A/N: POVs are as follows: Zero - Zero - Yuki - Zero - Yuki - Zero - Chairman

Chairman gave me that look again. That look that I've been wary of each time I woke up. The look that meant I had said too much, even in my sleep. That was one of the reasons why I chose to move out at 16, I didn't want to be judged even in my sleep. I didn't want to be pitied over something I had no control over. But the look in his eyes was different from back then. It makes sense, my dreams are different now. I have other fears now. Worse fears.

I was still chained, a precaution to protect me from myself, holding me back from ripping myself apart.
"Zero, you can't stay here forever," he started. I know. But, I'm so… afraid.
There was nothing for me out there, except you.
Nothing that would make me happy, except you.
Nothing that would mean everything to me, except you.
I'm so used to the loneliness that your warmth scared me. I'm so conditioned into thinking that I'm all alone, until you came along. I'm so tired, ready to die, until you took me into your arms and made me feel alive for the first time.

"She knows. I had Yagari tell her about our world. She accepted it well. She'll accept you well too. She'll love you. Why are you doing this to yourself?" Chairman pushed. "You love her, so badly that you dream of her. Why can't you give yourself just that bit of happiness?" I looked up at Chairman. You're so full of ideals, you forget that our world isn't ideal. In an ideal world, I'd be out of here and in her arms in a heartbeat. But this isn't that fairytale, this is reality. Reality is that consequences of each action are more far-reaching than mere temporary bliss.

"Do you know? What I dream of? I dream of holding her, and she's dead in my arms. I can't do that to her," my voice started to crack. Kiryuu, you idiot. You're not allowed to break, not in front of this old fag. Those dreams were so vivid, though. So terrible and such a real possibility that I can't bear to take that risk. I flinched as Chairman pat my head. "Can't you give yourself that chance?" No, I'd rather die a million deaths. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll end up in heaven where I can watch over her and protect her. Maybe I can watch her live happily ever after with someone else, have someone else's children, love someone else. Anyone else, but me.

Chairman was relentless. Every day, he kept pressing the issue. Until one day, he and Kaito hauled me off my back.

"You bastard!" you hit me hard. "Asshole! Jerk! Terrible, terrible person!" you smacked me with each word, your insults getting increasingly ridiculous. I let you, I deserve it. Kaito and Chairman were just staring at this scene slack jawed. I admit, it must be rather surreal watching the top vampire hunter getting hit by a girl half his size. Your small fists didn't hurt one bit, I was just letting you vent. You eventually ran out of insults, but continued hitting me, albeit with less power than before. You glared at me, those beautiful brown eyes of yours narrowed in anger and worry.

You hit my arm, right where Ichiru had stabbed me. It was the only injury that hadn't healed. The only injury that will probably never heal. You probably saw my grimace as you stopped, then lightly touched it. "Does it hurt a lot?" you asked; all the flames of anger gone from your eyes. You bit your lip in worry. I shoved your hands away, hiding my arm behind my back as I felt the wound bleeding again. "No. I'm fine."

You frowned then hit me lightly. "Meanie." I was about to roll my eyes at you and give a smart ass reply when I realized that Chairman and Kaito were still there. I switched to a non-committal shrug and unlocked my door. "Remember to take your meds and clean your wounds and change your bandages and…" Chairman rambled on. My brain disengaged itself after the first few words. I've missed my bed and was unashamed to reveal it as I plonked down right away. You, on the other hand, hung on to every word Chairman was saying, even noting it down on a random piece of paper you found.

