I am so so so sorry for the delay! But I had been so caught up with college and the bunch of essays I had to finish!But I am done, for now anyway, and Christmas is around the corner sooo...! :)

Well, this chapter is not so happy, or Christmasy, it is set after PTSD so.. but I really needed to get it out of my system!

Disclaimer: Not mine, but in 7 days... who knows... :)

"Who's there?"

"El, it's Liv, buzz me in. I've brought some lunch." Elliot waved the paper bag in front of the small camera of the intercom.

Things were quiet for some seconds and then Olivia, without another word, buzzed him into the building. Elliot sighed and made his way inside and towards the elevators. As he waited for one to come, his mind travelled to some days ago when he had just came back to the office from a conference on Boston and he hadn't found Olivia there. Cragen just told him that she had taken some personal time off. But Elliot couldn't shake off the feeling that something was wrong. Olivia would never take time off around Christmas, because, even though she never actually admitted herself, she didn't like the idea of being in an empty house alone, on holidays. So those days, when everyone was trying to get some days off, or even some hours, to spend with family, Olivia was always the last to leave the precinct.

So Elliot went to Fin, which was her temporary partner while he was away at Boston. " It was a bad case" was all that Fin offered and it made Elliot even more worried and restless because he could tell that the other man was holding something back. But he didn't push it further, because he knew, that even if Fin would finally reveal something, Olivia would be very angry if she found out that he went like that behind her back. But he was determined to find out what was going on.

And now as he got out of the elevator on Olivia's floor, and saw her standing on her door, looking exhausted, not only physically, but emotionally too, his worry grew even more. But he didn't let it show on his face as he approached her smiling.

"Hello stranger" he said but all Olivia offered back was a tired nod as she let him into the apartment.

"I brought some Chinese for us to share. And maybe we could watch a cheesy Christmas movie?" He tried again as he placed the bag on her kitchen counter.

Olivia, who by now was almost back to the spot she was obviously sitting on the couch before Elliot's arrival, given the tangled blanket there, turned her head and looked at him with a confused expression.

"Christmas?" she asked.

"Liv, it's Christmas Eve. What did you loose track of time? That's why you haven't decorated your home yet?" he asked, trying to sound teasing. But Olivia just shrugged and sat back on the couch, throwing the blanket on her.

" I didn't feel like decorating." She said flatly

Elliot did not comment on that, instead he started taking the containers with the Chinese off the paper back.

" Shall I just bring it over there?" he asked trying hard to sound casual, but his worry was eating him up on the inside.

"Yeah, ok." Came her faint answer, and so Elliot moved with the containers from the kitchen to the living room, along with two beers he had grabbed from her fridge.

She allowed a small smile as he offered her a container with her favorite noodles. They spent some time in silence, just eating the food and watching a Christmas movie on tv.

After a while, Elliot noticed that Olivia had drifted off and when he took a look at the containers and bottle in front of her, he noticed that she had barely touched her food but she had drank the whole bottle of her beer.

She let her continue her sleep, it seemed like she desperately needed some rest, but he really was going to make her talk to him when she was going to wake up.

It was almost killing him, that something serious had happened when he was away and he hadn't been there to protect her. And on top of that, nobody was telling him anything, even though they obviously knew something. Cragen, Fin, they knew what had happened and he, her partner had absolutely no clue.

Some more time passed, the movie had ended and Elliot had started flipping around the channels, when suddenly Olivia stirred from where she was sleeping curled, on the other side of the couch. Elliot turned to look at her, but she was still again. And then, she started tossing around the blanket, with a pained expression.

"No… get off me, please!" she mumbled in a terrified voice, Elliot had never heard her speak with.

He watched her with wide eyes, unsure of what to do, but it was then than Olivia let out a horrifying scream. In little less than a second, Elliot was on her side, shaking her as gently as he could, seeing that she hadn't stopped tossing around.

