A/N: I'm not very happy with this chapter but I figured I'd share it anyways since I have nothing else for it.
`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`
Forever is infinite, it's been going on for millions of years and sometimes, some promises of forever ring true.
Sometimes, life is a fairytale.
And other times it's not.
Other times, life is a reality where forever doesn't exist, where broken hearts are the real deal and lasting until you're twenty with the same girlfriend since eighteen is the epitome of faithfulness.
Other times, forever isn't really infinite, other times, forever is a couple of months.
My forever lasted five years, three hundred and sixty four days, give or take a few hours.
I don't remember much, because I'm told that we often forget the things that brought us pain, bury it into the corner of our minds where we might never remember it again, and I'm thinking that's true because I don't remember a lot from that year.
I remember crying for weeks afterwards at the mere mention of his name, to that, I silently forbid anyone I hung out with to talk about him.
I remember seeing him everywhere in my apartment, just replayed memories, when I walked past the couch I'd see him sitting there, looking up at me with that small smile of his, arms outstretched as if I would jump into his embrace, I got a new apartment and sold all of my old furniture to furnish it.
I couldn't throw away the things he gave me, I kept them under my new bed and, over time, I forgot about it, about him, and about us.
I use that term very loosely, like how you "forgot" to clean the dishes that one time, or how you "forgot" the hangout with that one person you hated.
But, there is one conversation I remember from that year, it's very clear in my mind. It's the type of conversation that follows you to your grave.
"You've only moved on if you can look him in the eyes and still tell yourself that he's not what you want," my therapist said in our last session, three months prior to That Day, three months until it had been a year since he had broken up with me, three months until our seventh anniversary.
"I can," I told her, genuinely believing I could. "And I will, if I see him again."
My therapist—Shizune was her name—said with a shake of her head, "It's too soon to be making decisions like that, Hikari."
"If I need you, I'll know where to find you again," I said, firm and confident. "Thank you for everything that you've done for me, but, like you said, it's time for me to go on my own."
"Too soon," was all I heard before the door shut behind me.
I remember telling Itachi and Shisui—they had both become my closest friends—about it, I remember the celebration which was three tubs of ice cream, brownies and a marathon of horror movies that left us sleepless—Itachi excluded, I distinctly remember this because he slept like a log while Shisui and I jumped at every sound that was made and Itachi still makes fun of us because when me or Shisui went to the bathroom, the other would have to be standing outside and we promised we wouldn't tell anyone but somehow Itachi found out and we're probably going to spend the rest of our lives with Itachi constantly teasing us.
I don't remember much from the three months that followed except I got in touch with my old friends, Ino, Sakura, TenTen and Hinata, we hung out as often as we could but Sakura often bailed out because she worked at the hospital, or that's just what she said, the others didn't really talk about it and I believed Sakura so I didn't really think I had any reason to ask, besides, if she didn't want to hang out with us, then who was I to go sniffing around into business that wasn't my own?
But then, it happened and I remember some of it like it happened a few minutes ago, how could I forget something like that?
It started off like any ordinary day, I got out of bed at seven in the morning to take my morning jog, I got back an hour later, took my shower, ate breakfast and lounged around because I had nothing to do and there was no work to be done because it was a Saturday and my schedule was completely empty because Itachi bailed out on me 'cause work was getting hard for him and Shisui didn't come because he had to go visit his grandma with his mom and dad and would be returning from the trip later that evening, I then got a phone call at around 12:30—the peak of my boredom.
So, obviously, I answered it.
"Are you free right now?" was the first thing Sakura asked me, I was surprised that she was awake on a Saturday or any free day that she had, she usually slept in because of her night shifts at the hospital that she said she'd been taking on lately.
"Yeah," I answered boredly, examining my nails. "Why?"
"Well, I-uhm, I'm having a luncheon, you up for it?"
"Right now?"
"Ari, it's 12, so yes, now."