Kaito sat on the floor next to my bed and grabbed my arm. The pain shot like electric. Kaito held up his blood-stained hand to show me.
"Why didn't you say something."
"I'm fine. It'll heal by itself. Just give it a couple more days."
Kaito frowned but didn't press further. He jerked his head in your direction, "Maybe she can help, in more ways than one," he winked playfully.
"Fuck off."
"Stake your claim or forever hold your silence," he taunted more.
I held my silence. Kaito frowned at me, "How long are you gonna keep this up? You came back here for her and now you're just gonna continue being a pussy." He paused, gauging my reaction. I know he meant well, but I can't bring myself to be selfish. I've been so… controlled, so paranoid and so cold for so long, I don't know how to be selfish.
He narrowed his eyes. "She loves you."
How would you know? I might just be a… curiosity. Like how I was curious about my own feelings for her, how I was unable to put a label on it; she might be just hanging around to see how this pans out. Just like how I returned just so I could silence the curious ache of not returning. That ache died out the moment I saw her and I wondered how I could've been so foolish in the first place. That longing ache died right away, only to be replaced by dread and fear.
Kaito probably saw it on my face. We grew up together and I wouldn't admit it out loud, but he was practically family. "Man up," he ruffled my hair, just as an older brother would do as he got up and followed Chairman out.

You closed the door then turned to face me. You had calmed down from your earlier physical and verbal assault on me. Now, you couldn't even look at me, as you averted your eyes. "I was worried," you said quietly. I know.
I know because I've seen Chairman reject your calls, heard Kaito complaining about you hounding him, and overheard the hospital staff telling Chairman that you were disrupting their work. My heart, which had just started to beat, started to pound furiously.
"I'm sorry." I truly am. Please look at me. Don't look so sad.
"I kept calling… And I looked for you in all the hospitals. And Yagari told me not to look for you anymore… I was so scared.." You had your head bowed, hiding your tears that I could still hear.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I didn't mean to make you cry. I took one step closer, almost stretching out my hand to stroke your face, stopping myself just in time from touching you.
"Look at me." I took another step towards you. "Please look at me," I almost begged. Your sadness was unbearable. And the fact that it was me who caused it made it worse for me.
You looked up at me. "Don't ever do that again, okay? Promise me." You pulled me into a hug I was unable to return. I want to hold you back, so badly. But is holding you back an indication of promising what you request? I can't promise you anything. Not even the simplest matter. I always thought that this world will continue to spin without me, that even if I die without a trace, nobody would cry for me. I'll just fade out of memory, reduced to nothing. But there you were, trying so hard to look for me, crying so hard over me.
"I'm sorry." I apologized again. "Please don't cry. Not for me," I murmured into her hair, holding back my own feelings.

You're not a curiosity. I have so much more than that for you.
Just as that realization hit, my head began to split. My throat began to burn. My body began to shiver. That was my instant punishment for loving you. I'm in love with you, Yuki. And my body will punish me for it, so that I can't hurt you.
I quickly pushed you away. "I'm sorry," I apologized again, "I'm sorry." I'm sorry for holding you. I'm sorry for thinking that I might have the right to do that. I staggered away from you.
Everything was spinning. I couldn't look straight, couldn't think straight. I hit the wall and dragged myself along it. I kept swallowing, but my throat was so dry and my lips so parched, it only hurt more. "Zero, Zero!" you kept repeating as you tried to guide me to my bed. "Your pills, here," you handed a few to me.
I grabbed them greedily, forcing myself to stomach them, knowing full well that I can't. "You need to go back to the hospital. Let's go," you tried to bring me to the door. I pushed you away strongly, almost violently. "Let go. Please, just leave." I collapsed onto the bed.

"Don't ever do that again, okay? Promise me."

I remembered how I almost went mad, calling each hospital to enquire if there was a Zero Kiryuu admitted. I hung around the bar each night, even though Carl had already told me to take a leave of absence, just in case you or Kaito might come. I spent each waking moment looking for you, calling your cell phone multiple times a day just in case I might catch you at the time you turn it on. I couldn't sleep, trying to figure out where you might be. All those words I didn't say to you, all these feelings I had for you that I didn't understand; if you leave, how would I every know? The thought of never knowing was so terrifying.
That I knew, definitely, that you were more than an infatuation with something new. I have so much more than that for you.

All that fear, all that worry came flooding back. I remembered how it felt like each night, wondering if you were sleeping well, if your nightmares were haunting you, or if you would never wake up again. I looked up at you, your eyes narrowed in concern, your voice full of regret. And I pulled you to me into a hug. My own action surprised me. Hugging someone never came so naturally before, even hugging Kaname. Holding you was instinctual, almost as if my body was programmed to do so. I loved how your body felt like in my arms, almost as if you were made to measure. You didn't return my hug, but you didn't push me away either.

