Wow, okay thank you so much for the feedback. Please keep them coming. Feel like I should put a warning up…This is not going to be a happy story. Lots of angst but I hope you still like it.

Enjoy!

I'm Not Fine

Josh considered leaving the hotel and disappearing but could not think where he would go so instead he returned to his office, turning his cell off and put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door. He sat on the window ledge, his head leaning against the glass as he stared out into the night sky. None of felt real…It felt like a dream that he couldn't just wake up from.

He didn't move when there was a knock on the door and didn't turn at the sound of a key card being activated.

Leo looked towards the younger man; trying to get an idea on how bad the situation was before he spoke. He quietly pushed the door closed and walked closer towards him. His conversation with the rest of the staff was running through his mind. They said he had trashed a room and no one knew why. They said he had been acting strange…that he had mentioned windows.

"How did you get a key to my room?" Josh was the one to break the silence but he still didn't move.

"I have my ways…" Leo answered. "You want to talk about what's going on?"

Josh stayed silent but Leo saw him close his eyes and started to bang his head lightly against the glass.

"Josh…"

"I don't want to talk about it." He said roughly. "I don't want to do this."

"I don't really think you've got a choice." Leo stepped even closer to him. "What happened?"

"I don't…"

"Josh." Leo cut him off. "What happened?"

"It's all gone wrong…" He whispered. "It wasn't meant to be like this…This is my time…My campaign…My chance to be the guy and do everything I've ever wanted."

"What's gone wrong?" Leo questioned. "It can't be that bad…"

This time Josh did turn and the look on his face caused Leo's heart to beat a little faster. He looked completely defeated…Lost…Broken.

"The doctor…" Josh started but stopped, unable to finish the sentence.

Leo's eyes widened slightly at the words. He knew Josh had had an appointment with his doctor. It was one that he had regularly a few times a year and over the past couple of years, it had become something no one worried about.

"It wasn't meant to come back, Leo…" Josh continued, shaking his head. "I beat it…I won…It wasn't meant to come back."

Leo ran a hand over his mouth as he struggled to breathe properly. He then placed a shaky hand on Josh's shoulder.

"It'll be alright…We'll fix this." He claimed. "We'll beat this again."

Josh shook his head. "I can't…"

"We will." Leo said more firmly. "We will."

"No, Leo…It's too late…too much…"

"What?"

"There's nothing that's going to stop it…No treatment." Josh admitted. "I'm going to die."

"No, that can't be right." Leo stated. "You must have heard the doctor wrong…"

"Leo…"

"No!" His gripped tightened on Josh's shoulder. "You listen to me…everything is going to be okay…this is just a misunderstanding."

Josh pushed himself to his feet and walked over his bag, bending down to grab the information the doctor had given him. "He gave me these…Why would he if it didn't mean…"

Leo took them, slowly looking at each of them. "He could be wrong…We'll get another doctor…"

"It's not going to change anything." Josh said frustrated. "It's not going to make it go away…"

"With today's treatment, who knows what they can do." Leo continued. "The sooner you start…"

"I'm not."

Leo frowned. "Not what?"

"I'm not having the treatment." Josh informed him. "I've decided it's not worth it."

Leo's mouth fell open. "Are you stupid?!"

"I've been thinking about this all day…"

"It's cancer, Josh!" Leo explained. "You've got to fight it! You can't give up!"

"You're not listening to me! I can't fight it!"

"It says here, the treatment can help prolong your life…" Leo held up on leaflet. "It can stop it from progressing…"

"Prolong it for what, Leo?" Josh questioned. "I've waited my whole life to do this job and I've worked damn hard to get here…If I have treatment then I will have to quit..."

"There is more to life than your career, Josh."

"No, Leo there is not…Not for me…not really." He shook his head. "I get what you're saying…There are people that I love…That I would do anything for but doing what I'm doing now is what I've dreamed of."

"You would do anything for the people you love….Would you die for them?"

Josh frowned a little at the question. "Yes…"

"Then live them." Leo pleaded. "Don't give up…Not yet."

"God…You make it sound like I'm holding a gun to my head and you're trying to talk me out of pulling the trigger."

"Aren't I?"

"If it was a case of having the treatment and praying that it worked, then it would be a different story but it's not going to work, Leo…" He shook his head. "I'm not going to beat it, so I'm changing the game…I'm going to win another way."

"What does that mean?"

