I do not own any of the characters or The Hobbit (just the AU storyline and my OC) Those are the work of the esteemed and brilliant John Ronald Reuel Tolkien, and without his genius, this and many other fan fics would not be in existence.
Just a reminder to my readers- please don't expect frequent/regular updates until January due to real life craziness-'tis the season for weddings and Christmas and frantically trying to complete sewing projects, and I found out today jury duty as well (grr)! O_o Thanks to all!
Kili's eyes fluttered, and a muffled groan escaped his lips as a dull ache emitted from his torso. His lungs still ached terribly, and his entire body felt like he'd been training hard for two days straight with no rest. The young dwarf took a breath, freezing as he felt the familiar tug of stitches and bandages on his chest and arms.
Stitches? Why?
Kili was no stranger to injuries requiring stitching. Having trained with swords as soon as he was able to lift them, the young dwarf had come home many a time with a small scratch here or a gash there from sparring when he had neglected to defend properly. After the usual scolding by his mother for not being careful enough, either she or Oin had sewn his wounds closed.
A sweet, familiar smell entered his lungs and vague memories emerged in his mind. A panicked voice, vicious, feral snarling, shouting, a little girl screaming and crying, Cirashala running toward the tree with the angry lynx a mere pace behind...at the thought of the young woman, the dark eyes flew open in panic.
"C-Cira," he gasped, feeling his heart pound inside his chest. The blur in his eyes slowly cleared, and the young prince frowned as the sight of rough hewn log above him became visible in the dim light. The sweet smell of what he now realized was peppermint still hung in the air, and a vague memory of Cirashala rubbing it into his shoulder surfaced, causing a deep flush to spread across his cheeks.
I must have fallen asleep while she was doing so, he thought to himself sheepishly. I-it felt really good.
The young prince's gaze moved downward, and his eyes widened slightly as he realized he was in a bedchamber. An indigo curtain hung in front of the only window near the foot of the bed, a few shreds of daylight visible through the part in the middle. The quilt atop him was pieced with various hues, ranging from the same indigo that matched the curtain to soft yellows and browns and dark greens. It did not take the young dwarf long to realize that he was in a human sized bed.
Where am I?
A slight whimper sounded to his right as the bed beneath him shifted ever so slightly, and Kili's brow furrowed in confusion. Quickly turning his head, the young dwarf froze at the sight, dark eyes widening in shock as he gasped.
All breath left him as he stared at the young woman sound asleep in the bed beside him. Her hair was very tousled, many tendrils escaping the braids he'd done a few days prior. Dark circles were present under her eyes, which showed a bit of redness around the edges, and her brow furrowed as another slight whimper escaped her lips.
Wha-what is she doing in the same bed as me?
The tugging he'd been feeling in his chest returned even stronger than before as he stared at her, his heart beating fast at their close proximity. He'd always shared a bed with his brother, ever since they were little, but somehow this seemed very different. Swallowing heavily, his breaths came in quick succession, all pain forgotten as his still half asleep brain tried to comprehend the situation.
She looks completely exhausted.
His eyes followed her arm lying between them and landed on her broken wrist, the limb still bound as her hand rested next to the side of her pillow. The young prince noticed a damp rag balled up a bit in her relaxed fist, and memories surfaced of feeling a cool cloth on his hot face repeatedly as he slept. The young prince's astonished gaze moved back toward her, pieces of the puzzle slowly coming together. A strange mixture of emotions swirled through his chest as the tugging became stronger, but before he could recognize them, a slight rattle sounded from across the room.
Eyes darting up, the young dwarf looked up in panic as one of the tall folk entered the room. The wizened old woman looked at him in surprise for a moment, before nodding.
"You're awake," she said matter-of-factly, shutting the door behind her and moving towards the bed. Heart leaping in his throat, the startled dwarf quickly scooted back until his head made contact with the headboard. Barely disguising the wince as the motion put pressure on his bandaged hands and tugged at his stitches, the suspicious gaze never left the human.
"W-who are you?" he asked warily, his whole body trembling. He wasn't overtly distrustful of humans per se, unlike most of his kin, but he'd never been around them without other dwarves or a weapon at least hidden somewhere amongst his clothing, and certainly never in such an injured state. Memories of Thorin's arrest and beating in Bree over false accusations went through his mind at the sight of the woodswoman before him, and the young prince found himself wishing that he had not lost his knife in the forest as the strange woman's piercing blue eyes bore into him. Suddenly, he felt very vulnerable.
