CHAPTER 4.

Ray hadn't intended to give Carmen a bath, but changing her hadn't quite gone to plan – babies wriggled much more than he'd anticipated - and Ray had quickly realised that even a whole packet of baby wipes wasn't going to be as effective as a bath.

Carmen splashed him again.

"Enough already!" Ray didn't really mind getting splashed and he flashed her a grin as she continued to flail her arms about. He'd already suspected he might get wet anyway and removed his t-shirt before he'd started.

Then Ray started to have doubts about the whole idea. He was supporting the baby's head and she seemed to be enjoying kicking her legs in the water, but what if he'd screwed up somehow…

Maybe I put too much water in? What if it's too hot…or too cold? Maybe I shouldn't have put her in the bathtub at all…

"OK I think you're clean enough now," he said. Then he realised he hadn't thought to find a clean towel for her. "Er, er…OK, I guess I'll just…" he sighed. He had no choice but to lift Carmen out of the water still dripping wet. He held her close to his bare chest and wrapped his arms around her. "Don't want ya getting' cold," he said. "Now where the hell does The Stella keep towels…" he pondered, looking around the unfamiliar bathroom.

Then he spotted a small framed picture hanging on the wall. It was a watercolour of a lighthouse standing tall on an outcrop of rock as waves splashed and foamed around it.

"She kept that…" Ray half whispered. He carried Carmen over to show her the picture. "Stella loves lighthouses," he explained. "Well, she did…I guess she still does. Er, I bought that for her when we were in, er…jeez I can't remember where we were."

Ray sighed. He was starting to forget the details. He wanted to remember everything about his life with Stella, he didn't want to forget anything. Was this how it was going to be now? Would the memories he treasured be lost forever in the fog of his aging, damaged head as the years passed?

Greatness…

Suddenly Ray was aware of a warm sensation; a wet, warm sensation spreading from his abdomen down to his legs. He quickly pulled Carmen away from his body and held her at arms length. "You peed on me!" he exclaimed.

Carmen appeared unpeturbed.

"Er, er…" Ray held her in the air for a moment while he panicked. Then he broke into a smile and he shrugged. "At least it wasn't more poop," he noted, wryly.

Ray found Stella's linen cupboard just outside the bathroom. He wrapped Carmen in a large, soft, fluffy towel and carried her into Stella's bedroom.

"I guess I should change these pants," he noted, looking down at the wet patch on the right leg of his jeans. He carefully laid Carmen in the middle of the bed and walked over to Stella's chest of drawers to starting rummaging. "Y'know, one good thing about having a skinny ass is I can wear women's clothing," he said. Then he sniggered. "Er, OK that sounded weird. I mean, it's not like a, er, a kinky thing with me…I just mean in an emergency…" he trailed off. "You don't care, do ya," he grinned. "Now turn around while I change into these sweat pants," he winked.

Ray dressed himself and then turned his attentions back to Carmen. "OK, now let's see if I can, er, get this diaper on…er, um…" He adjusted the fastenings a few times before he was happy with it. "Hey, that looks good," he was quite pleased with himself. He pulled out a pink vest and yellow Babygro from her bag and proceeded to dress her. Carmen steadfastly refused to cooperate, instead wriggling and kicking her legs about as much as she could. It took Ray several minutes to get her arms and legs into the outfit; he was afraid he might hurt her if he was too rough. She was so tiny and helpless and it dawned on Ray just how dependent she was on him, even if it was only for a few hours. It was quite daunting if he thought about it too much.

"You wanna know something? You're hard work," he said quietly as he fastened the last of the press studs on the Babygro. Then he laughed. "Fraser has one just like this in red," he sniggered. "It looks better on you," he added.

Then a thought struck him. "D'ya think the Ice Queen has one too?" he pondered. "I mean, do all Mounties wear those things in bed?" He closed his eyes as he tried to imagine Inspector Thatcher dressed in red longjohns. Denny Scarpa had looked kinda hot in Fraser's, but Inspector Thatcher… Ray shook his head. "Nah," he said. "I know Fraser has a thing for her, but, er, I just don't get it. She's, like…like a dog chasing a cat, or somethin'. She treats him like dirt, but I guess Fraser gets a kick outta that." He stopped talking and frowned at Carmen. "You're not very good at conversation are ya," he smiled. "Sorry, I'll quit rambling."

Then Ray let out a huge sigh and lay back on the bed next to Carmen. "I bathed a baby," he said, not quite able to believe it himself. He glanced at the clock on the bedside table and was surprised to see that less than an hour had passed since Fraser and Stella had left. "So now what're we gonna do?" he asked Carmen. Things hadn't gone too badly so far, but it would still be another couple of hours at least before Stella would be home.

