We had taken the train here to Cheongug, where your parents were buried. To me, it was as if you were finally completely open to me. You were introducing me to your family, even if it was just a symbolic measure.
"It's going to be a bit of a walk, sorry," you smiled apologetically to me when we got off the train.
I slipped my arm through yours, "It's okay. I like walking with you. All the girls get jealous."
You laughed, "This'll make them more jealous then, wouldn't it?" as you kissed me softly.

You had just started learning to love. It had taken a while for you to hold my hand and kiss me since that first day in the rain. You used to call that beginning an adrenaline rush, when your brain wasn't functioning properly, 'not used to that much blood' as you term it. But we took baby steps, together. We started to love, started to learn how to love. Now, when we're together, our hands are never apart. Kisses that used to be so rare, have become so normal and integrated into our relationship. But they were always special. Each one always felt like the first. Isn't this how first love is supposed to be like?

We walked for 20 minutes before we reached the gates. I noticed how you had gotten so much paler, how you were slowing down. Each time you caught me noticing, you tried to cover it up with a smile and squeeze my hand. But I know better. You've been sleeping too much lately, you get tired easily and you don't eat.

Even then, you refuse to take from me. You take the blood pills, even though they make you sick. Even when I adamantly insist and you're on the brink of puncturing my skin, you always pull back at the last moment, apologising profusely each time you almost drink. "Sorry, I'm so sorry, Yuuki, baby, I'm so sorry," you'll repeat over and over again as you pull away.

We bowed our heads and closed our eyes in prayer.
"I'm sorry that we're meeting in these circumstances. I'm sure that you're watching over your son from above and know exactly what I am… Your son has grown up well; he's a righteous, brave, good man. I know you'll be proud of him. I'm sorry that he met me. I'm sorry that I'll hurt him when I leave. So please take care of him, please make sure he heals well, please help him forget me. Help him live well and happily. I'm so sorry for hurting your son."

I bit my lip. How crazy, how stupid I am, to pray for your parents to forgive me when I doubted if I could forgive myself.

"What were they like?" I asked you.
"I can't really remember anymore," you admitted.
"Were they good to you?"
"I guess."
The topic of his parents was strictly off limits. I knew, I understood; and yet, I wanted to know. I wanted to know how to be your family.
"I love you, Zero."
You stared at me, your eyes filled with wonder each time I said that. As if you couldn't believe it that I could love you. As if you couldn't believe it that you were being loved. As if you couldn't believe it that we could love. You reached out your hand to touch my face; softly, gently as only you could.
I could see the words forming on your lips. The words you said so often in the beginning, how much you don't deserve me, why I should leave.
"Don't say it, Zero," I warned you. Don't say things like that anymore. You don't deserve me; that's true. You deserve someone better, so much better than me.
The words died in your throat. The look in your eyes became apologetic instead. I hated it.
"Don't look at me like that, Zero." I'm the one who's sorry. I'm the one who should apologise, should beg you to forgive me. I'm the one whose sin shouldn't be forgiven.

You pulled me gently into your arms, holding me close to your body, our foreheads touching and eyes closed. "Thank you," you whispered. I listened to your breathing, felt your heart thump in your chest, and wondered if your heart was completely healed now? Have I managed to heal your scars from the past? Have I managed to cure you completely from the poison in your mind? I hope then, that you'll realize how much your life can be, even after I'm gone. I hope that you'll be able to open your heart to others, even after I'm gone.

I love you, Zero.

"I'm sorry, for hurting him. I'm so, so sorry. Please, please lead him out of this hell he's living in. He shouldn't be in there. I'm sorry for putting him there. I'm sorry I can't fix this. I'm sorry I hurt your son. Punish me instead. Hurt me instead. Please, just keep him safe and happy. Please, just keep him out of misery."

"Yuuki…" "What is it Aidou?" I turned and saw him. Zero stood there, watching me through narrowed eyes. My heart clenched, and this ache worsened. This terrible, permanent ache turned into full-fledged agony. Zero, don't ache like this. Don't hurt like I'm hurting, please. I approached you first, each step heavier than the last. I want to run to you, or run away. Instead, I greeted you with a bow.

"What are you doing here?" you asked coldly.
"I was on my way back and stopped by on the way." Actually, I planned to come here. I do come here, sometimes, but never before had we bumped into each other this way. I paused for a moment, gauging your reaction to find nothing. "Come, let's pray together Zero."

