I have not forgotten this story…I did however, think I updated last week! Sorry about that…So, I've put the next chapters together. Please review!

Enjoy!

I'm Not Fine

Donna knocked on the door quietly and took a small step back, chewing on her thumb nail. She didn't know why she was nervous. Marie Lyman had called her to ask her to come over and she had always enjoyed spending time with the older woman but with everything that had happened lately, she had a feeling this wasn't going to be a good meeting.

When the door opened and Donna was greeted by an exhausted looking Marie, she knew Josh had been honest with her about the cancer.

"Donna, honey…" She gave her a weak smile. "I'm sorry for calling so early…"

"Its past 7am…This is normally considered mid-morning on a campaign trail…" Donna joked lightly.

"I think you've been spending too much time with my son," Marie replied and stepped aside to allow Donna into the condo.

Donna followed her down to the kitchen, glancing into each room they past and listened for any noise that would tell her where Josh was.

"He went to sleep about four hours ago…" Marie guessed who she was looking for. "We talked until pretty late but he could barely stay awake so I sent him to bed."

Donna sighed in relief; at least he was getting some rest but then frowned a little as she watched Marie busy herself by making a pot of coffee.

"Did you get any sleep?" She asked in concern.

Marie only glanced at her and shook her head. "I was going to and then I got distracted…next thing I know the sun is rising…"

"Why don't you go and lie down…" Donna took the mugs out of her hands.

"No, there's no need…I'd rather stay busy." Marie took the mugs back and set them on the counter. "Besides, you don't look like you got much more sleep then I did…"

"It's a busy time."

"Hmm."

"I…I'm guessing he told you?" Donna asked hesitatingly.

Marie's eyes closed briefly and she leaned heavily against the counter.

"I'm so sorry…" Donna whispered. "After everything that has happened, this really doesn't seem fair…"

"Donna." Marie cut in, stopping her rambling. "There is something I need to ask you."

"Of course…You can ask me anything."

"Why are you here?"

Donna blinked at her in confusion. "Well, you called me and asked…"

"But why did you come?" Marie turned to face her. "I know you and Josh haven't been all that close lately…"

"You're right...Things haven't been the same with Josh and I since I left the White House but I never stopped caring about him…" Donna told her. "And with what's happening now, just made me realize how much I care about him and how stupid I've been by wasting time."

Marie nodded a little and returned to making the coffee, pouring them both a mug.

"Has…has he said something?" Donna asked.

"He's scared, Donna." Marie handed her a mug, moving past her to sit at the kitchen table. "He spent the last year alone while some of the most important people to him treated him like the enemy…and now he's terrified about what is happening but the last thing he wants is for you to be there just because you felt like you had to be…"

Donna walked to the table, slowly lowering herself into the chair next to Marie, staring a head a little. It tore her up that with everything else Josh was dealing with; he also had doubts about who he could truly rely on.

"I love him." She whispered after a few seconds. "I think I've loved him since I first met him and even when we weren't talking, I still loved him and I thought not seeing him during that time was the worse feeling in the world…until now."

Marie reached over and patted her hand gently. "Donna, can you do me a favor?"

"Of course."

"Talk to him." She pleaded. "Make sure he knows how you truly feel…It'll be the best thing for the both of you."

Donna nodded a little, turning her hand so she could squeeze the older woman's hand using her free one to wipe away some of the tears that had rolled down her face.

"You know, I was never expecting any guests this weekend…" Marie stood up again. "I don't have a whole lot of food in…"

"Oh, don't worry…" Donna started to tell her but Marie shook her head.

"No, I'll just run out to the store…" Marie decided. "Cook up a big breakfast…Joshua has always loved my pancakes…"

"Well, at least let me go to the store…" Donna got to her feet too.

"Honey, do you know where the store is?" Marie asked with a smile. "It's fine…The walk and fresh air will do me some good."

"Are you sure?" Donna questioned again, watching as the other woman put on her coat and picked up her purse. "Is there anything I can do while you're gone?"

"No, just try and relax…It is meant to be your day off, after all." Marie told her. "If Joshua wakes up, can you let him know where I've gone?"

"Of course."

Donna waited until she heard the front door close before she retook her seat back at the table. Trying to figure out how she could convince Josh that not only did she love him and wanted to be there for him but the rest of their friends would want to. As if by fate her cell phone rang and she blinked at surprise when she saw C.J's name flash up on the caller ID.

