A/N

Loooong hiatus coz life's been a bitchy rollercoaster lately. This is post-almost-kiss, and the situation that Zero flashes back to occurs that very night.
Been missing the feel of writing but I've had to adjust to certain personal circumstances that I'm still adjusting to and writing this has helped me a lot.
It's been more than a year since I started and it seems here as if Zero and Yuki are still in that time warp.
So hope that you all still like the story so far! If you don't, constructive criticism is still very much appreciated.

"You changed the locks," you glared at me. I looked away.
"Why?" Don't look up Zero, don't. Or else you will feel that inexplicable pain again.
"Answer me." I could hear the tears in your voice. Please. Please don't. I'm not worthy of your tears.
Still unable to look at you, I tried to push past.
You caught my arm, "At least… tell me why. Why are you so cold so sudden?"
It was my mistake. I'm sorry.
My mistake for even allowing myself to feel what little comfort you brought me.
My mistake for allowing you to come in, just so I could fall asleep more peacefully.
My mistake for allowing you to worm your way into my consciousness.
My mistake for allowing you to allow me into your life.

And then you wrapped your arms around me.
And that pain… that sweet pain.
That bitter joy, that warm chill down my spine.
How could you do that to me?
How could you make me depend on you the way I have, yet torment me with knowledge that you love me? Those eyes of yours stare at me with such warmth, but after that split-second warm joy, I go cold, thinking that one day, I might have to watch the light go out of your eyes while your blood cover my hands. Those arms of yours hold me tightly now might go limp in my own hands one day. That sweet voice of yours speaks those words that gave temporary meaning to my existence, but one day, they might be begging me to stop draining you.

I can't.
I can't do this to you.
No matter how much I'm losing sleep, how the nightmares have returned ten-fold, how they're bloodier than ever, how the pain of the transformation is practically killing me. No matter how much I need you to ease that pain. No matter how I realise how much I need you. I can't.

"You've been coming home later than usual. You didn't come home for two weeks the other time. You changed your locks, now I can't get in. Tell me, Zero. Did I do anything wrong? Tell me, I won't do it again, I promise."

I shuddered. Those words… and in that tone so heart-rending.
Please, don't.
I'm the one in the wrong, not you.
I'm the guilty one.
"Let go," I finally uttered. Let go of me so that you can love someone else. Let go of me so that you can live well. You looked up at me, holding my face in your hands. I averted my eyes, savouring the warmth of your fingertips at the same time. Please, don't let me go.

"If you really wanted to kick me out of your life, you would've moved out, not played this cat and mouse game with me. If you truly wanted to avoid me, you could've just used me and dumped me, or pick up some girl to come home with you, or just told me straight. The reason why you're still coming back home is because deep down, you still want me near. I promised to take care of you, I promised to heal you! I don't want anything from you, I just want…"

I cut her off. I'm afraid if she continues talking, she'll paint even more vivid pictures in my head of something beyond my reach.
"No." No, we shouldn't.
No, I don't want this.
No, I don't need this.
No, I don't need you.
I cupped her chin in my hand, and steeled myself to say a few words.
"Why should I bother myself moving out over nothing? What? You think I only pick up girls at the bar? I don't have to. They come themselves. Anywhere, anytime. I've slept around and many girls have slept next to me. So don't go thinking you're special just because I allowed you in. It's girls like you that I don't like. Show them a little and they want more, they think they're more than what they are. It's annoying. Please don't go there," I hissed
I'm rambling, I know. But I've tried everything to get her to stop loving me, tried everything to stop myself from loving her. I'm desperate, desperate to stop the girl I long for from loving me in return.

Your hurt eyes turned defiant. I pulled away. You caught my sleeve and uttered words that almost broke my resolve. I stopped in my steps.
My mind is saying, "I'm sorry, I can't permit you to turn around to her."
My body is saying, "I'm sorry, I'm too petrified to move right now."
My heart is saying, "I'm sorry that I allowed you to need her."
Everything is failing me. I don't even know what the bloody fuck love is, how could my heart know.
This was getting out of hand.

