A Guys Night Out, a mass effect fanfic

An hour after the Normandy was docked onto the Citadel, Javik emerged from the airlock, making his way into the station. He passed through screening, and was halted by a Turian C-Sec officer. "Name."
"Javik."
"...right. Occupation?"
"The voice of a dead people." Javik grunted, pushing his way past the officer.
"Sir, you're going to have to stop."
"Get out of my way, Turian."
The officer drew his pistol, aiming it at the Prothean before he was stopped by another Turian. "It's alright, officer. He came to the Citadel once before with Commander Shepard. The two are friends."
"Oh...right. My apologies, Mr Vakarian. My scanner wasn't recognising him. A problem over at administration, no doubt."
"Yeah."
The guard sheepishly nodded, allowing Javik and Garrus into the station.
"I had thought you left the Normandy a while ago." Said Javik.
"I did, but I...forgot a few things." Answered Garrus.
"I assume you got a message from the Commander?"
"Yeah. A guys night out, apparently." Nodded Vakarian.
"This will end extremely badly, or extremely well."
"I'm thinking it's going to end up a little bit of both."

The Prothean and the Turian entered Purgatory, to see James, Joker, Thane, Grunt and Zaeed at the bar, talking and drinking. The duo approached the small group.
"Hey, scars. Javik." Greeted Vega. Garrus slapped his shoulder, whilst Javik silently acknowledged him.
"Good to see you in one piece, Vakarian." Said Zaeed.
"You too, Massani."
"Garrus." Nodded Grunt.
"Grunt."
"Mr Vakarian. A pleasure to see you again." Smiled Thane.
"Likewise, Mr Krios."
"Who's this guy?" Asked Grunt, nodding to Javik.
"You know how Garrus has a stick up his ass?" Started Joker. "This guy found an even bigger stick. His name is Javik."
"Of course I found a bigger stick. Protheans always win." Smugly stated Javik.
"You're a Proth-"
"Yes, Human." Said Javik, interrupting Zaeed. "I am Prothean. The last."
"An honour to meet you, Javik. I am Thane Krios."
"The Drell has etiquette. A refreshing change." Nodded Javik.
"Well, this is awkward. I killed a few hundred of your buddies a couple months back." Bluntly stated Grunt, looking to the Prothean.
"They were not my 'buddies'." Replied the ancient commander. The group turned to greet Cortez, who then bought a drink.
"Where's Shepard?" Asked Vega.
"Who knows where that man ever is." Chuckled Garrus.
"Wrex is on his way." Grunted Grunt.
"Speak of the devil, and he shall appear." Uttered a deep voice. The group turned again to see Urdnot Wrex, the crimson-clad Battlemaster approaching the bar. He quickly turned to Joker upon his arrival. "I said that right, right?"
"Yep. Another Human phrase mastered."
Wrex nodded and greeted the group, shortly before Joker was contacted by Shepard via omni-tool. "Joker, do you all read me?"
"Loud and clear, Commander."
"Alright. Guys, I can't make it." Muttered Shepard.
"What? You organised this thing, Shepard." Replied Garrus.
"I know and I'm sorry, but Hackett needs to see me about the Crucible."
"He's probably bailing on us to see Jack..." Smirked James.
"I am not!" Cried the Spectre, defending himself.
"I didn't want that image in my head, Vega." Grumbled Grunt.
"Oh, come on big guy. We all know you have the hots for Jack too." Chuckled James. Grunt glared at him.
"...Grunt?" Asked Shepard.
"Don't listen to him, Shepard." Answered the tank-bred Krogan.
"So that's why you stayed down in Engineering on our little Collector tour..." Teased Garrus. "You had a crush on the powerful, mysterious woman below deck."
"You know, Turians are real tasty once you pry off the scales. I haven't had lunch today..."
"Anyway." Interrupted Shepard. "I didn't want this to go to waste, so I'm forwarding a few thousand credits to each of you. Have a fun night."
"Good ol' Spectre funds, right Shepard?" Grinned Wrex.
"We hope to see you soon, Shepard." Said Thane.
"Me too. Shepard out."