"Liv… Olivia, wake up" He said, trying not to scare her. Olivia whimpered and tried to get away from his loose grip.

"Please… get off me!" she said with a pleading voice that broke Elliot's heart and sent his worries to an even higher level.

"Liv, you have to wake up" He said steadier this time and shook her some more.

Olivia then shot her eyes open and let out a gasp. She still seemed terrified as she was sitting there panting hard. Elliot hadn't let go of her hand when she woke up and now she was having it on a death grip, even though she probably hadn't realized it.

"It's okay Liv, it's okay, it was just a dream" he said soothingly as she was still panting, her chest moving up and down fast.

"Take deep breaths, that's it…" he went on as her breathing started to calm down.

After taking some seconds to calm completely, she quickly extracted her hand from Elliot's and curled back on her side of the sofa.

"It's fine, it was just a dream." She said, her voice calm and collected but she was barely making eye contact with Elliot.

"Liv…" Elliot started

"It's fine El, I'm fine." She said more sternly this time.

"Like hell you are."

She shot her head up.

"Excuse me? Where does that come from?"

Elliot sighed.

"Liv, you've barely spoken two words to me since I came here, you took time off word without telling me anything, all Fins says is that it was a bad case but I'm not buying that. Liv, please tell me what's going on with you." He pleaded.

"Elliot, I am fine. Yes it was a bad case and I had plenty of time piled up so I figured it would be nice to actually spent Christmas outside of the precinct. And today I'm just kind of tired. Did that cover all of your questions?" She asked annoyed.

"Liv, what about the nightmare? Was it about the case?" he insisted.

She huffed looking pissed.

"El, cut it, it was just a nightmare okay?"

He hated that he had to press her like that, but he needed to know, he was so worried…

"Liv, you were tossing and turning and screaming…"

At this point Olivia rose from the couch and turned her back to him.

"… you were screaming 'get off me', Liv, why?" He said, his voice almost a whisper.

Olivia, who was moving even further away from the couch and Elliot, froze on the spot.

"Get out." She said calmly, with her back still turned.

"Liv…" Elliot said pleadingly again, sitting up from the couch too.

"Get. Out. I won't repeat it." She said with a terrifying calmness.

"Liv please…" he insisted, now almost behind her. He caught him completely off guard when she turned around and started pushing him violently.

"You son of a bitch, I said GET OUT!" She almost screamed.

Elliot started backing off towards the door startled, with Olivia still yelling and pushing him. He found the doorknob and opened the door. He stepped outside the apartment and Olivia immediately slammed the door in front of him.

He stayed there a few minutes staring at the door, trying to understand what had just happened, hoping that maybe Olivia would change her mind and open the door but nothing happened. So, defeated, he walked away.

Olivia let her body slid down the door. Silent tears started to run down her cheeks, which quickly turned into violent sobs.

Some hours and several glasses of vodka later, Olivia stumbled around the living room, picked her cell from the coffee table and after some failed attempts she dialed the correct number.

Elliot navigated through the channels but without really paying any attention on what was on. Sleep was not an option either, not at least for several more hours.

He suddenly turned the tv off and tossed the remote aside. He was so angry, but not with Olivia, with himself. He had gone there with every intention to comfort her, to try and help her and he only made things worse. He was feeling truly hurt that she wouldn't confide to him, and very very worried, thinking that whatever it was, it was bad enough for her not to want to even acknowledge it.

Just when he was completely lost in his thoughts and self-blame, his cellphone rang. He glanced at it, uninterested to talk to anyone for the rest of the night, when he saw Olivia's name flashing on the screen so he quickly picked it up.

"Liv?" he asked expectantly

"El?" came a muffled voice from the other side of the line

"Liv are you okay?"

Silence filled the line and then…

"Can you please come here?"

"Sure, sure I'll be there soon Liv" Elliot said, already having lift himself from the couch and proceeding on searching around for his coat.