"Please leave," you said coldly. "You shouldn't be here. Leave."

"Please leave."

Please, don't leave. Don't leave. Please. Stay. Please.
"You shouldn't be here. Leave."
Don't go. Please, don't go. Don't abandon me here. I'm scared.
I can't watch you leave, not again, not ever again.

Those days before you, before you came into this wretched life of mine, I can barely remember. I can't even remember how it was like to be human, how it was like to hunger and thirst like a human, to desire the things that humans desire, to love the things that humans love. Instead, I'm this monster, which craves and desires blood, which yearns for your blood. And your hands reached out to that monster, you tamed that monster in me. Suddenly, the beast that had been raging for so long, hurting so deeply for so long, slowly turned human again. You turned me back, you healed me. You're probably the beauty to my beast. I love you, that much, like that idiot I am.

"I'm sorry. I'll leave now," you answered. Involuntarily, my heart clenched, my breathing shortened. But I can't show it to you, I can't let you see how this man you created is now merely a shell, a façade of all the things that I had to be, an empty being.
I walked past you, ignoring you, ignoring Aidou. I'll leave, before you do. I'll walk away first, before you do. Because I can't bear to watch you leave me, once again. I walked further and further away, each step harder than the last as my heart tries to claw its way out of my chest and run back to you. I wonder if you are looking back at me as I walk away. I really want to turn around to check, or maybe just to see the back of your head as you're walking away. But that will defeat the purpose, won't it.

Then, I heard you scream. I smelled your blood. I turned to you and ran, not sure if it was worry or your blood that pulled me to you. I caught you just before you hit the ground. I pulled you close to me, a natural instinct more than a need to protect. I saw the next blow coming, and moved on instinct to shield you. Has it become my instinct to fuck myself up over you?

I turned to that bastard Touma, who cackled gleefully. "What do you want?"
He just eyed you, hungrily. "Pureblood."
I pushed you behind me again. "Get lost, Pureblood."
He lunged forward and I fired.
Only to have those bullets go right through him as he disappeared into a swarm of bats. I was frozen, unable to do anything, unable to protect you. I couldn't see, could only feel the slicing of my skin and the tearing of my flesh. I could only hear the sound of bat wings and you bringing down her scythe through the swarm.
"Ah ha, your weakness," Touma's voice rang eerily as the bats disappeared as suddenly as they had appeared. You dropped to your knees next to me and asked me, "Zero, are you alright?" I couldn't even manage a response before you collapsed on the ground.

I collapsed to the ground after that back-breaking blow, my head spinning. You caught me, pulling me close and holding me tight. You said nothing, but I knew everything. No, Zero. You can't do this anymore. I felt your body reverberate with the force of Touma's next attack that you were shielding me from.

"What do you want?" you spat menacingly.
"Pureblood." Touma just answered simply.
"Get lost, Pureblood." I heard you fire your gun, but didn't hear the bullet hit anything.
That swarm of bats attacked us both, cutting deeply each time their wings got near us. You bore the brunt of the attack, your body covering mine the way I knew you would, the way I knew you shouldn't. I escaped your hold, pushed you behind me and took out my own weapon.
This time, let me be the one to protect you Zero. Let me be the one to shield you from harm.

"Ah ha, your weakness." Weakness? Zero? No, that's where you're dead wrong, Touma. Zero has never been my weakness, he's my strength. Because of him, I now know that we have to contain the menace that Purebloods can become. Because of him, I became stronger. Because of him, I'm no longer going to be that puppet I used to be, that pretty little doll in that large doll house.

But Touma's too strong for me. I'm not strong enough to protect you Zero. Again, I'm letting the Purebloods hurt you. I can't protect you the way you've always protected me. I'm sorry, so sorry. I promised that I'll be the last person to hurt you, I'll be the last person to cause you pain. I'll protect you from the Purebloods who are out for your blood. I kept at it, I did my all, even if I fall, I won't let anyone hurt you further.

Touma disappeared in a cloud of smoke. But I knew he could come back any time. He wasn't injured, not enough. He had merely been testing the waters, testing the abilities of the second Kuran, the spare Kuran, the Kuran that was not good enough. I had to flee, I had to go back to my little cave. I knew all that, yet my priority was Zero. "Zero, are you alright?" I saw you push yourself off the ground. You're alright. Thank god you're alright, Zero.

But I'm not.

Each time you left for 'work', I would tell you to come back home safely. You'll just kiss me and leave. You usually come back home safely, slipping into bed with me. But more than once, you've returned in a different manner.

