Okay, I couldn't wait any longer to post this chapter. When I first started this story, the cancer was never going to come back…it was just going to be a scare. However, this chapter was something I imagined and decided to change the whole story! I hope you like it! It's a big chapter so hopefully be worth spending the time to read!

Enjoy!

I'm Not Fine

"Did you get hold of the Congressman?" Leo questioned, as he joined Donna who had been stood away from the rest of the staff outside the church.

"I'm sorry?" She looked at him in surprise.

"The Congressman…He's running late, I wondered if you spoke with Edie…" Leo nodded to the cell phone in her hand.

Donna sighed quietly and put the phone into her pocket. "I was trying to get hold of Josh."

"Everything okay?"

"He had a bad day yesterday."

"Bad day as in…"

"No, no...not that." She claimed; Josh had assured her he felt fine other than a little tired. "When he was meeting with C.J yesterday, she asked him if he had spoken with Toby."

Leo's eyebrows rose. "And has he?"

"No but you know him….After she put it into his head, he started to feel guilty…"

Leo stared at her. "Tell me, he didn't call him."

"No." Donna paused. "But he did go to his apartment."

Leo groaned. "Is he insane? Does he not have enough to deal with already?"

"Yeah, well it didn't go well." Donna continued. "They argued."

"About?"

She shrugged. "About Santos, I guess…Toby seems to think the President doesn't believe we'll win and that's why he hasn't joined us today."

"It was too short notice…He has a busy schedule at the moment…" Leo started defensively.

"I know that." Donna stated. "And so does Josh."

"But?"

"But did C.J really have to make a big deal about saying she'll take it to the President?" Donna questioned. "Couldn't she have just told Josh right out that it just wouldn't work? I mean, he's not some outsider…He worked there for 7 years, he knows how these things work."

"She's just trying to do her job." Leo said softly.

She gave him a small sad smile. "I just wished it didn't have to be like this…They used to be all so close… and now when he needs them the most…"

"They're still his friends."

"I know…" Donna nodded. "I'm just not sure if he knows that…"

"Well, we'll just have to find a way of reminding him." He patted her arm lightly.

"Guys, the Congressman is here." Lester announced walking towards them.

"Let's go." Donna gave Leo a small smile before they followed Lester to the front of the church.

XxXxX

"I brought coffee. You seem to be out." Josh handed Toby a takeaway cup as he walked into the apartment, sipping his own. "I've given a lot of thought to the heartwarming insight you shared with me about how the President thinks Santos is a loser and I think you're full of it."

"Eight packets of Splenda, you couldn't rustle up a bagel?" Toby shot back, sarcastically.

It had taken Josh a long time to gain Toby's trust during Bartlet's first campaign. He had been suspicious about Josh's sudden departure from the front runner to a campaign for a man he barely knew anything about but slowly they had begun to like and respect each other.

Josh will always remember the relief he felt when Toby appeared in front of him that night he sat on the cold floor, leaning back against the wall losing blood. It felt like he had sat there for hours and had started to think he was going to bleed to death all alone.

He forced himself to focus back on the conversation as Toby continued to rant and Josh only caught the end; something about Santos and holding onto power.

"You don't know he's not that man." Josh shot back, annoyed. Toby had been so offended by Josh's choice to leave the White House to run Santos' campaign, that he had no idea what kind of man the Congressman was and didn't show any interest in finding out either.

"You don't know that he is. Is he?" Toby questioned. "Look me in the eye and tell me that you know, without a shadow of a doubt, you know."

Josh paused; he had been barely listening to him and lost track of the conversation.

"That's why the other guy wins." Toby took his silence as an answer.

"He's a good man." Josh insisted. "He'll make a good President."

"I see you're still blinded by loyalty…"

"Meaning?"

"Meaning you must be the only person on the planet that doesn't think Santos has brought in Ben Joseph to replace you."

"He hasn't done that." Josh glared at him. "In fact, against mine and Lou's advice he's done everything he can to convince people that's not what's happening."

"Right… "

"Besides it wasn't the congressman's idea to hire Ben."