"My name is Meril," she replied, setting down a bundle of clothing on the foot of the bed. Kili's eyes narrowed at her, hand moving protectively toward the sleeping young woman next to him.
"Where are we?" he asked, his voice low as his eyes darted quickly about the room, gaze never leaving the old woman for more than a split second. Meril's gaze followed his hand as he rested it near Cirashala's shoulder, and turned her gaze back toward Kili.
"You are in my home," she replied. "I killed the lynx that attacked you, and your sister asked for my aid to help heal your wounds, and a place to stay for the night." Kili's brow furrowed in confusion as he glanced at the sleeping young woman.
My…sister?
"You have been asleep off and on for almost a day now," the old woman continued, separating out the bundle of clothing. The young dwarf noticed that her own gaze did not leave his, her expression unreadable. "She helped me stitch you up, and has barely left your side since you both got here. I don't think she's even slept until now, to be honest- she was so worried about your fever."
Kili's eyes widened as he caught sight of his long underwear in the wrinkled hands, the bloodstains faded but not erased completely. The mending from where the lynx tore the fabric was obvious, but the piece of clothing was still usable.
Gaze darting down, the young prince's eyes widened as he realized for the first time that he was not wearing his own clothing, but rather a human nightshirt. His cheeks reddened in embarrassment and indignation at being completely undressed while unconscious, and his angry gaze met the old woman's.
"Where are the rest of my clothes?" he asked, his voice low. Meril looked up in surprise, before her own features darkened.
"If you think me a thief, master Gisli, you are mistaken," she retorted, holding up his trousers from the pile. "They are right here." Kili's eyes glanced at it, before returning toward hers, anger and embarrassment coursing through him, as well as confusion at the name she used.
"How dare you—" he began, glaring at the old woman, but Meril stood up straight, cutting him off.
"If you think that I undressed you, you are mistaken," she said sternly. "Your sister insisted that it would humiliate you, and devised a way to do so while your dignity remained intact." At his slightly bewildered expression, she gestured toward the young woman, sighing loudly.
"She put the nightshirt on your first, then reached up underneath to take your long underwear off with her eyes shut most of the time," Meril replied in slight exasperation. "You were never indecent. Though I do not understand why it would bother you so much- she is your sister, after all."
Meril's eyes fixed on him at the mention of the word sister, puzzling the young dwarf even further. Kili glanced down at the young woman, the back up at her, and nodded, realization finally dawning on him.
"Aye, she is," he said slowly as he carefully kept eye contact with the old woman, wondering why Cirashala had called herself his sister. He was not as surprised at the different name as he was at the young woman claiming kinship to him, dwarves commonly hiding their true names from others.
But how would she know that? And Kili isn't my true name anyway- Kildár is.
Meril nodded, her expression again unreadable as her gaze slowly moved between the two of them. Straightening up from where she'd finished sorting the clothing, she moved toward the door. Reaching for the handle, the elder paused, before turning toward the young dwarf.
"Thank you for saving my Freida," she said quietly, nodding toward him. Kili's brow furrowed in confusion, before he remembered the little girl he'd placed in the tree during the attack to protect her from the angry lynx. The young dwarf returned the nod.
"You're welcome."
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The door clicked shut, and Kili slowly scooted back down to his previous position, the angle of the pillow under his back tugging further at his stitches. Laying his head back, the young dwarf stared at the ceiling, trying to make sense of the information he'd learned from Meril.
She called me her brother, but why?
The young dwarf was very puzzled by the thought. The young woman wasn't tall by any means, and she could be very stubborn if she wanted to be, but it was clear to all of their company that she was no dwarf maid. Her ears were too small, her nose was too small, her hands and feet were too slight. And she didn't have a beard.
The young dwarf's hand self consciously went up toward his own beard as he laid back and shut his eyes, swallowing heavily as his fingertips felt the embarrassingly short strands.
Scanty, they call it, he thought to himself, remembering the taunting jests of his childhood and beyond. Looks like an elf to me, or maybe a human.
She could not be taken for a dwarf, except maybe for her height, which surprisingly equaled his own. But….once, he had been taken for a human lad. At least, he was until his ears were seen when he angrily threw back his hood. The memory burned within him, causing him to blink back a few hot tears.
To be called a human or an elfling by other dwarf lads and lasses was bad enough. To actually be genuinely mistaken for one by other humans in front of his own kin had been utterly humiliating. He was proud of his heritage, even if his kin and he sometimes didn't see eye to eye about other races. He had been borne of a dwarf woman, he had a dwarf brother and father and uncle, and many distant dwarf cousins. He had learned how to forge dwarf weapons and master them with deadly accuracy. He had grown up, lived with, and trained with other dwarves, and learned dwarf history, customs, and their secretive language. He was no human- he was a dwarf through and through.
