Authors note: Sorry about that whole not updating thing...I've been busy with final exams and all that jazz. But alas, look here I have finally arrived and with a new chapter no less. So before I begin to ramble please read, review and enjoy.

Just the beginning

Mello had never seen Matt look so fragile. Not even Matt when he first entered Wammy house as Mail Jeevas had looked this bad. Sure, the boy was bloodied and frightened but he had never completely shut down. Little Mail lost himself in video games and forgot that there was a world around him constantly working. This person wouldn't even look at the game and lost himself, instead, in his mind for hours on end.

It was only now that Mello regretted everything. What he should have done was take care of Matt, but not because Matt wanted to be his lover but because Matt was his only and oldest friend. In a sick and twisted way Mello felt responsible for this. Matt had reached out and Mello had been too near-sighted to see. M had reached out too at the prospect of helping Matt but Mello still didn't grasp it. Now M was a wreak and Matt was even worse.

The only remotely good thing about this was that Near had locked himself up in his old bedroom. Roger had made the comment that Near would be okay in time and Mello didn't give a damn. If he ever saw the little roach again there wouldn't be just a choice few words.

"How is he today, Mello?" Roger leaned forward from behind his chair watching Matt stare awkwardly at his hands. He didn't speak much and even when Mello made jokes he wouldn't laugh. It seemed like the old Matt was gone but just like Near Roger said to give him time to work everything out on his own. What worried Mello was that Matt had had years to work things out and never wanted to and now that it was thrust upon him he didn't believe that it would work out for the better.

Narrow shoulders shrugged lightly, "The same he's been for the last week." He replied fingering the chocolate bar in his hand. He didn't feel right indulging when Matt wouldn't play his video games and smoke his cigarettes. Actually, the red head had stopped cold turkey. Mello had brought him a pack only to come back and find it ripped to tatters and thrown away.

Roger nodded, "Has Anne looked at him?" He asked lightly almost in passing.

Mello frowned, "No? Why would Anne need to look at him?" He asked settling in the chair beside Matt. The red head didn't stir but he hadn't expected him to.

The older man paused momentarily before picking a pencil up and writing something lightly just a ways away that Mello couldn't see. "No reason." The man added quickly but Mello was already suspicious. "Matt, it would better if you decided to talk to us." He tried to force a smile but whose benefit it was for the blond wasn't too sure. In some sort of weird way Roger was the only parent like figure that any of them had really known but Mello had grown to hate the man after years of 'therapy.' He tried again in a soothing voice, "Matt, Mello would like it if you actually talked to him."

Matt glanced up for a few seconds, "I don't have anything to talk about." He replied seriously moving to stand before he was stopped by Mello.

He glared, "You haven't said two words to me in a week that that's the first thing that comes out of your mouth?" He hissed holding the other. "Now I understand that you have some serious shit to move through but I'm not just going to sit here and hear you brush me off." Ice blue eyes narrowed into slits. "Now let's try this again what do you have to say Matt?"

The red head stared at him for several seconds before angrily shaking the blond's arm off. "How about you go fuck yourself Mello?" His voice was leveled but his eyes told a different story. There was no Matt behind those green orbs that looked clouded over and dark. "I don't owe you shit so stop pretending like you give a damn now." Mello was speechless as he watched the red head storm from the room and slammed the door behind himself.

Mello blinked, debated going after him but didn't. "Mello," Roger began, "This is normal. Let him be angry. Actually, I think it would be better if we separated the two of you for a while. It's only because currently you're the closest thing to Matt and you will become the face of his anger. He'll try his best to push you away." Roger's voice drifted off as he watched the blond.

"Is that all?" He questioned moving to stand. "Trust me I've done worse to Matt. I deserve him being angry at me, yelling, everything." He sighed, "I'll take care of him."

xXx

"So why are you here?" The young boy sitting across from Mello whispered conspiratorially. As much as he wanted to eat dinner alone he wasn't allowed to so he ended up sitting surrounded by new generation Wammy house kids. He irked him more than he could imagine. All these kids that had so much potential and were being trained to be the new L. He shook his head glancing at the young blond boy. "I heard that your friend is mad. Is he?"