"No? Then who?" Toby questioned. "Barry Goodwin? Because I'll tell you, he'll stab you in the back faster than you can blink…if Santos has him whispering in his ear…"

"I hired Ben." Josh interrupted him.

"You did?" Toby asked, unconvinced.

"Yes."

"Your campaign already has you and Lou Thornton…Not to mention Leo…"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because he's good." Josh reasoned. "And because he's a good friend of the congressman."

Toby continued to look doubtful at Josh but didn't comment any further.

"You know I didn't come here to get your approval on my campaign staff..." Josh snapped after a few seconds.

"Then why did you?"

"Because I thought we were friends…" He answered. "I didn't think you had many to begin with and after everything that has happened I thought you might be happy to see someone who still gives a damn."

"And I thought it was to bring me coffee…" Toby replied sarcastically.

"I don't know why I bothered." Josh muttered, running a hand over his tired eyes.

He could feel his phone buzzing in his pocket again. Donna had been trying to get hold of him this morning and glancing at the clock on the kitchen wall, he knew the Congressman had probably finished at the church. He should be finding out how it went instead of being lectured by Toby Zeigler.

"I don't know either."

Josh shook his head and started to walk towards the door. "I'll see you around…"

"Sure, I'll send you an invite to the 'welcome home' party." Toby stated. "I'll be the guy in the orange jumpsuit."

Josh froze in front of the door, it suddenly hit him this might be the last time he saw Toby and after everything they had been through, he didn't want to leave it like this.

"Take the deal."

"What?"

"Take the deal." Josh repeated. "They must be offering you something…"

"No…"

"Think of your kids…"

"Don't you dare bring them into this." Toby fired back. "You think I haven't thought about them in all of this?"

"Then don't go to jail!" Josh argued. "Stay where they can see and talk to you whenever they need to."

"It's not that simple…"

"Yes it is." Josh stated. "God, Toby don't you know how lucky you are?!"

"Seriously?" Toby let out a laugh. "You've got your dream job running a campaign for your dream candidate…You've just married the love of your life and the media and public didn't bat an eyelid…Vinick even sent a wedding gift… You got your whole future ahead of you and will probably be named as one of the greatest minds in American politics and you're going to stand there and talk to me about luck?!"

"You don't understand…" Josh whispered, turning to face the other way again.

"We've had this conversation before." Toby replied. "What was it you said? I didn't know what you know?"

Josh turned back, frowning a little unsure where Toby was going to take this.

"That you'd give anything to have a living sister?" Toby reminded him of the Christmas a few years ago when he had got Toby's father a pass into the White House. "Well, now I know what you know…"

"You think David would be happy with you throwing your life away?" Josh questioned. "You think he'd want this for you when all you need to do is just let people around you help."

"Well, it'll be a bit hypocritical of him, wouldn't it?" Toby replied bitterly. "After all, he just gave up on himself and his family…he took the cowards way out."

"That's not fair."

"I think it is…"

"That's because you don't know what it's like…" Josh stated. "You don't know what it's like to have this thing inside you eating away…You don't know what it's like knowing there is nothing you or anyone else can do to stop it….You don't know how it feels knowing you'll be completely helpless and that the people you love most in the world is going to see you weak and defeated…and that's the last memory of you they have."

"That wouldn't have mattered!" Toby exclaimed loudly. "His wife and kids wouldn't have cared… they would have wanted more time with him… as much time with him as possible….helping and being with him would have been important to them…the other stuff wouldn't have mattered…"

"It matters to me!" Josh shouted back and then realized what he said. "It would have mattered to him…."

"Josh?"

"The doctors would have explained it to him, Toby….They would have told him that the only way to get through it was to be pumped full of drugs that only made you feel sick and confused… they would have talked about hospices and having nurses to take care of him…they would have talked to him about having a plan but the only thing he would have been able to think about was all the pain and suffering and the end result being the same… He wouldn't have wanted to live like that and he wouldn't have wanted to put anyone else through it either…"

Toby stared at him, not knowing what to say and suddenly felt a lump in his throat. He had spent so long being angry at his brother because it was easier than the grief and the guilt he felt for not being there for him. He ran a hand over his mouth, willing his eyes to stop burning as he crossed the room and sat down on the couch.