"What the hell, Sakura," I muttered under my breath. "Why didn't you tell me this yesterday or something?"
"I'm not exactly good with the planning stuff," she said sheepishly. "Don't judge me."
"Well, I'll see you at your house...?"
"Yep! Cya!" and the line went dead.
I wanted to call her back and ask who was going to be there but I trusted her not to drag me into a snake pit.
So, I got there maybe fifteen minutes later, I was late, of course, but I knew no one would care.
"Ari, we were waiting for you!" a woman I hadn't seen in nearly a year hugged me tightly. "It's been so long, darling!"
I should have known something was wrong.
"Hi, Mikoto," I answered, confused as I hugged her back, she pulled back to get a good look at me, smiling that dazzling smile of hers that I always secretly wished I would be able to get when I, too, turned forty. "How are you?"
"I'm doing great, honey, what about you?" she asked me as she dragged me to her table...with Fugaku...and Itachi...and Shisui, the latter two weren't supposed to be there, all three of them looked unhappy but I knew Fugaku always looked like that.
"Fine," I let out. "Just fine."
I was sat in between Itachi and Shisui and honestly I didn't mind it one bit.
"What are you guys doing here?" I asked them. "Aren't you supposed to be visiting your grandma?"
"Oh, no," he shook his head as if I were stupid. "It was put off, Sakura invited us all yesterday, so."
"Why, when did she invite you?" Itachi asked me.
"This morning," I leaned back into my seat. "Actually, twenty minutes ago she called me."
"Really? Naruto mentioned that he got invited the day before yesterday, hmm, maybe she forgot?" Shisui wondered aloud.
I shrugged, "It's anyone's guess at this point."
Sakura stood up, smiling brightly, "Now that everyone is here," she began after two people I have never before seen in my entire life walked into the room, I suspected they were her coworkers. "We have a wonderful announcement to make!"
"Who's we?" I heard Shisui mutter under his breath, sparing me a glance as if I would know, I shook my head.
"I only figured out this was happening twenty minutes ago."
But then, he stood up and I didn't really think or even consider the idea that he would be here.
He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her just a little bit closer to him.
His next words, I didn't hear.
Just, 'dating' and 'for six months' which both came not very close to each other but I understood.
I remember repeating to myself the silent mantra as I managed to smile and clap.
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
I saw his face, that small smile that would have been directed to me, had the events of one year ago not occurred, I heard his laugh, and saw the way he looked at her, I saw the way he held her close, I saw the way they looked at each other and then, I saw Hikari and Sasuke.
I saw the way he held her, the way that he looked at her when he thought she wouldn't notice, I saw the laugh that he gave when she cracked a stupid joke just to break the ice, I saw the kiss that was pressed to her temple and the way she smiled while talking to someone else, I saw the way they talked to each other and I remembered, suddenly, Naruto's voice, remarking the way they looked when they did.
"You guys look like you're talking shit about someone."
I saw her laugh, I saw him smile, I saw a future filled with so, so much promise.
But then, I remembered.
"I'm breaking up with you, Hikari."
I saw that future shatter like glass.
I saw myself, with tear stained cheeks, trying to contain my own sobbing as I mourned the loss of a person who was still alive.
And then, all at once, I felt it.
I felt heartache, betrayal, rage, sadness, resignation, longing and horror.
But somehow, in the midst of this dark, dark abyss, I heard the resounding cheers of the people around me as I willed myself not to cry because he was happy and she was happy and I wasn't supposed to care.
I wasn't supposed to care.
But I did care.
I cared enough to try my hardest not to let myself cry, I tried so hard so I could keep smiling and be happy for them if not for myself, I excused myself once the cheering died down so it wouldn't look like I had a problem with them, I kept up my smile until I was on the balcony upstairs where I knew no one would find me.
I tried so hard to keep smiling, to convince myself that he didn't matter anymore, but I knew he did, I knew he mattered.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I pressed my hand to my mouth, trying to quiet down my sobbing as I choked on my own tears.