She hesitated for a second before looking over her shoulder, making sure she was still alone before answering.

"Hello?"

"Donna, hi…" C.J greet cheerfully. "I'm glad I caught you…I know it's early but I wanted to talk to you before I got to the office…You're not busy are you?"

"No, actually the congressman is forcing us to take some time off this weekend…"

"Oh, I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No, I'm sat in Marie Lyman's kitchen…She's going to make pancakes for breakfast…"

C.J snorted a little. "I guess, something never change…"

"Meaning?" Donna frowned a little.

"Well, you said Santos wanted people to take time off but of course there are no breaks for Joshua Lyman ever, let alone during a campaign…"

"It's not like that." Donna protested.

"Just make sure he remembers you're not his assistant anymore…" C.J continued.

"It's really not like that, C.J." Donna insisted, leaning back in her chair. "You really think that little of him?"

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone and Donna wondered whether the connection had been lost.

"C.J?"

"Sorry, I'm here…I just… I didn't mean to sound so…." She stuttered a little, trying to find the right word. "I was joking… and I know how Josh is during a campaign…he gets tunnel vision and forgets about who he asks to do what…but he's doing a great job…everyone thinks so…I'm just sorry we can't do more to help."

"He really is doing a great job…"

"And everything is okay?" C.J questioned. "I mean, has something happened? You are at his Mom's place waiting for breakfast pretty early on in the morning…"

Donna almost smiled at the teasing tone of her friend's voice; knowing what she was hinting at but instead she felt tears in her eyes because everything was not okay.

"Yeah, sure it's fine…There was just something Lou Thornton wanted Josh to see today and I knew how much he wanted to spend time with his mom so I offered to bring it to him instead." Donna lied. "Plus, it gives me chance to catch up with Marie…it's been a while."

"Oh, I thought that maybe now you two are not…"

"Was that why you called?" Donna interrupted, not wanting that discussion to go any further. "To make sure Josh wasn't treating me like an assistant?"

"No, actually…I called about Leo."

"Leo?"

"Yeah, there was a photo taken last night…It's on a couple of websites…"

"What photo?" Donna frowned, reaching down and pulling her laptop from her bag.

"He was with you and the Congressman and his wife…Leaving a restaurant last night." C.J explained. "And I don't know…He just didn't look right…I wanted to make sure he was okay."

"It's been a long couple of weeks but he's doing well…Annabeth is good at making sure he is eating right and resting when he can." Donna claimed, doing a quick search and finding the photo C.J was talking about.

She was relieved that the piece was just about how Matthew Santos had dined out at one of the most popular restaurants in Florida….They dedicated most of the article to the dress Helen Santos was wearing and Leo had only been mentioned to say he had attended but Donna had to admitted he did not look himself. Donna knew though it wasn't because of his own health but because just 15 minutes before, he had been in the restroom with Josh who had barely managed to keep the small bit of dinner he had eaten down. Not long after they returned to the table, Leo was forced to leave since he was sharing a ride back to the hotel with her and the Congressman and not wanting to draw any attention to Josh, he reluctantly followed them out of the restaurant leaving Josh and his Mom to finish their drinks.

Donna wondered if Josh had left with them and had his photo taken, would C.J be calling her in concern about him.

"Really? He's not pushing himself too hard?"

"No, Josh has insisted that no one can add anything to Leo's schedule without going through him…it's actually driven Leo a little crazy…"

"I can imagine." C.J laughed lightly. "It just hasn't been that long since the heart attack and with the travelling, it must be difficult for him to keep in contact with his doctor…"

"It's all under control, C.J…He's taking today's day off to go see someone but really, this is Leo McGarry… He's born to campaign."

"You're right." C.J agreed. "Well, I'm at the office now…"

"I'll let you get on with your work…"

"Donna?"

"Yeah?"

"I really didn't mean anything bad about Josh…" She said softly. "He's like a brother to me…I adore him."

"I know, C.J." Donna felt more tears in her eyes. "Hey, maybe you can call him and bug him like only a sister can…"

Maybe if she could get Josh talking to C.J, Sam or the President, then maybe he would see how he could count on them but although, she was tempted she couldn't break his trust in her by telling them herself.

"I might just do that." C.J laughed out loud. "Now, remember come and see me next time you're in town."

"Of course…Take care and say hi to the President for us." She said just as a sleepy, confused looking Josh stumbled into the kitchen. "Bye…"

"Donna?" He frowned after she hung up. "What are you doing here? Has something happened? Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine." She stood up, reaching out for one of his hands. "Your Mom called me."

