I didn't, I couldn't. She was the only person who nearly broke through to me and the way she did it was by being normal. Janet never treated me like I had done anything wrong, or like she needed any answers from me. I knew that this was all at my own pace. I felt guilty by not speaking to her, but she quickly adapted the session so that I could reply in a non verbal format to her. Our session was soon over. I left as my dad came into the lounge. I knew that he would want to speak to Janet to find out if my behavior was 'normal'. I retreated to my room and heard some commotion as my mom arrived back home. She sounded almost hysterical, and on hearing her I buried my head under the pillow to block out the sounds. I could hear the muffled sounds of conversation as they drifted upstairs through the otherwise silent house. Curiosity got the better of me, and I stood at the top of the stairs. Still listening to the end of the conversation I heard them speaking about me as Janet was leaving.

Mom asked, "You're not going to suggest that we admit him to a clinic then?"

Janet replied, "I think that the best place for him right now is here, with you, his family around him. Being in familiar surroundings will give him some sense of normality in the midst of the confusion in his head. Just keep doing what you are doing, and remember I am only a phone call away if you need me. Now I really must be going; I don't mean to be rude, but I have a dinner reservation."

I knew that there was nothing else I wanted to hear. I heard her leave as her car pulled away from the house. My mom broke down the minute my dad returned. "I thought that he was going to be taken away from me and I just couldn't bear that."

I retreated to my room, closing the door behind me. At least Janet was on my side and she had provided some reassurance to my mom that I would be okay. It was so good to hear that for myself. Mom came upstairs and let herself into my room. I remained still on the bed, arms folded behind my head, so she left. I heard my dad calling for take-out, and I went downstairs when it arrived. I was starving. Mom came into the kitchen and put her hands and me, giving me a kiss, which I ignored. I saw her and dad exchanging glances as they ate. Then they started to talk, and I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

"How was Bella when you dropped her home? Is she-" He never got to finish his question as could not bear to hear her name being mentioned. What had been going on? Why was my mom seeing Bella? I wanted to ask her, to find out if she was okay, but my stupid pride would not allow me to even though every fiber of my being and soul was crying out to know if she was okay. In frustration, I threw my cutlery onto the plate before I pushed it away and fled the room. I paused for breath as I leaned my back flat against the wall in the hallway. Then I heard them speaking, so I listened

I assumed that mom wanted to follow me and was stopped by my dad as I heard him say. "Esme, leave him, please? So how was Bella? You were there a long time. Do I take it that you got a chance to talk?"

Mom paused before she responded, I could hear the strain in her voice. "She's okay, and yes we did talk. She… he… Bella told me everything that happened between them, from the first time she saw him right up to him through to him being in the hospital and his reaction to her then." I heard them moving away from the table and I went into the utility room while they passed me by and went to the lounge. I waited until they were settled before I listened at the door. Mom's voice was clear, "Oh Carlisle, she was heartbroken, totally devastated by what happened. She knows that she did the wrong thing at the dance, and she only wanted to make it right. He blamed her for it all. But now, well, now we know that Tanya and more importantly James were to blame for this. I was horrified to find out what had been going on under our noses. I feel like-"

"You are not to blame for this. None of us noticed what was happening. Edward chose not to tell us about him and Tanya, or Bella. There is nothing that we can do about it now. We now have to deal with the aftermath, and try to fix our son. Together." I smiled at my dad's confidence.

"I know Carlisle, it's just that I love him so much and I cannot bear to see him hurting like this, even for a second. I wish I could go back in time and make it all okay. When I think about how I treated him when Bella came around the day after her accident, when he first brought her here. I should've known better, my son, my baby, and I pushed his feelings aside like they were nothing, worthless. Oh Carlisle. It's my fault. This is all my fault, I should've known, I-"

Whatever she wanted to say next was interrupted by dad's cell phone ringing. He answered it and didn't see me as he left the lounge to speak to whomever was on the other end of the call. I knew that I had to go to my mom. She was crying, so distraught, hands covering her face. This once again was my fault, I needed to make things right. Sitting at the side of her she never turned to me, she obviously thought that it was my dad as she spoke. "What do I do now? This is my fault and I just can't reach him." Slowly I pulled her hands away from her face and she met my concerned face.

Finally, for the first time in days I let my voice be heard, "Mom, I'm sorry. It's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself." Tears filled his eyes as he continued. "I'm sorry I put you through this, that I lied to you, please can you forgive me?"

She smiled at me like only a mom could, and instantly pulled me into her arms, "You have nothing to be sorry for; I should be apologizing to you."

I stayed in her arms and cried until there was nothing left inside of me. There were no words, no questions, nothing. The seemingly insurmountable emotional wall that I had built around myself had finally been torn down. Once I could not cry any more I moved my head to my mom's lap just like I used to do when I was a child. It felt so comforting and familiar to me as she stroked my hair. I felt my body relax, and more importantly safe here in her arms...in this home, my home.

My family didn't hate me. They loved me and wanted to us to see through this mess as a family and I felt that together we could get through anything at this point. It felt good to know that I had them around me. I sure felt like I was going to need them if I was to make sense of the mess that things had become. I would need all of them around me, supporting me. I just needed to hope that Bella would speak to me. Thoughts of her were foremost in my mind as mom's touch soothed me into the first proper dreamless sleep that I had enjoyed in days.

Authors Note:

Important – IF my stories ever disappear from here then please head over the The Writers Coffee Shop as I post on there too. Pen name is the same Loopylou992.

As always this is beta'd by Cosmom who does a brilliant job. Thanks to everyone who continues to read and review, I am so glad that you all liked hearing from Esme, but we are firmly back with Edward now and staying there for a while.

Sorry that this update is late – things have not been great and I took a small break from things, but I am back! If anyone is on Facebook and wants to join my group dedicated to my fics, look up Fraggle Rock Fics and I will approve you.

Please do leave me your thoughts below.