"I'm sorry. Please don't cry, not for me," I could feel your warm breath on my head. I pulled you tighter. How could you tell me that? Do you think I want to cry?
I never needed to cry for anyone before. Why should you be the first?
But for some reason, you are the first. The first man to make me cry and worry, the first man to make me feel useful and needed, the first man to make me feel this overwhelming sense of belonging. I finally belong somewhere, and that's here, right here in your arms. I held you tighter, as tightly as I could.

You struggled out, apologizing repeatedly as you pushed me away. You clutched your chest, your face creased in a pain so intense that your whole body shivered with each breath you took. You dragged yourself along the walls, pushing me away each time I tried to reach for you. I handed you your box of pills and you swallowed them greedily, even though you grimaced each time a single pill touched your lips. "You need to go back to the hospital. Let's go now." I held on to your arm more tightly this time but you pushed me back forcefully. Never have you been this violently stubborn before. "Let go. Please just leave," you yelled at me as you collapsed.

I could see that you were no longer conscious. You were curled up in a fetal position, holding yourself tightly, afraid to lose control. Your eyes were squeezed shut holding back tears I knew you would never allow yourself to cry. You bite your lips hard, holding back a scream I knew you would never allow yourself to release. I held you as I repeated your name. I was afraid of you losing it, afraid that you would forget that you're the strong, brave Zero Kiryuu, afraid that you would forget that you're right here safe in your bedroom, not back in that terrifying place. I repeated your name in prayer.

Your shivering subsided, just as your tears rolled down your cheeks. I'm not sure if you were even aware that you were crying. Your grip on yourself tightened, your nails digging deeper into the sides of your arms, leaving deep red marks in them. A pained sound escaped your lips.
You were losing control now, weren't you? I wiped those tears away from your eyes just as you started convulsing. You started with low whimpers, as if still trying to suppress your pain.
You don't have to, Zero. Not in front of me. You don't have to act tough in front of me, don't have to hold it in any longer.
I'll protect you. I promise.

Your cries slowly escalated into tortured screams. Screams I couldn't bear hearing. Screams that broke my heart, tearing my soul apart. For what seemed like an eternity, you continued screaming. Finally, you drifted off to sleep while clutching my hand. I brushed those long bangs off your tear-stained face. You must have been dreaming of your family again. I laid your head down on your pillow. It must've been terrifying for a boy so young. I patted your back gently when I saw you were about to start dreaming that horrifying dream again, and your breathing resumed normally. How have you been living all these years? I looked around your house, those bare walls and empty cabinets, and realized the answer.
You haven't been living. You've merely been surviving.

I touched your face, feeling you clench as a result, then planted a kiss on your forehead. You were burning up. How many times has it been already, that I've ended up attempting to nurse you; and how many more times do I have to do this? How many more times will you put yourself in danger, put your life on the line, torture yourself, for things that you can't change?

Stop, it's enough. You've hurt enough, you've suffered enough. And for what? For your dead family? They wouldn't come back to life, even if you died taking revenge for them. You've killed Shizuka, now what? Your dreams didn't go away and it didn't hurt any less, did it? Your dreams got worse, not better. Please, stop. You have to live well.
"You're gonna be fine, baby. I promise. You won't hurt anymore," I knelt at the side of your bed as I held your face in my hands. By then, you had closed your eyes and drifted off already.

You shouldn't be so close to me. But – Damn! – I want you so badly.

You shouldn't even be in the same room as me. But, I need you so badly.
You shouldn't be holding me. But, I'm so in love with you, it hurt so badly.
I held you tighter and tighter.

No. Please. No. Release her. Stop. Stop, you bastard.
You're killing her. Stop. Stop now!
But she tastes so good. So fulfilling. So… precious.
The aroma of her blood filled my senses, making me feel more alive than I've felt for years, fuelling my body with energy so strong that I shivered, feeling the strength buzzing in me.
The taste of her blood danced across my tongue, seeped through my parched lips, filling the dry cracks of my throat.
This thirst cannot be sated by others. This taste I can't get enough of. This body I can't hold tightly enough. This body… that's going limp in my arms.
I opened my eyes wide. No. No. Oh please, no.