Twenty minutes later, he was banging Olivia's door. He could tell from the way she spoke over the phone that she was drunk, how much he didn't now and also what stupid things she may consider doing during her drunken stupor.

"Way to spend Christmas Eve" he muttered, while he heard the sound of Olivia coming closer to the door, slowly, very slowly.

The door opened and he came face to face with her.

"El…" she started her voice trembling.

Elliot moved forward into the house slightly stunned. He had never seen Olivia like this, even the times she had been drunk. He took in her appearance. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, her hair messy and she was still shaking with silent sobs.

" Come here Liv" He guided her to the couch, where she sat down and curled to its corner.

"I think it's better if you sleep a bit, so as to sober up" he suggested when he saw her picking up again her glass and drinking.

"No…" came the breathless answer. "… I can't do this otherwise El… and I need to… I really need to…" she said, desperation filling her voice, a desperation that Elliot never had heard his partner talk with.

"Liv, what? What do you want to talk to me about? Whatever it is, you know I can take it…"

She remained silent for some moments, and then Elliot saw her lips moving, forming a word, the word Elliot knew deep inside was what made her that mess tonight, but he couldn't understand why, why now.

"Sealview" Olivia whispered.

Elliot moved carefully closer to her, so as not to invade her personal space.

"Liv… what happened there?" he asked softly, mentally preparing himself for the worst.

Olivia shook her head frantically.

"Liv…" Elliot said again with an encouraging tone.

"He… didn't…. he didn't rape me. He tried hard, I tried to escape but he chased me, I hid but he found me and then… he handcuffed me to the door and he said… "Bite me and your dead" but then… Fin came and…" she took a deep breath and wipe some of the tears that were running down her cheeks.

"He didn't rape me" she said again, her voice almost a whisper "But he came so close…"

As much Elliot had prepared himself and despite Olivia telling him that the unthinkable hadn't happened, that Fin got there on time, Elliot felt numb. And then… a sudden anger started boiling inside him, a sudden urge to go and rip Lowel Harris in half. But for Olivia's shake, who was now shaking again with silent sobs, he pulled himself together.

"Did you get help?" he asked gently

Olivia nodded and then let out a bitter laugh.

"Yes, but that's kind of what brought me here today…" Noticing Elliot's confused look, she took another ship of vodka, and let it slowly burn her insides before continuing.

"That case Fin and I got, when you were away, my rape crisis counselor got me into it, the victim was one of her patients. She was pregnant… with her rapists baby. And just when I was thinking that things were going better, I started having flashbacks again, I was feeling again out of control to the point…." She took another ship from her glass and went on.

"… To the point that when we went to pick up a suspect, and we caught him in the middle of a fight, I… I lost it and I put my gun to his head. I could have killed him El…. I could…." Her sobs weren't silent anymore, and she dropped the glass to the table beside her and buried her face on her lap crying.

Elliot then, still trying to overcome the shock of all the things he had just heard, reached closer and started rubbing her back. To his surprise, instead of backing away, she tangled her hands around his neck and buried her head on the crook of his neck and stayed there crying.

Not knowing what else to do, Elliot went on rubbing her back gently.

"It's okay Liv, it's going to get better you'll see…" he whispered soothingly.

Suddenly Olivia extracted her tear strained face from his neck.

"What if it won't get better. What if… I'll end up like her?" she whispered and even though she hadn't said her name, Elliot knew that Olivia was talking about her mother.

"Liv you are nothing like you mother…" he started saying

"You think? Look what happened to me! Look how I am dealing with this!" she almost yelled waving at the direction of the almost empty glass of vodka. With a sudden angry move, she raised herself from the couch and kicked the glass away with her hand, which ended up on the floor, crashing into pieces.

A wave of dizziness overcame her due to the sudden move and her drunken state and so she fell back to the couch.

