Just going to leave this here….

I'm Not Fine

Josh pushed himself off the bed, trying not to wake Donna, his muscles felt heavy and tight; he felt 10 years older than he did last week but he wasn't sure whether that was because of the hard campaign, the cancer or if it was all in his mind now he knew that he was sick again.

He glanced back down at Donna, relieved she had stayed asleep. He had no idea how long he held her in his arms until she eventfully cried herself to sleep. Although, he was certain about his feelings for her, so much so he could truthfully declare his love for her; he still couldn't help but feel like a jerk for putting her through all this.

She had always been dedicated to him and her own career but he knew she wanted a marriage and children too someday. The idea of her having all that with another man tore him apart but there was no way he could give her all that now. He hated himself for not realizing how much he had been risking all this time. He should have learnt his lesson the first time he had cancer… Hell, he should have done something after the shooting, after Gaza…

"Josh?"

"It's still early….Go back to sleep." He whispered. "I'm just going to jump in the shower…"

Donna pushed herself up on her elbows and squinted on at the digital alarm clock on the bedside table. "Josh, its 4am…"

"I can't sleep…" He shrugged. "I've got some reading to do before I meet up with the Congressman this morning…"

"What you meeting him about?"

"He wants to discuss Ellie's wedding." Josh answered. "I get the feeling he's not sure what to expect…I mean, he's been to the White House before but never for such a big social event like this."

"I could talk to him about it." She offered.

He looked up from the phone to her and thought over her offer. He'd love to skip this meeting and Donna was perfect at this sort of thing but he shook his head anyway. "I should do it…The congressman asked me too and he's already unhappy with Leo and I disappearing yesterday…skipping the meeting will just make it worse."

"You should talk to him." She sat up.

"Hmmm…" Josh's attention was back on his phone.

"Josh." She knelt on the bed and reached to him, one hand gripping onto his t-shirt and placing the other on top of his phone to cover the screen.

"What?"

"You should talk to the Congressman…"

"Well, we're not doing the meeting in sign language."

"You know what I mean…"

"No."

"Josh…"

"Donna, we've been through this…" He shook his head and moved away from her.

"Don't you think he would understand?" She got to her feet. "He would want to help…"

"I know he would…" Josh said in frustration. "God, Donna… I know what he will want to do and that's why I don't want to tell him…"

"Josh…"

"Everyone knowing is not going to change anything." He stated. "I'm not going to change my mind about the treatment, so what's the point in disrupting the campaign?"

Donna stayed where she was while Josh went into the bathroom. She waited for a few minutes but when she didn't hear the shower turn on, she crossed the room. She saw him stood in front of the mirror, his hands gripping onto the small counter as he stared at his own reflection.

"So, what's the plan?" She leaned against the doorframe; continuing when his eyes meet hers in the mirror. "I mean, I know how important this campaign is to you and while I hate that you're refusing treatment that will…"

"It won't..." Josh tried to interrupt.

"…That will make you more comfortable…make sure you're not in pain." She talked over him. "But I understand why you want to…need to do this."

"You do?"

"I know you, Josh…" She claimed. "But what happens in November? Once all this is over…"

"I don't know…" He looked away. "I haven't really thought that far ahead."

"God willing, Matthew Santos while be the President-Elect and there is no doubt in anyone's mind that he will offer you Chief of Staff…No, not offer…He and everyone else are just assuming you're going to be his Chief of Staff…"

"I'll talk to him…Tell him I'm taking a break from politics…and then…I don't know but none of that matters right now." He claimed.

"What if you don't make it to the election, Josh?" She whispered, fighting the tears that were burning in her eyes at just the thought of losing him. "What if you collapse or catch a virus… what if the staff, the President, the First Lady… Toby, C.J and Sam all have to find out about this from the news banner on CNN?"

"I'll be fine…"

"And your mother?"

"Don't…" He whispered, shaking his head a little and looking away, breaking eye contact.

"Are you going to tell her?" She questioned and saw him visibly tense. "Are you even going to see her while we're down here?"

