I've got plenty of time on my hands, so expect longer chapters =) The longest chapter thus far.
Zero had returned home and upon seeing our new addition, had not bothered to mince his words, nor mask the irritation in his voice. "What the hell is that?"
"Zero!" I had snarled at him. "Please mind your language." I almost laughed at his reaction, which was not totally unexpected. Zero did not take kindly to having people in his apartment. It was only recently that I had been the first to break the record.
Zero leaned over the sleeping boy, with curiosity on his face. "Honestly, what the hell is this doing here?" The way he spoke, it was as if he was talking about a piece of furniture that I had carelessly left in the middle of nowhere.
Helpfully, I informed him, "It's a boy." I grinned at him.
He glared at me and told me flatly, "I'm neither stupid nor blind. Who is he?"
"Our neighbour."
"What's he doing here?"
"I'm babysitting him."
"Then bring him back to your apartment instead."
I pouted. "Hey… What's yours is mine. So this is my apartment too."
"Since when?"
I feigned an angered gasp and pouted even more. I refused to look at him, even as he took me into his arms and started to stroke my hair. He nuzzled my neck softly, his warm breath tickling me.
His lips on my neck struck a thought in me. "Are you thirsty?"
His body froze for a moment before he shook his head and held me closer.
How could I have been so stupid? Just because he doesn't ask for it, doesn't mean he isn't. And bringing a child here is torturing him further.
"I lasted years, what's one day to me," he reassured me.
"Sorry, I forgot."
He bit his bottom lip. "I'm going to take a shower," he mumbled. I sat on the bed, patting Shota's head as he blissfully slept on. Yori had to cover someone at work that day so I, being so inconsiderate to Zero, had considerately and happily agreed to help Yori babysit Shota. I had forgotten about his… complication. Just as I was thinking of spending the day with Shota myself without Zero, my handsome Greek god stepped out of the bathroom, damp hair, toned body and all. I felt my cheeks turn 20 shades of pink darker. He still had that effect on me, although we've been… well, acquainted in various ways by then.
"So, what do you plan to do today? With the boy?" Zero asked, as he ruffled through the closet.
"Umm… I was thinking of going to the movies, then maybe to the park. It's okay, I'll take him. You don't have to come."
He squinted at me, as though confused. "Why not?"
"Well… You're tired and you need your rest. I'll come by tonight, alright."
"But the boy's sleeping on my bed right now."
"I'll wake him up now."
He looked at me with that expression again.
"What?"
"It's not like you to be so inconsiderate to others, what more to a kid."
"Well… I should have been more considerate towards you. I'm really sorry…" I gave him a hug.
"Two wrongs don't make a right, so why not you make it up to me tonight," he gave me a devilish grin, the kind that sent shivers down my spine, the kind that made me warm with anticipation for whatever he had in mind, that kind of excitement was stoked by the fact that his muscular body was holding mine in a comfortably possessive way and his warm breath was tickling my neck and ears all at once, sending tingling sensations over the rest of my body.
I leaned up to kiss him.
He leaned away, that smirk on his face. "That's your punishment." Then turned away from me and pulled his shirt on, then went to the couch to lie down. I went towards him but he gave me a pointed look. "It's not big enough for both of us. Go next to your new boyfriend instead." His voice was annoyingly amused. Though I was glad that he found this situation amusing, it was frustrating to be 'punished' this way. Fine. I'll show him.
I laid down next to Shota and hugged him, sticking out my tongue at Zero. He rolled his eyes at me and turned his back to me.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Each step I took was terrible, thanks to that hour-long nap on the cramped couch, which was disrupted when the boy woke up and Yuki decided that we should all go for a day out. So here I was, being dragged all over town, first, to the little café at the corner of the street. I watched as the both of them peered over the counter, troubling over which flavours to choose from. And watching the both of them, made me think of something I shouldn't have thought of.
It was a simple thought, if I were human, that thought would be something good. But because I am this monster, this thought was forbidden. Yet, I couldn't help but continue that train of thought.
What if I could rebuild a family? A new one. With Yuki. Yuki, can we be a family?
As I watched both of them tasting the different flavours, I wondered about a house, a family, playing out in the garden. Thoughts I had no right to think. I should have known better than allow myself to continue it. But that train of thought, images and fantasies flashing in my mind, were like those idiotic reality television shows. They seem real, but in truth, it's all fake. But you couldn't help but continue watching, just as how I couldn't help it but continue dreaming. Stupid fool.