Still plenty of time for me to screw up…

Ray started to doubt his abilities again. He knew nothing about babies at all. All he'd done was wash her and he wouldn't have even had to do that if he hadn't been so bad at dealing with her poop. Then he'd tried to have a conversation with her.

That's not what you're meant to do with babies.

He sat up and looked down at her.

You must think I'm D-U-M dumb…

Carmen reached out towards his face and Ray couldn't help but smile. She had no concept of, well of anything much at all so how could she think he was dumb?

Well, everyone else does…right?

"Life sucks, kid," he said with a sigh, gently enveloping her tiny hand in his. "This is the easy part." He playfully tickled her tummy. "I guess I should be happy Stella actually trusted me to take care of you," he said. "I know she was desperate, but still, here we are."

Carmen kicked her legs in the air and Ray captured her feet in his hands. "I could have been a good Dad," he continued wistfully as he made gentle circling movements with her legs. "Not a great one, but a good one. I figure if we'd had kids I probably would have been the one, y'know, doing most of the, er, parentin' stuff. Stella was always the one earning the big bucks so it would've made sense. I wouldn't have cared; she has a great career, I'm just a cop. Maybe she thought playin' the mom would freak me out?"

Ray's mind wondered…maybe Stella was right? Could he really have dealt with being the only father at the baby yoga group? The only guy in the sandpit? The only man dragging a screaming toddler round the grocery store? I don't know…maybe not…but I didn't even get chance to try…

Carmen started to get upset. She pushed her fist into her mouth and began to cry.

"Oh, hey, er…you hungry?" asked Ray, lifting her into his arms. "C'mon, let's go find you some milk. Now…do ya remember which button Fraser said to press on that bottle warmer? Coz I don't have a clue."

xXxXx

"Are those my sweat pants?" Stella stopped and stared at her ex-husband for a moment.

"Oh, hi Stell," said Ray, looking up as she walked back into her apartment. He was sitting on the floor with Carmen. He'd unpacked some of the toys Fraser had bought the day before and Carmen seemed content to watch him push plastic animals on wheels around the floor. Occasionally she tried to pick one up, but her coordination wasn't good enough yet and she got frustrated and started to cry. Ray quickly realised that he could calm her with a funny face, or by tickling her under her chin and they'd been having fun. "Yeah, I, er…it's a long story," he added. "How's Silvina?"

"She's OK," Stella explained. "She still looks dreadful, but her doctors are pleased with her progress so it's all good. She's going to be there a few more days though."

Ray nodded. "Sit down," he said. "I'll make coffee."

Stella smiled gratefully. She kicked off her shoes and placed the large file she'd been carrying under her arm down onto the sofa. "This is all the paperwork I need to sort out for Silvina," she explained as Ray headed for the kitchen. "That moron Sandy really screwed things up," she added with an exhausted sigh. "I made a few phone calls so the heat's off for now, but I've got twenty four hours to file the correct documents or the deportation order is going to be enforced. Jesus Christ, Ray, it was three documents. That's all he had to do. The guy's an experienced legal secretary for god's sake, I don't know what he was thinking? He's really going to get it in the neck when I get back to work."

Ray grinned. The poor guy was probably just having a bad day, that's all. He didn't envy Sandy now though; being on the end of one of The Stella's dressing downs was not a pleasant experience. "Drink this," he said, dropping a sweetener into a cup and walking back towards the couch where Stella had slumped, "and relax, OK. You're gonna fix it, it'll be fine. I'll take Carmen out in her stroller so you can do, er, whatever you've gotta do."

"Really? Thank you, Ray," smiled Stella. What she really wanted to do was go to bed. She still felt tired even though she'd slept reasonably well last night. She just couldn't seem to relax when Carmen was around.

xXxXx

"Sir, if I may take a break for a moment I'd like to telephone Assistant State's Attorney Kowalski and check on her wellbeing and that of the infant in her care." Fraser stood to attention in Inspector Thatcher's office as he made his request. "I would also like to speak to Lieutenant Welsh regarding the current situation with George Molton."

Fraser had spent the morning reorganising the Inspector's filing cabinet as a punishment for 'his recent disappointing behaviour,' as she had put it. He had secretly quite enjoyed the task; while his superior officer's organisational skills were not nearly as bad as Ray's, the state of her office still left a lot to be desired. He had rediscovered several documents that had been misfiled over the last few months and Thatcher was grateful to him for that at least, although she tried not to show it.