Sasuke and Sakura.
It tasted bitter on my own mouth and I wanted to throw up at the image of them together.
Don't be so pathetic, I remember telling myself, he's not yours anymore.
But he was, one day, what felt like years before, he was mine, one day he looked at me and he didn't want to leave.
"I'm serious," he said to me after a fight. "If my life before you is any indication to how life without you is, then I don't want it."
Oh, Sasuke, tell me, when did you wake up and start wanting that life before me?
"What are you doing up here?" Naruto asked, collapsing onto the chair behind me.
I shrugged, wiping away my tears, "Just thinking."
"Thinking is bad," he said to me. "Thinking makes you realize just how fucked up everything really is."
I chuckled dryly, "In this stage of life, you don't need thinking to realize that."
"It's been a year," he sighed. "And I know there's no set date to getting over anything but, don't you think it's about time you at least tried?"
"What makes you think I'm not trying?" I asked bitterly. "Nobody wants to feel like this."
"Ari," I could almost see him rolling his eyes. "If I know you at all you probably didn't throw away anything he gave you, and you probably moved out of your apartment just so you wouldn't see him and you also probably "forgot" about him."
I crossed my arms, huffing like a little child but I felt ashamed that I was so easy to predict.
"Yup, that's exactly what you did," he chuckled. "Ari, it's not moving on unless you can see him there in your apartment and still walk past him like he doesn't matter, it's only moving on when you can dump the stuff he gave you into the trashcan and not think twice about it because it's over and you're not supposed to care anymore."
"I'm not supposed to care," I said, wiping away even more tears and that thick voice of mine sold me out. "But I do."
Naruto came to sit beside me, wrapping an arm over my shoulder and I'll admit it.
I cried.
I cried really hard because it finally smacked me upside the head with a sledgehammer.
I didn't move on.
I thought I did, but I didn't.
It's easy to think you did when you can't see him anywhere, it's easy to think you can look him in the eyes and say, "I don't want you anymore," when he isn't there.
But Sasuke was there and the second I saw him those words flew out the window and all I wanted to do was hug him and laugh it off like everything that happened this year was a big fat joke, but we're not together anymore and I can't talk to him.
"Sasuke is an asshole," I mumbled through my tears. "He's such a big fucking asshole for doing this to me."
"I know, I know," Naruto rubbed my back. "He sucks, doesn't he?"
"He does," I agreed and I felt satisfied with cussing him out behind his back.
I liked doing it.
He deserved it anyways and that rid me of any guilt I may have had.
Six years.
It made my blood boil, just thinking about it.
I wasted two thousand, one hundred and ninety days on that fuckfaced asshole.
I was fifteen when he first asked me out and I was twenty-one when he left me.
I wasted so much on him, I wasted my time, my money, my tears, my joy, my youth and, what angered me the most of all, I gave him my heart.
And he dropped it.
Just like I always secretly wished he wouldn't, just like he promised he never would.
It made me want to punch something—preferably his face.
I trusted him.
But it wasn't enough.
"I was wondering when I'd see you again," Shizune said, raising her brows in a way that said 'I told you so.' "What happened this time?"
"Well," I began, folding my hands and looking up at her. "My ex-boyfriend is dating my best friend. For six months. Behind my back."
"And what do you think about this?"
"I'm not happy with it," I said as if we were talking about the news. "Like seriously, my best friend? Did he really have to go there?"
"Which best friend is this?"
"Sakura."
"Oh," she nodded. "But she did always like him, didn't she?"
"But he didn't like her for as long as I knew him, he couldn't stand her," I said bitterly. "I don't know what changed."
"They grew up, maybe?"
"Grew up in six months? Even towards the very end, he didn't like her."
"Times change, and people do too."
"Oh, don't remind me," I sighed.
"If my life before you is any indication to how life without you is, then I don't want it."
"I know that people can change."