"I just want to be with you." I felt myself crumble at your words, as your fingers slowly loosened. I maintained, rooted to the spot. Such simple words, holding so much promise, holding everything I wanted, holding everything I cannot have.
"I'll be here," you whispered. You closed your door. I released a breath I didn't know I was holding. I turned to look at her closed door, the heaviness in my chest increasing exponentially.

How could I tell you these things that I myself can't explain in words?
How can I explain my condition to you, when I myself am still taking my time in coming to terms with it?
How would you accept me like this, when I myself can't accept this condition of mine?
I can't continue deluding myself the way I did that night, when I almost kissed you. If I had, it would have been more difficult than it already is.
Because now, every time I think of you, which is all the time, I can't help but think of Clara and Haru.

It was that night when I walked out on you that I met them. My encounter with them lasted less than 5 hours, but it reminded me how it would be like to lose everything again.
I had been walking the streets in the pouring rain, trying to make sense of these feelings I didn't recognise. And then, there it was… the scent of blood. And there was Haru, slumped in the alleyway. Vampire, a level D or E, or somewhere in between. He turned to me and saw the gun in my hand. And ran.

I gave chase, but this chase felt different. It felt as if he was not trying to lose me, instead trying to lead me somewhere. Every time he turned a corner, he looked back and slowed down, as if to make sure I was still on him. And he didn't run aimlessly either, he had a destination. And sure enough, that destination was a small house. And inside the house, the stench of blood was overwhelming.

The chase ended at the bedroom, where I found him cradling a woman. A dead, bled dry woman.
"Kill me." Haru said.
His response was… highly unusual but familiar, as if I know it.
As if I've felt it before.
"Why?"
"Hurry! Before I lose it again!" His body was starting to tremble. But I could identify the tone of his voice; it sounds like mine. Exactly like mine.
"You're not on the list, Haru Ryozaki."
He closed his eyes, "It will be. I killed my wife." He held Clara tightly.
"Kill me, please."
The association had been keeping tabs on him, a Level D living with his human wife, it was a recipe for disaster and we were just waiting in the shadows. Who knew that his first victim would be his beloved wife.
"Have you lost everything before, hunter?"
I didn't answer him, his story was too familiar and I couldn't trust myself to say the words right.
"Have you ever loved?"
"I don't know what that is."
"Her love was the one thing that kept me sane. Love is warm, kind and unselfish. Love is always there, unrelenting, through everything. Love is protective and fierce, stubborn and unwilling to let go."
I kept quiet, trembling inside. But his words all pointed to you, Yuki.
You're love.

"And I took her life. With my own hands," he held up his blood-covered hands. His voice was cracking as he held his wife's dead body.
"She died in my arms… here. She loved me and I took everything from her. I don't deserve to live. Kill me."
"You could have run away. Most do."
"I don't want to live. So kill me."
"Why don't you want to live?"
"There's no point in running and living like an animal. I lost it for the first time tonight, and now… I've lost everything. There's nothing to live for so just fucking kill me!" he screamed at me.
And in my mind, all I could picture was me in Haru's position, holding you in my arms and begging to die.

Haru saw it in my eyes.
"Hunter-san, love that girl of yours. Love her well."
"You've never heard of me, have you?"
"Hunters are hunters; just kill me and get it over with please." He kissed Clara's forehead gently then put his forehead to the barrel of my gun.
"I'll join you now, Clara. Please forgive me," he whispered, clutching his wife's hand.
I knew what had to be done, and I knew that if I were him, I would have shot myself there and then already. So I did the merciful thing and pulled the trigger.
Because I knew how it was like to watch everything in your life disappear, then live with the aftermath.
Death seems a better option.

His cruel words pierced through me, making me want to shut my ears and think back to the voice I thought I heard while tipsy, telling me I was beautiful.
His emotionless face made me want to close my eyes and think back of the face that had looked almost warm that night.
And his lies, made me want to scream at him for speaking them, made me want to hold him tight, reassuring him that he will never need to lie to me nor lie to himself ever again.

