As soon as Daryl pulled out of the driveway he felt tears streaming down his face. He couldn't believe what just happened. But then again, he thought, he could. Hadn't everything good in his life always been taken away?
He wasn't going let that happen, though. Not this time. He cared too much about Beth to let her slip through his fingers. He didn't know how he'd live without her for the next few days, but he decided he'd give her the space she needed to clear things up with her family. And then they'd work things out. They had to, he thought. The thought of being without her was too much to take.
When he pulled into his apartment, he was struck with a feeling of emptiness. This place was so unfamiliar – the few days he'd actually spend there held few memories for Daryl, especially since he'd been drunk. But those memories he did have were of deep sadness and loss. He couldn't go back to that place again, it wasn't over between him and Beth and he wouldn't let his own feelings of insecurity push her away. He'd lost himself in his grief over her once, but he wouldn't do that again. Things would be okay, he told himself. They would.
He thought back on what he'd told Beth in the driveway.
'I can't do this.'
'It'll never work.'
He didn't feel those things now. And he needed to let Beth know. And he needed to let her know right away. He thought about going back to her house to talk to her, but realized he couldn't. And she was probably too busy for a phone conversation too, he thought, although he'd give about anything to hear her voice, if only just for a few moments. He'd just text her, he thought, and she could respond when and if she got a chance. That'd have to be enough, at least for now.
He grabbed his phone, the one he really only used to talk to Beth, and started typing out a somewhat frantic message.
Hey baby. I'm sorry about everything. I know we can work it out. I'll do anything.
I can't be without you.
He wanted to tell her he loved her. That maybe he'd loved her since the first day they met. But that was too much, he thought. He was afraid of scaring her off if he said too much. Hadn't they just, that very afternoon, admitted their feelings for one another? He couldn't launch into admissions of love just yet – she was dealing with enough right now and didn't need an awkwardly premature proclamation of love causing her more stress or confusion.
He sent the message and, after waiting for a few moments for a response and then realizing she was probably too busy talking to her uncle to respond, he tried to busy himself about his apartment. He hadn't been there long enough since his Walmart trip to set anything up, although he had dropped all the items off a couple of weeks ago on one of his brief trips there – they had been stuffed into the back of his truck for too long and he didn't want to clutter up Beth's house with all those bags. Daryl set about unpacking and setting up some of the things he'd bought for his place – putting sheets and a bedspread onto his bed, cutting tags off of new towels and folding them for the bathroom. He also unpacked things he'd gotten for the kitchen, silverware, plates and glasses, and a toaster and coffee maker. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he's gotten these things, he thought.
Daryl thought back to that night he'd gone to Walmart, which had been several weeks ago now, although it felt like a lifetime. He hardly recognized himself as the same man he'd been then. Then, he'd been willing to give up on things with Beth, too afraid of being honest with her for fear of more rejection. He'd felt dejected after what had happened between them – she'd freaked out and he'd been incredibly hurt by her reaction to him. Now, though, he understood why she'd reacted the way she had. And he had gotten much closer to her now. And he was too close now to push her away the way he'd tried to before. No, now he was certain just how much he needed her and how desperate he was to know that things were alright between them.
He busied himself for a while, trying to take his mind off of Beth but falling horribly short of that. After finishing his chores he checked on his supply of clean work clothes, most of which, he now realized, were still at Beth's. He knew he could make it a few days without those, though, if it took that long for him to get them back from her house. He tried to watch TV, but couldn't help but wonder about what things would be like now that he was back at his own apartment. His entire relationship with Beth had been based around him living under the same roof as her – how would things change now that they weren't? He reasoned that they would lose a lot of those little private moments that he'd grown so accustomed to, those normal everyday things that they did together that made him feel so comfortable with her. He was lost in his worries about what his new normal with Beth look like when he heard his phone ding, indicating he had a message, and as he walked to pick it up, it sounded again. He saw that he had two messages from Beth. And as he read them, he simultaneously smiled and felt incredibly sad.