A couple of hours later, the group had moved to a large table in Purgatory. Well, Wrex pulled two tables together, after forcing people to move. The group was tipsy or sober, none of them yet drunk. They sat around the table, drinking and talking.
"That ever happened to you, Wrex?" Asked Zaeed.
"Once. He didn't get very far." Answered the Krogan.
"Yeah. I doubt the 'knife to the head-plate' tactic would work on Grunt, with his baby plates an' all."
"I have no weaknesses...heh...heh...heh..." Gurgled Grunt, taking a swig of his ryncol.
"Well, except for Jack." Sniggered James.
"Damn it Vega!" Bellowed Grunt as he slammed his fist against the table. The group up-roared with laughter.
"What about the rest of you?" Asked Cortez. "Anyone special in your lives?"
Everyone awkwardly looked down, not wanting to participate in this conversation. James smirked. "Well, Joker's shacked up with EDI."
"The synthetic?!" Javik spat out his drink in disgust.
"Yeah yeah...well what about Garrus? We've all seen the way he looks at Tali." Countered Jeff. The Turian became flustered, at which the rest of the group smirked and laughed. "Let's not forget Wrex and Eve."
"Don't try to turn it on me, Vakarian. I've had half the women of Tuchanka in the last couple of weeks."
Javik smirked. Garrus noticed. "Well, what about this developing relationship between Javik and Liara..."
"It is purely one-sided." Bluntly replied the Prothean.
"You sure about that, Prothy?" Grinned Joker.
"Yes. Call me Prothy again, and you will be drinking that out of a bullet-hole in your forehead."
"Ooh, touchy." Remarked Zaeed.
"He's in denial. Feelings confirmed." Sniggered Steve.
"I will die before I am paired with a primitive." Huffed Javik.
"In case you haven't noticed, primitives are all that's left in the galaxy. You could do a lot worse than Liara T'Soni." Advised the Turian. Javik fell silent.
"What about you, Thane?" Asked James. "I can't imagine a stud like you having trouble finding a special lady."
"She...died some years ago." Replied the ex-assassin. James nodded and looked down.
"A toast." Started Cortez. "To the ones we've lost. Never forgotten."
Thane smiled and nodded, as did Garrus and a few others.
"That, is something I will drink to." Nodded the Prothean. The group deeply drank from their glasses, before slamming them down on the table. After another round, as the group became significantly more intoxicated - except for Thane - Grunt abruptly stood. "I need to...take a leak."
"Restroom's over...over...there." Pointed Garrus. The Krogan vacantly nodded.

The pure Krogan staggered into the restroom, squeezing into a cubicle. He liked his privacy. After doing what he needed to do, he flushed and clambered out of it, standing at the sinks to wash his hands. Two Batarians were next to him, on either side.
"What are...are you looking at, Balarians?"
"Balarians?" Repeated one of the Batarians. "Looks like this Krogan has had too much to drink..."
"I...am p-pure Krogan. You should be in...maw." Stuttered Grunt as he plunged his hands into the water-filled sink. "Thresher Maws..."
"Give us your credit chit, and we'll leave you alone."
"The only thing I'll give you is a broken...huh...where did that coupon go..." Gurgled the Krogan. Looking at each other in disbelief, the Batarians then smugly grinned and leapt at him.

"...and then we fought a bunch of Rachni and took down Liara's mom. Poor kid. Anyway, there was Geth circuitry and Rachni juices everywhere. It felt like my birthday." Reminisced Wrex. Grunt came stumbling out of the restroom, blood painting his armour and head.
"Does he...always look like that after havin' a piss?" Asked Zaeed.
"We need to go." Mumbled Grunt.
"Something tells me that's not your blood, Krogan." Inquired Javik.
"I was almost robbed...by two Krogan and six Elcor." Answered the tank-bred.
"Must be a big restroom." Muttered Joker.
"There might've been more." Said Grunt. The entire group was drunk, to a degree. Except for Thane. The Drell stood. "Are they dead or alive?"
"Hard to tell. It's a...mess in there." Confessed the Krogan, his blue eyes soft and hazy from the drink.
"Perhaps it is indeed time to go." Nodded Thane. The group quickly stood, following Krios out of the club. The alarms sounded soon after, and the group quickened their pace to the nearest elevator.