The Inspector looked up from her computer as he spoke. "Well…" it was difficult for her to say no. Fraser had explained where he'd been for the last few days and, as much as she was disappointed by his sneaking around, she understood his reasons and she acknowledged that his intentions had been – as always – entirely noble. "Alright," she nodded. "Dismissed for now, but I still have other tasks for you."

"Yes, Sir," nodded Fraser and left the room.

He called Stella first and was pleased to hear that Silvina was doing well and also that Ray's babysitting had been successful. "I'll be busy here for the rest of the day, but if you need anything, just call," he said.

Stella thanked him and made a mental note to show her gratitude properly when she had the time and energy to organise something. She was friends with one of the directors of the Lyric Opera; he should be able to get her a couple of tickets for the best seats in the house, the thought. She knew Fraser would be pleased with such a gift. He would, of course, refuse to accept it at first she realised, so she'd have to insist. He could take that mortician friend of his…or maybe I could set him up with someone? He really needs to find himself a nice girl, he deserves some happiness.

Lieutenant Welsh was pleased to hear from Fraser. He had secretly been concerned that something was wrong, so he was grateful when Fraser briefly explained the reasons why he hadn't been about for the past few days. Also, although Welsh would never admit it to his face, he had missed having the Mountie hanging around his police station. "I guess you heard about Molton," said Welsh.

"Yes," replied Fraser. "I was hoping you'd have an update. Ray is rather…um, fractious. He's keen to get back to work."

"I know, Constable," Welsh answered with a sigh, "and believe me I'd rather he was here working than not, but I can't risk it. Molton's lawyer is as slimy as they come and it would only take one wrong move from Vecchio to blow the whole thing," he explained. "I'm working on it, don't worry; I think we're getting somewhere. I've got the State's Attorney on my side and he's meeting with Bennett this afternoon. I have high hopes. Tell Vecchio I'll keep him posted."

"Thank you kindly," replied Fraser and replaced the receiver just as Diefenbaker came trotting out into the hall. "Oh, there you are," Fraser frowned. Dief had been hiding ever since they'd got back to the Consulate. "I have a short break now, so if you need to relieve yourself we can take a quick walk around the block."

Dief yapped.

"I don't see that it's any of your business," replied Fraser. "The Inspector feels this is a suitable punishment and I respect her decision."

Dief yapped again.

Fraser felt his face redden. Why did his wolf have to bring that up? He and the Inspector had made a promise never to mention their 'contact' again, so the least Diefenbaker could do was to do the same, he thought. "It has nothing to do with that," retorted Fraser. "I would respect her decision even if we hadn't…even if I didn't…." he trailed off. "You might even consider helping me," he added.

Dief yawned and walked away.

xXxXx

That evening, Stella and Ray were sitting on the couch watching an old movie. It was one of Stella's favourites. When Ray had suggested they put the video on she had hesitated; they used to watch it when they were married and she wasn't sure if she was in the right frame of mind for reminiscing.

She remembered how Ray used to surprise her with a romantic dinner – take out, of course – with candles on the table and some soft background music. He always seemed to know when she'd had a stressful day and he wanted her to relax when she got home. Dinner would always turn to dancing and then, invariably, dancing would turn to sex and then they'd put on an old movie and fall asleep in each other's arms. She missed the warmth and comfort of his arms. And she missed the sex. She glanced across at him. He was feeding Carmen and he looked so contented as he smiled down at the tiny baby.

Why couldn't I just have given him what he wanted? Maybe if we'd had a baby none of the other crap would ever have happened?

Stella had always told herself that her unwillingness to have children was not the main reason for the breakdown of their marriage. There were so many other reasons – it had all gone so horribly wrong – but what if having a child had changed Ray? Or changed her? Maybe they wouldn't have grown so far apart? Maybe…

Ray looked across at her. "You OK?" he asked, concerned at the sadness etched on her face.

"Yes, I'm fine," she replied, far too abruptly.

Ray frowned. "You can go to bed if you're tired," he suggested. "I could, er…that is I don't mind…um, I'm happy to stay the night…if ya want me to."

For a moment Stella was stunned. He wants to stay…I want him to stay…

"I mean, I'll sleep on the couch," he clarified. "So, er, so I can be here for Carmen."

"Oh," replied Stella. For just a brief moment she'd thought…hoped, maybe…that she hadn't misread his intentions. "Um, that would be…er…thank you, Ray."

Ray smiled at her. "I'm glad you don't hate me…after what I said yesterday," he said. "Thanks," he added.

Stella smiled back. She would never hate Ray, no matter what stupid thing he did next, she could never hate him. She owed him too much, her life would have gone down a very different path if it wasn't for him and she would be forever grateful to him for showing her how to love and what it meant to be loved by someone in return.