His eyebrows rose in surprised. "She did? Why?"

"She just wanted to talk…" Donna shrugged. "She's gone out to get some stuff to make breakfast…And should be back soon."

"Who were you talking to on the phone?"

"C.J." She answered, turning the laptop so he could see the screen. "She was concerned about Leo…Said he didn't look right."

"He looks tired." Josh commented.

"Yeah…" Donna agreed. "That's what I told her… I assured her between you and Annabeth he was being looked after."

"He's seeing his doctor today, right?"

"Yes, Annabeth set it up." She squeezed his hand. "Don't worry about him…He's more concerned about you."

"I know but…"

"He'll be fine." She cut in.

"Okay." He sighed and rubbed his eyes, trying to force himself to wake up more.

"C.J says hi…" Donna pulled him over to the table and pushed him into a chair before standing behind him to massage his shoulders gently. "She's going to call you…"

"Why?" He asked, moaning softly as his muscles started to relax.

"Just to bug you, I think." She smiled. "She misses having you around…"

"Misses someone to yell at?" He mumbled.

Her hand stilled on his shoulders. "Josh."

He opened his eyes and tilted his head back to look up at her, questionably.

"She misses having you, her friend, around…" Donna claimed. "I know you guys haven't seen each other a lot over the last year but do you really not consider them friends anymore?"

Josh sighed quietly. "Of course I consider them my friends…"

"Then why won't you talk to them?"

"Like I said, it's not the same as last time." He claimed. "And it's not like them knowing is going to make a difference…If I can spare them of this then why wouldn't I?"

Donna moved her hand off his shoulders and down his chest, leaning down to hug him from behind, resting her head next to his.

"We're not done with this conversation." She told him softly. "But I'll drop it until after the election."

"Thank you…" He reached up and covered both her hands with one of his. He let his eyes close again as he thought about what his Mom had said to him the night before. "Can we talk?"

"Sure…" She allowed him to unwrap her arms from around his neck and pull her into the empty chair next to him. "What about?"

"Remember the first time I was diagnosed with cancer… When you came to my apartment and I told you…"

"When we had our first kiss and then argued?" She questioned, giving him a small smile. "Yeah, I remember."

"Do you remember what I said to you?" He asked. "About how I felt about you? About what I wanted you to do about your career?"

"I remember." She said quietly.

"I…I still feel the same way, Donna." He whispered. "I mean, I know I care about you….That I love you but I still don't know what our relationship is or if we even have a relationship…"

He was beginning to ramble, trying his best to explain his feelings to her but she was barely paying attention after he said he loved her.

"And you've worked so hard on your career and I'd never forgive myself if I held you back again..."

"Josh…"

"Out of everyone, Donna… I want you to be happy."

"Josh…."

"I don't want to be the one that makes you unhappy…"

"I love you too."

"I just need you to know…" He stopped suddenly and looked at her in surprise. "You what?"

"I love you too."

"You do?"

Any other time, Donna would have been amused by the confused look on his face.

"You know you said you love me, first, right?" She questioned.

"I did?"

"Josh…"

"I do." He said quickly. "I do, love you…"

Donna grinned and took hold of his hand.

"But…" He added causing her smile to fade and she tried to pull her hand away but he held on to it. "I don't want to start something I can't finish…"

"Start something?" She repeated. "Josh, we've spent two of the last three nights together…there has been nine years of us trying to figure out what this is…There's been Rosslyn and Gaza and Cancer…"

"Donna." He stopped by placing a finger on her lips. "I can't give you a happy ending."

She just stared at him; the look in his eyes completely broke her heart. He looked so defeated and she wanted to say or do something to make it go away but there was a lump in her throat that felt like it was choking her.

"I'm bringing a guy in from New York, Ben Josephs…He's got a ton of experience and he knows the Congressman well…" Josh moved his finger from her lips to brush away a few of her tears before sitting back in his chair, cutting all physical contact with her. "I'm going to advise him that if we win in November then Ben would be a good choice for Chief of Staff."

"The Congressman is going to say he wants you and he's going to want to know why you are turning it down." She managed to say in a shaky voice.

"Three campaigns and seven years in the White House is enough." He shrugged. "I'll tell him I want to take a break…That I'm writing a book maybe…"

She nodded, a little and covered her mouth with her hand as she leaned her elbow on the table. She couldn't look at him while she tried to pull herself together.