I miss you already. I'll work this out. Don't worry. I just need to know that you're alright... And that we are alright.
I can't be without you either.
The next few days went by painfully slow for Daryl. He realized just how codependent he'd become on Beth. He didn't really know what to do with himself without her – and although he knew it seemed crazy, he couldn't do anything without considering what Beth would want to do, even though she wasn't there. On Saturday night, after a long day of trying to keep his mind off of the situation, he decided to go out for some dinner. He'd never been one to want to go to a restaurant, sit down, and eat alone. But he needed to get out of his apartment – it was depressing to be there alone and he was sure some fresh air would do him some good. On the way, though, he couldn't help but ponder what Beth would want for dinner. And he knew in that moment how incredibly lost he was without her.
Sunday went by just as slowly, but it helped that he'd exchanged a few messages with Beth throughout the day. They were just short texts, but for Daryl, they kept him going, kept him optimistic about how things would turn out. Monday was a bit better of a day since he had to work and he was actually able to throw himself into focusing on his work and his workers, which was a welcome change from the weekend. He was a bit bothered, though, when he got into his truck at the end of the day and saw several messages from Beth. Apparently her dad had come into town, complicating things even further, Daryl guessed, although Beth gave him no details about what was happening. He spent the rest of his night worrying about her, and praying to a God that he hoped was listening that she would be alright and that they would get through this bump in the road.
Somehow, he actually cajoled himself to sleep somewhat early, knowing that the week ahead would be long and that he'd deprived himself of sleep enough over the past few nights as he laid awake worrying about Beth.
And all of a sudden, sometime in the middle of the night, she was there. Beth was there. And she was sliding into bed next to him, wrapping herself around him, smiling down at him as he looked at her questioningly. He wasn't sure how she'd gotten in at first, although he realized quickly that he'd given her his spare key. He also wasn't sure that he wasn't dreaming, but in that moment he wasn't sure he cared, as long as he didn't wake up. He pulled her as close as he physically could, closing every bit of space between them, realizing how much sweeter this was with her now that they'd been apart for several days. They didn't speak, not for a long time, but just stayed there, holding each other, drifting in and out of sleep.
Daryl woke up to Beth's face hovering over his, her fingers ghosting over his chest, a tiny smile registering on her lips and in her eyes. She seemed so at peace and even though he wanted to ask her what was going on, why she'd appeared there all of a sudden, and a million other things, he couldn't. He was content to just have this with her, for however long it lasted.
And then she was kissing him, gently and sweetly, but with so much depth and love that it nearly broke Daryl's heart, only because he knew that eventually it would end. He wished that time would just stand still in those moments, and that he could just stay there like this with her. If they only had this, even if it was for the rest of his life, he thought, it would be enough.
But then she whispered something that he knew he'd never forget as long as he lived.
"I love you".
He felt a smile spread across his face, looking up at her with the same sweet emotions that he saw in her returned gaze. He felt like he could finally breathe, he finally knew that Beth loved him. And loved this woman, he thought, he loved her so much that it made him feel like he might explode if he didn't tell her. He wanted to yell it out, tell her how relieved he was that she felt the same way. But for some reason, something held him back. He couldn't say it, he realized, not yet. Not now.
So he held her close, and he kissed her more deeply. He'd show her, he thought. If he couldn't find the words, he'd express his love through his actions. He'd kiss her, and hold her, and touch her, and hopefully she'd know – hopefully she'd see that he loved her too.
"Make love to me, Daryl" Beth pleaded softly into his ear.
And he was lost. Hopelessly lost in her and in how strongly he felt about her and in the joy of that moment. He thought briefly about telling her no, or trying to discuss it with her. Was it really a good idea, he wondered? Were they ready to take that kind of a step? Would she regret it? Was she just feeling emotional after everything that had gone on the last few days with her family? He didn't know the answers to any of those things, but he knew he couldn't turn her down. And he didn't want to. He loved her and he wanted her to know.