"Anyone could walk out of their house and get hit by bus…or suddenly have a heart attack…people die just like that with no warning what so ever." Josh ran a hand through his hair. "At least I know that I'm going….At least I can plan and do what I want before I do go…"

Leo shock his head slightly, unsure what to say. He didn't know what to think. It seemed impossible that there was nothing that he could do to make this go away. He had been so used to having the power to fix most things but now he was helpless.

"You cannot just sit back and let this consume you."

"Leo, you're not getting it…I'm not letting it consume me...there is nothing I can do to get rid of the cancer but I damn well make sure that I have no regrets."

"The congressman won't allow you to miss treatment for his campaign."

"I know…That's why I'm not going to tell him."

"You can't be serious."

"He doesn't need to know."

"You think you can stop him finding out?" Leo asked. "He will somehow and he's going to pissed that you kept it from him."

"He won't because I'm not telling anyone." Josh claimed. "If you weren't here now, I probably wouldn't have told you."

"This is crazy…You're not thinking straight."

Josh sat down on the bed and looked up at him. "I just want to make the most of my life…I want the last thing I ever do to be making sure the right man is sat in the Oval Office."

"You cannot do this alone." Leo claimed. "You cannot pretend this is not happening…You have to deal with it."

"I am but I'm doing my way." Josh insisted. "Please, Leo…please listen to what I'm saying…I want to do this and I want to do without people treating me like I'm dying."

"Josh…"

"No one is going to know what to say or do around me and it won't take long for the press to get hold of it….I don't want this campaign to become about me and about this."

There was a knock on the door but they both ignored it.

"Please, Leo…" Josh pleaded. "Please, tell me you understand what I'm saying."

There was another knock, this time a little louder. "Josh?"

He turned at the sound of Donna's voice and stared at the door in surprise.

"Okay…" Leo eventually said. "I won't tell anyone…I'll keep it a secret."

Josh looked back at him and sighed in relief. "Thank you."

"But there are some conditions." Leo warned. "You have to be responsible…No working 22 hours a day…You got to try and at least take it a little easy."

Josh nodded a little; he had figured he wouldn't be able to over work even if he wanted to. "Okay…"

"Josh?!" Donna knocked again.

"And you have to tell her."

"What? No…"

"You have to tell her, Josh…" Leo walked past him and to the door to open it. "Sorry about that…"

Donna looked between the two men curiously. "Am I interrupting?"

"No, just talking campaign stuff." Leo gave her a reassuring smile.

"Well, I just come to see if everything was okay." She replied and then turned to Josh. "See if you need anything…"

"No, I'm fine."

"Actually, would you mind getting us some ice?" Leo grabbed the empty bucket from the table. "There's a machine down the hall."

Donna looked between the two of them; knowing there was something going on but she knew better to push. If it was just Josh she might try but things were different Leo were involved.

"Okay…" She nodded. "I'll be right back."

"Thanks." Leo flashed another smile.

They both watched her leaving the room in silence before turning to each other.

"Leo…"

"You have to tell her."

"But…"

"You have to tell her."

"Leo!"

"Josh." Leo's voice was calm and firm. "You have to."

He dropped down to sit on the end of the bed and covered his face with his hands. "It'll only hurt her."

Leo sighed and sat down beside himself. "Of course it will…but it'll hurt even more if you don't."

Josh stayed silent with his head down.

"I don't know exactly what happened between the two of you but you need to talk." Leo advised. "You know I will be here for you every step of the way and in any way you need me…but you need more…you deserve more….Talk to her, Josh…Even if it's just getting your friendship back on track…"

"We're fine…"

"Just trust me, don't let this become a regret because she's the one that has to live with it." Leo warned.

There was another knock on the door before Josh could reply.

"I'll leave you too it…" Leo stood up. "Call if you need me…for anything…at any time."

"Thanks." Josh said quietly, watching Leo crossing the room.

"Remember what I said." Leo added, before opening the door.

"Ice." Donna held the bucket out to him.

"Thanks." Leo took it but set it down. "Come on in…"

She stepped into the room as Leo stepped out. "I'll see you in the morning…"

Donna frowned when he closed the door and then looked back to Josh, who was studying the floor. "Y'know, you could have just said I was interrupting…I wouldn't have minded…You didn't need to send me for ice."

"You know how Leo is." Josh shrugged and forced himself to his feet.

"Are you okay?" Donna blurted out before she could change her mind. "I mean, Lou said..."

"Lou said I trashed the meeting room." Josh finished off. "I know…I did."

"Why?"

"Because life sucks." He sighed and ran a hand over his hair. "Look, Donna…We need to talk."

TBC

How much do you hate a cliffhanger like that? *Runs away and hides.*