"I'm tired, Donna." He whispered. "And I want to go home."

She frowned. "Back to DC?"

"No, to Connecticut." He answered. "Mom still owns the house…we talked about it last night…I want to be there."

"Really?" She was pretty surprised about his decision. "I guess, I always thought you thought of Washington has home."

"I do...I love Washington….but…"

"But?" She prompted when he trailed off.

"Promise you won't laugh?" He gave her a shy smiled, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious but continued at her nod. "When I'm there….I feel close to them…To Dad and to Joanie."

"You do?" It wasn't often he talked about his father and rarely about Joanie.

"Yeah, pretty crazy I know…"

"It's not." She assured him.

"I just….When I'm there, it feels different…I feel safe." He stated. "That's where I want to be when I…"

Donna couldn't hold it together anymore; she gripped onto his hand tightly and allowed the tears to fall freely from her eyes.

"I want to be there with you, Josh."

"Donna…"

"I want to be there!"

"You deserve so much more…You're going to be able to walk into a job in the communications department…" He continued. "You've worked so hard since that day you walked into my office and gave yourself a job…You deserve to live the life that you've worked so hard for."

"There's more to life than a career." She argued. "How can you think there is anywhere else I want to be?"

"Donna."

"Please, Josh…" She whispered through the tears. "I remember how you were after Gaza…I remember you dropping everything to fly to Germany, not knowing what was happening to me… I remember everyone asking when you were returning to the White House and you refusing to give an answer…I remember Leo trying to get you back to Washington…I remember it took a Presidential order and my doctor assuring you I was doing well and was due to be discharge just a few days later…"

"It's not the same…" He whispered.

"No? What would have happened if I hadn't been doing so well?" She questioned. "Would you have still left? Would you have risked your job?"

"I would have quit." He admitted quietly. "I wouldn't have been able to leave you."

She moved off her chair and cautiously sat down on his lap, putting her arms around him; relieved when he held onto her tightly.

"I don't want you to put your life on hold for me." He whispered into her hair.

"If I'm with you, it won't be." She answered. "Whether it's a week, a month, a year or 50 years…"

"It's not going to be 50 years…"

"I know."

His grip on her tightened and she felt his body relax slightly. "Okay…"

"I'm not going anywhere, Josh." She whispered, burying her face into his neck "I'm not going to leave you…ever."

"Okay." He said again. "Thank you."

"I love you."

Josh wasn't sure how long they sat there for but he looked down, he saw her eyes was close and wondered whether she had actually fallen asleep. He ran the backs of his fingers across her cheek which was still damp from the tears.

Her eyes flickered open and she looked up at him. He gave her a small smile.

"Do you want to go lie down?" He asked. "You look exhausted."

She sat up and pushed her hair back behind her ears and gave him a small nod. He stood up with her and took hold of her hand but pulled her back to him. One arm went around her waist while he cupped her cheek with the other one.

"I do love you." He told her. "And what I said about this election being the most important thing to me… Well, I was wrong…You're important to me."

"I know…"

"All I was focusing on was my career and having no regrets but in my personal life I know I'm going to have regrets." He admitted, this time it was him with tears in his eyes. "I waited too long to tell you how much you mean to me…I wasted so much time…I regret that."

"It wasn't just you…"

"I always wanted kids…I never imagined it would be while I was still working in the White House…I wanted to be a good father who was there for them no matter what and I was never ready to put anything ahead of my career…I wish I had the time…" He trailed off but continued after a shaky breath. "I wish we could get married… have a bunch of kids and live happily ever…I wish I could give you all that."

"You can….We can." She told him and couldn't resist smiling at the confused look on his face.

"What?"

"Josh, let's get married…"

"Are you crazy?" He stared at her. "The lack of sleep must be getting to you…"

"I'm serious!" She claimed. "I want to get married…I want to marry you…I want to be your wife…"

"But…"

"I know we don't know how long will have together but this is one regret you won't have." She argued.

"You really want to…?"

"Yes."

She held her breath waiting for his answer but instead of saying anything he pulled her in for a deep kiss.

"Is that a yes?" She questioned breathlessly when he pulled back, resting his forehead against hers.

"That's a 'I wish we did this nine years ago'…" He said before giving her another small kiss. "But yes…It's a yes."

She grinned widely. "Your Mom is going to freak."

Josh laughed and pulled her closer to him. "You have no idea."

TBC

YAY for Donna and Josh…Please review!