And…if the human woman believes Cira to be my sister, then…she must think me a human as well. I couldn't possibly be a dwarf if I have a human sister.
The knowledge that he had once again been mistaken for a human burned within his chest, even as he wished it weren't so. And yet, Cirashala had defended him when Gloin and Nori had teased him about being an elf outside Rivendell. She seemed to realize then that being called such, even in friendly jest, had hurt him deeply, which made her actions all the more puzzling to the young dwarf.
Why did she do it – why, when she knew it would only hurt me?
A stirring sounded beside him, pulling him from his thoughts, and he glanced over to see her eyes finally flutter open. Cirashala blinked a few times at the sunlight that had shifted to shine in her eyes, her brow furrowing, before she looked up at the young dwarf in surprise. Without a word, she brought her right hand up to Kili's forehead, brushing her fingertips along his brow. The young dwarf hadn't been expecting the gesture, and his eyes blinked in surprise and confusion.
"Cira, what are you—" the young dwarf was cut off as her hand moved downward, her broken hand finally settling on his beard.
All rational thought left his mind as his breath caught in his throat. Kili knew she knew that touching another dwarf's beard was a very intimate act- Fili had explained as much when Kili apologized for accidentally touching her cheek without thinking a few weeks prior. His eyes widened considerably as a deep flush spread across his own cheeks, the young dwarf frozen to the spot as his heart threatened to leap out of his chest.
"You're not as hot," she mumbled as her hand moved back down to rest on the bed, a relieved sigh escaping her. "Thank Eru."
Eyes drifting shut again, the young woman almost seemed to fall back asleep in an instant. Kili was sure his heart had never beaten so fast in his entire life, not even when they fell back in Goblin Town and he thought he was going to die. Swallowing heavily, he stared at the tired young woman as his hand came up to rest on his beard where she'd touched it, only one dizzying thought racing in his mind.
She-she touched my beard. Why in Durin's name did she touch my beard?
Blinking as her right hand came up, the young woman rubbed her eyes before pushing herself upright with a wince. Breathing heavily through her nose for a moment, Cirashala's tired gaze landed on the two piles of clothing at the foot of the large bed.
"She said she'd wake me up when the clothes were dry," the exhausted young woman murmured to herself, oblivious to the incredibly flustered dwarf lying next to her. "Why didn't she wake me up?"
Kili shifted awkwardly on the bed, when he suddenly felt the feeling of bare legs against the sheets, and bare….other things under his nightshirt. Freezing as realization dawned on him, the young prince felt his cheeks turn crimson as he became aware of just how little clothing he was actually wearing. Gripping the quilt tightly around him in response, his wide gaze focused on her pillow and avoided hers.
"C-Cira," he stammered after a moment, unsure of what to say as his mouth went dry. She glanced back down at him in confusion, the young woman only just seeming to fully realize he was there. "W-why….why did you…"
"Hm?" she asked, sleep still heavy in her eyes. Kili swallowed nervously as her eyes followed his hand to his beard, his whole body trembling with nervousness. "Oh, I was just checking to see if you still had a fever."The young dwarf glanced up in confusion as she got off the bed, still yawning.
Checking for a fever?
Gripping the bedpost as she swayed for a second, she steadied herself before moving toward the now clean clothes. Picking up one of the piles, she returned to the side of the bed, laying the bundle next to the young prince.
"These are yours," she said quietly. "I-we washed them all. I'll get dressed in the other room."
Kili glanced down as she went to get her own pile. The sight of his long underwear in the bundle lying on the quilt brought the strange conversation with Meril back in the forefront his mind, and the previous feelings of anger and betrayal surfaced within him.
She is your sister, after all.
Still holding the quilt and nightshirt tightly about his waist, the young prince pushed himself up off the straw tick into a sitting position, before his dark gaze moved toward the young woman.
"Do I really look like a human to you?" he asked quietly, hurt and anger in his voice as he looked up at her. The young woman froze halfway to the door, turning toward him with her own blue eyes wide with shock.
"What?" she replied, confusion in her voice as sleep left her.
"Why did you tell her I was your brother?" he replied angrily, taking care to keep his voice low so as to not be overheard. Cirashala's eyes widened considerably, and she quickly shook her head.