Beth started kissing him again slowly, not waiting for his response. Their kisses stayed slow, but the intensity quickly escalated, becoming almost desperate as Daryl's tongue brushed against hers and his hands moved into her hair. He'd never felt like this before, never wanted to make love to someone the way he wanted to with Beth. He'd never cared much about taking his time, or being particularly sweet or gentle. But he wanted to do that with Beth, for Beth – he didn't want to rush, wanted to savor every second they had together. He still had those same reservations he always had – the questions about why Beth would ever want to give herself over to someone like him. But he pushed those to the back of his mind. The last few weeks had taught him to trust himself with her, and to trust what they had together.
Beth started to kiss his neck, slowly moving her way down towards his chest, which she was still running her fingers over tenderly. She kissed the tattoo that rested right over his heart, the one that bore his grandfather's name. She kept kissing, kept touching; her movements were slow and sweet, not hurried. But Daryl needed more – he loved Beth touching him, kissing him, but he needed to touch her, to feel her soft skin under his fingertips.
He rolled them over, positioning himself slightly on top of her now, his body slightly to the side of hers, her tiny leg resting in between both of his. And he kissed her again, realizing he'd never get over how wonderful her lips felt on his, how right they felt being together like this. He moved his kisses onto her neck, and then slowly to the top of her chest, just above the top of her worn t-shirt. Daryl gathered the hem of her shirt in his hand, raising it up just enough to run his hand up and under it, ghosting his fingers over the skin on her stomach before finally, torturously trailing upwards to capture one of her breasts. He smiled a little, having known she wouldn't be wearing a bra – she rarely did, it seemed. But he obviously didn't mind.
She moaned out his name, more of a breath than anything, and he thought he might explode inside of his boxers, just hearing her, feeling her, and watching her enjoy the sensations of his fingertips on her skin. And in that moment, Daryl didn't want to think about anything else other than this – no consequences, no regrets, no looking back, just forward.
He took his time touching her, caressing her, loving her – he moved from breast to breast and back again. He knew how much this would arouse her, especially after what happened Friday, when he'd brought her to orgasm just from touching her like this. But he wanted to see her now, her beautiful body and his fingers moving over it. He pulled the hem of her shirt up further, tugging on it a bit, signaling to Beth that he wanted to take it off. She gladly complied, helping him by leaning up slightly and raising her arms as much as she could, allowing him to peel the shirt from her body. And God, now he couldn't help himself from bringing his lips down onto her breast, taking one of her nipples into his mouth, licking and sucking, and loving the moans that started to escape her lips with more and more frequency.
Beth smiled down at him, a mixture of lust and love filling her eyes, and in that moment, Daryl wanted to do everything he could to show her how much he loved her. And he wanted to make her feel good, wanted to help her forget about all of the pain of the last weeks. He slowly slid his hand down her soft stomach, running his fingers tenderly over her shorts, those tiny shorts that she always wore that Daryl thought looked more like glorified underwear. He loved the way they showcased her beautiful legs and her cute little butt. But now, he wanted them gone, wanted to touch her and smell her desire and just enjoy every part of her.
He shifted above her, moving down on the bed and onto his knees, straddling Beth. He hooked his fingers into both sides of both her shorts and her panties. Suddenly, though, he looked up at her, maybe a bit cautiously, realizing suddenly now that this is where things had gone wrong for them, all those weeks ago when they'd first gotten physical with one another. But Beth just gave him a small nod and he knew that this was really nothing like what had happened before.