You would stumble into the flat, leaving a trail of blood. The monster in you would start to rear its ugly head and you would push me away as you start to gulp down the blood pills that made you sick. The pain intensifies as your body mends itself. It's on nights like these that your dreams are at its worst. Nights like these, your dreams are so vivid, your screams are so terrible, sometimes for hours on end. When it ends, when your eyes finally open; you'd look at me with the tears in your eyes that you couldn't cry out. "Hold me, Yuuki," you'd murmur, or sometimes, just my name.

I guess that's the meaning of being both the poison and the cure, for it is my fault you end up like this. It's me who tells Rido where you would be that day. It's me who informs the enemy of plans I overhear. It's me, Zero. It's my entire fault, Zero.

I opened my eyes, adjusting them to the darkness. I could see the outline of Zero's body in the darkness. Oh how many times I've dreamed this. I've dreamed of you each night, Zero. I've dreamed of you in front of me, looking at me so lovingly. But those dreams usually end in blood, your eyes the same as that when I left, the last time I saw your face. That look in your eyes I'll never forget, continuing to haunt me all this time. I remember those eyes that begged me to stay, begged me to deny the truth; those very same eyes I turned my back on. Instinctively, I reached out a hand. Hold me, Zero. Kiss me, Zero. I wanted to tell you. But how could I be so shameless as to want the things that could hurt you. Haven't I traumatized you enough?

"You're awake?" you moved nearer to me and switched on the lamp.
The light illuminated your face. Your bloodshot eyes, the worry lines on your face. For the first time in a long time, my heart started to beat again. At the same time, this heart started to bleed again. Baby, why do you look so tired? How did you age so much in a year, Zero? I wanted to touch your face once again, touch you and take that weariness away. There's that sadness in your eyes that I had forgotten, the kind of sadness you couldn't hide from me, the kind of sadness that screams out to be saved. Can I save you, Zero? Would you let me? Your dark circles have gotten worse, your face so thin it made your angled jaw look paper sharp. I could see the outline of your bones so clearly, I wonder how long it took for you to start eating properly. I can't, till today, eat anything without thinking of the meals we had. Because of that, I don't eat; not more than what keeps me alive. Because without you, I felt like I shouldn't even be alive.

"How are you feeling? Are you alright?" you asked.
I had forgotten this feeling, this feeling of being cared for, this feeling of being loved. I had forgotten the feeling I get when I hear your voice, this feeling that overwhelms me when I stare into your eyes. But I remember now. I look at you now and I remember it all, remember why I so selfishly stayed with you. It was for this feeling, this feeling that only you can give. Love.
"Say something, Yuuki."
I miss you. I'm sorry. I love you. Can I say those? What can I say that can make you feel better, Zero? My words are no longer words you believe, my words are no longer words that even I believe. These words have lied to you, giving you empty promises and poisoned your dreams. These words have painted illusions that are like an oasis in a desert for us both, illusions that disappear once we get too close. What have I done to you, Zero. What have I done to us?

You looked at me, not with those cold eyes. But with eyes reminisce of those eyes that used to look lovingly at me. Once more, your eyes were a whirlpool of emotions that I had to sieve through. I looked back at you. What do you see in my eyes, Zero? Do you see it all, like you always used to. Do you see how much I'm dying to hold you, how much I want you to stay. You held my gaze for a second longer before turning away. "You're fine. Stay the night, you can leave in the morning," you turned and started walking away.

"Don't leave." I wanted to scream at you. But how could I be so selfish, how could I keep you here even longer when I knew how much you were hurting already. It's my fault. This, all of this is my fault. Leave, Zero. Leave me, I deserve it. Leave me, you deserve better.

You paused in your tracks. "Tell me."
What is it, Zero? What is it you want to know?
I heard the hesitation in your voice, you were choosing your words carefully. Why? What image are you trying to project? Are you trying to protect the Hunter Association, the people you're in charge of? Are you trying to pry information out of me? Are you trying to protect your damaged heart?
Or are you trying to get over it? Closure. Is that what you need, Zero? The last time we met, there was no time to talk it through, no time to hash things out. I had left you on the floor, covered in blood, barely breathing, your eyes barely open. That picture had been burned into my mind, it's all I see. When I close my eyes, I see that expression on your face. Dazed, confused. Hurt.