Josh watched him, blinking away his own tears and tried to distract himself by pulling his cell out to see he had several miss calls from Donna, Lou, Annabeth and Ronna….His fingers hovered over the buttons, debating with himself if he should get back to one of them but in the end, hit the power button to turn the phone off.

He took a deep breath and turned back to Toby, taking a couple steps closer to him.

"I was talking about your kids." He said softly. "When I said about you being lucky…I was talking about your kids."

Toby turned his head to look at Josh again. "Is that what you want? A family?"

Josh shrugged and tried to give him a smile but he couldn't quite manage it. "Yeah, it would be nice… but I don't think it's going to happen…"

"Why not?"

"Just you know…"

"You and Donna could make it work." Toby replied. "She understands you…about the job and about the hours you'll be working…"

"I guess…"

"And I'm assuming she'll be getting a White House job too so it's not like she won't be there with you…"

Josh tilted his head slightly, this time he did smile. "So, now you think we're going to win in November?"

Toby shrugged. "What? You thought I was rooting for the republican?"

Josh took another couple of steps closer and dropped down into the arm chair opposite the couch; it surprised him how much Toby's support meant to him.

"So, little Lymans…" Toby started. "Are you really going to deprive the future democratic party of them?"

"Like I said, I don't think it'll happen."

"You worried about the demands of the job and fatherhood?" Toby predicted.

"It's not that…"

"You'll just have to wait until the time is right...if you do win in November then it'll be crazy for a while but you'll find time…"

"I cannot believe it's you I'm having this conversation with…" Josh muttered, looking up at the ceiling.

"What does Donna say?"

"Nothing…"

"You haven't discussed it?"

"Not this particular issue, no."

"Then how do you know…" Toby began to say.

"God, Toby… I already said, it's not going to happen." Josh pushed himself to his feet.

Toby looked surprised at his reaction. "You also said, it would be nice…"

"Yeah…" He whispered, turning to face the other way.

"Josh?"

"It's just not going to happen."

"Why?" He asked again but after a few seconds of silence something dawned on Toby. "Are you guys….I mean, the treatment you had…the chemo…I know it sometimes cause…"

"Toby…."

"I can get you some numbers…Andi and I had our fair share of trouble… There are some amazing things they can do now…" Toby claimed, not noticing how desperately Josh wanted this subject to be dropped. "We looked into adoption too..."

"Toby!" Josh raised his voice to be heard, finally getting the other man's attention. "Just stop…please."

Toby fell silent and just stared up at Josh for a few seconds before clearing his throat. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have said anything…"

"It's just…" Josh started but struggled to find the right words. "It's not that we….It's…"

"It's fine." Toby waved a hand. "I get it."

Josh blinked at him in surprise. "You do?"

"Yeah, you're starting a new chapter in your life…Win or lose in November; you're going to be a big player in the party." Toby attempted to steer the conversation back to politics. "Everyone in Washington is going to want a piece of you…"

"I'm not staying in Washington." Josh told him, without thinking.

"You're not? Where are you going?"

"Home." Josh said quietly. "My Mom never sold the house…Donna and I are going to live there for a while."

Toby chuckled lightly which turned into a real laugh.

"It's why I hired Ben." Josh added after a couple of seconds.

Toby stopped laughing but there was still a smirk on his face. "You're not serious…"

"Toby…"

"You'll last five minutes…"

"Yeah." Josh took a breath and ran a hand down his face. "Probably."

Toby studied him for a moment, thinking over everything they had talked about from the election to David.

"What did you mean that's why you hired Ben?"

"He'd be a good Chief of Staff for Santos."

"Maybe…" Toby conceded. "But Santos is crazy if he doesn't hire you."

"We've already talked about it…I've turned the offer down."

"Then you're crazy…" Toby replied to which Josh just shrugged. "You won't have a choice… If the President asks you to serve you serve."