I paid for their orders. The girl behind the cashier asked, "Nothing for daddy?" Yuki overheard, laughed, and pinched my cheek. "He doesn't have a sweet tooth." I glared at the girl, grunted my coffee order to her, shoved her some bills and trudged back to our booth.
Yuki held out a scoop of her ice cream to me, I shook my head at first but she glared at me. "Take it." I couldn't resist her, even if I was supposed to be 'punishing' her. "See, he's not scary at all is he?" she smiled and tapped my nose. "He thinks you're very scary," she informed me. Wow, I did not know that at all, seeing as the boy was staring at me as if I were the Loch Ness Monster, keeping as far a distance away from me throughout the walk to the café.
"Zero, smile," she tried to command me. I scowled at her. "Hey!" I continued sipping my coffee. She pouted. The little boy giggled at our interaction. Bewildered as I was, what was important to me was that this made Yuki laugh. And her laugh was all that mattered to me. "Shota, tell Zero oniichan your name." "But… You've told him already." I snorted. I'm beginning to like this kid.
"How old are you?" I asked him. His eyes widened a little. He hadn't expected me to address him directly. He then held out his hand, counting his little fingers "One, two, tree, foh!" and waved four fingers in my face. "Do you like your ice-cream?" He smiled, and nodded vigorously.
I watched the both of them exchange questions and answers.
Do you like your ice-cream?
*Vigorous nodding*
What's your favourite flavour?
Chocolate! What's yours oniichan?
Hmm… Mint.
Why aren't you having any?
They don't have that flavour here.
Try mine?
I watched as the boy held out a spoon of ice-cream to him and watched Zero give a shadow of a smile as he ate it. And watching the both of them, made me think of something I shouldn't have thought of. Zero, can we be a family? I watched the both of them continuing their Q&A session, wondering about my imaginary family, where Zero's the daddy and I'm the mummy. A family to replace the one we both lost. Family picnics in the garden, outings to the zoo, camping trips, vacations. The boy would be as handsome as Zero; the girl should look like me. They should have Zero's bone structure, height, brains, athleticism, strength and courage and everything else. Because Zero was perfect.
But these were thoughts I had no right to think of. Thoughts that should have been kicked out the moment they came in. Because Zero is too perfect for me. Because Zero deserves so much better than me.
Shota finished his ice-cream and the three of us stood up. Zero held his hand as we walked together to the park. And these thoughts came unbidden again. I imagined him teaching our children to walk and catching them when they fall, teaching our non-existent children how to play football or basketball or whatever sports it was he liked second best. No way would I let my kids hold a gun, whether or not it was Zero's favourite activity.
"What are you daydreaming about?"
I linked my arm with his and leaned on his shoulder. Perfect. You always tell me that you're a monster. But to me, you're the most perfect man. We watched Shota run about the playground. Both of us together, in silence. What are you thinking, Zero?
She was leaning on my shoulders. We looked like a perfect family, the three of us. A boy who was merely a neighbour. A monster of a man. And the silly woman stupid enough to love that monster. I wanted to savour this moment. Savour it, while it lasted.
I never knew I was capable of feeling this way. I didn't know I was worthy of feeling bliss like this. I still don't believe I am qualified to be loved this way. It felt as if I was cheating, earning a stolen victory, getting something I didn't deserve. I didn't deserve her love, so overwhelmingly selfless and unconditional.
She shifted in my arms. Don't get too comfortable, Yuki. Not around me. You're too perfect for me.
I let go of her and got up, walking towards Shota who had been sitting sullenly on the ground for some time now. "What's wrong?" He didn't answer me, but he looked to a group of kids, cycling. "Why don't you go play with them?" "I don't know how to ride a bike."
The group spotted him and he quickly looked downwards. I heard snatches of their mutterings. 'Father didn't want him,' 'no daddy,' 'my mum says his mother….' Shota walked away. I picked him up. "Why not I teach you to?" He looked at me questioningly, and nodded hesitantly. We went to rent one and I proceeded to teach him, just as how I remember my dead father teaching me once upon a time.
"Zero?"
"What?"
"I always thought you were scary."
"Am I?"
"Not really."
"Why not?"
He turned to look at me. "Because you don't look scary like this."