He slid her shorts and panties off and while he wished he could have drawn things out a little more, his fingers went straight towards that small strip of blonde curls, the bottom of which was already glistening with evidence of her desire for him. He nudged her thighs a bit further apart, giving him complete access to her, loving the sight of her now, totally naked and open to him. His hand slid down to her beautiful pink bundle of nerves, circling his middle finger slowly around it. He felt her moving against him, just a tiny bit, but just enough for him to notice and to feel himself grow even harder inside of his underwear. Her eyes were closed now, but Daryl loved the look on her face, the look of sheer pleasure. He continued touching, occasionally dipping his finger carefully into her to gather as much wetness as he could, rubbing it along the length of her. He pulled back the flesh there to reveal her most sensitive part, barely touching her, causing her to jerk a bit uncontrollably. She moaned, almost continuously now, growing louder and louder, moving her hips against his fingers. He wanted to be inside of her, he was almost desperate now – but first, he wanted to give her as much pleasure as he could, bringing her to a first climax just through the touch of his hand. She deserved as much pleasure and joy as he could give, Daryl thought, and he planned to give her everything he could.
She fell over the edge quickly, much more quickly than Daryl expected. He was also surprised that almost immediately she was pawing at his underwear, pushing it down and grasping her hand around him, causing an uncontrolled curse to escape his lips. Daryl wasn't sure he could ever get over the feeling of seeing Beth holding onto his manhood, caressing it, admiring it. And he was incredibly fearful then that he really was just dreaming.
He stood up quickly, letting his underwear drop completely off and onto the floor before taking his place back on the bed, this time, directly on top of Beth. She was moaning with need again and he was surprised at how unbelievably wet she still was. Her kisses were needy now, full of lust and desire and she was moving her hips against him again, her movements seemingly urging Daryl on, begging him to act, to push himself inside of her. And he knew he couldn't wait another minute longer to give her what she was asking for, what they were both longing for.
He'd never admit it to Beth, at least not any time soon, but he realized in those first moments that his favorite part of making love to her, other than the incredible feeling of being one with her, was watching her face as he pushed inside of her time after time. Her beautiful face was incredibly expressive and he found sheer joy in watching her expressions change with her increasing arousal.
This wasn't like any sex he'd ever had before, he thought. It was slow and steady and loving and he couldn't help but think how beautiful it all was. He was attentive to Beth, and she, in turn, was also attentive to him, as they adjusted to one another, moving together. It wasn't like a normal first time – they were two people that seemed to know each other completely, easily anticipating the needs of the other. He was overcome with the feelings of pleasure, but even more than that, the feelings of love and true devotion that filled his heart. As he moved against Beth, pushed himself into her over and over, he felt a sense of completion, of fulfillment like he'd never had before. He knew he was gone then, lost in Beth and that he'd never feel like this about anyone else again. And he was truly hopeful and excited about what the rest of their lives together would hold. This sudden surge of emotions was strange to Daryl, sex hadn't ever been like this before – he'd never been one of having all these types of feelings or overt sentiments. But something about Beth brought it out in him. And although he almost felt like a sissy for having such an emotional overture, he really didn't care.
Daryl watched Beth's face as he tried to move her closer and closer to falling over the edge, feeling himself drawing her to that edge, trying to control his release until he knew she was close. He wasn't sure how much longer he could last, between Beth loudly moaning his name and her beautiful blue eyes locked on his, he felt himself teetering on the edge of what he knew would be the best orgasm of his life. And then there she was with him, jumping over that edge, pulsating and throbbing around him, pulling him over the edge with her.
He was in a state of sheer bliss as they, together, rode out their climaxes. She pulled him close to her for a moment, burying her face into his shoulder, seemingly savoring every last moment she could. Eventually he pulled away, settling down against her on the bed, trying to control his breathing but pulling her back into him, enveloping her with his limbs.
And they both fell asleep quickly, just like that, sweaty and exhausted, but fully satiated with what they'd just shared together, both physically and emotionally.