"It's not that simple anymore, Toby."

"Yes, it is." His voice rose slightly. "What is wrong with you?! That job should have been yours when Leo resigned but you didn't even fight for it…"

"They picked C.J…What was I meant to do? Sulk and stamp my feet?!"

"Is that why?" Toby questioned, loudly. "This is because your ego was damaged and you were doubted by the President and Leo…"

Josh glared at him. "Go to hell, Toby."

"If that's not the reason then why wouldn't you want the job you spent the last 7 years working towards?" Toby exclaimed and threw his hands in the air. "Why would you walk away after all this time?!"

"Because it came back!" Josh shouted back. "Because I have no choice!"

The silence was deafening and it was Josh who couldn't stand it anymore, turning away and sitting back down. He covered his face with his hands; after everything that had happened with David, Toby was the last person he wanted to tell.

Toby's eyes followed him, his mind racing with just happened. His brow wrinkled a little as he got a better look at his friend. He looked pale and had lost weight but mostly he looked tired. All symptoms related to a hard Presidential campaign but after everything that had been said and Josh's decisions lately made Toby realize there was something more to it.

Josh pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes in an attempt to stop the burning sensation of unshed tears and took a few deep, shaky breaths as he listened to Toby's quiet footsteps moving away from him. He heard a cupboard opening and glasses clinking together but only pulled his hands away from his face when he sensed Toby stood in front of him.

Any other time he would have laughed and pointed out that it was barely past 11am at the sight of Toby holding out a glass with a double shot of whiskey in it. He blinked against the tears a couple of times before accepting it and muttered 'thanks'; dropping his eyes to the amber liquid.

This was how it went last time he had to tell Toby about the cancer.

Toby didn't know what to say so instead he just sat on the coffee table in front of Josh. There was a part of him prayed he was just being paranoid while a more sensible, although slightly cynical side of him knew that life just wasn't that fair.

"Donna, Leo, my Mom and you." Josh whispered, still looking down into his drink.

"I'm sorry?"

"That's who knows."

"Who knows what?"

"Toby…"

"It's come back? That's what you said." Toby took a mouthful of whiskey, grimacing a little. "You…you're talking about the cancer?"

"It was picked up during a routine checkup." Josh told him. "I never felt…I mean, I wasn't expecting them to find anything…"

"What did they find?" Toby asked. "The same as last time…"

Josh swirled then whiskey in the glass but still didn't take a sip. "They found it in my bone marrow and also on a MRI scan…it's spread further then last time…"

"What treatment are you going to have?"

Josh paused briefly, this time looking up only to find Toby was staring down into his own glass.

"I'll have a blood transfusion while I'm in town…I've also started taking medication for nausea…" Josh told him, having no idea how his voice sounded so calm. "There's a cold that's been going around the staff so I'll see my doctor about getting some anti-biotics just as a precaution…"

"None of that sounds like it'll get rid of the cancer." Toby pointed out.

"I'm looking into starting some radiation therapy in a few weeks…" Josh answered but Toby cut him off.

"A few weeks?"

"My doctor said he can prescribe me some painkillers if I need them before…"

"You already said it spread more than last time…aren't they worried it'll get worse?" Toby asked but continued when he realized why Josh wasn't having treatment straight away. "You're waiting until after the election?!"

"I haven't really experienced many symptoms…Except tiredness but to be honest, before the diagnosis I just figured that was the campaign." Josh shrugged. "Same with my appetite but it comes and goes…I'm hoping the nausea medication might help with that."

"And what about actually fighting the cancer?" Toby questioned.

"Toby…" Josh sighed.

"When are you starting chemo?"

"I'm not, Toby." He said softly. "It wasn't one of the options the doctors offered me."

"Then how do they expect to…" He started but his voice trailed off when he realized what Josh was telling him. "Oh…"

"There are some treatments but it seems that will only slow things down." Josh informed him. "It's progressed further and quicker than last time…The doctor talked me through the options he'd recommended but I couldn't take it all in…"

Toby's head snapped up quickly. "You were alone?"