"Up or down?" Asked Cortez, fighting his hiccups.
"Down is...always safer." Replied Grunt.
"Like in Engineering, right?" Smirked James.
"One more...reference to Jack...and...I will destroy you!" Growled the Krogan.
"Wow. I think he really has got the hots for 'er." Grinned Massani. Grunt leant against the glass wall of the capsule, his face squashed against it. Cortez pressed the button for the ground floor, and the elevator began to descend very slowly.
"This is...cramped." Sighed Joker.
"Just like old times, eh Garrus?" Smirked Wrex.
"There used...to be music in these things..." Answered the Turian, also fighting off hiccups.
"Back in my cycle, elevators moved at the speed of light." Huffed Javik.
"Elevators could initiate FTL?!" Asked Cortez, his eyes lighting up like a child's on Christmas Day.
"No. That would be ridiculous." Smirked Javik. "Stupid primitive."
"Hmph."
"This goddamn elevator is getting...bloody hot." Moaned Zaeed. Grunt head-butted the glass several times, cracking it, and eventually smashing a hole in it. The capsule was immediately cooled down.
"Grunt..." Sighed Thane.
"Thanks, turtle boy." Said Zaeed.
"How did...did you do that?" Asked James, the alcohol hitting him completely.
"Heh...magic..." Gurgled Grunt.
"M-...magic?" Repeated Vega.
"Yeah...heh...Samara taught me."
"This elevator is barely moving..." Commented Thane.
"Maybe if we jump up and down, our weight will push it down faster." Suggested Wrex. The alcohol had now hit the entire group completely, except, of course, Mr Krios.
"That...that could work..." Nodded Zaeed.
"Jump, primitives! Jump! Jump for Lord Javik!" Yelled the Prothean. Javik turned to see Garrus fiddling with the controls of the elevator. "Turian. Why are you not jumping?"
"This elevator...clearly...needs calibrating."
"No." Said Grunt, shaking his large drunken head. "It needs...magic."
"Don't tell me you actually believe in magic, baby pyjak." Scoffed Wrex.
"Samara showed me."
"I think she would remember it differently." Smirked Thane.
"I personally wanna see this magic." Said Joker. Grunt grinned, and placed his palms on the cracked wall of the capsule. The group watched in sheer curiosity. Grunt closed his bright blue eyes, humming deeply. Silence. Then, a loud noise filled the chamber. The group's eyes widened, before several C-Sec shuttles descended, aiming their weapons at the capsule. "You're all under arrest for the assault in Purgatory!"
"Take your magic back, damn it!" Bellowed Wrex.
"No...I didn't do it right..." Grumbled Grunt.
"Thanks, Grunt." Sighed Garrus.
"Their attempts at capturing us are futile. We are protected by this impregnable descending fortress!" Shouted Javik, a smug grin on his face.
"Javik...we're in an elevator."
"That is only what the Reapers want you to believe." Countered the Prothean.

The group sat on the floor of a large C-Sec holding cell. Wrex, Zaeed, Grunt and Garrus had began to sober up, now merely tipsy, whilst the rest, other than Thane, remained drunk.
"So much for 'two Krogan and six Elcor.'" Said Wrex as he rolled his eyes.
"You prettied that story up, didn't you boy." Chuckled Zaeed.
"I remember it differently." Grumbled the tank-bred.
"Never thought I'd end up on this side of the holding cells..." Sighed Garrus. The door suddenly slid open, revealing a Turian officer. "You made bail."
The group slowly stood, walking single file out of the cell. "It's about time Shepard got here." Grumbled Wrex. As the group left the holding area, they halted, eyes widened and jaws hanging ajar as they saw who bailed them out. In front of them stood Liara, Tali, Ashley, Jack, Kasumi, EDI, Miranda, Samara and Traynor. They stood in a line with their arms folded.
"...put me back in the cell." Whimpered James.
"One night on the Citadel, and you end up in jail." Scoffed Liara.
"What is this?" Asked Wrex.
"Can't the girls have a night out too?" Asked Tali. "You should count yourselves lucky that we happened to be on the Citadel."
"We're taking you bad boys back to the Normandy. Shepard's orders." Huffed Jack. James smirked upon seeing her and subtly nudged Grunt. The Krogan angrily stepped on Vega's foot. The large group of men and women left the room, the men being scolded by the women.
"Tali, I..."
"Arrested, Garrus? Really?" Said Tali as she shook her head.
"Samara." Nodded Grunt.
"Hello, magical Krogan." Answered the Justicar, her brow raised.
"Damn it."
Javik drunkenly staggered into the arms of Liara, who grunted as she caught the armoured Prothean.
"...Javik?"
"Yes yes, you may call me Javik, Asari." Nodded the Prothean, an unaware smile on his face.
"...did you try to beat Wrex in a drink-up?" Asked Liara.
"Maybe. And maybe, if you are lucky, you may lay with me tonight."
"...by the goddess." Murmured Liara as she shook her head, pulling his arm around her neck and helping him out.
"The Turian suggested that we 'become more acquainted.'" Giggled Javik.
"...I think you need some rest." Said T'Soni, eyes widened.
"I have rested for 50,000 years, Asari. Now is the time for procreating."
"I don't think so, Javik."
"You will have a night to remember...if you tell no-one."
"Noted." Answered the Asari.
"If you do tell anyone, I will rip off your hair tentacles one by one." Nodded Javik, casually. Liara warily nodded, and shouted over to Wrex.
"Yeah?" Answered the Krogan.
"Don't ever get Javik drunk again."