Tears burned in his eyes and a lump rose in his throat that felt like it was going to choke him.

"She deserves…"

"Stop…"

"But Josh…"

"Just stop." He snapped, pushed away from the counter and ran a hand through his hair. "Just please…stop."

She had to force herself not to say anymore and just watched as he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to stop the tears….She didn't even bother to hide hers. She didn't want to add any more stress to his already hectic life but he needed to know that it wasn't a time for him to protect everyone else…It was time for everyone to rally around him.

She sighed after a few more seconds and couldn't stand the silence any longer.

"Josh…" She whispered, moving over to him and gently pulled his hands away from his eyes. "I'm sorry…I just…. I just don't want you going through this alone…not when you don't have to."

"I'm not going through it alone…" His voice was rough with emotion. "Am I?"

She tightened the hold she had on his hands. "Of course not…I'll always be here and you know Leo will do anything for you…"

His eyes closed and he leaned forward until his forehead rested against her. "That's all I need for now…"

"For now?" She questioned hopefully.

"Yeah, for now…" He repeated. "I just…I just need to get to Election Day…I just need to do this."

She laced her fingers through his and then brought both his hands up to her lips, placing a soft kiss on is scrapped knuckles where he had trashed the hotel room a couple of days ago.

"You have so many people that care about you." She said softly but he didn't reply nor open his eyes. "You do know that, don't you?"

He still didn't answer but did open his eyes and she saw unshed tears in his eyes that she knew he'd refused to let slip down his face.

"Josh?" She prompted again.

"It hasn't really felt like it lately." He whispered.

"Oh Josh…"

He suddenly pulled away from her and moved back to the shower, turning it on. "It's fine…everyone is busy…I've been busy…Everyone has their own lives…We've all moved on."

"They would want to know." She tried to assure him.

He glanced back at her. "It still won't change anything…I'll still have cancer…It'll still be untreatable….I still don't want anyone to know."

"They're still your friends, Josh." She said softly.

"I know." He replied but she could hear in his voice that he didn't truly believe her.

"Josh…"

"I really need to get showered and get to work." He cut in.

"Okay…" She wanted nothing more than to keep talking until she had convinced him how many people really did care about him but she knew him and was worried he'd push her away like everyone else. "I'll order us some breakfast…"

"I'm really not hungry."

"You need to eat…"

"I'll get something later." He insisted. "Really, Donna…I'm fine."

"You're not fine."

"Donna…"

"I'm going to order us some breakfast…" She cut in, turning and walking towards the door. "Just in case you do feel hungry when you're done in the shower…"

Josh let out a sigh and leaned back against the counter as she left him alone in the bathroom. He rubbed his eyes, hoping it would ease the pain that was already starting in his head. He was tired, he ached and he was angry that he had to go through…Angry that people he cared about had to go through this too.

TBC

A/N – Okay, so I know it's been a long time. 2 and a half year! I could hardly believe it when I check to see when this story was last updated. I never intended that but I'm back…sort of.

I rewatch The West Wing at least once a year and about a year ago, I re-started writing this story during my rewatch. I currently have the next 15 chapter written and for once in my life I've actually planned the whole story, what's happening in each chapter, ect… By my plans, I have about another 15 yet to write…. This story was never meant to be this long and has turned into a bit of a monster.

But here's the thing… It's taken me a year to get these 15 written and during that time, I've had a job promotion and my life has become a bit hetic with family and personal stuff. Then last month, my laptop died and I'm currently using a borrowed one that is about as fast as a snail, making writing a little more difficult and I lost part of the story, which I had rewrite.

I had originally planned not to publish any new chapters until I had completely finished but with everything being a bit crazy, I wanted to put out least one chapter out there to see if anyone is still interested in this story. I am determined to finish this series and if people are still reading then I'll try my best to get it done as quickly as possible.I know is a short chapter and if there people still reading then there will be more posted soon!

And it might seem like I'm begging for reviews but they do inspire me and it's been killing me not posting a chapter as soon as I'm doing… So, please inspire me to write more often!