"Well, yeah…"

"You found out the cancer had come back, worse than before and you were alone?"

"Like I said, I wasn't expecting anything different from all the other times I went." Josh reasoned. "And in case you haven't noticed, I'm in a middle of a campaign…Leo's a candidate, C.J has been avoiding me, Sam's in California and the last time you and I spoke it ended up in a fight…"

"And Donna?"

"Toby, no one came to any of these appointments with me before...It never crossed my mind to take someone this time."

"It doesn't seem right…" Toby said quietly. "Someone should have been with you…"

"I'm glad I was alone." Josh admitted. "Gave me chance to try and get my head around it before dragging anyone else into it…"

"And have you? Got your head around it?"

Josh let out a small laugh, shaking his head a little. "No but then it kinda makes it easier to deal with when I don't think about it…"

Toby gave a small nod but didn't say anything; instead he downed the rest of the whiskey. Josh watched silently as he stood up, walked back to the kitchen and refilled his glass.

"Donna and my Mom think I'm trying to be some kind of hero..." Josh continued as Toby began to pace the room slowly. "That I'm putting the election before myself but I'm not…I'm being selfish really…I'm putting off the inevitable…I know they want to take care of me but I don't know, I guess I'm just not ready for that…"

Toby stopped and looked back at him. "What do you want?"

"Winning the election would be nice." He quipped with a weak smile before turning serious. "I don't know what I want….I know what I don't want."

"For anyone to know?"

"To hurt people…I don't want to be a burden…to be treated differently."

"That's understandable…" Toby murmured quietly.

"I know I don't want to die, Toby…And I know I don't want to deal with that right now because it scares the hell out of me."

Toby sat back on the coffee table, placing the glass down and leaned forwards. "What can I do to help?"

"Thank you but…"

"I want to help…Just tell me…let me help…" Toby cut in. "Besides, I have a lot of free time on my hands these days…."

Josh managed a small laugh at the attempt of humor but he felt a wave of emotion wash over himself. Clearing his throat quietly and he took a deep breath before moving to stand up.

"I should go…" He said; reaching out and placing a hand on Toby's shoulder as he got to his feet, squeezing gently before slowly moving towards the door.

"You should spend time in Illinois." Toby advised still staying seated on the coffee table and facing the now empty armchair.

"We're down by 9… and the ad buy is expensive…"

Toby shook his head. "You're not doing as badly there as you think…"

"Okay." He nodded, his mind already back on the campaign, wondering if he had overlooked something. "I'll look into it."

"Josh?" Toby called out to him.

"Yeah?"

"Don't….don't give up." He whispered. "Just keep fighting…I know it's going to be hard but….just don't give up…"

Josh nodded, not trusting his voice although Toby wasn't looking at him. Two photo frames placed on the small table beside the couch caught his eye. One was of Huck and Molly sat on Andi's lap, grinning at the camera. The one next to it was taken almost 8 years ago. It was the morning after the election and none of them had any sleep but they had never been happier. C.J had her arms wrapped around both Sam and himself while Toby stood to the side, watching them with Leo and the then President-Elect Bartlet, all of them laughing. No one seemed aware of the photo being taken and Josh tried to remember who would have taken it. It could have been Zoey; she never seemed to stop taking photos during the first campaign… It may have been Donna or possibly Andi, since Toby had the picture.

"Only if you promise not to either…" Josh replied, nodding towards the photos when Toby looked up at him.

As Toby turned to look at the photos, Josh left the apartment, closing the door quietly behind him. His focus on the pictures started to get blurry the longer he stared at them until tears began to roll down is face. He tried to bring the glass of whiskey up to his mouth but his hands shook so much that he had to lower it again. Then without thinking, he rose it and launched it across the room, watching it with little satisfaction as it smashed against the wall, leaving amber streaks down the white paint as he began to sob; rocking slightly at the overwhelming pain he felt for David, for Josh and for the loneliness and shame he felt since leaving the White House.

TBC

So, Toby joins the people in know! Hope you liked it! I love writing Toby! Please review and let me know what you think!