Mello frowned, "Where did you hear that?" He asked twisting the fork in his hand. He observed the room grow quiet as the other students began listening to the conversation. "He's not crazy."

The boy shrugged, "I saw him outside mumbling to himself earlier before Anne made us all go back to our rooms. If he's not crazy what's wrong with him?"

Mello thought about it for a few minutes, "He's going through a difficult time right now." He decided that was a proper answer for a child. Unfortunately it wasn't an adequate answer to a Wammy house child.

"Difficult? We've all lost our families in traumatic instances and then we get stuck here. What could have traumatized him so much that he decided to come back to this place?"

"Life." Mello mumbled to himself.

The boy frowned, "That's not very sufficient."

Mello glared, "Deal with it." He replied moving to stand before the swinging doors opened and Matt wondered in. The room froze as he braced his shoulders and moved towards where Anne had a plate already set out for him just in case. Blue eyes followed the red head and he slowed almost like he was going to say something but turned his head away at the last moment picking up the plate and taking a seat.

Anne sighed lightly giving Matt a gentle graze of the head but the red head flinched away and she removed her hand. Slowly her eyes shifted to Mello who seemed to be trying not to look at his best friend. She wasn't sure what had transpired between Matt, Mello and Near but she knew that she didn't like it. Mello and Near never got along but Matt and Mello were inseparable. During their time here it was unheard of that they didn't show up to meals together and even more so if they decided not to sit together. She just hoped that everything would clear itself up soon enough.

~*xXx*~

Matt bristled at the sound of the door opening behind him. Mello was coming out of the shower and despite his mental state he wanted to look at him. He wanted nothing more than to lie under the blond and let him coddle him all day and night until he felt better. That's what Mello always did, made him feel better. Now he wasn't sure if it was him that would feel better. He had gone through so much recently and so many of his secrets had been found out. It was no wonder he didn't think he could go back to living with Mello at the flat.

"There's still hot water." Mello said gentle toweling his hair dry in the center of the room. Now Matt did look at him watching the slow deliberate movements. The anger bubbled deeply inside his gut thrashing to get out a second time but this time they were alone. Mello wouldn't dare lose it and strike him in front of Roger but he would certainly come after him if they were alone in the room together. The blond seemed calm enough but that was just a facade. He could tell that the other was ready to spring at a moment's notice. "If you want to take a shower there's still hot water."

Matt's eyes drifted around the room before eying the door but he didn't make a move to leave. He wasn't sure anymore what he should do or how he should feel. Somewhere deep told him that Mello could be blamed. It wasn't difficult to blame someone but all Matt had been able to come up with alone was that it was his entire fault. A part of him had murdered his parents. The mother and father that loved him were taken away from him by him. He winced at the thought and noticed Mello's eyes narrow as if he were trying to read his mind. He couldn't. There was nothing going on in Mello's mind aside from his own voice. There was no M to take him in the right direction. There were no flashbacks to take him to a different time. There was just him.

"I took a shower this morning." He responded turning his gaze back to his feet.

Mello sighed, "If there's something you want to say to me Matt then say it." His voice was strained and weak. "I know there's something eating at you. Roger doesn't understand you like I do. Sure, you may pawn your anger off on me but it doesn't change the fact that whatever is actually hurting you…you'll try to keep it locked inside. Scream at me. Yell, punch, hit but please don't stay quiet."

Minutes passed as the red head seemingly wandered back off into his head. "You had no business." He whispered gently. "You shouldn't have begun to pry Mello. Everything fell apart once you started over analyzing things."

The blond agreed with that much, "but now I'm here trying to help you and I can't do that if you block me out."

Matt chuckled gently, "If I block you out I'll ruin, what did you call, it? Us, I'll ruin us." He still seemed sullen slightly. "It's going to be a long road Mello."

The blond nodded, "I know but I promise you that I won't leave your side for it."

Matt smiled for the first time in a long time, "I know."