A/N
I don't know why but the chapters I'm uploading doesn't show up when I check yet I receive e-mails on your reviews of them. But I love them reviews and all my reviewers so keep them coming. =)
Anyway, I'm trying to get this story moving along because I've got classes in 2 weeks and then I wouldn't be able to update as frequently.
They'll probably be even more angsty than this because of all the stress. I hate classes.

"Here." Chairman put a cup of coffee in front of me and sat across me. I looked up and smiled faintly. He smiled back, of course I didn't expect him to be smiling at me with the same wide, slightly mad grin as Zero would say, like he used to. But he had this sincere smile, as if he had forgiven me for everything I've done, everything I've put Zero through. I mustered the courage to ask him the one question I wasn't sure I was prepared to know the answer to.

"How has he been?"

Chairman continued to look at me. "Do you want the essential information, or every little bit?" That was a good question. I remember Zero asking me a question similar to that but with less refined words. I had asked him how his day was as he brushed vampire dust off him. "Do you want to know the bullshit or the short story?" I would opt for the bullshit because I wanted to know every detail of him life, no matter how mundane or ridiculous. That part of me hadn't changed. "Everything." Every single excruciating bit, no matter how terrible.

The first month, I remember staring at the white ceiling for hours on end. My entire body numb, either from the painkillers or from the pain itself. I don't remember thinking of anything, I don't remember feeling anything, I don't remember a thing. All I knew was that, my body had suffered immensely from the torture Rido had inflicted on me but that wasn't the problem. The problem was the torture Yuki had inflicted on me. The torture that had left me broken into a million pieces, shattered worse than a glass mirror flung from the 50th floor. And because my heart had been smashed, I couldn't feel. And that was a relief that only lasted at first.

The second month, I remember going through physical therapy. I remembered being okay enough to throw another hunter against the wall and put him in the hospital ward for a week, demonstrating exactly why I was more than competent to go hunting vampires that very day. That very night, I had exhausted my entire list and forced Association President to give me a new one. My heart had begin to piece together again, just several pieces out of the countless pieces, but enough to cause me a pain I had never known before. So I did the only thing that could distract me, I killed.

The third month, I remember being nicknamed Genrouin. What that means exactly escapes me but it basically means that I would do anything to kill a vampire. When my list was done and Association President refused to give me another, I would wait in his office, because trouble eventually comes. I became the association's number one hunter. I became somewhat a demon to vampires. I wish I could be one, because demons don't have hearts to be smashed, do they? They can't love, so they can't hurt.

The fourth month, I remember being forced to go on holiday. If Yuki were here, I would have relished it because I would have more time to spend with her as she always complains that I work too hard. But she wasn't here, so I dreaded every single day because I had more time to dwell on her, to dwell on the past that seemed so unreal. What was and still is very real is the pain it caused and its chain effect. My chest would ache, giving me a migraine, causing me to lie down and have even more time to think. Stupid heart of mine.

The fifth month, I remembered chasing a vampire group of 20. I was supposed to wait for backup, but some reckless part of my mind said, "Go. Go or your time spent waiting would be spent thinking of her. Go, take down as many as you can so that there wouldn't be so many losses on our side. Our guys have families, girlfriends, parents, children. You don't have any of that. The world can afford to lose you. Yuki wouldn't shed a tear for you. Go." And I ran in, because I'd rather death than let my mind join forces with my heart to torture me some more.

Half of the sixth month I spent in the hospital thanks to the reckless move I made in the last month which further solidified my status as Genrouin. The other half I was made to go on leave again pending the association's investigation on my 'inconsiderate behaviour that could have jeopardized everyone else'. Yeah right. They would be glad to see their families again and I would have a hero's burial for it. A funeral that Yuki wouldn't come to.

I was on leave on the seventh month too. So what Chairman and Yagari did to prevent me from further bar brawls and alley fights was to buy me a sports car and Kaito played the part of bringing me out to pick up girls. I ended up challenging a guy who had similar hair to Kaname to a race with my red, shiny sports car but Kaito stepped in and stopped us. Who the hell has that kind of hairstyle anyway?

The eighth month was the worst. It would have been the 2nd anniversary of our first meeting, the meeting where I had stormed into the place she was working and gave her the first impression that I was the biggest asshole ever. But then again, she had probably known about me long before then. I was working harder than ever, trying to keep it all at bay. Especially that day, April 30th. I had woken up and taken pills to stay awake, painkillers the entire day and sleeping pills when I returned; I've started popping pills like sweets for several months now, trying to numb the pain. Yet, at the end of the day when I returned home, I was wide awake. I found myself wanting to die. By that time, the realization had sunk in fully, the full force of the pain pounding me to death, suffocating me as I barely kept afloat in the sea of memories that threatened to drown me. I found myself aiming the Bloody Rose to my head, wondering if she would cry if I died, whether she would even know, whether she would just continue playing house with Kaname. What was I compared to Kaname? He could give her a palace, all I could give her was this shoddy apartment.

Yet as I was ready to pull the trigger, I sort of felt as if she was holding me from behind, screaming at me not to be a coward, not letting me die, just like she had back then. How could you be so cruel to me to let me live this way? But I had always succumbed to her, from arguments over whether to watch a thriller or some mindless chick-flick to arguments over whose cooking was better, I had always let her have her way. But to what level was I sinking to, to succumb to the mere memory of her?

The other months seemed like such a blur, a painfully long one at that. I lived my life as if everything was fine. But every night I came home and cuffed myself to the bedpost partially because I was scared that the thirst would get strong enough for me to lose control and run down to the streets and feed on the first available person. But mostly because I was scared I would reach out to touch her in my dreams and she would drift away. She's left me already. At least let her remain in my dreams. Even if it's not real, let me have that one moment of bliss.

Chairman recounted everything to me and I tried holding back the tears until I couldn't anymore. Once he was done, he remained silent for a while, letting me collect my thoughts and wipe my tears. His cry I heard when I had closed his door earlier echoed in my mind with astonishing clarity, getting louder and louder in my head. Chairman came over to my side, putting his arms around me.

"Thank you."
"Why? Wouldn't it be better if I told you he was fine and moving on?"
"No, I want to know everything."
He paused for a moment. "Do you really want to know everything?"

What? There was more? Did Zero continue his death wish by flinging himself off a cliff but survived? Or did he overdose on pills so that he could die almost painlessly? Could I handle it if I knew? I didn't know. So I shook my head.

"Maybe another day then."
I nodded, got up, thanked him and left, my entire body as heavy as lead. My eyes out of focus because of the tears in them. My head aching from Chairman's recount of Zero's past months. I felt my body hit the floor and I knew I was fainting. In a way, I was relieved, because now I didn't have to think or feel anymore.

Tell me if it's okay, alright?