"I just want to be with you,"; "I'll be here".
Kuran Yuki,
These words were meant to be lies as well, how come you're feeling the accompanying bitterness of longing for him.
This will end painfully for you, Yuki.
Quit now, what's the worst that can happen?
I won't be able to be near him again, I won't be able to touch him again, I won't be able to keep my promise of being here for him.
And I couldn't bear that thought.
He's had so much taken away from him, how could I do that to him again.
He might not want you there anyway, his words of casual women aren't lies.
No, he's lying. If I was just casual, he had so many nights' worth of opportunities and he didn't do a thing. He's better than that. He's lying.
Men lie. And that's what he is. He's merely a man, not even a perfect one at that. You're more than human, and a Pureblood to boot. He's nothing, he's broken, he's unworthy.
He's flawed, yes. But I love him nonetheless.
Why?

I don't know. How could I love a man so completely different from me, how could I love a man so tainted and broken, so harsh and cruel, yet so warm.
How can I love someone whom I can never be with.

My encounter with her had left me weary, in a way that is alien to me. This weariness isn't from the hunger, isn't from the sleep loss, isn't from the overwork. I don't know why, but thinking of her left me mentally exhausted… and something else I don't know how to describe, besides the fact that it left me shivering… and longing.

I couldn't identify the longing. Is it lust?
I'm not sure. Lust, I could satisfy with any woman. But for some reason, I didn't want just any woman. I pushed the niggling conclusion to the back of my mind. No point bringing it up when I'm on the job.
I leaned against the wall, nonchalant.
There he was, about to go in for the kill. And that girl doesn't even know it, that the man she's holding isn't human. Reminds me much of her; brunette, brown-eyed and blindly ignorant. I walked towards them. He never saw me coming as I knifed him with my switchblade just enough to weaken him and pulled him off her when he staggered. "Sorry about my friend, he's had too much to drink," I told that bewildered girl. I pulled him through to the toilets, he struggled, cursing at me.

He glared defiantly at me, clutching his side where I had wounded him.
"Kill me, I dare you to. I'm a class C, she was willing, I haven't broken the law."
"The previous one wasn't." And I pulled the trigger.

She was willing.
Those words, struck me.
Yuki, would you be willing to stay with me, throughout all this bullshit.
The idea itself scares me.
I wished you would be willing, but I knew the nightmare that would ensue if you did.

I'm done for the day and I should leave now.
I came out, and was promptly accosted by the girl that pile of dust had been dancing with.
"Where's he?"
"He's not feeling well. He's left."
"That's not good enough."
I walked away, enough bullshit for the day.
"But you are," she said as she pulled me to her, laying on the moves.
Kaito would have called this killing two birds with one stone – get the job done, and getting another job on.
Usually I'd give him the universal salute and proceed to do the exact opposite of whatever he would do.
But this time, I agreed. Killing two birds with one stone – get the job done, and getting over with.

I watched Yuki from the corner of my eye. I knew she was looking.
I watched her tense as this girl wrapped her arms around my neck.
I saw her bite her lip, this pained expression across her face, as this girl pulled my head down.
And I saw her look away, blinking back tears as this girl kissed me.
Get over me, Yuki. Over and done with.

Her lips on mine, her arms around me, her hands in my hair.
I wished those lips, those arms, those hands were yours, Yuki.
Then I felt myself being dragged away, and Kaito saying, "He'll be all yours in a few minutes, babe."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he hissed as he threw me onto the bar stool.
Even Carl came over, putting down two drinks in front of us. On the house, I'm assuming.
I drank in silence.
"What are you trying to play at, Kiryuu? If you're gonna do it, do it properly. It's pathetic." Kaito berated me. "Look at me, Kiryuu. You're not even convincing. How're you going to convince your precious neighbour that you're a manwhore?" I glared at him, ready to ruin his face.
"She's not here, she went to the store," Carl informed us.
"Do you think we're blind, Kiryuu? You fucking asshole. You've been behaving less fucked-up lately thanks to her, do you think Chairman and I not know why. Hell, Carl knows. So why are you fucking yourself up now?" Kaito wasn't backing down.
That's it. I stood up. Carl pushed me back down.
"Listen Kiryuu. She's a great girl, and she obviously has something towards you. And you obviously have something towards her. Don't do this to yourself."
"So? My life's fucked up as it is, makes no difference." I got up to leave, back home. My grand plan seemed ridiculously juvenile now.
Kaito grabbed me by the collar.
"You're much stronger than this. You could've pushed me away when I dragged you away from hottie over there but you didn't. You didn't want her badly enough. I've never seen you pull this kind of stunt before; you must be pretty damn scared of her if you're so desperate to get it on with some ho. If you're gonna screw Yuki over, you have to put more effort into it. You have to believe it. But once you choose to do this, she'll never forgive you. "
That strengthened my resolve.
Good.
Don't ever forgive me, Yuki. Don't.