"What? No, you don't understand—" she began, but the angry young dwarf cut her off.
"Is it my beard?" he asked, the hurt evident in his tone. "Or is it because I am not strong enough?"
Cirashala's jaw dropped as she stared at him in utter shock, the pile of clothing in her arms falling to the floor.
"No!" she cried, tears filling up her eyes. "No, you look like a dwarf!"
"Then why did you tell her I was your brother?" he asked again, throat constricting. "The only way I could be your brother is if I were a human, not a dwarf. If she thinks me your brother, then she must take me for a human!"
"But I didn't tell her you were a human!" she replied, a tear falling down her cheek.
"That's the only thing I could—" he began, but she cut him off as tears trailed down her cheeks.
"No, I told her I was a dwarf!"
Kili's eyes widened as far as they would go as he stared at her in shock, jaw dropping as the ability to speak nearly left him entirely.
"You…. said you were a dwarf?" he whispered, stunned beyond recognition.
"She wasn't going to help us," Cirashala replied, the young woman visibly trembling as she held her arms about her. "I told her you were my brother so she would!"
All anger left Kili's gaze, replaced with astonishment. Dwarves were, by all counts, considered lower than elves, men, and hobbits by the rest of the free folk. The term like a dwarf was often one of contempt amongst those not of his own kin, and it was also a great offense to many of their own people when uttered from the mouths of other races. For her to say she was a dwarf…
"Y-you are very strong," she stammered quickly, eyes boring a hole into the floor as her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. "I-I couldn't even find the broken parts of your ribs at first because your muscles were too thick. A-and your beard is a very handsome one! It's not…it's not very long yet, but it's very well shaped and very thick, it looks very good on you, and given a little time I'm sure it would rival even Gloin's in magnificence!"
Kili could swear his heart stopped beating entirely as he stared at the apologetic young woman, her words swirling in his mind faster than anything he'd ever pondered.
She thinks my beard is…as magnificent as Gloin's?
Thick and long, Gloin's beard was the envy of every dwarf who'd ever come across his path. The only one to ever rival it that Kili had ever heard of was his own great grandfather's, which was so thick that many gems and golden angles could be weaved into the intricate locks. He'd heard rumor that the reason Gloin had married so young was because his beard was so highly praised and full that, even at a young age, the ladies could not leave him alone. Dwarves only love once, and many broken hearts were left in his cousin's wake as a result.
Cirashala sniffled in front of him, but his incoherent mind could not put two words together if his life depended on it.
"I-I'm sorry, my lord," she whispered as she hastily scooped up the bundle of clothing into her arms. "I didn't mean to insult you, I-please forgive me!" The young dwarf's eyes widened in panic as she hurried to the door, her eyes downcast as tears streamed down her cheeks. Realizing she was about to leave the room believing she'd insulted him, Kili frantically scrambled to the edge of the bed, every last shred of anger forgotten.
"Cira, wait!"
The door shut behind her, and the young dwarf found himself staring forlornly at wooden planks. A wide range of intense emotions swirled in his chest, but after a moment one stood out amongst the rest. It was like the love he had for his brother and mother and uncle, and yet very different. He loved his family with all his heart, but this…it was far stronger than anything he'd ever felt before in his life.
A shaking hand reached up to rest on the wooden door, and the young dwarf's forehead rested against it. Kili swallowed heavily, the words she'd spoken going through his mind as clear as day as he trembled. The young woman had left the room thinking she'd insulted him in the worst way possible. But in fact, she'd given him the greatest compliment a girl had ever given him, the greatest anyone could have ever given him.
"No," he whispered, hot tears beginning to run down his cheeks as he sank to his knees, realization finally settling in. A muffled sob escaped him as his whole body shook, the hand not propped up on the door fisting in the edge of his nightshirt as the front of it grew damp. "No, Mahal please no!"
The young dwarf crumpled against the bottom of the door, feeling like a knife had been plunged deep into his heart. He'd heard whispers amongst his kin growing up, whispers of a pain unlike any other- worse than any injury or hurt one could sustain in battle. For this was a grievous hurt that would never heal. But he never understood how it was possible for something to hurt this much- until now.
He had finally found the one woman he would ever love. And he could not have her.
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A response to guest reviewer Kaia: Azog won't- he's already ahead of them and heading to Dol Guldur. And don't worry about Beorn either ;)
Thanks to all who review, favorite, and follow- you guys are so amazing! And I hope you stay with me even if I can't update until after Christmas (sewing machine got back today) :D :D :D