True. He was in his teddy bear pyjamas. I was in my oversized grey tee and shorts. Not exactly the most intimidating scene. In fact, this might be the first time in a long while I'm even wearing anything to bed, but I'm not about to tell a 5-year-old this.
"Why is Yuki taking so long?"
He had asked me for a bedtime story. I had pushed the responsibility to Yuki instead. And now the both of us were waiting for her to complete her nightly ritual of whatever it is she does to come out.
"Yuki! Story!" he exclaimed happily.
She slid into bed, next to Shota.
She looked at me, her eyes so soft and warm. I looked away, knowing that of all people, I didn't deserve that the most. "What story do you want?" "Anything."
"Once upon a not so long time ago, there was this prince. One day, an army from the rival kingdom invaded his palace. He lost his family that day. He was still so small, but he managed to escape. But the witch with that rival army had placed a curse on him."
I grimaced inwardly. Prince? Me? Are you fucking kidding me? Yuki, you're a princess, my princess. But that doesn't make me a prince.
"What kind of curse?" Shota asked.
I replied, "He would end up hurting anyone who came near him. So he kept everyone away from him. He lived alone and didn't have friends."
Yuki continued, "But one day, he met a girl."
"He didn't want to and he tried to push her away." I butted in.
"He tried to forget her, tried to make her leave him by yelling at her, scolding her and being so mean to her; but he failed." She reached over to give me a light pinch on the cheek.
"Why did he fail?" Shota asked.
"Tell him, Zero. Why did the prince fail?" She turned to smile at me.
I hesitated. "Because… she was… kind. She was… good to him. She was…" I couldn't bring myself to say the word. She was everything I craved but couldn't possibly have. She was everything I needed but would be a sin for me to have. She was everything. My everything.
"Because she didn't let him. He always thought that since he would hurt the people near him, he shouldn't have anyone near him. So he tried but she didn't let him push her away." She continued.
"Wasn't she afraid of getting hurt?" I asked. I stole a glance at her. Weren't you afraid? Of me?
"No, she wasn't."
"Why not?" Shota asked. Fantastic question. One I wanted to know myself.
"Because, she could tell that… the prince was lonely. He was sad. He might act as if it's all fine, but he's not fine. She could tell, the prince needed someone."
"How could she tell?"
She paused, just for a moment. "He had those petrifying eyes…"
"What is peh-tri-fah…" Shota attempted to understand.
"Sorry, Shota-chan. Umm…" she turned my head to face her, looking at me in the eye, trying to look for the simplest words to describe them. I tried to avert her gaze.
"Beautifully complicated. When she looked into his eyes, she could feel his pain." She let go of me and I quickly turned away, refusing to let her make me vulnerable again.
"The girl had magical powers. She could feel what others are feeling." I mentioned sarcastically.
"What happens next?" Shota asked.
"What now?" I asked, still unable to face her.
There was an uncomfortable silence.
"They lived happily ever after," Yuki finally concluded.
My insides lurched, I tasted bitterness on my tongue, and this sharp pain erupted throughout my body. Happily ever after? What happily ever after? What happily ever after can I possibly give you? I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry. If I were to turn back time, I would have chosen never to even have met you, never to have pulled you down this road to hell with me.
"How come? I thought he was cursed."
"He killed the witch who cursed him. And that ended the curse."
Baby, you and I both know that's not how it works. I'm still cursed.
"So they could live together forever and ever?"
I couldn't see what Yuki did, I assume she nodded. "Go to sleep now, Shota. Your mother is coming soon."
You do know, don't you, how this would end. I cannot give you that family we dream of. I know that you want a family; you want children, even if it were just one child. But even if I can give those to you, it would only be temporary. I don't want my child to be bullied about not having a father, just like Shota was bullied. I don't want you to work several jobs a day just to support our child, like Yori does. I don't want my child to grow up, watching you pick up the pieces of the life I had left you to shoulder alone.
That is not a happily ever after.
Though the scenario I pictured then didn't happen, how our relationship ended, was no happily ever after either. But given a choice, I would have picked this ending over my imagined ending. Because I still loved you, still couldn't bear the thought of you suffering. I would rather suffer alone than make you suffer with me.
Screw fairy tales. The princess betrayed the prince. And the prince continued living to die another day. This was my 'happily ever after'.
A/N
This was completed at 2.11 AM so I apologize for any mistakes, grammatical, poetical, nonsensical or OOC-ness.
Please alert me if you spot any and I'll try my best to rectify them.