Her fingers are tangled in his hair. The hair I stroke as he lays down to sleep.
She's kissing his lips. Those lips I almost kissed; those lips that kissed my forehead.
This unfamiliar… pain spread through me.
I'm a princess. I've never been betrayed. He's not mine, I tried telling myself, so it can't be considered a betrayal. But if this isn't the feeling of betrayal, it's got to be pretty damn close.
I tried to blink back the hot tears forming.
My breath came out in gasps, as this lump in my throat makes it so hard to breathe.
I can't watch. But I need to look at him.

Maria dragged me to the store room.
"He's not worth it."
I let the tears roll, "It's not that. It's nothing, Maria."
She pulled me to her, as I leaned on her shoulder. She's a new girl I barely know, but I just need a shoulder to cry on right now.
I give up, Uncle Rido. Take me out. Take me home to Kaname. Kaname would never hurt me.
But then again, I don't think I'll ever love Kaname, the way I love Zero.
"I'm fine," I sniffed, managing a smile at Maria. "Thank you."

I came out, only to find him and that bombshell making out in the middle of the dance floor, oblivious to everyone else.
I started shivering.
All I could see were his arms around her, hands roving down her curves, the fact that he didn't even need to breathe while kissing her.
"HEY MISS!" someone yelled at me. Startled, I swung around, crashing the row of glasses behind.
My brain couldn't even comprehend what my body just did. All that it saw was that he threw one last glance at the commotion I had caused and led the girl out of the bar.
Carl came over, "Go home, Yuki. It's okay. We'll clear up."
"No, I'm fine."

I can't go home to noises of love-making coming from his room.
"Come with me then," Maria offered me.
"No. I'm fine," I smiled to her.
The one skill I've learnt as a princess is that no matter how shit your day is, a smile is your best weapon and shield.
It works against your enemies, aggravating them that they haven't upset you.
It works for you, protecting you from thinking about it too much and being even more upset.
So I continued working, even though I keep seeing Zero's face everywhere.

I took the girl out.
"Your place or mine?" she asked, already hailing a cab.
"Yours." Standard MO.
She pulled me into the cab, telling the driver her address.
I wasn't listening, I wasn't even looking.

Because in my head, all I could hear was silence. When I saw how Yuki looked at me, everything else fell away. All I could see was that expression, her lips pursed in a line, her sad eyes as she bowed her head, looking away. All I could hear was that deafening silence of her sadness, as this girl whose name I didn't catch was all over me, available and willing. And she's still at it, kissing me.

She held my face and told me pointedly.
"Look here pretty boy, I'm not forcing you to be here but if you're gonna stay, you'd better be focused," she was sobering up, noticing that my focus wasn't on her.
She straddled me, continuing to kiss me.
"Forget everything else tonight. You look like you need some cheering up. And I've heard I'm good entertainment."
She ran her fingers under my shirt, using her other hand to undo the buttons.
"You're far too cute to be unhappy. Whatever it is, just for tonight, you can let go."
Let go.
That's right, I'm doing this to let go, let go of all the fantasies that didn't used to exist, let go of all the dreams that I never even dreamt of having, let go and go back to a time when I didn't know how it would feel to have Yuki in my life.
And before Yuki, a random fuck once in a while was normal.

"My place is nearer."

A/N

I tried to describe Yuki's feelings as vividly as I could, having felt it myself before. But happier times are ahead for Zero and Yuki, so readers stay tuned!