Daryl woke up hours later, quickly remembering he and Beth's love making and smiling to himself as he thought back on it. He rolled over towards her, only to find that she wasn't there. He quickly rose, hoping she was just in the bathroom, or maybe in the kitchen making coffee, but after a frantic search of his small apartment he realized that she was gone. It was only then that he noticed the envelope with his name on it that had been left on his bedside table.
He wasn't anxious at first – he knew after what he and Beth had just shared that their relationship was stronger than ever. They were in love, he thought, and he couldn't help the giddy grin that formed on his face. He wondered though, as he opened the envelope, what would have caused Beth to leave so early this morning, without saying goodbye.
Daryl,
This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you last night everything that this letter contains - I'm not emotionally strong enough, and, well, I think I was just selfish, wanting to have one last happy moment with you before I go. I need something to carry be through our time apart. Making love to you was the most joyous moment of my life. I can never tell you how much light you have brought into my life, especially in a time of so much darkness.
I'm going away for a little while. My family and my doctor think it's for the best. I'm still not completely sure, but I do know that since the drowning I've still felt like I was living under some sort of black cloud and I have to get out from under it. I can't live this way. And I look forward to coming back to you in a few weeks, hopefully healed, and we can start things back, together.
My doctor has recommended that I go to an inpatient treatment facility that specializes in depression stemming from traumatic events. It is called The Healing Place and it's in Florida. The program lasts 6 weeks, which is why there isn't a lot of time for me to wait to go - if I want to start school on time in the fall then I need to go immediately. My father is driving me back to Georgia today and will drive me to the facility tomorrow. I will start my treatments immediately.
My doctor has expressed some very real concerns that I haven't received any formal treatment for what I went through, and after talking to him about my plans to start my student teaching in August he is worried that my depression over that little girl's death could spill over into my working with children at school.
I'm so sorry how all of this worked out. The things my uncle said about you were horrible – and I'm dealing with a lot of guilt about all of that. I promise you that when I come back things will be better – and I won't let anyone get in between us, I promise. I want you to know how much I care about you and how grateful I am for everything you've done for me over the last weeks. Even though my father didn't initially care to hear all the details, my doctor said that the things you have done for me probably saved my life. And after hearing more about everything you did to help me, to save me, my family seems to have warmed up to the idea of you and I.
This wasn't the first traumatic event of my life, Daryl. I've told you almost every possible thing about me, but I'm sorry that I was too much of a coward to tell you about everything. I tried to commit suicide several years ago. That's where that terrible scar on my wrist came from - not from a bed of broken shells like I told you. I've struggled with depression for a long time. Meeting you, though, and hearing about your life has made something inside of me snap. More than ever I want to move passed all of these bad things and have a genuinely happy life. And I want to do that with you.
I am truly optimistic about this program, although my heart is breaking thinking about being away from you for so long. They even have a music therapy program, which is what inevitably sold me on going to this specific one. My doctor is hopeful that, through music, I can learn to deal better with my emotions.
I can write to you, although not every day, and I'm not completely sure how often. They actually encourage writing as a means of therapy, a way to communicate feelings and emotions to those close to you. You won't be able to write to me, though. I will try to write to you as much as I can.
I've got to finish this up so that I can get going before you wake up – you may never understand but I'm just not good with goodbyes. This isn't goodbye though.
I want you to know that if all of this is too much for you, I will try to find some way to understand. And if, after all that has happened, you just don't think you can be with me, I will try to let you go. But I hope to see you soon. I'll be counting the days.
What I told you last night is true – I love you. And it's okay if I'm a little ahead of you in saying it. I want you to wait until you're ready. I hope these weeks will go by quickly and then we can be together again, and start the rest of our lives, together.
I love you and I'll be seeing you,
Beth
Daryl stared at the letter for a long time, before letting it drop out of his hands and onto the floor of his bedroom. Tears were streaming down his face now and he couldn't control them. He was glad Beth's letter seemed so optimistic, but his minded swirled around one sole thing.
Beth was gone. He hadn't told her he loved her. And how he'd have to wait.