"I'll tell you everything." If that will help ease your pain, I'll tell you anything you need to hear.
You turned your head to look at me. I know that expression on your face. Caution. Wariness. You don't trust me. I can understand why. I betrayed you, hurt you. The pain I've caused you must have been exhausting. You must be so tired, so weary. I saw you clench, your sign that you're scared. I know your tell-tale signs by now; you haven't changed at all.

But what can I say? Should I say that our memories were all lies? That they were all a fantasy, merely a story. Will that set all your slightest hopes to rest, send them crashing down in flames, send them to hell so that we can finally rest in peace? So that this poisonous relationship will finally end, this destructive relationship will die once and for all.
Or should I say that I've loved you all along. That our love was real. That this love is still real. That this love, tainted and bloodied as it may be, is still the only love I've ever known and the only love I will ever know.

"Don't. I don't want to know."
You closed your eyes tightly. It's your sign; that you give up. You'd rather continue hurting this way. You'd rather continue this way than to risk having your world crash down around you again. Maybe it's better this way. I don't know if the truth will save us all or consume us more. I'd rather continue this way, dying a little each day, screaming out in pain each night. I'd rather hurt this way than to risk hurting you further.

Tell me.

Before I could stop myself, those words escaped my lips. Tell me, did you ever love me, even if it was an hour out of the months we were together. Even if it was just a minute, did you ever feel your heart warm at the thought of me.
Tell me, do you occasionally think of me? Even if it was an hour out of the year we've been apart. Even if it was just a minute, did you feel your heart long for me, your arms reach out for me, your hands craving to touch me?
Tell me, did you miss me.
Tell me, did you dream of me.
Tell me, did you once think of me.

Zero, stop.
What if the answer hurts you again? You have not even healed from the last crash. You have not even mended that shattered heart of yours. Your mind that had been blown apart had just barely been able to come to grips with what had happened. Can it take the truth, if the truth is going to hurt again?
You'll never recover. This hurt that's so unbearable already, will kill you. This pain that's so torturous already, will consume you. You won't survive it. And you can't afford to die now. Not now when so many lives are counting on you. You can die later. There's time to die after winning the war.

That's what she was here for after all. She never loved you. Not even once. Never.
She was here merely for the sake of her own kind, those wretched Purebloods. She was here for their benefit. Why should you die for Purebloods? They should die at your hands. Each and every one of them.
She's lucky that she's not dead here and now.

"Don't. I don't want to know."

I rushed out, slamming the door.
I was starting to choke as the pain crept into my system as I knew it would. This slow, burning pain that engulfed me in its cloak of darkness. I retreated to my room, just next to the room you were in. By the time I closed my door, I was shivering so badly I couldn't stand. What did I want? Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had wanted you to reach out to me. I had wanted you to touch me, just slightly. I had wanted you to hold me, stop me from leaving. I had wanted you to hold on to me. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I had wanted you to love me. It didn't have to be as much as I love you. Even if you had just loved me a just little bit, that would do. Am I crazy? I think I've gone mad. I think I should call Kaito, tell him to chain me up in the dungeon again or put me in a hole somewhere.

Stop this, Zero. You don't have time for self-pity. Nobody wants to hear your sob story. Nobody wants to know how you feel. In this war, you're merely collateral damage. Just because you're broken doesn't mean you're off the hook. Just because you're damaged doesn't mean you're not a soldier. Because in this war, you're not just the infantry, you're the general. There are people relying on you. They are people who are depended on by others, who are needed by others. They are parents, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters and lovers.
You are merely one single unattached individual. You're the one they're relying on. There's no time for you to sit and lament about the girl who betrayed you.

I picked myself off the floor and went to report to Chairman.
"We should use her. Use her as bait."
Chairman eyed me warily. I know what he's thinking. It's a cold move, even for me.
"No. We need her."
"Why?"
"Because, her brother just murdered the whole vampire council. We need her as a rallying point."

What? This is news to me.
"When was this?"
"Today, 2 hours ago."
"Why wasn't I informed?"
"You were out."
I was pissed. I was hurting over Yuuki. I was grieving over my parents' death anniversary. And I have not been sleeping properly for over a year.