Ray looked into her eyes and felt a surge of emotion. Spending time with Stella like this had been wonderful. He still loved her. His head was screaming at him not to get too sentimental – he knew how dangerous that could be – but he couldn't help himself. "Y'know, it could have been just like this," he said, quietly.

"Don't," Stella reprimanded him. "Please, Ray." She stood up abruptly and carried her empty coffee cup out to the kitchen.

Ray sighed. He could have kicked himself in the head for saying that. "Stella…" he placed Carmen carefully on the couch with a cushion to stop her rolling off and ran after Stella. "I'm sorry," he said, spinning her round by her shoulder. "I didn't mean…"

"I know," replied Stella. "Look, Ray, this afternoon has been…well it's been nice." Nice? Was that the best word I could think of?

"Yeah," agreed Ray.

"You and me…as friends, I mean," Stella explained. "This is what I hoped for after… after we…" she trailed off. "I never meant to hurt you, Ray."

Ray nodded ruefully. I know you didn't…but you did. More than I can ever tell you…

"I tried to be who you wanted me to be," she continued, "I tried so goddam hard, but I just couldn't…" her voice cracked.

"Hey," said Ray, gently and pulled her into a hug. He hadn't seen Stella get this emotional since before the divorce. She had put all these barriers between them since then and even though there had been moments he knew that she was hurting inside for whatever reason, she would never show it in front of him. That had been one of the hardest things to cope with. The loneliness was bad enough, but knowing he couldn't hold her when she was hurting was like a knife through his heart.

Stella took two deep breaths and broke away from his arms, wiping the tears from her eyes with her hand. "I'm sorry about that," she said. "I keep doing this lately. Fraser tells me it's because of the sleep deprivation."

Ray nodded. He didn't dare to speak; the things that were running through his mind were too dangerous to voice in front of Stella. Their relationship was balanced on a knife edge. Something had changed and Ray couldn't explain it, but it felt good…peaceful, calm… One wrong move and he could screw up this delicate, fledgling whatever it was that they had and it would all be over again. He couldn't risk that.

"And I'd like it very much if we could stay friends," Stella continued.

Yeah, that's what it is. Ray realised. We're friends now.

"I want to be here for you if you need me, like you've been here for me today, but we can't if you keep going back to the past," Stella continued.

Ray nodded again. But the past was good…

"I really appreciate everything you've done today," she added. "I just can't cope with Carmen. I'm sorry if that's hard for you to understand…"

"No, it's OK," Ray reassured her. "I get it."

Ray had surprised himself today. This was the first time he'd ever spent any amount of time with a baby and, apart from a few nervous moments, he'd enjoyed it; even getting peed on. Stella was not like him, though; he knew that now. Well, he'd known it for a long time, of course. He'd observed her with Carmen earlier, she was…awkward with her. Ray had found it hard to watch.

Ray had always imagined having kids with Stella and he'd thought Stella would make a good mother - even though she hated other people's kids, surely she would bond with her own? Maybe he had been wrong after all…perhaps he had never really understood her at all…maybe they were just too different on so many levels for their marriage to work? Before they'd got married no one ever expected their relationship to last more than a few months, a couple of years at best, but they'd surprised everyone by lasting as long as they did. There were so many good times – so many - but ultimately their differences had been insurmountable.

Ray leaned forward and kissed Stella on the cheek. "Go and get some sleep," he said. He watched her walk away, his mind drifting again…but his thoughts were rudely interrupted by his phone ringing. He ran over to where he'd thrown his jacket across the back of a chair and pulled the device from his pocket.

"Vecchio….oh hi, Lieutenant….yeah…yeah…that's great. Serves the bastard right….yeah…well I guess I'll see ya tomorrow."

Ray clicked off his phone and glanced over to Carmen. Her eyes were drifting closed and he smiled at her. "Molton's being transferred to a federal jail overnight," he told her, not caring that she didn't understand. "It's over, we won. So, er, so I can go back to work tomorrow."

He had been looking forward to the prospect of spending another day with Carmen…and Stella…although perhaps with hindsight it might have been a bad idea after all.

"OK, so here's the deal," Ray continued, his voice barely more than a whisper. "You be a good girl for your Uncle Ray tonight so I can sleep."

He gently lifted her off the couch and carried her to her crib.

"Coz if I'm tired tomorrow there's a good chance I'll, er, kick Dewey in the head or somethin' and he won't like that," added Ray as he pulled her blanket up and tucked it in.

Of course Ray couldn't sleep anyway – he rarely did at the best of times - and at 3am, when Carmen woke for her feed, Ray was still awake…trying to get Stella out of his mind.