Yuki, wake up.
Yuki, I'm sorry.
Yuki, please. Please, open your eyes.
Please.
I shook her, screaming for her to wake up.
I held her tight, trying to get her cold body to warm up.
All that fear, all that terror flooded through me.
I've killed you.

I remained frozen in that moment, that petrifying moment when my world shattered.
It was exactly like when my parents died, when young, weak Zero Kiryuu remained still and unmoving, frozen in that one moment when everything came crashing down.
And exactly like my dreams of my parents, this scene of you dying in my arms repeated itself before my eyes, each time more horrific than the last.
And exactly like those nightmares, the ultimate ending never changed.

You remained unconscious for 2 days.

I never left your side, afraid that your dreams might get worse, that you might disappear in a blink of an eye.
And during those brief moments, when you were sleeping in relative peace, I wondered. What if Shizuka never attacked, what if Purebloods never existed? Would Zero Kiryuu be happy? Would you sleep well, eat well, live well? Would you maybe get a good job, find a pretty girl, get married, have kids? I wondered how many more lives have us Purebloods destroyed.
I touched your pale face, wondering how many women have had this chance to watch you sleep. I lay on your bed, holding you tight, wondering how many women have had the chance to hold you while you sleep. I brushed my fingers on your lips, wondering how many women have had the chance to kiss your lips. Maybe you would have a steady girlfriend now, if not because of us Purebloods.

You creased your forehead, your breathing getting heavier and your body started to curl up.
I held your body, trying to protect you, knowing that I can't. And even if I could make you forget that pain, make you feel again, I'll also be the one to hurt you once more. I'm that bitch who will tear you apart after fixing you. I'm that bitch who will give you hope and throw you off a cliff at the same time. I'm that bitch who will make you believe in love, and then break that belief again.

My alarm rang. I've set it so that I know when to feed you. I'm scared that you'll waste away, growing weaker day by day. You were shivering, your breathing labored. You grit your teeth and clutched your chest. I coaxed your mouth open but you kicked up a fuss with each spoonful. I've learnt to recognize your behavior pattern and I held your shoulders and you calmed down for a moment. Your eyes flickered at times, as you drifted in and out of consciousness, beads of cold sweat running down your face as you fought so hard. Your mumblings turned to screams as you smashed your fists and struggled physically on the bed against Shizuka.

Just like last night, I held you. And just like last night, you fought back. "Don't touch! Don't touch me!" you screamed, in that tone that wasn't fierce nor angry, but desperate. Your finger nails dug into my wrists as your nightmare raged on.

Then your eyes flew open. And your beautiful eyes were tinged crimson, warning me to back off and take cover. They were… crimson. And before my mind could process what that meant, you got up, pushed me aside and locked yourself in the bathroom. I pounded on the door, begging you to let me in before you hurt yourself. I could hear glass being broken and a loud thump as you fell to the floor, the scratching of glass as you pulled your body through those broken fragments and your pained breathing as you struggled to remain conscious and alive.

I stopped pounding as I realized what those crimson eyes said to me.
Baby, you had the most beautiful eyes, purple, lilac, crimson or ruby red.
And in that instant, I understood why. I understood what had happened, why you were so much more broken than some regular orphan boy, why you were so afraid of letting me in. Why Rido was so particularly fixated on you. I stopped banging the door. I could smell it faintly, the smell of blood. Who else could it be, but yours?

My mind was set, as I looked for your spare keys. I unlocked the door with shivering hands. I saw your bloodstained hand and the traces of blood on your lips. You noticed that I had noticed, and turned away. I held out my hand and I noted your shivering worsening as you turned away again. I wiped your bloodstained lips, feeling you shudder at my touch. I held you towards me, knowing exactly what that would do to you.
Is my scent driving you mad? I've never starved before, never known what it was like to be hungry. But when I look at you trembling so badly, I could feel it myself; that gnawing, persistent and perpetual pain. I could feel your body clenching, shuddering as you clenched hard, resisting so bad.
You gasped for air, trying hard not to breathe my scent, trying to deny yourself further, trying to swallow back your desire. I held you tighter, forcing you closer.
Take as much as you need, as much as you want. Take everything.

Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to yourself? Am I worth it? No, I'm not. I'm not even half the man you think I am, barely a tenth. Don't hold me so close, planting seeds of feelings that I'm not capable of following through. Don't touch me so softly, making me want to treat you like a man will treat a lady. Don't cry those tears for me, making me want to kiss your fears away.

I'm not afraid of dying, I've never been. So don't make me start now. Don't give me something to live for now, when all that I have is dead and gone. Don't give me something to hold on to now, when I've got one foot in hell's doorway already. Don't give me someone to love now, when I'm not capable of spending forever in your arms.

You feel so sweet. It reminds me of the last time my mother held me.
You feel so soft. It reminds me of those beautiful clouds I used to watch out my childhood bedroom.
You feel so real. It reminds me of those dreams I used to have, of having a wife to hold at night.
I'm not that same boy who had those beautiful dreams. I've grown up all wrong. I'm broken and scarred. I'm like these pieces of shattered glass on the floor. I will cut your hands and I will hurt you.

Do you have any idea what you're doing to me, what the implications are?
Have you any idea, how this beast inside me will rip you apart. That beast that's struggling to get out. Hurry, leave! Leave before those chains holding that monster back shatters. Hurry!
I struggled in your grasp, clawing at my neck, hurting myself to distract myself from you.
You pushed me to your neck, unwittingly. Don't… please, don't.
I could barely open my eyes, could barely breathe. All I could hear was the rush of sweet blood in your body, as your heart pumped that sweet nectar through the veins in your neck so close to my lips. I could barely move, could barely think straight.

The chains have broken now. I'm so sorry. Please… please forgive me.
"I'm sorry." I managed to whisper once before that beast inside was unleashed completely.
The first drop graced my tongue. Okay, Zero. Stop now. One is enough. Please stop. I begged myself to stop. But – Dear God! – You taste so good. I couldn't. Push me away. Scream at me, please. Don't let me hold you, don't let me suck you into this hellhole with me. Fight back, for your own sake. Be kind to yourself for once. For once, be cruel to me.

At first, you were holding me. And I was completely lost. In that body, there was no Zero Kiryuu anymore. There was only that monster. Zero Kiryuu is completely dead. He doesn't exist here anymore. Then slowly, as your fingers loosened their grip, Zero Kiryuu woke up.
Your hand fell limp to my side. Oh God, please. This can't be. Stop, you fucking monster! Stop! You bastard, you're killing her! Stop! I fought hard, I can't lose you. Baby, I can't lose you. I'd rather die. My strength returning, I pulled out that beast's fangs from your neck, regaining control.

As my vision cleared and my senses returned, I was acutely aware of your weight in my arms. Your unmoving body pressed close to my chest. Just like that repetitive nightmare. "No, Yuki. Wake up, please. Yuki, listen to me, wake up now!" I started screaming, shaking you repeatedly. I carried you to the bed, trying to check for your pulse. It's ironic, that your blood gave me enough strength to listen for your dying heartbeat. Your pulse was weak. I wrapped you in the sheets, rubbing your body to keep you warm. "Wake up now, Yuki. Please… please open your eyes." I begged. I was confused of the logic of my desperation. Was it because I didn't want to be a vampire who killed his victim? Or was it because I was a man who didn't want to lose the woman he loves. I knelt down next to you and begged. Never have I begged anyone for anything. I'm begging you just to open your eyes.

I could hear your pulse strengthening. I held you, still afraid that it might weaken again. Somehow, holding you made it feel like it would be okay. I knew you would forgive me, because you're loving and forgiving like that. But, I'm not. I'm not that noble. I can't forgive; I absolutely cannot forgive anyone who hurts you, even if that person is me.
I called Chairman. "I've done wrong. I…" I gulped, stammering and confusing my words. "I.. her.. Yuki.. drank.." My trembling hands dropped the phone to the ground, unable to verbalize the situation. All I could do was hold her and pray to whichever God willing to forgive me to save her from me.