"I'm supposed to be the one they report to," I hissed. That was the arrangement. I'm the general, the warrior they send out to the battlefield. I'm the one who receives those damn reports, come hell or high water.
Chairman looked at me pensively, exactly the way I hated. Besides Yuuki, he was the only other person who could look through the bullshit. These two people cause an unnecessary amount of disturbance in my life.
"When was the last time you slept?"
"Yesterday."
"Proper sleep."
Hmm, I don't know. Maybe about a year ago?
"Tell Yuuki."
"You tell her yourself." I can't risk going back into that room again. I might not survive a second panic attack in one night.
"She needs to hear it from a friend."
Friend? In which universe am I her friend?
"Tell Aidou to do it."
"He's injured in Touma's attack earlier."
Right, I forgot about that.
"I don't want to talk to her."

Chairman looked at me. I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking of those hellish months where I had been so self-destructive bordering on suicidal. I had turned myself into a monster, turned myself into a savage out for blood. And that's what I'm verging on doing right now. If that's what it takes for me to get out of this place right now, I'll go on a hunting spree. Let me at them, those damn Purebloods who don't know how to stay put. I was starting to sound like some wild animal.

"Yuuki stays. That's final. This is the safest place for her. They'll be out for her blood. We have to protect her."
"That 'we' does not include me."
I'm done protecting her. I tried to protect her from myself the last time, look how that backfired spectacularly.
That was the end of the conversation, with both of us just sipping the whiskey that Chairman loves collecting. I lit a cigarette, much to his chagrin.

"You'll kill yourself with those."
"No faster than the rate I'm already dying." Which is quite true. The level E in me will overwhelm me sooner, faster and uglier than lung cancer.
Kaito sauntered in. "Shit just got real," he remarked, stealing my glass and gesturing for me to go pour myself another.
"How's it out there?"
"We're trying to keep it quiet, but it won't take long for news to spread." He gestured for my lighter which I threw at him.
"We'll need to double up on patrols. Get the intelligence unit on surveillance of Purebloods. Get that other unit to coordinate with the human councils. They'll need to be warned."
I looked to Chairman, to confirm if my orders were appropriate. Yes, I was the general. But Chairman is still very much the backbone of the association.

Chairman nodded in assent, but obviously he was more concerned about other things, "I always wanted to ask. Was it you who taught Zero to smoke?" It was a question directed at Kaito.
We both shifted around guiltily. Like children getting caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Trust Kaito to deftly manoeuvre. "Well, funny story about that. It's actually Yagari." And we both quite almost ran out the room. It wasn't actually Yagari sensei; he had been more of an unwitting supplier rather than the teacher.

"Drink?" "Sure."
We both went to Kaito's room. This is where the good stuff is. Among his treasure trove of porn and collectible cards, he has the most impressive collection of alcohol. "How's life, lil bro." Kaito ruffled my hair. It's times like these when I realise I'm not as alone as I think. We used to sneak cigarettes when Yagari wasn't looking, quietly smoking behind the buildings, choking on the first few puffs. I can't even remember why we started, perhaps because we were both so broken so young, that we thought we had to grow up quicker, get to know the big bad a little faster.
We visit graves together, the graves of the family we lost. On days when we're reminded how alone we are, we were there for each other; through the mother's day, father's day and every other day.
The day I lost my family, I gained another. This is my family, where Kaito's my brother, Chairman's the dad/mum (it's hard to tell sometimes).
It's not so bad. I'm not so alone after all.

"How is it that you can hurt like this?" Bloody bastard and his insensitive questions.
"Shut up and drink." But his tone wasn't condescending, wasn't sneering or making fun of me. He was genuinely curious. But he didn't push it and we continued drinking in silence.
"Was it worth it?" he asked again. I looked at him. We both knew each other's' stories. He saw the wreck I was when Yuuki left. He pulled me back from those times when I almost went over the edge. He's my brother who took care of me through the storm and hauled me through the worst.
"Do you think it was worth it?" I asked him back. He saw both the best and the worst. He saw me happy, for the first time since we knew each other. He saw me in love, for the first time. He saw me genuinely alive.
"You were so happy," it wasn't a question, more like a musing. I was, wasn't I? I was so happy, so very happy. She gave me that happiness, that joy. But she also gave me this pain, this horrible gnawing pain.
"But now I'm not."
"If you had the chance, would you have done it again?"
"Yes." I would, a million times over. I would love her again, a million times over.
"Even if you would hurt?" It's ridiculous isn't it, why I would be willing to hurt so much for something so temporary. It's simple. The same memories that kill me slowly are the ones keeping me alive. That same love that torments me at night is the same love that keeps me sane through it all.
"Yes."

Kaito thumped me on the back. "I used to be that way. Then shit happened."
"Well, shit's already happened."
"That's true."
And we continued drinking.