"Liv… Liv please…" Elliot pleaded

"And you know what's the most ironic thing? That I need her. I need her to be here with me now. But she isn't… She can't be…. And so here I am, on Christmas Eve, sitting alone and drinking… If I can't bring her back, I might as well try and become her. Right?" she slurred her words.

"Olivia listen to me" Elliot said with a steady voice, reaching to hold her arms reassuringly.

"You are not your mother. You will get through this. You will. And I will be here right beside you in every way that I can."

He looked into her warm chocolate eyes that were red from all the crying.

" I want my mom El." She almost pleaded. "Where is my mom?" she asked with a trembling voice. "Mommy…" she said again, before passing out.

Elliot sighed and tried to hold back her own tears. It was heart-breaking seeing Olivia, his partner, his best friend, like this. But she needed him, she needed him now more than ever and he wasn't going to let her down.

He gently scooped her up into his arms and carried her on her bedroom where he laid her on the bed and covered her with a warm blanket. He stood there watching her sleeping form before turning his gaze outside the window, onto the lighted Manhattan. Snow had starting falling, covering everything. With another look at Olivia, he turned his back and went back on the couch where he opened the tv, in an attempt to let his mind forget a bit.

Some hours later, he opened his eyes, hearing movements. He turned and saw Olivia standing at the door of the living room, staring at him with a strange look in her eyes.

" I guess I didn't imagine everything, I woke up remembering." She said in a quiet voice.

Elliot sat up on the couch but before he was able to give her an answer, she moved and sat beside him.

" I told you everything, didn't I." It wasn't a question, just a statement.

"Yes, Liv but…" Elliot sat closer to her as she turned and looked at him with tired eyes.

"… But I'm glad you did. I am here for you, I want you to know that. You can say whatever you want, you can act however you like, I'm not judging. I want to help you get past this. And I know you will." He told her sincerely

She rubbed her eyebrow and offered a small smile.

"I'm glad I talked to you. I really am. I was drunk but I knew, kind of, what I was doing. Alcohol gave me the courage. But that's where it stops" She said and rose from the couch.

Elliot watched her as she picked up the empty bottle of vodka and then went on self in her kitchen where other bottles of liquor laid, opened a plastic bag and threw them inside.

"For good measure" She said with a confidence, Elliot hadn't heard her talking with, a long time now.

Suddenly she froze.

"It's Christmas" Olivia said as realization hit her. "Shouldn't you be with your kids, with your family?"

Elliot smiled and sat up from the couch too.

"I'll get to take them out for ice skating later this afternoon, and by the way you are very welcome to join us." He said as he stepped into the kitchen and closer to her.

"El, I really shouldn't, this is your time with your kids…"

"Which would be thrilled to see you. Olivia…" he said staring down at her eyes.

They stood almost inches apart, feeling each other's hot breath onto their neck. Blue met brown and in an intense moment, something happened and suddenly Elliot's lips came crushing to Olivia's and soon they were tangled into a hot passionate kiss.

They broke apart, both out of breath.

"I don't know what happened here, but it was good. Very good" Olivia said panting slightly, her cheeks red.

"Do you want a repeat performance?" Elliot mumbled seductively into her ear.

"Ohh yes please…" she mumbled and his lips came crushing into hers one more time.

When they broke apart again, Elliot scooped Olivia closer to him.

"I want you to know, that this isn't just a fling, this is…"

"…Real, I know. I feel it." She said and smiled.

He smiled too and hugged her tight.

"Merry Christmas Liv." He mumbled burying his face on her soft brown locks.

"It will be, Elliot. The best of my life" Olivia said and as the stood like that hugging each other tightly, she couldn't help but think, that she was getting there, everything will be okay after all.

I hope you like it :) Next up, something more cheerful! Olivia and Elliot are trapped on a cabin into the woods due to a blizzard on Christmas Eve, when something very unexpected happens! Something that gives them the chance to go down the memory lane... :)

Sooo do no forget to review and tell me what you think!

Untill next time xoxo Kate