This is my first solo Casualty fic and I wrote it on the school bus so probably isn't very good. I wished I owned casualty but I don't, the BBC does. Hope you like it and please review
Zoe p.o.v
I never told him. I know I should have but I was scared, every relationship I have ever had has gone wrong and someone gets hurt, and it's always me who hurts them.
First of all Sean, the affair that almost cost Maggie her career after I was blackmailed to get me to lie and say the death of a patient was her fault even though I knew it wasn't, it almost cost me my job too, but I hurt one of my closest friends. Little did I know but I was having my affair with Jessica's husband and I hurt her because of it. It took time but eventually we had something near the way our relationship used to be, that is before I went and wrecked it.
Next one Nick, for the first time, the one that stared when he knew he was dying, but I didn't. We were so similar yet so different but it worked, at least for a time. Then I saw him collapse and have a fit, it turned out he had a brain tumour and never said a thing about it. And then I found Adam's list. The list with multiple entries for sex, I should have known it was too good to be true, yet I didn't and I was just a way of ticking boxes on his list of things to do before he dies. When he knew it was close to the end he left and tried to cut contact with everyone, including me. In the end I had to forge his signature to save his life without him knowing or wanting me to. I wasn't ready to let go, not yet.
While Nick was recovering and still hated me, Matt started his pursuit of me, starting with a Valentine's Day card that he signed. After a while I decided to 'bite the bullet' so to speak and I entered yet another relationship hoping it would end better than my previous relationships. I was wrong. Eventually he asked me to marry him, but I couldn't, it just didn't feel right for me. That afternoon was spent in a hotel room with Nick doing thing you shouldn't when you are nearly engaged. I had to tell Matt, I would hate myself if I didn't and he left, I managed to hurt someone else that was close to me. I never saw him again.
Then I got closer to Nick again- we were closer than ever before but deep down I had a feeling something bad would happen. He told me he wanted a child, after all he only had 5 years to live, but I knew I couldn't have one. Instead of telling him the truth I started on fertility drugs. He saw the side effects and thought I was pregnant, I did a test to please him but I knew inside that it would be negative and I was right. When I went to tell him he took it the wrong way and thought I was pregnant. A major part of my life turned into a lie. And then he proposed. Soon later I collapsed and Kirsty found out about the drugs but promised me she wouldn't' tell. On the night of the JAFA's he had organised me a scan and I went, believing at this point I was pregnant but it showed nothing. I had to tell him and break his heart again. I broke him and he never really forgave me for it but at least we remained friends this time round. We never mentioned the past though, not until he had the opportunity to use it against me. Both of us were broken but life had to carry on somehow.
And now there is Max. It all started with a bit of flirting and sharing cigarettes on our breaks. Until eventually I spent the day with him being a porter, and I loved it. No one else would be able to get me to do it but somehow he did. On that day one patient thought we were a couple too, it was an idea I hadn't thought of before but I realised I quite liked it. He bought me flowers when I was stressed and they were beautiful. They showed me he cared about me and I wanted to be with him even more after that. When I told him I know they were from him we kissed and it went on from there, nearly being caught by his sister. Twice. The helicopter crash made me rethink my life, I realised that I needed to enjoy my life while I could still could, and Max was a part of that, at least at the start. Then I turned 40 and realised the mess my life really was. I did the only thing I could think of and left the place where so many of the bad aspects of my life had happened but some of the best too. I broke his heart too, leaving as he said he loved me.
After a few moths Connie hit a low and asked me to come back, so I did. I wanted to be able to start a new life in Holby, become a new me, and I never thought that it would involve Max, but earlier I realised I wanted it to. Today he followed me home and I knew something would come from it, I was about to kiss him, to go back to my old days with him but Dylan came out and ruined the moment causing max to walk off. It took time for me to realise it but I need him in my life for me to be happy with it. I need to go and mend a broken heart.