I opened the door to find Kiryuu holding her, his face completely blank. That look in his eyes was one I've seen before and one that I prayed never to see again. He had that same look in his eyes when I first found him surrounded by his parents' dead bodies. Cold and empty, as if nobody was home. He didn't say a word, didn't even seem to realize that I had arrived. "I'm here now, Zero. Let me take care of her." But he didn't let go. I could see from the gentle movement of her chest, that she was still breathing, still alive. But Zero was petrified, a prisoner of his thoughts. Gently, I pried his fingers to release her. He was trembling, in a way that was heartbreaking. He slumped to the floor, still shivering, still in his own world.

As I took care of Yuki, I shuddered to think of Zero stuck in that world of his.
It was a world that was neither human nor demon. It was a world that only a person of Zero's character would condemn himself to, a living hell. He would never forgive himself for this. Just like how he never forgave himself for his parents' death, even though there was nothing he could have done. In that world of his, there were no second chances, no mercy, and no rights to happiness. In that world of his, Zero imprisoned himself.

I had brought some medication along for Yuki, but then again, all she needs now is rest. I turned to Zero instead, the person who truly needed help. He was on his knees, his eyes closed as if in prayer. But I know better. Zero doesn't believe in God. He doesn't believe in anything, for crying out loud. But in that cell where he was locked for months, he believed in the one thing that kept him sane.
He believed in Yuki. He didn't believe he could love her, far from that. Merely the thought of her kept him sane, all those memories kept him going.
I know, I've heard Zero start to spasm, start to lose control and then he'll take a deep breath and murmur Yuki's name repeatedly, like a prayer. And miraculously, he'll regain control and calm down.

"Carry her back to her room, Kiryuu." With hands still trembling, he reached out, and almost immediately pulled back again. "I… I can't," his voice trembling. He's afraid, frightened that he'll hurt her. And because of that fear, he's holding back. I could see that longing in his eyes, not out of bloodlust. I could see how his fingers reached out, wanting to touch her face. I could see how obviously in love he was. But he probably wouldn't label it love. "I'm right here, I'll make sure that everything will be fine. Go, take her to her room," I urged. He has to get over it. For one so young to have suffered so much, he has to find something to hold on to again. And if Yuki can be that light in his life, he shouldn't let go. He picked her up cautiously and I could see him watching her closely, full of apprehension. I followed them out to her room. Zero placed her gently on her bed and covered her with a blanket, brushing hair off her face and kissing her forehead.

"I'll just leave her here. She'll come to on her own, right?" Zero asked. I nodded, "How about you? Do you need a doctor?" I doubt it though, he's probably feeling more alive than he's ever felt in the past few years, and that realization will only drive home the harsh reality that he's not human. "Chairman," Zero looked at me. I could see it on his face, what he was about to say. I knew, exactly what he wanted to do. "Can you take care of her, please?" Zero asked.
"She'll come to, and then she'll start asking for me. Just tell her that I'm on a long assignment. Tell her I'll be gone for a long time. Tell her…" Zero looked away, towards Yuki. "Tell her that she's better off without me. Tell her to move on and forget me. Tell her, please."

I couldn't say no. Because, from a practical point of view, Zero was completely right. "At least tell her that yourself." Zero bit his lip. "I can't. Please, can you do this for me?" I contemplated for a moment. "At least, write her a letter. It's rude to leave abruptly. Write one and I'll tell her you've left for work. If not, I won't stay." I threatened. I knew Zero was not cruel enough to leave without a word.

He left the room, then came back some time later with a single duffel bag and an envelope.
He handed the envelope to me and walked over to Yuki. I saw his lips move, whispering in her ears. He kissed her cheek, a last kiss, a goodbye kiss. Right in front of my eyes, I saw Zero giving up happiness once again.

Zero walked past me, mumbling "I'll be in touch."
He walked out the door and never looked back.